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The Fifth Hour: Gleaming Like a Faberge Egg · The Ben Maller Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kubbooms.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: It's the clearinghouse of hot takes. Break free for something special.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: In the air everywhere The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Mahler and Danny g Radio A Happy Friday to you.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: It is February twentieth, twenty twenty six. I have just
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: walked back into the remote studio. I know you're very
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: excited about that for this episode of the Fifth Hour
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: podcast me and Danny g And it is just me
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: today celebrating National Muffin Day. That's right, National muffin Day. Congratulations,
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Go eat a muffin, the muffin, the English style muffy.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Here's a fun fact for Alf thealon opiner and for
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: you as well. English style muffins originated in Wales and
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: they contained yeast and were crooked in a pan that's
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: in the tenth century. Do you realize that we are
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: in the line of generation after generation that enjoyed the muffin. Now,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: in seventeen o three, the first found printed reference to
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: a muffin was spelled not muff i n. It was
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: spelled moofn muffin, which became muffin. And then in the
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: nineteenth century muffin mania. The world became in. It became
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  Speaker 1: one with the muffin. The muffin became very popular in Britain.
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  Speaker 1: There were muffin factories set up all over England. I'm
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: sure Terry and England knows the history of the muffin.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Being a proud Englishman, I'm sure he knows all all
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: about that. So there you go. Celebrate National Muffin Day.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: On this edition of The Fifth Hour Podcast, we have
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: gleaming like a Faberge egg and foody fun. Those two
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: things not related, not related, however, we will combine them
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: together on this the Fifth Hour Podcast. Pretty good week
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: on the radio, had some fun, unique callers, some fun moments,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: great snoring, and just a good time had by all.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: So I wanted to begin though a little ditty, a
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: little story, and you know in your own journey. I've
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: got my journey, You've got your journey. There are certain
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: defeats that happen in life, that arrive and they make
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: headlines and and they get a lot of attention. And
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: then there are those day to day quiet humiliations that
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: you don't anticipate. They sneak up on you, and sometimes
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  Speaker 1: even in your own kitchen. Now, this is not a
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: tale of Benny the Baker. It is not about that.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: But the other day, after a long drive back from
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: Sherman Oaks to the north Woods at a secret location
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: off the grid, which in southern California parlance counts as
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: a rugged frontier country unless it doesn't, I return to
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: what I affectionately have called for years the Malar Mansion.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: It's the place I live. I've lived in a few
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: Malar mansions. This I believe will be the final Malar
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: mansion that I live in, But who knows. You never know,
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I might end up somewhere else. Now, if you ever visit,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: know that you're not invited. Number One, it's my private home.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: You're not invited. Two Two, it is less the taj
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: Mahal or some have called it the taj Mamalar and
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: more practical suburban enclave. It's got a dishwasher, and in
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: modern America, that makes me a duke, Benny the Duke.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I have a dishwasher. Now I wash the dishes. The
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: dishwasher is the final step. I've explained that my backup
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: plan for years was to get a job at Costco,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: and somebody who works in management here the radio show
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: and told me to get a real job. I've given
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: up the Costco dreams for now. I've decided that I
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: will be a professional dishwasher. That's my new gig. I
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: might go back to Costco at some point, but I
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: enjoy washing dishes. And then the final step is to
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: put the dishwasher into use. I wash the dishes. I
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: then put them in the dishwasher. That's the final step
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: to desanitize or to sanitize the dishes. And in the
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: way this works. On this particular day, I parked the
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: malamobile and I trudged inside from the audio sweatshop, disheveled, frazzled.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: I shuffled some papers like I was Rush Limbaugh or
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: some low rent bookkeeper. And I followed the ancient rituals
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: of my people. When I say my people gas bags,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: I filled up the water jug. I wrote down some
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: chicken scratch. I say, wrote it down. I actually typed
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: it in my phone. Some notes the Malther radio database
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: update update. Now more importantly, I let my beloved dog,
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: my companion, my cuddle buddy while my wife's working, Moxie.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Moxie had to go potty. It was potty time. But
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: she's also my patrol dog, which means she goes out
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: and lays down and watches the rabbits and the squirrels
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: and all the other critters run by, and doesn't give
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: a crap, doesn't care, just wants to take a nap.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: Any kind of animal can be out there, don't matter. Now,
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: if you toss a ball out there, turn on a vacuum,
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: she will become the most ravenous beast you've ever seen.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Other than that, he just chills out. That's Moxie's game,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: That's how she operates. She's a cool dog. Now. We
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: all love being creatures of habit. I think we're all
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: creatures of habit. I don't know anyone that's not. And
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: mine are so fixed that you could set your sun
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: dial by them. So I place my wallet and my
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: keys in their appointed spot every day, same spot. I
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: started doing this when I used to lose my wallet
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  Speaker 1: and my keys, and I thought, well, that's like five
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: or ten minutes a day where I am searching around
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  Speaker 1: for my wallet my keys. That's a waste of time.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: It was ten minutes a day. That's it adds up. Yeah,
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: that's that's all for an hour a week that you're
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: just wasting your time trying to find your keys. So
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I figured out a spot, and that's what a grown
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: up does. I put my keys and my wallet down there,
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: and it's as reliable as a postman in a Norman
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Rockwell painting when I was a kid, and those were big.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: And so later I decided that I needed to retrieve
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: something from the car, and I went to this sacred
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: altar of leather and metal and I grabbed my wallet
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: it was present and accounted for, and then reached over
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: to grab my keys where I always put my keys
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  Speaker 1: squad douche, as a tillo would say in Florida, squad doushe.
