Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1094 - Dude Ranch or Spa Retreat?

Transcript

#1094 - Dude Ranch or Spa Retreat? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: wants answers Now, Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: For the first let's say, twenty years of our marriage,
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  Speaker 1: it was always just family holidays, you meet the kids,
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  Speaker 1: we said. In fact, we were explicit about this. We
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  Speaker 1: would watch people who would go on holidays solo and say,
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  Speaker 1: why would they do that? How could they leave each other?
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  Speaker 1: Imagine going a holiday, going on a holiday on your own.
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  Speaker 3: I think part of the reason we felt that way, though,
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  Speaker 3: was because we'd actually never experienced a real holiday.
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  Speaker 1: Well, that's true.
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  Speaker 3: All about holidays were sleeping in family.
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  Speaker 1: The loundry, to your parents place, at my parents' place.
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  Speaker 1: We didn't have holidays for like the first fifteen eighteen
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  Speaker 1: years of our marriage. Really we didn't have the money
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  Speaker 1: for it. But over time, of course, we've been able
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  Speaker 1: to start to have some holidays, and maybe five years
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  Speaker 1: ago you started to have some girls trips, or you'd
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  Speaker 1: either go solo and do your own thing, or you
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  Speaker 1: would go on a girl's trip away. And so in
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  Speaker 1: today's podcast, what we thought we'd do, and this is
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  Speaker 1: partly inspired by our experience, but also partly inspired by
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  Speaker 1: an article that I stumbled across recently looking at the
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  Speaker 1: idea of girls trips. Thought we talk about the good,
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  Speaker 1: the bad, the ugly, whether it's a good idea or
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  Speaker 1: not to go on holiday with a bunch of girls
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  Speaker 1: or a bunch of guys and leave your husband or
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  Speaker 1: wife or partner at home to hold onto the home
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  Speaker 1: front and manage the kids and keep everything going on
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  Speaker 1: their own while you go and party. Good idea, bad idea?
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  Speaker 1: Where do we land on this? In this article, it's
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  Speaker 1: very much about saying girls need to get away and
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  Speaker 1: have their trips at every age. And I love this.
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  Speaker 1: The questions that this author gets in order of frequency
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  Speaker 1: at number one, how are you affording this? And in
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  Speaker 1: bracket she says by saving? How are you managing this
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  Speaker 1: with work? And this particular author says, I'm self employed,
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  Speaker 1: but most of my friends have to jug annual leave
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  Speaker 1: with a month that has a whole lot of public
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  Speaker 1: holidays in or something like that. And then the third
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  Speaker 1: question is don't your partner's mind And the big answer
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  Speaker 1: here was no, they don't. So I want to talk
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  Speaker 1: about this idea of how do you make it happen?
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  Speaker 1: Should you make it happen? Does it work? Doesn't it work?
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  Speaker 1: If it's going to work, what do you need to
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  Speaker 1: be mindful of? So much, so much rich material for
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  Speaker 1: us to dive into. Where do you want to start?
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  Speaker 3: Well, I think there's a really big difference between girls
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  Speaker 3: trips and boys trips. Yeah, yes, yes, and the way
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  Speaker 3: they're perceived, So maybe start there.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, So I'm going to say this. I get nervous
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  Speaker 1: about girls trips, and maybe I shouldn't say this.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to get I might get canceled for saying this,
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  Speaker 2: But I get worried about girl's trips because when a
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  Speaker 2: whole bunch of girls get together, especially if there's any
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  Speaker 2: unhappiness and misery in some of those relationships, I become
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  Speaker 2: really nervous that you might.
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  Speaker 1: Go away and then come back and end up bearing
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  Speaker 1: the load of relationship drama, like it's contagious, and I
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  Speaker 1: I would hate for you to go away and have
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  Speaker 1: all the emotional baggage and burden, and yet at the
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  Speaker 1: same time the emotional intensity girls' trips. I suppose when
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  Speaker 1: girls get together there's deep conversations and there's emotional bonding
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  Speaker 1: and that kind of thing. So I want to tread
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  Speaker 1: carefully when I say this. Can you say this more
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  Speaker 1: delicately than me so that I don't sound like I'm
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  Speaker 1: just being a grumpy guy around this one.
