Latest / I Do, Part 2 / ASK AMY & T.J.: “I’m A Second Wife. My Husband’s Grandkids Aren’t a Problem, But Their Flirty Grandma Is. What Do I Do?”

Transcript

ASK AMY & T.J.: “I’m A Second Wife. My Husband’s Grandkids Aren’t a Problem, But Their Flirty Grandma Is. What Do I Do?” · I Do, Part 2

0:02
Speaker 1: Hey, there are folks. It is Monday, August eighteenth, and
0:05
Speaker 1: one of our readers to our Yahoo column Brenda. She
0:10
Speaker 1: wrote in and she needs a little relationship advice. You see,
0:13
Speaker 1: she's a second wife and her husband's grandkids. Well they're
0:18
Speaker 1: not the problem. Actually it's grandma. Yeah, grandma one if
0:24
Speaker 1: you will. So what exactly is a woman to do? Well?
0:27
Speaker 1: My take is, well, this does not have anything to
0:31
Speaker 1: do with anybody being a grandma or a granddad. This
0:34
Speaker 1: is just a classic old X story. And your take
0:38
Speaker 1: Rope initially.
0:39
Speaker 2: Was, uh, this is about respect. So when you have
0:43
Speaker 2: a second wife and you have to have a relationship
0:45
Speaker 2: with your first wife because of your children or your grandchildren, whatever,
0:48
Speaker 2: that is a lot of folks are familiar with this.
0:51
Speaker 2: If the ex is flirty, as Brenda is saying, and
0:55
Speaker 2: touchy feely, then yeah, it's a matter of respect. He
0:58
Speaker 2: needs to have some boundary.
1:00
Speaker 1: So yes, folks, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy
1:03
Speaker 1: and TJ, where we go through the new column of
1:06
Speaker 1: the week, that new column on Yahoo dot com and
1:09
Speaker 1: the life section you can check it out, where we
1:11
Speaker 1: give folks right into us asking questions about relationships and
1:15
Speaker 1: not just about romantic relationships. It could be with a coworker,
1:19
Speaker 1: with a friend, or with a relative of any kind.
1:21
Speaker 1: But we got a new one this week from Brenda
1:22
Speaker 1: and Robe. This has been a They're interesting in the
1:26
Speaker 1: back and forth and some of the details and the
1:28
Speaker 1: ones and the questions we've been getting are a little different,
1:31
Speaker 1: but they all really come down to a core principle
1:34
Speaker 1: and it might just be respect and overwhelmingly the ones
1:39
Speaker 1: we've been getting.
1:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's interesting because every problem, every question obviously is different,
1:44
Speaker 2: coming from a different person, from a completely different problem,
1:47
Speaker 2: and yet they all do seem to center. And then
1:49
Speaker 2: I started thinking about conflict in general, and doesn't it
1:51
Speaker 2: usually oftentimes revolve around boundaries and respect and not knowing
1:58
Speaker 2: how to create either, sometimes times from either end. So
2:01
Speaker 2: someone feels slided, someone feels like they're not getting what
2:06
Speaker 2: they need, and that's a lot of the miscommunication. I
2:09
Speaker 2: think that happens because people don't understand each other's needs,
2:11
Speaker 2: or at least they don't care to try and take
2:14
Speaker 2: them into account.
2:15
Speaker 1: And we want to thank everybody who has written in.
2:18
Speaker 1: I guess we're up to eight, nine, ten weeks of
2:21
Speaker 1: this that we've been doing it so far, but I
2:23
Speaker 1: mean it takes a lot to the only giving first
2:25
Speaker 1: names usually not identify themselves fully, but it takes a
2:28
Speaker 1: lot to write in and some of this stuff is
2:30
Speaker 1: incredibly personal. Some of it's embarrassing, you could argue. But
2:33
Speaker 1: nobody likes to feel like they're alone in their problem,
2:35
Speaker 1: but you usually do because you look on Instagram and
2:37
Speaker 1: everybody else's relationship is perfect, So why am I having problems?
