Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #74: Mental Health and Your Adult Child | What a Parenting Expert Wants Parents to Know

Transcript

#74: Mental Health and Your Adult Child | What a Parenting Expert Wants Parents to Know · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_02: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older children in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
0:08
SPEAKER_02: If you're here, it's probably because you're looking for a way to help your young adults move forward in life, because watching them waste their potential doing nothing all day while you do everything is driving you mad and making you sad.
0:23
SPEAKER_02: I'm glad you found launch because I know you'll learn strategies, steps, and solutions to most of your issues.
0:31
SPEAKER_02: Stay with me, and you'll discover that there is a way through this.
0:35
SPEAKER_02: It might take some time as you learn a new way of parenting, but it will be worth it in the end.
0:41
SPEAKER_02: Today, my esteemed guest is Dr.
0:44
SPEAKER_02: Jerry Weicheman, a clinical psychologist, adolescent specialist, and parenting expert who has spent the last 27 years helping more than 6,500 families navigate some of the toughest challenges that young people face today, from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, gaming addiction, and more.
1:05
SPEAKER_02: He's the founder of the Weichman Clinic and the creator of the podcast Raising Families with Dr.
1:12
SPEAKER_02: Jerry.
1:13
SPEAKER_02: In today's conversation, Dr.
1:15
SPEAKER_02: Jerry shares his bag of mental health tools with us, and there are a lot of them.
1:20
SPEAKER_02: We cover so many topics: how to stop overthinking, the importance of building resilience, why kids are struggling so much, and how to help your young adult move forward.
1:31
SPEAKER_02: You might even want to take notes because Dr.
1:34
SPEAKER_02: Jerry shares practical tips for developing a healthy mindset that work for the entire family.
1:40
SPEAKER_02: This conversation will give you hope.
1:43
SPEAKER_02: Remember to hit the follow or subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
1:47
SPEAKER_02: Share it with someone you love.
1:49
SPEAKER_02: And as always, thank you for spending your time with me today.
1:53
SPEAKER_02: Let's get started.
1:55
SPEAKER_02: Dr.
1:55
SPEAKER_02: Jerry Weichman, welcome to launch.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for having me.
2:00
SPEAKER_02: I am so excited.
2:02
SPEAKER_02: I am really ready for this conversation, even though it sounds like technically I'm not ready.
2:06
SPEAKER_02: I am mentally ready for this.
2:08
SPEAKER_02: So I think it's because we had such a great conversation when we first spoke.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
2:13
SPEAKER_02: So before we dive into your bag of mental health tricks, which I'm really looking forward to, I'd love to start with you.
2:21
SPEAKER_02: Um, everyone has a story, you know, something that has shaped them long before their academic degrees and their accolades.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: So can you share with the listener what adversity you faced in your personal life that fueled your passion for this work?
2:38
SPEAKER_02: Because personally, I believe that, you know, talking about who we are and, you know, what happened to us in our lives helps the listener understand why our message is so important.
2:51
SPEAKER_02: So please share that lovely story.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I was kind of, as most people are, forged into what I'm doing today by a bunch of different things that happened.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: When my mom was pregnant with me, she was bleeding profusely.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: And the doctor told her if you don't take this medicine, you're gonna lose your baby.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: And it was known at the time to cause birth deficiencies.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: And so when I was born, I was born with the right foot with no bones in it and a deformed left foot that was half the width, half the length with three toes on it.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: And uh my parents were told I was never gonna walk.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: And fortunately, uh they connected with UCLA in Southern California.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: And when I was four months old, I had that appendage amputated so I could be fitted walking in a prosthesis.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: So I was probably four or five months behind everybody else on walking.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: And of course, as an elementary school kid, um people found out and I started getting teased and bullied a lot.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: And my parents weren't really equipped to be able to help me with any of these challenges that I was struggling with.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: So it really forced me.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: I remember being in third or fourth grade and really having a really challenging time in my life and thinking to myself, I'm all alone in this.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: And either I'm gonna fold and go down the vortex with this thing, or I'm gonna figure out my way out of this and I'm not gonna give up.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: And it kind of started this process for me of identifying what's the problem, what's the fix.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: I would lay in bed in the middle of the night and play with different and create different tools to see if I felt better or worse and how I was feeling.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: And I think it set the tone for me continuing to think that way all the way through adolescence and definitely in my grad school program, um, into my after getting my PhD and creating all these different tools really stemmed from uh my thinking outside of the box.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't just taking what they give you.
4:53
SPEAKER_00: I was thinking there's all these other ways to fix these problems.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: What are they?
4:56
SPEAKER_00: And once I arrived at them, and a lot of these were challenges in my life that I was working out too, and I realized a lot of these things were brought to me for me to learn to figure out, but it wasn't just for me, it was for me to teach all these other people and families that I was going to work with in the future how to navigate as well.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: And something pretty cool that happened also that came out of that was I ended up uh being blessed with some athletic ability and um got recruited and played Division I college football.
5:26
SPEAKER_02: Some athletic ability.
5:30
SPEAKER_02: I think I have some athletic ability because I play tennis.
5:35
SPEAKER_02: That's incredible.
5:36
SPEAKER_02: I love that story.
5:37
SPEAKER_02: Um so the last time we spoke, uh, you made a few comments that I wrote down that I would love for you to elaborate on, because I think they would be very helpful to this listening audience.
5:52
SPEAKER_02: So you said thinking causes problems and actions makes problems.
6:00
SPEAKER_02: So let's talk about that because so many young adults today are anxious overthinkers, especially this this uh audience, their parents, the parents of these kids.
6:11
SPEAKER_02: And these over overthinkers need to understand that if they don't find ways to stop ruminating and spinning, that they will continue to have a very, very hard time moving forward in life.
6:26
SPEAKER_02: So what mental health tools can you suggest to help reduce overthinking?
6:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, I really saw a really big uptick in overthinking after the pandemic when we were quarantining.
6:41
SPEAKER_00: And look, there's a reason why when you go to jail, the worst punishment you can have is solitary confinement.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: Because what happens?
6:48
SPEAKER_00: You you sit in there and you think, and when you think you don't think good things, and it creates a house of horrors in your head, and even the toughest guys just want to get out.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: So there was definitely an increase after the pandemic.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: And what happened was where I was seeing so many people that were taking all of these situations that they couldn't control that were bothering them, that were always negative situations or anxiety-provoking situations.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: And what they would do was they would put a mint, what I call the mental magnifying glass on that problem in their mind, and they would intensify it and intensify it and intensify it.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: They just keep thinking about the problem itself.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: And all of this, all this does is it increases drastically the intensity of the experience and the duration of the experience.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: And so when I'm talking to the patients and the clients that I'm working with, it's so much about less about the thinking and more about the actions, because thoughts typically create problems.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: You can't be anxious or stressed or nervous or worried without thoughts first.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: What we think then creates how we feel.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: So if that's how this works, then it's really about learning how to take the mental magnifying glass off the problem.
8:06
SPEAKER_00: And if we're going to spend time thinking, it's thinking about what action we take to fix the problem.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: Because thoughts create problems, actions fix problems.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: But you get these people.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: I like to think visually and speaking analogies.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: And this is the best one I've come up with for this with the you know, the adolescents, young adults that I work with.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: It's, you know, when they're focusing on these negative situations, it's I ask them, hey, did you ever have a dog growing up?
8:32
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: Did you ever pick up dog poop?
8:34
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: Before you tied that bag up, did you ever bring it right to your face and stick your nose in there and put your finger in there to see what the dog ate?
8:41
SPEAKER_00: And they they look at me going, no.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: And I said, Look, it's the same thing you're doing your mind with the poopy stuff that's happened.
8:48
SPEAKER_00: You control what you think, you control what you feel because life and people don't.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: We do.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: We control how we think and feel.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: No one else can control our thoughts and feelings.
8:59
SPEAKER_00: And even if you're focused on something that's really bad, you can choose to not put the magnifying glass on that.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: You can think about anything else.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: You can think about your first boyfriend from or girlfriend from that you ever had, or your first kiss, or your best experience ever.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden you're taking the magnifying glass off.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: So if we're gonna spend any time thinking, it needs to be what's the action I take to fix my problem.
