Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #708 When You're No Longer Needed

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#708 When You're No Longer Needed · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Family's podcast Richard Marx q pac No kids,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Well you and me go to a rich Marx concert,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: my honey.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: At least I get to do a next year.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: You know how at the start of the podcast, j R.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Always puts the best part of the podcast right there
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: that I think is a big quote. If he doesn't
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  Speaker 1: do it, he didn't think it was as good as
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you and I did. And now here's the stars of
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: our show, my mum and dad. Hello, this is doctor
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families dot com dot you.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: I've been such a good mood today because it's Friday.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: But do you know what I'm really excited about, Kylie?
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: I think I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, Well that's because
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: you heard me quing a few things up and getting
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: ready here on on YouTube. Right. So when you say,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: what what do we? What have I I'm.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Being dragged along to a concert night.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: So we going to a concert tonight. I'm so excited
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: we go to a concert? And how excited are you?
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  Speaker 2: Concerts aren't really my thing? Oh?
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  Speaker 1: Come on, but what about song? Do you remember? Do
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: you remember when we were dating? I'm sure I must
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  Speaker 1: have sung this to you. You remember this song. Remember yeah, So, folks,
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  Speaker 1: we are going to see Richard Marx tonight.
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  Speaker 2: At Q Pak.
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  Speaker 1: Boom. Remember this. It's going to be so great. I
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  Speaker 1: cannot wait. This is what parenting is all about, having
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  Speaker 1: a night off from the kids. So asleep, you are
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  Speaker 1: going to get into trouble.
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  Speaker 2: Tickets in cost you half as much as Billy Joel.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to be hearing great songs like this. Remember,
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  Speaker 1: Richard Marx is amazing, big hair a great stuff. You're
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: my favorite song of all the Richard Marks songs. Though,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: tell me that I have a guess. Can you remember
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: the what do you think would be the best one?
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  Speaker 1: I love right here waiting great stuff? You're not You're
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  Speaker 1: not guessing. You're looking at me like you don't know
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  Speaker 1: any of your songs, so you can't possibly guess about
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  Speaker 1: this one. This one.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sad.
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  Speaker 1: I love this one Hazard and you know what I
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  Speaker 1: love about this song? You just don't know what happened?
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: I know was what's so devastating?
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  Speaker 1: Was a creep? I mean he's he's singing the song
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  Speaker 1: and he sounds like such a nice guy. But was
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  Speaker 1: he a creep? Or is he just a scapegoat? Did
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  Speaker 1: something bad happen. I'm so excited tonight. I'm so palmed.
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  Speaker 1: This is like a I get to relive my mid
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  Speaker 1: to late adolescents, early adolescents. I can't even remember what
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  Speaker 1: years it was. But Richard Marx Q pack no kids,
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  Speaker 1: well you were me, baby, are.
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  Speaker 2: Richard Mark's concept? My honey? At least I get to
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  Speaker 2: do it next year.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: That might be the line of the day. I think
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: that needs to be our A big quote. Like you
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: know how at the start of the podcast, Jr. Always
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: puts the best part of the podcast right there that
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  Speaker 1: I think is he's if he doesn't do it, he
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  Speaker 1: didn't think it was as good as you and I
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: did as well as I did anyway. Hey, so that's
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  Speaker 1: that's enough personal news for now. We've got some more
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  Speaker 1: big news. We're going to talk more about this next week.
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  Speaker 1: But we have a daughter who's about to leave home,
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  Speaker 1: like literally leave home and move as far away just
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  Speaker 1: about it you can.
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  Speaker 2: We've got three more sleeps.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, other side of the world. Do a number two.
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  Speaker 1: She's about to fly the nest.
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  Speaker 2: Well she might be doing a number two, but we've
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  Speaker 2: not had a child do something.
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  Speaker 1: This speak Well, I first thought he got married at
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  Speaker 1: nineteen that was pretty big. But this one, yes, but
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  Speaker 1: she's lived ten minutes away from this one at the
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  Speaker 1: age of twenty, is flying to England for eighteen months.
