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I'll Stand By You · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: You're listening to Amma mea podcast Muma Mer acknowledges the
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: traditional owners of the land and waters.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: This episode discusses suicide and won't be for everyone. If
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you or anyone you know need support, there is a
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: list of services available in our show notes. There's something
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: special about meeting your person later in life. You have
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: a stronger sense of who you are, shaped by everything
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: you've been through, the highs the lows, and you move
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: with a kind of calm confidence that just fits. And
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: that was certainly the case for Amy and Matt.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: We'd spend our days going out to the bush to
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: catch yabbies, or to cut firewood, or just listen to nature.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Two dogs, often often lambs, often rescue kangaroos, and we
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: just have this little happy life in this forty foot donga. Honestly,
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: I thought I have one the lotto.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: But life always has a way of testing us. The
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: longer you live it, the more you're asked to carry,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: and over time that weight can take its toll. Even
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: with the stronger support around you, some burdens can feel
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: just too heavy to hold.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: He was showing away from therapy, but when he met
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: this psychologist. He came home and he's like, things are
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: on the up. You know, I had no idea that
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: this would happen to me.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Two weeks later, I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: has an ex Come with me as we dive into
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: a collection of unconventional stories about relationships past through the
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: eyes and the hearts of the very people who lived them.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Meet Amy, thirty seven years old and a single mom
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: to a beautiful eight year old daughter named Heidi. It
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: had always been just the two of them, not for
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: lack of trying.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: I'd been dating on Tinder, and I'd had a lot
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: of bad dates, and I and up all hope of
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: finding someone. My Tinder history was colorful. I have a
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: lot of interesting stories from that actually, including but not
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: limited to, one guy who confessed that he liked to
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: eat crayons over while we were eating dinner and asked
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: me if that would be a problem moving forward. I
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: think the thing was with my Tinder experiences, I was
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: always trying to I didn't really feel good enough, and
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: I was always trying to impress the person, Whereas what
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: I really needed to realize and spend time on my own,
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: was that they needed to impress me. And by this
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: point I was thirty seven, so I think everyone around me,
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: including me, didn't think I would end up with someone.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: It was always just me and Heidi from day one,
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: so from when she was a little baby, and that
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: was really what we had all thought would be my future.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: Well, Amy loved being a mum and she and Heidi
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: had a beautiful life. She did want to find a partner.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: She had so much love to give and wanted to
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: be able to share the beautiful life she had created
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: with someone else.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: I was really lonely and I didn't want to be
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: on my own. I wanted to share my life with
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: someone and I really wanted for in particular HARDI to
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: have that father figure. I worked really hard. I worked
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: full time from when she was a little baby. I
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: really didn't have any time off when she was born,
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: and so I really wanted to just have that family unit.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: And although I was scared of it, have some support
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: from someone else, which the longer I was dating and
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: not meeting someone, I almost got scared of having support
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: because I never wanted to lose it. That's when I
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: just became at peace with not even looking anymore. And
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: that's when the universe said to me, here you go,
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: here's your man.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: His name was Matt. He'd swiped right as a g
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: and he quickly asked her out on a date. With
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: her mindset as it was at the time, she went
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: into it knowing it was just going to be another
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: meeting that goes nowhere, or so she thought.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: He wasn't the kind of guy that I would usually
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: look into. He's a gorgeous guy, but a country boy,
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: you know, very ozzy, like a little bit bogan, big
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: long orange beard. I didn't really put much effort into
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: the date, to be honest. Usually I would have bought
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: a new outfit or put lots of makeup on. But
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: this particular day, Heidi and I had roller skating class,
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: and I dropped Heidy off to her babysitters and went
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: straight to the bar where I met Matt. And I
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: was even running late when I walked in and I
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: saw this man in this baby blue collared shirt. He
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: was so tall, and he had the biggest smile on
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: his face, and I just thought to myself, oh damn,
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: I'm in trouble here. I didn't believe in love at
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: first sight, but I knew when I assume I've got goosebumps.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: As soon as I saw this guy, I knew that
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: was it. It was actually a very interesting date. I
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: went to the bathroom at one point in time and
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: I came out and he had struck up a conversation
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: with a couple who were there celebrating their fortieth winning anniversary.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: And he'd actually organized a doubles game of pool, and
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: I loved that about him, that he could just struck
