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Get out of your Comfort Zone and get into your B.I.G Zone. · Authentic Living

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Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
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things that really matter in our lives.
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And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
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Hi, everyone.
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It's Rob Zander Derhodge.
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Thank you for tuning in again this week.
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To authentic living with Roxanne.
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Today, I have a colleague, that I'm so happy to welcome on to her show.
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It's Carol Sholta.
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Hi, Carol.
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How are you?
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I'm fine.
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Thank you.
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How are you, Roxanne?
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I'm so thrilled to be here.
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Thank you for having me.
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Well, you know, nice to come off, that long well, that weekend with, lots of travel and
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lots of family, lots of turkey saved here on on this end.
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Yes.
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Absolutely.
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So I'm
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gonna tell you a little bit about Carol because Carol's has quite a fascinating, background,
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one that intrigues me, and I know I have a lot of questions about her her path that she's
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taken in life.
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So I'll read a bit about her bio and, if there's anything that Mister Carol will will
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fill in the blanks, She's a professional speaker and a founder of an organization called
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Living Women Living Big.
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She she's on a mission to get women out of their comfort zones and into their big zones.
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And we're gonna talk about big because that's an acronym for, part of her brand.
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She's lived in Ash Rams in India, vans in New Zealand.
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That's the one I wanna know more about.
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Lost Thailand.
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I would say Jamaica, but let's talk about Thailand and shaved her head while raising
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money for breast cancer.
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A while, and she walks her talk.
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She recently came back and I recently met Carol at the Canadian Association of Professional
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Speakers where we're both members where she spent a year away on a remote, living and
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working, in a new country per month.
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Wow.
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And I'd heard about that when you had come back.
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So I'm I'm really interested in hearing a little bit more about that.
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And she's all about saying yes to life.
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She has a background in, theater performance.
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She's got an MA in communications.
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And she's worked with international audiences for almost, over 10 years and she's been not
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only been helping people, and women stand up on surfboards a divide gravity while indoor
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skydiving, and she can find her helping out with bereavement, facilitation.
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Training for a triathlons or practicing her serious carpool carpool karaoke game.
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So that I'm curious about.
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You're more about Lacero.
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So that's, what, what an interesting path you've taken.
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Is there anything that I've missed that maybe the listeners should hear about.
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I I don't think so.
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Hopefully, we'll we'll get into it as we go.
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But thank you for that.
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Yes.
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I I have a very, very background but, it's all really about living authentically.
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And I know that's what you're all about and saying yes to the next big opportunity that
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calls you, not being afraid to to figure it out as you go along.
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And ultimately, really be be who you are.
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So it used to be on stages.
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And then I taught communication at university for a while, and now I'm all about being the
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cheerleader that my mom was to me, which we'll get into, for other women because she really
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was my number of one fan, and a lot of why I do what I do and a lot of the traveling was
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actually motivated by, unfortunately, losing losing current, losing my best friend, my
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number one fan, and and now recognizing as cliches it sounds.
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Life is too short not to be living authentically and not to be doing those things
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that scare you because that's when life really happens and where it really gets rich and where
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you ultimately grow into the biggest version of you.
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So, you know, I listen to, you know, you talk about your mom being such a a she's obviously
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the nexus of what you've created.
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So I want you to, you know, I'm I've worked a lot with women, and I know you're surrounded in
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in your, coaching and you're speaking with women.
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What are some of the key things that you find the messages that you've heard from women, in
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your travels or in your on your path across the world above the is that they get about being
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female in the world and going after their goals.
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What are some of the things that you can kinda often hear from women?
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I think the wrong times from women, we hear a lot of excuses and reasons as to why they're
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not going after what it is that they want.
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And I think women are different in men in a lot of ways.
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And a lot of the research that I've done in terms of confidence and bravery and what that
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looks like is we're actually wired differently.
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We use different parts of our our brains.
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We actually are more risk averse than men are.
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We use 25% more of our hippocampus, which is the area of our brain, which is connected to
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connection and people.
