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318. Why Your Mind Panics When You Don’t Know · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Kathie (2): Can we talk later?" Four words.
• 0:03
  Kathie (2): That's all the text says.
• 0:04
  Kathie (2): "Can we talk later?" And suddenly your mind is off to the races.
• 0:09
  Kathie (2): Why?
• 0:10
  Kathie (2): What's wrong?
• 0:11
  Kathie (2): Are they mad at me?
• 0:12
  Kathie (2): Did I say something?
• 0:13
  Kathie (2): Did I do something?
• 0:15
  Kathie (2): You start scrolling backward through your texts.
• 0:17
  Kathie (2): Wait, yesterday they said,"Okay," instead of,"Sounds good." Was that weird?
• 0:24
  Kathie (2): They didn't put a heart on my last message either.
• 0:26
  Kathie (2): Oh my God, something is definitely wrong.
• 0:29
  Kathie (2): Except you don't know that.
• 0:32
  Kathie (2): You have four words:"Can we talk later?" That's the information.
• 0:36
  Kathie (2): Everything else, you filled in the blank.
• 0:39
  Kathie (2): And here's what I've been thinking about lately.
• 0:42
  Kathie (2): Maybe the problem isn't uncertainty.
• 0:45
  Kathie (2): Maybe the problem is what we do the moment uncertainty hits the room, because we don't like a blank.
• 0:52
  Kathie (2): We want to fill it.
• 0:54
  Kathie (2): We want an answer.
• 0:55
  Kathie (2): We want to know what happens next, and sometimes we would rather invent an answer than sit inside a question.
• 1:03
  Kathie (2): So what if you didn't?
• 1:04
  Kathie (2): What if you paused?
• 1:06
  Kathie (2): And what if, just for a moment, you allowed reality to remain unfinished?
• 1:14
  Kathie (2): Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 1:16
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen, and I study human patterns under pressure.
• 1:21
  Kathie (2): My work sits at the intersection of psychology, consciousness, emotional regulation, and leadership.
• 1:27
  Kathie (2): And lately, I've become fascinated with one particular moment.
• 1:33
  Kathie (2): It's the moment when uncertainty hits the room, because that's when our patterns get loud, and that's also where we have a choice.
• 1:44
  Kathie (2): When I speak about this on stage, I'll often ask the audience,"Uncertainty just hit the room.
• 1:49
  Kathie (2): What do you do?" And then I stop.
• 1:53
  Kathie (2): I don't answer the question.
• 1:55
  Kathie (2): I pause, and you can almost feel what happens in the room.
• 1:59
  Kathie (2): People start thinking.
• 2:00
  Kathie (2): Somebody eventually says,"I try to fix it." Someone else says,"I overthink.
• 2:05
  Kathie (2): I worry.
• 2:06
  Kathie (2): I take control.
• 2:07
  Kathie (2): I shut down.
• 2:08
  Kathie (2): I try to figure out what's going to happen." Exactly.
• 2:13
  Kathie (2): But there's something happening before all of those things.
• 2:17
  Kathie (2): There's a tiny space, a pause, and most of us move through it so quickly that we don't even know it's there.
• 2:25
  Kathie (2): Something happens, uncertainty hits, and go.
• 2:30
  Kathie (2): Fix it.
• 2:31
  Kathie (2): Predict it.
• 2:31
  Kathie (2): Control it.
• 2:32
  Kathie (2): Explain it.
• 2:33
  Kathie (2): Google it.
• 2:33
  Kathie (2): Text somebody.
• 2:34
  Kathie (2): Replay the conversation.
• 2:36
  Kathie (2): Do something, anything.
• 2:38
  Kathie (2): Just don't sit here and not know.
• 2:41
  Kathie (2): But what if that tiny space is where your power actually is?
• 2:46
  Kathie (2): I've talked about the pause many times, but I'm starting to see another layer of it.
• 2:51
  Kathie (2): The pause isn't necessarily where we find the answer.
• 2:55
  Kathie (2): Sometimes the answer isn't available yet.
