Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Coach Not Solve
Transcript
- Lucas: So you've been a manager for maybe six weeks now. You're in a one-on-one with a direct report. They lay out a problem — something about a cross-team dependency or a product spec that's unclear. You see the answer in about five seconds because you've solved this exact thing before. And you say... 'Here's what you should do.' Luna: And that feels helpful in the moment. You're being useful. You're showing you know your stuff. Lucas: Right. But you've also just done the work for them. You've robbed them of the chance to figure it out themselves — and you've created a subtle expectation that next time, they'll come to you for the answer again. This is maybe the single most common habit new managers have to unlearn, and it's the topic I want to talk about today: coaching instead of solving. Luna: I love this. Because it sounds counterintuitive. If you're the manager, shouldn't you use your expertise to help? But the goal isn't to be the hero, it's to make your team more capable. Lucas: Exactly. And there's a really concrete framework I've seen work well. It comes from a former engineering director at a mid-sized SaaS company — we'll call her Maria. She told me that in her first year as a manager, she'd fall into the 'tell' trap constantly. She was a great individual contributor, so she had the answers. But her team wasn't getting any better. Luna: What did she change? Lucas: She started using three questions in every one-on-one where a problem came up. First: 'What have you already tried?' Second: 'What do you think the best next step is?' And third — this is the key one — 'What would you do if you were me?' Luna: That third question is interesting. It flips the perspective. It makes them imagine they have the authority you have. Lucas: Exactly. And what Maria found was that about 80 percent of the time, the direct report already had a solid answer in their head. They just needed permission to own it. The other 20 percent, they'd surface a gap that Maria could help fill — but now she's filling a specific gap, not handing over a full solution. Luna: And the team starts solving problems on their own faster. You're building muscle memory. Lucas: Right. And there's a psychological layer here too. When you always give the answer, you can accidentally signal that you don't trust their judgment. Even if that's not your intent. The message they receive is 'I'm not sure you can handle this.' Luna: That's a big deal, especially when you're managing former peers. They're already sensitive to whether you see them as equals or subordinates. Lucas: Yeah. And coaching is the antidote to that. It says 'I trust you to figure this out. I'm here as a resource, not a crutch.' Luna: So how do you actually practice this in the moment? Because when the direct report is looking at you expectantly, it's hard not to fill the silence. Lucas: This is where having the questions memorised helps. You lean on them like a script. The direct report says 'We have this dependency on the data team and they're not responding.' Instead of saying 'Forward me the email, I'll talk to their manager,' you ask 'What have you already tried?' Luna: And if they say 'I tried emailing and Slack, no response' — then what? Lucas: Then you ask the second question: 'What do you think the best next step is?' Maybe they say 'I could walk over to their desk, but I feel like that's too aggressive.' At that point you can validate the idea — 'Walking over is fine, especially if they're not responding digitally.' But you didn't suggest it; they owned it. Luna: So the coaching frame is: you're not withholding help. You're just making them take the first step. Lucas: Precisely. And there's a second benefit I want to flag. When you coach this way, you learn a lot more about how your team thinks. You see their problem-solving process. Which means you can give much more targeted feedback later — 'Your analysis was thorough, but you missed considering the budget constraint.' That's way more valuable than just handing them the answer. Luna: It also surfaces who might need more structured development. If someone consistently can't come up with a next step, that's a signal you need to invest more in their strategic thinking. Lucas: Exactly. And that's a coaching conversation in itself. Luna: You know, this reminds me of something I read about a study at a large tech company. They looked at which managers had the highest-performing teams six months after promotion. The ones who scored highest on 'coaching' behaviors — asking questions, developing others — outperformed the ones who scored highest on 'directing' behaviors by a significant margin. Lucas: I've seen similar data. It's intuitive when you think about it: the directing manager creates dependency, the coaching manager creates capability. And capability compounds. Luna: So what's the one thing a new manager listening today could try tomorrow morning? Lucas: Pick one one-on-one where you know a problem is going to come up. Maybe it's a recurring topic. And commit to not giving a single solution. Just ask the three questions. See what happens. You might be surprised how often they already have the answer. And if they don't, you can guide them instead of carrying them. Luna: And if that one-on-one goes well, you build the confidence to do it in the next one. Lucas: Right. It's a skill. It feels unnatural at first because our instinct as new managers is to be helpful by being decisive. But the real help is making your team more self-sufficient. Luna: We talk about this kind of thing a lot on this show. And we've never run ads because we want to keep these conversations focused, not broken up by commercials. If that kind of approach has been valuable for you — whether it's a specific tip you've used or just thinking through a career decision — there's a way to support that: buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a simple way to keep the show ad-free and sustainable. Lucas: It genuinely helps. And we appreciate everyone who's done that. Okay, back to the coaching approach — one nuance I want to add. There are times when telling is actually appropriate. If there's a safety issue, a legal risk, or a deadline so tight that coaching would cost time you don't have. Then you give the answer. But those should be the exceptions, not the default. Luna: Right. So it's not a dogma against ever giving direction. It's about shifting the baseline from 'tell' to 'ask'. Lucas: Exactly. And I think this is even more important when you're managing someone who was your peer. Because the relationship is already navigating a power shift. If you come in too strong with answers, it can feel like you're showing off. Coaching signals 'I'm still your colleague, I just have a different role now.' Luna: That's a good point. And it also helps with the reverse — that former peer might be hesitant to push back if they disagree with a directive. But if you're asking questions, they feel more comfortable offering their perspective. Lucas: Yeah. The whole dynamic becomes more collaborative. Which is the goal of most new manager relationships anyway. Luna: So to wrap it up: three questions. 'What have you tried?', 'What's the best next step?', 'What would you do if you were me?' And the discipline to ask before you tell. Lucas: That's the framework. And if you try it, let us know how it goes. We'd love to hear — maybe that's a future episode. Thanks for listening.