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: up a conversation, you know, so down to earth organized
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: this game of Paul and this couple actually had their
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: first date forty years ago at that same pub, and
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: they asked, how long have you two been together, and
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: we said, we've literally just met, and they said, no way,
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: you guys are destined to be. From there, we decided
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: let's continue on the evening, and what better way than
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: to go to the National Park and walk through an
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: abandoned railway tunnel. And we were walking towards this abandoned
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: railway tunnel and I'm kind of like, all confident, and
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: then this kangaroo jumps out in front of me and
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: I leapt up into Matt's big arms, and he just
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: he just went, it's okay. And I sort of folded.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: At that point in time. I went, Okay, you know,
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: like he's got me. He did come back to my place,
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: and we always refer to it as the third date
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: because it makes us feel better about the fact he
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: came home that night. But yeah, we walked into my
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: little townhouse and I cracked on and lit the fire,
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: and Matt was just standing there looking at me, thinking,
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: I've never dated a girl that can roll up her
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: sleeves and light a fire. I love like I like
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: this girl a lot. And then I decided to put
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: some Netflix on and we chose the Ted Bundy movie
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: with Zach Efron in it. And when I was telling
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: my colleagues at work about what this date like Howard
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: had unfolded, they said to me, were you actively trying
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: to push this guy away? And I said, absolutely not.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: He's just company was just so awesome, and he was
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: just so fun. And it never occurred to me that
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: it was super strange what we got.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Up to that far, but it wasn't strange for them,
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: And isn't that the sign you've met your match. It
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: was no surprise from that very first or third day.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: They didn't have eyes for anyone else.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: It was definitely a given. He was such a gentleman,
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: so he actually asked me and he even said, you know,
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: I'd really like to be in an exclusive relationship with you.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: And we just had organized for me, I think, the
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: following weekend to go up to the farm, which he
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: originally was a bit embarrassed that he lived with his mum.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: They had the family farm since the early eighties, and
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: his mom was elderly, and they lived in two different dwellings,
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: and he lived in a donga, which for those who
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: don't know, is a transportable home. And I didn't find
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: that embarrassing at all. I thought, oh, tiny living. I've
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: always wanted to do that. But yeah, when I first
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: went up to the farm, I thought that I should
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: drop a pin to one of my friends just to
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: let them know where I was, because seeing all this
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: rusty machinery, and I thought, oh, I'm not in Kansas anymore,
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: you know, like it was a lot. It was a
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: very different environment from what I was used to, you know,
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: farm animals everywhere. I thought it was a bit rub
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: zombie or Devil's rejax. He'lls have eyes, you know, the
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: old banjo diddling ding ding ding ding, Nindy.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: But of course she hadn't needed to worry. As soon
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: as she saw Mad in his happy place, it quickly
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: became hers too, and that day provided what can be
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: a big step in any relationship.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: It was the first time I met his mum, Colleen,
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: and she just was the most beautiful, the opposite, just tiny,
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: but these big blue eyes and just so engaging. He
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: had a daughter named Sally, and she was a year
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: younger than Heidi. The first time the girls met was
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: hilarious in that both of them were clinging onto each
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: of us separately, just sort of looking at each other
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: from behind us, And all of a sudden, Heidi said
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: to Sally, do you want to follow me? And Sally
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: said yeah, all right, and off they went, and they
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: became thick as thieves from there, and things moved very quickly.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: So I was commuting with Heidi from where we lived
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: near the city out to the property, and it was
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: a lot of driving, and we just wanted to be
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: in each other's lives all the time. And I think
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: when you get to that age, if you know, you know,
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: it felt so natural. And when Colin and Matt asked
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: us to move in. We just did. We moved in
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: and that was I think after about six or seven months.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: So I moved in to this donga with Matt and
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: sometimes Sally and eventually two dogs, often often lambs, often
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: rescue kangaroos. And we just had this little happy life
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: in this forty foot donger. And yeah, it just really
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: was so natural. Basically we'd spend our days going out
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: to the bush to catch yabbies or to cut firewood
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: or just listen to nature. We did a lot of camping,
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: a lot of fo wool driving. We just let a
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: simple life, climbing trees. You know. We all had a
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: horse and so we'd ride the horses as a family.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: Very quickly. I was right in the thick of it,
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: nutting sheep with Matt or helping deliver a lamb. We
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: would talk about the future. We wanted to own a
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: thousand acres one day, continue looking after his mum. I
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: just loved how safe he made me feel. I've also
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: loved the fact he looked after his mum. The other