• 2:58
  Kathie (2): That's important because I've spent plenty of time pausing while secretly trying to solve everything.
• 3:06
  Kathie (2): Maybe you've done that, too.
• 3:08
  Kathie (2): We call it pausing, but inside our head, we're holding a board meeting.
• 3:12
  Kathie (2): What does this mean?
• 3:13
  Kathie (2): What should I do?
• 3:14
  Kathie (2): What happens if they say this?
• 3:16
  Kathie (2): What will I say if they do that?
• 3:18
  Kathie (2): Maybe this means dot, dot, dot.
• 3:20
  Kathie (2): Maybe this, that means dot, dot, dot.
• 3:23
  Kathie (2): That's not really a pause.
• 3:26
  Kathie (2): That's prediction with our eyes closed.
• 3:29
  Kathie (2): The pause I'm talking about is different.
• 3:32
  Kathie (2): It's the moment where I can recognize,"I don't know yet." And instead of treating that as a problem, I leave it alone, not forever, just for now, because maybe reality hasn't finished giving me the information.
• 3:50
  Kathie (2): So think about a pitcher standing on the mound, game on the line, pressure everywhere, thousands of people watching.
• 3:57
  Kathie (2): He gets the ball, and what does he do before he throws it?
• 4:01
  Kathie (2): He pauses.
• 4:02
  Kathie (2): Maybe he adjusts his hat, takes a breath, looks at the catcher, sets his feet.
• 4:07
  Kathie (2): Just for a moment, everything gets quiet.
• 4:11
  Kathie (2): Now, imagine if instead his mind took off.
• 4:14
  Kathie (2): "What if I miss?
• 4:16
  Kathie (2): What if he hits it?
• 4:17
  Kathie (2): What if we lose control?
• 4:19
  Kathie (2): What if we lose the game?
• 4:21
  Kathie (2): What if I screw this up?
• 4:22
  Kathie (2): What happens tomorrow?
• 4:24
  Kathie (2): What are people gonna say?" Now he's not throwing one pitch.
• 4:27
  Kathie (2): He's throwing 20 imaginary pitches into 20 imaginary futures.
• 4:34
  Kathie (2): The pause brings him back.
• 4:36
  Kathie (2): This pitch, that's all.
• 4:39
  Kathie (2): He doesn't need to know how the game ends.
• 4:41
  Kathie (2): He needs to be present enough to participate in what is happening now.
• 4:46
  Kathie (2): Throw the pitch, then reality gives him more information.
• 4:52
  Kathie (2): And that brings me to something in reality transurfing that has changed the way I think about uncertainty.
• 4:59
  Kathie (2): Vadim Zeland talks about something called inner intention and outer intention, and I've developed a very simple way of understanding it in my own life.
• 5:10
  Kathie (2): Inner intention is my intention.
• 5:13
  Kathie (2): Outer intention is the universe's intention.
• 5:16
  Kathie (2): Now, stay with me here because I don't mean do nothing and let the universe handle it.
• 5:22
  Kathie (2): Actually, I think that's the opposite of what I'm talking about.
• 5:27
  Kathie (2): Inner intention matters.
• 5:29
  Kathie (2): I participate.
• 5:30
  Kathie (2): I make the call.
• 5:31
  Kathie (2): I have the conversation.
• 5:33
  Kathie (2): I create the thing.
• 5:34
  Kathie (2): I set the boundary.
• 5:35
  Kathie (2): I ask the question.
• 5:37
  Kathie (2): I throw the pitch.
• 5:38
  Kathie (2): But here's the problem.
• 5:40
  Kathie (2): My intention only knows what I know.
• 5:44
  Kathie (2): My mind doesn't know what somebody else is going to decide tomorrow.
• 5:48
  Kathie (2): I don't know what conversation is happening somewhere else.
• 5:51
  Kathie (2): I don't know what opportunity has not appeared yet.
• 5:55
  Kathie (2): I don't know what somebody is thinking.
• 5:58
  Kathie (2): I don't know what will change next week.
• 6:00
  Kathie (2): I don't know every variable moving around me.
