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I'm Going to Marry Her Anyway & My Daughter's Boyfriend Is Older Than Me! · Therapy Thursday with Ellen K

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Therapy Thursday. This is our new podcast. So
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: we're a group of friends and we all met through
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: a radio show that we do every morning, the Ellen
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: k Morning Show. I do it here with Ryan Manoh Hi,
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: and we have a friend who is a therapist, and
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: most of our calls, wouldn't you say, are about relationships
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: or how to navigate life and situations. So we said
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: to ours therapist friend, Sarah Dash, why do you come
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: in every Thursday and we'll do this thing called therapy Thursday.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: And that's how I found my way here.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: That's right. And so Sarah Dash, our good friend, has
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: joined us every Thursday for the past what year or so? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: almost two years I think, coming in and we say
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: every Thursday, tackle your troubles with us. That's right.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: And you are an LMFT.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: I am an l m f T, which means I
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: am licensed to talk to the other people.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: And what is that? What is that stand for? LFT
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: since Marriage and Family Therapist. Yes, we just call you
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: our therapist, Sarah Sarah. But yeah, so then we started
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: doing it together on the radio show, and then people
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: started calling it snowballed basically into hey, why don't you
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: guys make this into something, you know, a little longer
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: than just a radio feature, like why did you do
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: a podcast? And we're like, okay, one day and that
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: day's here, so welcome to our podcast, Therapy Thursday. We're
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: so excited to do this. We even't had this audio logo,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: so when you hear this, you'll know you're listening to
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: Therapy Thursday. We're just three friends who realize there's a
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: need for helpers in the world. Really, that's what it is.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: And Sarah, that's what you do all day long because
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: you are an LMFT. But it's all about helping people.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: And you know, when you think about therapy and therapy,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: it really is people who just want to help others.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. I think it's people who have an affinity
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: for connecting with other people and are also really curious
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: about the why.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Yes. And also I do believe because every therapist I've
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: met and I haven't been as close to them as you, Sarah.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: But it's also in a quest to help yourself many times.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, I mean I stand so much about myself through
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: my patients, I almost feel like I should be paying them.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: That's a good way of looking at it before we
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: dig into today, Sarah, I always wonder how many people
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: come to therapy with the right intentions.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: What do you mean when.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: You say the right advice?
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: Sometimes I feel like you go to a therapy therapist
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: or therapy to help almost have them, you know, make
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: the excuse for you.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: You know, that's really interesting because I think there is
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: a group of people who are looking strictly for validation
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: rather than inside yep.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: Like Sarah, tell me, it's okay, that's it that I
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: blank blank blank exactly. Uh huh. And do you realize
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: that right away and call them out on it even
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: before you start the session.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: I usually realize it pretty quickly. I don't necessarily call
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: them out right away. I usually give them a little
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: bit of time to get comfortable where they can reflect,
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: because sometimes, especially if somebody's talking about something that's very sensitive,
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: they are almost preemptively defensive.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Oh okay, so they're going in defensive and that's kind
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: of another clue.
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  Speaker 2: Right, and that's where they're looking for that validation. And
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  Speaker 2: it's not inappropriate for a therapist to validate someone's feelings
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: and experience. But that's very different from excusing problematic behavior.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, you know, we're no strangers to problematic behavior
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: because you know, we feel, we feel the phone calls,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: we feel the you know, we get letters, we get
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: text just of different you know, problems that arise. Right,
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: and we got this letter from Sam. Okay, Sam said
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: that he did something he'd been planning for months. He
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: asked his girlfriend, MARTA's father for permission to marry her,
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: and he gave him a flatino, Okay, you're not enough
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: for my daughter. I have other plans for her. I
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: want someone who can offer her more in life. Right,
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Sam wants to marry her anyway, He hasn't even told
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Marta his love that MARTA's dad said basically, get the
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: hell out of here.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: Right, And to me, the question isn't so much as
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: whether he should propose, but is he going to let
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: somebody else define the legitimacy of his relationship? And he
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: completely outsourced his sense of self worth by the attempt
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  Speaker 2: was obviously to be respectful. Yes, traditional traditional, But he
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: gave this guy a lot of power, so he's.
