Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Coria Castillo - Naci Princesa

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Coria Castillo - Naci Princesa · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Eat tellantra the podcast ja or s hello how about, how handsome you all
• 0:25
  are eh and I have come with all the dress to Rupau, but well,
• 0:29
  you can see that mine are not the things to iron. Yeah,
• 0:34
  I' ll throw you one thing to buy, please don' t take
• 0:40
  pictures of me, but look Camera, I get fat, it' s
• 0:45
  worth the open and I leave it empty and see that my mother is all
• 0:48
  day daughter. Be careful what you eat. You know if he' s
• 0:51
  going to repeat you, I mean there' s mom, you don'
• 0:54
  t put me to eat a parrot or like I repeat the gold someone that
• 0:57
  happened to me. Oh, my mother' s been saying things to me
• 1:03
  all day. Now, since I' m going on a long trip,
• 1:06
  she' s here all day, daughter. Take a change? Take a
• 1:07
  change? I mean, Mom, I' m bored, it doesn'
• 1:11
  t give me conversation. Saú ho are things, things that mothers have,
• 1:19
  true as when they go to buy yor ham, they say always do me
• 1:22
  the finite slices, eh, the finite slices that I always ask myself divide
• 1:26
  coca mothers and not bad. You imagine you' re out there partying and
• 1:32
  you say one, uh, I' m going to the bathroom, I
• 1:34
  ' m a slice, says mine' s finite with that one, so
• 1:42
  it makes you feel better to catch, uh, I' m not getting
• 1:46
  high or anything that made me laugh at jokes or when I call your mother
• 1:51
  and they say hello, daughter, I' m mom, thank you so
• 1:55
  much for the final clarification, uh, uh, yeah, I heard your
• 1:56
  voice I said uy. This woman sounds to me when she said daughter,
• 2:00
  I say wait for you what it' s going to be who I thought
• 2:02
  she was and with Mom she says. I' m super smart, I
• 2:06
  ' m super smart. He also has when you go on a trip that
• 2:12
  he tells you when he arrives call me to know that he' s arrived
• 2:15
  well, Mom, that he' s arrived, daughter, that' s
• 2:17
  fine. I mean, I didn' t die, but I ordered you
• 2:23
  to make a phone call uff a few luckes. I have feared a lot
• 2:24
  of travel with my parents to the manga of the minor sea. You'
• 2:29
  ve been good, in case someone hasn' t been there to give you
• 2:32
  an idea to get your head wet, you have to crawl down the floor.
• 2:36
  There' s one I do, because I was going to go when
• 2:39
  I was little and they put you in an inflatable pool with two fingers of
• 2:45
  water and you put some cuffs that like mom, so much skill. You
• 2:47
  think I' ve got to drown, but wait till lunchtime, they'
• 2:52
  ll give you a little bit of fucking hot stuff, and then they'
• 2:57
  ll say and watch the kid eat the sand? Eating the sand? Give
• 2:59
  me the steaks and I' ll pie the tortilla and melon, the fluffy,
• 3:01
  the ham and you eat the little pot to see who eats the sand
• 3:05
  then, you son of a bitch or but you don' t see it
• 3:12
  anymore. Then there was that after lunch so now it' s in two
• 3:16
  hours. You can' t bathe unless you bathe in fifteen minutes, because
• 3:22
  you see that the death by digestion, because it has a legal vacuum of
• 3:24
  fifteen minutes. Or something you know she' s there as a runner,
• 3:31
  I' d kill him, but what a laziness. Hey, I'
• 3:35
  m just eating, I' m having a fruit salt and I' m
• 3:37
  gonna kill her. Oh, to death, but good that I' m
• 3:40
  done with nonsense. If I start quietly all over. I' m in
• 3:44
  no hurry, no one to put it in. My name is coria,
• 3:49
  choria castle and I' m one of those people that I' m in
• 3:53
  my world. Let' s go get you guys an idea. I don
• 3:57
  ' t have the internet on my cell phone that someone says my mother'
• 4:00
  s terrible, crazy, how you live. So, look, I haven
• 4:02
  ' t found any fare that goes like that with me the other day they
• 4:06
  call me, says Dad calls him to offer him the new whale rate.
