Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Whole Brain Child #1 Intro | Ep. 81

Transcript

Whole Brain Child #1 Intro | Ep. 81 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Once in a while you come across something that actually really can help change and impact your life.
• 0:13
  Emotional health will do that.
• 0:16
  Can't tell you how excited I am about the series Well book discussion that we're starting through the New York Times Bestseller Whole Brain Child.
• 0:29
  This is not about how to make your children smarter or.
• 0:33
  How to get more scholarships in college or to fix your family.
• 0:39
  This is a very approachable, practical book by amazing experts about rowing and emotional health and relationships within your family, for your child, and for you as the parent.
• 0:54
  I'm your host, Sher Lang, and this is The Parenting Podcast.
• 0:58
  So glad you could join us.
• 1:00
  I don't think you're gonna wanna miss the discussion.
• 1:12
  Cheryl: I'm so excited because we are doing something new Yeah.
• 1:15
  Cheryl: That we've never done at TPP before.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: And we're sort of going to do a book club or a book read.
• 1:23
  Cheryl: What are, what are we gonna call it?
• 1:24
  Cheryl: Like a summer book club?
• 1:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: So we came across a book, in fact,, maybe a month or so ago.
• 1:33
  Cheryl: Someone in psychology said, do you know, have you ever heard of the whole brain child?
• 1:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:39
  Cheryl: I think you would really like it.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: So I started looking into it and that's what we're gonna do.
• 1:45
  Cheryl: The whole brain child by doctors.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: I think one's a PhD, one's an md
• 1:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:54
  Cheryl: and uh, before I even approached you all about it, I talked and three of my friends who are therapists all said, great book.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: It's good stuff.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: Use it.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: And yeah.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: Have y'all enjoyed reading it?
• 2:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:08
  Christie: It's been really good.
• 2:09
  Christie: Yeah, I mean we have a mutual friend that recommended it and then I was sitting at the coffee shop reading it the other day.
• 2:14
  Christie: I had it on the table and somebody walked by and they're like, oh, I just finished that.
• 2:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: Well,
• 2:18
  Elllen: it is a New York bestseller, right?
• 2:20
  Elllen: So, you know, So obviously it's been out there and since my kids are all.
• 2:25
  Elllen: Adults now, That's why I had not heard of it for, you know, when I was younger.
• 2:30
  Elllen: Yeah.
• 2:30
  Elllen: you know, I, I'm not kind of in that same circle mm-hmm.
• 2:33
  Elllen: With mm-hmm.
• 2:33
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 2:33
  Elllen: You know, people telling me about certain books, but I love this book.
• 2:38
  Elllen: I wish I would've had it when, oh, you know, when I was, you know, learning to parent.
• 2:43
  Elllen: Yeah.
• 2:43
  Elllen: but even now, um, With 17 grandkids, it still works.
• 2:48
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 2:48
  Elllen: but it's just such a, a really, really good book.
• 2:51
  Elllen: I wish I had known about it earlier.
• 2:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:53
  Christie: Well and I mean, I kind of have been on hiatus from parenting books cuz at some point Yes.
• 2:58
  Christie: As your kids get older you start kind of feeling like, well that just tells me all the things I wish I would've done differently.
• 3:03
  Christie: You mean the guilt trip books?
• 3:05
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:06
  Christie: But this has been so good.
• 3:07
  Christie: I mean, even just to apply to my myself.
• 3:09
  Christie: Self.
• 3:10
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:10
  Christie: And then see things in my own life that, in my own emotional health that can use some improvement well
• 3:16
  Cheryl: see.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: You just introduced, for those of you don't know it, they're going, what is this book That you're talking about.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: It's about parenting with emotional health.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: It's about thriving with emotional health.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: Yeah yeah.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: And uh, it came out, I think in 2012, and when I heard about it, it talks about nurturing your child's mind.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: I thought it was about intellectual development.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: And, and how to get smarter kids because.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: Ellen, all the teaching that there was about our children's minds were developing their iq right?
• 3:50
  Cheryl: And how to make'em smarter and how to make them think better and succeed academically and intellectually.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:57
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:57
  Cheryl: And so that's what I thought this was, But I'm thrilled.
