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05 - A Confession - Leo Tolstory · Philosophy and Faith

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  Speaker 1: Chapter five of a confession by Leo Tolstoi. But perhaps
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  Speaker 1: I have overlooked something or misunderstood something, I said to
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  Speaker 1: myself several times. It cannot be that this condition of
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  Speaker 1: despair is natural to man. And I sought for an
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  Speaker 1: explanation of these problems in all the branches of knowledge
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  Speaker 1: acquired by man, not from idle curiosity or listlessly, but
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  Speaker 1: painfully and persistently, day and night. Sought as a perishing
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  Speaker 1: man seeks for safety. And I found nothing. I sought
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  Speaker 1: in all the sciences, but far from finding what I wanted,
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  Speaker 1: became convinced that all who, like myself, had sought knowledge
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  Speaker 1: for the meaning of life had found nothing. And not
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  Speaker 1: only had they found nothing, but they had plainly acknowledged
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  Speaker 1: that the very thing which made me despair, namely the
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  Speaker 1: senselessness of all life, is the one indubitable thing that
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  Speaker 1: man cannot know. I sought everywhere, and thanks to a
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  Speaker 1: life spent in learning, and thanks also to my relations
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  Speaker 1: with the scholarly world, had access to scientists and scholars
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  Speaker 1: in all branches of knowledge, and they readily showed me
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  Speaker 1: all their knowledge, not only in books but also in conversation,
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  Speaker 1: so that I had at my disposal all that science
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  Speaker 1: has to say on this question of life. I was
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  Speaker 1: long unable to believe that it gives no other reply
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  Speaker 1: to life's questions than that which it actually does give.
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  Speaker 1: It long seemed to me, when I saw the important
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  Speaker 1: and serious air with which science announces its conclusions, which
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  Speaker 1: have nothing in common with the real questions of human life,
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  Speaker 1: that there was something I had not understood. I long
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  Speaker 1: was timid before science, and it seemed to me that
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  Speaker 1: the lack of conformity between the answers and my questions
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  Speaker 1: arose not by the fault of science, but for my
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  Speaker 1: own ignorance. But the matter was for me not a
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  Speaker 1: game or an amusement, but one of life and death.
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  Speaker 1: And I was involuntarily brought to the conviction that my
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  Speaker 1: questions were the only legitimate ones forming the basis of
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  Speaker 1: all knowledge, and that I, with my questions, was not
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  Speaker 1: to blame but science, if it pretends to reply to
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  Speaker 1: those questions. My question, that which at the age of
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  Speaker 1: fifty brought me to the verge of suicide, was the
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  Speaker 1: simplest of questions, lying in the soul of every man,
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  Speaker 1: from the foolest child to the wisest elder. It was
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  Speaker 1: a question without an answer to which one cannot live.
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  Speaker 1: As I had found by experience, it was what will
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  Speaker 1: come of what I am doing today or shall do tomorrow?
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  Speaker 1: What will come of my whole life? Differently expressed, the
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  Speaker 1: question is why should I live? Why wish for anything
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  Speaker 1: or do anything? It can also be expressed, thus, is
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  Speaker 1: there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death
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  Speaker 1: awaiting me does not destroy? To this one question, variously expressed,
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  Speaker 1: I sought an answer in science, and I found that
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  Speaker 1: in relation to that question, all human knowledge is divided,
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  Speaker 1: as it were, into two opposite hemispheres, at the end
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  Speaker 1: of which there are two poles, the one the negative
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  Speaker 1: and the other a positive. But that neither at the
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  Speaker 1: one pole nor the other is the answer to life's questions.
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  Speaker 1: The one series of sciences seems not to recognize the question,
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  Speaker 1: but replies clearly and exactly to its own independent questions.
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  Speaker 1: This is a series of experimental science. At the extreme
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  Speaker 1: end of it stands mathematics. The other series of sciences
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  Speaker 1: recognizes a question but does not answer it. That is
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  Speaker 1: a series of abstract sciences. At the extreme end of
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  Speaker 1: it stands metaphysics. From early youth, I had been interested
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  Speaker 1: in the abstract sciences, but later the mathematical and natural
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  Speaker 1: science has attracted me. And until I put my question
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  Speaker 1: definitely to myself, until that question itself had grown up
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  Speaker 1: within me, urgently demanding a decision, I contented myself with
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  Speaker 1: those counterfeit answers which science gives. Now in the experimental sphere,
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  Speaker 1: I said to myself, everything develops and differentiates itself, moving
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  Speaker 1: towards complexity and perfection, and there are laws directing this movement.
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  Speaker 1: You are part of a whole. Having learned as far
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  Speaker 1: as possible the whole, and having learned the law of evolution,
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  Speaker 1: you will understand also your place in the whole, and
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  Speaker 1: will know yourself. Ashamed as I am to confess it,
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  Speaker 1: there was a time when I seemed satisfied with that.