• 4:12
  I mean, look, I' ve seen documentaries and already wanted the whales
• 4:15
  to have this little guy. Eu man, man like but happens to us,
• 4:23
  it happens to us that sometimes life goes as on one side and you
• 4:27
  on the other, like when the PEPE won and nobody had voted for it.
• 4:30
  You know, maybe I' m always out of place. Look,
• 4:33
  I became Republican to the day of kings. M but I keep asking for
• 4:38
  little gifts that I' m very agreed. I got kicked out of work.
• 4:42
  Working woman' s Day, which my boss came and tells me Corria,
• 4:45
  what a day I am, I say Working woman' s Day.
• 4:47
  Boss says don' t celebrate MM, and he didn' t give me
• 4:54
  that. Then my node left me on Lovers' Day. Because I don
• 5:00
  ' t have the Internet on my mobile phone, because of course until I
• 5:02
  got home, and since I put on the neighbor' s WiFi, because
• 5:05
  I didn' t find out, I already noticed him weird. Yeah,
• 5:10
  then I found out that she was adopted to father' s day, that
• 5:13
  she says dad and tells me you don' t think it' s okay.
• 5:20
  I also quit smoking Ash Wednesday, but the more out of place I
• 5:25
  ' ve felt it was at school that they made jokes about my name.
• 5:29
  You taste good. Above all, Eva Hina sure as you can see you
• 5:32
  ' ve noticed that we remember the good schoolmates. Who says schoolmates says those
• 5:38
  sons of bitches who made my life impossible, because we remember them with the
• 5:42
  first name and two surnames. I think it' s so that when we
• 5:46
  ' re older and we can get back at them, it' s not
• 5:49
  easier to find them on Facebook. I just quote the day on Facebook I
• 5:53
  was going to make a tuenty, but they saw me and they told me
• 5:56
  you didn' t in you and I couldn' t make it difficult.
• 6:00
  Uh, then, thanks to the BICI, we also have it try it
• 6:09
  now with Twitter this new one. But they' re really weird. True
• 6:11
  that if the red hand, the yellow skin, I say I look like
• 6:14
  being elastic uf what a joke was a joke that I do have. The
• 6:18
  thing is, he' s got me uneasy, because he says there'
• 6:23
  s people following me, and of course he' s going down the street
• 6:27
  like where he' s going to be. Imagine that smoke comes and rapes
• 6:29
  you, m that if it' s good, it' s that no,
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  no, no, you get out of here you get in a dark
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  alley and suddenly this guy comes here and looks so well and tells you I
• 6:41
  ' m going to rape you and it' s how it' s worth
• 6:43
  we go to my house. He wants to come to you this Sunday to
• 6:46
  eat noodle, just like my parents. Then, if any slug comes to
• 6:49
  you, you hit him with a shit that blows his head off and he
• 6:53
  ' s already, as you know, everyone doesn' t, but very
• 7:01
  careful, very careful with the people on the street who insult me that is
• 7:05
  very elaborate things. Fat shit. I was a black seal of the Arctic
• 7:11
  and I was insulted by what it says about Arctics and I live on a
• 7:16
  boat and at school, but it made me laugh. What they insult at
• 7:19
  school, they call me fat and it' s like observer, uh,
• 7:24
  you don' t miss a son or when I tell you about seal,
• 7:30
  like you' ve seen any seals in your life, because I' m
• 7:32
  a kid. The only seal I had seen was one of some drawings called
• 7:35
  Sheber, which was like this, white, bad and clear me every time
• 7:41
  I called seal and I there that monogración gave many thanks, I said goodbye
• 7:49
  thank you, Diego Sánchez married who one day calls me dyke and I do
• 7:56
  not insult me. I say pro dyke why, because I like buns,
• 8:01
  it' s obvious. I mean, it' s because my mom'
• 8:03
  s a baker. In the end it turned out that it was because I
• 8:07
  had seen myself kiss Lidia Burgos San Jose. First go to the toilets,
• 8:09
  but if you don' t experience sexually at school when you' re going
• 8:13
  to do it in day care, it' s that the children of now
• 8:18
  are more of an action. The other day I was in the pool and
• 8:20
  a kid came and nailed me an arport m I don' t say you
• 8:28
  make a kid. No. No, no, that girl doesn' t,
• 8:30
  no, she doesn' t deserve to say what she does, kiddo
• 8:35
  and she says Bayonne, I mean, we' re here. I say
• 8:35
  I' ve seen documentaries and already wanted the whales to have this little pussy,
• 8:41
  plus I' m trying to get on a diet, but doctors don
• 8:43
  ' t make things clear to you, because they told me to include my
• 8:46
  life fruit and buy me this dress that has strawberries and cherries. Yeah,
• 8:52
  but no, no. I' m in so much trouble. You know,
• 8:58
  he told me so well that I eat vegetables and I the one that
• 9:01
  says vegetables and I the vegetable can make more concrete. So he says to
• 9:07
  see the zucchini, the cucumbers, the turnips. I mean, that'
• 9:15
  s what I say, but that' s America' s slimming. I
• 9:18
  ' m eating it. You know, I don' t notice anything,
• 9:22
  but I' m getting to know a lot of ducho people, too,
• 9:31
  the doctor said no hydrates and I don' t screw up anymore. The
• 9:33
  face told me that this is, what it' s doing to me.
