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Breaking Generational Cycles of Pain and Vulnerability with Tyler McAdams · Let's Get Naked

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Ann, and this is Let's Get Naked, the show where we expose the patterns, challenge the stories, and share the cheat codes that make life a whole lot easier.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get naked.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're talking about a group of people that society seems perfectly comfortable asking to carry everything while talking about almost nothing.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Fathers.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Men are expected to provide, protect, lead, stay strong, hold it together.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: And when life punches them in the mouth with divorce, separation, financial pressure, loneliness, identity loss, or heartbreak, too often the message is figure it out.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Man up.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Keep moving.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: No funeral for the version of themselves they lost.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: No roadmap for rebuilding.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: No permission to admit they're struggling.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Just silence.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the problem: pain doesn't disappear because you ignore it.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: It just changes shape.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: It becomes anger, addiction, disconnection, bitterness, withdrawal.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: The emotional distance that gets passed from one generation to the next.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of men aren't failing because they don't care.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: They're failing because nobody ever taught them how to carry the weight they're carrying.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody taught them that vulnerability isn't weakness.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's responsibility.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because pretending you're okay while you're drowning doesn't make you strong.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: It makes you unavailable.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Unavailable to your children.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Unavailable to your partner.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Unavailable to yourself.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: The fathers who change generations aren't the ones who never break.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: They're the ones who heal.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: The ones willing to look at the wounds they inherited and say, this stops with me.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the work.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: And today's guest is doing exactly that.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Helping fathers rebuild their lives, reconnect with their children, and become the men they needed when they were younger.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes the most powerful thing a man can do isn't carry the pain.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's refuse to pass it on.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get into it.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Today I'm stripping it all off with Tyler McAdams.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Tyler is the founder of Inspiring Father, a movement dedicated to helping fathers rebuild their lives and become the heroes in their children's stories.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the show, Tyler.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to be here.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: So uh I'm excited to have this conversation.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: This has been something that's really been at the forefront of the work that I'm doing recently.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so uh really looking forward to kind of getting into it and figuring out what uh has led to the path of getting you here and doing this super important work.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe you can just start by telling us a little bit about yourself and kind of what has you on this path to doing this work.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, well, I'm a single father of four kids.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um I have four kids at the ages of 14, 14, I almost said 13.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: He just turned 14, my son.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and then I have 11, 7, and two and a half.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I have quite the quite the gambit of of children.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's uh it's been a blessing.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but my journey's been uh it has been an overnight success.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's been long, it's been it's been a challenge.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: But um 10 years I was married, I was married for 10 years uh to my ex-wife, and you know, we had a lot of ups and downs, a lot of challenges, a lot of struggles.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we mutually split and just decided it just wasn't wasn't working.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was just that a lot of toxicity, a lot of challenges that we couldn't couldn't figure out.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so um the journey with that, you know, with my three kids was was hard to to break off because divorce is not easy.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody, nobody wants to get divorced, nobody wants to separate.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you get you you imagine a future with that person growing old and all that, all those great things.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, when it breaks, it's it's traumatizing, it's extremely difficult.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I I had to overcome a lot of loneliness, you know, just fear of the unknown and challenges and and just insecurity within myself and realize that that who I am again, who am I as a person?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And and I it took a lot to do, but I knew one thing that I was good at.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And and I actually asked myself, you know, actually in the shower, I asked the question in the shower one day, I said, What am I good at?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I answered, I said, I'm a good father.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew I'm a good father because I showed up for my kids.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't abandon my kids in the process.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, after my divorce, um, I jumped into another relationship very fast, too fast, you know, within three months.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And because I was lonely, I thought that was gonna heal me as a person, that that was gonna heal me as a man.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so I jumped into it thinking, okay, well, that'll fix my fix my insecurities of myself and my confidence and all that stuff.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: While, you know, it wasn't I wasn't ready for that.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was not, I was not nearly ready.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then six months after that, we had I found out she's pregnant with another one of the children I have.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And um, it was scary.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was terrified.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was I was like, oh my gosh, what did I get myself into?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, she had three kids of her own.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: I had three kids of my own.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I went from divorced to now six kids I'm taking care of with one on the way, and I'm like, oh my gosh, the chaos of my life is is not where I wanted it to be.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I didn't take that process to heal myself at that time.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, on top of that, my two and a half year old, she was born with gastroschesis.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: She was born with her bowels outside of her stomach.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: Oh gosh.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so she had a lot of medical, she's today, she's still on medical lines.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: She has a central line in her in her chest.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: So she's got a lot of medical needs every every day that she needs.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and so it's been a that on top of everything.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: She was in the Nikki for three months after she was born.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, she goes to PCH all the time, and God bless them, thank you for them.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: But um, they've been working miracles on that.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: But it's been on top of that, I've had to heal myself.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I had to find myself.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I had to create a roadmap, which I have, created, create a process to stay within myself and not get out of character of who I am as a man.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I think a lot of a lot of fathers out there, they go to vices, they go to they go to drugs, alcohol, they go to porn, they go to these other things that that create just this numbness for themselves, right?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I've learned is in my journey is I also know with the backstory of my my own journey is my father, my biological father basically abandoned me.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: He lives in actually in the state of Arizona as a father.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: He he doesn't even can I haven't talked to him in since I was eight years old.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so that on top of that, I knew I, as a young child, I didn't want to become that person for my kids if I was blessed to have kids.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that I was gonna, I want to show up for them no matter what.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to make sure that I was present.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the it's kind of crazy the irony of my story because it presented itself.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I had the opportunity to leave my three kids behind for this other family, basically.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I chose to break that cycle.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I chose to ju to stick with it, even though it's a lot of days are hard.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of days are hard.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: My, you know, there's I'm sitting at home and all my kids are not even with me.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just like, oh man, what do you do?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what do you do?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: But that's also where I know I have to work, I've been having to work myself, work on myself, work on my my mission, work on my journey, and you know, my health, keep my health strong uh for them, be the role model that they deserve.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it's it's one of those things in life where it's I'm I was born to do this.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was born to be the leader of this this situation because I look at it as faith has got me to this point.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And has it been scary?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yes, it's been scary, it's been terrifying.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I also know that my kids deserve to have a father in life because they're in their life because we are, as fathers, the most important people in our kids' lives.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I take no no discredit to mothers.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I think we we establ are we establish confidence, discipline, security, just all these amazing things that that our kids need to survive in their adulthood.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I know I noticed a lot of fathers abandon their children.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I you know, and I and I I started this community because I wanted fathers to keep showing up.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: No matter what you're going through, fight for your kids, be there for your kids.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Don't don't just neglect them and think, oh, well, I I'll find myself in a better life with another family or whatever.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I see that too much, I saw that too much, I've heard about it too much.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, obviously my personal journey is is part of it too.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And and so a lot of a lot of men just out there, they just they get they just run away and they don't care and they leave it to the mothers to figure it out and who gets hurt the most are kids.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And and it's it's traumatizing and it's hard to get over.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something that you could just really put into words, other than when you go through that as a kid, you just have to just deal with it.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: But how do you deal with it?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, how do you how do you overcome that?