2:41
Speaker 1: But really, some of these folks, and some of the
2:43
Speaker 1: answers as well, that the response is people have given
2:46
Speaker 1: have been very thoughtful and open.
2:47
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, And I think that's the whole reason why
2:50
Speaker 2: we were excited about this, because life is messy and
2:53
Speaker 2: we might not show it to everybody. But when you
2:55
Speaker 2: have the opportunity, perhaps to even be anonymous, you can
2:59
Speaker 2: kind of lean into your problems and recognize that, yes,
3:02
Speaker 2: we all have similar versions of them in our own
3:05
Speaker 2: lives if we're honest with ourselves. So this week's question
3:08
Speaker 2: comes to us from Brenda. How about we go ahead
3:10
Speaker 2: and read it in its entirety. Brenda writes this Amy
3:13
Speaker 2: and TJ. My husband has grandchildren from a previous marriage,
3:18
Speaker 2: which isn't a problem. However, their grandmother. Betty, the ex wife,
3:23
Speaker 2: is always around. I've told him I can tolerate her
3:27
Speaker 2: being there for things like their grandkid's graduation, but not
3:30
Speaker 2: every time we get invited somewhere. For example, last weekend,
3:34
Speaker 2: we were at a birthday party for someone on his
3:36
Speaker 2: side of the family, her ex in law. So she's
3:40
Speaker 2: no longer a part of that family, right, okay, so
3:42
Speaker 2: x in laws? Why is she there? And every time
3:45
Speaker 2: they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband.
3:49
Speaker 2: She just can't say hi and move along. I've asked
3:51
Speaker 2: him over and over to set boundaries, but he acts
3:54
Speaker 2: like he doesn't know what that means. I told him
3:56
Speaker 2: I am not comfortable going to our next event if
3:58
Speaker 2: she'll be there, and he said, Okay, I'm going anyway. Really,
4:03
Speaker 2: what do I do? Brenda?
4:06
Speaker 1: Your first question is? My first question is how long
4:09
Speaker 1: have you all been together? And how long was the
4:11
Speaker 1: first relationship? I just read again. This has been so
4:14
Speaker 1: interesting to go back and read this and follow along
4:17
Speaker 1: and read it this way. Now I'm thinking about it
4:20
Speaker 1: a lot differently, But that's my first question. How long
4:23
Speaker 1: have you two been married? And then how long was
4:25
Speaker 1: he married to the other? Because it's possible they've got
4:28
Speaker 1: a decade. We're talking about grandchildren. These are her grandchildren.
4:31
Speaker 2: That's fine, and I think that's fine obviously if she
4:33
Speaker 2: wants to be around the grandchildren. But I don't think
4:35
Speaker 2: it should matter how long they were married the X
4:38
Speaker 2: and him versus how long she is with her new husband.
4:41
Speaker 2: They are now the current relationship. It should be the
4:44
Speaker 2: most important relationship, and that should actually everything should trickle
4:48
Speaker 2: down from there. So I don't care what history you have.
4:51
Speaker 2: She's not asking him to be disrespectful, rude, or not
4:54
Speaker 2: pay attention. She's just saying, hey, can she not always
4:58
Speaker 2: be there? And when she's there, can you at least
5:00
Speaker 2: asked her not to touch, hug and kiss you.