• 9:35
  Hey, have them eat small dishes. I say clearly how I have to
• 9:39
  get up many times to lie down, because on walks something that you do
• 9:46
  not lose tells me ah and very important to eat the cooked things. I
• 9:50
  say to see if you think I eat spaghetti, just like the bag but
• 9:52
  come on nothing. But he didn' t tell me that I didn'
• 9:58
  t obsess and eat everything, because right now that lowers your Chinese faith under
• 10:03
  my house and I ate everything. In the end, the Chinese throw me
• 10:07
  out you tell me that I don' t make money, I say son,
• 10:11
  because to me it has gone out to return and says or anyway,
• 10:20
  I am very innocent. I don' t know much about things. See
• 10:22
  if I met the escortist' s girl, I held her hair to throw
• 10:28
  up and she even looked good and I didn' t, that you'
• 10:31
  re not slutty man, that this has happened to all of us. Daughter
• 10:35
  that I say I would have mixed in your pass. I' ve been
• 10:39
  working as a waitress and I' ve got a guy coming and he'
• 10:41
  s telling me I' m up against it. I mean, tell yourself
• 10:43
  a few jokes and tell me you don' t want to eat something on
• 10:48
  your knees. I mean, man, I prefer the donkey, but if
• 10:52
  he invites me or not, he expects you to see that more is coming
• 10:58
  to me he tells me no, that what I want is for you to
• 11:01
  do some dirty stuff and I made him orange with lemon and he gives him
• 11:03
  a little taste. I' ll eat it for you now. But if
• 11:07
  I say no, no, no, that what I want to flower you.
• 11:09
  I' m saying don' t touch me on Mae' s day
• 11:13
  that someone else was there and you' re telling me that with those zetas,
• 11:16
  I' m a Cuban. I say how I' m gonna make
• 11:18
  you a Cuban. Well worth oh my master what a straw, Daddy than
• 11:24
  another. At the end of the bar he tells me to love a Frenchman
• 11:28
  and I know I don' t, man, to suck it the next
• 11:39
  day. The next day he calls me, he tells me you' re
• 11:41
  coming to the meadow. I say I' m more of a city and
• 11:45
  he says no, man, it' s a museum. I say a
• 11:48
  museum like the one in the Ham and he tells me no, it'
• 11:54
  s a place where they put nice things so people go to see them I
• 11:58
  say well, thank you very much, but I prefer to be loose in
• 12:03
  the street and to be seen there, man, and I said thank you
• 12:09
  and he says good, because we' re going to have susi dinner And
• 12:13
  there I left him because to know who will be the bitch of the suiesa.
• 12:13
  You don' t know that I' ve never had much luck with
• 12:18
  the boys, because they, well, they laughed a little at me and
• 12:20
  then they hooked up with my friends, well, my best friends, that
• 12:26
  she was coming to you, Auntie Coria, you don' t care.
• 12:26
  I' m not saying I' m going to mind seeing my car I
• 12:31
  ' m going to leave you alone with Víctor Fernández García. My friends here
• 12:35
  are a little slutty. I was born a princess because bitches were left over.
• 12:41
  Now that deep down I feel sorry for them, because people want them
• 12:45
  for their beauty, I want them to love me for my intelligence. That
• 12:48
  ' s why I' m getting college good, little by little, because
• 12:52
  they' re a lot of students, but there I' m uh I
• 13:01
  saw him trying to almost poop sales never after it' s not all bad
• 13:05
  with my friends come tell me I' m dating. I mean, and
• 13:07
  I' m to blame for shitting the narrow stools. It' s just
• 13:09
  that look you sit down and it' s like you' re wearing it.
