Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S4E13 - How Do My Words Shape My Child's Self-Esteem?

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S4E13 - How Do My Words Shape My Child's Self-Esteem? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr.
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  Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I answer real parenting questions about behavior,
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  emotions,
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  and the parent-child relationship.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am
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  doing a little bit
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  of a conglomeration of questions,
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  if you will.
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  Let me explain.
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  So,
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  I just spoke at a conference in Indiana
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  last weekend.
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  And went up and
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  was able to do a VIP event on Friday with
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  clinicians and then we spent all day together on Saturday.
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  And on Sunday,
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  two of the local therapists,
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  play therapists,
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  invited all of the parents
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  that
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  have children in therapy with them
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  to kind of like a little parent meet up on Sunday.
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  And we talked about
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  kids and
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  CCPT
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  and
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  just really kind of had a,
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  a really rewarding,
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  meaningful time together.
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  They got to make little play kits to take home and do
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  play kits to take home and do play sessions with their children,
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  and
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  we had donuts because we focus on the donut,
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  not the hole,
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  and etc.
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  etc.
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  etc.
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  So,
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  it was really helpful,
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  but they submitted questions and they asked questions.
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  And I wanted to talk about something that I feel
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  like was a really meaningful question that we addressed.
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  In Indiana.
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  So,
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  if you will,
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  will bear with the lack of an actual parent question this week,
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  this is something that actual parents asked,
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  but it's just not from an email that I received.
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  So,
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  I want to talk about
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  when a child is struggling with who they are.
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  And I know that's pretty broad,
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  but I'm gonna give some specificity so that maybe you'll say,
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  oh yeah,
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  I know exactly what that's like,
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  that describes my kid.
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  So,
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  when you have a child that
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  is
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  very
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  high anxiety,
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  they almost always have low self-esteem.
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  So,
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  that's one
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  example where kids don't know who they are.
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  When a child is constantly changing their personality or the way that they present.
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  Especially in social situations,
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  like
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  one second they're quiet,
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  the next second they're quiet,
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  the next second they're really funny,
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  the next second they're the athletic one,
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  the next second they're bossy,
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  they're constantly trying to figure out who they are.
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  That's an indication that they don't have
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  a sense of identity.
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  You will have kids that will say really negative things about themselves.
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  Like I can't ever do anything.
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  I'm always dumb.
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  I don't ever know how to fix anything.
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  I can't figure anything out.
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  I can't do it.
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  Will you do it for me?
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  I need help.
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  Those kinds of scenarios.
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  Also an indication of lack of self-concept and worth.
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  So different scenarios all rooted in the same.
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  Cause
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  And
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  one of the questions that I got
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  multiple times
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  was something along the lines of
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  what do we do as parents?
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  So we recognize we have this self-esteem thing going on in our child
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  and
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  what should we be doing as parents to address that.
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  And I want to introduce a concept.
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  I think I've actually talked about it in an earlier episode,
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  but it was in an earlier season.
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  So for those of you that may not have been listening to the beginning,
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  Seasons 12,
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  and 3.
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  This may be new to you or it may be a refresher.
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  For those of you that have been around with me for more than a decade,
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  what's up y'all?
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  Thanks for hanging on this journey with me.
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  And so
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  the concept is looking glass self.
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  And
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  let me kind of give a word picture here so that it makes a little bit more sense.
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  Think about
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  old fairy tales.
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  They typically refer to mirrors as looking glasses because they were handheld.
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  And so you have this oval shaped looking glass
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  that the woman would hold,
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  and usually it was really ornate and it had filigree around
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  the edges because it was gold or silver or whatever.
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  And
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  the looking glass was
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  the way that you saw it yourself.
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  So the looking glass self.
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  So the looking glass self-concept in psychology.
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  is
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  you are essentially
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  Trusting other people's reflection of you
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  to help develop your self-concept.
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  So let's,
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  let's walk through a scenario.
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  It's essentially as if every time
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  And this is true of humans,
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  so this is not just
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  unique to children,
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  but
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  we'll,
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  we'll go with kids since we're talking about how to support our kids.
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  So a child
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  walks around all day every day,
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  is interacting with children and adults and coaches
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  and strangers and people that they know really well,
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  and what's going on
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  is all these people in the child's world
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  are reflecting who they are back to them.
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  Here's how that goes.
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  A child gets really bossy on the playground.
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  And the child goes,
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  I don't like you.
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  OK,
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  so what just happened is,
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  Child put
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  who they are out into the world.
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  I'm bossy.
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  And
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  the other person,
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  the other child
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  said,
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  I don't like this at all.
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  I'm reflecting back to you that you're bossy and I don't like it.
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  OK,
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  another scenario,
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  child tells a joke.
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  And the whole room laughs and several people say,
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  oh my gosh,
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  you're so funny.
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  So now,
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  what got reflected back from the looking glasses proverbially
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  that all the other people are holding up,
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  reflecting back to the child is that you're funny.
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  That's one of your personality traits.
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  And this goes on all day every day for all of us.
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  And so what happens,
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  especially in formative years,
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  especially when children are young.
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  What's happening is the child's sense of concept
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  is being constructed based on what's getting
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  reflected based on what's getting reflected back.
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  So if 25 people
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  within a course of a few months,
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  all say to your child,
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  you're funny.
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  Then
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  They're going to start going one of two options.
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  I'm funny.
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  Everybody
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  reflects back to me that I'm funny.
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  I'm going to make that part of my concept.
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  I'm going to believe that about myself.
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  I've had enough people reflect that trait back to me.
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  That's who I am.
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  I'm funny.
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  And then they embrace that as part of who they believe they are.