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  Speaker 1: Now I thought I must have just put them a
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: little off to the right. So I moved my hand
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: a little the right, and then I started making a circle.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm widening my hand and I'm making circles like
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: I'm making circles and crops back in the day, and
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: or like a hunter trying to find trying to find gold.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: I'm searching like the gold rush, trying to find my gold.
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  Speaker 1: So nothing like, oh, man, okay, they must have dropped,
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  Speaker 1: no problem, I'll check the floor. I went down, I
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: checked the floor. Nothing. I said, well, they must have
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: just dropped on the counter, that I probably should check
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: that first. What a dumb dumb So then I checked
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: the counter, and I checked the counter again, because hope
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: spring's eternal when you're foolish, bupkis. So then I thought, well,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: maybe there's not enough light. You know, it's dark, it's
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: come back. It's like four in the morning, you know whatever,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: five in the morning. So I turned the lights on.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: And at this point a lesser man might just shrug.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: And I am not a lesser man. I want you
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: to know. I am not a lesser man. I am
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: a practitioner of malor math. I do the arithmetic, and
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I retraced my steps with the determination of a hound
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  Speaker 1: dog or a detective wearing a trench coat like movies
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: back in the day, and I mapped the crime scene.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I had it all taped off, the crime scene, the foyer,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: the kitchen, the remote studio, the back patio, the dog root.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: And I even went outside scanning the driveway as if
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: I thought, well, maybe maybe I just dropped the keys
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: in some shrubbery and they're they're having a sip of
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: lemonade off to the side or something like that. It felt,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: and I'm sure this has happened to you. I think
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: it's happened everybody. But it felt like a how do
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: I describe it, Like a demon portal that opened the
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: same vortex that devours socks, remote controls, and on some
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: level your dignity. And at this point the narrating voice
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: in my head became Rod Serling. I could hear Rod
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: narrating my plight with his iconic pipes, and you might
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: not know who Rod Serling is. That's a turn of reference, Boomer.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: sight and sound, but of mind, a journey into a
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That signposts
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: up ahead your next stop, the twilight zone. Do do
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: do do do do do do do do Yeah. Of course,
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  Speaker 1: this would be the middle aged radio blowhard who believes
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  Speaker 1: in routine, now undone by the disappearance of a small
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  Speaker 1: electronic keyfob. Now I retrace my steps. I know I
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: did that. I retrace my steps again, indoors, outdoors, in
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  Speaker 1: and out lifestyle, under the cushions behind the doors. Now
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: I know, I know I did not go to that sofa.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: I know I didn't go there. Yet for some reason,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I was like, well, maybe somehow I ended up here abercadaver.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: So at this point I had decided I had lost
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: the race. I was ready to give a concession speech,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: and that was now the voice. I went from Rod
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Sterling to failed presidential candidate. And you know, I just
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: realized the electoral map is a cruel mistress. And I
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: conceded defeat to the invisible key syndicate. I'd given up.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: So I mentioned this to my wife as she was
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: She's working the day shift now, so we're ships passing
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: in the early morning hours. And my wife woke up
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: and I said, I got bad news. What's the bad news.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: I said, well, I apologize, I've let the family down,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I've lost the key. And she's very optimistic, cock eyed optimist.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: She said, don't worry, it's gonna turn off, so I
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: explained gently because my wife had just woken up, but
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: very firmly, I said, listen, I have done the mouth
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: or Maath again. And the probability, based on the percentage
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: chance that we find it, the probability is roughly the
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: equivalent of discovering go in the backyard, getting a shovel
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: and you know, moving away the kiddie pool and discovering
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: buried pirate gold bouyon. Under that, I said, the key's going.