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  Speaker 1: It was just the time when I was myself becoming
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  Speaker 1: more complex and was the development. My muscles were growing
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  Speaker 1: and strengthening, my memory was being enriched, my capacity to
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  Speaker 1: think and understand was increasing. I was growing and developing,
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  Speaker 1: and feeling this growth in myself. It was natural for
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  Speaker 1: me to think that such was the universal law in
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  Speaker 1: which I should find the solution of the question of
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  Speaker 1: my life. But a time came when the growth within
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  Speaker 1: me ceased. I felt that I was not developing but fading.
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  Speaker 1: My muscles were weakening, my teeth falling out, and I
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  Speaker 1: saw that the law not only did not explain anything
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  Speaker 1: to me, but that there had never been, nor could be,
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  Speaker 1: such a law, and that I had taken for a
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  Speaker 1: law what I had found in myself. At a certain
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  Speaker 1: period in my life, I regarded the definition of that
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  Speaker 1: law more strictly, and it became clear to me that
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  Speaker 1: there could be no law of endless development. It became
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  Speaker 1: clear that to say, in infinite space and time, everything develops,
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  Speaker 1: becomes more perfect, and more complex, is differentiated, is to
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  Speaker 1: say nothing at all. These are words with no meaning,
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  Speaker 1: for in the infinite there is neither complex nor simple,
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  Speaker 1: neither forward nor backward, nor better nor worse. Above all,
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  Speaker 1: my personal question what am I with my desires remained
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  Speaker 1: quite unanswered, and I understood that those sciences are very
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  Speaker 1: interesting and attractive, but that they are exact and queer
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  Speaker 1: in inverse proportion to their applicability to the question of life.
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  Speaker 1: The less their applicability to the question of life, the
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  Speaker 1: more exact and queer they are, while the more they
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  Speaker 1: try to reply to the question of life, the more
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  Speaker 1: obscure and unattractive they become. If one turns to the
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  Speaker 1: division of sciences which attempts to reply to the questions
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  Speaker 1: of life, to physiology, psychology, biology, sociology, one encounters an
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  Speaker 1: appalling poverty of thought, the greatest obscurity, a quite unjustifiable
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  Speaker 1: pretension to solve irrelevant questions, and a continual contradiction of
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  Speaker 1: each authority by others and even by himself. If one
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  Speaker 1: turns to the branches of science, which are not concerned
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  Speaker 1: with the solution to the questions of life, but which
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  Speaker 1: reply to their own specific scientific questions, one is enraptured
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  Speaker 1: by the power of man's mind. But one knows in
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  Speaker 1: advance that they give no reply to life's questions. Sciences
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  Speaker 1: simply ignore life's questions. They say, to the question of
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  Speaker 1: what you are and why you live, we have no
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  Speaker 1: reply and are not occupied with that. But if you
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  Speaker 1: want to know the laws of light, of chemical compositions,
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  Speaker 1: of the laws of development of organisms, if you want
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  Speaker 1: to know the laws of bodies and their form, and
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  Speaker 1: the relation of numbers and quantities, if you want to
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  Speaker 1: know the laws of your mind, to all of that,
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  Speaker 1: we have clear, exact and unquestionable replies. In general, the
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  Speaker 1: relation of the experimental sciences to life's question may be
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  Speaker 1: expressed thus, question why do I live? Answer? In infinite
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  Speaker 1: space and infinite time. Infinitely small particles change their forms
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  Speaker 1: in infinite complexity. And when you have understood the laws
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  Speaker 1: of these mutations of form, you will understand why you
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  Speaker 1: live on Earth. Then, in the sphere of abstract science,
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  Speaker 1: I said to myself, all humanity lives and develops on
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  Speaker 1: the basis of spiritual principles and ideals which guide it.
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  Speaker 1: Those ideals are expressed in religions and sciences, and arts,
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  Speaker 1: and in forms of government. Those ideals become more and
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  Speaker 1: more elevated, and humanity advances to the highest welfare. I
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  Speaker 1: am part of humanity, and therefore my vocation is to
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  Speaker 1: forward the recognition and the realization of the ideals of humanity.
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  Speaker 1: And at the time of my weak mindedness, I was
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  Speaker 1: satisfied with that. But as soon as the question of
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  Speaker 1: life presented itself clearer to me, those theories immediately crumbled away.
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  Speaker 1: Not to speak of the unscrupulous obscurity with which those
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  Speaker 1: sciences announce conclusions formed on the study of a small
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  Speaker 1: part of mankind as general conclusions, not to speak of
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  Speaker 1: the mutual contradictions of different adherents of this view as
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  Speaker 1: to what the ideals of humanity are. The strangeness, not
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  Speaker 1: to say stupidity, of the theory consists in the fact
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  Speaker 1: that in order to reply to the question facing each man,
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  Speaker 1: what am I? Or why do I live? Or what
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  Speaker 1: must I do? One must first decide the question what
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  Speaker 1: is the life of the whole which is to him
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  Speaker 1: unknown and of which he is acquainted with one tiny
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  Speaker 1: part in one minute of time. To understand what he is,
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  Speaker 1: one man must first understand all this mysterious humanity consisting
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  Speaker 1: of people such as himself, who do not understand one another.