9:26
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
9:27
SPEAKER_01: But uh, you know how many people will probably say this to you easier said than done.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: Everything is.
9:33
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:33
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: It's you know, part of the problem is we don't make our mental health as high of a priority as it needs to be.
9:41
SPEAKER_00: And the problem with this is mental health, whether you're a parent or you're a young adult, it impacts you all day, every day, regardless of age.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: It impacts your drive, energy, motivation, focus, relationships with others, your job, your work, a sport if you play one.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: It impacts everything.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: And we're not taking care of it.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: I mean, if your check engine light goes on in your car, we all stop and get it checked out because it's an engine.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: We need this car to get through life.
10:10
SPEAKER_00: And to me, that's what mental health is.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: But right now, we have all these people that are not making mental health their number one priority.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: And so they're driving around with their check engine light and smoke coming out the back and going, Oh, might be my breaks.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: I'll check it out in like six weeks.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: It's just it's not gonna, it's not gonna work out that way.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: You've got to make it a higher priority.
10:29
SPEAKER_02: Right.
10:29
SPEAKER_02: Now, here's what I notice the parents that I speak to, they're all aware, very aware that their uh young adults are experiencing mental health issues.
10:39
SPEAKER_02: They they tell me right away they're depressed, they're anxious.
10:43
SPEAKER_02: Um so being aware is not the solution, knowing that just seeing the the light, engine light on is not gonna fix it.
10:51
SPEAKER_02: So I love I love that you're saying make it a priority.
10:55
SPEAKER_02: But how do these parents go about making their uh young adults' mental health a priority other than just saying yes, they have this depression or anxiety?
11:07
SPEAKER_02: What can they actually do about it?
11:09
SPEAKER_02: Especially because this this cohort of young adults in a way, they almost it's a badge of honor.
11:16
SPEAKER_02: I'm depressed, I'm anxious, and then they don't do anything about it.
11:19
SPEAKER_02: So what's what can how do we move the needle?
11:22
SPEAKER_00: Right.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: They uh uh a lot of the a lot of them like to what we call sit in their feelings.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and that's it it's not gonna help.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: It just makes it worse.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: And the hard part here is a parent, and it's very hard when you're watching your kid struggle and suffer because you're really in more of a helpless place to help them because when it's all said and done, they're the one behind the wheel.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: We can't drive their car for them.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: It's always the leader horse-to-water situation.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: We can't force the drinking, but we sure can influence.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: And so part of what the answer to your question would be for me is it's being curious with your kids.
12:02
SPEAKER_00: You know, instead of saying you're depressed, you need help, you need, you know, go talk to a therapist.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: It was, hey, if you know that you're struggling and having a hard time, that's okay.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: But why would you not want to do something about it to make it better?
12:19
SPEAKER_00: That's what I really want the answer to.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: And, you know, if we can get there, we're good for right now.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: But I really want to understand, help me to understand why you don't want to work to make yourself feel better.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: Why, because you don't enjoy feeling down.
12:37
SPEAKER_00: I mean, a lot of these young adults, they're not into like SM.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: They don't like being whipped and you know, red gagballed and and chained up in pain and punishment, but then they do it to themselves mentally.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: It's not even congruent with who they are and what they're about.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: And so helping them to have more of that awareness and what's and how important mental health is, with being curious, is a starting point for that conversation.
13:03
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, very true.
13:06
SPEAKER_02: There's also the other side of the coin where uh they don't even they're in denial.
13:12
SPEAKER_02: They think that they're absolutely fine, living their lives in their bedrooms, absolutely doing nothing.
13:18
SPEAKER_02: They they say, I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: You know, they they okay, so when when young adults do this, anybody does this, it's sometimes it is their defense mechanism mechanism that they created early on to navigate how they were feeling.
13:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm fine, it's fine, it's fine.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: And then that to comes out of them, right?
13:40
SPEAKER_00: But when it's all said and done, regardless of what that's what's coming out or not, every single human knows how they feel and when they're not okay, right?
13:51
SPEAKER_00: And so part of a way that we have parents challenge their kids into action, which is um identifying what the problem is.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: Hey, we've noticed this behavior out of you.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm fine, it's not a problem.
14:07
SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't need to go talk to somebody, right?
14:09
SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, we'll make you a deal then.
14:12
SPEAKER_00: But let's see if you really do can if you really can't control this.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: Let's see if you can control this for two weeks.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: If you can control it for two weeks, we're not gonna put pressure on you to go talk to somebody.
14:23
SPEAKER_00: But if you can't, then you need to go.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: And what it does is it it it at least starts the opening point of uh someone being willing to go, because uh obviously even mom and dad are right, like I can't control this.
14:39
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
14:40
SPEAKER_02: And also giving them um a timeline, I think it's important because these parents haven't done that, they haven't put deadlines and timelines and constraints on them, they don't want to add any pressure.
14:52
SPEAKER_02: A lot of it it seems to me that they're sort of still stuck in the COVID days where you know it is what it is, and when when things when everything's better, you'll come out of it, but they're not coming out of it, they're not getting out of their rooms, they're not doing anything with their lives.
15:08
SPEAKER_02: And they're there it's there's such a stronghold on parents being so afraid to put pressure on them to say there's a deadline on this, if you don't do this by this date, then I've got to get involved.
15:22
SPEAKER_02: I've got to do something.
15:23
SPEAKER_02: I'm watching you spiral or wander aimlessly around, and I just can't do this anymore.
15:30
SPEAKER_02: So I'm giving you your power by saying you take control of the situation, but at the end of the day, something's gotta give.
15:39
SPEAKER_02: It's it's the most incredible thing to witness and to even hear as someone who speaks to parents a lot about how stuck.
15:50
SPEAKER_02: There's no better word, stuck, paralyzed.
15:53
SPEAKER_02: You know, and it's remember that expression um analysis by paralysis or paralysis by analysis, I forget.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: Paralysis, analysis, yeah.
16:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they're just like they're just stuck.
16:05
SPEAKER_02: And it's like moving a boulder, and parents will say, I can't force them.
16:10
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, but if your adult child had diabetes and if they didn't take their insulin, they would go blind, lose a leg, whatever.
16:18
SPEAKER_02: You would you still say I can't force them?
16:20
SPEAKER_02: Like at what point do you have to take over with their mental health?
16:25
SPEAKER_02: You know, and it nothing bothers me more than the than the medical or whatever system saying that by 18 they're adults and they you I hate that.
16:34
SPEAKER_02: That shouldn't that shouldn't apply when you're when they're living at home and and stuck and not well.
16:41
SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry, it should be all better off.
16:43
SPEAKER_02: I don't care how old they are, they're not behaving like responsible adults.
16:47
SPEAKER_02: And here we are as parents going, I can't force them.
16:50
SPEAKER_02: I say, Yeah, you can.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: Well, you can definitely still influence for sure.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: And there's lots of different ways to influence.
16:57
SPEAKER_00: You can psychologically influence your kids.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: Since something that worked with my own kids was, hey, you know what?
17:02
SPEAKER_00: Like, I know you're having a hard time and you don't want to do anything about it right now.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: But when you're sick enough of this, like the options are there.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: There's everything's teed up for you, ready to go.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: When you get sick enough of feeling like this and living this way, you'll I know you and I believe in you, and I know you'll do what needs to be done because that's just who you are.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: Because you are built for hard things.
17:28
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: So um just even psychologically influencing them is is helpful.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, you're right.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you're limited because in I believe in every state across the country, that once you're 18, you're a legal adult and you're responsible for your own mental health, and your parents can't do much unless you're really so far down to that continuum that you're endangered to yourself or others, and that's when things can get involved, people can get involved.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: But there's this gray area that exists of these kids that struggle, that suffer, and nobody can force them to do things about it.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: But as parents, we can definitely make it a lot more uncomfortable because allowing our kids just to exist um at home, um, saying they can't find a job and you know it's a bad market and it's a bad economy, and they put out 50 emails today and they haven't heard back from anybody, and you're like, Well, you got to follow up, and like I did follow up, and like, you know, but they're just laying there.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: What we've seen with the the when kids were teenagers, when you could take all their stuff from them, when you take their phone, TV, computer, cell phone, there's still a percentage of that population that can still hover enough in their disposition because things haven't gotten worse enough for them to want to work to make it better.