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  Speaker 1: That's it. It's vanished. I don't know what happened. Vaporize.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: And then she went to work and I went to bed,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: and I'm envisioning the walk of shame to the hardware store,
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: hat in hand, asking for a replacement key that could
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: cost roughly the GDP of a small republic. So I
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: went to bed, but for me it was morning. So
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: I woke up, which was actually afternoon for most mortal people.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: And I wandered the same blueprint of my previous day,
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: like a treasure hunter with a a faulty map. And
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: I wandered around and zippo, zippo. So now I crank
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: things up a couple of notches. I opened drawers, I
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: started to stare at things I shouldn't stare at, just countertops.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I then went back to the room with the sofa.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: I now accused the furniture, the sofa, and the side
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  Speaker 1: table of malfeasance. And then that's it. I started then
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: doing some work, and then later that day, while engaged
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: in the noble pursuit of dishwashing my backup jobs. Even
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: though you're a duke for having a dishwasher, you still
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: have to you have to rinse the plates, as I said,
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  Speaker 1: and all that. So I did that. I opened up
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: the dishwasher to insert a couple of items and wai
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  Speaker 1: la prestow. There it was ding ding ding ning ning,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: nestled among the plates and the bowls like ex caliber,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: and the stone was the key to the malormobile. And
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: I stopped. I did it seemed like I stopped for
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: ten minutes. I probably stopped for about five seconds, but
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: I stood there, frozen for five seconds, and I stared
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: at it. And at this point I was like, well,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: maybe they'll talk to me. I feel like I've gone
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: out of my way. I've spent pretty much a day
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: of my life trying to find this and that demon
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: portal from another dimension had not swallowed the keys. I
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: had dumb, dumb numb nuts, or more precisely, I had
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: dropped them into the dishwasher. And then this is the
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: cruel detail the rest of the story. As Paul Harvey
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: would say, I turned it on to the maximum Dante's
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Inferno setting while tracing my steps. I had failed in
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: this search to inspect the one place no sane man
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: would look for a car key, the whirlpool. There it
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: was freshly laundered, gleaming like a Faberge egg. And I
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: am now the proud owner of the cleanest car key
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: west of the Mississippi. If the people are at the
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: Smithsonian in DC, if they are listening, I will consider
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: loaning this. You can't have it, it's mine, but I
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: will loan it out for the SMITHSONI if they want
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: to look at this key fob So. Then the joy
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: gave way to absolute dread as I realized while I
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: had found the key, that's the good news. The bad
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: news is, yeah, the modern car key is not simply
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: a piece of metal like Rob Manford would call the
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: championship trophy in baseball. They are miniature computers. They have
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: the buttons, the chips. There's this sorcery to them, this
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: mysterious sorcery. So then I realized that even though I
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: had won, I had still lost. Surely a couple of
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: hours boiling in the steamy dish cauldron would reduce this
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: to a useless item, that it would just be electronic confetti.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: It looked good. So this is what I assumed, again,
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: was a furic victory where you had won the battle,
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: but you'd lost the war, and so the key had reappeared,
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: and you know, like a night returning from battle, it
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: would be mortally wounded. That would be it. So I'd
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: still had to make the walk of shame and go
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: to the hardware store, and that would be there terrible.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: So to move ahead in the story, I walked outside.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: I was very tented. If you don't even make that walk,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: you're like, oh, this is not gonna go well. And
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: I was like I was approaching some kind of wild
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: beast out in the serengetti. And I got kind of
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: close to my car. I held the key at arm's length,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: like many people these days would hold the phone up
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: like they're doing the Statue of Liberty, and I slowly
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: pressed the button convinced I'm getting porked. So I pressed
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: the button. Click the car unlocked. Sweet baby Jesus, the
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: car unlocked. I press it again, click the car locked.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: At that moment, at that moment, one of the great
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: miracles of the modern world took place, and very few
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: people know about it. And I'm sharing this story with you,