• 4:00
  Cheryl: It's about a whole new way of seeing our brain with emotional health.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: in parenting Yes.
• 4:07
  Christie: Well, and I was a little intimidated.
• 4:09
  Christie: I, I like some kind of, you know, sometimes like sciencey things like this.
• 4:13
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 4:13
  Christie: But it felt, when I was hearing people talk about, it felt very intimidating, too academic.
• 4:18
  Christie: I didn't have, The brain margin to really explore the brain.
• 4:22
  Christie: And, um, but he's great.
• 4:23
  Christie: And is that the way the book is?
• 4:25
  Christie: No, he's great at making it very applicable, relatable, written to a, you know, a normal person.
• 4:32
  Christie: Just a regular mindset.
• 4:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:33
  Christie: It's a easy style to just read.
• 4:35
  Christie: Yes, sure is.
• 4:36
  Christie: And it's written for parents, not for doctors.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: So yes, that's what I'd like.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: And so we're gonna tell you all the things we like about it as we work our way through it.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: Um, I remember.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: Early two thousands, maybe oh 5, 0 6, somewhere in there.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: And because I was working with parents you know, we used to have this thing called blogs.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: I don't know if anybody even is allowed to write.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: I think people blogs though, do they still blog?
• 5:02
  Cheryl: They vlog.
• 5:03
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's true.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: It's vlogs now.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: But it was just several paragraphs and somewhere it came across.
• 5:09
  Cheryl: And it's a name I know very well now, but I'd never heard of.
• 5:12
  Cheryl: Dr.
• 5:13
  Cheryl: John Gottman.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: his first line said, EQ in your children will always dominate iq.
• 5:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:21
  Cheryl: And I said, what So emotional quotient talking about healthy emotional development mm-hmm.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: Is always superior to iq.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: in your children thriving Wow And then had a couple paragraphs and I was hooked.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: I thought this is fantastic.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: It's the only thing I could find.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: And so we'll talk about our history with it.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: There just wasn't anything out there.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: And there's so much now.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: I'm thrilled with what we have and like Ellen said, oh boy, oh boy, how I wish this had been written in.
• 5:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:55
  Cheryl: Huh.
• 5:56
  Cheryl: 40, 50 years ago.
• 5:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:58
  Cheryl: To have had that's available for all of us.
• 6:01
  Cheryl: Well, we had
• 6:01
  Elllen: Obey and Disobey.
• 6:04
  Elllen: That was a philosophy or,
• 6:06
  Cheryl: or So we're talking about our history.
• 6:08
  Cheryl: I will say the way it was taught is emotions were untrustworthy.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: Because you can see'em, people fly off the handle they get either one way or the other, something over the top with their emotions and they can't handle life.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:24
  Cheryl: So the image of the way.
• 6:27
  Cheryl: It was taught to me and all the input I had, it was supposed to be, the good stuff is you can't rely on emotions.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: So if you think of like a, a train and you have the, engine, which runs the whole thing and it's the direction and that's what you rely on.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: And then you have the different cars.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: And so that engine was fact thought, information, truth, logic, and then one of the, Unfortunate couplings was with a car that had emotions in them.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: It was usually way at the back yes, and, and the problem is you can't trust your emotions.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: You can't rely on'em.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: But when these ugly things your emotions.
• 7:08
  Cheryl: happen mm-hmm.
• 7:09
  Cheryl: One way or the other, you look back to the engine because it's controlled by the thought, the logic.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: You take those thoughts captive and you submit that emotion, you submit it to Thought, truth, fact.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: And you, but don't deal with the emotion.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:25
  Cheryl: So that's where we were.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: There wasn't anything else.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: And that's what I love this book and the opportunity, we're gonna have to talk here, on the podcast is.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: No, we don't have to ignore emotions or let them run our lives.
• 7:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:40
  Cheryl: Well,
• 7:40
  Elllen: emotions were always presented like they were this bothersome thing Yeah.
• 7:45
  Elllen: That we had to deal with.
• 7:46
  Elllen: Yeah.
• 7:47
  Elllen: And everybody had to get control of your emotions.
• 7:49
  Elllen: If you don't have control of your emotions, there's something wrong with you.
• 7:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:53
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:53
  Christie: Well, and I think there's the other extreme of, of completely giving into your emotions.