5:03
Speaker 1: Let's take about the first problem that you don't want
5:05
Speaker 1: her there in the first does she have to always
5:07
Speaker 1: be there? So this is where my first question comes
5:10
Speaker 1: into play. If this woman, these kids, she's been in
5:14
Speaker 1: this family. We are possibly talking about twenty thirty forty
5:20
Speaker 1: plus years that she has been a part of this
5:23
Speaker 1: family unit. Now you're talking about grandkids. We don't know
5:25
Speaker 1: the ages, but we can assume they're fairly young, some
5:28
Speaker 1: formative years that grandma wants to be around for in
5:32
Speaker 1: every family event, every graduation, every dance, every birthday. Now
5:39
Speaker 1: for the family, it feels like something's missing. Oh, the
5:42
Speaker 1: lady who's been here for the past twenty years, grandma,
5:46
Speaker 1: So I'm saying, so I asked that she might for
5:49
Speaker 1: the rest of the family be family. We don't know
5:52
Speaker 1: anything else. And that's where I started with how long
5:55
Speaker 1: because she should be around I think almost for everything
5:58
Speaker 1: of those are her grandkids.
5:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't issue at all with the fact that
6:02
Speaker 2: ex wife slash grandma wants to be at the family
6:05
Speaker 2: functions and it seems as though is invited to the
6:07
Speaker 2: family functions and guess what new wife wife number two again,
6:11
Speaker 2: don't know how long you've been there. You don't get
6:13
Speaker 2: to decide who comes to other people's parties. So I
6:16
Speaker 2: do believe that, Sorry Brenda, but you don't get a
6:19
Speaker 2: say and whether or not she's there. You don't get
6:22
Speaker 2: to say whether or not she shows up because that's
6:24
Speaker 2: someone else's party, that someone else's graduation, that someone else's celebration,
6:27
Speaker 2: and if they want to invite the X she gets
6:30
Speaker 2: to be there. Now, where I do think Brenda gets
6:32
Speaker 2: to have the say in it is how she her
6:35
Speaker 2: husband interacts with his ex wife. I do think she
6:39
Speaker 2: does get a Saymas, we are.
6:40
Speaker 1: Not going to have any issues there. There is nothing
6:42
Speaker 1: to talk about there. I was trying to take it
6:44
Speaker 1: before we even got to the explosive car. I was
6:47
Speaker 1: trying to take it piecemeal. Let's take out the inappropriate
6:51
Speaker 1: hugging and touching and kissing or whatever. It would be
6:53
Speaker 1: annoying to have her always around, But can you see
6:57
Speaker 1: that possibly understandable that she would.
7:00
Speaker 2: Be Yeah, and I agree it can be annoying, but unfortunately,
7:03
Speaker 2: having been a second wife at least one time around,
7:07
Speaker 2: now that comes with the territory. When you enter into
7:11
Speaker 2: a relationship, and certainly a marriage with somebody who has
7:14
Speaker 2: had a previous family, that comes with him and you
7:18
Speaker 2: just have to accept it. And yes, I know, accepting
7:21
Speaker 2: kids and grandkids is one thing. Accepting an X is
7:23
Speaker 2: a lot harder, and that has to be really difficult.
7:26
Speaker 2: I feel for Brenda that's uncomfortable, that's it feels maybe
7:29
Speaker 2: even alienating. But that's where you just have to suck
7:32
Speaker 2: it up. I do believe you just have to say,
7:34
Speaker 2: this is the man I chose to marry, this is
7:37
Speaker 2: the relationship I chose to enter in, and it comes
7:39
Speaker 2: with a history, and it comes with, for lack of
7:41
Speaker 2: a better term, baggage, and that is something I've accepted
7:44
Speaker 2: by marrying him, Okay.
7:46
Speaker 1: And I'm not we are absolutely going to get to
7:48
Speaker 1: the inappropriate, the hugging and the kissing and being too
7:50
Speaker 1: close wrapping up though this idea just to her presence,
7:54
Speaker 1: what do you do here? I don't know what to do.
7:56
Speaker 1: How disrespectful and hurtful this can be. If she told
8:01
Speaker 1: him how uncomfortable she is that she does not want
8:04
Speaker 1: to go to the next event if the ex is
8:06
Speaker 1: going to be there, his response being well, I'm going anyway.
8:10
Speaker 1: There's got to be more to that conversation, because that's
8:14
Speaker 1: obviously the wrong thing to say.