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: No longer called over the relationship.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he lost a lot. I think of his autonomy
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: and well, it's essential that he bring Marta into this
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: I mean that's clinically and non negotiable, because that's disempowering
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: of her when this affects her line.
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  Speaker 1: Well, then would you say to Sam, would you say,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: before you go doing something like that, talk to Marta first.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: I mean, there's no harm in that.
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  Speaker 2: No, there's no harm in it. But okay, okay, when
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: I was first thinking about this, it really occurred to
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: me that her father did not defer to her. I mean,
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: I think that's a more modern day approach and respectful
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: of his daughter's autonomy.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, so this was a three prong problem, but.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: There's so much more. Can you keep reading what he says? Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: because it almost gets to the point of rudeness.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: Okay, I worked for the City of Long Beach in
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: the Public Work department, and I've been promoted twice in
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: the past two years. I'm financially stable, I have great benefits,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: and I'm building a solid career. I own my own car,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: I'm saving for a house, and I've worked hard to
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: become the kind of man who could provide for Marda. Right,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: he's still got the flat. No, this guy sounds like
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: a great guy. He's selfless, He's putting everyone in front
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: of him, including his own desires and wishes by going
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: to Martha's dad thinking that it's traditional and respectful, right,
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: And MARTA's dad said no.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: And he was rejected on the exact axis that he
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: takes so much pride in, yes, which I think that
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: was probably particularly painful.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know that I can make her happy. Do
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I propose to Marta anyway? Do we go against daddy's wishes?
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: I think we absolutely go against daddy's wishes. I think
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: that she needs to know about this conversation. But this
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: is about them building a life together. He's not auditioning
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: for father.
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, But where does it leave then,
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: because obviously you want your soon to be father in
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: law to be supportive part of my life. Like, where
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: does that then leave these two men?
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: Well, it starts with a reframe of this, you know,
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: father as influential but not an authority that needs to
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: be that needs to be reframed, and I think that's
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: up to Sam and Marta to make a joint decision
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: to take that power back and they can still be
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: very respectful kind to this future father in law that
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: you know, it doesn't mean you know, being aggressive with him,
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: but it just means taking a little bit of that
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  Speaker 2: power back.
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  Speaker 1: Well, in one line, Sam says, I don't know what
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: else I need to do to prove myself, So then
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: you're right. This dad just just cut this guy off
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: at the knees and just said, you know, no, I mean,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: he said, you're not enough.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: I mean, and in any in any you know, conversation,
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: or in any walk of life, any dealings, no one
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: ever wants to hear you're not enough, no.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Matter what right I mean, unless this father has information
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: that we don't have, like and when I say information,
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: I mean like he has another family in Sacramento. I
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: mean that hardcore, but that he's awaiting he's awaiting sentencing
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: at a trial, and he doesn't know you know, he's
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: going to be sent away. Right, These are apart from
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: that you defer to your adult child. Yeah.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Well we got a lot of response. Let's see,
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: let's go to Amy, Amy, thank you so much for
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: calling in therapy Thursday.
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: What do you think I think he should ask Martha? Anyway?
• 8:44
  Speaker 4: He can't live with what if in his life, And
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: if Martha chooses to go with his father's advice, then
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: I guess that means Martha also has her doubts about him.
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: The question is do I still ask Martha? Yes, of
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: course you still ask Martha. You know you can't not.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: Yeah, my parents didn't love my husband, but you still
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: got to do what you have to do. This is
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: their life.
• 9:17
  Speaker 5: They need to make the decision.
• 9:19
  Speaker 4: He just didn't get the father's blessing.
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: Maybe he would just come around.
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  Speaker 4: With you if it was actually a nice guy and
• 9:26
  Speaker 4: proves himself. The dad wants only the best of the
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: best for his kid, and that's his right. And hope
• 9:34
  Speaker 4: you aren't his blessing. Monday, who knows? You have to
• 9:38
  Speaker 4: follow your heart. Alan, that's your advice, right.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, follow your heart. Thank you.
• 9:43
  Speaker 4: Yeah, have a good day, guys.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: All right, you too. So that's Amy. Amy says, follow
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: your heart. That was my growing up. My mother would
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: always say follow your heart, follow your heart. But she
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: then she started saying when I was a teenager, the
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: body always follows the heart.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: Interesting.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, do you think that was good advice?