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: thing I liked about him is he was so popular
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: and he had so many friends. And where we live,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: they have a brotherhood they call it. But it's a
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: group of male friends. They call each other the brothers,
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: and we would have a lot of social things with them,
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: just at each other's properties, so bonfires, drinks, and when
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: he entered the room, the party, the party was on,
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: and he would just do silly things, like one time
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: he just went off to the back of his patrol
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: and grabbed out a man keeni and put that on.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: And he loved his body, and he had no shame
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: about his body whatsoever. He was just so happy, very
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: much a contrast from where I had been in my life,
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: where I was always wanting to be loved like this
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: was a proper I always said that my grandfather, who'd
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: passed away in twenty seventeen, I always said that my
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: grandfather sent Matt to me as a gift, probably a
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: year into our relationship. He had been working for twenty
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: five years at the same workshop. He was a steel fabricator,
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: and he wasn't happy. And he in particular the on
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: site work where he'd have to interface with an architect,
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: say to build some stairs that his boss should actually
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: be doing that interaction. He found it very stressful. So
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: we made the decision that my income could support our
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: simple life and that he would be a stay at
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: home dad. So he actually stopped working at that point
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: and looked after Heidi. I wanted him to just explore
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: what made him feel happy and have that time to
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: be around the farm, because he was always so busy
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: leaving the house at seeks and getting back at seks
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: and sometimes he would drive to Sally's mom's house to
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: say good night to Sally and put her to bed.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: But he was just such a good dad, and I
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: really wanted him to just take a beat. He would
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: make Heidi's breakfast in the morning, and he would be
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: the one going on the school camp. He was the
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: silly dad that would be at the sports kind of
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: wearing a tutu and that kind of stuff. He just
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: really slipped into it, and I loved that, and Heardy
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: just adored him, and Sally adored him, and the girls
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: were always hanging off him, like hanging around his neck,
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: literally like monkey's hanging off him. She called him Mattou,
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: my Mattou, and she just loved him. I would say
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: it took a couple of months for her to adjust
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: because she'd always it had always just been me and her,
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: but she she just absolutely loved him, and she loved
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: having a sister. And I think that it didn't take
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: long for them to and I was hesitant to introduce
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: them to each other too soon, but again, it just
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: it just felt so right. And probably a couple of
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: months or no, probably a couple of weeks after I
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: met him, so I always wanted to have maybe another child,
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: So Sally was my bonus daughter. I very much always
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: have viewed her as that, having this bonus daughter in
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: my life who I just adored, and I adored watching
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: Matt with Sally, it's just everything. Honestly, I thought I
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: have won the lotto. That's how I felt.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: There's no prizes for guessing what came next.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: Every year we have a massive bonfire at our farm.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: We spend a whole year building it. It's usually around
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: August or September. And so this particular year, which was
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: twenty twenty, so we were coming out of COVID lockdowns, etc.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: It's probably the first big gathering that we'd had. Matt
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: went and asked my parents if he could marry me,
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: and they said yes. My mum and dad loved him.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: And then the next morning we were all hungover Dusty
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: and he just rolled over in bed and he said, hey, babe,
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: do you want to get married? And I said absolutely,
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: And then we started planning this amazing wedding which we
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: had on the property. It was always a dream of
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Matt's family to have a wedding at the farm. So
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: it was one year after we got engaged, pretty much
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: to the day that we had the wedding, and we
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: had this big sea through Marquee under the stars. We
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: got married under two gum trees. We had the best
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: night and we had our wedding dance to the Pretender's
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: song I'll Stand by You, and the lyrics to that
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: song became so important in what was to follow in
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: our love story. Very shortly thereafter, because Matt's mum got
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: very sick. It took a while for us to work
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: out what was wrong, but she was diagnosed with scleroderma,
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: which is an autoimmune disease and it basically builds up
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: collagen around your body and affects your immune system. She
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: was in and out of hospital and it was a
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: very stressful time and Matt and I really came together
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: as a team. She spent a lot of time in
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: bed and we thought maybe she was depressed, or because
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: she was so active before, she was always feeding chooks
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: and doing gardening and just always at parties. She would
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: be at parties to the early hours of the morning.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: But all of that stop. She didn't want to come
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: out anymore. And then Matt's half brother, so Colleen's son, David,
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: He had a tough life and had druggen alcohol issues
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: and he died at the age of about fifty three.