8:16
Speaker 2: Clearly, we don't know how she said it to him,
8:18
Speaker 2: so oftentimes we I mean, anyone who's been in a
8:22
Speaker 2: relationship knows. So I'm the one who's upset. I kind
8:25
Speaker 2: of draw an ultimatum if she doesn't stop acting like that,
8:28
Speaker 2: I don't want to be at the next party, and
8:30
Speaker 2: I don't want us to go if she's going to
8:31
Speaker 2: be there, and he kind of gets annoyed that she's
8:33
Speaker 2: drawing an ultimatum, and so he says, I'm going anyway.
8:36
Speaker 2: You can see how that may have happened or escalated
8:39
Speaker 2: to that point.
8:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, So so to that part of the conversation. Look,
8:45
Speaker 1: the first part about her being around all the time, Yes,
8:48
Speaker 1: that's some stuff you just got to deal with. This
8:50
Speaker 1: next part about you've got to have a more respectful
8:53
Speaker 1: conversation than that. It can't be. I don't want you
8:55
Speaker 1: to go, well, I'm going anyway, end of story and
8:59
Speaker 1: end of relationship. You just you can't resolve anything no
9:01
Speaker 1: matter what you're talking about it. If you want to
9:03
Speaker 1: watch her tonight, I want to watch comedy, Okay, you
9:05
Speaker 1: go to that room. I goes that's not resolution of
9:08
Speaker 1: any kind. So you can't do that. This next part though,
9:12
Speaker 1: about the touchy feely, that doesn't necessarily make sense to me, sweetheart,
9:16
Speaker 1: because there's no one who would accept that in any relationship.
9:23
Speaker 2: Period.
9:24
Speaker 1: They just won't. So I don't I don't know why
9:26
Speaker 1: that's a debate of any kind, is she? I almost
9:29
Speaker 1: feel and I'm not knocking you here, Brenda for this
9:31
Speaker 1: for writing in it. Almost that's gotta be. It sounds
9:35
Speaker 1: so nuts as I feel like it's a misrepresentation, like
9:39
Speaker 1: maybe it's not that bad. So I'm trying to take
9:41
Speaker 1: Brenda at her word because I just don't understand how
9:44
Speaker 1: anybody would do this in front of their spouse be
9:49
Speaker 1: lovey dovey with an X.
9:51
Speaker 2: Well, maybe he's not being lovey dovey, but he's not
9:54
Speaker 2: stopping her from being lovey dovey. And I can look
9:57
Speaker 2: at it from a female perspective, and I could see
10:01
Speaker 2: a scenario in which Brenda's husband's ex her name is Betty,
10:05
Speaker 2: So I can see a scenario in which Betty feels
10:08
Speaker 2: her power. Betty knows she's pissing off Brenda. Betty knows
10:12
Speaker 2: it's upsetting Brenda. And how many first wives like the
10:14
Speaker 2: second wives and vice versa. That's a very difficult. I
10:19
Speaker 2: wouldn't want to call it a relationship situationship because it
10:22
Speaker 2: only happens when the two have to be in the
10:24
Speaker 2: same room together. So there is a bit of a
10:26
Speaker 2: power struggle that sometimes happens between the former and the
10:29
Speaker 2: current wife. And so I wouldn't put it past Betty,
10:33
Speaker 2: and I don't know her to lean into that because
10:36
Speaker 2: she knows, she knows she's getting under Brenda's skin and
10:41
Speaker 2: it's a power play, and the problem is the husband
10:45
Speaker 2: isn't stopping it. The husband isn't saying Betty, you can't
10:49
Speaker 2: keep coming up to me like this. Obviously it's not appropriate.
10:52
Speaker 2: Can you please just keep our contact. We can be
10:55
Speaker 2: as friendly and as cordial as we possibly can, but please,
10:57
Speaker 2: please please, let's let's not hug and kiss upsetting my wife.
11:01
Speaker 1: So now you've gotten to the dude part of it,
11:02
Speaker 1: I can understand, because the first part of that I
11:04
Speaker 1: didn't because it's not where a guy's head would ever be.