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: I think it was good advice in that she's telling
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: you should try to come from a place of clericy
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: rather than emotion. That's how that's how I hear that,
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: And I think that is good.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I heard it like Ellie, the guys, you make out
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: with the guy, you're gonna think you like him.
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: I don't know where your braw's at.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: I get it a different interpretation.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: Well, I was a teenage girl, is it you, guys?
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: So I'm sitting here with two very intelligent, wonderful women
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: that I love them.
• 10:30
  Speaker 6: Thank you?
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: No, really, is it? Do you guys think? Is it
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: still a thing that men have to ask the father?
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: Or is oud?
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: You're the licensed therapist, Sarah.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: I think that it's a little bit like throwing the
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: bouquet at a wedding. You're not obligated to marry immediately.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: If you catch a bouquet, it's a it's a tradition,
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: and if it's something you know that honoring a tradition
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: is important. It's not like it's wrong with anything wrong
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: with that, But you don't give somebody that much power
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: over a decision that is central in your life.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, yeah, what do you think, samd? I like traditions,
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: So you're asking a traditionalist what I think, and I
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: like all the traditions.
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: So let's let's take your son calcah Okay, So it's time, right, you,
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: you and Roy love his whoever this woman may be,
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: you would you would advise him, Calvin, go talk to
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: her dad.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: I don't even think i'd have to advise him. I
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: would just know I think that he would. He would
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: probably say to his love, you know, I feel like
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: I want to ask your dad permission to marry you.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: He knows we're in love. We know we're in love.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I want his blessing. I want that is in my
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: view and more than a tradition. It's the blessing of
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: the family who you are also going to be spending
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: the rest of your life.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: I like that interpretation, blessing versus permission.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Yes, thank you. Yeah, it's it's kind of like, look,
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: I want to be a part of you and your family,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: and i'm and I want you to beat a part
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: of my family too. Tradition is the guy going to
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: the you know, to the girl's dad. What if the
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: girl goes to the guy's parents and says, I wonder
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: if you've heard of your family. I want permission to
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: marry into your family. You know. I guess you could
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: do that in some way, but I like the I
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: like the blessing angle. Yeah, we got more incoming, Lynette,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for Colin. What do you think.
• 12:27
  Speaker 6: I think that this is an amazing opportunity to see
• 12:30
  Speaker 6: how strong his relationship is with her, and I think
• 12:35
  Speaker 6: he should propose to her, and then I think he
• 12:37
  Speaker 6: needs to talk to her and let her know. Hey,
• 12:41
  Speaker 6: I did this the right way and ask your dad
• 12:44
  Speaker 6: and your dad didn't approve. I want you to tell
• 12:47
  Speaker 6: me how you want to handle.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: This, Okay, just go directly?
• 12:51
  Speaker 7: Got him?
• 12:53
  Speaker 6: Well, yeah, because that is her dad at the end
• 12:55
  Speaker 6: of the day. So but if his relationship is as
• 12:58
  Speaker 6: strong with her as he thinks it is, she's going
• 13:02
  Speaker 6: to take control of what's happening and say, hey, Dad,
• 13:05
  Speaker 6: I love him. I want you to be on board
• 13:08
  Speaker 6: with this and do whatever she needs to do.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: That's right, Thanks Lynnette. Bye, guys, thank you all right
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: this Lynnette, what do you make of that? I like it?
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I like it a lot.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, Sam, looks like we've solved all your problems.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: I don't know about all of them, maybe one of them,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: and maybe we help fuild this.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: So what do you you know?
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: What? Yes?
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: Ask her, right, I think we all say ask.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: Her absolutely and absolutely tell her about this. Conversation. Don't
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: disempower her the same way her father does.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: All right, well, we're going to take a little break.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Richard is a dad and he
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: has a daughter who is dating a guy. Richard's h
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: he's not liking it. That next therapy Thursday. How that's
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: a therapy therapy Thursday. Thank you for being here with us,
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: and we are joined by our licensed therapist, Sarah Dash
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: she's got the license to treat you.
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: Can I ask you a question before we get to
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: this letter. Do you have a preference in morning, afternoon,
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: or night for people? Like what do you find more
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: Are people more honest at a certain time of day?