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: and not many people know about this. The key worked perfectly, perfectly,
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: not a hiccup, not a wheeze. It had endured a
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: mechanical purgatory, and it appears it emerged stronger, cleaner, like
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: a prize fighter with the perfect bill of health. Now
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna sit here behind these microphones and pretend
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: to understand the science. I don't get it. There's no
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: reason it should have worked. Perhaps these keys are forged
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: with the laboratory, the science that they use in submarines.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: Perhaps the engineers who make these keys had anticipated the
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: folly of being human. They'd built them to withstand a dishwasher,
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: a monsoon, or a clumsy radio host. All I know
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: is this. I had written the oh bit, I had
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: written the obituary for the keys. I had prepared for
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: the fiscal hit that I was going to take and
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: yet there it was sanitized, operational, good to go. So
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: there's some kind of lesson here, I would think, right,
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: there's a lesson like the watch your thing, the what
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: you mccally. So I will attempt to deliver it with
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: all the gravitas of a man who has stared into
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: the abitiness of his own absent mindedness. Yet again. And
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: just to repeat for those of you in the back
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: of the room, we're all creatures of habit. We put
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: things in the same place. We do that every day.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: We convince ourselves that we are in control of our
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: own world, our own universe, and all that stuff. And
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: when things don't line up, we of course have issues.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: We assume the worst. We draft the concession speech, We
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: prepare for the humiliation, or a costly humiliation. However, sometimes
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: for no rhyme or reason, the solution is hiding in
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: plain sight, tucked among the dinner plates, the knife, the forks,
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: the bowls, through a cycle we never even considered. The
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: key to victory, as it were, is this, When in doubt,
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: clean out the dishwasher. That's it. When in doubt clean
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: out the dishwasher. Is it elegant?
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: No?
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: Is it profound? No? It will not appear in any
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: of those self help books or videos you watch on YouTube,
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: but in the grand scheme of the Malar Mansion, it
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: counts as a win. And in a world that we
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: all share here that really delights in gobbling up things, gobble, gobble,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: whether it's our socks or our sanity, I will take
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: the small victory of a sparkling, fully functional keyfob as
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: a triumph of old fashioned good fortune, even if it
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: did require a trip through the rent cycle to get there.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: Let's get to We have food E fun, all right,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: for food e fun, get me the mood food e fun.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: Some by request, I got a couple of emails. All
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: it takes is one or two emails, and I'll do
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: whatever you want. I don't care. I mean, I don't
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: care what the f you want. Just request something, I'll
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: do it. I used to do this every week. I
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: stopped doing foody Fun and we brought it back and
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: some of you liked it, and then I'd stopped it,
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: and now you're saying, why didn't you bring it back?
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: So these are actual food stories that we all got
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: to eat. And that's the mantra of FOODI Fun. There's
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: always new items to try to convince you to spend
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: your money at various fast food restaurants. It's not cheap
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: anymore to eat fast food. When I back in my day,
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: when I was a killed, it was very inexpensive. First off,
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: we'll go to Popeyes. Now. When I think of Popeyes,
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: I think of fried chicken. I think of those chicken
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: sandwiches and Popeyes. I think of the biscuits of Popeyes.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: You know what, I don't think seafood. However, Popeyes bringing
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: back I know they have. There was a viral video
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: about the Popeye shrimp and all that. Remember the yeah, yeah, anyway,
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Popeyes is getting back into the fish, the fish game. Yeah,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I know you're excited. Try not to try. Yeah, the
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: butterfly shrimp. Remember that viral clip that was big right
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: where the guy reviewed the Cheddar bay biscuit. It was
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: with the Cheddar biscuit butterfly shrimp thing and he said,
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined. Okay, anyway,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: popular sea food items for all new dry rub options
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: to kick your a la carte shrimp order, and a
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: tackle box. So they got that at Popeye's Windy's Hello,
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: they're closing a bunch of restaurants, but they are introducing
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: the new thin Mint Frosty Fusion for Girl Scout Cookie season.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: So that's exciting. A return to the fan favorite. They
