Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Stop Performing and Start Parenting [with Christian O'Connell]

Transcript

Stop Performing and Start Parenting [with Christian O'Connell] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Today.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: This is the Happy Families Podcast. Christian O'Connell. You might
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: have heard of him, one of the nation's most popular
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: and loved radio broadcasters. He has the Christian O'Connell Show
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: on Gold FM in Melbourne and Sydney, and he's on
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: digital radio around Australia. Wrote a book a couple of
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: years ago called No One Listens to Your Dad's Show,
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: and he's going to brand new book out it's called Unscript.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Today he's on the Happy Families podcast talking about stories
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: we tell ourselves, stories we can tell our kids, and
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: how we need to drop the script and be our
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: authentic selves. This is a guy who is a performer
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: telling us that success comes from not performing in life,
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: but being who we really are. It's a fascinating conversation
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: based on a really smart book that next stay with us. Hello,
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. I'm so excited about
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: today's conversation. Before I let you in on it, a
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: couple of things first. This is Ausraa's most downloaded parenting podcast.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: It's The Happy Family's Podcast. I'm Doctor Justin Calson today,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: Real parenting solutions for real parenting situations. That's the end.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: Of the script.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: This interview that I'm about to do with Christian O'Connell,
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: one of Australia's best loved and most popular radio presenters
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: and the author of a book called Unscript. We did
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: this about a week ago and I don't know what happened,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: but it was a technical glitch and I only recorded
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: my voice, not Christians. And I want to have this
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: conversation with Christian, but not the same conversation that I
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: had a week ago, because that would be boring, Like
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: can you imagine catching up with a friend and literally
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: having the same conversation today that you had yesterday? Why
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: would you do that? So I've thrown the script out,
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: put a new script ish thing together and I can't
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: wait to see where it goes. Christian, We're in for
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: a treat. Let's fire it up. Thanks for being here
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: for the second time to have an old new conversation
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: about your book Unscript.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Well, no, I enjoyed the chat.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: Thank you again.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: I love you work, I love what you do. I'm
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: a girl dad myself. I've got two daughters who are
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: now nineteen and twenty two, and so if I can
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: add any value to your audience with this chat, I
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: really hope I do.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: And you are very gracious by saying everybody in radio
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: has had that moment where you've done a recording with
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: a guest and then you've lost the interview. So that
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: was very kind of you. All right, So, last time
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: we spoke, I just wanted to tell stories because that's
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: what you do so well in your book, and we
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: are going to do that a bit today, but not
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: quite as much because I have some more questions for
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: you since we had that conversation. I do want to start, though,
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: with a question that I did open our discussion with
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: last time, because it's just so perfectly parenting and everyone's
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: going to relate to this one. You share a parenting
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: story in the book about your two daughters. You've just
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: become an empty nester. My favorite story in the book
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: was this one. You've got a lounge chair, a couch,
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: whatever you want to call it, and you've got a
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Calipo ice block wrapper. And I'm not going to say
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: anything else. I just want you to fill in the blanks.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Any journey becoming a parent, right demands one big thing,
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: because suddenly you just open up to this kind of
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: deeper reservoir. This infinite pool of love that you didn't
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: know existed in life. What a strange job that you
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: kind of sign up for where you love them, love them,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: love them. But underneath all of that is that one day,
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: if you do it well, they walk out the door.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: You know, it's a.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Strange job that you sign up for. It's actually it
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: has your own built in obsolescence.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: You've now got two kids out of home. You're literally
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: an empty nest. So what was it like when your
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: first child flew the coop? When your first child left
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: the nest? Did you sit there and breathe that and go.
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: Oh, thank goodness? Oh no, tell me about that.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: No, I've been mourning that two years beforehand. My wife
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: kept saying, why are getting so upset?
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: Now?
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  Speaker 1: She's not going twelve. She's like, why are you rehearsing it?
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: I don't know, just this kind of person I am,
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  Speaker 1: And so the kids and family still laugh about it.
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  Speaker 1: I was openly weeping during TV shows advert about a
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: year or two before she left, so i'd kind of
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: I was slightly all cried out, and then suddenly it
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: was my wife that really suddenly felt this enormous What
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: do you feel? It's a type of grief. That's the word, yes, grief.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: So yeah, one of the stories in the book, because
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: you know the book. The book is about how to
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: have better conversations with greater ease and more impact, and
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: also had to tell better stories. And the thing is,
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: you know when they study brain waves, when you're sharing
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: this information or data with somebody, it doesn't literally light
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: up someone's brain in the same way. But when we
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: tell story, that's how we connect. We are story machines,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: and so storytelling is the best way to communicate with somebody.