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it takes a lot of work, takes a lot of work and effort to do.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, that's kind of been my my story in a nutshell.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I'm I'm blessed to have four beautiful, healthy children in the process of it all.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And and you know, my health and my my commitment to them is is number one.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm I'm happy to to be able to share my journey and my story to with your audience here.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: No, I I absolutely love it.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I absolutely love the fact that you understand the generational pattern that needs to be broken there.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a really powerful thing because I think a lot of people don't realize that.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you can evaluate the relationship with your father and how that impacted you.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: And you're absolutely right.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like as a father, so important you are in forming these kids, whether you're there or not there, right?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: It still forms them, right?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Correct.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, whether you're there physically and maybe not there emotionally or mentally to support them, also, same thing.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like they will take from that what you put into it.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yes, it is hard to show up, but but God, you're you're creating um our next humans, right?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like every day, every day.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, so you showing up and being willing to do all of that and recognize that, it's huge.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and I think it's it's hopefully changes the next generation of children.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like you said, that's that's the goal for you build a legacy on that side in that.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's I'm I I'm a big legacy guy in the sense of establish something that you could be remembered for in a positive, loving, kind way.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think the world needs more, I think there's so much yuckiness outside of in this world, and we need more love, we need more passion, we need more kindness.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of a lot of men don't understand that it's okay to be vulnerable.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to express that.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's not uh it's not okay to hold it in and and then have anger and reaction and and hate your kids or say something mean to your kids and take it out on your kids, for example.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and that's that's a lot of things where a lot of men are they just hold it all in and then they just let it out, and then their kids get the brunt of it.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And and I'm not saying I'm perfect.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying I'm perfect.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: I I there's days where you get you get a little frustrated, but at the end of the day, there's tools and there's there's things that you could put in place to help that level of stress not get to that that height where you're letting it out on the people that you love most, right?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's that's us as fathers that we have to continue to work on that.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's a it's a consistent, constantly building thing that you have to just call keep going for.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And us as fathers, we don't can't get reminded about it enough.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, well, just even the awareness, right?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: When you're talking about the awareness of what it is that you're bringing to the table, um, just knowing that you have that big of an impact on them.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: And if you do lose your cool and are that guy, you know, I watch, you know, I hammer the the big angry truck guys pretty, pretty regularly, only because I just want them in the village.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um but I look at that and it's like I watch these guys as they're exploding, you know, with their kids in the car and they're freaking out and they're all these things.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: I have talked to my children because I used to be the angry truck guy, right?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just without, anyways.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so I used to be that person, right?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: And and and you talk about my husband was that person, right?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: We're both reformed because we understand it's a waste of it's a waste of energy.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: But also, those kids are seeing that.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when you come home and you're angry or or whatever it is, or you're um, you know, you haven't handled your own emotions, you haven't processed them, you're passing that down to them.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I have, you know, adult children now where they're very vocal with me and we're very open in our house about talking about what the impact of those things were.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the impact of the choices that I made.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so being able to look at that and evaluate that, I think that that it lends to um being able to kind of see things and understand the importance of the work that it is that you're doing, because I don't get to go back and redo it again, right?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: I can, I can do something going forward about it, which I do every day.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: But you don't get to go back and unring that bell.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so so when you're when you've come from a place of anger because you didn't know how to process your emotions, which again, there's there's no there's no blame, there's no judgment in that situation.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Most men were raised in a way where it was like, we don't, we don't show our emotions, we don't process our emotions.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be a pussy, rub some dirt on.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we were literally raised with all of that.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I get the there's a component of the masculine of like being strong and all of that, but I think we overdid it, you know, when we were younger in in whatever generations we grew up, the those of us that are in our 40s, 50s, 60s, you know, whatever, where it was like, um, we didn't process any emotion.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't show any emotion.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so we we thought that that was vulnerabil or, you know, that vulnerability and emotions were weakness.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I was raised.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so it was like once I learned later in life that those are actually your superpower.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it should make you want to be in tune with those things.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: And is that hard?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it really is.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like it's not any harder than what it is you're already doing because I think most men are in that same cycle of they just push it down and numb on top of it.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Push it down and numb on top of it.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't matter what your numb of choice is, but when you realize that it still comes up.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: It still comes up.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: And also when you realize that your life, when you raw dog it instead of numbing, pretty amazing, right?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like we said when before we even started recording, best day ever.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like I lived the best day of my life every single day.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Does it mean hard stuff doesn't happen?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: No, of course not.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hard stuff happens to me all the time.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but you just come from a place where uh you're dealing with it with intention, you know, you're figuring out your tools and and and processing through and releasing stuff instead of just pushing it down and numbing on top, pushing it down, numbing on top.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: I work with a lot of men who um find themselves in this 40s, 50s, 60s, and they're like, I don't feel anything anymore.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Oh wow.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'll connect you with your eight-year-old self.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's a pretty fun gig.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, if you look at it, we all as adults are just big children.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: We are.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but it doesn't change.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah just because we get older doesn't mean we're no different than we're different than we are when we were children.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: We have the imagination, we have the the expressing of our emotions, we have all those things that come out, they just come out a little bit differently, and we're supposed to be mature about it.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're not supposed to be as vulnerable as like a kid, you know.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: I see my daughter crying, and I'm like, all right, that's okay.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's going on?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like you have to just it's okay to be you have to be patient.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be patient as a father.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say I'm grateful to have patience in my myself for my kids.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of men don't know how to have that patience within themselves.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: They don't, they they weren't taught that.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe they weren't raised around that, they weren't raised around the patience side of things of how to be patient.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my stepfather, like he was very masculine.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he I'm grateful for him, but I I was scared of, I was scared, very scared of him.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was terrified a lot of ways when I was younger because you know, his anger, his temper, he was a very high, high reactive guy.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I just I didn't have a close relationship.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: The close he taught me things, but I wasn't as close.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was close to my mom.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I think that transformed me in a good way too.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm not, I mean, I'm still close to my mom today and I love her dearly, but I think it's one of those things where that masculine energy also kind of put me into like, okay, I don't want to be that.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be that kind of guy, I don't want to be that, that kind of guy to my kids, you know, because I think it's important that we have that that that steadiness within ourselves to show our kids that, hey, you can get a little bit of frustration here, but don't go over the top.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, make it make it communicate.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about communication.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Everything in life is about communication.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: And figuring out ways to release that, you know?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like when it's not like you're not going to get upset or angry or stressed or any of those things, but when you process those emotions in a healthy way, whether that's, you know, you're in boxing or kickboxing or you go, like we're meant to do that, right?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: We're meant to release that stress and release the emotion of things.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: So as a man, if we're not, if we don't encourage our men to process their emotions, then they will just continue to stuff it down, stuff it down, stuff it down until they explode.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what happens, right?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: When you have, when you have people that have, you know, they run at an eight or a nine all the time, it just takes one little thing and then they go off the edge.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like I will maintain that that is at the root of the core problems that we have in our in our society.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_02: 1000%.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like we haven't taught our men tools to be able to process the things that are just natural.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: Your your emotions, those are, those are your your tools.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: We haven't taught you how to use them.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah right.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then we go, what happened when they explode?