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So we'd rather be liked than be respected.
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And so that prevents us for sometimes going out there in a bigger way.
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And, we also care a lot about what people think.
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We have, a lot of things that get in our way, and so I call them bravery killers.
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And, the top 3 bravery killers are perfectionism, people pleasing, and pozen
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percolating, and lessinating.
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So we wait until everything is perfect before we come out of the gates, which means that we
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often wait and don't do anything because we want things to be perfect.
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We don't wanna look bad.
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We have a, you know, we wanna look good.
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We have a fear of doing anything less than perfect.
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So we wait until we have 85 to 95 percent of the qualifications or certifications necessary
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before going after the next big thing, be it a job or promotion or opportunity.
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The second thing people pleasing, we care so much about what people think.
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And as women, we're so good at taking care of everyone else around us, putting ourselves last
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that, eventually we dim our own light or dim our own dreams or dim our own big ideas for
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lives because we wanna make sure everyone else is around us is great.
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But what I've learned is that when you're not being authentic to who you are, which includes
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going after your own goals, being true to your values, letting yourself shine, then you're
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doing a disservice, not only to yourself, but also the world.
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Because we need role models.
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And because when you're using your gifts to help other people, it allows everybody to step
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in to their light and do the same.
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So that's the second big one.
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And then third one, percolating, pausing, procrastinating, we wait.
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Doctor Seuss calls, calls up the waiting place.
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One of my favorite books and great business books.
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Oh, the places you'll go.
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He talks about this place where people are just waiting, waiting for a plane to come or a train
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to go or bus to go waiting around for a yes or no, waiting for the snow to sew, waiting for
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our hair to grow.
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Everyone is just waiting.
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And you know, we spend so much of our time waiting for things that are out of our control.
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6:93 hours on average for planes, trains, and, other forms for transports, 22 weeks waiting on
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hold for a favorite customer service representatives, the average of 6 months over a
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lifetime waiting in lines for bank tellers or amusement parks or grocery stores, but the
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other kind of waiting we do is more detrimental And we spent a lot of time waiting to feel good
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enough, waiting to feel ready, waiting for all of our ducks to be in a row, waiting for the
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perfect moment to magically arrive, and you and I both know Roxanne that that perfect moment
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will never magically arrive.
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It's when we choose it.
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And and it could be today if if we recognize that you know, we, we only have so much time.
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Nothing is guaranteed.
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And so we can't wait anymore to be perfect.
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We can't wait anymore for permission, and we can't wait to, to, you know, to please
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everybody and still be true to who we are and go after all that we want.
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So that's some of the biggest things I find when working with women.
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And long answer.
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Yeah.
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No.
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No.
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But but so, so very true.
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Right?
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So really, really pragmatic, things that people come up with.
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About why they can't do certain things.
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So if you think of, you know, I'm trying to think of the average person that might come
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come through some of your coaching or some of your events or those types of things.
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And oftentimes when I coach women, they will they will have really, really practical
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reasons.
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You know, I'm a single mom, you know, my partner is there for me, but he's not that
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supportive or, you know, these, you know, the economics aren't there sometimes.
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So there's always some valid, valid things.
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So what do you do?
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Tell me about some of the things that you expose people to that deep authentic space
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within themselves.
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Where they do slow down?
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What are some of the things that you do either at your events or your coaching that allows
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women to really kind of connect and listen
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to who they are, which I think is so important.
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And I I totally get it.
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You know, you you with the amazing work that you do with women.
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Sometimes they are valid reasons, but sometimes it's really hiding on top of what's really
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going on.
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And we're scared as women, but some of the things that I do, so I have a course.
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And actually, I'd be happy to gift it to any of your your listeners and and watchers called
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Spark Your Genius.
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And it goes through what each individual's g person's genius is.
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And it's not grand.
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I love acronyms, but it's getting clear on what your unique gifts are.
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What is your experience?
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What is your narrative?