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  Speaker 1: So we'll talk about it.
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  Speaker 2: Just put this into perspective because I'm really a little
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  Speaker 2: bit nervous.
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  Speaker 1: She's got to get on.
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  Speaker 2: A plane here in Marucci door and fly to Sydney.
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  Speaker 2: But from Sydney she then has to go to the
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  Speaker 2: international airport or by herself and get on a flight
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  Speaker 2: to go to Katar. Yeah, and once she's in Qatar,
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  Speaker 2: she then has to find herself on another airplane to
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  Speaker 2: get all the way to Manchester.
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  Speaker 1: It's so exciting, so exciting.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not sure she's going to even make it. I'm
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  Speaker 2: really nervous.
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  Speaker 1: Well today for Alder, but it's tomorrow. I want to
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  Speaker 1: talk about that daughter and the experiences we've had. And
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  Speaker 1: I had a wake up call, I guess. So I
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: had this eye opening moment on Sunday. So for those
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: of you who have missed the news, our daughter is
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  Speaker 1: going to spend eighteen months as a missionary for our
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: church in the United Kingdom and doing all sorts of
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: missionary work and service work. And I think it's going
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  Speaker 1: to be such a good thing. One of the challenges
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  Speaker 1: that you have as a parent as your kids grow
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  Speaker 1: up is it's really hard to see them as anything
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  Speaker 1: other than your kid, the one who fights with their
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: sisters or brothers and has a big sook when the
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  Speaker 1: dishes need to be done, or mind you, this daughter
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  Speaker 1: is really good with the dishes. But I'm just using
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: these as examples. We see this child as the obstinate one,
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  Speaker 1: or the one who doesn't know how to take anything
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  Speaker 1: seriously or can't possibly take everything. So yeah, I can't
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  Speaker 1: possibly live without our oversight and our guidance, And that's
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  Speaker 1: kind of I mean, she's my little girl, she might
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  Speaker 1: be our second daughter, and she's definitely an adult. She's
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: been working, and over the last couple of years, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: I've found that I have underestimated her with the very
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  Speaker 1: best of intention. Multiple times, I've seen what she's done
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: as she's finished school, got through school really well, and
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  Speaker 1: then done the things that she's done since school, And
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  Speaker 1: now she's doing this, and she's blown me away. Every
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  Speaker 1: time I've paused and taken a good look at Holy smags,
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  Speaker 1: look at this kid. Go on Sunday in our church congregation.
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  Speaker 1: She was asked to stand up and address I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: two hundred and fifty three hundred people for fifteen minutes.
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  Speaker 1: She was asked to give a fifteen minute talk about
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  Speaker 1: her preparations and things that she holds really dear. And
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  Speaker 1: she spent some time on Saturday morning putting some thoughts together,
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  Speaker 1: and I asked her she needed a hand. She said, no,
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  Speaker 1: I've got it, and I was thinking, hang on, I'm
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  Speaker 1: the professional speaker here, like you need my help, but
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  Speaker 1: I didn't push. She said I've got it, and I said, okay, well,
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  Speaker 1: let's just hope that she doesn't crash and burn. She
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  Speaker 1: stood up in front of that congregation and spoke for
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  Speaker 1: fifteen sixteen minutes and was extraordinary. And I'm not saying
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  Speaker 1: that as a completely subjective, emotionally involved father. I'm pretty impartial,
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  Speaker 1: pretty disinclined to give praise to people who give talks,
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  Speaker 1: because it's really rare to find somebody who will give
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  Speaker 1: a great talk. She did such a great job that
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  Speaker 1: when she finished, I thought to myself, I think she
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  Speaker 1: just gave the perfect talk, Like there is literally nothing
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  Speaker 1: that I want to say to her about what she
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  Speaker 1: could have done better. She just did such a great job.