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, oh my fucking God, you guys, I have exactly like here's the answers right here.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: Let's figure out what the solutions are, right?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Which is again, I think that's compounding challenges or compounding things that have happened over course of time.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just a dish they woke up one day and snapped for a reason.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: They just exactly it's just there's a whole whole journey of it.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that's because they held everything in.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't have somebody, they didn't go to talk to somebody, they didn't, they they weren't around the right people.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's important that we understand that getting around your circle, a good circle of people and talking, being vulnerable.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one of the things where I I one of the things that I have had struggles with over the past was asking questions.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know, as a kid, I was terrified to raise my hand and ask the teacher a question because I didn't want anybody to feel judged.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't want to feel judged by everybody else because if I thought it was gonna be a dumb question.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was gonna be a stupid question that I should know the answer to this, you know.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of kids, a lot of chat people do that.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they just hold things in because they think it's a dumb question.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think there's any dumb question in the world.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, even if it's the most basic one, you know, be vulnerable.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just ask, ask it for your own good and don't care what anybody else thinks.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I tell my kids all the time, said, who cares what other everybody else thinks?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, we all have to, we all have to like get that really hammered into our heads.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we have to stop giving a shit what other people think.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like live your life, live your best life.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter, you're not performing for anyone else.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever is in your heart, in your soul, inside of you, that's what you live.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry about the rest of that stuff.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that's a big part of it is like, you know, people don't want someone to be perceived as weak or, oh, I don't need help.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: I've got this and whatever.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, hey, angry guys, I swear to God, there's a better way.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: There's a better way, there is a better way.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of a lot of men don't realize the power of kindness, they don't realize how much their life will become better.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and you're just not carrying that weight around.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I have this whole thing, you know, my husband was on the recording last week and we were talking about invisible weight, you know, because there's this all of these things that come from as early as childhood to every single day, right?
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: That that men just keep putting the weight on, putting the weight on, putting the weight on, they don't even realize.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, it's like having your your computer with all of the windows open, it's not going to run at peak performance.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're able to close those things out, that's your energy.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's your shit that you guys get to do what you want with it.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: But if you didn't realize it was even yours and that that that's how you're spending it.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you're not intentionally choosing to spend it that way, but that is literally how you're spending it.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: And then once you realize it's your choice, that's where the power lives.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because then you can say, I don't want to spend my energy on this stuff and staying angry and pissed off and not having any idea, being in tune with my emotions and what does that mean and vulnerability.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, you guys, those are yours.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: And when you have, when you are lighter, it frees you up to have more creativity, more energy to spend with your family.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm working with uh this one guy right now that it just he's blowing my doors off because he's all in, right?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: He was at this place where, same, went through a divorce a couple of years ago.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: It it crushed him.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like you get to this place where you had this life, and maybe even you weren't um, you know, in a great place with your wife.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so that loss isn't necessarily even that terrible.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's a better thing because, you know, marriages and divorce, yeah.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I get it, that's a thing.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: But on the other side of that, the loneliness, the grief of a family that you thought you were always gonna have, and it doesn't look that way, right?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think that is the hardest part, right?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: You think that I'm gonna get married, we have these kids, and there's gonna be this riding off into the sunset of like this is great.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's not how life works, you know.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so then you get to the other side of it and you're empty house, no kids, you know, because they're over at their moms and there's all of this shit, and you don't know what to do with all of these emotions.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like that loneliness is savage.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it gets you stuck.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it gets you stuck, and and motivation isn't gonna get you out of it either.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's you gotta have structure.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta have the structure in place to get yourself out of it.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: But it's true.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: You get stuck in in just this pattern, this terrible, just grieving pattern and and emotion pattern that you don't know how to go, you don't know how to get out of it.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're just it's just far.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in that depressed state of mind where I'm just like, I don't know how to feel.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you just feel like you can't believe something happened.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can't believe this all happened.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can't believe one of the hardest things for me was when we told our children that we're not gonna be that I'm moving out, that I'm leaving, that we're they're getting divorced.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: They were at the dinner table.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can remember like it is yesterday.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: How old were they?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was what, five years ago.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: So they were my youngest was three or four.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: So or no, three years old.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: She was three years old.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: Three to nine-ish.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, three to nine.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: So it was it was the most painful.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I went, I went in my car, I drove off, and I just cried my eyes out because I I wasn't just changing my life, I was changing theirs.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: We were changing their life, and the fact that they had to go through that and understand the process of the pain, you know, and they didn't understand it's like, wait, what?
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I had to promise them, you know, I promised them that I'd take them to Disneyland, you know, and I took them to Disneyland that later that year, but I had to just it was the hardest thing.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um hardest thing I've ever had to do.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: One of the hardest things because they they created it created a just insecurity, they didn't know where to go, and it created a lot of mental challenges for them.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it just changes their life overnight.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they they went from having solid, I mean not to say our relationship was great, you know, they saw the challenges, but at the same time, they went from one home to two homes.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of men it breaks it breaks our hearts.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: It breaks our hearts that happens.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I know there's all kinds of stories where you know women won't let men see the the children.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: That that is uh to me uh even more heartbreaking, like that they want to just take the father away from their lives, but granted it depends on the circumstance, but at the same time, um, men that are good fathers that are being ripped away.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so it it's kids, they don't deserve that.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: They don't deserve it, they don't deserve to feel that pain.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they don't deserve to see but they also don't they also deserve to see their parents happy too.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, a hundred percent.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't I don't disagree with divorce.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of those things where you have to look at it from different perspectives and different lenses, but we do have to understand that the journey has to be where the kids are seeing you as happy, the happiest version, the best version of you as a person, as somebody they can look up to.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're not, they're gonna have challenges in life too that way.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: So it's I see people who stay in marriages because they think that that's the right decision.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I look at that from the outside and I and I think that's what you're handing down to them is that they don't deserve to be happy also, and that it's okay to stay in a marriage that's miserable.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: And again, we marriages go ups and downs, right?
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not, it's not pretending that it's gonna be easy, but there's a point when when people get to where it's like this isn't gonna work.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so staying in that uh and just hating on each other for years while the kids are watching, they're like, Oh, the kids don't know.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, You guys are you guys are ding dogs, kids are so kids are so smart.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, they see everything.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: One question I had that when we were talking about being stuck, how did you get unstuck?