11:07
Speaker 1: I would this whole thing we've been I don't know.
11:09
Speaker 1: This question came to us and we answered this weeks
11:11
Speaker 1: ago for the column. It's never crossed my mind, this
11:15
Speaker 1: idea that women would be in some kind of powerful well.
11:17
Speaker 2: That's hilarious. It just doesn't first thing that pops in.
11:20
Speaker 1: You're right, and it makes sense now as you've said it.
11:22
Speaker 1: But my mind doesn't go there, and guy's minds maybe
11:24
Speaker 1: don't necessarily go there. But when you said that, okay,
11:28
Speaker 1: that so that's a whole new dynamic women within it.
11:31
Speaker 2: Two minutes, it might even be ninety seconds if meeting
11:35
Speaker 2: one another kind of know if they're going to like
11:37
Speaker 2: each other or not. I don't know what it is.
11:39
Speaker 2: It's this energy read that sometimes happened, and it doesn't
11:42
Speaker 2: happen between all women, but certainly women who are in
11:44
Speaker 2: adversarial roles. And I would argue that a first wife
11:46
Speaker 2: and a second wife are just almost in a way,
11:49
Speaker 2: in a competitive role. Not everybody, so I can get
11:53
Speaker 2: along very well.
11:54
Speaker 1: But by its very nature.
11:56
Speaker 2: Ye yes, just like from a like, just not even
11:59
Speaker 2: taking from a personal or specific point, just generally speaking,
12:03
Speaker 2: that could potentially be a powder keg an adversarial relationship.
12:09
Speaker 2: So then you add to it someone putting a little
12:11
Speaker 2: power play to it. That that is deliberate, that is
12:14
Speaker 2: not accidental, that is not whoopsie.
12:16
Speaker 1: So all right, you're saying this is what Betty's doing.
12:19
Speaker 2: I think this is, but Brenda is taking the bait.
12:22
Speaker 1: Oh go, go all we don't know Betty.
12:25
Speaker 2: And husband needs to step up.
12:26
Speaker 1: Okay. So here's the thing I told you. That was
12:28
Speaker 1: the part I absolutely couldn't relate to when you started
12:31
Speaker 1: talking about that, But then you got to the dude
12:33
Speaker 1: part of it. So now let me tell you the
12:35
Speaker 1: part of this all guys absolutely can relate to.
12:48
Speaker 2: Welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ. It's
12:51
Speaker 2: the Ask Amy and TJ edition of our podcast where
12:54
Speaker 2: we are going over our latest column in Yahoo on
12:58
Speaker 2: the Life section. This question, relationship question, came to us
13:02
Speaker 2: from Brenda. She is not happy about her husband's ex wife,
13:07
Speaker 2: the first wife, how she acts around her husband. And
13:10
Speaker 2: apparently the ex wife, whose name is Betty, is around
13:13
Speaker 2: all the time. See, they share grandkids together, and there
13:17
Speaker 2: are lots of moments where the families all come together,
13:20
Speaker 2: and Brenda isn't having how Betty is acting around her husband,
13:24
Speaker 2: and her husband seems to be doing nothing about it
13:27
Speaker 2: at all.
13:27
Speaker 1: And let's not put words in Brenda's mouth here. Where
13:31
Speaker 1: is it about the hugging and kissing Here? Every time
13:35
Speaker 1: they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband.
13:38
Speaker 1: She can't just say hi and move along. That's the
13:41
Speaker 1: only description we've got of the behavior is she is
13:44
Speaker 1: hugging and kissing on my husband. Now, the part I
13:48
Speaker 1: didn't understand you said, immediately when you saw this scenario,
13:52
Speaker 1: you thought this was women going at it, and maybe
13:55
Speaker 1: that's something that women listening to this immediately recognized that.
13:58
Speaker 1: Me as a guy, I did until you said, look.