• 7:58
  Christie: Yes.
• 7:58
  Christie: And, and not having any kind of, Regulation at all.
• 8:02
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:03
  Christie: And that that's another unhealthy, which is probably more where I came from.
• 8:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:08
  Christie: Into my adult life of, of not having any amount of filter or mm-hmm.
• 8:13
  Christie: Regulation for my emotions.
• 8:15
  Christie: So there's these two really unhealthy extremes.
• 8:17
  Christie: Well, I
• 8:17
  Elllen: know when I was growing up, And this was long time ago with the original Star Trek.
• 8:24
  Elllen: There was Mr.
• 8:24
  Elllen: Spock who was so Vulcan with the Uhhuh, with the ears, Leonard Nemoy,
• 8:28
  Cheryl: the true Mr.
• 8:29
  Cheryl: Spock.
• 8:29
  Elllen: The True, and I had such a crush on him, and I had like a, you know, a huge poster over my bed that I kissed goodnight every night to Mr.
• 8:39
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:40
  Christie: That's hilarious.
• 8:41
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:41
  Christie: I was like, in the sixth grade.
• 8:42
  Christie: Did you kiss each point?
• 8:42
  Christie: A ear?
• 8:44
  Elllen: I loved Mr.
• 8:45
  Elllen: S.
• 8:45
  Elllen: Spock because I loved that logic and non emotion because that was so opposite of what I was, and he always had control.
• 8:54
  Elllen: Right.
• 8:54
  Elllen: Now, just a side note, my grandmother came and spent the night in my room and told me she was scared to death in there.
• 8:59
  Elllen: Cause I got so many pictures of Mr.
• 9:01
  Elllen: Spock in my room, so
• 9:03
  Christie: That's so funny.
• 9:04
  Christie: Well, you know, I think that makes a good point.
• 9:05
  Christie: I am, like I said, the same way, came from, you know, adolescents into adulthood with no control over my emotions.
• 9:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:12
  Christie: And I, I really feel like.
• 9:14
  Christie: I swung to the other extreme of dismissing a lot of my emotions.
• 9:18
  Christie: Yes.
• 9:19
  Christie: Like you were talking about Cheryl, where I was avoidant of hard things.
• 9:22
  Christie: The hard, hard feelings or thoughts that I had about things.
• 9:25
  Christie: And then that later in turn filtered into my parenting where, you know, I, of course, A lot of their feelings and their emotions, but if you're not
• 9:33
  Elllen: taught right, you don't know what to do.
• 9:35
  Elllen: They're just this giant blob of jelly.
• 9:38
  Elllen: Well, you're trying to
• 9:39
  Christie: juggle and, and leaves you
• 9:41
  Cheryl: out of control and yeah.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: This book has got a lot of good pictures that you can identify with.
• 9:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:46
  Cheryl: And the imagery of saying, we're going down a river.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: In life and we bounce off the two sides, which is what you're talking about, right?
• 9:53
  Christie: The chaos
• 9:54
  Cheryl: and the control.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: Chaos.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: And you bounce back and forth and that, that is the way you handle it.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: It's too chaotic.
• 10:01
  Cheryl: Then you just go straight to rigidity and sometimes in the
• 10:04
  Elllen: same hour.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: Right?
• 10:06
  Cheryl: Because you didn't know what to do with it.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:09
  Cheryl: And it is messy.
• 10:10
  Cheryl: It is.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: And you know, we are such a, Result of our environment and our parenting I remember, my parents, there was no conversations on this at all.
• 10:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:21
  Cheryl: And, uh, we've talked about it before because we moved a lot and I had no self-awareness, other awareness.
• 10:29
  Cheryl: I didn't know any of this way of being sensitive in how to integrate.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: I just thought everybody wanted to be my friend, so plenty of emotions and so I mm-hmm.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: I, uh, felt a lot of rejection and had some actual stories where my heart was broken, where there was outright really rejection and I can remember one time running home and I was so sad and threw myself to my parents' arm.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: I was probably fifth grade and crying.
• 10:59
  Cheryl: Because of how I had been so hurt and my dad held me close and he said, don't you worry about them.