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what what can you share with other dads if they're in a place where you know they're recently, recently or not recently, but still in this place of not knowing how what to do with that that anger and that loneliness and that grief of a life that was is lost, right?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: That white picket fence and the you know 2.3 kids and the dog in the yard and all of that shit.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do you get unstuck from that grief?
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: What did you do?
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: Let's be real.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Life doesn't come with a manual, but it does come with chaos.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: I wrote this book because I got tired of drowning and everyone else's noise and needed a way to fix my own shit.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't some sugar-coated self-help nonsense.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's honest, and it's packed with tools that actually work in the middle of real life.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're ready to stop playing small, take back your energy, and get unapologetically you again, this book is your playbook.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: You can pick up your copy of the Life Hack playbook on Amazon or on our podcast website, let's get nakedpodcast.com.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, a lot of writing, a lot of journaling.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I I was pretty into self-development prior to my split with with my ex um at that time.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm thankful that was there for me.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, uh as a kid, I hated growing up.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: I hated reading.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: I did not like reading, but I got into reading from a mentor that I had um recently.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, you got it, readers, readers are leaders.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I love Ed Ballette and how he says that too.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, readers are leaders, and I think it's so important that we read and we journal and we get it out of our head.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I a lot of conversations with close friends, people that I know.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, my mom is my biggest cheerleader, so she's been a big cog in that too.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just getting around the right people that that have helped me through that getting unstuck phase, but also just kind of mapping out things, you know, getting into a good routine, habits, creating good habits, getting, getting out of the don't go to the the the the alcohol.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I and I went down, it's crazy because you know, after my separation with my ex, my recent ex of uh that I have a child with, she I went down a path of, oh my gosh, like what the heck?
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just went through this whole process of getting my daughter home from the hospital, and then all this exploded, and I I couldn't do it.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: We just split and I started drinking more.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I started drinking more.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: So my daughter, my at the time she was nine, Harper, um, she noticed that.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: She noticed that.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: She noticed that because I don't drink, I'm not a drinker.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: I I'll socially drink here and there, but I'm not a drinker.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: She noticed I was drinking a glass of wine every night and getting more and more.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I started this when I kind of started this community and this thing, and I was like, I was like, you're right, I am.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: And she called me out, she's like, Dad, you don't drink like this ever.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I see you're drinking all the time.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like so for I was doing it for like two weeks straight.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, You're right, I can't do that.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: So from that point on, I stopped drinking.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_02: Good for you.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: For I went sober for a year, and yeah, it was just a commitment to myself.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was a commitment to myself, and I think that's the reason I bring that up as far as being stuck is you have to commit to yourself as a man.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to change, yeah, there's people to help you change, there's ways to change, there's things that there's patterns that you can change.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not everybody could do it on your own, like maybe I decided, right?
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: I decided that.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's the challenge.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of guys just don't have that mental capacity to do so, sure.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't have that awareness, right?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like we talked about awareness.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of fathers, a lot of men in general just don't have that cognizant ability to do that.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so I am grateful that I have that, but at the same time, I had to create different habits, different patterns, different, read different things.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I always listen to podcasts, I always do things to keep positive words in your head.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, get the negative crap out of you.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: Very important.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's important that you just got to get the we think I think it's 85,000 negative thoughts a day or something crazy.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: You have to get that shit out of you because if you don't, it's gonna eat you alive.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: It creates it creates your reality.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like we watch as we as we develop in science and we understand more about energy and brainwaves and all of these different things.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_01: What you think in your head creates the emotions that you feel, and those emotions create your reality.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, but we still leave it, the the call's coming from inside the house because you literally have this brain in there that's telling you terrible, terrible things, you know.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's one of the life hacks in the book, is just like figuring out how to visualize your brain is just a tool.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's not who you are.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: So that you're able to kind of separate that and change things to be positive because I literally believe that you you create your own reality.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: I really I believe that with everything that I am.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I take accountability.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've also had to take accountability.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of men don't take accountability for their what their actions are.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: I take accountability.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't maybe the best husband in the world.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't, I didn't date my wife at the time, right?
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't, and then I jumped into a chaos of a relationship after that.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I, you know, I didn't heal from the previous thing.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I take accountability for where my life is at today.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: I take accountability for how I am as a man.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: But isn't that powerful?
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's powerful, it is.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a lot of fathers just don't have the courage to do so.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that we have to be able to be courageous in that sense to just say, you know what?
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: I screwed up, I own it.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, did she her actions cause some things?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't have to react that way.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have to say the thing I said.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't, you know, own there's certain things you did.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: I did something wrong.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: I did something wrong that that created my reality.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I didn't do it all perfectly clearly.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: But the only thing you can do is recover in the sense of getting back on the horse, getting getting positivity in your mind, getting, you know, focusing on how you improve from that, learn from it.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Every every failure is a lesson.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: Every failure is a lesson.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's not it's not a perfect science, but if you have the awareness and ability to overcome the ego that you have as a man, and that's our biggest, that's our biggest thing.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: We have such a lot of people.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's your Achilles heel.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's your Achilles heel.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: And and and it's a battle.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I remember my ex-wife and I, we always, it was I felt like it was an ego-driven thing.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't trying to be like that, but it's like you're so disheartening I was so defensive, I was so defensive.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, but I'm literally just explaining logic.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't understand, right?
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't understand.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm just trying to get my point across in logic.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, as women, they want their all different ways and creative ways and trying to get around it.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, it's very simple, like it's not this hard, but it we overcomplicate things.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we talked about that before we started is us, our brains, our mind, we overcomplicate a relationship, we overcomplicate our own abilities, we overcomplicate everything.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's it's so important that we just let it go.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, let it go.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I love the the name of your podcast, Let's Get Naked, let get naked and just strip it down and just and just focus on uh what's underneath you, yeah, and and becoming a better soul and a better person for for the next generation, for your kids and and and for yourself.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like you have to just do that, and you have to release the toxic shit out of you.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: You have to release just that's how I I got unstuck is just writing it all down, getting the important questions.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want?
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: Get clarity of who you want to become, get clarity of the person you want to be to your children, be as a father, and live that.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, follow that path.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're gonna have speed bumps in the way.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've had plenty, you know, it hasn't been just personal.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's business challenges I've had too, financial chill, like all that, all that has been a weight that I've had to carry as well through this.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just been um my personal journey.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's been so many different things that have just like the last several years have just been arrow after arrow inside it, you know, shot at me, and I'm still standing.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still standing, I'm still trying to get, I'm trying to improve and find a solution every single day for for my kids because they're my why.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's it's powerful.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I think when you realize, you know, the the savage self-awareness coupled with radical accountability, yeah, is to me, that's the equation, you know, because it's like there's so much defensiveness that's happening that when somebody hits one of your triggers, which defensiveness to me is just a blanket trigger over a few.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah, for sure.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we we we did that, we did that, you know.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: My husband and I worked on that several years ago where it was just like we have to, we have to get through this because it the, you know, that blanket defensiveness layer, you're not even listening when I'm speaking.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_01: We're not listening to understand anymore.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_01: We're listening to defend, and that's a really dangerous place to be.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you're talking and I'm already putting my defense together instead of listening to hear you and to understand what your position is, it's a really dangerous place.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: But that's what I'm saying.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_01: It is, right?