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  Speaker 1: And I told her that, I just said, I'm not
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  Speaker 1: into praise. I'm not into making you feel good just
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  Speaker 1: because i'm your dad and i'm supposed to you know that,
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  Speaker 1: I'll tell you if I liked it and if I
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  Speaker 1: didn't like it. And I just said, I can't think
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  Speaker 1: of anything you could have done better. That was absolutely brilliant.
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  Speaker 1: And again I just sat there, Kylie, and I thought,
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  Speaker 1: so often we think to ourselves about our kids. Are
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  Speaker 1: they not ready or I haven't prepared them well enough,
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  Speaker 1: or this or that or oh my goodness, I hope
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  Speaker 1: they're not going to go out there and make a
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  Speaker 1: full of themselves or are full of me, or any
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  Speaker 1: of those things. And I am concerned that she can't cook.
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  Speaker 1: I am concerned that she's not going to do the
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  Speaker 1: washing the right way or all of those adult things
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  Speaker 1: that you just But she can learn those once she's
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  Speaker 1: out there, once she's living life.
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  Speaker 2: There's nothing like real life experience. Yeah, yeah, to teach
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  Speaker 2: us the things that we need to learn at the
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  Speaker 2: right time.
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  Speaker 1: I was just so blown away. I was so blown
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  Speaker 1: away by this kid and for all of the ups
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  Speaker 1: and downs of parenting and all the times where I think,
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  Speaker 1: oh my goodness, I might be a parenting expert. I'm done.
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  Speaker 1: This is so hard. I'm sick of the kids. I
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  Speaker 1: want to have some time away. This was just outstanding,
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  Speaker 1: And that's my old do Better tomorrow. Just I guess
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  Speaker 1: we have to keep on doing what we're doing because
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  Speaker 1: it's working out, okay. We just don't see it when
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  Speaker 1: we're in the moment, when we see the kids in
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  Speaker 1: a different context, when they're not being our kids, when
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  Speaker 1: they're being people in society, when they're at a friend's house,
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  Speaker 1: or when they're at school, when they're down at the
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  Speaker 1: park or whatever it is. That's when we get to
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  Speaker 1: see who they really are. Not when they're in the
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  Speaker 1: living room and they're squabbling with their sister about who
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  Speaker 1: ate somebody's last piece of chocolate. That's not what really
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  Speaker 1: shows who they are. It's the stuff they're doing out there.
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  Speaker 1: And I just feel so grateful. What's your old do
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  Speaker 1: better tomorrow? As we get all set for our concert tonight.
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  Speaker 2: Well, in contrast to that, I've had a pretty tough week.
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  Speaker 2: I've been physically unwell for much of the week, and.
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  Speaker 1: You're coming off the back of me having a couple
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  Speaker 1: of lousy weeks. Do you know how I got over
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  Speaker 1: my lousy couple of weeks? Two things. First of all,
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  Speaker 1: you treated me like there was nothing wrong. That made
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  Speaker 1: a huge difference. And secondly, after two weeks of languishing
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  Speaker 1: and just thinking, heck, I'm a well being expert, I'm
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: a parenting expert. I'm supposed to how this works. I
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  Speaker 1: just decided that I was going to pretend that everything
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  Speaker 1: was fine, and by pretending actually suddenly got better.
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  Speaker 2: So fake it till you make it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, kind of yeah, faked. That's not clinical psychological advice.
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  Speaker 1: There's a lot more work that needs to be done
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: for people who are dealing with depression, anxiety and so on,
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  Speaker 1: But sometimes that's actually all you need. Just fake it
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  Speaker 1: till you make it. I bounced back like I came
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  Speaker 1: good in in phenomenal ways because I faked it till
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  Speaker 1: I made it. Even in relation to a couple of
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: bigger issues and a couple of big relationships, I just
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: pretended they were fine, and they actually became fine. Like
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  Speaker 1: they're not perfect, they're still stuff, but they're fine. Anyway,
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  Speaker 1: I cut you off. So you've had a tough, tough week,
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  Speaker 1: and you've been sick for a few days, which makes
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: it worse.