18:43
SPEAKER_00: Because to make a change, you either have to be sick enough of your situation to do something about it, or at bottom, so there's nowhere else to go but up.
18:50
SPEAKER_00: So, as parents, one option we have is making our kids' lives more challenging and challenging enough to make it actually worse for them, for them to want to work to make it better.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: It's putting the heat, you know, it's putting a little blowtorch underneath the couch they've been spending 20 hours on.
19:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
19:09
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
19:10
SPEAKER_02: I love I love the whole idea of make of not making them comfortable because you're right.
19:14
SPEAKER_02: They say, I can't, what can I, what can I take away, other than the fact that by the way, there's Wi-Fi in the house, there's food in the fridge, uh, there's a phone that's still on the family plan.
19:25
SPEAKER_02: There are all these little um comforts, little comfort creatures.
19:29
SPEAKER_02: They're all there's comfort zones that we can stop making so comfortable, but they don't it's exhaust.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: It's for so many parents, though, it's exhausting and they they want and they give up too quickly because it's you you've and it's emotionally taxing.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: It's so hard to be watching your son or daughter struggle and to be helpless to help them.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: So you're fighting your brain and your heart constantly because your heart's like, no, I love this kid.
19:54
SPEAKER_00: We got to continue to love them, make their life easy, and we've got your brain going, I've got to put so much heat on this kid and make this uncomfortable because if they're not gonna go, I gotta make them start moving.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: Um, the way you kind of remove your heart from this is not just understanding what we were talking about today, but it's really about looking at this as a behavioral science experiment.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: So if your kid, if your young adult is just sleeping through the whole day, you know, to me, I would do something that would make it a lot more challenging for them to do that.
20:23
SPEAKER_00: Whether it be, you know, coming into the room, turning their lights on, blowing an air horn at, you know, eight in the morning, doing doing these little things.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: And they're gonna freak out and get upset and get in and be, you know, perturbed.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: And that's fine.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: You have to look at this as a parent to sustain this.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: You have to be committed to this and look at it as a behavioral science experiment, which is how many times, you know, if you're parenting with somebody else, you know, make a bet with your spouse, how many times do you think we're gonna do this before this kid starts to actually make a move?
20:58
SPEAKER_00: Because they will eventually.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: They're just trying to wait you out, is what they do.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: And they do a good job because you on a daily basis, either you're training your kids and your young adult, or they're training you and they spend a lot of time trying to train you.
21:11
SPEAKER_02: Yes, definitely.
21:14
SPEAKER_02: Definitely.
21:15
SPEAKER_02: Well, I hope that parents that are listening right now like are really kind of wrapping their head around the fact that they're they're their kids are comfortable at home.
21:22
SPEAKER_02: That's why they're there.
21:24
SPEAKER_02: That's why they're there.
21:25
SPEAKER_02: I know uh are you you have that cup?
21:29
SPEAKER_02: We have to talk about that cup in a second.
21:31
SPEAKER_02: Okay, it's yeah, okay.
21:34
SPEAKER_02: Hold on.
21:35
SPEAKER_02: Because I don't know if this is going to be like a video, but I do want to show your cup and your mug in a second.
21:41
SPEAKER_02: Um, but for parents that are making they don't realize how comfortable their kids are, and that's discomfort is an incredible motivator.
21:48
SPEAKER_02: So if they're not motivated to get up and do something, it's because they're really living in like a hotel.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so you know that would be great for all of us, but that's not how life works.
21:58
SPEAKER_00: And so you get you can.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: As a parent, you have to have this kind of grit and be even more a little more sadistic, which is as much as my heart cries out when my kids are suffering or struggling or something in life, they're my brain goes, huh, this is awesome.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: Because I know that the struggle and suffering is good for them.
22:18
SPEAKER_00: It helps them to develop their callous to life because life is ripe with adversity.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: So these things, even if they make their life worse, in the long run, make their life better and it toughens them.
22:29
SPEAKER_00: As long as I'm not allowing them to evade, avoid, and just sit there.
22:33
SPEAKER_02: Okay, now you can show your mug.
22:38
SPEAKER_02: On the other side.
22:39
SPEAKER_02: Don't you have the other the logo on the other side?
22:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, that's what you saw.
22:43
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: I didn't think okay.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: Things get tough.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: You have to get tougher.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: To me, it's the foundation uh resilience it's resilience, my definition of resilience.
22:53
SPEAKER_02: And to me, it's the foundation of mental health, which is well, let's talk about that because that was going to be one of my questions for you.
22:59
SPEAKER_02: Why do you think resilience is the foundation for mental health?
23:03
SPEAKER_00: Because I think if you have that, you're gonna be okay enough in life.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: When you learn how to have be a mental fighter, because I really do believe God, life, whatever you believe in, doesn't give us things that we can't ultimately deal with and overcome.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: And what's dropped in our lap is not meant for us to be overwhelmed by or down about.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: It's meant for us to overcome, learn and change and grow from.
23:25
SPEAKER_00: And in doing so, it leads us to who we're supposed to be and where we're supposed to be next in our life.
23:29
SPEAKER_00: These are just hurdles.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: And you have to elevate just a millimeter above it to clear it.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: And as long as you have that fight, if you can learn how to be more like a spring, that the more that life pushes down on you, the more you recoil back, then you can actually overcome so many more obstacles and you take these valleys.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: Life's always going to be a roller coaster of peaks and valleys, but you turn these deep valleys into little blips when you've got that fight in you.
23:56
SPEAKER_00: My kids, when they were young, I coach their sports teams.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: And a lot of these kids, when they're really young, they cry for non-pain related injuries.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, whoever the kid was and make sure they're okay and they were mad about something that happened and say, hey, look, don't get sad.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: Like get mad, like go do something about it.
24:16
SPEAKER_00: So I want you to be able to learn that kids learn and the young adults to channel their frustrations into productive energy because you can utilize that as a vehicle to push back against life.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: And if you have a young adult who is angry, I know it's intimidating, but it's actually a good sign of their mental health because they've got energy, they've got fight.
24:37
SPEAKER_00: It's just being channeled in the right, wrong way.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: But you can cultivate that, or a professional can, because they can channel that into productive energy, be so frustrated about their situation to go do something about it.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: It's it's so much easier to work with the angry kids than it is the listless, super depressed, woe is me, hopeless, hopeless kids.
24:55
SPEAKER_00: But you avoid giving up when you're resilient, when you have that fire in your belly, and when it can prevent having suicidal thoughts.
25:06
SPEAKER_00: Because when you give up in life, you start to get flooded very quickly with depression, anxiety, stress, and then you get overwhelmed.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: And then when you get overwhelmed, your brain starts thinking of ways out of the situation.
25:20
SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have tools to navigate your mental health, the first is the first arrival is death.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: It's suicidal ideation.
25:27
SPEAKER_00: I wish I was dead.
25:29
SPEAKER_00: Right?
25:29
SPEAKER_00: Now much much smaller percentage of that population actually attempts, but you cut that pretty much out if you're teaching, hey, in this family, things get tough, we get tougher.
25:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, don't get sad, get mad.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: Go do something about it.
25:41
SPEAKER_00: Right?
25:42
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so let's talk a little bit more about this resilience.
25:45
SPEAKER_02: Because do you I mean, you know, you're a father, you're you have this incredible practice, you know that not all kids come into the world with that sort of grit, that hardiness, that their natural resilience.
25:58
SPEAKER_02: Some of them are really sensitive and they need to be taught.
26:02
SPEAKER_02: They need to, you know, I remember when so clearly falling down, and I have two brothers, one older, one younger.
26:11
SPEAKER_02: So maybe it's because I was the girl and my my mother was or she was just tough.
26:15
SPEAKER_02: She didn't say she never coddled me when I fell, but I remember her saying to me, get up.
26:21
SPEAKER_02: And I'm looking at her like, you're not gonna give me a little love.
26:26
SPEAKER_02: She's like, just get up, you're fine.
26:29
SPEAKER_02: Like it, she didn't want to see me on the ground crying.