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_01: But when you talk about like taking that accountability and saying, I wasn't perfect in all of this, right?
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_01: There it takes two people to get to a divorce.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and it doesn't even matter.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_01: At that point, you don't even have to go back and do a postmortem of things unless you're learning from it.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_01: But also just that radical accountability of, my bad, I did that, I'm gonna learn from that.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: How are we gonna move forward instead of continuing to perpetuate the same patterns?
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're gonna get into another relationship.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gonna continue to perpetuate the same bullshit that you already did?
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't acknowledge it and do something about it, you will.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when people are like, I keep attracting, you know, narcissistic men and they keep doing, you know, I don't know why.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, let's just look at the common denominator.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like I hate to hate to be.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean it's from you.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: It is, right?
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's your pattern, it's your body.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: They don't want to do that.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: They don't want to take ownership in the fact that like your triggers are your assignments.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's your homework, that's your problems.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, take accountability and open your eyes to that fact.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, there's power in that.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_01: People don't want to do that, whether it's men or women, they don't want to do that because it just seems like, oh, that's not on me.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's where the biggest power lives.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: You you will feel more free than you ever have in your entire life by just saying, My bad, right?
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: 1000%.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: And and and it has freed me in a lot of ways.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: It has it because because at the end it just takes it what the weight off my shoulders.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: It takes, yeah, and I leave it up to the higher power, I leave it up to him, and just let it let it be as it may.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and you can't control other people.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's the biggest thing.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of people want to control each other.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you want to control the outcome, you want to control that the other person.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: But one thing I've learned is you just can't control anybody.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you have no control.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: The only person you control is you, and what you, how you react, how you respond, how you how you navigate your life, how you live your life, all those things is the only thing you control.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Everything else is just noise.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's just a distraction.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_01: It it is.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny because when I work with men and they tell me different things, I'm like, I just want to turn it back around on you.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna keep doing, I keep doing that.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna hold up a mirror.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's what that's what my job is in this.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because once you work on yourself for whatever those things are, whatever your partner is mirroring back to you, right?
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: When you really learn to use uh people, relationships in your life as a mirror and whatever it's triggering for you, understand that that's your homework assignment, right?
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then use your tools of reading and journaling and talking with trusted people that you know have your best interest at heart.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: This life is a game.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: Once you realize those things, it's like you just continue to level up because the more triggers that you work through and get rid of, the better human being that you are, the better that you are better to be as a as a man, as a father, as a everything.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like fill in the blank.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: You're you're better all the way around.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, you understand yourself better.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: You understand who you are.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that's that's the journey, right?
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: You want to understand the best thing that you can do for your life is know who you are.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: Know what person you are and what you bring to the table in life.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what purpose what's your purpose?
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of men struggle with what their purpose is.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they thought their purpose was their family and building that, you know, the white picket fence house and all that stuff.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: And and that is a purpose.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: That is a purpose.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: But is it your purpose?
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly not.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, clearly not, because other way it would have happened already if that that was the case.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so you have to get rid of that reality and come to the actual reality of who you where you're at in life and build that, build rebuild it.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_00: We have to rebuild yourself.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think as a married fit man, you're rebuilding.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: As a as a single man, you're rebuilding everybody's rebuilding at some point in their life, yeah.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_00: In some capacity.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: But who you, you know, and everybody's a few steps ahead, you know, that's been through that process.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you've been through your journey of of your marriage and the challenges and all these things.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: And and you know, we all have to figure out different ways and different tools and different challenges, different ways to get different perspectives of different people.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, because your my perspective is seems chaotic at the at the time, right?
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: I I feel like my life has been a train wreck in a lot of ways, right?
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same time, there's been there's all the millions of other people out there that are having a lot worse life than I am.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to live in gratitude.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be grateful for what you have in your life and be be appreciative of what you have in front of you.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: And and you have to reflect.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: You have to reflect on your journey to become that better person.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of men don't have that ability to do so.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: They don't see that, they don't know how to, they don't know how to reflect.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's another thing is I think reflection is something I really try to do about with every relationship failed that that's failed in my life, with every every venture that I've been on.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've always sat there and I said, reflect.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: You have to reflect on who you what what went through that and okay, where can I improve?
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do better?
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, because there's always something you can improve upon.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no matter what.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and when you when you talk about journaling, I just think people, you know, do that.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't know how to hit that one home hard enough.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's not for girls, it's not for just for women, it's just for women, right?
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's like it's like every man that I've worked with where they start to dragging a journal around in their truck or whatever, they're like, holy shit, this is a game changer.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I know, because it just it helps you get that shit out of your head.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_01: It helps you reflect on things.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: Or in voice text or voice note or whatever.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's no rules.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: You can do it however you want to.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's the beautiful part of it.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_01: Do it on a bar napkin if you want to.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like do it wherever it doesn't matter.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_01: But getting that out and and just reflecting, I think, is really savagely important.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I want to circle back to something that you said uh several minutes ago about um quitting drinking, because I think a lot of a lot of people listening think, okay, you have to quit drinking and you never can drink again.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I just I want to I want to say this because I think it's important.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_01: Having a what I will call a fasting period where you take your numb of choice out of the equation so that you can start feeling things doesn't mean that you never get to drink again, right?
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_01: Correct.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so so people should understand that.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_01: When you figure out whatever your main numb of choice is, do what you need to do to pull that out of the out of the way so that you can start looking at things.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't mean like in six months or a year or whatever that is, you can start drinking again again.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_01: Just have a different relationship with alcohol.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: But when you find yourself in a pattern where you're just numbing and you're on this hamster wheel, you gotta stop that.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta stop the madness.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't mean you have to do this whole like, I'm sober now, I'm never gonna drink again, I have to go to AA meetings.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it doesn't have to look like that.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_01: It can be different for everybody.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's daunting.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_01: It is, it is.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_01: And also, like, I think a lot of people, especially, I used to be a really heavy drinker myself.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_01: I used to look at people in AA and be like, you know, and I've and I haven't had a drink in nine years.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_01: I don't consider myself sober in that same way.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't drink, right?