14:00
Speaker 2: I'd love it if it weren't true. And I am
14:02
Speaker 2: certainly taking or making some assumptions here, but my thought
14:05
Speaker 2: is that, yes, first wife just putting a little power
14:09
Speaker 2: play on second wife, and it wouldn't be surprising to
14:12
Speaker 2: me if she was doing it deliberately because she can see.
14:15
Speaker 2: And by the way, you can tell if someone is
14:17
Speaker 2: irritated or annoyed or you're pissing them off. And so
14:20
Speaker 2: I think that possibly Betty might be getting a little
14:23
Speaker 2: enjoyment out of upsetting Brenda.
14:25
Speaker 1: Okay, so you said that once you said, I'm like, okay, yes,
14:28
Speaker 1: that makes perfect sense, but my mind didn't go there. However,
14:31
Speaker 1: I have been struggling robes to understand why this guy.
14:36
Speaker 1: This is very simple to shut this down, like, it's
14:39
Speaker 1: very easy. This is the woman you want to be with.
14:41
Speaker 1: Now you've committed to her. You all are married. There's
14:43
Speaker 1: nothing else there is. I don't you know what. Of all,
14:47
Speaker 1: there's not a woman in the world that should be
14:49
Speaker 1: hugging and kissing on him in front of his wife.
14:51
Speaker 2: Not one, you know what. I so agree with you.
14:53
Speaker 2: Maybe his mother or his sister, Okay, and that's it.
14:55
Speaker 1: But of all women in the world, the last one
14:59
Speaker 1: to be doing it should be his ex wife in
15:02
Speaker 1: front of his current wife. So I am confused as
15:06
Speaker 1: to why that's possible. And then you put that scenario
15:09
Speaker 1: in my head, and I'm like, Oh, he's loving the attention.
15:13
Speaker 2: And that's what I think. I think this is loveing Meg.
15:16
Speaker 2: Who doesn't slightly in the back of their mind, doesn't
15:20
Speaker 2: want to admit it, but doesn't who doesn't like being
15:23
Speaker 2: fought over? You're so valuable. You've got two women who
15:26
Speaker 2: are clearly fighting for you or over you, and maybe
15:29
Speaker 2: in some way that feels kind of good.
15:32
Speaker 1: Okay, I know I want to give him the benefit
15:34
Speaker 1: of the doubt, but I cannot make any sense out
15:36
Speaker 1: of why he would allow and this to go on.
15:40
Speaker 1: You you don't have to even put your ex wife
15:43
Speaker 1: in check. This is just a matter of no, You're
15:45
Speaker 1: not going to participate in anything like that in front
15:48
Speaker 1: of your wife. I don't understand it. And then you
15:52
Speaker 1: put that scenario, So maybe that is the best thing
15:55
Speaker 1: I can come up with to explain why he would
15:58
Speaker 1: let this go on.
15:59
Speaker 2: Well, part of my advice to Brenda was to put
16:02
Speaker 2: it to him like this, can you reverse the roles?
16:05
Speaker 2: Can you imagine if a man who I had slept with,
16:08
Speaker 2: had children with, share grandchildren with, is now coming up
16:13
Speaker 2: in front of you and kissing me and hugging me
16:16
Speaker 2: and being touchy feely and not just saying hi and by,
16:19
Speaker 2: but lingering and flirting, how would you feel like? Just
16:24
Speaker 2: put yourself in that position and imagine how that would
16:27
Speaker 2: make you feel as a partner.
16:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the answer is pretty simple. So this one
16:32
Speaker 1: seemed very simple. Obviously, their details or whatnot we cannot
16:36
Speaker 1: We will never know. But this is a simple matter
16:39
Speaker 1: we go through about respect, and we have all learned lessons.
16:44
Speaker 1: We've all been disrespected in relationships. We've all inadvertently sometimes
16:48
Speaker 1: and some people just do it blatantly with disrespect and relationships.