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  The other option is
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  they hear these messages.
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  You're funny,
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  you're bossy,
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  you're smart,
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  you're athletic,
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  you're an idiot,
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  you are clueless,
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  you are mean.
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  Whatever's getting reflected back and they reject it.
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  So it gets reflected back and they're like,
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  no,
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  I don't believe that about myself at all.
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  That's easier to do when it's an isolated reflection.
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  If it happens again and again and again,
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  it's very hard to ignore the same thing reflected repeatedly.
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  So,
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  a one-time thing,
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  you're mean.
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  A kid can just go,
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  I'm not mean,
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  and
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  move on.
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  They hear that again and again,
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  a little bit more of a challenge.
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  So,
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  why am I bringing up Looking Glass Self?
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  Because one of the most important things
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  that we need to be mindful of
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  is what we say to our children about them.
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  In other words,
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  Are you saying in frustration?
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  Will you stop being a brat?
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  Or are you saying to your child in frustration,
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  Oh my gosh,
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  you're so annoying sometimes.
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  Or whatever may come out.
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  In exasperation,
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  irritation,
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  frustration,
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  annoyance.
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  Look at all those emotions I just rattled off.
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  You,
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  you need to be,
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  uh,
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  building your emotional vocabularies so that
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  you can reflect your children's feelings,
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  but that's for another podcast.
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  So,
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  when we have these moments where we say things about our children.
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  Why can't you be more like your brother?
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  Or
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  you're so smart,
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  you're so pretty,
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  you're so pretty,
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  you're so amazing,
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  you're so,
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  are we praising our children?
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  That's also part of
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  self-concept development.
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  You're only good cause I tell you you're good.
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  External motivation and validation.
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  That's also probably for another podcast episode.
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  By the way,
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  if these are concepts,
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  if you don't know anything about reflecting feelings,
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  if you don't know anything about our emotional vocabulary,
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  if you don't know anything about
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  the difference between praise versus encouragement,
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  please go back and listen to earlier episodes.
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  I've covered all of this stuff before.
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  So if you're hanging on going,
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  man,
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  I'm really lost.
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  It's just because these are concepts that we've addressed and
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  for time's sake,
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  I can't dive into them,
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  but please know that they are available
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  to you.
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  Just go back in the archives and,
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  and look at earlier episodes.
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  But
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  What we say
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  to our children about our children.
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  It means something
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  Let's go back to the movie Pretty Woman.
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  I don't know y'all's age,
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  so
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  that might be before or after your time.
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  But
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  if you've ever seen that movie,
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  Julia Roberts' character says to Richard Gere character at one point in the movie,
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  I don't know.
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  After a while,
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  someone tells you enough times that you're never gonna
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  become anything,
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  you start to believe it.
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  OK,
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  so
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  what kids hear about themselves
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  shapes who they believe they are.
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  And we can't be on one extreme or the other.
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  We can't be on the,
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  I tell you how awesome you are every second of your life.
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  That's praise.
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  And that's very detrimental to a child's self-concept,
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  and
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  they become governed by,
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  I only have worth if someone else tells me I have worth.
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  So we certainly don't want to be on that side of the camp.
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  We also don't want to be on the side of the camp on the opposite
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  side of that
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  where
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  We don't even realize some of the things that we say,
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  and it's callous
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  and it's negative.
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  And so
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  what we're trying to do.
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  When we think about a child's self-concept,
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  because one of the really important
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  tenets of CCPT
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  is what's most important may not be what a child knows,
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  but what a child believes.
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  A child might know that they're loved,
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  but they don't believe it.
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  They might know that they're capable,
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  but they don't believe it.
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  And this is why
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  Looking Glass self comes in.
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  Because
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  if we are constantly through our interactions with our children,
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  communicating,
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  I trust you.
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  I know you
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  And I believe in you
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  They develop a healthy sense of who they are.
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  And
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  there's a fine line because again,
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  we don't want it to be
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  all praise and value laden.
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  We don't want it to be all critical and accusational and negative.
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  Our
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  best hope for that
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  is encouragement,
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  which is acknowledging the child's effort.
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  And when we do that,
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  And when the messages that we communicate subtly and overtly
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  are,
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  you're capable,
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  you're competent.
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  You can do it
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  You'll figure it out
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  Those become part of the child's self-concept.
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  And that's how a child starts to understand who they are.
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  And who they can be
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  because sometimes actually we all are,
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  we're all in the process of becoming.
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  So when we think about that,
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  we're not going to quote arrive,
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  but we're in the process of becoming
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  And therefore
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  if a child knows.
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  It'll be OK.
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  That is a really healthy
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  sense of who they are,
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  and that comes from the looking glass self,
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  so we contribute to that.
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  I mean,
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  obviously we can't control what children say to
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  our kids and reflect back to our kids.
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  We can't control what other adults reflect and say back to our children,
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  but we certainly can.
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  What we reflect back
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  So,
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  just something to encourage you this week,
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  something to
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  keep in the back of your mind
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  or maybe in the front of your mind,
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  I guess,
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  that
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  what you are reflecting back to your children about them
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  matters.
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  And
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  let's go back really quickly as we wrap this up to the be with attitudes.
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  I'm here,
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  I hear you,
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  I understand,
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  I care and I delight in you.
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  I would hope that that's what we're reflecting back to our children.
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  Because that helps them develop a really healthy
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  sense of who they are.
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  I'm here,
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  I hear you.
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  I understand.
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  I care and I delight in you.
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  That makes it very clear
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  what we think about them
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  and then therefore what they can think about themselves.
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  I love y'all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
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  Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.