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_01: It never, it never added value for me.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I'm not it plugged into that, but I do think there's a lot of good things that come from AA, and I'm definitely not knocking that for people that that's their path.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the the radical accountability, the the savage self-awareness, the, you know, getting your shit figured out, that's a big part of the 12 steps.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that there should be a 12-step program for everyone, whether it's alcohol or whatever your numb is, because I think we've gotten to this place in society where we just we're all in airplane mode and we just numb and numb and numb.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then people poke with the media or the politics or the other stuff, and it's like, oh, and then people get triggered and they're mad.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, this is not how life is supposed to be, you guys.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_01: But we've just been in this hamster wheel for so long that you don't even realize that you have control over what you create with this life.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_01: And it can be so beautiful and so amazing, but you do have to have that fasting period of whatever your numb of choices to allow the brain to kick in, allow yourself to realize, okay, what are my goals?
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: Where do I want to be?
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: What is important to me?
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_01: Are my actions leading to that?
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's the whole when you tell people that it feels like tough love because it's like you can't just keep doing the same shit that you're doing and expect different results.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's insanity, right?
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: It is.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're just driving yourself into a sanity.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: It is.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the that's that's the end result.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: That you're just you're gonna, you're then you're not gonna be where you want to be at all ever.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think drinking, yeah.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you any task you do, just do one small thing every day.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't like I think, and I this is something I've had to learn and part of how I've developed the the roadmap of mine is like I used to create giant lists.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and when you're overwhelmed already with everything else, when you create giant lists, that list makes it like 10 times larger.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think, you know, oh, what do I have to do today?
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_00: I have to do all these.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to simplify things.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like you got to simplify, you know, the drinking thing.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, don't drink for a day, don't drink for a few days, don't and then just to stack them.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, just like a win.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta stack the wins, stack the small, minute wins.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I think us as as as men struggle with that.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_00: It it's it it challenges the challenge is consistency.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: Everything in life is about consistency.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, just small, small choices.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's small choices and small, but it's it's not gonna be an overnight success.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we all are everyone's a mic, it's a microwave society.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, let's get this AI is now huge and so easy at the fingertips and so much knowledge you have out there nowadays.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can you can learn something in a matter of minutes at this point.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_00: And but the problem is you don't retain it.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can get whatever you want.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone's out there just for money and money and money and money, and that's great.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: But what life are you building around it?
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_01: People don't realize that money isn't even your most valuable resource.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's your energy is your most valuable resource.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_01: I keep, I'm gonna scream this from the rooftops from now until they put me in the ground.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: Your energy is your most valuable resource.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck money, fuck time, fuck all the other things that we think we're supposed to be chasing.
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_01: Are those things great?
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, those fund whatever level of life you want to, you know, engage with.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_01: But that's not your biggest, most valuable resource.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_01: Your energy is being robbed from you by the social media, by the the sh politics, by the shit you plug into.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_01: When people poke you and you get triggered and you throw in Skittles, I, you know, my book is Skittles and Energy Are the Same.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_01: You'll you'll get very acquainted with that, and then you can join the Skittles gang because I swear to God.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a lovely way to like visualize your energy because so many people don't realize they think energy is like this woo, um, even though like you can't see Wi Fi even.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: And we all still believe in that.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so it's like, but being able to quantify that so that you realize, you know, when we talk about the big, the angry big truck guy, I will I have this whole visual after I started seeing energy this way, where when I see that guy losing his shit, all I can see is him throwing Skittles out the fucking window, right?
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_01: Out the window.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_01: And when you realize that those same Skittles are the ones that you could spend at home after work throwing the ball with your kid, those Skittles spend the same way.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: Which way are you gonna spend them?
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's a choice.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_00: I suppose more valuable.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_01: What you know, what aligns with what is important to you because people say I would do anything for my kids.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_01: Or I'd die for my kids.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can't say that to me.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_01: You can't say that to me without me calling you on the carpet and saying, okay, great, let's have a little fucking savage self-awareness and a little radical accountability and see where we get to with that because that will crack you wide open.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_01: I believe that that cracks you wide open when you realize you're spending your energy on shit that doesn't matter because you don't know what to do with it.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'll show you what to do with it.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'll show you what to do with it.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_01: There are a lot of resources out there and people that will show you how to visualize things so that you can start working with your life.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because what what you're saying is, you know, the small choices and all of the things.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_01: Those that consistency, that's what adds up.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's what creates the life you want to live.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because it isn't this, oh, I'm gonna do this one thing and my life is gonna be amazing.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_01: You have to show up consistently every day for yourself to be the best version of you that you can be.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what makes you the best father and the best, all of the things.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_01: But it starts with making one good choice.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_01: So when you're talking about not drinking for a few days, just make a commitment to not drink for a few days and see how you feel.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because I watched these men in my life where or smoke weed or whatever.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_01: Or exactly whatever your number of choices, right?
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just say, I'm just not gonna do that for a couple of days and just see how I feel.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_01: I got a text from one of the guys that I'm working with this morning.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's only been four weeks.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, My life is so savagely different.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: Plugging in with his kids, you know, he's sending me pictures of him and the kids fishing and doing all these different things because he's using his Skittles intentionally on things that are important to him.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and now he drives around, he's like, Oh yeah, just let people come on in.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because who cares?
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's fucking traffic.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_01: How are we not able to deal with traffic?
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_01: No, you know what I mean?
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's a shit that makes me crazy.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's like again, I get it.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we haven't been taught how to handle these emotions, how to use our tools.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so what we do is we just we get angry and road rage, right?
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, boss, that same stuff is somebody else's, you know.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I was I spent a long time with my with my husband telling him, those are my Skittles, those are my fucking Skittles that you're throwing out the window.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_01: Half of those are mine, you know, you know?
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_01: And and when you realize it that way, when you see it, my husband drives through traffic like it's doesn't even matter now.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right, and it's like he went from a angry big truck guy to somebody that has it, you know, spends more time plugged in with his kids, spends more time plugged in with himself, spends more time plugged in with the things that are important to him in life instead of wasting it on stupid shit like that.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_01: How wild is that?
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's that simple.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_00: Right, but it takes realization.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, 100%.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: And and actions, I live by this.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: Actions speak louder than words.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if any if somebody's actions aren't speaking louder than their words, if they're saying they're gonna do something and they don't show up or do it, or they don't reciprocate reciprocation, or they're you know, they they're just showing me those tendencies.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't need you, I don't need you there.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like it doesn't make sense.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, I have to live by that.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_00: I try to try to live by that.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_00: And there's been there's a point in my life where I knew my my words and actions weren't aligning.
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, I was that was part of my stuck phase.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of men are are in that that cycle where they're just they want to do better, they just don't know how to get there.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_01: They know how to get there.
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know to get that action, they don't have to be active.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_00: They don't, it's not, and it doesn't, again, I told you I said earlier, it's not through motive.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: Motivation is a dopamine hit.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's not it.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not it.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's not it.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can look at all the Instagram, all the social media, sure, motivational posts and all these things.
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can look at a my inspiring post that I put out there.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_00: All you want.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not the work.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the work.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're not, yeah, it's great.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's cool.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's fantastic.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_00: But how much are you gonna go back to that two days later and remember that that that post?