• 13:11
  It' s there the shirt on the outside true, with what I
• 13:16
  find difficult to find clothes that I have to go to homage to the home
• 13:20
  where I get those stretchers. You don' t know I don' t
• 13:22
  do bikini surgery. I do surgery. More tablecloth. This is all because
• 13:26
  I hold a lot of fluid. You know, I' ve got the
• 13:31
  gut full of swamps telling you that many times I don' t know if
• 13:35
  my parents made me or I design Franco MM It' s like I happen
• 13:43
  to see the same, but let' s almost watch I take advice so
• 13:46
  I can survive in this life. You have to be a little bipolar,
• 13:48
  because people tell me things they hear would make me want to kill them.
• 13:50
  But as it looks like killing is not well seen, because I don'
• 13:54
  t know what the fuck, because I shut up and smile, good or
• 13:58
  not. That' s why I have a garden and a shovel is that
• 14:01
  you come with the typical skinny friend Jotía. I' m super worried that
• 14:07
  I don' t lose half a kilito is that I don' t get
• 14:09
  in the bikini. I' d take you from the movie, drag you
• 14:13
  down here, bitch, but I' m already aunty. If it happens
• 14:16
  to me the same way, uh buff comes to you the other fuck I
• 14:20
  ' m lucky like everything and I don' t get fat, because you
• 14:24
  could eat two fucking bitches, but I nothing. I' m lucky for
• 14:31
  you today, the typical sluggy guy. I like chicks like you to have
• 14:33
  a place to grab, because pass a stretch rope for the eggs. You
• 14:37
  know if he gets you, but I get nothing. I always smile.
• 14:48
  Hey, and look what they' ve done with me. Well, in
• 14:50
  high school I was insulted by even the teachers. Yeah, look at the
• 14:54
  math one,' cause I' ve always been more of a letter.
• 14:58
  That' s why, now the next one and the monologue you know and
• 15:01
  there was the math one all day and I ran what a fool you are
• 15:05
  You don' t understand anything, Burra, Burra. They put the tests
• 15:07
  on me in red, Burra, Burra. I' m already mad.
• 15:09
  She said she was talking to the tutor. I mean, sir, the
• 15:11
  thing about Nepon de burra, because two weeks I got kicked out for harassment
• 15:16
  by the act and son of a bitch, uh, but wait, wait,
• 15:22
  I' ll come back, I' ll come back and tell me
• 15:26
  you have to buy a scientific calculator to do equations. Tigoa and scientist.
• 15:28
  I bought it for myself, because she' s always very aware of the
• 15:31
  environment. In the end, as you' ll be imagining, it didn
• 15:35
  ' t do me any good. As I signed up for the night,
• 15:37
  the next year and he arrives, I say I know they put him in
• 15:43
  the night box. It' s not going or that you didn' t
• 15:50
  have eyes to know later, then there was Gymnastics. There' s some
• 15:52
  Gymnastics here, well, no, because if I hadn' t said uh
• 15:56
  it' s not Gymnastics, this physical situation you repellent. Hey, I
• 16:02
  remember that day that Coria tells me, you have to make fifty dominales.
• 16:06
  I say throughout the quarter, what do I know and say no. Now
• 16:11
  in a minute I say that if you look at me you see me and
• 16:18
  the cochorete and I can' t that this doesn' t go up,
• 16:22
  this doesn' t feed. Says ay Coria has little bottom, I say
• 16:25
  I have little bottom. Take me to a firm to see, but I
• 16:34
  can' t stand anyone for that reason when I' m gone to live
• 16:37
  alone. And live alone, because it' s very good. But in
• 16:38
  the end, there' s less of a guy, because there' s
• 16:41
  a lot of things you can handle, but there' s one guy who
• 16:45
  doesn' t do it to you. No one knows what I' m
• 16:47
  talking about. You can' t open the door for me. Bracelet now,
• 16:48
  please, look at what a vice face he' s got What you
• 16:56
  thought he was talking about sex, Right, but what am I going to
• 16:59
  say about sex that he' s not. This saying that the sofa ga
• 17:00
  makes a stop or that the inside of our chichingo is a boat of blandi
• 17:06
  and Luca is that it starts already brings my fingers, that it is like
• 17:08
  son that you will take my belly button out something throw very faith this saying
• 17:18
  cure once once one had a ring here and started to dig. I got
• 17:22
  bit of a tongue and you see there a little bit of blood and it
• 17:26
  ' s like huy you' ve come the rule won' t be virgin.