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: So that was obviously a really hard time, but little
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: did we know what was to follow there. About six
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: weeks later, I came home early from work one day
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: and Matt had been out during the day cutting firewood
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: because he was due to have his tonsils out that week.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: We would never usually leave Colleen at home alone, just
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: because in case she or you know, one of us
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: was always there. And I got home from work and
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: Matt said to me, Ugh, the old chook, that's what
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: he called her. The old chook has let the fire
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: go out in the house. And I said, Babe, when's
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: the last time you have checked on her today? And
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: he said, I better go down and do that now.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: And I said, I'm right behind you. And I was
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: just putting my farm clothes on, and I was two
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: paces behind him, and we came down to the house
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: and she was actively dying, and Matt just screamed out
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: to me, called ambulance.
• 19:50
  Speaker 3: And so.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: I tell you what, if there was ever someone you
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: wanted in your corner and a crisis, like a real crisis,
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: that was an absolute machine. He just scooped his mom
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: up out of bed, put her on the floor, and
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: we just went out at CPR for about f forty
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: five minutes. We had to keep going till the ambulance arrived,
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: and that took a really long time. And when she
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: was pronounced dead, Matt was in the fetal position and
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: he let out his primal screen and it was just
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: the most horrible thing. You see, his heart broke when
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: he lost his mom. What I saw in that moment
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: was like a five year old boy. That's what I
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: was looking at, a little boy who lost his mom
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: following the death of his brother and then losing his mom.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: He'd lost his dad in twenty eleven, and it was
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: a really hard time and we'd only just really been married.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: We didn't know why she died, and we couldn't really
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: get any straight answers and we eventually got the coroner's
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: report and it revealed that she had overdosed. So we felt.
• 21:24
  Speaker 4: Bad that we had intervened in the way we had,
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: but we.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: Had to obviously, but she was ready to go. The house,
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: the farm, the property itself felt so scary, just heavy
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: and dark after she passed away. And the one thing
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: I will say is the community, the brotherhood, their wives,
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: everyone just wept in and a good friend of mine
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: pulled all the curtains down, pulled all of the bedding off.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: Anything that could be washed got washed, got cleansed. But
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: there was a real heaviness over the property, which really
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: sort of set the tone moving forward. So we had
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: to launch straight into and obviously we didn't know why
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: she died, and so we were trying to figure that
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: out and navigating her estate. And sadly, Matt has another brother,
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: but their relationship dissolved with the finalizing of the estate,
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: so he also lost his brother during that process, which
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: was just tragic. So how did we cope. We winged it.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: We just had to muck in and get the job done.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: And I did a lot of work helping Matt to
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: regulate his emotions because he really even just every day inconveniences.
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: If two of them happened once, he would get really frustrated,
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: and so I spent a lot of time trying to
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: help him regulate and calm him down. And he would
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: always be so gracious afterwards and say, oh, baby, help
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: me so much, thank you, And he would just the
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: big smile would come back, and we'd head out into
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: the paddic or we'd hit with poor a drink, but
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: we just mucked on, you know.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: We just.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: One foot in front of the other was our mantra.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: We had a really difficult time. He lost his horse's
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: best friend passed away. In this He was very strong,
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: but when he would get upset and he would really cry.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Seeing such a big, happy guy just cry, it was
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: really hard. It was just awful. And we were looking
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: forward to bigger and brighter pastures every year years. We'd say,
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: twenty twenty three is going to be our year, babe.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: What twenty twenty four is going to be our year?