• 11:05
  Cheryl: That's okay.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: We love you.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: We don't need them.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: You're safe here.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: Which was a very loving response.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: But there was no deal.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: Not problem.
• 11:14
  Elllen: Yeah
• 11:14
  Cheryl: There was no dealing with the problem of learning how to integrate with people much less.
• 11:19
  Cheryl: You don't deal with your emotions.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: It's okay.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: You're safe here.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: Don't, don't deal with them.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: He didn't want me to hurt.
• 11:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: And so I will say in my parenting, I was much more emotionally effective and interactive and effusive with my children.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: I'm, I am, I love the positive emotions and celebrated those.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: But my mistake is the negative emotions, what my dad did.
• 11:44
  Cheryl: I didn't want my children to hurt.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 11:47
  Cheryl: So that was a huge gap in my parenting is, you know, no, you don't need to hurt.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: It's okay.
• 11:54
  Cheryl: Don't feel bad.
• 11:54
  Cheryl: Don't feel sad.
• 11:56
  Cheryl: You know, be happy.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: Let me tell you all the reasons you're happy.
• 11:59
  Cheryl: And I would try to distract them or talk about what's happy and good.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: Right?
• 12:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: So I celebrated the really good stuff.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: But I didn't do well with the negative I didn't deal with it.
• 12:09
  Cheryl: And this book is a great practical way of how to deal healthly mm-hmm.
• 12:14
  Cheryl: In real life with our own emotions and with our kids.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: Well, and I,
• 12:17
  Christie: I think I did something very similar with very different motives.
• 12:20
  Christie: I.
• 12:21
  Christie: I just didn't want the inconvenience of their hard emotions.
• 12:25
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 12:26
  Christie: And I think even they're good emotions, you know, we can have fun, but not too much fun.
• 12:30
  Christie: That's gonna make a mess and be loud and not, you know, I liked that.
• 12:35
  Christie: Even killed environment.
• 12:37
  Christie: And so I, I think my motives were more my own convenience and my lack of emotional health on my own, in my own heart, because I didn't know how to process my own emotions, let alone my kids.
• 12:49
  Christie: You know, I was young when I had my kids, so I was still growing up alongside of them, and, and so I'd very easily shifted into that survival mode Mm, yeah, that was my downfall.
• 12:59
  Ellen: I was just crazy.
• 13:02
  Christie: You make us all sane when you say things like that, but I mean, I'm
• 13:05
  Elllen: sure there's a lot of listeners that can relate.
• 13:07
  Elllen: I mean, I could wake up in a good mood and an hour later I'm in a bad mood because something's happened and shifted and it's usually when I felt like.
• 13:16
  Elllen: I don't have control or I can't help this.
• 13:18
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:18
  Elllen: You know the feeling as a parent of helplessness?
• 13:21
  Elllen: Yes.
• 13:21
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:21
  Elllen: When you feel like you, you wanna reach out to your child cuz they're hurting, but you don't know what to say.
• 13:26
  Elllen: You don't know how to help'em.
• 13:27
  Elllen: Or they're doing something destructive.
• 13:29
  Elllen: I don't mean in a big way, but just destructive.
• 13:32
  Elllen: But you're not quite sure how to, how to handle that because my parents didn't teach me anything.
• 13:36
  Elllen: Yep.
• 13:36
  Elllen: It was kind of feral.
• 13:38
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:38
  Elllen: And, um, you know, I was one of those.
• 13:40
  Elllen: Kids that all my teachers loved me.
• 13:43
  Elllen: I had a lot of friends I love school, but whenever my parents would come to like the parent teacher meetings and my teacher would go, oh, Ellen's just wonderful.
• 13:53
  Elllen: My parents would be staring at'em like, That girl over there because it was just like a different world at my house, and so to me, school and stuff was very rewarding for my emotional life, whereas my home life wasn't.
• 14:08
  Elllen: But it made me kind of
• 14:09
  Ellen: crazy.
• 14:10
  Elllen: As a parent too, because it was kind of one minute I was up, one minute I was
• 14:15
  Christie: down.
• 14:15
  Christie: Right.
• 14:15
  Christie: Wow.
• 14:16
  Christie: What I'm hearing, the common theme amongst all of us is a lack of intentionality.
• 14:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:20
  Christie: That we received.