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: That's a great question, Ryan, That is so interesting because
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: I I've done therapy. It's been like on the phone,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: so it's been I therapy. Yeah, and I it was
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: whenever that person was available, like noontime, mid day.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: It's I think sometimes it just depends on what works
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: better for any individual rhythm. Like sometimes like end of day,
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: they get kind of a decompression component of it. And also,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: you know, morning you're kind of getting maybe some clarity
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: for the day. Also, if you have a really heavy
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: session in the morning, though that can take a little
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: bit of a toll, so it's very very individual for me.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Doesn't make a difference. Yeah, I bet you get middle
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: of the night calls every once in a while.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, every once in a while.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: But you know, I once had therapist roommate, Patricia. She
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: was really good and we got to call in the
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: middle of the night. It was about two thirty in
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: the morning and she was running the mental health services
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: for Sandy Sea. Dro down by the border San Diego
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: and they said, we need you to come to the
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: bridge now, we have a jumper. It was asking for you.
• 15:57
  Speaker 5: Wow.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: And I got to see front seat, front row view
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: of how important it is what you do, Sarah. I
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: mean it really like she literally saved this guy's life
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: on the bridge.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: That's an amazing story.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: It was incredible. She had police come with her because
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: she's a small girl, to the edge of the bridge
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: and he was hanging on crying and when he saw her,
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: his entire face softened. Wow, and he said, my Tricia,
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: my Tricia, because she'd been treating him. He had some
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: you know, he just had some really really big problems
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: and she was so calming to him. Just the vision
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: of her right, and she was honest with him too.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: She said, I need you to get off this bridge. Yeah,
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: and we're going to put you in the back of
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: this patrol car because the police are going to take
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: care of you. I can't go with you, but I
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: promise you I will take care of you. We need
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: you off this bridge.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: That is such an amazing story. If she was his
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: emotional anchor, she has the emotional anchor that he needed.
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And so I've had I have such a respect
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: for therapy and psychology psychiatrists because you really do save lives.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: And to watch just just the way that she got
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: him off the bridge, it was incredible.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: I mean, as a therapist, it is. I mean, I
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: can't imagine a greater honor than being able to walk
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: along walk alongside somebody and you know their journey of discovery,
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: and it's just it really is such an honor and
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: such a privilege.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Well, we're so happy that that we met
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: you and that we are doing this podcast together. And
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: we got a letter. This one is from Richard. Dear Ellen, Sarah,
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: and Ryan. I never thought that turning fifty five would
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: come with this kind of emotional whiplash. My wife and
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: daughter are planning a birthday dinner for next weekend. Close family,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: a few friends, and nothing huge. I was actually looking
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: forward to it until our daughter, Christa, dropped a little
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: piece of info that has completely thrown me. She wants
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: to bring her new boyfriend. Normally that would be great.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Christa's twenty eight and has had some pretty rough relationships
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: in the past. But her boyfriend is my age. Actually
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: he's a year older. He's fifty six. Okay, all right.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: Christa called this all excited and said, I can't wait
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: for you guys to meet him. He owns a machinery
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: company and has two kids who are in their thirties,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: which means they're basically Christa's peers. So her dad is
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: super uncomfortable this, Richard, with the fact that his baby
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: girl is dating a man who's actually a year older
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: than him.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, she's twenty eight, she's fully autonomous. But for
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: her father, he still experiences her as a child, and
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: there's I think it's an inevitable developmental lag for parents
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: in terms of how they see their kids. It takes
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: a while to catch up up with the chronological reality.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Wait, so was Richard wrong?
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: He's not wrong him to have kind of a like
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: a creep out factor, like that's normal, because it's a
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: really hard thing, especially for fathers with daughters, to see
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: them as sexual beings. And now that she's with a peer,
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: it's sort of it's undebotten, deniable.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: Because he knows so right here, right he can.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: See daughter's sexuality tends to bring out really protective feelings
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: in their father. With a son, sometimes it's almost more
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: like a sense of agency, but daughters, it's really protective.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: And again, now it's not just a boy man her
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: own age, it's his peer. So I think there's a
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: little bit of an you know, it's heightened a little bit.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I fear for the guy because Krista brings this guy
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: to this birthday dinner which is close family and friends, small,
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: and then he's just getting judge, judge, judge judged. I mean,
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: and he's got to be ready for it too, because
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: you can't just be a man and think you're gonna
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: walk into this family with someone who's that much younger
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: than you and then you're going to be, you know,
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: a hunky dory.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: I think that perhaps him meeting them, the two men
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: meeting each other in a smaller group and dinner maybe
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: I think would probably be better.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: I don't know, Sarah, Honestly, I feel like you look horrified.