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: They promised each other, for better or for worse. What
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: they hadn't realized when they made those vows was just
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: how soon they would also feel the true gravity of
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: their wedding song. Even in your darkest hour, I will
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: never desert you. I'll stand by you. Then, less than
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: two years after Colin's death, something happened to Amy through
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: which she would need Matt to stand by her.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: I felt really sick. I got sepsis and I was
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: being told I was fine, and I ended up within
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: a day from going into septic shock. I had multiple
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: major surgeries over the space of eighteen months. Matt was
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: so angry that this could be happening to me and
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: that he didn't know how to fix it. Nobody was
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: listening to me, and he kept taking me to the
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: city to demand them to look at me and do
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: some tests and find figure out what was wrong. And
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: I just really got gas lit. And he felt that
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: he just felt injustice over it. In and out of
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: hospital because we weren't getting answers and major surgeries that
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: led to complications. I was in a wheelchair for a
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: period of time, and I really just lost that that spuck.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: He couldn't come into the hospital. He was too angry,
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: and so I had made it clear that, you know,
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: my expectations were that he would hold down the ford
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: at home, and he was struggling to do that at
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: that point. His ability to cope with daily inconveniences really
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: impacted the way the house was being able to run.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: It made me worry for Heidi because she would call
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: me in hospital and say, Mamma, Matt is not happy tonight.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: And it made me frustrated because I was the one
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: that was sick, but I was still satellite parenting the situation.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: So I felt like, in a way I needed something
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: from him that he wasn't able to provide me with,
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: which was, I guess, really difficult on top of the pane,
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: and psychologically I was not in a good place. I
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: was really struggling to, I guess, connect with where.
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: Matt was at.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: I started building up a resent there that you know,
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: even as much as I was communicating those things, it
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: was almost like he would get overwhelmed just by me
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: saying that, and so to de escalate the situation, I
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: guess I was still cracking on. Even when I was
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: in my wheelchair, I was still cracking on, and I
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: was really questioning where my person had gone. I guess
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: in a relationship having resent but also loving someone, those
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: two things can coexist, and it's a very difficult space
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: to navigate. In particular when you're physically unwell, but when
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: you're mentally unwell as well, your mind will tend to think, well,
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: where do we go from here? You know, there's only
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: so many things I guess that one person can take.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: And we kept going back to that I'll stand by you,
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: those lyrics, you know, like I've got your back, But
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: it was very hard to acknowledge that love that was
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: the undercurrent through all of this.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: They were also dealing with the hows and whys around
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: what Amy had gone through and whether it could have
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: constituted medical malpractice.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: Matt was adamant that I pursue investigations on the matter,
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: even though I was still fighting for my life. He
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: was angry, and so we started couple's therapy to help
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: with the communication piece and also to make an informed
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: decision about whether or not that would be a good
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: idea for me or us as a couple. I was
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: having individual therapy. It came out pretty early on in
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: the couple's therapy that Matt wanted to seek individual therapy
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: as well. And actually my psychologist told me that there
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: was a mental health master class being held in the
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: city which was free. He wracked up in his work
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: cute and he got out and he said, I'm here
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: for the mental health talk. And the psychologist said, well,
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: this is embarrassing, Matt. You're the only person to show up.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: And he said, but it's fine. We get to have
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: a chat just the two of us. And this psychologist
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: would go on to be an important part of the story,
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: but Matt had an hour and a half with him,
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: and this psychologist specialized in men's mental health, so he
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: had a way of phrasing things in such a way
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: that Matt could relate to. He came home and he's like,
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: things are on the up, you know, And he was
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: just sort of replaying the way that the psychologist had
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: explained things to him. I think just the way he
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: was able to describe to Matt and create analogies for
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: him of mental health being like looking out the windscreen
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: or looking at the dashboard when you're driving. You need
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: to have an accurate balance. It's a juggling act of
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: how you sort of If you spend all your time
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: looking at the wind screen, you wouldn't know what speed
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: you're going, for example. But if you only looked at
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: your dashboard, then you wouldn't see other cars and you'd