• 14:21
  Christie: That's very good.
• 14:22
  Christie: In turn that we didn't have it.
• 14:23
  Christie: A intentional approach to emotions for our kids.
• 14:26
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 14:27
  Christie: Well, and
• 14:28
  Cheryl: You know what you're talking about, Ellen?
• 14:30
  Cheryl: Huh?
• 14:31
  Cheryl: Not wanting your children to hurt.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: And I alluded to it earlier, but after we lost Bill.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: Yeah, I didn't know how to talk about.
• 14:40
  Cheryl: The emotions.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:42
  Cheryl: And so I talked about it at first and tried to get them to talk about it or to cry and to express themself, and I had no problem expressing my loss and my sadness.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:54
  Cheryl: But, um, when you have a tragedy like that, everybody's just, everybody's just floundering.
• 14:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: it.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: But then after some time passed, I didn't know how to bring it up, right?
• 15:04
  Cheryl: Like, are you still hurting?
• 15:05
  Cheryl: What I didn't know because I thought, oh, if I bring this up, they're gonna hurt and I don't know what to do with it.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: And everybody seems to be moving on.
• 15:16
  Cheryl: And so I wish I had had good resources like this.
• 15:21
  Cheryl: To keep it open.
• 15:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:22
  Cheryl: So we could talk about
• 15:24
  Elllen: stuff.
• 15:24
  Elllen: Well, because grief isn't black and white.
• 15:26
  Elllen: No, it's not.
• 15:26
  Elllen: It's not.
• 15:26
  Elllen: One day you are grieving, you work through it and you're done.
• 15:29
  Elllen: And so it's a constant in your life it still is for you.
• 15:33
  Elllen: Yep.
• 15:34
  Elllen: You know, it comes up in different ways and you're not mourning the same level you did in the beginning.
• 15:39
  Elllen: The same with our children when they've gone through a grief.
• 15:42
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 15:42
  Elllen: But most of us feel very ill-equipped to You know, deal with some really hard things in life.
• 15:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:49
  Christie: Well and people are so different.
• 15:51
  Christie: I mean, if you have more than one child Yep.
• 15:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:53
  Christie: Then they could be handling things and responding things completely different.
• 15:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 15:57
  Christie: I know.
• 15:57
  Christie: There's lots of times where, you know, I'll I.
• 16:00
  Christie: Say something to a child and and they're like, that made me feel this way.
• 16:04
  Christie: And I'm like, well, why?
• 16:05
  Christie: You meant to make you feel this way?
• 16:06
  Christie: Yes, yes.
• 16:07
  Christie: Child will say, well, you never said anything about.
• 16:09
  Christie: I'm like, well, because the younger one said
• 16:10
  Cheryl: I shouldn't.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: And that's exactly one would say you talked about it too much.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: You didn't talk about it enough.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: But I do wanna encourage our listeners, because now that all my children are grown, um, They are getting into good places in their lives.
• 16:24
  Cheryl: Some are actually processing with counselors.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: And so even though we didn't know what we were doing and and it felt like a free fall Mm-hmm.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: Because we didn't have something like the whole brain child.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: To give us some parameters.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: Um, I'm really thankful because people are resilient and our children have been resilient and they're doing okay.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: as adults.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: Instead of.
• 16:48
  Cheryl: What I would've projected.
• 16:49
  Cheryl: Yeah, right.
• 16:50
  Elllen: And in normal circumstances, I'm not talking about extreme, but in normal circumstances as humans and as children, people can rebound.
• 16:59
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 16:59
  Elllen: Yes.
• 17:00
  Elllen: You know, from hard things and tragedy.
• 17:02
  Elllen: It doesn't mean they're not affected by
• 17:04
  Christie: it.
• 17:05
  Christie: Well, and that's one thing he talks about.
• 17:07
  Christie: Early on in this book.
• 17:08
  Christie: That was really comforting to me.
• 17:09
  Christie: Cause like I said, when I start reading anything parenting or I'm like, oh, I feel like really crummy about not doing this right.
• 17:17
  Christie: But you know, he talks about, uh, neuroplastic Yes.
• 17:20
  Christie: Plasticity and talks about how the brain is moldable, imp pliable, and, and there's, um, What does he say?