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  Speaker 3: So I think the people that you spend time with
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  Speaker 3: is so important. There's that idea out there that the
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  Speaker 3: five people you spend the most time with is kind
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  Speaker 3: of the person you become.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you become the average of those five people.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. And so I remember in the early days when
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  Speaker 3: you and I first got married and we had our
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  Speaker 3: first child, and I was attending mum's groups, and I
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  Speaker 3: would go along, and I would sit in a room
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  Speaker 3: full of disgruntled women who were really unhappy with their
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  Speaker 3: partners and would spend the whole hour and a half
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  Speaker 3: we were together while we're supposed to enjoy each other's time,
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  Speaker 3: just bashing their husbands. And I would come home feeling
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  Speaker 3: just a little bit bewildered by it because I wasn't
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  Speaker 3: having those experiences.
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  Speaker 1: I remember those conversations. You'd come home and say, they
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  Speaker 1: don't they don't like the father of their children.
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  Speaker 3: This is a pretty serious issue here, and that early on,
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  Speaker 3: like you think about new relationships off and you're in
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  Speaker 3: that honeymoon state, right, So everything's beautiful and golden and rich.
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  Speaker 3: And so for me, the most important thing about any
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  Speaker 3: kind of trip, like extended trip, that you're going to
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  Speaker 3: spend time with, you want to actually be with people
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  Speaker 3: that elevate you.
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  Speaker 1: That you choose your companions carefully.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And I think that that is such
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  Speaker 3: an important part of the process.
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  Speaker 1: I was thinking about it as well. And this is
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  Speaker 1: probably for both girls and guys, but I'll say it
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  Speaker 1: in the girl's trip, just the challenge of crawling underneath
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  Speaker 1: the barbed wire of finding the time, the annual leave
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  Speaker 1: if you're an employee, or trying to work out how
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  Speaker 1: you're going to do that. I guess there's a second
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  Speaker 1: element to this that's very much about the girls, and
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  Speaker 1: that is just dancing through the mine field of kids
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  Speaker 1: and your husband or partner and their expectations and potential
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  Speaker 1: winching and whining about strategic and confidence. I don't know
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  Speaker 1: how to do it. I don't know where the kids
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  Speaker 1: have to be on which day, and I don't think
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  Speaker 1: that I can cook the meals. And that's something when
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  Speaker 1: we've talked about this on social media, that's something that
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  Speaker 1: comes up all the time. I could never do that.
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  Speaker 1: I could never leave my husband to look after the
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  Speaker 1: kids for a week or four days while I go
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  Speaker 1: away with the girls.
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  Speaker 3: I've had so many conversations since I took my first
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  Speaker 3: solo trip what nearly five years ago now, and I'm
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  Speaker 3: really mindful that doing it is hard for lots of
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  Speaker 3: different reasons.
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  Speaker 1: And it's hard for you because you're going away and trusting,
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  Speaker 1: and it's then hard for dad or partner who's at
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  Speaker 1: home doing it all one hundred percent.
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  Speaker 3: And the reason I went on my very first trip
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  Speaker 3: wasn't about going on a holiday. I was so burnt
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  Speaker 3: out and I needed the space because I knew my
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  Speaker 3: life and where I was mentally, emotionally and physically was
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  Speaker 3: not where I wanted to be.
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  Speaker 1: And can I just say two things about this. Number One,
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  Speaker 1: I actively encouraged you to go. Number Two, I nailed
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  Speaker 1: it while you were gone. It was amazing. I was like, yes,
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  Speaker 1: I've got it.
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  Speaker 3: But this is the thing. It was a joint decision.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't put my foot down and say I'm doing
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  Speaker 3: this regardless of what you think. I've got to go.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't say I have to be gone for this
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  Speaker 3: amount of time. We sat together in this place and
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  Speaker 3: recognized that we were I was in a hard place,
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  Speaker 3: and I just needed a little bit of breathing space
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  Speaker 3: so I could actually see my reality for what it
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  Speaker 3: was and not for what I felt like it was
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  Speaker 3: in that place where I felt like the blinders were
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  Speaker 3: so heavy that I could only see the tip of
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  Speaker 3: my nose.
