Latest / Sober Readings / Came To Believe - Ch 4
Transcript
- Scott Hayes: Hey everybody, welcome back to Sober Readings. Today is Sunday the thirtieth of August. This is a Came to Believe edition of Sober Readings. I'm gonna read some stories from a chapter in the book Came to Believe. But before we get started with that, let's get to the serenity prayer. God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So in the last Came to Believe episode, we finished chapter three. So this week we're starting on chapter four, which is titled Release from Obsession, and I'll read the intro now. In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try AA principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension. Freedom under God as we understand Him. That was written by Bill W. in a letter in 1966. Alright, let's get started on chapter 4. Total Surrender. What has always impressed me most about the program and myself is the constant, continuing challenge to try recapturing some of the true and honest rapture I felt upon total surrender when I first came into AA. For me, that special peace of mind has never been duplicated. Now, after all the accumulated 24 hour periods, I realize that it probably never will be. I have come close to it a few times, but it's never the same. I think there is a relationship between that feeling and our need at the time we were introduced to the program. Our motivation, I believe, is a combination of enough hurt and the grace of God. Surely a strange combination. I would not know how to express it to anyone outside AA. ⁓ And that short writing comes from DePlain, Illinois. The next writing is titled He Took Control. I could not believe sobriety would benefit me. With a working wife, a beautiful home, a big, impressive automobile, and credit cards in my pocket, who needed help? I could not believe there would be any fun in life without booze, nightclubs, and honky tonk angels. I could not believe those rummies in AA were as interested in my welfare as they claimed to be. And I certainly couldn't believe that people who admitted having spent time in the funny farm could show me a better way of life. Nor did I need them to tell me about God. My grandmother, my aunts, and many other people had tried that. Although not caring to be called a Christian, I did believe there was a God of some sort, somewhere, who would help me if I really needed outside help. But I was man enough and smart enough to help myself, so I wasn't asking God or anyone else for help. In those last three years, while playing Revolving Door with the fellowship, I drank up all my excuses for not needing AA. One evening I sat alone in my apartment, counting my bankroll. 89 cents. There was no food in my apartment. Should I spend 85 cents for another bottle of wine? Yes, I had to. It would be impossible for me to face the world in the morning without a drink. But then I really didn't have to face the world in the morning because I no longer had a job to go to, nor a wife to nag at me. nor kids to badger me for school money. What could I do? My mind became hopelessly weary at this point, and refused even to attempt a decision. Desperately hoping he might be listening, I knelt beside my empty wine bottle and prayed very simply, ⁓ God, please help me. The answer came immediately. I knew I could somehow get through the night and even face the morning light without another bottle. The next day, I went to a rehabilitation house for alcoholic men. During my stay, attending AA meetings daily and talking about alcoholism and sobriety with people whose personal sobriety ranged from one day to twenty five years, I came to believe. The higher power had taken away, for that one night, my constant craving for alcohol, and he had guided me back to AA. But the craving for booze came back to me. I had to fight it constantly, even though I was sincerely trying to work the AA program. When the steps were read, God as we understood him bothered me. These people had something I was unable to grasp. I had never been able to understand God, and still didn't. Changing his name to Higher Power didn't help any. One of the old timers used the electricity metaphor, which I later found in the big book. A person walking into a dark room does not worry about understanding electricity, he said. He just finds the switch and turns on the light. He explained that we can turn on the switch of spirituality by simply asking God each morning for another day of sobriety and thanking him at night for another beautiful sober day. He said, Do it mechanically if you really don't believe in it. But do it every day. There is probably no one who really understands the wonderful ways of the higher power. And we don't need to. He understands us. So I prayed every morning and night. Sometimes I meant it, sometimes I didn't. I got a job because I was no longer afraid to ask for one. It was not the type of job to be proud of, and the paycheck was small. However, it made me self-supporting, and I moved from the rehab to a little apartment. One Saturday evening my pity pot got too big for me and I fell in. Here was I, two months sober, trying so hard to work the program, being so honest that it hurt, continually fighting that physical craving for a drink. And what had it gotten me? Nothing. Living alone in a dingy place, working at a job I despised, earning barely enough to spare a quarter for the no fees basket. To hell with it, I might as well be drunk. Heading for the territory I had favored during the latter period of my bar drinking, I unconsciously made three wrong turns, on streets I know, as you know your own living room, and wound up in an AA club. I was out of the car and up on the porch before realizing I had driven the wrong way. Well, I'd go in and say goodbye. Somehow, I wound up going to a nearby meeting with two AA friends, and the meeting was so good that it completely washed the bar hopping idea out of my mind. When I walked into my apartment and flipped the light switch, another light came on, a light inside my thick skull. That night I fervently thanked the God that I did not understand for taking complete control of my mind and body long enough to deliver me to my AA friends, thereby saving me from one drunk too many. Then and there I came to believe that God could and would do for me what no human power could. Since that time, I have not had a craving for a drink of alcohol. Since that time, I have come to believe that anything relevant to the better life is made possible by daily living the AA way with the help of an understanding God whom I still do not understand. San Diego, California And this next piece is a very short writing titled Under God, in fact it's only two sentences long. The desire to drink was removed and never returned once I accepted Step Three, during a terrific storm in the North Pacific. After all, you don't have much to say about it. Lloyd's of London's definition of a master of a