• 17:28
  Christie: Oh, rewiring as possible.
• 17:29
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:30
  Christie: And that was really comforting for your whole life.
• 17:32
  Elllen: Yeah, for your whole life.
• 17:33
  Elllen: It's not just in a certain
• 17:34
  Christie: timeframe.
• 17:35
  Christie: Right.
• 17:35
  Christie: So where I'm reading this with young adult kids and thinking of all the things that I could have done better.
• 17:41
  Christie: You know, I can still grow.
• 17:43
  Christie: They can still grow and heal.
• 17:44
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:44
  Christie: Like you're saying, Cheryl, your kids have found healthy places to help them through things that maybe, you know, could have been done differently Yeah.
• 17:51
  Christie: Yes
• 17:52
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: you use the term neuroplasticity.
• 17:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:55
  Cheryl: and that sounds like the kind of book you are afraid of.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:58
  Cheryl: cuz it's a new term, uhhuh And I want for our listening audience to explain, the neurons are the things that make up our thinking and are reacting in our brains.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: And plasticity is, it's like, um, flexibility.
• 18:12
  Cheryl: It's flexibility.
• 18:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: Flexibility and grow.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: And so our brain does rewire all the time.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Right?
• 18:19
  Cheryl: For life.
• 18:20
  Cheryl: For life.
• 18:20
  Cheryl: And it continues.
• 18:21
  Cheryl: So I'm gonna give some personal examples.
• 18:24
  Cheryl: Uh, being in the.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: Older end of my life here, I'm intentionally, I've changed some ways about things that I do with my health with the way I eat, um, with my exercise, and then I'm incorporating other things So I've taken on Some new, hobbies.
• 18:42
  Cheryl: I'm doing pottery and I am also doing the New York Times Crossroad puzzle, trying to work on those neurons to create something new because our brains can rework,
• 18:53
  Christie: That it really is encouraging,
• 18:55
  Cheryl: And that's what the book.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: is.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: about It's developing our children's mind and I love it.
• 19:01
  Cheryl: What's encouraging to me, number one is neuroplasticity.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: So even at my age, I can change.
• 19:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:08
  Cheryl: But whatever stage your age, your kids are in, listeners, all of them.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: You can always begin walking in something new, and particularly in this area of emotional health and thriving emotionally.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: I thought that was one of the greatest encouragements.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: What did y'all like about the book?
• 19:25
  Christie: Well, I think.
• 19:26
  Christie: I think one of the things like, like I said, I was a little intimidated, but it's so accessible to the way he incorporates the, the science of the brain and the different parts of the brain and what their functions are.
• 19:40
  Christie: But then how.
• 19:42
  Christie: How we as parents in our living rooms on a Tuesday afternoon can actually Yes.
• 19:46
  Christie: Provide help to our kids to, um, offer them help in Yes.
• 19:52
  Christie: In navigating and, and orchestrating these parts of the brain working together.
• 19:55
  Christie: Yes.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: Where usually if it's science, they front load so much.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: And then, oh, Bob, by the way, the last half of the last chapter is, here's what you do with it.
• 20:05
  Christie: Right.
• 20:05
  Christie: And it's like, let me go get a PhD real quick so that I can help my child who didn't make the team.
• 20:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:11
  Christie: Because
• 20:11
  Elllen: I think the, the positive about the book is it gives you practical how to do it alongside the scientific information.
• 20:20
  Elllen: So cuz that's what we're all saying, how frustrating it is to read all this really good information.
• 20:25
  Elllen: But then you're like, well, so what do I do?
• 20:27
  Elllen: Yeah, right.
• 20:27
  Elllen: You know, and I mean, I think.
• 20:30
  Elllen: I realized too as parents, it really helps us to understand how our brains Yeah.
• 20:36
  Elllen: Work by looking at the book.
• 20:37
  Elllen: Absolutely.
• 20:38
  Elllen: And it had lots of good charts.
• 20:41
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 20:41
  Elllen: Which if you're a visual person, a visual learner, it's had lots of good charts and illustrations that, you know, reinforce what the chapter was about.
• 20:51
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: We're gonna encourage you to get the book.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Whether you listen to all of our episodes, we'd love you to listen to them.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: Cuz our plan is to walk our way through the book section by section and discuss it.