• 17:30
  They cut the nails, man whose eye is to the nails. What
• 17:37
  I haven' t done or said isn' t worth it and when they
• 17:40
  start doing this to you with your leg. But I look like I'
• 17:42
  m an elastic man who the roof of my ex' s room has three
• 17:48
  thousand two hundred and seventeen drops of cotele and he never wondered how I knew.
• 17:52
  That detail is unimportant and we finished making love and we want to hug
• 17:56
  ourselves a little bit that yes and it comes to you with the fucking thing
• 18:00
  that tires my arm to see if you think this doesn' t tire you
• 18:10
  know, but I don' t do it or I say how much damage
• 18:22
  Lafanova has done, uh or as I do today and it' s been
• 18:29
  where I like it most in a two three. Today, a spider sees
• 18:32
  if you don' t tune anything, I put a cd or something and
• 18:37
  it was and when you get down there that you go to the terrace and,
• 18:41
  like I said, the thing is more like the little entrance look.
• 18:42
  I' ll explain. You, you come in, you make a roundabout,
• 18:47
  and when you see something sticking out, you squeez it, and when
• 18:52
  she gives me it' s that you' re doing well. Okay It
• 18:53
  ' s important that I scream out of control, because if she suddenly says
• 18:59
  ay I' m loving you' re wonderful inside is thinking tomorrow I put
• 19:03
  the white washing machine in color okay. It' s important the voucher and
• 19:07
  something else when you want to go through the back to the brute that before
• 19:12
  you have to give polish wax, yes, which is that you think,
• 19:18
  that we come lubricated serial and if you do this wrong, then you can
• 19:22
  ' t even be blamed for this. You know they have them, as
• 19:23
  I say the porn movies that you see them as a couple and the comparisons
• 19:27
  are odious, that I say why you don' t see another kind of
• 19:30
  cinema that you like better, like, for example, science fiction good.
• 19:36
  That' s what we call romantic comedy. He hears that by being able
• 19:41
  to pass he can if a giant meteorite can crash into the earth and end
• 19:45
  up with all human life. Why can' t it be that I'
• 19:47
  m a super nice girl, but because of life, I prostitute myself there
• 19:51
  on Montera street and suddenly I come a guy cano soto good rum a cochazo
• 19:53
  and tells me that he' s going to pay me five zero euros for
• 19:56
  taking me to the attic of the Palas and me and in the bathtub with
• 20:00
  the puma te this wall baby will die of envy and take me there from
• 20:06
  shops to the most expensive places. And it' s like she' s
• 20:08
  got something as pretty as me and her as you do the ball to her.
• 20:12
  This is a very handsome man, very elegant and he says no,
• 20:15
  no, no, but to her and me and he gave me a pear
• 20:18
  in a jesft private to take me to the opra of new yor and he
• 20:22
  gives me a necklace in a box and I but of course this is impossible
• 20:27
  to pass like the street montera steatonal, because it would not be worth it,
• 20:37
  eh, but I would. He' d take this look. Don
• 20:42
  ' t tell me, no, you tell me that you guys don'
• 20:45
  t do weird things that happen to you with the technology that I tell a
• 20:49
  friend the other day I say I think my money is breaking, because it
• 20:52
  just goes off. Just telling me everything serious about you buying me. The
• 20:55
  new iPhone features a five- point zero mega- pisels front camera with one
• 20:59
  screen is five- inch point to remove the APLAA processor four eight HSDP,
• 21:04
  CSM blueto, two one plus CdR up to thirty- two I storage with
• 21:10
  thirty- second video recording with noise suppression thanks to its dual microphone. And
• 21:15
  then why don' t you distinguish fried tomato from crushed tomato. Anyway,
• 21:21
  we' re good today. With this reflection I leave you many thanks,
• 21:32
  because with your laughter I have not felt out of place. So millions of
• 21:34
  tables and good night