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those words?
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: No, you don't.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's too much information coming at you every day.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_01: I I call this work, so I have a thing called the film room, right?
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_01: When I work with men where we call it the film room because it's like in a sport where you go back and you evaluate how did that go, right?
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, let's just look at where you are right now and are you happy with that?
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I come from this place where I'm not a therapist, so I'm not scary to like I'm not unapproachable because I think a lot of guys think, oh, I'm not gonna do therapy, which I again highly encourage, but do whatever you want to.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I I just think taking that look of, okay, let's just look at the tape, let's run the tape back.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then what changes are we going to make because of the insanity thing and understanding that continuing to do the exact same thing, you're gonna get the exact same result.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_01: So if you want to live the next 40 years the same way that you've lived the last 40, then keep doing the same shit you're doing.
• 48:40
  SPEAKER_01: You've got it figured out, you've got that whole hamster wheel rolling just fine.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're tired of that, if you're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, right?
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like I tell these guys, I'm like, get a copy of my book.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_01: It only takes four hours to listen to from start to finish, right?
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to it and just understand the concepts of that and then implement those things.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because, you know, for me, I had all of these things when I was going through my journey of healing, where it was all of these different I just I had a hard time getting, I'm a very visual person.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I had a hard time getting my head around some of the things.
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so this book is literally just how I it's like my eight-year-old brain that comes out and says, like, okay, I I need to be able to put energy in my hands.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_01: I need to be able to say, how am I working with this most valuable resource that I have?
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so by able to, you know, be by being able to visualize it as Skittles, it was something that I could see as I was spending it.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_01: It was something I could see as I was holding on to it.
• 49:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was, you know, when you get to the end of the day and your bowl's empty and your kids are coming and they want to play and you're like, I can't, because you're just you're out of, you're out of Skittles, right?
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_01: It makes you more intentional about how am I going to spend them earlier in my day so that I make certain that I have some left over for the things that are most important to me.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_02: Very true.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_01: So you know, so it's like once people start this, you know, get in the Skittles game, they're like, oh my God, I totally get it now.
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_01: Which is awesome.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_01: But it's a good game.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_01: It is, right?
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like understanding that, and then the other nine chapters are the same thing.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's just it's explaining like boundaries in a way that make it so that it doesn't seem like this whole crazy weird thing.
• 50:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, no, no.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_01: This is just a game of life.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_01: This life that we're playing, it's literally just a game, right?
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_01: Are there hard things of it?
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, but I will show you the tools on how to fucking master it so that you can run it however you want to.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, how fun is that?
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's supposed to be fun, right?
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_00: Life is supposed to be fun.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now stress is gonna come out, you know, there's things, pressure is gonna come, and that's okay.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_00: But now you'll be better to equipped to handle it.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the thing is you can somebody's gonna try to knock you out.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's always gonna be something trying to knock you off your off your path.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_00: Always.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that's part of life.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had to learn that myself.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's like in the grand scheme of it, okay, that you know that if your life is good right now, you know it's gonna, there's gonna be something come up.
• 50:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's somewhere on the corner that's gonna hit you in like a train that you didn't expect.
• 50:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, if your life is down, well, there's always a way up, there's always a way to get back up, and and sometimes you need that hand to pull yourself up and and somebody that has been on that path in that journey.
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_01: So well, and the more that you learn the tools, right?
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_01: The more that you're able to use, you know, I think about something that maybe I went through five years ago as compared to something that I went through today that's of a similar weight.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's no comparison, right?
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_01: I have all these tools now where it's like life hits me with something, and I'm like, oh, I know how to handle this because I've been investing in myself to figure things out.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, I think the whole stigma on, you know, personal improvement stuff, people are like, oh, I don't need that.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, well, it's way better over here.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_01: So whatever you decide you want to do.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_01: What else is there?
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 51:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you want to drive into fantasy novels and all that?
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's cool.
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do that.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_00: But like, what is that?
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's what is that reality?
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not real.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_01: But and also, did you think that you were supposed to get out of school and stop learning?
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we're meant to continue to invest in ourselves.
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_01: The more you invest in yourself, the more, you know, the better that you're gonna be able to do that.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_01: The more you have to give.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, and the more the better your life will be.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, yeah, uh to me, that that seems like a um, now that I know it, it's like I just want to share it with other people.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's well, I hate, I'm not gonna lie, I did not like school myself.
• 51:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I didn't, I was just like, it was not my not my cup of tea as far as like learning that way, and that it just didn't help me, you know.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_00: So like I've had to figure out ways to I like to learn.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, a lot of people don't pick that up, you know.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know I think the average is like fifth grade reading level is fifth or every an average person that reads at a fifth grade reading level, which is just crazy to me.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm like, how is that possible?
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you like that should be improved a lot better?
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I can't believe that.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I it's like men are especially need to get smarter with and and more educated because you know your circumstance of life is how much knowledge that you implement, first of all, but also knowledge that you gain.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's another factor that we don't realize.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_00: How if we have more knowledge to use and more positive knowledge to use, our lives are gonna be a lot better.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's really it's not a hot I mean, it takes a long process, right?
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but you know, the pressure, the stress, the providing.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_00: We have the provider, the protector, so it's all these things, but it's not a lot, it's hard to balance sometimes.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's hard to balance, but you have to just dive into it.
• 52:57
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't take a lot of time.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_00: No, you said it takes four hours to read your book.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 53:01
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's in reality, that's not a long time.
• 53:03
  SPEAKER_01: No, like you or to listen to it.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_01: As a guy, think about how much time you spend in your vehicle over the course of a week.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_00: I spent that's listen to it.
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_01: If you hate it, send it back, I'll buy it back from you.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't get any value from it, I feel that strongly about what's in this book.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_01: I've the feedback that I've gotten from people is just like, holy shit, I see things in a different way now and I'm able to work with it.
• 53:23
  SPEAKER_01: So it's just a tool, right?
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's just start with one tool.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_01: Start with one tool and understand that you can have a huge impact on your own life.
• 53:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, the Robert Kiyosaki book, uh, what is it, the cash flow?
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_00: That was one of the best books I've ever read because it I um it changed my life, it changed my perspective.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what books can do.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just knowledge from other people can do those things.
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_01: Different points of view.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_01: Different points of view.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it sometimes just clicks.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_01: And you and you learn so much, you realize that the limiting beliefs and the shit you've been carrying around, it's a choice to carry them around.
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you weren't the ones that put them in there, but you're the one who chooses to continue to carry him around.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's power.
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's so much power in this.
• 54:01
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like when people are in their shitty hamster wheel of life, it's uh, you know, I just visualize it of them sitting in like a kiddie pool full of dog shit.
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like you realize you can just get the fuck out of there, right?