26:33
SPEAKER_02: And she maybe that's why I am who I am, because I had a mother who just said, get up, you're okay.
26:39
SPEAKER_02: And you know, was I gushing?
26:40
SPEAKER_02: Maybe, but did I survive?
26:43
SPEAKER_02: Yes, I did.
26:44
SPEAKER_02: But when you have these children that come to you and they're so sensitive and they don't have that same hardiness, you know, and and parents, they feed into it, right?
26:53
SPEAKER_02: So some of them they overcompensate.
26:55
SPEAKER_02: You're you're not as, you know, you're more sensitive than your sister or your brother or whatever.
26:59
SPEAKER_02: So they they overcompensate.
27:02
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes they don't, or they do.
27:04
SPEAKER_02: But what I'm saying is, I guess what I'm really trying to say is how can parents build that resilience when they're dealing with some of these really sensitive kids that just don't have the same kind of fight in them that maybe their sibling has.
27:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:20
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's a great question.
27:22
SPEAKER_00: I think, you know, when we're talking about resilience and how to integrate this, the the first part is you gotta, you do need to validate, hey, this is challenging.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: This is hard.
27:32
SPEAKER_00: I get it.
27:33
SPEAKER_00: You know, this is how this goes.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: You know, and and one of the tools for this is resilience.
27:38
SPEAKER_00: Let me explain to you what resilience is and why this is so important.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, if you're feeling that down in and you should, it's something you should get frustrated with.
27:48
SPEAKER_00: You should be frustrated with where things are at for you right now.
27:51
SPEAKER_00: You should be frustrated with how you've been feeling.
27:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, you can help kind of jumpstart that.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: The concept itself, besides the stuff I've already talked about, I know I create analogies because I I think visually, and this is a very visual generation, so you have to have some type of a connector.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: Um, the analogy I use for this that parents can use is what I call the guy in the van analogy.
28:13
SPEAKER_00: So I said I've said to 6,500 families, kids of in families that look, guy in a van pulls up to you unarmed and tries to grab you and throw you in the back, what would you do?
28:23
SPEAKER_00: Every, every every kid has said I'd fight, I'd kick, I'd scream, I'd punch.
28:28
SPEAKER_00: Say, look, if that guy showed up once a day, but every day, somewhere where you were along your route, would there ever be a day where you just put your hands up in the air and said, Okay, just take me, do whatever you want with me?
28:40
SPEAKER_00: No kids ever said yes.
28:41
SPEAKER_00: They say no.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: Say, look, there's not that big of a stretch between that situation was happening with you in life when life is really hard.
28:48
SPEAKER_00: Life is the guy in the van.
28:51
SPEAKER_00: You have to have that fire in your belly, right?
28:54
SPEAKER_00: And the thing is, is we can always draw.
28:57
SPEAKER_00: No matter how down we are, we always have the energy to fight.
29:02
SPEAKER_00: You could be the most depressed, not slept for three days, laying in a dark room, curled up in the fetal position.
29:11
SPEAKER_00: But if someone comes busting through your room with a knife, you're gonna find that you're gonna summon that energy to move and you're not even gonna think about it, right?
29:20
SPEAKER_00: That energy is always there, and sometimes we do have to summon it from down below, our belly, so to speak, to come up and fight.
29:27
SPEAKER_00: And that's why it's good to get mad and it's good to use that as a vehicle to be able to fight.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: Now, there's also a backdoor to resilience, which is if you've got, you know, the kids that just you can't jump start them, you can't get them going.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: They're just too down, too depressed, too helpless, too hopeless, too much of a victim.
29:47
SPEAKER_00: There's another back door that we found that exists, which is if you can get them out the door and you can get them into boxing training, it stimulates them significantly.
29:59
SPEAKER_00: So what happens, we've found, is just we're not talking about head contact, just working with the boxing trainer.
30:04
SPEAKER_00: There's something so primal about punching that even if you don't have the energy, you find the energy.
30:10
SPEAKER_00: And it is a good release for them.
30:12
SPEAKER_00: They get more dopamine, more serotonin, more endorphins, and all those chemicals help them with starting to jumpstart that dead battery.
30:20
SPEAKER_00: But there's also another one that happens with this if you can get them to go to a few trainings, which is the learning curve is so fast that they start to feel like a physical fighter, and then they start to turn into a mental fighter that kicks on, and that's the back door.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: And it's worked with the majority of the population that we've done that with.
30:40
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
30:41
SPEAKER_02: I've never heard that suggestion before.
30:44
SPEAKER_02: I like it.
30:46
SPEAKER_02: I like it.
30:47
SPEAKER_02: Um, something else that you said, I think we're gonna go back to resilience, or we're gonna keep touching on it.
30:51
SPEAKER_02: So I'm not leading, we're not done yet, but uh something else you said, and this is very important.
30:57
SPEAKER_02: Um, there are very few mental health issues that you don't have control over.
31:03
SPEAKER_02: In fact, I believe that when you said that you were touching on one of your mental health tips, which is that focus on what you can control instead of what you can't.
31:14
SPEAKER_02: And that's one of the major issues is that people, again, the rumination and overthinking about what they can't control in their life when there's so many things that they can control.
31:24
SPEAKER_02: So can we talk about that level of letting go of what you can control versus what you can and what is a better approach?
31:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, what I realize is that there you can't really, it's really challenging to there's there's a lot of convoluted information when it comes to mental health out there.
31:40
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of ineffective tools, but there's also some really good ones.
31:43
SPEAKER_00: And nothing's gonna work or work well for people if they're constantly focused on the things that they can't control, because it floods them constantly with problems.
31:55
SPEAKER_00: If we haven't figured this out yet, the only control that we have is how we react and respond to what happens combined with the effort we put into the things that we do.
32:05
SPEAKER_00: And when you step outside of those two levers and that silo that you have full control over with those two things, this is when the world starts taking you over.
32:13
SPEAKER_00: Because we start to mentally start chewing and focusing on what our kids are doing, what our parents are doing, what's going on in the world, what's going on in the United States, what the neighbor did, what the dog did, all of these things we cannot control.
32:27
SPEAKER_00: And when you do that, it's a square peg round hole.
32:29
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna intentionally, you're gonna unconsciously but intentionally drive your stress, anxiety, frustration up, up, up just from doing that.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: But when you start to feel upset about anything, if you can stop and either prompt yourself with what can I control, or something else that's been effective for me has been when I'm in a challenging situation, because life and people and situations don't control how we think or feel, we do.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: And just that statement, when I'm in front of a person who's frustrating me or I'm in a hard, challenging situation, if I can take three seconds to step back from it and go, This person or this situation does not control how I think or feel.
33:10
SPEAKER_00: I do now I'm taking back control of what I have in my silo.
33:15
SPEAKER_00: And I can once you get back in there, now you can do a lot with mental health tools.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: Now you're gonna be in a lot more control of yourself.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: And if you make the inside of you okay, it doesn't really matter what's going on outside.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: You have peace within chaos, and that's one of the names of the game of life.
33:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
33:35
SPEAKER_02: I think that um a lot of this is coming from parents not being able to manage their own emotions.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: Correct.
33:46
SPEAKER_02: And our kids are watching us.
33:49
SPEAKER_02: And so if they're if parents are coming home feeling this lack of control over what's going on around them in the world in their backyard, they're modeling this to their young adults who are are not really equipped.
34:02
SPEAKER_02: They don't have the um out the they don't have other things going on in their lives, right?
34:07
SPEAKER_02: So parents come home, they've had a day at work, and then they turn on the news.
34:12
SPEAKER_02: I'm kind of dating myself.
34:14
SPEAKER_02: And then what happens is that they start talking about what's going on, everybody feels helpless.
34:20
SPEAKER_02: They carry on, they go to bed, they wake up the next day, they have something to do, they whatever they do, but they their their young adult is sitting in their in their room, they're they're stuck on this.
34:30
SPEAKER_02: What's the point?
34:31
SPEAKER_02: The economy's bad, the politics is that what is the point?
34:35
SPEAKER_02: And so I want to talk about for a second your take on parents managing their own emotions first.
34:43
SPEAKER_02: Because I say to parents all the time, you think your kid is broken, and I understand that you feel they are, but we need to do the work on you.