16:51
Speaker 1: But that is so so key. And here's another example,
16:54
Speaker 1: and again that it's common ropes. Like I said, we
16:57
Speaker 1: all deal with this thing about respect. The scenarios have
17:00
Speaker 1: to do with it, even if some of the details.
17:03
Speaker 2: Change exactly, it comes down to the same theme. What
17:05
Speaker 2: would you What did you tell Betty to do? What
17:08
Speaker 2: should she do? I think that she should say something.
17:12
Speaker 2: The worst thing she could do is say nothing and
17:14
Speaker 2: just have this resentment. I know she's already said something,
17:17
Speaker 2: and she's already kind of drawn an ultimatum. But I
17:19
Speaker 2: think she needs to actually explain to her husband how
17:23
Speaker 2: she feels, ask him to reverse the rules and ask
17:26
Speaker 2: him how he would feel, and get him to understand
17:28
Speaker 2: how devastating it feels to her, and how scary it
17:32
Speaker 2: feels to her, and how threatening it feels to her.
17:34
Speaker 2: I know it's hard sometimes too. Instead of just we
17:37
Speaker 2: all want to point the fingers that you did this,
17:38
Speaker 2: and you didn't do this, and you should do this.
17:40
Speaker 2: But instead instead of saying, you start with I. I know,
17:43
Speaker 2: I well, that sounds very like something you've learned in therapy,
17:45
Speaker 2: but it certainly is. If you say, I am feeling
17:48
Speaker 2: really vulnerable, I'm feeling really threatened, and when you allow
17:52
Speaker 2: this to happen, it scares me. I feel like somehow
17:55
Speaker 2: our relationship is threatened. Please, please, please, can you help
17:58
Speaker 2: me by doing this and say it in a sweet way,
18:01
Speaker 2: in a loving way, And because I want a relationship
18:04
Speaker 2: to continue to grow and flourish, this is this is
18:07
Speaker 2: really causing a major problem for me.
18:09
Speaker 1: But you can imagine there's probably some insecurity in that
18:12
Speaker 1: he was with this woman, and we could only get
18:14
Speaker 1: we're talking about grandkids, somebody he was with twenty thirty
18:17
Speaker 1: plus years in all likelihood, how long has he been
18:21
Speaker 1: married to this woman? Now? Probably not that long, if
18:24
Speaker 1: you could argue she probably does still feel some competition
18:27
Speaker 1: or this is so yeah, he has all now she
18:29
Speaker 1: has the witness all this he established in a family.
18:32
Speaker 2: And you know what's happening in front of everyone too,
18:34
Speaker 2: which I think adds to it. It adds to that
18:37
Speaker 2: feeling of yeah, of vulnerability that somehow everyone else has
18:41
Speaker 2: this long standing history together and you're the odd man out,
18:44
Speaker 2: and so I just I would hope that he could
18:46
Speaker 2: be sensitive to what that feels like going into another
18:49
Speaker 2: family that has roots that you don't have.
18:52
Speaker 1: You know what that is? You know, that's a good
18:53
Speaker 1: lesson to everybody. Look, you and I. Look, there's a
18:56
Speaker 1: reason people come up to us on the street and
18:59
Speaker 1: people write to us here. No matter what people think
19:01
Speaker 1: about our relationship and how it started, it's something we
19:04
Speaker 1: are proud of, despite the lie that's been told about
19:08
Speaker 1: our relationship and how it started. But so many people
19:11
Speaker 1: walk up to us and are constantly having a conversation
19:14
Speaker 1: about what should I do? I went through this, it
19:18
Speaker 1: becomes a safe place, and this woman as well, and
19:23
Speaker 1: asking this question. We have all dealt with and you
19:25
Speaker 1: and I have dealt with me bringing you into an
19:28
Speaker 1: environment or you bringing me into an environment where you
19:32
Speaker 1: always feel kind of on edge, like you're being pulled
19:35
Speaker 1: in this direction. I've got to make sure my new
19:37
Speaker 1: person's happy, or I got to make sure my family's happy.
