Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1178 - Two People Who Can Change Your Child's School Life

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#1178 - Two People Who Can Change Your Child's School Life · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: If your child feels like they belong at school, they
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  Speaker 1: do better. They do better not just at school, but
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  Speaker 1: in life for up to ten years later. Today what
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  Speaker 1: school belonging is and how you can create it. Hello
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  Speaker 1: and welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real parenting Solutions
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  Speaker 1: every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. My name
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  Speaker 1: is doctor Justin Colson. I'm an author of I don't
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  Speaker 1: know like nine books, working on my tenth book at
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  Speaker 1: the Moment about raising boys, the co host and parenting
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  Speaker 1: expert on Channel nine's hit TV show Parental Guidance, and
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  Speaker 1: dad to six daughters and one grand baby. Normally I'd
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  Speaker 1: be doing the podcast with Kylie, my wife missus Happy Families,
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  Speaker 1: but unfortunately today she's not well and has said you're
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  Speaker 1: on your own, get it done. I'll try to be
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  Speaker 1: back tomorrow, so fingers crossed for Kylie. I'm sure she'll
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  Speaker 1: get better soon. So we all want our children to
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  Speaker 1: be happy, we want them to be successful at school.
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  Speaker 1: Unfortunately that's not the case for too many of our kids.
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  Speaker 1: For me, primary school was joy but high school were
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  Speaker 1: probably the worst six years of my life. Really, no
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  Speaker 1: positive memories at all of school except when I did
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  Speaker 1: well at the swimming carnival, it was tough. It was
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  Speaker 1: tough socially, it was tough academically. I just wasn't motivated
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  Speaker 1: to be there at all. My parents were paying a
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  Speaker 1: lot of money, they were focused on my grades. They
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  Speaker 1: wanted me to have great friends, They wanted to boost
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  Speaker 1: me up and enrich my life with extra curricular activities,
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  Speaker 1: and it, well, the bottom fell out. It just didn't work. Though.
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  Speaker 1: What if I told you that one of the most
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  Speaker 1: important factors for what my well being could have been
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  Speaker 1: at school and what your child's well being could be
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  Speaker 1: now at school, for both now and into the future,
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  Speaker 1: is their sense of belonging. So recent research from Monash
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  Speaker 1: University has shed light on this profoundly impactful idea of
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  Speaker 1: school belonging on both short term and long term mental
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  Speaker 1: health as well as school success that I've had on
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  Speaker 1: the podcast recently. Associate Professor Kelly and Allen was the
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  Speaker 1: lead researcher here, and I want to step you through
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  Speaker 1: some of this research because it really is eye opening.
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  Speaker 1: They followed over fifteen hundred individuals from adolescents so notice
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  Speaker 1: this is high school kids, not primary school kids, through
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  Speaker 1: to adulthood. They looked at the link between their feelings
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  Speaker 1: of connection while they were at school and their mental
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  Speaker 1: wellbeing later in life, and here's what they found. Those
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  Speaker 1: children who felt a strong sense of belonging in high
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  Speaker 1: school experienced fewer mental health challenges in their twenties. Let
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  Speaker 1: me say that again. You feel like you're connected, you
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  Speaker 1: feel like you belong, feel like you're part of the community,
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  Speaker 1: You're contributing and receiving nicely and in the right way
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  Speaker 1: from the school, and you have better mental health fewer
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  Speaker 1: mental health challenges in your mid to late twenties. Fascinatingly,
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  Speaker 1: this connection was evident even when they controlled for or
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  Speaker 1: accounted for statistically other factors like how well you did
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  Speaker 1: academically and the quality of your family relationships. In other words,
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  Speaker 1: when you feel like you fit in, that you matter,
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  Speaker 1: that you're part of the school community, that has a
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  Speaker 1: lasting positive impact on your mental health. In fact, some
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  Speaker 1: research from the United States highlights that if your kids
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  Speaker 1: can show up at school and just have two things,
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  Speaker 1: just two things, it will build school belonging. Number One,
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  Speaker 1: an adult that they're excited to see and who is
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  Speaker 1: excited to see them. I remember, for our eldest daughter.
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  Speaker 1: That was mister Cotter. Mister Cotter was a science teacher
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  Speaker 1: at Woollongong Performing Arts High School, and our eldest daughter
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  Speaker 1: she was really struggling at school. She was struggling socially.
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  Speaker 1: She didn't like it there. It was hard work. And
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  Speaker 1: then she went into grade eight and met mister Cotter,
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  Speaker 1: and all of a sudden life changed. She couldn't wait
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  Speaker 1: to go to school on days when mister Cotter was
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  Speaker 1: going to be teaching science. Previous to that, she'd also
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  Speaker 1: hated science. But one adult who delights in your child
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  Speaker 1: and who your child finds great joy in, Oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 1: and please I don't need all the whole of it.