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: I just I don't think this guy wants him. I
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: don't think this is gonna see.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: He's used.
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: In my opinion, I've heard this and I hear this.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: I think he's only he's using this birthday party thing
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: as like a distraction, like anywhere, but there no if
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: they were going to Big Bear for a weekend, different cabins,
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: he wouldn't love it, Dodger's opening day, wouldn't want it.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: He wouldn't want this anytime, for any event. It just
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: sucks it's his birthday.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Ryan, you've dated a girl much younger than you, Yes,
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: and you went to family functions yeah, okay, and she
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: was like the age gap was what sixteen sixteen years now?
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: When you met her stepdad and her mother, did you
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: not feel the stepdad throwing daggers at you? Like, what
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: is this guy doing with my little girl?
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: Hundred percent?
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: And what was that like? Because we never really talked
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: about it.
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: I didn't love it, and I'm going to be completely honest.
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: It helped me that he was only a stepdad and
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: I'm not trying to diminish his role. If that were
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: her father, her biological father, that would have hurt more.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, But because they had a little.
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: Friction as a step parent, it wasn't like so I
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: was like, Okay, he cannot like me as much as
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: I would like a real dad, right, And I know
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: that sounds selfish, but that was That's the honest answer.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: But did it at any point? Did you think maybe
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't be dating this girl who's sixteen years younger
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: than me, even I was saying to Ryan at the time,
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: because I didn't know her family. But she's a doll
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: and we're still friends and everything's. Yes, everything one of
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: my favorites. She's amazing. But I did say I don't
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: like the age gap, only because she was so young
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: in her in her early twenties. I just felt like
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: there's being there myself at one time. I just felt
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: like there's so much growth that happens for a woman
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: between twenty three and thirty three. Right, That's what I
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: was worried she was going to break his heart. Oh,
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: you were worried that she was going to break Ryan's heart?
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: Interesting? Did she break your heart?
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: No?
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: I mean, look, yeah, there was some sadness, a lot
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: of sadness. I remember Ellen was the first person I
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: called when.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah you did. I was in the grocery store and
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: that I've got the coma.
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: And it was sad. But ultimately, like we we sat
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: and held hands and we gave hugs and we you know,
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: we gave each other a proper There was nothing bad,
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: nothing you know, damning, nothing nasty.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: Well it sounds like a beautiful ending to a relationship,
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: and you both probably learned a great deal from me.
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: Yes, we just had to let each other go. I
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: was ready for kids. She was ready to do the party. Yeah,
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: I was talking about going up.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: Yes, it's you were in a different stage of your life.
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: I don't think that different life stages necessarily preclude a
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: romantic relationship in terms of her father or this woman's stepfather.
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: I mean, people are allowed to have their feelings, but
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: they're not allowed to control other people's.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Choices, right, right, So in this you feel like Daddy's
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: controlling Christa's feelings.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: He can be It can certainly be perceived that way,
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: yea by his daughter. I think it will be perceived
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: that way if he comes at it from a you know,
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: blame using words like inappropriate. He you know, I don't
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: think that's the way to go. I mean, whether or
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: not this relationship lasts, you know, he needs to treat
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: her like the autonomous adult.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: That she is. Yeah, Richard, she's I know, she's your
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: little girl, but she's also a woman. Yeah. That is
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: a hard line, you know, from from girl to woman
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: with your daddy. It really is.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: It is, especially when she's dating his fear right eight.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: But I flashed back on this party that we went
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: to where it was a bunch of older guys. My
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: husband and I were there, but there were some older
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: guys there, and most of them were with younger girl,
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: like way younger girls. And I can just remember looking
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: at them, and they were it was almost like a
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: younger girl party. And but they were all going with
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: these older men. And I thought, because when I was
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: the age of these girls, I was only dating my age.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: I never I mean one time I might have tried
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: an older guy.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: Tried.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: I tried an older guy and it was fine, you know,
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: he had nice things and all this stuff, but I
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: just didn't feel like I could relate. The planes were
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: too far away. Yeah, so what does Richard do? Does
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: he allow the guy to come to the party.