19:39
Speaker 1: I got to make sure everybody's getting along. That's tough,
19:42
Speaker 1: what they've laid out here with grand children, all this
19:44
Speaker 1: stuff and all this scenario is something a bunch of
19:48
Speaker 1: us deal with. Yeah, you're trying to balance. I mean,
19:50
Speaker 1: I deal with this with you and Sabine. Sometimes not
19:52
Speaker 1: the case anymore. I want to make sure I'm giving
19:55
Speaker 1: the right amount of attention to you and to her,
19:57
Speaker 1: and that we're all getting enough attention together. These things,
20:00
Speaker 1: it's just there. And this sounds like one of those
20:04
Speaker 1: scenarios on a bunch grander scale. Yeah, and that's uncomfortable.
20:08
Speaker 1: It's awkward, and it takes like trust and time and
20:12
Speaker 1: sometimes years to get to a comfortable spot.
20:14
Speaker 2: I think that's so well said, babe, and it's something
20:17
Speaker 2: that so many people deal with. And I think at
20:19
Speaker 2: the end of the day, if you have chosen this
20:21
Speaker 2: person to spend your life with, you have to put
20:23
Speaker 2: them first. And it doesn't mean you have to be
20:25
Speaker 2: disrespectful to anyone else who's important in your life, but
20:28
Speaker 2: you have to put that relationship first and understand and
20:32
Speaker 2: respect each other's needs and but you have to communicate
20:35
Speaker 2: them effectively and not emotionally. And that's really hard to
20:37
Speaker 2: do sometimes.
20:38
Speaker 1: And that's a balance, right, he should be respecting maybe
20:42
Speaker 1: his marriage more. She maybe should be respecting his history,
20:45
Speaker 1: his family has passed a little more. There's a balance there.
20:48
Speaker 1: These two could be okay, But that's a tough one.
20:51
Speaker 1: We've all I didn't think again, this stuff hits me
20:54
Speaker 1: once we start doing this, even though we've thought about
20:57
Speaker 1: this scenario before, but it hits me here and never
20:59
Speaker 1: really put us in, all of us in that scenario. Interesting.
21:04
Speaker 2: Well, we want to thank Brenda for writing in and
21:07
Speaker 2: we want to actually encourage any of you listening to this.
21:09
Speaker 2: Please please please go look at the column, read all
21:12
Speaker 2: through it, and then leave a comment because we'll follow
21:15
Speaker 2: up later this week. We'll go through all of your comments.
21:17
Speaker 2: You all have amazing advice and sometimes it has some
21:20
Speaker 2: very funny anecdotal just experiences that relate to this, We
21:25
Speaker 2: appreciate it. It just it's nice to have everyone talking, communicating,
21:29
Speaker 2: understanding each other and maybe learning something in the process.
21:31
Speaker 1: And don't be mean. We appreciate you being open and honest.
21:33
Speaker 1: Some people have been very open, yes, and admitting some
21:37
Speaker 1: things in our own past to relate, so we appreciate that.
21:39
Speaker 1: Don't be means of these folks. We're all trying to
21:41
Speaker 1: give everybody, the husband, the wife, and the ex wife.
21:43
Speaker 1: Everybody has the benefit of the that.
21:44
Speaker 2: I'm going to believe everyone who listens to this podcast
21:47
Speaker 2: is not one of the mean ones. They're one of
21:48
Speaker 2: the good ones.
21:49
Speaker 1: Right, And please feel free to leave your We'll give
21:52
Speaker 1: you credit with your name and a locator if you
21:54
Speaker 1: can tell us where you are, it would be nice
21:56
Speaker 1: to know where in the country you are you write.
21:58
Speaker 2: It all right, Well, thank you all for listening to
22:00
Speaker 2: us today. We hope you have a wonderful Monday and
22:03
Speaker 2: rest of your week, and we'll see us soon.