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  Speaker 1: So this story is about how last year, because suddenly
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: we were empty nest, suddenly the couch, it was a
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: four seater sofa had to go. We were downsizing, moving home,
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: and so there was no room for this big family
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: couch because mainly it was just gonna be my wife
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: and I and so we needed to get rid of
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: the couch. That couch, it literally had it had a
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: groove for you know memory foam pillows do for your head.
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  Speaker 1: It had grooves for where we'd all sat. We always
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: sat in the same places. And when we moved to
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: was twenty eight years ago, this sofa, this family sofa,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: came with us and so it's been through a lot.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: I laughed a lot of tears. I caught it the
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: counchs of a thousand stories, because there really were. And
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: so I remember when Ruby, my oldest daughter, first left home,
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: and I was struggling. At times, I would sit on
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: the couch and sudden it would just be empty. It's
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: this big couch, and you were you were reminded of absence.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: And I remember that I suddenly down the side where
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: she would always sit. I suddenly found I reached and
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: I found I was looking for remote control and I
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: found a calipo rapper. At first, I was like, bloody oll.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: She always used to do this. I've told her so
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: many times, don't shove them down the side of the couch.
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: Put it in the bin.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: It's only a couple of steps away. But actually I
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: didn't pick it up and put it in the bin.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I tucked it back down. Next, I thought, oh, if
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to be reminded of her, I can
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: just reach down here and I can.
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: Fill the calipo rapper.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: And it made me smile and be reminded of first
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: I tucked it back down there.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: Probably sticky as well, right, yeah, yeah, disgusting love.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: It, and so when we came to getting rid of it,
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to set it. I actually gave it
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: around the radio show. I just wanted a young family
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: to have it so they can make their own one
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: thousand stories. So I give it away for those family.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: They just happened to have two young daughters, so it
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: felt right to give it to a new family. Make
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: your own dents on it and have your own stories
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: on it. But I remember, literally about an hour before
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: they were coming to pick it up, I thought I
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: better tied it up, and so I reached down for
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: that clipper rapper, and I remember, I'm going to have
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: to I'm going to have to actually let go. This
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: is the final kind of letting go. Both the daughters
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: now walked out the door, but I remember, justin putting
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: that bloody clipper rapper in the bin, I remember thinking,
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: a bit of my heart has gone into this bin.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Now it was the final letting go. That little clipper
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: rapper just had so much meaning to it, and so yeah,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: even now I can feel the emotion in that story.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: And then I remember closing it awful last time on
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: our family home, and it was just echoey. Yeah, it
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: was echoe you know. And it was suddenly a museum.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I was looking into a museum of what was I
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: think there's alone in a poem middle aged men closed
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: doors softly to rooms they can never go back to.
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: Isn't that killer line? Wow? Hey, Christian?
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: After the break, I want to hit you up with
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: a lightning round and then and I've got I think
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: I've got some really fun lightning round questions. But then
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: I want to tap into your panic attacks, your anxiety
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: you move across the world, and how it affected your family.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: There's so many things that we can play with here.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Stay with us. That's next. We're back into the Happy
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Famili's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every single day. Christian O'Connell
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: one of the nation's best known, best loved radio presenters
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: from Gold FM in Melbourne and Sydney and digital radio
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: around the nation. Let's do a lightning round. These are
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: the shortest possible answers with as much fun as we
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: can manage. You have not heard any of these questions?
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Question number one, what's the song that you have to
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: turn up and sing to even though you've got to
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: plan your next talk break?
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: Every time?
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: It comes on in the studio.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: Did you say planned my next talk break? You've obviously
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: not been anywhere near me.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: You're not unscripted.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: You're fully unscripted.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Now the book's called unscript That is how the show.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: It terrifies my producing team sometimes, but the song will
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: always be born to run.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: Bruce Springsteen, what's the.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: Worst thing that a caller has ever said to you
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: live on air?
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Ah, I can tell you that, actually, and whether I
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: learned a very powerful lesson. It was the morning after
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Brexit had been announced in the UK, and I don't
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: get political on the show. It divides people, and in
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: the morning I want to bring people together. But I'm
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: back in the UK two and a half million listeners
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: on this show, and I said something up Brexit. I
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: didn't like the result and I should have kept my
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: mouth shut. And a caller we were talking about it.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: The caller said they were in a good mood because
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: you know, Brexit had come through, and I was devastated,
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: like a lot of people. And then the caller just said,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: I'm never listening to you ever again. I've been listening
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: to you for years. I'm not listening to you ever again.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I remember just feeling a tremendous amount of sadness, and
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: I was annoyed that I'd even talked about it.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: We so badly want to have good quality relationships and
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: when there's a division, when there's a rupture, it just
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: hurts to our very core, doesn't it.
