Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / The Boss Who Never Gives Feedback and How to Get It Anyway
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this story that stuck with me. A product manager at Google — let's call her Sarah — went almost two years without a single piece of direct feedback from her manager. No annual review that had any substance, no quarterly check-in worth the name, no 'hey, here's something to work on.' Just silence. Luna: Two years. That's wild. What did she do? Lucas: She started quietly job hunting, because she figured she was either invisible or doing terribly and nobody cared enough to tell her. That's the thing about feedback deprivation — your brain fills the void with the worst possible story. Luna: And she was a high-performer. I've heard that pattern before. The people who most want feedback are usually the ones who least need it. Lucas: Exactly. The quiet quitters aren't the ones asking for a performance conversation. So today I want to talk about the boss who never gives feedback — why they do it, and what you can actually do about it, because waiting isn't a strategy. Luna: Let's start with the 'why' because it matters for how you approach them. What's driving the silence? Lucas: I think there are three main reasons. First: fear. A lot of managers are terrified of conflict. They'd rather say nothing than risk a difficult conversation. Second: they don't know how. They were promoted for their technical skill, not for coaching people. And third: they're just overwhelmed. They have too many direct reports and not enough hours. Giving thoughtful feedback takes time. Luna: Number two is huge. There's a 2023 Gallup study that found only about 30% of managers feel they've received any training on how to have performance conversations. So you've got managers flying blind. Lucas: Right. And that's not malice, it's incompetence. But the effect on the employee is the same. So what do you do when you're in Sarah's position? Luna: I think the first move is to reframe it in your own head. This isn't about cornering your boss or being pushy. It's about getting information you need to do your job well. Lucas: Exactly. And there's a practical four-step script that works. Step one: schedule a dedicated meeting. Not a 'quick chat' tacked onto something else. A 30-minute calendar invite with an agenda that says 'feedback and development.' Luna: That sets the expectation. And it gives your boss time to think. If they're conflict-averse, surprising them in the hallway is the worst move. Lucas: Step two: come with specific, low-stakes questions. Don't ask 'how am I doing?' — that's too broad. Ask 'in the last month, was there a moment where you saw me handle something well, and one where you think I could have done better?' Luna: I love the specificity. It makes it easier for them to answer. They're not grading you on everything, they're just recalling two moments. Lucas: Step three: if they still dodge, give them an out. Say something like 'I know you're busy, so even a one-sentence reaction would help me.' That lowers the bar. And step four: follow up in writing. Send a short email: 'Thanks for the input on X and Y. I'll focus on Y going forward.' That creates a paper trail and signals you're serious. Luna: The written follow-up is key. It also forces them to correct you if they disagree, which is a form of feedback in itself. Lucas: And if you do that twice and still get nothing? Then you have to escalate your strategy. You can go to your boss's boss — carefully, framing it as 'I want to be more effective and I'm not getting guidance.' Or you can find a mentor elsewhere in the company. Luna: But that's a risk. Some managers feel undermined if you go over their head. Lucas: It is a risk. So you weigh it. If you're already thinking about leaving, what do you have to lose? But before that, there's another tactic: ask for feedback on a specific deliverable. 'I just finished the quarterly report — could you look at pages 3 through 6 and tell me if the data narrative works?' That's concrete, it's about the work, not about you. Luna: And it's harder to ignore because it's a direct ask about something they can see. I've used that myself. It works more often than you'd think. Lucas: Now, there's a bigger question here. When is the silence a signal that you should leave? Not every feedback-averse boss means a bad job. But there are patterns. Luna: Right. If you've tried the script, you've tried the specific deliverable ask, you've gone to a mentor, and you're still in the dark after six months? That's a pattern. Lucas: Yeah. And especially if you see the same silence with colleagues — if nobody on the team gets feedback — that's a management culture problem. It's not you. And you can't fix a culture from the bottom. Luna: That's a hard but important boundary. You can only work on your side of the equation for so long. Lucas: Let me pause here for a second. If today's episode was useful to you and you want to keep it ad-free, buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo helps. That's literally what funds these conversations. Luna: Yeah, it's a small thing that makes a big difference for us. Back to the topic — one thing I want to add is the research on feedback and engagement. Lucas: Please. What does the data say? Luna: Gallup also found that employees who receive regular feedback — even if it's critical — are nearly three times more engaged than those who get none. The absence of feedback is actually more damaging than negative feedback. Lucas: That matches everything I've seen. People can handle a tough conversation. They can't handle being invisible. And the irony is, managers who avoid feedback think they're being nice. They think silence is neutral. But it's not neutral — it's corrosive. Luna: So what do you say to the manager who might be listening? The one who realizes they're doing this? Lucas: Start small. Pick one person on your team and schedule a 15-minute check-in. Ask them two questions: 'What's going well for you? What's one thing I could do to support you better?' That's it. You don't have to have all the answers. Just start the habit. Luna: And if you're the employee and your boss still won't budge after all that — any final tactical move? Lucas: Look for a lateral move inside the company. Find a team where the manager has a reputation for developing people. That's often easier than getting a new job externally, and it sends a signal to your current boss without you having to say a word. Luna: That's a good point. The internal job market is underused. And it forces the organization to confront why someone would leave a good role. Lucas: Right. And if there's no internal option? Then you start building your exit plan. Because a career where you never get feedback is a career where you never grow. And you deserve to grow. Luna: That's the line. Feedback is fuel for growth. Without it, you're running on empty. Lucas: So to sum it up: don't wait. Use the four-step script. If that fails, try the specific deliverable ask. If that fails, go to a mentor or consider a lateral move. And if the whole culture is silent, start planning your exit. You're not being difficult — you're being professional. Luna: And to Sarah, if she's listening — I hope she found a manager who sees her. Lucas: Me too. That's all for today. Thanks for listening.