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: have an accident. So he had a way of explaining
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: these analogies that made sense to Matt, and I was
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: so happy. I just thought, Okay, everything is going to
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: be okay. And I had no idea that this would
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: happen to me two weeks later, fast forward two weeks
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: as part of the investigations that Matt desperately wanted me
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: to do, Monday was the deadline to submit all the
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: evidence to lawyers regarding my medical issues and preparing that
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: kind of evidence and more paperwork, and that was such
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: a big body of work. And I had told Matt
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: that I needed the whole weekend uninterrupted to do that.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: You know, babe, just just have a weekend whar you're
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: chill and the kids are looked after, and I'll just
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: be there plowing away through my spreadsheet. He didn't know
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: how to use technology, so he had sausage fingers and
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: he's boiler maker, and he was very, I guess self
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: conscious about his lack of technology skills. And he could
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: have helped me, if it is sat with me for
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: five minutes. I could have told him how to name
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: file names. But the point was it was just easier
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: if he Because there's a lot to do on the property,
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: and so it was going to be easier for me
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: if he was just doing that, but he kept coming
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: in to my office. I was like a toddler that's
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: wanting to reach out to its mum. You know, hey,
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: I need help with this quote. Because he had started
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: his own business by then, which was going really, really well.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: And I reminded him that this quote wasn't due till
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: the following Friday, and that I would be with him
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: at three pm on Monday when this work was submitted,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: but then there would be something else, and he was
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: just buying out for my attention, and he wasn't, I guess,
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: his normal bubbly self. It was manifesting as he was
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: angry at me, but I think he was actually angry
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: at the fact that he couldn't assist and he felt
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: like he was letting me down and he didn't know
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: how to fix it. On the Monday, I went to
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: drop Heidi at school as I usually would. It's quite
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: a drive and I came back and Matt was on
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: the four wheeler on the road and he looked happy,
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: you know, And I still had to complete this deadline, right,
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: So I went to my office and he I was
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: working all day. He was he had his clipboard and
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: his glasses on, and he was walking around fabricating stuff.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: And he had his GP appointment at twenty past three,
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: which was to get the mental health plan so that
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: he could continue working with the psychologist from the masterclass.
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: When he got off the phone, I could hear that
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: he was whimpering, and so I stepped up from my
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: desk and I said to him, baby, are you okay?
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: And he said, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. And I said,
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: do you want to just come into my office like privacy?
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: And he just switched.
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: He went from being sad to his eyes doing this
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: thing that I'd never seen, you know, that vacant looking
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: down at the floor. I was being really calm, but
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: he just said, I'm over it. I'm over it. And
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: he was yelling at me, and I said, what, babey,
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: what are you over? I like, are you over? You
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: know the legal stuff? Your work, the marriage will tell
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: me more own. He said, I just need to go
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: for a walk. In the couple's therapy, we'd made a
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: verbal contract that me regulating his emotions wasn't good for
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: me and I needed to stop doing that. So he
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: made a verbal contract that when he needed to go
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: and self regulate, he would say, I'm going for a walk.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: We would do to have a couple's therapy on Zoom
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: at four o'clock. So this I'm over and I'm going
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: for a walk was about twenty to four, and I thought, Okay,
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: he's going off for a walk and he'll circle back.
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: And he didn't come back, and I was so angry.
• 34:59
  Speaker 4: I thought, how dare you you know?
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: That morning I had bought the makings for our favorite
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: family meal. I then went to cook this dinner. And
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: I'm still angry because he hasn't shown up, and he
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: hasn't answered his messages, and he hasn't been online for
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: an hour or so. At this point, I text him
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: tease ready and didn't hear anything, and put dinner on
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: the table and heid he said, Mama, can I go
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: fun match to me? And something came over me and
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: I said, no, baby, I'm going. It was raining and
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: I walked outside and I walked up to his shed
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: and there was probably one meter gap. You can see.
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: The light was on, and I think my subconscious experience
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: what I was about to see before my body and
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: my eyesight was ready to accept it. So I actually,
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: when I walked in, I looked to the right, which
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: is sort of a storage area where a car is.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: He wouldn't likely be there. But then I looked to
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: the left.