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  Speaker 1: So not to dads. Not to dads, You've got to
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  Speaker 1: deal with the just the logistics, okay, And there's obviously
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  Speaker 1: the financial elements, and there's clearly going to be a
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  Speaker 1: major shift in the dynamic while your wife or partner
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  Speaker 1: is away. But I just think if you're in a
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  Speaker 1: situation where you can save up and set this as
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  Speaker 1: a goal, I know how good it is when you
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  Speaker 1: come home. You feel like a different person, You feel
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  Speaker 1: so refreshed and so good about life, and we're also
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  Speaker 1: thrilled to have you home. I mean, it's just a
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  Speaker 1: wonderful reunion. I would encourage dads to actively pursue this
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  Speaker 1: as a hate hunt. Go on a girl's trip, or
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  Speaker 1: go and have a solo trip and go somewhere and
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  Speaker 1: isolate yourself and spend a couple of days relaxing and
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  Speaker 1: pulling it together so that we can be strong again
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  Speaker 1: for the next little while. I just reckoned. There's so
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  Speaker 1: much value in it, and I think mums need to
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  Speaker 1: be encouraged, actively, encouraged to go and do it.
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  Speaker 3: I was having a conversation with a really good friend
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  Speaker 3: of mine and she is so burnt out, she is
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  Speaker 3: so stretched, and I said, you need a couple of
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  Speaker 3: days away wherever it is. It doesn't have to be
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  Speaker 3: an expensive getaway. Just go and do this for yourself.
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  Speaker 3: And she just looked at me and she said, I
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  Speaker 3: couldn't do it. She said, there's just so many moving
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  Speaker 3: parts in our house. She said, my kids are all
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  Speaker 3: at different stages. I'd be scared that someone would get
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  Speaker 3: hurt and I wasn't here to fix it. I don't
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  Speaker 3: even think my husband would know where to find the
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  Speaker 3: band aids if he needed them. You know that kind
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  Speaker 3: of thing. And I think for so many of us,
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  Speaker 3: we become martyrs to the life that we've chosen. We've
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  Speaker 3: chosen at.
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  Speaker 1: I know the couple you're talking about, and the thing
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  Speaker 1: I know about them is that he would be fine.
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  Speaker 1: He would be thrilled for the opportunity to.
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  Speaker 3: Just and friends would step in, and you know, extended
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  Speaker 3: family would step in if it was needed, Like we
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  Speaker 3: don't have to be martyrs to the experiences that we're having,
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  Speaker 3: but so many of us choose to be because we
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  Speaker 3: can't fathom that somebody else will come along and do
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  Speaker 3: things differently. And that's what comes down to. Your husband
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  Speaker 3: will do things differently to you, and it is not
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  Speaker 3: necessarily going to look pretty and it's not necessarily going
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  Speaker 3: to be what you want. But are your children safe?
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  Speaker 3: Are your children going to be okay? Are your children
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  Speaker 3: going to enjoy the novelty of doing things differently? Possibly,
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  Speaker 3: and you're all going to be better off for it
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  Speaker 3: at the other end, because you come home refreshed, rejuvenated,
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  Speaker 3: and ready to jump back into life again. And your
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  Speaker 3: kids will either appreciate you more than they've ever appreciated
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  Speaker 3: you before because that totally messed it up, or be
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  Speaker 3: grateful to have you back because they've missed your presence.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, Okay. Up next, we need to talk
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  Speaker 1: about boys trips.
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  Speaker 3: So I've had a lot to say about girls trips
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  Speaker 3: because obviously I have now experienced them, But we're going
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  Speaker 3: to talk about boys trips. And what's interesting about this
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  Speaker 3: is you've actually never done one no no, and we've
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  Speaker 3: had conversations about this because you have seen the benefits
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  Speaker 3: that have come from me having a little bit of
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  Speaker 3: time away. And you made a decision last year that
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  Speaker 3: you were going to go on a surfing trip. That's right.
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  Speaker 1: I decided to book a surfing trip. I decided to
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  Speaker 1: book a boy's trip, and.
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  Speaker 3: Then you decided to invite me.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not sure that I decided to invite you so
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  Speaker 1: much as I told you where I was going and
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  Speaker 1: it was a bucket list destination, and you said, and
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  Speaker 1: then you look at me with those eyes, you can't
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  Speaker 1: put this one on me. You looked at me with
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  Speaker 1: those eyes and said, I've always wanted to go there.