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  Speaker 2: And so the mood kind of for me has shifted,
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  Speaker 2: and I was feeling quite low, and then the lead
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: up to Sunday was feeling pretty depleted emotionally and physically,
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  Speaker 2: and I ended up calling my dad and asking him
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  Speaker 2: to pop over and just spend some time with me.
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  Speaker 1: And when you say you called your dad and us
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  Speaker 1: him to pop over, he lives an hour and forty
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  Speaker 1: minutes away with your mum. I like, they lived together,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: but your mum wasn't well enough to come. So your
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: dad just jumped in the car and said, sure, I'll
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: come and spend an hour and forty minutes with you.
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  Speaker 1: He did, well, I'll drive for an hour and forty
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: minutes so that I can spend some time with you.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: And so, because of the timing of his day, we
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: actually attended church together and you know, relished in the
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: opportunity to see our daughter just blossom, really blossom. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: it was. It was interesting because their oldest sister actually
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: looked at me that afternoon and she said, did I
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  Speaker 2: actually just literally witness Abby grow up today? She was
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: personally blown away at who was standing in front of her,
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: and the things that she shared and just the confidence
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: that her challenges have actually given her. Yeah, and it
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: was really beautiful to witness. So coming off the back
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: of that and still feeling quite low and just really
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: needing to be with my dad, I sat with him
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: for a little bit of time and kind of offloaded
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: would be the best words.
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  Speaker 1: Just had a big cry and this is what has
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: been like being married justin.
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  Speaker 2: But I just I pose the question is it really
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  Speaker 2: worth it? Like I feel like I have given the
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: very best of everything I am and everything I'm capable
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: of doing and being, and yet the kids still fight
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: like crazy, and the bickering is just intense, and their
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: unwillingness to help when I need it, and the list
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: is just a mile long. And I just had got
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: to the point where I kind of felt, you know what,
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: I actually don't want to carry this anymore. It just
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: feels too heavy. And the interesting thing is, over the years,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: as I've spent many hours with my dad is it's
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: not usually anything he says. It's just that I feel
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: enveloped in love in those moments. And as I watched
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: him start to process, I recognize that there was actually
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: two things going on for him in that moment. He
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: was trying to process my pain while he actually relived
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: his own as a parent. To be a parent means
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: that you pretty much wear your heart on the outside
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: all the time, and it has the potential to break
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: a million times over so many different ways and for
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: so many different reasons. But to just know that, well,
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: my dad couldn't fix it, he could love me and
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: he could understand and he could sit with me in
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: that space was such a gift. And so I guess
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: the take home for me is remembering that my relationship
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: with my dad has never been perfect. It has been
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: fraught with challenge, and there have been dean fights over
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: the years, and you know, disharmony and discord and real
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: honest challenge. But when the going gets tough, he's my
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: safe harbor. He's the place that I want to go
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: because I know that the turbulenceeeds can't reach me in
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: that space. And if he can do that for me
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: in spite of all of my weakness with my own children,
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: hopefully I can be that person for them. Now. They
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: think they're big kids and they're capable of doing life
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: on their own and that's what they're supposed to be doing.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: But there will come a time where the seas will
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: get too much. And if they only know that, well
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: I can't fix it, that they can come home to
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: a place of love, then I think I've succeeded as
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: a parent.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: That's my takeover, Kylie. I really love that that story
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: and I'm grateful they shared it. It also reminds me
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: of all the times where I get it wrong, where
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: I'm not the cool dad, where I'm not the patient dad,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: where I'm anything but, and it's a great reminder for
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: how we can be better. The Happy Families podcast is
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: our executive producer. Hey, we really hope that you have
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: a great weekend. We are definitely going to have a
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: great weekend because Richard Marx this tonight. I can't wait
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: for that and I'm hoping that tomorrow we're not going
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: to be so tired that we can't be great parents
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: for the weekend. Have a great weekend, everyone. Thanks so
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: much for listening to The Happy Family's podcast. If you
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: would like more information about how to make your family happier,
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: you can find it all at happy families dot com
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: dot a you