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: have the thin Minty Frosty Fusion. It doesn't sound bad.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I gotta tell you, it doesn't sound bad, but there
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: you go. They've got that available at participating locations. It
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: is available right now. Thin Mint Frosty Fusion. Thin Mint
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Frosty Swirl the other option there, so check that out.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Burger King, they've got the Maple Bourbon Barbecue Whopper was
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: introduced to the Million Dollar Whopper Contest a couple of
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: years ago, and Burger King has announced that it's back,
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: is it. They're mic rib participating locations. You can get
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: your hands on the Maple Bourbon Barbecue Whopper, and the
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: price points may vary. The sweet smoky burger expected to
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: cost around eight dollars and fifty cents. Eight dollars and
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: fifty cents. It's got the They debut this the Barbecue
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Brisket Whopper and the Crispy Onion Whopper. Those were fan
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: creations in their series and so this one is coming back.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: So it doesn't sound bad. Substitute the bacon. What else
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: do we have another Wendy's Out of Wendy's unveiling the
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: new cheesy Bacon cheeseburger and chicken tender ranch Wrap. I'm
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: good on that. Available participating locations, So you can go
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: to Wendy's, get your cheesy bacon cheeseburger, get a side
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: of chicken tender ranch wrap if you're into that kind
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: of thing, and then a thin mint frosty fusion. So
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: there is that's been available for a couple of days.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: And they say that the cheesy bacon cheeseburger features a fresh,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: never frozen, quarter pound beef patty topped with melti American cheese,
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: three strips of applewood smoked bacon, and cheddar cheese sauce,
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: all served on a premium lightly toasted bun. Sounds all right,
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: I think I'm hungry. Well this one blew me away.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: This one blew me away Costco with no fanfare, no
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: announcement from Costco. They just quietly dropped a new item. Hello,
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: the food court at Costco just dropped a new item. Yes, yes, yes,
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: what is it? Well, it is the double chocolate mint Sunday. Yeah.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: It's a mint soft serve layered with chocolate cookie crumble
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: and chocolate sauce gently swirled into a mint green and
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: brown tie dyed delight. It has a two to ninety
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: nine price tag. That is the suggested retail price. And
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: we're told, I guess this is not widely available. Some
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: locations have soft launched it. I guess they did some
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: free samples at some locations. But from what we're told, now,
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: boots on the ground, boots on the ground. It is
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: good to go. Now, if you're on a diet, this
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: is a slight problem. This thing has seven one hundred
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: and ninety calories. Seven one hundred and ninety calories for
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: this thing, so good now, just for comparison's sake, that's great. Uh.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: You want to take a guess how many calories? I
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: don't know. Let's pick a popular a popular item. I
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: about a big mac? How many calories in a big mac?
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: Let's see here, take a you got a number. Okay,
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: there are approximately five hundred and forty calories in a
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: big mac. So you could eat a big mac and
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: a half and you'd just be slightly over the cal
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: rey count. Yeah, listen, if you're going into Costco, it's
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: an impulse purchase. You gotta live a little bit. Why
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: not just get your fat ass on the treadmill. You'll
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: be good to go. Go out for a walk, go
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: see the great outdoors. What else do we have? Well,
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: this is I wish I lived in Canada. I gotta
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: get my Canadian brothers and sisters here. I gotta go
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: see Canada again. I gotta go back to Vancouver or
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: Toronto or something because McDonald's Canada just launched a collab
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: with Drake and his brand featuring a night sprite. It's
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: called The Afters Meal and it's again a partnership with
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: with Drake. And what is this all about? Oh like
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: let me explain, all right, So the and again this
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: is we need this in America. We we we definitely,
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: we definitely need this in America. I have to check
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: with my guy Nico on this. He'll have to beat
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: my boots on the ground and taste it. So McDonald's Canada,
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: this is it was mostly recently, I guess said in Toronto.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I think it's all over Canada now based on what
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm reading. Night sprite, Uh, it's sprite mixed with
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: blueberry raspberry syrup, served in a black paper cup stamp
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: with the Drake brand and his owl low Go and
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: the rollout apparently low key, much like Costco popped up
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: around Toronto, so I might not be available in Vancouver.