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  Speaker 1: That's what you said.
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  Speaker 3: I did say that, but I think it had more
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  Speaker 3: to do with the fact that you didn't want to
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  Speaker 3: go to bed on your own each night.
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  Speaker 1: I travel so much, I spent so much time in hotels,
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  Speaker 1: and I didn't want to be on my own. And
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  Speaker 1: apart from that, only one of the guys said, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I'm in Ell. The other guys said no, you didn't
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  Speaker 1: want to have a romance, not at all. So as
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  Speaker 1: I've talked to other guys and listen to the conversations
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  Speaker 1: that happened, I just want to highlight that when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to boys trips, there are a few points of friction.
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  Speaker 1: There are a few unique obstacles that relate to boys trips.
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  Speaker 1: Boys don't or men husbands whatever, don't have the same
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  Speaker 1: I guess headache in terms of are you going to
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  Speaker 1: be all right honey if I leave for a few days.
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  Speaker 1: That seems to be a girl's thing. It seems to
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  Speaker 1: be a women thing.
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  Speaker 3: And I have again, as we've gone throughout married life together,
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  Speaker 3: the conversations I have with my friends whose husbands have
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  Speaker 3: had this boy's trip that.
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  Speaker 1: They do every year, right the golf trip or the
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  Speaker 1: fishing trip, or the surfing trip or the cycling trip order.
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  Speaker 3: It becomes a place of resentment in their relationship because
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  Speaker 3: the wife never does it, either from her own decision
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  Speaker 3: that it couldn't possibly work. I can't possibly do it,
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  Speaker 3: as in the case that we've just shared, or her
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  Speaker 3: husband never thinks to encourage her to do it. It's
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  Speaker 3: not it's not even a conversation piece. It's just accepted
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  Speaker 3: that I go off and do it, but you have
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  Speaker 3: to stay home and look after the kids because I
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  Speaker 3: couldn't possibly do your job.
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  Speaker 1: So my boys trip that you're coming along on is
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  Speaker 1: only a few weeks away, and I'm I'm so excited
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  Speaker 1: for it. I'm really really looking forward to.
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  Speaker 3: It, so am I Because while you're surfing, I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to sit in the mass argea, get a good massage
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  Speaker 3: and read a book by the police.
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  Speaker 1: So we're having a We're having a joint boys and
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  Speaker 1: girls trip. That's what I'm doing.
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  Speaker 3: Well, thankfully your mate's bringing his wife too, so we will.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So the the concerns that I see, the things
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  Speaker 1: that I see coming up. First off, often boys trips
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  Speaker 1: are associated with heavy drinking and rowdy behavior just boys
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  Speaker 1: being boys. I don't like that phrase, but I think
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  Speaker 1: that it says everything. And there's also and I really
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  Speaker 1: hate to say this, but I've heard too many stories
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  Speaker 1: of potential and fidelity that kind of thing. I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: Boys trips can absolutely trigger anxieties and partners about the
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  Speaker 1: excessive party and the temptations. Now. I know that plenty
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  Speaker 1: of girls go away and have lots of fun as well,
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  Speaker 1: but it seems like it's more likely to be associated
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  Speaker 1: with the boys trips. And there's also associated communication challenges.
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  Speaker 1: That's another thing that seems to come up. A lot
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  Speaker 1: men seem to be less inclined to talk about what
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: happened on their trip. It's that whole what happens in
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  Speaker 1: Vegas stays in Vegas kind of thing, and that can
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  Speaker 1: lead partners to have mistrust and suspicion and feel excluded.
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  Speaker 1: I just think it's not okay. I've also I heard
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: one person indicate that when they're hubby came home from
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: his trips, he's a bit grumpy for a bit, like
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  Speaker 1: instead of coming home refreshed and relaxed, he comes back
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  Speaker 1: and he's like and then there's friction like oh the kids,
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  Speaker 1: and oh I've just had all this me time and
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  Speaker 1: now I'm back into this rubbish, and there's almost like
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  Speaker 1: a lack of gratitude for the time away. It's more
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  Speaker 1: of a geez, I wish my life was like that
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  Speaker 1: all the time kind of thing.