ship is Captain Under God. And that's written by AA Internationalists. And the next reading in chapter four is titled A New Feeling. Since childhood I have believed in God, but I quit going to church when the booze took over. For eleven years I did not have a sober day, except a few times when I was hospitalized or under a doctor's care. I prayed many times, but I felt I was not getting through to God. One day toward the end of those years I made the mistake of mixing liquor with medication given me by my neighborhood doctor. My wife was sure I was dead. The next day, the doctor said that if his phone had been tied up for just minutes when she called, he would have been too late. My heartbeat and pulse were gone when he arrived. Still, after two weeks of recovery in the hospital, and then eight more weeks on the wagon, I began drinking again. Within two months, I reached a point where I wanted to die and could not. Down in Texas, my sister had met an AA and after receiving a letter from her, I agreed to get in touch with a member in my town. I would have bet ten dollars to a plugged nickel it was a false alarm. But I did go to meet him. He lent me his big book. and advised me to try to read it with a clear head and meet him the following Thursday night and attend an AA meeting. I told my wife I had never talked to a man who seemed to understand my problem as he did. About seven PM I went into the bathroom, to the medicine cabinet where I kept my liquor, and took a drink from a pint I had just bought. Now I was ready to read the AA book. After reading about an hour, I automatically got up to get another drink, but I stopped. Remembering I had promised to read with a clear head. So I postponed the drink and kept on reading. When I came to the chapter, We Agnostics, I read, We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a power greater than myself? This impressed me very much. All the same, I went to the bathroom to take one big drink before retiring. As I had done every night for years. As I reached for the bottle, the thought occurred to me that, just maybe, if I asked God for a little help, he might hear me. I turned out the light, and for the first time in my life, I talked to God with all honesty and sincerity. Dear God, if you will, listen to me. I am, as you know, absolutely no good to my family, my friends, and myself. This liquor has beaten me down to the ground. And I am unable to do anything about it. Now, if you will, let me get a night's rest without this drink. I went to bed. The first thing I knew, it was 6 30 a.m., time to get up. When I sat on the side of the bed, for the first time in years, I didn't have the cold sweats and shakes. I decided I must have gotten up and drunk some more liquor in the early morning hours. But no, the bottle was there just as I had left it the night before. I shaved without having to take on six or eight ounces of liquor first. I went out into the kitchen and told my wife about this change and the new feeling I had. I even drank a cup of coffee holding the cup with one hand, instead of pouring it into a bowl and holding it with both hands. If God is helping me, I said, I sure hope he keeps on. She said he would if I tried to help myself. Thursday night I did meet the AA man, and we attended my first AA meeting. And I met the finest and most understanding people I had ever known. I was forty-three then. I am now seventy-one. I can honestly say that I have never even come close to a sip. And with God as my silent partner, I am sure I can make it another twenty-four hours. Evansville, Indiana. And the last story that I'll read today from chapter four is titled Use Me. After joining AA in October, I drank on Christmas Day and again on New Year's Eve, and no disaster followed. I returned to my AA group feeling as smug as anything, because I had survived the holidays. I would lick this thing yet. It hadn't gotten the better of me. Two weeks later, I was suddenly taken drunk. I hadn't planned it. I hadn't even thought about it. I just started drinking, and I couldn't seem to stop until I passed out. Something was wrong with me. I was sick with a sickness that went deep into my very soul. I couldn't stand myself. I couldn't look my children in the face. I couldn't face anything. I dragged myself back to the AA group, and I listened and I heard for the first time. That night I returned to my home in a state of numbness. I was up against something I didn't know how to cope with. My luck wasn't going to change. I was going to have to change. But could I? God as I understood him, surely was disgusted with me by now. I had bargained and cajoled and broken every promise I had ever made to him. How could I turn to him now? As I sat in that empty room, I could hear the words for God so loved the world, for God so loved the world. The words that I finally uttered seemed to have been wrung from me. ⁓ dear God, where am I going to find the strength to overcome my alcoholism? The voice that answered was calm and sweet beyond description. You have the strength. All you have to do is use it. I am here, I am with you, use me. I was born again that day. From that moment the compulsion was lifted. In the eleven years since I have found in sobriety what I was searching for in the bottle. I wanted peace. God gave me peace. I wanted acceptance. God accepted me. I wanted to be loved. God assured me that He loved me. My children are grown now, and they are beautiful children who daily, routinely practice the principles of the AA program love and service and honesty. We all grew up together, and that makes us good friends. Honolulu, Hawaii. And I'll stop right there for today. Join me next Sunday for the conclusion of chapter four, where I'll read the remaining stories. And then after that, we'll start on chapter five, which is titled A Spiritual Awakening. That's a really good chapter, and I'm looking forward to reading that one. So thanks for joining me on this spiritual Sunday. I'll call it that since one of my friends from my morning meeting started using that term, and I am totally going to steal it. Hey, if you'd like to join me on the program next week and help me read the rest of chapter four, or the following week to read chapter five, or any week for that matter, to help me read any of the chapters out of the Came to Believe book or during the week to help me read any of the other books that I read. I would love to have you. All you need to do is send me an email at sober readingswithscmail.com and we can certainly easily make that happen. I'd love to have you. Alright, so that's gonna do it for today's episode of Sober Readings. Again, thank you so much for listening. Stay sober, keep reading, and I'll catch you in the next episode. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other. And remember, just for today Don't drink, go to a meeting, and keep coming back. Have a great day, everyone, and as my friend Larry says, best day ever.