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: Or I would potentially suggest they go grabbed him first,
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: smaller first, But I mean it's it's his party. It
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: can be what he wants. But this is true, but
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: it's what you know, how he wants things to be
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: going forward.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, with his daughter.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: And it's very likely to backfire, to backfire if he
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: takes a really hard line with this.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Well, let's go to Alicia. Alicia, thank you for coming on.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: How should Richard handle this?
• 25:18
  Speaker 6: I think Richard.
• 25:20
  Speaker 5: Needs to let her bring him, you know, like we
• 25:26
  Speaker 5: all say, age is just a number. I understand he's older,
• 25:29
  Speaker 5: but take that first step and at least meet him.
• 25:32
  Speaker 5: He owns a business, he has grown children, so maybe
• 25:34
  Speaker 5: it's something that can be successful and turn into something more.
• 25:38
  Speaker 5: And maybe she has found her happily ever after it.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: Says here that your dad married someone your age.
• 25:45
  Speaker 5: Yes, her and I are the same age, and she's
• 25:49
  Speaker 5: become one of my best friends. My dad ended up
• 25:51
  Speaker 5: passing in a car accident a few years ago and
• 25:54
  Speaker 5: she's still my stepmom for twenty seven years.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I'm sorry about your laws.
• 26:02
  Speaker 5: No, thank you, Yes, you know my dad had me
• 26:04
  Speaker 5: at a young age, so we're only my dad and
• 26:07
  Speaker 5: I are only sixteen years apart.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: But you know, yeah, but so he found happiness in
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: love with someone your age and now she's your best friend.
• 26:17
  Speaker 5: Yeah, and we have kids the same age.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, My brother and.
• 26:21
  Speaker 5: My daughter are the same age. You know, so if
• 26:23
  Speaker 5: I give them the opportunity, don't just look at the number.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Alicia, have a great day. Thank you, Okay, Alicia.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: Jamie Jamie wants to talk, Jamie, what do you say?
• 26:38
  Speaker 7: What I what I was thinking is the father or
• 26:41
  Speaker 7: the parents sho should be happy that she's maybe with
• 26:45
  Speaker 7: the older man that's going to take care of her,
• 26:47
  Speaker 7: he's not playing around. Or would they rather see her
• 26:51
  Speaker 7: with the younger guy that's going to break her heart,
• 26:53
  Speaker 7: cheat on her, you know, maybe someone that's not ready
• 26:56
  Speaker 7: to settle down. Maybe an older person, you know, will
• 27:00
  Speaker 7: not break her heart, so they have to maybe look
• 27:03
  Speaker 7: at it that way, you know, a mature person.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: And also could this older gentleman be just that a
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: band age. She's had some bad relationships. Maybe he will
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: teach her real love and maybe he's maybe he's just
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: in her life for a reason to get her over
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: the hump.
• 27:24
  Speaker 7: Yeah, I think it's an older person will teach her,
• 27:27
  Speaker 7: you know what, this is how you should be treated right,
• 27:30
  Speaker 7: so uh and just enjoy enjoy it for whatever time
• 27:34
  Speaker 7: it last, just you know, hopefully to show her a different,
• 27:37
  Speaker 7: different type of relationship that she should be happy.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Maybe sometimes we think too far down the line exactly.
• 27:44
  Speaker 7: Just you know, if she's happy and he's treating her right,
• 27:48
  Speaker 7: then why not let it be?
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: Yes?
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: I mean what I was just thinking is you never
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: want to disregard somebody who loves someone you love. There's
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: value in that.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: Yes, very true.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: I love that because of what we may not be
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: completely comfortable with. I do believe that that comes secondary.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: Never disregards someone who loves someone you love.
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: Is We're done here?
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: So good?
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: You like it?
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: Happy Valentine's Day? Yes, I love it.