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So all the three things that sort of contribute to who you are right here right now, which
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needs to be honored recognized and celebrated.
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But also to see that who you want and choose to be moving forward doesn't have to be limited
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based on that.
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So The eye is inspiration, you, unique values, and as service.
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What do you what is a service you wanna offer the world?
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So I take women through questions and exercises that they can do at their own time.
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To really get clear on what makes them special, unique, different.
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Who are they?
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And we're so busy that we don't the time to think about, oh, wow.
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What makes me different?
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What's based on my story and my my, you know, some of my messes?
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What is the big messenger?
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What is my purpose?
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And sometimes those questions can be very daunting and very overwhelming, but if you
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break it by step by step.
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You know, what are the things that come easily and naturally to you?
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What do people thank you for?
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You know, getting clear on some of these things that make you who you are, then you start to
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see things about you that you've maybe pushed down for too long because you've had to play
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other roles because you've been a single mom, because you've had to do all of these things
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and all these responsibilities that, you know, sometimes does do get in the way.
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Life can certainly get in the way, but when you start to reveal who you are at your core, you
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can recognize, well, maybe there are small things that I can do to to bring that part of
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me out again.
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And, you know, if it's if one of your values is adventure and you can't even remember the time
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you went on a hike or did something different or crazy, well, maybe it's time to bring that
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back in.
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So, I think awareness is such huge part, but asking specific questions for women to be able
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to highlight parks themselves that have made even dormant or they haven't exposed for a
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while is really important.
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So, really, sometimes it's very, very small things that people can actually do because they
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get overwhelmed, you know, with goals.
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Right?
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So it's kinda like, you know, I'm gonna use an example.
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I saw a girlfriend the other day.
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And at that time, she was never a runner, and I was I'm a you know, maybe 5, 10 k that at that
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point when I was running.
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And, so it was a friend of mine and her and, she had never any she wasn't ready running.
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And we were just went for a, you know, I'm not a very far run, and she was like turning red.
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Like, she was, you know, she, you know, was in relatively good shape, but wasn't running.
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And I remember talking to her.
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I just ran into her at the, grocery store just from my little town.
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And I said, remember that time when you went running with, myself and my other friend, and
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he was so beet red.
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And I said, we were killing ourselves laughing.
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She has since gone on, to do, she's been in the world, for her, or wore her category.
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She's gone and, exactly.
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She's qualified for the world a couple of times and had always said that I remember when we
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were younger, She had young kids and had had kids quite young, and she had always said that
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she wanted something special in in her world.
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So I was with her the other day at the store as we're packing her groceries and her trunks.
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And I said, remember that damage.
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I said, is it an interesting when you set yourself.
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At that point, she hadn't set us at her sites, and and competing at that level for her
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category and had gone on.
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I think she's gone to the world's twice has qualified twice at this time.
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A third time.
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What an impressive thing for a friend.
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Oh.
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And I, you know, she was saying that she was listening to the podcast.
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So I hope she to this one.
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She as a mom that had young kids had always said that she wanted to do something special
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found that within yourself and has just gone in an Ironman, a Half an Ironman just recently.
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You know, so that speaks to what you're saying, right?
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It's it's so true.
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We can put the roadblocks, but it's finding, you know, what it like, what's my story?
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You know, Where am I at?
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What do I love?
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Like, do I like painting?
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Do I like outdoors?
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Do I like reading?
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You know, what is it that I do?
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Do I like helping others?
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How can I be of service?
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Because that doesn't cost any money to be able to go out and volunteer somewhere, but it's
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having that belief in yourself that I'm have something to get back to the world, which is
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what I hear clearly that you do with the women that you come in contact with.
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Absolutely.
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Not only you know, do I have something to offer the world, but then I'm deserving of that.
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I'm deserving of showing up in in my best place, in my best light, and kudos to your
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friend because I think I think often when we have big dreams or big goals, We think that
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it's so big that we don't know where to start.
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And so when you say it's about starting small, it's absolutely about starting small.