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  Speaker 1: This sounds really sinister. I'm talking about innocent, beautiful, high quality,
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  Speaker 1: positive relationships between a teacher or another adult and your child.
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  Speaker 1: It does happen, and you don't have to. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: there are so many bad examples of it, but there
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  Speaker 1: are also millions more positive examples. So please don't go
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  Speaker 1: to dark places here. I'm talking about wholesome and positive
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  Speaker 1: and uplifting and hopeful relationships. If your child walks in
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  Speaker 1: the school gate and there is one significant adult at
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  Speaker 1: school that they're excited to see and who is excited
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  Speaker 1: to see them. Oh, that's half the battle, and that
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  Speaker 1: promotes school belonging. The second critical relationship is having a friend,
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  Speaker 1: somebody who sees your child walk through the school gates
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  Speaker 1: and says, hey, come sit with me, or who says, hey,
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  Speaker 1: what happened last night or what are you doing this?
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  Speaker 1: Just just that one person. Unfortunately for Chanel in that
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  Speaker 1: particular school environment, she didn't have that. It was really
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  Speaker 1: challenging for her. But we gave her a a trial
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  Speaker 1: day at a private school down the road, and when
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  Speaker 1: she went in there she found the teachers delightful. But
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  Speaker 1: she also had one or two friends who actually they
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  Speaker 1: weren't initially friends. They were just people who met her
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  Speaker 1: and said, hey, you're a new girl, come sit with us.
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  Speaker 1: We would love to get to know you. We think
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  Speaker 1: you'd fit right in here. And that led to what
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  Speaker 1: ultimately was a very very happy school experience for our
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  Speaker 1: eldest daughter. The idea of school belonging if there can
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  Speaker 1: just be two people, a friend and an adult who
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  Speaker 1: can make your kids feel amazing, that's when they know
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  Speaker 1: that they belong at school. After the break on the
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  Speaker 1: happy family's podcast, Why school belonging matters so much and
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  Speaker 1: how we as parents can foster that sense of belonging
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  Speaker 1: for how the children. We're talking about school belonging and
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  Speaker 1: how our kids can thrive both at school and later
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  Speaker 1: on in life for up to ten years when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to mental health and well being if they feel
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  Speaker 1: like they've got a good level of school belonging. So
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  Speaker 1: when children feel like they belong at school, when they
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  Speaker 1: feel like they're welcomed and valued and supported, here's what
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  Speaker 1: research shows. They're much more likely to engage in learning,
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  Speaker 1: the more motivated, them more attentive, the more eager to
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  Speaker 1: participate in classroom activities. They develop more positive relationships. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: this is a social resource, and when you've got that
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  Speaker 1: social resource, it makes it easy to accumulate more of it.
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  Speaker 1: They tend to feel more comfortable interacting with peers and teachers.
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  Speaker 1: They foster friendships and a sense of community. I was
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  Speaker 1: talking to a young man just the other day and
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  Speaker 1: he was struggling not in a school environment, but in
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  Speaker 1: a church environment. Same same though really in terms of
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  Speaker 1: seeing these people frequently and having good relationships. He was
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  Speaker 1: struggling to form a connection with just one person who
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  Speaker 1: would say, hey, come sit with us. We're really glad
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  Speaker 1: you hear. And so he was looking to head to
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  Speaker 1: a different place for church and for his spiritual fulfillment.
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  Speaker 1: Why because he wasn't having the comfortable, positive interactions with
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  Speaker 1: his peers that he needed, and therefore he did not
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  Speaker 1: feel the sense of community, and therefore he didn't feel
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  Speaker 1: that he belonged, and therefore he wanted to go somewhere else.
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  Speaker 1: The research also shows a higher propensity of capacity to
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  Speaker 1: cope with stress because the support system is there to
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  Speaker 1: turn to when academic or social challenges arise, and there's
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  Speaker 1: more resilience in kids who feel like they belong at school.
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  Speaker 1: They just they feel like they're worth something and they've
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  Speaker 1: got the confidence to navigate lives ups and downs. So
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  Speaker 1: how do we foster this sense of belonging, particularly if
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  Speaker 1: we've got a child who does not feel like they
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  Speaker 1: belong at school? What if this is not working? What
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  Speaker 1: if your kids are saying I don't belong It doesn't
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  Speaker 1: feel good for me at all. I'm going to share
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  Speaker 1: with you what I think are three suggestions that can
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  Speaker 1: make a big difference. These are calls to action for
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  Speaker 1: you as a parent. These are literally action steps to
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  Speaker 1: help your child to feel like they belong, particularly if
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  Speaker 1: they don't. The first is partnering with the school, and
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  Speaker 1: there are two. Actually, I think there are three ways
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  Speaker 1: you can do it. At number one, you can open
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  Speaker 1: up communication with the school, so connect with your child's teachers.
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  Speaker 1: Don't walk in there with all guns blazing and say
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  Speaker 1: my child doesn't feel like they belong. You're doing it wrong.