34:52
SPEAKER_02: We need on yourself as well as on your relationship because you're a part of this.
34:58
SPEAKER_02: You're a part of the dynamic.
35:00
SPEAKER_02: You're living with them, they're watching you every day.
35:02
SPEAKER_02: So let's talk to parents about how they can work on themselves first and then understand that the impact that they have on their young, their their adult children that are sitting there, taking it all in without the resilience or the resources or the community.
35:18
SPEAKER_00: It it's really hard to be a parent of any age kid today.
35:22
SPEAKER_00: I mean, the world is is really it's a really challenging place.
35:26
SPEAKER_00: We've got streams of information, negative constantly, people's opinions.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: Um, there's a lot of exterior problems.
35:34
SPEAKER_00: And then if you've got problems on the interior too, there's no break.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: It'll burn you down into this low grade depression or more even a moderate depression.
35:45
SPEAKER_00: But when you have a kid that is struggling and you're not mindful of what you can and can't control, and you're focused and you're not focused enough on your mental health, your kid's situation is going to be a huge impact on your mental health, on your relationship, if you're married, um, on everything.
36:06
SPEAKER_00: You know, that people say you're only as happy as your least happy kid.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: I don't necessarily agree.
36:12
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think that if that's the case, because you know, when our kid falls into a sinkhole, let's say our kid falls into a sinkhole or into, you know, something that was dug out in the jungles, we're walking around, and we see our kid down there, and because we love our kid, a lot of us will just jump in the hole with them.
36:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm coming, I'm here for you, baby.
36:32
SPEAKER_00: But then you look up and now you're both stuck, right?
36:35
SPEAKER_00: We need to be more mindful of what we can and can't control and keep our own heads above water, not just for ourselves, not just for our spouses, and it's for our kids, even our kids that are struggling.
36:47
SPEAKER_00: Because we're the only anchor that they're gonna have to be able to prevent from sinking.
36:52
SPEAKER_00: We can't sink with them.
36:53
SPEAKER_00: And the only way we prevent that is making our mental health a priority first.
36:57
SPEAKER_00: I mean, we told everybody's always said put the air mask on yourself before your kids on the airplane.
37:02
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of truth to that when it comes to mental health, is and it's something that you can control.
37:08
SPEAKER_00: And what a great gift to give to yourself to make yourself feel better, to make yourself a better spouse or partner, and to have more energy to be able to fight to get your kid to start taking the steps they need to do to get back into life.
37:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
37:24
SPEAKER_02: Um, I'm gonna quote something else.
37:26
SPEAKER_02: I did a little bit of research on some of your tools, so I'm just gonna throw this at you.
37:30
SPEAKER_02: Um, connection is protective.
37:34
SPEAKER_02: So we're kind of like leading into it by saying, you know, take care of yourself.
37:39
SPEAKER_02: Now work on your connection with your with your kid.
37:42
SPEAKER_02: No matter again, no matter what age they are, children need to have this secure connection with their parents.
37:49
SPEAKER_02: Mine are 31 and 25, and I stay so connected to them because even if I feel like they're sort of like not slipping away, but I haven't spoken to them in a few days, I know that they need me to reach out.
38:02
SPEAKER_02: And just and not even how are you, not even that kind of stuff.
38:06
SPEAKER_02: Just just shoot the shit.
38:08
SPEAKER_02: Just tell them about what's going on in my life.
38:10
SPEAKER_02: Just let them kind of like steal that connection to me.
38:13
SPEAKER_02: And so let's talk about that for a second, because there are parents today that are really having a hard time cultivating a connection, especially as they get older, because they've let so much time pass that they don't know how to find their way back.
38:28
SPEAKER_00: Like your kid might not want of any age might not want a relationship with you, but they need to have a relationship with you.
38:35
SPEAKER_00: I mean, look, as an adult, whether you had a good childhood or bad childhood, whether your parents are dead or alive, there's a part of you as an adult right now that needs your mom or your dad in your life right now.
38:45
SPEAKER_00: It's like that times a thousand for young adults, for teenagers, like it never goes away.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: And so, yeah, they're gonna fight you, they're gonna push back.
38:55
SPEAKER_00: And these are the things that you have to fight.
38:56
SPEAKER_00: And if you're ever gonna fight with your kid, it's fighting to establish and maintain a connection with them, right?
39:02
SPEAKER_00: Because if you've got that, you're gonna be okay enough.
39:04
SPEAKER_00: And so are they, because they feel loved.
39:07
SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that you can do, it's not just, you know, it's not just going out.
39:11
SPEAKER_00: And I mean, I love meals because as long as we're not looking at our phones and we create that empty space for these young adults that are so overstimulating and can't stand downtime, they start to panic a little bit and they start to fill that space.
39:24
SPEAKER_00: If you can create uh 30 seconds to a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, more will come out.
39:29
SPEAKER_00: But simply physical touch communicates so much more than anything that you could or would say to your kid.
39:36
SPEAKER_00: And we're not just talking about like hugs and kids, those are great if your kid allows you to do that.
39:41
SPEAKER_00: But if they don't, simply putting your hand on their shoulder as they walk by for a half second communicates instantly to them.
39:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm here for you, I've got you, I love you.
39:50
SPEAKER_00: And so the connection needs to continue.
39:53
SPEAKER_00: And I mean, we need it too with our kids.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: We need to feel that synergy.
39:57
SPEAKER_00: There's it's it's it's the world's become a lot less loving.
40:01
SPEAKER_00: You see a lot less smiles, you see a lot less energy going out, right?
40:05
SPEAKER_00: And and so we have to create that on the inside.
40:07
SPEAKER_00: It's got to be our own kind of grassroots in our home.
40:10
SPEAKER_00: Even if we're struggling, even if we're suffering, we still have love and connection.
40:16
SPEAKER_02: I think it's one of the most incredible relationships of our lives is to have that with your your kids.
40:23
SPEAKER_02: And really, I think for both both of us, both sides of it, I think that they they get to enjoy us as their parents, and we get to enjoy them as they get older.
40:34
SPEAKER_02: I think there's nothing better.
40:36
SPEAKER_02: And I'm I maybe I'm saying that because my children are my best, are a couple of my best friends, but uh we feel the same way.
40:42
SPEAKER_02: And I and that doesn't happen naturally.
40:44
SPEAKER_02: It takes effort.
40:46
SPEAKER_02: It really takes that.
40:47
SPEAKER_02: Let's go out, let's go for a walk, let's go to a movie, let's have our meals, let's take them on vacations.
40:53
SPEAKER_02: Like just keep those memories and that connection going.
40:56
SPEAKER_00: You just can't stop trying just because they stonewall you.
41:00
SPEAKER_00: You you have to bug them.
41:01
SPEAKER_00: You have to bug them.
41:02
SPEAKER_00: It's like, hey, I'm sorry I love you so much.
41:04
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be like this.
41:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry I love you so much.
41:08
SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
41:09
SPEAKER_01: That's a lot of guilt, but I don't like it.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: And by the way, you want to put a little fire under your you want to you want to kill a bunch of birds with one stone.
41:14
SPEAKER_00: If you're if you're a young adult that's not leaving the house, be like, all right, come on, give me some hugs.
41:19
SPEAKER_00: Come on.
41:20
SPEAKER_00: It's not I'm not gonna stop bugging you.
41:21
SPEAKER_00: And you know, it's how it's gonna be.
41:24
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I love you so much.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: Let's go to lunch.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, leave me alone.
41:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm never gonna leave alone.
41:28
SPEAKER_00: You're in the house.
41:29
SPEAKER_00: Like, this is an opportunity for me.
41:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna like this.
41:32
SPEAKER_00: This is a good way to bug your kid in a in a really good way all day.
41:36
SPEAKER_02: Oh, Jerry, I used to say this to my kids all the time.
41:38
SPEAKER_02: You just remind me I have to say, if loving you is a crime, then I am guilty.
41:44
SPEAKER_00: There you go.
41:45
SPEAKER_02: Oh man.
41:46
SPEAKER_02: Um, okay, let's talk about um adult kids who don't stop gaming or scrolling.
41:53
SPEAKER_02: What these these this is a big one because parents can't seem to get them out of their room or off the screens.