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like I mean, it's so again, I'm very visual about stuff.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can step out of it.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just step out whenever you want.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_00: You got to put analogies that make sense for people.
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_01: Totally.
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you if you want to stay in that dog shit kiddie pool, enjoy that.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_01: Please, like get it all over you if you if you want.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_01: But I can show you a different way if you like.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_01: And it's again, it's simple, it's not easy.
• 54:29
  SPEAKER_01: But life is hard.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard no matter which way you go.
• 54:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so many people are in this like comparison game where they see somebody and they think, oh, they have it all together and whatever.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_01: Life is messy AF for all of us.
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and social media makes it worse.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it makes it so much worse because if you're comparing somebody's highlight reel to like your worst day, you're at home lonely and you're watching somebody with their great family, and you're like, oh my God, which is terrible.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_01: Why would you, why would you do that to yourself?
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_01: Turn turn that shit off and figure out how to better yourself.
• 54:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and that's and but that's the hardest part.
• 54:59
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 54:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's addicting, it's an addiction, it's a challenge.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people just they get you just get sucked in, and it's just it's it's a hat you create a habit.
• 55:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing it.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's a habit that is it could be useful in a lot of ways, but it also could be very just toxic for yourself and internally and mentally.
• 55:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I've seen that with myself where I'm like, oh my gosh, I've scrolled a few times too much today.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_00: And how do I feel?
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_00: My energy is not good.
• 55:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, my mind is spiraled, my mind is all discombobulated, and it's just you know, you don't have those those clear thoughts in the in your head of okay, and your task of what you need to get done, just get all over the place, and then it it trickles down as a domino effect.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_00: It goes down to the next day.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and you're like, ah, you feel guilty, and you feel just it, it it's a cycle.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it's just all everything is a pattern, it's a cycle, it's habits.
• 55:49
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds cliche to say, right?
• 55:52
  SPEAKER_00: We all can say that, but it's a matter of doing the work and taking the action.
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_00: And and you just have to have that courage and that and let go of that wall, the ego wall you have, and just focus on on trying to grow as a as a person.
• 56:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that's what we should all be doing.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_01: Your your ego is a trap.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_01: Your ego is a trap.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I get it that everybody, we all have to have our egos, but our egos have all gotten completely out of control, right?
• 56:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, it's like there's this balance between soul and ego, right?
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and I spent a lot of years with my ego on a very robust diet.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_01: Did you?
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, years.
• 56:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like the world revolved around me.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_01: That was very, I mean, I was very much in my ego.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's hard not to want that.
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_01: It is, and especially when it's like, you know, we we um we reward performance, right?
• 56:36
  SPEAKER_01: So for me in the industry that I was in, it was like I performed really well because one of my numbers of choice was I was a workaholic, you know, and so it was like it fed my ego because I just kept being more and more successful in a male-dominated field.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so it was just like, oh my God, you're so amazing.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_01: All of this, and it just, oh, bring all of that in.
• 56:51
  SPEAKER_01: I love all of that.
• 56:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then you realize how like damaging that is, not only for you, but for everybody else who's got to deal with your pompous ass, you know?
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like the the death of my ego for me was the what did that cost you?
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_01: Uh seven grand.
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_01: I w I went down and did ayahuasca.
• 57:08
  SPEAKER_01: It fucking changed the game for me.
• 57:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, changed the game for me.
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_01: And and there's lots of different ways to do that.
• 57:14
  SPEAKER_01: But once you realize that your ego is not that's not but it costs you a lot of things in in between all that, right?
• 57:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your ego, of course.
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_01: I say 7,000 because that was what that the final nail in the coffin for me.
• 57:26
  SPEAKER_00: I get that, but it costs you your peace, your happiness, it costs you all that for sure.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_00: In reality, you weren't, I mean, you can't probably say you were happy.
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that yeah, it's great to feel that admiration and all that.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's no goodness.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_00: That validation, but but what does that get you?
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's hollow.
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's hollow and it's empty.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's a very lonely feeling.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very, very lonely feeling.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like when you realize that when you're when you lead from your soul instead of um, instead of your ego, what a what a completely beautiful place to be able to engage from.
• 57:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I just think more people need to.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think I think it's important that we we remind ourselves of that.
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like lead from your soul, lead from your heart.
• 58:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't lead from chasing validation or chasing, and I've chased, I've chased money, I've chased women, I've chased validation, I've chased it all.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, I've done it.
• 58:13
  SPEAKER_00: But it it where it's got me into a place of what?
• 58:15
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 58:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've I felt more insecure about myself in that way than I have ever done.
• 58:22
  SPEAKER_00: And and a lot of men just have to realize get yourself unstuck, focus on the best version being the best version of you, and go forward.
• 58:30
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, and then everything else just you know falls into place.
• 58:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 58:33
  SPEAKER_01: Tyler, thank you so much for coming today.
• 58:35
  SPEAKER_01: Will you please share with our listeners uh and viewers how to connect with you or find your work?
• 58:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, primarily I've been on Instagram and Facebook.
• 58:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that's where my content typically is.
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um working on getting onto YouTube as well, but excellent.
• 58:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um Instagram at inspiring father, and you could always message me on there, DM me on there.
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's by my been my primary uh source of source of stuff.
• 58:59
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 58:59
  SPEAKER_01: And we'll put Tyler on the website as well so that you can find his contact information because I just I think the work that you do is completely valuable.
• 59:05
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's huge for the for our men out there.
• 59:08
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you.
• 59:08
  SPEAKER_01: I hope so.
• 59:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm trying to build and yeah uh transitioning into the the coaching realm.
• 59:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, before it was just kind of a uh for my kids, really.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's just kind of a journal for my kids, an online journal for them, is what I started as.
• 59:22
  SPEAKER_00: And uh it's kind of transformed into helping other men and getting on getting them help that they need to get themselves through their journeys.
• 59:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I think I think everybody should be and have a coach or mentor, right?
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_01: You should be one and have one because I just think there's it's so important to be able to learn and connect in those ways of you know where you can be.
• 59:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hundred percent different perspectives.
• 59:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, without having to put the mask on, without having to, you know, hide behind the the bravado shield and all of that bullshit.
• 59:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there's no quality of life in that.
• 59:51
  SPEAKER_01: There really is.
• 59:51
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead and hang that thing up.
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I 100% agree.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you, Tyler.
• 59:55
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for having me.
• 59:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so that's a wrap.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_01: Uh if something from today's conversation hit home, challenged your perspective, or handed you a cheat code you didn't know you needed, we'd love to hear about it.
• 1:00:04
  SPEAKER_01: Send us a DM or email us at ladies at let's get naked podcast.com.
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_01: And if you believe these conversations matter, help us get them into more ears.
• 1:00:13
  SPEAKER_01: Follow, share, rate, review, send an episode to someone you care about.
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, stay curious, keep growing, and don't waste your potential.
• 1:00:20
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see you on the next one.