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  Speaker 1: I want to see change. Like partnering means we sit
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  Speaker 1: down with our child's teacher and we say, I'm noticing
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  Speaker 1: something at home. What are you seeing? How can we
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  Speaker 1: work together to help my child feel like they belong
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  Speaker 1: because we know that this will make a difference. So
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  Speaker 1: this means a gentle and polite email, maybe having a meeting,
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  Speaker 1: attend school events, show up at the parent teacher meetings,
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  Speaker 1: be an active participant in your child's life. That's how
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  Speaker 1: you partner with the school. With that open communication, I
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  Speaker 1: think in harmony with that. The second thing to emphasize
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  Speaker 1: is how we can advocate. That means that we don't
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  Speaker 1: hesitate to reach out the school counselor or other support stuff.
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  Speaker 1: Too many parents are too slow. They don't want to
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  Speaker 1: look like they're being an impediment. I know that the
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  Speaker 1: helicopter parent sort of what is it that the example
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  Speaker 1: of the helicopter parent is that they're in the teachers
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  Speaker 1: or the school's face all the time. Yes, there are
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  Speaker 1: some of those parents, but overwhelmingly, my experience has been
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  Speaker 1: that parents are reluctant to step forward. They're hesitant to
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  Speaker 1: do so. And the third thing in terms of partnering
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  Speaker 1: with the school is support the schools and initiatives like
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  Speaker 1: get involved in school activities and events that are going
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  Speaker 1: to promote that sense of community and belonging. Get to
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  Speaker 1: know what's going on at the school, Volunteer for tuch shop,
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  Speaker 1: or volunteer to help out on cross country day, or
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  Speaker 1: just be useful around the place. If you've got the capacity,
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  Speaker 1: it makes a huge difference. All right, that's the first
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  Speaker 1: one partnering with the school. Second idea that I want
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  Speaker 1: to share is just how you can nurture connections at home,
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  Speaker 1: having family time, providing emotional support, helping your kids to
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  Speaker 1: develop strong social skills by getting them to engage in
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  Speaker 1: activities that are going to foster friendships outside of school.
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  Speaker 1: Those the kinds of things that are going to help
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  Speaker 1: them to be more socially competent and capable when they
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  Speaker 1: show up at school. And the third thing is champion
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  Speaker 1: their interests. Okay, so we're not just advocating for them
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  Speaker 1: at school. We're not just trying to nurture connections at home.
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  Speaker 1: We're championing their interests by encouraging them to explore those
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  Speaker 1: interests and passions, those extra curricular activities or things at school.
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  Speaker 1: We're celebrating their strengths and looking at what they're doing
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  Speaker 1: well and just getting them the confidence to keep doing it.
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  Speaker 1: And where we can, we're promoting and fostering and centralizing
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  Speaker 1: autonomy in their life, which means giving them major, appropriate
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  Speaker 1: choices and responsibilities and letting them make decisions and experience
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  Speaker 1: the consequences of those decisions when they make choices that
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  Speaker 1: aren't necessarily the best choices within safe boundaries. Of course,
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  Speaker 1: here's the bottom line. School belonging is not just about
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  Speaker 1: feeling happy and comfortable in the classroom, although that's a
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  Speaker 1: big part of it. It's a crucial ingredient for long
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  Speaker 1: term mental health and well being. And if we can
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  Speaker 1: partner with the school and nurture connections at home and
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  Speaker 1: really elevate our kids' interests and support them as they
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  Speaker 1: seek to become increasingly confident and comfortable and able. They
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  Speaker 1: become more confident themselves and build a stronger foundation for making.
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  Speaker 1: It all sound sickly sweet and saccherin, but they built
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  Speaker 1: a stronger foundation for a happier life. They like. The
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  Speaker 1: outcomes are there, The research outcomes are there. Help your
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  Speaker 1: kids to belong at school to the very best that
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  Speaker 1: you can, and, like I said, partner with the school
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  Speaker 1: as much as it's reasonable to do it. I hope
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  Speaker 1: this has been useful. If you would like more information,
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  Speaker 1: check out the idea of school belonging on any of
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  Speaker 1: the social media platforms, or just google it and talk
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  Speaker 1: to the school about it. It will make a difference
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  Speaker 1: in your children's lives. The Happy Family's podcast is produced
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  Speaker 1: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. So I hope Kylie's
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  Speaker 1: back tomorrow. It's just more fun with Kylie, isn't it.
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  Speaker 1: Otherwise I just sound like I'm this guy telling you
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  Speaker 1: what to do. I'm so sorry. Anyway, if you'd like
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  Speaker 1: more information and more resources to make family happy, to
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  Speaker 1: check out the show notes. We'll link to some stuff
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  Speaker 1: about school belonging. They're obviously happy families, dot com, dot a,
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  Speaker 1: you