• 6:04
  Kathie (2): And yet, how often do I decide that I already know how everything needs to happen?
• 6:10
  Kathie (2): That's where I get into trouble because inner intention starts trying to do the universe's job too.
• 6:17
  Kathie (2): And I love this distinction.
• 6:21
  Kathie (2): Inner intention asks me to participate.
• 6:24
  Kathie (2): Outer intention reminds me that I'm not the only participant.
• 6:29
  Kathie (2): There are things moving outside my field of vision, and I don't have to control them.
• 6:35
  Kathie (2): I couldn't control them if I tried.
• 6:38
  Kathie (2): This does not mean I stop wanting things.
• 6:41
  Kathie (2): I think this gets misunderstood sometimes.
• 6:45
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment does not require amputating desire.
• 6:50
  Kathie (2): I'm gonna repeat that because it's important.
• 6:53
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment does not require amputating desire.
• 6:58
  Kathie (2): I can want the relationship to work.
• 7:00
  Kathie (2): I can want the opportunity.
• 7:02
  Kathie (2): I can want someone I love to be okay.
• 7:05
  Kathie (2): I can want the client to say yes.
• 7:08
  Kathie (2): I can want the pitch to be a strike.
• 7:10
  Kathie (2): I can want something with my whole dang heart.
• 7:14
  Kathie (2): That's human.
• 7:16
  Kathie (2): The shift happens when I really want this quietly becomes this is how it needs to happen, because now inner intention has taken over the entire field.
• 7:28
  Kathie (2): I've already written the ending, and reality hasn't finished the sentence.
• 7:34
  Kathie (2): That's where the pause comes back in.
• 7:36
  Kathie (2): Wait, what do I actually know?
• 7:39
  Kathie (2): What is mine right now?
• 7:40
  Kathie (2): And what am I trying to know that simply isn't available to me yet?
• 7:47
  Kathie (2): This is where the three principles have become incredibly important in my own work, and those three principles are non-attachment, radical responsibility, and courage.
• 7:59
  Kathie (2): And I do not see these as nice ideas.
• 8:02
  Kathie (2): I see them as something I practice inside the pause.
• 8:05
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment says,"I can want this without deciding exactly how it must unfold." Radical responsibility says,"What is actually mine to do?
• 8:17
  Kathie (2): Maybe I need to make the call.
• 8:19
  Kathie (2): Maybe I need to apologize.
• 8:20
  Kathie (2): Maybe I need to ask the uncomfortable question.
• 8:23
  Kathie (2): Maybe I need to set the boundary.
• 8:25
  Kathie (2): Maybe I need to do absolutely nothing yet because I don't possess enough information, but I take responsibility for my part." Not everybody's part.
• 8:36
  Kathie (2): Not everybody's part.
• 8:38
  Kathie (2): And then there's courage, and I think sometimes we imagine courage as taking massive action.
• 8:47
  Kathie (2): But I'm beginning to think some of the most difficult courage happens after I've done what's mine and before I know what happens next.
• 8:57
  Kathie (2): That's uncomfortable.
• 8:59
  Kathie (2): I made the call.
• 9:00
  Kathie (2): Now I wait.
• 9:01
  Kathie (2): I told the truth.
• 9:02
  Kathie (2): Now I don't know how they'll respond.
• 9:05
  Kathie (2): I submitted the proposal.
• 9:07
  Kathie (2): Now I don't know.
• 9:09
  Kathie (2): I set the boundary.
• 9:10
  Kathie (2): Now I don't know what happens to the relationship.
• 9:13
  Kathie (2): I threw the pitch.
• 9:14
  Kathie (2): Now the ball has left my hand.
• 9:15
  Kathie (2): That's the pause.
• 9:18
  Kathie (2): I've done what is mine, and now I don't know.
• 9:22
  Kathie (2): Can I stay here without abandoning myself?
• 9:25
  Kathie (2): Can I stay present without reaching for a pattern just to make the uncertainty disappear?
• 9:31
  Kathie (2): That is courage.