• 36:09
  Speaker 3: And I him.
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: I felt like I had sunscreen over my eyes. I
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: couldn't see. I had my phone on me, and I
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: called Triple zero and we all know that I've done
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: CPR before on his mum, but there was no CPR
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: that was required. The next thing I knew, some neighbors
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: rocked up, but then Matt's best friend, who's a policeman
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: and has attended many suicides before, he ran up and
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: he just went, oh, mate, no, And then you just
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: saw his training switch on and he went into police
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: boat and he just said to me, fine, something to
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: cut him down with.
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 37:03
  Speaker 4: The next thing I remember is being inside with the
• 37:05
  Speaker 4: ambulance people who tried to check me to see if
• 37:08
  Speaker 4: I was okay.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: I'd been through the whole death at home thing before,
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: so I knew that we were going to be interviewed
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: and separated by the police. And I said to the
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: police I had a disagreement with him, this is my fault,
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: and they said, everybody has disagreements Amy. When he hung
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: up from his GP, the last thing you saying to
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: his GP was I just can't handle.
• 37:40
  Speaker 4: What's happening to Amy. So I felt like it was
• 37:44
  Speaker 4: all my fault. That was the one time I didn't
• 37:48
  Speaker 4: regulate his emotions and I stuck to the verbal contract
• 37:54
  Speaker 4: we had.
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: Made, and a backfire so badly. I remember all of
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: the whole brotherhood and all the wives were there within
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: a flash, and they were all patiently waiting for me
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: to be the first one to go into the shed
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: to say goodbye before they took him away. I don't
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: remember this, but apparently I went in and kissed him
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: on his phone, and then I'd remember just patting him
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: like you would an acquaintance. We had a beautiful funeral.
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: I got a coffin which was custom printed with photos
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: of the girls all over it, and I promised i'd
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: buy him a Harley for his fiftieth birthday, but he
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: didn't make it to fifty, so I got him a Hollyharse,
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: and the Holly Hearse drove to the service. So he
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: was just this coffin with pictures of his girls all
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: over it on a side car of a Harley and
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: it was the best worst day of my life. Both
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: the girls spoke at the service. They were only thirteen
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: and fourteen at that time. Sally wrote a poem about
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: her daddy and how she never got to say goodbye
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: and if she only had five minutes, and Heidi did
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: a really beautiful speech where she made a few jokes
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: like I even got to drive your new car before
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: mom did. And I didn't ask the girls to speak.
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: They wanted to speak. And I made this.
• 39:42
  Speaker 5: Video which was so perfect and so tragic, and it
• 39:48
  Speaker 5: was just all these memories, including video.
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: With audio of him being with his girls and with
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: his friends, and I really wanted to honor the person
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: he was. And the psychologist from the masterclass before the funeral,
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: I rang him and I said, I'm too scared ask
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: you this because I'm afraid you'll say no. But can
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: you please be your time to come and talk to
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: the brotherhood about mental health because the day after Matt died,
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: there were about thirty people on our property for weeks
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: and they were working through their grief, just fixing stuff
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: and swearing at Matt under their breath. But one thing
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: that became clear to me is that a lot of
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: them had had thoughts of suicide in the past, and
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: so I called this psychologist and I said, can I
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: pay you to come and talk to the brothers and
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: I'll put on some sausages and some beer. And he said, oh, come,
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: but you can't pay me. And so he came and
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: did his master class in our country town and the
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: whole was full of people. And so it went from
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: the one on one with Matt he had in the
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: city to this room full of men just searching for
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: connection and answers as to why Matt had gone. And
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: that was just trying to give that back, was one
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: of my ways of trying to pay it for it
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: and make Mats find some meaning and purpose. I bought
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: a Bonzie tree and I got a piece of steel
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: from MAT's shed, and I carved the piece of steel.
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: I engraved it with the words you are valued, needed,
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: and loved, which those words are what we should say
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: to our men every day, because they don't know how
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: to they might not necessarily realize that. So I presented
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: that in front of all the blokes, and I was
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: so happy to see everyone there, and I even brought
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: Matt's ashes in. We came back in an hour and
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: they were still going, and they were still going an
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: hour after that, and it felt.