41:59
SPEAKER_02: And, you know, we didn't, I'm a little bit older than you, but we didn't grow up with this.
42:03
SPEAKER_02: So we did play outside.
42:05
SPEAKER_02: You know, we did have other things going on in our lives.
42:09
SPEAKER_02: So I and I missed it, right?
42:11
SPEAKER_02: I'm thankfully I missed it.
42:12
SPEAKER_02: I didn't have kids stuck on screens.
42:14
SPEAKER_02: But to these parents with these, you know, 20-somethings and even 30-something year olds, what can they do?
42:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
42:21
SPEAKER_00: Well, don't forget the the conversations need to happen first, right?
42:26
SPEAKER_00: The even a young adult needs to understand why this is a problem, or they're not going to be able to connect the dots, and they're not gonna even have a chance to be able to consider making a change for themselves if they don't connect the dots.
42:38
SPEAKER_00: And so the conversations have to happen about electronic addiction, about how the phones and the apps and the shorts and everything has been designed intentionally to be addictive for adults, right?
42:54
SPEAKER_00: But then then now we've got you know teenagers and young adults that are born into this, so to speak.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: And the the problem is it activates the same pleasure center in the brain as sexual gratification and intoxication.
43:09
SPEAKER_00: It's the same part that fires.
43:11
SPEAKER_00: That's how our brains call for it when we're not even thinking about it.
43:14
SPEAKER_00: It's like, I'm just gonna pick up my phone for like five minutes and then you're it you're down the down the rabbit hole until four in the morning, right?
43:22
SPEAKER_00: Um, and so helping people, our kids to have the awareness of how these were designed, what the intention is, that we are batteries powering basically somebody else's machine, and they don't care.
43:33
SPEAKER_00: They want to, they don't care if you're not getting enough sleep.
43:36
SPEAKER_00: They don't care if you don't have a good relationship.
43:40
SPEAKER_00: They don't care if you're depressed.
43:42
SPEAKER_00: That's one piece.
43:44
SPEAKER_00: Another piece is these kids that are learning to, when I say kids, I'm talking about young adults, teenagers, doesn't matter.
43:51
SPEAKER_00: They've learned to pacify themselves with their phones, which is problematic because they're not learning the tools on how to navigate how they.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: Feel.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: They just sit there and go drr, and they just dir out on their phone, right?
44:06
SPEAKER_00: Fifteen years ago, we had major problems with kids and young adults that were uh very oppositional, very angry, punching holes in walls, calling mom uh, you know, effing bitch, and like, you know, smoking weed in the house and sneaking out, running away, not coming home, f you all.
44:24
SPEAKER_00: These kids went away to a lot of different like wilderness programs back there and residential programs.
44:29
SPEAKER_00: The amount of kids and young adults that we see now that I can't even think of the last time we had to send somebody, and it's because of these stupid phones and electronic addiction.
44:41
SPEAKER_00: Because now, as soon as they start to get a little bit upset, what do they do?
44:46
SPEAKER_00: Just sit there and dirt, and then all of a sudden things come down later for them.
44:51
SPEAKER_00: So helping young adults to just have the awareness of that they've been kind of born into bondage, so to speak, since they're the, you know, they're the natives born into this.
45:03
SPEAKER_00: And it's almost like the matrix, if anybody ever saw that, you know, like you're born into this, you're battery powering uh something, a big machine.
45:12
SPEAKER_00: That's what we are, because the more people that are trapped there, the more money they make.
45:15
SPEAKER_00: And that's just that you're a dollar sign.
45:18
SPEAKER_00: And so helping them to have that, to be able to sit with that for long enough and to connect the dots on it.
45:25
SPEAKER_00: And to also get curious is to look, I didn't grow up necessarily like this.
45:31
SPEAKER_00: Help me understand what's so cool about this.
45:34
SPEAKER_00: What do you actually like?
45:36
SPEAKER_00: What actually makes this so good?
45:38
SPEAKER_00: See if they can even come up with what it is.
45:42
SPEAKER_00: Because if they can't, they're they're wrapped into the electronic addiction.
45:47
SPEAKER_00: That's all it is.
45:48
SPEAKER_00: I just like it.
45:49
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
45:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know, it's funny that you say that because I just did an interview with a 30-year-old who had a gaming addiction.
45:57
SPEAKER_02: And he one of the things that he was advising parents is that instead of telling your kid to get off and stop and shut it down, stuff like that, wanting to take an interest in it and find out what is it about that game that they love.
46:12
SPEAKER_02: And and if when you show the interest, then your kid is like they're not shutting you down anymore, shutting you out.
46:17
SPEAKER_02: They're like, okay, well, if you really want to know, let me show you.
46:20
SPEAKER_00: Right.
46:21
SPEAKER_00: Again, it's the why, right?
46:22
SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, I don't care so much that you're doing this or you're living like this, or this is what you're doing with your time, but help me with the why.
46:30
SPEAKER_00: If you can help me with the why, we're good for right now.
46:32
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so they don't have the answer because there is no appropriate answer for why.
46:36
SPEAKER_00: Because a lot of times they say, I don't know.
46:38
SPEAKER_00: But I don't know has been used for decades with them, with their parents to get their parents to leave them alone.
46:44
SPEAKER_00: So anytime a kid says to me, or young adult says to me, I don't know, my first response back is yes, you do.
46:51
SPEAKER_00: Because you don't have Tourette's, you don't have an impulse control disorder that makes you just yell, mother effer for nothing.
46:57
SPEAKER_00: You think things, then you do things.
46:58
SPEAKER_00: What I'm looking for is what are you thinking that's making or feeling that's making you do that?
47:04
SPEAKER_02: So you ask until you get an answer?
47:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
47:07
SPEAKER_00: And then I'm not gonna leave you alone until you give me help me understand it.
47:11
SPEAKER_00: Like I'll as soon as you do, I'm out.
47:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm out of this room.
47:14
SPEAKER_00: I'll leave you alone.
47:16
SPEAKER_00: But these these conversations have to be in chunks, like little stages.
47:20
SPEAKER_00: The first one is is is just getting them to see, like, I'm not here to bust your bust you up.
47:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm just here to understand.
47:27
SPEAKER_00: Give me the why.
47:28
SPEAKER_02: Do you have the next steps for them?
47:31
SPEAKER_00: With the next steps after that.
47:33
SPEAKER_00: Well, it depends on what comes out of your kid, right?
47:36
SPEAKER_00: If it's, you know, there the world, you see, that's hard because these kids don't want to talk to their parents so frequently.
47:45
SPEAKER_00: You know, they don't want to open up and they don't want to open up to dad, who's probably been successful and go, you know what, dad?
47:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm really anxious.
47:52
SPEAKER_00: Like the world is a very scary place.
47:54
SPEAKER_00: I don't feel good about myself.
47:56
SPEAKER_00: My self-esteem is really low.
47:58
SPEAKER_00: I feel very small and inferior in the world.
48:00
SPEAKER_00: And so my coping mechanism is avoidance and evading and in avoiding anything that is aversive to me, which has actually made my perceived fear of everything so much worse.
48:12
SPEAKER_00: But I am so stuck in this, I don't even know what to do.
48:15
SPEAKER_00: That's never gonna come out of your kid, right?
48:17
SPEAKER_02: It's like, well, that was good.
48:18
SPEAKER_02: That was really good.
48:19
SPEAKER_00: That's what happens, but that's exactly what happens with them.
48:22
SPEAKER_00: That's why they get stuck there.
48:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
48:26
SPEAKER_02: Um, I want to just touch one more on resilience and and how it relates to self-confidence.
48:33
SPEAKER_02: Because I think there's a serious correlation between low resilience and low self-confidence.
48:40
SPEAKER_00: Do you agree?
48:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I do.
48:42
SPEAKER_00: Uh I found an even bigger culprit in my career for the self-esteem, is the we can trace low self-esteem from you know late teens, early 20s back down to a simple habit that people picked up somewhere in late elementary, middle of middle school.
49:02
SPEAKER_00: They got negative.
49:03
SPEAKER_00: They started looking at what wasn't right about one thing.