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  Speaker 1: I have to confess that there was a time when
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  Speaker 1: I believed this. It was the time when I had
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  Speaker 1: my own favorite ideals justifying my own caprices, and I
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  Speaker 1: was trying to devise a theory which would allow one
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  Speaker 1: to consider my caprices as the laws of humanity. But
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  Speaker 1: as soon as the question of life arose in my
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  Speaker 1: soul in full clearness, that reply at once fell to dust,
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  Speaker 1: and I understood that as in the experimental sciences, there
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  Speaker 1: are real sciences and semi sciences which try to give
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  Speaker 1: answers to questions beyond their competence. So in this sphere
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  Speaker 1: there is a whole series of the most diffused sciences
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  Speaker 1: which try to apply to irrelevant questions, semi sciences of
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  Speaker 1: that kind. The judicial and social historical endeavor to solve
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  Speaker 1: the questions of man's life by pretending to decide each
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  Speaker 1: in its own way, the questions of the life of
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  Speaker 1: all humanity. But as in the sphere of man's experimental knowledge,
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  Speaker 1: one who sincerely enquires how we is to live cannot
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  Speaker 1: be satisfied with the reply. Study an endless space, the
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  Speaker 1: mutations infinite in time and incomplexity of innumerable atoms, and
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  Speaker 1: then you will understand your life. So also a sincere
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  Speaker 1: man can't be satisfied with the reply. Study the whole
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  Speaker 1: life of humanity, which we cannot either know the beginning
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  Speaker 1: or the end, or which we shall not even know
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  Speaker 1: a small part, and then you will understand your own life.
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  Speaker 1: Unlike the experimental semi sciences, so these other semi sciences
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  Speaker 1: are the more filled with obscurities in exactitudes, stupidities, and contradictions,
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  Speaker 1: the further they diverge from the real problems The problem
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  Speaker 1: of experimental science is the sequence of cause and effect
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  Speaker 1: in material phenomena. It is only necessary for experimental science
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  Speaker 1: to introduce the question of a final cause for it
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  Speaker 1: to become nonsensical. The problem of abstract science is the
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  Speaker 1: recognition of the primordial essence of life. It is only
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  Speaker 1: necessary to introduce the investigation of consequential phenomena such as
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  Speaker 1: the social and historical phenomena, and also becomes nonsensical. Experimental
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  Speaker 1: science only then gives positive knowledge and disploays the greatness
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  Speaker 1: of the human mind when it does not introduce into
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  Speaker 1: its investigations the questions of the ultimate cause. And on
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  Speaker 1: the contrary, abstract science is only then science and disploys
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  Speaker 1: the greatness of the human mind when it can put
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  Speaker 1: quite aside the questions relating to the consequential causes of
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  Speaker 1: phenomena and regards man solely in relation to the ultimate cause.
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  Speaker 1: Such in this realm of science forming the pull of
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  Speaker 1: the sphere. Is metaphysics or philosophy that science states the
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  Speaker 1: question clearly, what am I? And what is the universe?
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  Speaker 1: And why do I exist? And why does the universe exist?
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  Speaker 1: And since it has existed? It is always replied in
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  Speaker 1: the same way. Whether the philosopher calls the essence of
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  Speaker 1: life existing within me and all that exists by the
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  Speaker 1: name of idea or substance or spirit or will, he
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  Speaker 1: says one and the same thing, that this essence exists,
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  Speaker 1: and that I am of the same essence. But why
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  Speaker 1: it is he does not know and does not say.
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  Speaker 1: If he is an exact thinker, I ask why should
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  Speaker 1: this essence exist? What results from the fact that it
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  Speaker 1: is and will be? And philosophy not merely does not reply,
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  Speaker 1: But is itself only asking that question? And if it
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  Speaker 1: is real philosophy, all its labor lies and merely trying
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  Speaker 1: to put that question clearly, And if it keeps firmly
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  Speaker 1: to its task, it cannot reply to that question. Otherwise
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  Speaker 1: than thus what am I? And what is the universe?
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  Speaker 1: All in all nothing? And to the question why by
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  Speaker 1: I don't know? So that, however I may turn these
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  Speaker 1: replies to philosophy, I can never obtain anything like an answer,
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  Speaker 1: And not because, as in the clear experimental sphere, the
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  Speaker 1: reply does not relate to my question, but because here,
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  Speaker 1: though all the mental work is directed just to my question,
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  Speaker 1: there is no answer. But instead of an answer, one
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  Speaker 1: gets the same question only in a complex form. End
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  Speaker 1: of chapter five