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  Speaker 3: And I don't think that's gender related. I think that, well, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: you're probably right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So these are the challenges associated with it overall, though,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, I can't speak from experience. I'm looking forward
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: to speaking from experience, but well, yeah, I have to
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  Speaker 1: add another year. But when I do talk to my friends,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: who have had those trips. They relish them, they cherish them,
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  Speaker 1: they really look forward to them. One of my mates,
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  Speaker 1: he just saves up his money and flies into Melbourne
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: and goes to the wavepool there and he spends four
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: or five days at the wavepool, way cheaper than going
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  Speaker 1: away on a big holiday somewhere, and absolutely has a ball.
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  Speaker 1: And for him that's his annual boys trip, him and
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: a couple of mates. I'm thinking about joining him, except
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: I can't see the joy in sitting in a wave
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  Speaker 1: pool to going somewhere a bit more exotic or tropical
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: or even coffs harbor. I'll take coughs. Do you know
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  Speaker 1: what I mean? Okay, So we need to wrap this up.
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  Speaker 1: The voice trips, the girls trips. There are some challenges
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: around it. How do we overcome those common obstacles and
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: points of friction?
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  Speaker 3: So I've got three things. I think the people that
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: you spend time with matters and spouses are going to
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: be generally more supportive if they feel comfortable with the
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: people that you're spending time with, if they know that
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: you've got good friends who are great examples and uplift
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: and live, you know, good morals. Then the chance of
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  Speaker 3: your partner or spouse going awol in that situation is
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  Speaker 3: pretty limited. And the second thing would be that intention
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  Speaker 3: behind your time away matters.
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  Speaker 1: What's the purpose? Am I going away to party, party, party?
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  Speaker 1: Or am I going away because I want to ride
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  Speaker 1: my black up big hills or catch lots of waves?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah? I just need a break from the mental load.
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: I need to rejuvenate, restore all those things.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: Or have lots of massages at a health retreats of course. Yeah, sorry,
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  Speaker 1: I was thinking about me. I'm so sorry you said
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: three things.
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  Speaker 3: And lastly, communication, Communication is so important. If your husband
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: or partner has been having these men's trips for years
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: on end and you haven't, then it's about time that
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: we sit down and just acknowledge. I love that you
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: get to go and do this, but I'm at a
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  Speaker 3: point in my life where I'm actually starting to resent
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: it because I feel like I really need it. How
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: can we make this work?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? My summary point was just one. It was basically
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: the success of any trip, regardless of whether you're a
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: boy or a girl. Male female hinges on having a
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: healthy and trusting relationship. If your relationship's not a good place,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: this is probably going to sow the seeds of resentment
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: and suspicion. But if you've got open communication, mutual respect,
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: and a willingness to a willingness to work together to
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: make it work for one another, then everyone's going to
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: feel comfortable. Everyone's going to feel supported, And these can
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: be really enriching individual experiences but also ultimately be good
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: for the relationship.
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: And I think the only thing I want to say,
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: because so many people just feel like they just want
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: to put their husbands in the deep end and let
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: them kind of suffer through that experience. The chances of
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: this being an annual experience, if that's how you kind
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: of view things, is going to be probably very short
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: lived if we don't put some contingencies in place for them.
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: The reality is they don't do our job every day,
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: and so while we don't need to mother them, we
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: don't need to baby them. We don't need to, you know,
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: fill in every gap. Here's a list of people that
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: you can send the kids to for an hour for
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: a play, or here's a couple of freezer meals to
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: get you through. You'll be able to do four meals
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: on your own or whatever. But just making a little
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: bit of effort to help them know that they're not
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: on their own, because anyone who's been on their own
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: knows the weight of that.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rulant from
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. We hope it's giving you some inspirations, ideas,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: maybe sparks a conversation. Even if it only happens once
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: every two or three years, I think there's value in it.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: If you'd like more information about making your family happy,
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: we'd love for you to join us at happy families
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: dot com dot you check out our Happy Families membership.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: So many people are involved and making their families thrive
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: as a result. Happy families dot com dot Au. We'll
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: see on the podcast tomorrow