49:06
SPEAKER_00: Because usually in middle school, this is now all of a sudden you're stepping out of childhood and into adolescence, and you know, it's hard.
49:13
SPEAKER_00: People are mean, you got a lot more kids, you have a lot of teachers, and you're going, I don't like this.
49:18
SPEAKER_00: So you start looking at one thing that's negative.
49:21
SPEAKER_00: And then what we saw is that the habit starts to generalize into other aspects of their life.
49:26
SPEAKER_00: They start looking at what they don't like about a parent, they don't like about a sibling, they don't like about their school, they don't like about work, they don't like about the dog or going to grandma and grandpa's house.
49:35
SPEAKER_00: And as soon as they look at themselves with those negative lenses, that's when their self-esteem starts to plummet.
49:41
SPEAKER_00: And then anxiety and social anxiety spike up, and they get stuck in that perpetual cycle.
49:47
SPEAKER_00: So a lot of the low self-esteem that we've seen starts as a habit.
49:53
SPEAKER_00: And they put on what we call crap goggles.
49:56
SPEAKER_00: They look at all the stuff that's crappy.
49:58
SPEAKER_00: And in all these things that are all these situations and people that are outside of us that we can't control, in all of that are positives and negatives.
50:07
SPEAKER_00: And we can't control that they're there, but we sure can control to choose how we look at situations.
50:14
SPEAKER_00: And if we put on crap goggles, that's all we're gonna take in and all we're gonna fill.
50:17
SPEAKER_00: And we control that.
50:19
SPEAKER_00: In every situation, there's at least one or two positives.
50:21
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter if there's 30 negatives.
50:24
SPEAKER_00: If you can hold on to those one or two positives, you're all right.
50:27
SPEAKER_00: And that's the name of the game of life.
50:28
SPEAKER_00: I mean, look how profound this is for anybody that's listening.
50:32
SPEAKER_00: Is if you think about a parent you had growing up, put on negative lenses really quick.
50:36
SPEAKER_00: Think it doesn't matter if they're dead or alive.
50:37
SPEAKER_00: Think about what he or she did that was frustrating or annoying, or that really bothered you, or that you didn't get enough of from him or her.
50:45
SPEAKER_00: Notice how you feel right now.
50:47
SPEAKER_00: Okay, now stop.
50:49
SPEAKER_00: Put those negative lenses to the side, switch your lenses.
50:53
SPEAKER_00: I'd like for you to think to yourself about that person and what you like, love, admire, or appreciate about him or her.
51:02
SPEAKER_00: It's a completely different feeling.
51:04
SPEAKER_00: And the beauty in this is it's an almost an instant switch, and it's a reminder that life and people don't control how we feel we do.
51:12
SPEAKER_00: So if you've got a negative kid, then so much of what you have to challenge your kid is and hey, when you come home, they're laying there, this sucks, this is lame, I hate this.
51:21
SPEAKER_00: It's like, hey, no, no, what's one positive about that person?
51:24
SPEAKER_00: There's nothing, they suck.
51:25
SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, there's positives and negatives.
51:27
SPEAKER_00: We talked about this.
51:28
SPEAKER_00: I give me one positive about that kid, and I'll leave you alone.
51:32
SPEAKER_00: Fine, he's funny.
51:33
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, and you leave him alone.
51:35
SPEAKER_00: You just flip that switch for your young adult.
51:38
SPEAKER_00: And what they get a taste of that, not only they feel better, but it's also an opportunity for them to start remembering over time.
51:44
SPEAKER_00: I've just got to start identifying what the positive is because it's a very high likelihood if you've got a young adult living with you that's got a lot of mental health issues, the negativity and how they see the world and most importantly themselves is a big factor in why they continue to feel the way that they feel.
52:01
SPEAKER_02: I couldn't agree with you more.
52:03
SPEAKER_02: I could not agree with you more.
52:04
SPEAKER_02: I often will say, I'll talk to I also talk to the young adults as well as the parents, and I'll talk to them privately.
52:11
SPEAKER_02: I think we talked about this.
52:12
SPEAKER_02: It's not always good to put them in the same room.
52:14
SPEAKER_02: You don't get the same kind of openness.
52:16
SPEAKER_02: But when I say to these adult children, I'll call them that, they're in their 20s and even 30s, um, what's wrong with your life?
52:26
SPEAKER_02: They they're like they unleash.
52:31
SPEAKER_02: I I have a fear of failure, I have a fear of being judged, everybody else is so much further ahead than me.
52:37
SPEAKER_02: Uh, what am I gonna say that I've been doing the last few years if I can't when I when I try to get a job, you know, I'm I'm really pretty much like useless.
52:44
SPEAKER_02: And they just have this terrible self-deprecating um perspective on themselves.
52:52
SPEAKER_02: And I hear it, it's the same, same stuff all the time.
52:55
SPEAKER_02: So then I go, what's something you like about yourself?
53:00
SPEAKER_02: Or even I'll say, When was the last time you were happy?
53:05
SPEAKER_02: And it's shocking because they don't think that way.
53:10
SPEAKER_02: They have to actually, like you said, put on a different set of lenses and start thinking, I don't know what I like about myself.
53:18
SPEAKER_02: Or or they'll break down and say, I don't like anything about myself.
53:21
SPEAKER_02: That's not true.
53:22
SPEAKER_02: You have qualities, so I need you to think about some of them or think about when you were happy.
53:28
SPEAKER_02: And it's just it is a complete paradigm shift in their perspective.
53:32
SPEAKER_02: And so I love that.
53:34
SPEAKER_02: And I wish parents would be able to have those conversations because they're not that hard to have your kid ask, you know, tell you what they like about themselves.
53:44
SPEAKER_00: Correct.
53:45
SPEAKER_02: So thank you.
53:47
SPEAKER_00: And as a parent, you can also do that too, right?
53:49
SPEAKER_00: When you're trying to build self-esteem, a lot of these young adults, they they still they got stagnated through the stuff that they struggled with.
53:57
SPEAKER_00: So their identity formation is stagnated as well.
54:00
SPEAKER_00: So they don't really know who they are.
54:02
SPEAKER_00: And so you as a parent do.
54:05
SPEAKER_00: And if you could take 10 to 15 minutes individually and write down the things about your son or your daughter that make them awesome.
54:16
SPEAKER_00: See, the problem with self-esteem, and especially these young adults, when they're surrounded by they, they they're screwing up self-esteem because they use the outside as their basis and justification for the inside, right?
54:27
SPEAKER_00: How many likes, how many followers, do I have a job?
54:30
SPEAKER_00: You know, how do I have a car, nice enough car?
54:32
SPEAKER_00: Do I have a girlfriend?
54:33
SPEAKER_00: Do I have a house?
54:34
SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't have any of these, I'm a loser, right?
54:37
SPEAKER_00: There's things that your son or daughter have come into the world with that are worth their weight in gold, characteristics like loving, caring, uh, hard worker, good friend, loyal.
54:48
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter how people see you in life.
54:50
SPEAKER_00: What matters in what you need is how you see yourself.
54:52
SPEAKER_00: And so if they can take one thing off the list once a week and just drop it on their young adult in passing, hey, I was just thinking today, how much I admire this about you.
55:00
SPEAKER_00: And your young adult's gonna look at you and be like, okay, whatever.
55:04
SPEAKER_00: But inside they get those little bursts.
55:07
SPEAKER_00: And what you're doing once a week, every week, you're dropping one, or you could do two a week, but don't do more than that to get successive.
55:13
SPEAKER_00: But you do that and you're starting to plant the seeds for identity formation for your son or for your daughter.
55:21
SPEAKER_00: And what I also like about this is so much of as growing up as parents, our praise is typically for actions, things that have happened, successes.
55:32
SPEAKER_00: This is just random praise for your son or daughter being who they actually are, which I think is super cool.
55:38
SPEAKER_00: Plus, it helps them build their confidence in themselves.
55:41
SPEAKER_02: Me too.
55:42
SPEAKER_02: And to add to that, although that's beautiful, um what are you grateful for in your life?
55:49
SPEAKER_02: Because life doesn't suck.
55:51
SPEAKER_02: You're sitting in this home, everything's everything's provided for your parents adore you, even though you might not think they do.
