Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Recreating The Spark | How to Fix It and Recreate the Spark | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep447

Transcript

Recreating The Spark | How to Fix It and Recreate the Spark | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep447 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Recreating the spark, dirty text, dick pics, and boiling over.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Stop using boundaries, guys.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: You have an apology problem.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: You are holding yourself back.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: What you can do or what to do when you're not having sex.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: You've never seen us in action?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: There is always something that you need to do better.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Recreating the spark, welcome to the Moral Martyrs podcast, guys.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And this is one of my most favorite topics because it comes up all the time.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now, why this came up a lot recently is one of my new songs, babe, Roommates, instant success.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that uh a lot of people, thank you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of people they think about themselves as somebody who's coasting, uh, settling.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, in fact, that's what Catherine, that's what you said to me, baby.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: You said, I'm not in love, I'm not attracted, I'm settling.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I had an interesting talk with Dennis following a lot of these DMs and stuff that were coming in.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Dennis and I were just in Vegas on a conference.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And um, man.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Dennis is the president of the company.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, sorry, thank you.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: And um, we talked about people always talking about coasting, always talking about settling.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: We were talking about a lot of things, and as we were talking, we were remembering some of the things we talked about like days before, and things one of them was this roommate thing, and people wanted to recreate the spark.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it brought this.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to talk about this with you, baby, because you even said, I'm just settling.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Now I get settling, but I think that stems from coasting.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: And the when the way our conversation went, we were like, why don't you just say fucking quit then?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because you get all these people that also say, I tried everything.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we talk about this a lot.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's impossible to try everything.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: And matter of fact, as you grow, you're like, ooh, what else is there to learn?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually exciting.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you you grow to have more patience with your partner.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: We talked about that in an episode recently when uh when we talked about outgrowing your partner.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would like to just put that out there.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: What are your thoughts on this?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think anybody coasts in a relationship.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you're fucking roommates, you are like uh in the one of the lines of the songs is a man is either confined or uh sorry, defined or confined by who he is, which then the marriage is then defined by that.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: So if a man is, I'm just gonna use a man, this could be a woman too, but if a man is just coasting, hasn't he actually just quit?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't he just doing fuck all?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, he's this in the in the instance of men who think they provide all the time.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna talk about that in an episode coming up.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, what are your thoughts about?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think I feel like there's a lot to unpack there.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: She said a couple things.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: She said people are not coasting.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they quit.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're if you're just in a roommate phase and you're trying to recreate the spark and you're not interested in like the actual foundation of the thing.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you're coasting, you're not trying to recreate the spark.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's the point you're trying to make.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, no, no, no.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're giving up, you're you're just coasting through life.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So that means when you're coasting, think about what that actually means physically.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Coasting, you're sliding.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's no energy that needs to be put in when you're coasting.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Think about think about um when you go, like if you have snow where you live.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say in a boat.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, if in a boat or down a s uh like in a toboggan, I don't know what you call them.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have them in Texas, so sleds.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like a sled, you're coasting.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: You just you get in it and it does the work.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: You literally have to do nothing.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're just moving.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're coasting, that means that you're not trying to recreate this bar.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to improve your communication.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: You've given up.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're coasting, you've settled.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: You are defeated, you're discouraged, and you don't believe that there's anything more to be done.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I was.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: On your side, essentially you're blaming the other person, right?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And let's you've given up, you just think there's no hope.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's right.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so you stay, and so because you say you stay, you say you're there, which you can be there but not be present.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: We all know that.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: We talk about this a lot, also.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I mean not anymore.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Not anymore, no.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: But so here very present.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: So here's the thing.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think that we need to stop saying a long time ago, we talked about something you brought this up, honey.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, why don't you just say you don't want to?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's what that's a big one for me.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: When when someone doesn't do something and makes an excuse, I can't.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just if just say you don't want to.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's and that there's validity there.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So when I when I coach women, they they have to have one reason to want to move forward.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You have to have one.