• 9:34
  Kathie (2): And maybe this is why our human patterns get so loud when uncertainty hits.
• 9:39
  Kathie (2): We have control, perfectionism, over-responsibility, people pleasing, criticism, withdrawal, avoidance.
• 9:46
  Kathie (2): Different strategies, same discomfort.
• 9:50
  Kathie (2): I don't know what's going to happen, and every pattern whispers some version of,"Let me fix that for you." I see it like the little devil on your shoulder.
• 10:01
  Kathie (2): "Let me fix that for you." But it can't, because the future has not happened.
• 10:07
  Kathie (2): So maybe the goal isn't to become better at predicting it.
• 10:11
  Kathie (2): Maybe it's becoming better at staying present before it arrives.
• 10:16
  Kathie (2): That is a very different kind of power.
• 10:20
  Kathie (2): And there's another piece of this that I've been noticing.
• 10:24
  Kathie (2): Eventually, reality does give us more information.
• 10:28
  Kathie (2): The phone rings, the person responds, the client decides, something changes, the pitch crosses the plate, and we think,"There.
• 10:35
  Kathie (2): Now I know." But do we?
• 10:40
  Kathie (2): Maybe we know more.
• 10:41
  Kathie (2): That's different.
• 10:42
  Kathie (2): Sometimes the next piece of information is just that.
• 10:45
  Kathie (2): The next piece, not the final answer.
• 10:48
  Kathie (2): Someone says no.
• 10:50
  Kathie (2): Information.
• 10:51
  Kathie (2): Someone pulls away.
• 10:52
  Kathie (2): Information.
• 10:53
  Kathie (2): Something falls apart.
• 10:55
  Kathie (2): Information.
• 10:56
  Kathie (2): Something unexpectedly opens.
• 10:58
  Kathie (2): Information.
• 11:00
  Kathie (2): None of those things require me to immediately write the rest of the story.
• 11:04
  Kathie (2): I can observe, choose, and then pause again, because maybe the pause isn't one moment.
• 11:12
  Kathie (2): Maybe life is uncertainty.
• 11:15
  Kathie (2): Pause, information, choice, uncertainty, pause, more information, another choice.
• 11:22
  Kathie (2): Again and again and again.
• 11:26
  Kathie (2): Maybe we're not supposed to finally escape uncertainty.
• 11:30
  Kathie (2): Maybe we're learning how to move with it.
• 11:33
  Kathie (2): If you wanna explore this idea more deeply, I wrote a companion blog post for this episode, like I always do.
• 11:39
  Kathie (2): I'll link it in the YouTube description and the show notes below.
• 11:43
  Kathie (2): And if you're watching on YouTube, it'll be in the first comment, so it's easy to find.
• 11:48
  Kathie (2): There are additional resources in this companion blog post, too.
• 11:53
  Kathie (2): But I don't wanna finish this episode here, because there's something else I want you to notice.
• 11:59
  Kathie (2): Go back to those four words: can we talk later?
• 12:02
  Kathie (2): Imagine receiving them today.
• 12:04
  Kathie (2): Notice what your mind wants to do.
• 12:06
  Kathie (2): Notice how quickly it wants to fill the blank, and then pause.
• 12:11
  Kathie (2): Don't solve it.
• 12:12
  Kathie (2): Don't tell yourself everything is gonna be okay, because you don't know that either.
• 12:17
  Kathie (2): Don't tell yourself something terrible is coming.
• 12:20
  Kathie (2): You don't know that.
• 12:21
  Kathie (2): Just notice,"I don't know yet." And maybe that's enough, because there's something very interesting that happens when reality finally gives us the information we've been waiting for.
• 12:33
  Kathie (2): We take that one piece of information, and almost immediately we start building another story.
• 12:41
  Kathie (2): And if we're not careful, we call that story reality.
• 12:45
  Kathie (2): It is not.
• 12:47
  Kathie (2): And that's a conversation I think we need to have.
• 12:51
  Kathie (2): We'll get there.
• 12:52
  Kathie (2): Until next time.