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: There's also a meal that just kind of popped up,
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: also quietly out of nowhere, out of left field. There
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: wasn't a big marketing campaign. Drake didn't do a cameo.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: Who so let's see here the cups were already being
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: sold for forty dollars. For forty dollars, they were being sold.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: But that's to me, that's not the story here. To me,
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: it's the poutine. They have the Junior Chicken or mcdouble,
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: and that's the meal. So you got to drink the
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: Night's sprite the poutine. Does McDonald's Canada send me an email, Nico,
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: or send me a text or something. Did they have
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: poutine at McDonald's. I should have gone of McDonald's when
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: I was there. Assays available now participate many locations across Canada,
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: so it is all over Canada. After meals that you
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: choose between the Junior Chicken sandwich and the mcdouble paired
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: with a regular sized poutine that is solid. We gotta
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: make poutine more mainstream in America. I'm gonna die on
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: that mountain. Well. Frosted Flakes has decided that they need
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: to change their iconic hey Tony jingle, So they did
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: what any business would do. They brought in a rapper. Yeah,
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: they're trying to get kids to enjoy frosted flakes, and
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: what better way to get kids to enjoy frosted flakes
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: than a rapper? I am not familiar with this gentleman's work.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: J I D. People at Kellogg's announced their first ever
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: culture collab. Is this something that we need? Is this? Yeah? Anyway,
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: apparently this guy was big in the nineties. I don't
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: I don't remember. And hey Tony jingle fresh dose of coolness.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: There in the press release they say fresh cos fresh
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: freshness and all that. So they are reuniting with the
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: brand to recreate the Haye Tony jingle. So we'll we'll
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: see how that goes well. This sounds like a terrible
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: idea and early results are it is not going well.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: Walmart is testing a new food item in Jacksonville, Florida.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: The newest Walmart supercenter. And this is a trial store,
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: so if you're in Jacksonville, check this thing out and
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: see if it's It's their new adventure. They are testing
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: fresh sushi bars. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah. Walmart superstent of location.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: The company's plan is to build or convert more than
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: one hundred and fifty stores over the next couple of
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: years in a tempt they're going to modernize the retail experience.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: According to one of the business websites they conducted the
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: American Customer Satisfaction Index. Based on all these surveys, Walmart
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: was seventeen out of nineteen in the supermarket category. The
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: quality and freshness of the meat and the produce was
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: one of the metrics and all this so they are
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: trying to modernize their stores and they have upgraded the
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: grocery section and they do have the first ever fresh
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: sushi bar, and it is not going well. They're not
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: getting good reviews. It's not a good idea. We're gonna die.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: The next pandemic will be because of sushi at Walmart.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: Those kinds of things should come with a care package
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: of toilet paper, that kind of stuff. Who knows what
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: else do we have on FOODI phone. We'll do a
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: couple more. Costco has finally changed to the digital world.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: They're letting customers now order cakes in their Costco app.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: Before you had to fill out the paper, which was ridiculous.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: And we'll leave you on this one. The CEO of
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: Chipotle is public enemy number one. This douche nozzle, if
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: this story is accurate, on an earnings call, decided to
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: brag they keep raising the prices at Chipotle. That stopped
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: going there a couple of years ago because it was ridiculous.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: I'm like, dude, it's not that good. It was very
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: popular for a while, but all these companies they get
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: so big and eventually they destroy themselves with the price
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: of the food and all that. So we learned that
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: sixty This is according to a conference call with franchisese
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: the CEO said, we learned that sixty percent of our
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: core users are over a hundred thousand dollars a year
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: in income, in average household income. That gives us confidence
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: that we can lean into that group in a more
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: meaningful way, whether it's a solo occasion or a group occasion,
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: to really drive meaningful transaction performance in the year, which
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: is let me decode that we are going to continue
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: to stick it to our customers and we only really
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: care about the people that have a lot of money.
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: That's it. And we're gonna keep raising prices up, up
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: and away, and that's how we're gonna do it. That's it.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: So screw everyone else, screw everyone else. That's what we're
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: gonna do. All right, got good luck on that. Let
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: me know when your prices go down, or let me
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: know when you get a new CEO. Then maybe I'll
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: be back on that note. Have a great rest of
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: your Friday. We've got two more episodes this weekend original content. Yes,
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: I think I did about twenty minutes on a key,
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: but it doesn't matter. I had to tell that story,
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: and you know that's it. So we will have the
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: mail bag on Sunday. You can send a letter in
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: via email obviously for the mail bag Real fifth Hour
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. That's Real fifth Hour at gmail
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: dot com. If you'd like to be part of the
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: mail bag, and we'll see about Danny possibly being with
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: me on the Saturday one. I don't know about that.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: We'll find out. But have a great day today and
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: we will catch you next time. Later skater asta pasta
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: is that the line? Is the mic working? Danny is?
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: I don't it's working? Yes, I am such a radio loser.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: It this freakin thing better be working. I was impressed
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: by the size, but I'm not gonna lie, Danny. That
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: was a big cock. What got a murder? I gotta go.