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: Christian?
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: What's the most British thing you still do? Even though
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: you've been in the country now for almost a decade.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Where do I begin? Well, I'm in Australia now as well.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: I'm very proud Australian, got my passport. Our whole family are.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: We love being Australians. But you're gonna laugh, but teas
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: tea is a really big part of my life. So
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: for this English guy, the tea still keeps me connected
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: to the motherland.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Very British. Last lightning round question And now the kids
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: moved out. You can admit this, but when the kids
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: were at home, what was a rule that you've had
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: in the house that you broke more than the kids
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: broke your bedroom?
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Especially as they became teenagers, they realized, you know, like
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: all kids do when you become a teenager, that your
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: parents are hypocrites.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: My twelve year old right now, I'm having this daily
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: argument about making the bed's like, but Dad, I'm just
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: going to get back into it and mess it up tonight.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: Why need I like? Oh?
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: All right, a couple of serious questions we need to
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: wrap up. The book is called unscript It's about being
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: your authentic self. I've read this one and I also
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: read your last book, and nobody listens to your dad's
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: radio show. In both books, you've talked about your performative
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: Christian O'Connell persona, that is, when you're on the radio,
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: you have to perform a bit right. But you've also
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: described your anxiety and panic attacks and some really significant
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: challenges that you've had from a mental health point of view.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: What I'm interested in is when did you first realize
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: that your children could tell the difference between Radio Christian
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: and Dad Christian.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: I think is when they were teenagers. You know, when
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: your kids become teenagers, they were the sort of they change.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: You know, obviously our physical hormonal changes. I'm a girl, dad,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: but also I think they see you as parents. They
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: see your flaws a lot more clearly, and at first
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: you don't want them to see that. You still want
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: to be a golden God. But that's not healthy. They
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: need to see you as humans and that you have
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: that you're going to make mistakes.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: Maybe just briefly summarize what do we do if we
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: want to unscript and be a bit more authentic, not
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: be performing the role, but actually be present in the role,
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: being what we need to be in that moment.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: So I've been in Breakfast Radio for twenty eight years,
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: twenty New UK then eight years here. So for a
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: lot of my career I thought that the great shows
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: were about preparation and performance. And now when I moved
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: to Australia and I had to start again from scratch
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: really and it was incredibly hard at first, but I
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: realized that they weren't. Actually what it's about is presence,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: and when we're fully present in the right here and now,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: you're more fully resourced to all your natural creativity, wonder, curiosity.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: When we're fully present, the great show is when they happen.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Now are about presents, the same with me and the team,
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: They're always about that and the same as a dad
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: as well, the more present I am, the better resourced
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: I am as a dad. I'm not in the script,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not in knowing. These days, we really want to
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: know the right answer, know the right thing to say.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: As a parent, that gets in the way. My job
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: really is to obviously make my kids feel safe, love
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: them unconditionally, But really, I hope I'm constantly trying to
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: get them to listen to themselves. This is a book
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: about speaking and storytelling, but it is also really a
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: book about how to listen to yourself. And that's what
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: I want my daughters to do, is to really become
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: masters of listening to themselves. My number one thing I
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: would advise to everyone listening to this is the number
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: one job as a parent is also to keep them talking.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Always be aware that there is a door closing suddenly
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: and you've started to close it down or they're closing
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: it down because you're not really hearing them. Even if
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: you've got to say a no to them, there's still
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: a better way to say that no and to keep
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: that door open. The job is to keep them talking,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: even if they go I do want to talk about it.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I made a mistake last time. I want a second chance.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: What am I not understanding? What am I not hearing?
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: And then we'd have a much deeper conversation, much deeper.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: This conversation has been very different to the one we
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: had last week, and I've appreciated it. I've thrown out
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: the script. It's been completely unscripted, and today's been great
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: and oh my goodness, like the stories that you have
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: to tell, the stories that are in the book that
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: we haven't touched on today that I wish we had
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: time for.
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: You.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: Got to grab the book Guys Unscript by Christian O'Connell.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: It's in bookstores next week. You can jump online and
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: pre order it now. Pre Orders are good. Pre orders
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: help authors know that somebody's actually going to buy the book.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: I recommend it. I enjoyed it. I even blow up
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: the front of it because I liked it so much. Christian,
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: It's always a treat to talk to you, and I
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: can't wait till we can do it again.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: Thank you very much, and you're coming on the radio
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: show very soon. I'm looking forward to that and speaking
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: to you again.
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: I love you work. Thank you for showing up the
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: way you do. Great to be with you.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides additional support the link to the
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: book in the show notes for Christian O'Connell's unscript and
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: for more to make your family happier, Happy families dot com,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: dot a