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: Great, and it went further than Matt's friends, the community
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: and the brotherhood. When Amy got around to selling one
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: of Matt's old cars, she had an interaction that could
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: only be viewed as a sign from above.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: I did a lot of research as to what I
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: would value that at and I stuffed it up and
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: put online way too cheap, and just had dozens of
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: people messaging me straight away. I knew I'd made a mistake.
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: And anyway, this guy messaged me, this young bloke, and
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: he said, mate, take it down, it's too cheap. And
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: I messaged him back saying thank you, and I gave
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: him the sort of a high level picture of what
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: had happened. And he wrote back to me the next
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: day and he said that he'd been thinking about it,
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: and he said that I actually saved his life. And
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: he said, but he'd never considered what mess he'd be
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: leaving behind for his family. So I think that even
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: though people call me brave for talking about Matt's story,
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: I don't feel like it's ove. I feel like it's necessary.
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: And this one interaction on marketplace of a guy that
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: was just looking out for me. You know. I just
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: think that Matt's greatness is living on even after he's gone.
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: While Amy was able to find these silver linings in
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: helping others, they of course were in the darkest of clouds.
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: Her grief is still raw and the heartbreak and gravity
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: of her loss ever present.
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: I felt like, as a surviving partner, I had a
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: responsibility to carry other people's grief because he chose. But
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: I understand now that he didn't choose it. I understand
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: he wasn't him in that moment, and I know that
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: he didn't plan to leave us. It's just he was
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: actively making plans like getting his mental health plan and
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: running his business that day.
• 44:15
  Speaker 3: Just in that moment he.
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: Couldn't deal with it. And unfortunately, I think with suicide
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: it's like another flavor of grief. And I think, as
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: with all grief, losing your partner or husband, you don't
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: just lose the partnership and the other person, you lose
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: yourself in the process. You just put one foot in
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: front of the other and you wing it. If something
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: breaks down, you go to TikTok and you celebrate your wins.
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: It is so scary sitting with your feelings. That nighttime
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: before I go to bed, I sit under the stars,
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: and I'm right in a journal and I'm doing an
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: insane twenty hours of silence challenge to raise money for
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: mental health, and I just keep myself busy. But I
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: make sure that I am in regular so I'm in
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: therapy once a week. And because I was already being
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: treated for PTSD following my illness, I've got like a
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: complex PTSD thing going on. So I keep in touch
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: with my doctors and make sure as much as possible
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: to try and care for myself, which I'm still got
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: my l plates on it that if I'm being honest,
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: but I am learning. I mainly just I mainly just
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: miss my best friend and I'm really lonely in the quiet.
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: Matt used to talk a lot. He never shut up,
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: actually he was so and now it's just quiet, and
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: I sort of think I miss you, and I'm sorry
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: that I'm sorry that I don't get to hear you
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: buzzing in my ear.
• 46:19
  Speaker 3: I'm not angry with him.
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: I try and feel him in the wind and in
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: the land. And you know, when I'm listening to the
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: horse's grace, I look for.
• 46:29
  Speaker 3: Him, and.
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: I feel his big love energy when he even when
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: he's gone, like when his mom died, it was scary.
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: I've never once felt sad. I just feel the forty
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: acres of big love. And we'll get there because we
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: have to. I am sad, but I'm safe and I'm
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: functioning and I'm showing up and I'm going to work
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: every day. But I'm not okay. But what is making
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: it better is these beautiful this beautiful.
• 47:08
  Speaker 3: Army I have around me.
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: It's not just about me being strong. I'm being ware,
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: being held up by everyone around us, and that makes
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: me okay. It makes my heart happy because.
• 47:24
  Speaker 3: I know that we're not alone.
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: Everyone has an Ex's a Minti Media production and proudly
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: part of the Muma Mea Network. This episode is written
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott.
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: If you have a story you'd like to share, email
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: podcast at momameia dot com dot au. You can support
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: us by following the show in your favorite podcast app
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: and leaving a five star review