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, then that's fine, but then why are you on the phone with me?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know that I'm gonna tell you that there are steps that you need to take.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want to, nobody's gonna blame you.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to get a divorce, nobody's gonna blame you.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Your marriage sucks.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: However, there's gotta be something in you that makes you want to move forward.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: That means you do want to.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: In some way.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't, just say you don't.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and I think that you you flip-flop.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think that when it's hard, and you know, I always like to say, you know, figuring out how to get this marriage to move forward, that's hard.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, uh separating, divorce, that's hard.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Choose your hard, right?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: And the problem is though, we mask it with things like, well, I am going to counseling.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay, whatever, right?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I am reflecting, okay, I am learning, but then you don't implement all these different little things.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so recreating the sparking.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: To prove to yourself that you're doing what you're supposed to be doing.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I think recreating the spark, it is.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Recreating the spark does the exact same thing with you.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, well, I'm just trying to get it back to where it used to be, would be another phrase that you would tie that to, right?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to be the man I was when I showed up or when I met her.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody gives a fuck about that man.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: That man didn't have skills.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's why you're exactly where you are in this moment, which is why you say start to say you coast, which is why you probably should say I don't want to, which is, you see, the the reality is this none of this means it's over.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: What it means is you can start with the truth.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't have the truth, then then you have nothing, right?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we're gonna talk about uh shame, guilt, and embarrassment in a later episode that we're gonna film today.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And like what you have to understand is unless you have the foundation of you and your truth, your integrity, okay, which means by the way, integrity is like being the same everywhere, okay?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: And people think it's always just about the truth.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's not.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's about being the same everywhere.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: You guys going to work and saying I work hard.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: No, you're probably coasting there too, because you can't possibly function when we know that you're thinking about all this bullshit's going on at home and then constantly blaming your partner.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: So the reason why you can never recreate the spark, let alone move your marriage forward, okay, is because you take these steps forward until you take a step back.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And the giant fallback is where you're supposed to learn and move it forward.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: And as long as you decide to coast riding the wave, the current, whatever momentum, if you're lucky, you have a partner that's with us and trying to move you, okay?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you are the one trying to move them, you're gonna have to pick up a lot of the current because they're not gonna do anything about it.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And you get you can't get frustrated with that.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: You can't.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: If you're the one in, you're the one in.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta get real.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: If you want better for your life, it has nothing to do with your partner.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's like when you're having a shitty time at work and you feel like somebody else got the promotion that you should you deserved, and so you start to coast a little bit.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: That that's the exact same thing.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're responsible for every position in your life and where you're at.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And as long as you want to float, you're not going to get anywhere in life.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: You are as rich as you are because of your choices.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: You are as healthy or unhealthy as you are because of your choices.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: You are as in love and passionate with each other because of your choices, and you're also as miserable as you are because of your choices.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: There really is no other way to look at this.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're listening to this podcast, you're gonna have to start getting really, really real.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: If you just quit, at least they know what they're working with.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's the problem.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: If your partner told you the truth, what would you do?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Ask yourself, what would you do?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Fine, is it over?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: I know a lot of the guys that I work with, that's exactly what happens.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I don't want to be with you anymore.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna, I'm getting divorced.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's never gonna work.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm never gonna trust you again, whatever.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, Yeah, you're right, okay, let's end this thing.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then I gotta fucking work harder when he gets out of the house and shit.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you guys gotta understand, in your emotions, you make stupid decisions.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the decisions that ruin you and put you exactly where you are today.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to think about that.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's homework for you now.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Think about exactly that.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: What were the choices in your emotions that led you to where you are today with your wife, your husband, with your children, who don't want to talk to you, who rebel?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just a teenage thing, it's a connection thing, you guys, with your work, with your weight, whatever it is.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to think about it.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: What emotional decisions did you make?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, no, I'm just having a bad day, so I'm gonna have ice cream today.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Emotional decision puts you where you are today.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Even if your partner says, I want to be done.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: There is no recreating the spark.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's over.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Anything else, baby?
• 8:20
  unknown: No.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: All right, guys.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: See you next time.