• 21:05
  Cheryl: And talk about it.
• 21:06
  Cheryl: And apply it.
• 21:07
  Cheryl: But get the book and because the end has like a refrigerator chart that you can put up.
• 21:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:14
  Cheryl: it breaks it down by age.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: Age, it like this is what you would see at this age and yeah.
• 21:18
  Cheryl: Just really practical, tools.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: For whatever stage you're in with your kids.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: Um, or yourself.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:27
  Christie: Every chapter at the end, after the, uh, activities or ways to communicate with your kids, there is a section integrating yourself and Yes, I really appreciated.
• 21:37
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:37
  Christie: I mean, I, I think we're always still growing and, and learning, so yeah.
• 21:41
  Christie: I really liked that and I did like the, um, scientific part of it.
• 21:45
  Christie: I, I.
• 21:46
  Christie: Don't think, we think of the brain as an organ that has functions.
• 21:50
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:50
  Christie: and, you know, we think about all of our other organs and their functions mm-hmm.
• 21:54
  Christie: And the needs that they have.
• 21:55
  Christie: But, um, we kind of dismiss like, well, you just have thoughts and feelings and that's about it.
• 22:00
  Christie: Like he, he really addresses the brain functions yeah.
• 22:03
  Elllen: Yeah, and the fascinating thing is we really just know so little about the break.
• 22:07
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:07
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:07
  Elllen: It's really amazing.
• 22:08
  Elllen: It's this organ.
• 22:09
  Elllen: We learn lots about the heart and the kidneys and things, but you know, the brain is still a great mystery, but they've done such a good job in integrating.
• 22:18
  Elllen: You know, what we can do to help our children and our behaviors.
• 22:23
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:23
  Elllen: And how
• 22:23
  Christie: to change besides just give them some fish oil.
• 22:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:29
  Cheryl: well, and like the title says Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind.
• 22:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:34
  Cheryl: Not their intellect.
• 22:36
  Cheryl: Right?
• 22:36
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:36
  Cheryl: The part that their mind, that is who they are, their emotions, and to affirm them.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: Without wallowing in them.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: And then it's, I think, a really well laid out book Yeah.
• 22:48
  Cheryl: And
• 22:48
  Elllen: you're passing on a really great tool to your children.
• 22:51
  Elllen: Yes.
• 22:51
  Elllen: You know, because when you're implementing some of the ideas in the book, then your children are learning, which most of us didn't learn how to do certain things with your emotions, what to do with them.
• 23:03
  Elllen: And so you're.
• 23:04
  Elllen: Creating a whole new generation of kids that know what to do with their
• 23:08
  Christie: emotions.
• 23:08
  Christie: Right.
• 23:08
  Christie: Well, and he says in there, you know, you can, you can raise kids and just focus on behavior and get well-behaved children, and that's fine and dandy.
• 23:16
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 23:17
  Christie: But if we're not equipping them with emotional health that they can use in their whole life.
• 23:22
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:22
  Christie: To navigate all of life's circumstances.
• 23:25
  Christie: Right.
• 23:25
  Christie: That's just making us look good of having these well-behaved kids for a season, but not really equipping them for
• 23:31
  Cheryl: life.
• 23:32
  Cheryl: And that's the tidy way of doing it.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: Just ignore your emotions.
• 23:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:38
  Cheryl: Just live out of that.
• 23:39
  Cheryl: But I'd like this.
• 23:40
  Cheryl: I think it's really balanced because it's not all emotion, right?
• 23:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:45
  Cheryl: It's
• 23:45
  Christie: completely permissive and matters child can
• 23:48
  Cheryl: just do whatever and you just let'em run amuck.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: And express any emotion any time.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: I think it's a really.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: Balanced approach.
• 23:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:56
  Cheryl: I agree.
• 23:56
  Cheryl: Um, also I'd like, like in the last chapter, the 11th strategy is this increase the family fun factor, making a point of enjoying each other.
• 24:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:07
  Cheryl: I just think it's such a nice approach of mm-hmm.
• 24:10
  Cheryl: Being human beings together, and that the relationship does matter.
• 24:13
  Cheryl: And as we're all functioning better and more healthy of our emotions, yeah.