55:58
SPEAKER_02: You don't have to have a million friends, but what are you grateful for in your life right now?
56:03
SPEAKER_02: And if you can, I know that's a heavier question to ask a young kid, but anybody in their 20s and 30s, they might have trouble sharing that with you.
56:12
SPEAKER_02: But write it down.
56:14
SPEAKER_02: What am I grateful for today?
56:15
SPEAKER_02: Because when I wake up every morning, and that's the first thing I do with my in my with my coffee, is I I stir it and I think about all the things I'm grateful for.
56:24
SPEAKER_02: And it just sets the tone for the rest of my day.
56:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
56:26
SPEAKER_02: Because no matter how bad things are, I s there are always good things going on in our lives or that we have to be grateful for.
56:33
SPEAKER_00: So well, you know, something that you can actually add to that is when you're talking about gratitude, sometimes these young adults are so depressed and so dark and so negative that any kind of light, anything about anything light is aversive to them, right?
56:50
SPEAKER_00: So there's a backdoor to this too, which is hey, take how bad things are right now and think about how much worse those things could be.
57:01
SPEAKER_00: And they're not, right?
57:03
SPEAKER_00: That's a that's like a place to start with gratitude for someone who's really negative because they'll actually get there.
57:09
SPEAKER_00: They can get there to that.
57:11
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
57:14
SPEAKER_02: We are almost coming to the end of our time together, but you you do have some strategies, and I always like to leave the listener with a few additional strategies.
57:24
SPEAKER_02: You've already mentioned so many, but some of them that I have, and I I'm I don't need you to go through all of them, but one of one of your favorites, like you have present moment focus, three by three by three breathing technique, self-talk and strategies, which I think was sort of covered.
57:39
SPEAKER_02: Um, asking where your mind is in time.
57:41
SPEAKER_02: I'm like rambling, but I feel like I've uh it's like a speech acceptance speech, and I that they're telling you I have to keep moving.
57:49
SPEAKER_02: But if you can just because I I want parents to walk away with some some of your tools that you have honed so beautifully for in your practice that like something like a strategy.
58:02
SPEAKER_02: And I think we've given them some, but you you have some of these here, and and which is one of your favorites that you seem that you know kind of really does work?
58:11
SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, they all work, and that's why I put it all on a platform for everybody.
58:16
SPEAKER_00: But the what you were mentioning was almost a mindfulness, but like the the beauty in that tool is where your mind is in time has a profound effect on how you feel.
58:26
SPEAKER_00: And so if you are, you know, holding on to the past, whether you're replaying situations, you're holding grudges, that you're gonna have much higher likelihoods of being depressed or angry or both.
58:40
SPEAKER_00: And it's it's if you're driving a car, if you're looking in the rearview mirror, you crash on what's in front of you, like always.
58:46
SPEAKER_00: And it's it's not helpful to look back or hold on to the past.
58:51
SPEAKER_00: A lot more of the population is focused on the future, making assumptions about how things are gonna go and what's up up what's upcoming and how it's gonna all play out.
58:59
SPEAKER_00: And none of us can tell the future accurately.
59:01
SPEAKER_00: That's a square pay ground hole.
59:03
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have much higher likelihoods of being stressed or anxious, right?
59:07
SPEAKER_00: And if you're driving and you're scanning two miles down the road for a ladder that might come off of somebody's truck, you crash on what's in front of you, it's the same result.
59:14
SPEAKER_00: But when you're looking over your hood, and that's how you're prepared for anything, and to me, that's the present, that's the here and now.
59:20
SPEAKER_00: And the way this is where we need to be.
59:22
SPEAKER_00: And the way we get ourselves to the here and now is identifying our five senses: what we see, what we smell, what we taste, what we hear, what we physically feel, not in our bodies, but on our bodies, which is the pressure of the chair on your butt or your back right now, or the temperature of the air on your exposed skin.
59:38
SPEAKER_00: When you can get yourself back into the here and now, the present becomes a warm, protective little bubble that keeps you safe from something that just happened or may happen in the future.
59:49
SPEAKER_00: And it's such a great way to get relief, and it's a it's the place, optimal place that we should try to be.
59:55
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
59:57
SPEAKER_01: Gary, can you is there a message that you have for parents?
1:00:01
SPEAKER_00: I got lots of messages.
1:00:02
SPEAKER_00: All right, so um, as a parent, here's the deal: we all make so many mistakes.
1:00:08
SPEAKER_00: Life doesn't come with a manual.
1:00:10
SPEAKER_00: We're just doing our best based off of what we know.
1:00:13
SPEAKER_00: Like it our intentions are good and we screw up a lot.
1:00:17
SPEAKER_00: I do, you do, we all do.
1:00:19
SPEAKER_00: And our kids, they're gonna have their own challenges and struggles and suffers and suffering, but we're doing our best.
1:00:27
SPEAKER_00: And as long as you're putting the air mask on yourself first and you're accessing tools on how to make yourself better, it can be contagious, not just for your for you, but it can be contagious for your young adult because you're modeling, feeling better, feeling active, even in their 20s, they're still watching what you're saying and doing.
1:00:47
SPEAKER_00: There's you're still their role model, right?
1:00:50
SPEAKER_00: And so the best thing you could do right now is let the past be the past, let the guilt go, the shoulda, coulda, woodas, the I wish I did, and start fresh because you're still here.
1:01:00
SPEAKER_00: You're standing.
1:01:00
SPEAKER_00: And as long as you're standing, you're in the game.
1:01:02
SPEAKER_00: And today can be that first day of the rest of your personal life of I'm gonna change, I'm gonna do this differently.
1:01:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do this for myself and I'm gonna benefit, and it's gonna allow me to teach my kid, and then I'm gonna start putting this heat on my kid and also teaching them all the tools, and I'm just I'm never gonna stop until my my dying breath or until that kid is out of this house and on their game.
1:01:22
SPEAKER_00: Cause I I love that kid that much.
1:01:24
SPEAKER_00: And you have the ability, you have the energy, the information is there.
1:01:28
SPEAKER_00: As long as you make it a priority, you're good to go.
1:01:32
SPEAKER_02: Great, love it.
1:01:34
SPEAKER_02: I love it.
1:01:35
SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much for joining me here on launch.
1:01:38
SPEAKER_02: Now, when we last spoke, you were just about to release your podcast.
1:01:43
SPEAKER_02: So raising families.
1:01:45
SPEAKER_02: How's it going?
1:01:49
SPEAKER_00: You can find it anywhere you listen to your podcasts.
1:01:53
SPEAKER_00: Uh, there we've been out for three weeks, and the rankings just came out in the top 200 parenting category, and we're we cracked the top 10 last week.
1:02:01
SPEAKER_00: So a lot of people looking for a lot of information out there.
1:02:04
SPEAKER_02: I love it.
1:02:05
SPEAKER_02: I've been listening to it.
1:02:06
SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you.
1:02:08
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
1:02:08
SPEAKER_02: Why not?
1:02:09
SPEAKER_02: You raising families.
1:02:10
SPEAKER_02: That's that's what I do.
1:02:11
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I do.
1:02:13
SPEAKER_02: That's what I talk about.
1:02:14
SPEAKER_00: So the more people that we can influence in all of our collective information, the more that anybody that's listening can take any of the episodes from yours and mine and pass it to others to benefit them.
1:02:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm always about, hey, let's work together to make a difference for others because that's to me one of the biggest drivers of purpose and meaning in life, period.
1:02:33
SPEAKER_02: Agreed.
1:02:35
SPEAKER_02: Agreed.
1:02:36
SPEAKER_02: I really do appreciate the time you spent with me.
1:02:38
SPEAKER_02: And I love all your wealth of mental health tips.
1:02:41
SPEAKER_02: I think they're amazing.
1:02:42
SPEAKER_02: So very much needed, very useful.
1:02:44
SPEAKER_02: And thank you so much.
1:02:46
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for having me.
1:02:50
SPEAKER_02: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
1:02:59
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1:03:05
SPEAKER_02: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
1:03:10
SPEAKER_02: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
1:03:19
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1:03:24
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1:03:29
SPEAKER_02: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
1:03:34
SPEAKER_02: Talk to you soon.