• 24:18
  Cheryl: Our relationships are gonna be better.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: It's messy.
• 24:21
  Cheryl: But it was messy when we weren't dealing with it.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:24
  Cheryl: We just ignored them or let'em run amuck.
• 24:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:27
  Cheryl: And you know, we just bounced from side to side on that river.
• 24:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:30
  Cheryl: Instead of trying to work together and just flourish.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: I'm so excited about this.
• 24:36
  Cheryl: Is there anything else about the book or what you would say to our audience to try to convince them?
• 24:42
  Cheryl: Why they need to listen to this series and why they need to get this book?
• 24:45
  Cheryl: Well, it'll
• 24:46
  Elllen: make it a lot easier, uh, if you listen to our podcast regularly, if you get the book, that's true.
• 24:51
  Elllen: Because we're gonna go through the B book, not chapter by chapter, but a couple chapters at a time.
• 24:56
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 24:56
  Elllen: And.
• 24:57
  Elllen: So there's so much information there, we can't possibly cover it in a podcast.
• 25:03
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 25:03
  Elllen: And there are things that you're gonna wanna reread and you're gonna wanna underline yourself and you're gonna want those charts.
• 25:09
  Elllen: Mm-hmm.
• 25:09
  Elllen: Yes.
• 25:09
  Elllen: Because they're very helpful.
• 25:10
  Elllen: So it's worth the, I don't know, everything comes through Amazon.
• 25:14
  Elllen: So you know, you kind of, and you have it in one day.
• 25:16
  Elllen: Yes, in one day.
• 25:18
  Elllen: And then I always forget.
• 25:19
  Elllen: What I order from Amazon.
• 25:20
  Elllen: So I'm always surprised when the,
• 25:22
  Christie: when you get something Yes.
• 25:23
  Christie: And I'm like, oh, what did Mike
• 25:24
  Elllen: order?
• 25:24
  Elllen: Oh, it's for me.
• 25:26
  Elllen: Then I'm shaking it going,
• 25:27
  Christie: wonder what it is.
• 25:28
  Christie: Well, I'm the opposite.
• 25:29
  Christie: We have so many teens ordering something every single day.
• 25:31
  Christie: Oh yeah.
• 25:32
  Christie: And I never get anything.
• 25:33
  Christie: I'm always like, oh, it's like again, it's for another kid.
• 25:35
  Elllen: Right.
• 25:35
  Elllen: So, you know
• 25:36
  Christie: Amazon's got it.
• 25:37
  Christie: Got it.
• 25:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:38
  Cheryl: Amazon.
• 25:39
  Cheryl: You're so lovely.
• 25:41
  Cheryl: And so Here we are.
• 25:42
  Cheryl: The Parenting podcast.
• 25:43
  Cheryl: Sponsored by Amazon.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:47
  Cheryl: So looking forward to this.
• 25:48
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 25:48
  Cheryl: So much.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: And you can't be at a
• 25:50
  Christie: summer but club.
• 25:51
  Cheryl: No, that's true.
• 25:52
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 25:54
  Cheryl: So parents remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 26:01
  Elllen: man.
• 26:01
  Elllen: What would we do without Amazon?
• 26:09
  I think you can see how excited the recording team is about this book, the Content its approach, and how youthful it is for all of us, regardless of the ages or stages of your family.
• 26:24
  Here's one of my favorite quotes out of their intro that captures what we love about it.
• 26:31
  With an understanding of the brain, you can be more intentional about what you teach your kids.
• 26:38
  How to respond to them and why it will help you to know your child more deeply, respond more effectively to difficult situations, and intentionally build a foundation for a lifetime of love and happiness for your whole family.
• 26:56
  I mean, that is our desire for you here at The Parenting Podcast.
• 27:01
  We want to come alongside of you and walk with you, encouraging and equipping you as parents.
• 27:07
  For your family's whole life, we cannot recommend enough for you to get this book and read it along with us Again, it's The Whole Brain Child by Doctors Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson have a question or comment.
• 27:26
  Simply text us@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 27:30
  DM us or go to our website.
• 27:33
  So whether you get the book or not, be sure you're following T P P because next time we talk about how two brains are better than one.