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And in fact, one of the The great quotes that I love is, and I'm totally gonna butcher it, but
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it's this idea that it's only through small consistent acts.
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On a regular basis that you're gonna ever get to the big.
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Right?
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It's if you wanna live big, you gotta start small.
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And that's actually what my book that I'm writing right now is all about because I'm sure
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your friend would attest to the fact that, you know, she needed to learn to run around the
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block before she could then do a 5 k or a 10 k the problem is that women want to have it
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figured out right away, as I was mentioning before, that if they don't think they're gonna
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be good at it, they have this idea that they're never gonna be able to get at it.
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And, Carol DeWek does a lot of work on this growth mindset.
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And the idea that is women, we can't think that the skills we have today are the skills that
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we're only ever going to have for the rest of our life.
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We have to be willing to grow, get messy, try things out, and take one small step at a time.
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And I think I think something like a half iron man or iron man or a running race, that's what
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I love so much about the physical, activities and exercises that we do.
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I took women's do their first try and try just a few weeks ago and can attest to the, like,
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the sheer sense of accomplishment that they had crossed in that finish line.
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And it's actually not about crossing the finish line.
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It's about signing up for the race in the first place.
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It doesn't matter where you come in.
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I mean, the fact that your Frank qualified for World's Spice is incredible.
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But it's about doing the thing.
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Like, that's the goal, and that's the win.
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Right?
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And and that's what getting into your big zone is all about.
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It's it's experiencing it, not necessarily to check something off your list, even though, you
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know, I'm all about the buckets at the bucket list.
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It's really about who do you need to become in the process and just signing up for the thing
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is where you win.
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And, I think we need to train ourselves to recognize it's doing those small steps that's
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gonna get to the big things.
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Because you and I both know we can't put writing a book on our to do list or starting a
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podcast on our to do list, but it's Let's set up a phone call with somebody who's done that
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before and start to do the research.
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Let's spend 20 minutes brainstorming what we want might wanna talk about.
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Right?
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So it's it's breaking down those big goals and dreams that we have.
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There's something that's tangible that we can actually do that we'll start building the
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momentum we need to believe in ourselves enough to finally make happened.
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So what I'd like to talk a lot about because I know, with all of us that have gone through
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achieved goals, Sometimes that, you know, that chatter in our head is the, you know, is the
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one that we need to turn down.
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And we also need to turn up some other messages that become kinda like it's a bullhorn.
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Right?
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You're hearing the the the positive messages.
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And I, you know, what I know is that surrounding yourself with people that have like
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messages are key.
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So tell me tell me a bit about your mom because she sounded like she was amazing and what she
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did for you to be able to kind of, create that space and what you do for other women now to
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get that support in the present when they're starting to achieve goals.
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I know that's a big question, but
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it is a big question, but such an important one.
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And you're bang on, Roxanne, that we we all need to surround ourselves, surround ourselves
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by those who lift us up.
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And that's, I mean, BOPRA is a great day quote.
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Surround yourself only by those who lift you up.
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You know, and I always do a little little motion like this, but it's so true.
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I think I was very fortunate growing up in that my mom was my my big fan and biggest
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cheerleader.
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And when I was in theater, my in my past life, she was at every opening and every closing of
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every show I did and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.
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And I remember I almost didn't get back into theater school after the 1st year because we
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had to re audition to get back in and all of my teachers went to sit in this boardroom after I
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just given my my all and my experience on it and totally thought I had knocked out of the
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park.
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Basically, one by one, they told me why they thought I shouldn't be let back in because the
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common themes were stop trying to please daddy stop trying to go outside of yourself to seek
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approval.
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And I guess they had caught me in some of our weird exercises where they would ask us to do
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things like roll around on the ground with our eyes closed, expressing our emotions, and
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nothing, but, ah, and and I would be the one with my eyes looking at what everybody else was
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doing because I didn't trust that I knew how to do it or that I was good enough, just me.
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And so, you know, I called my mom after I was told that maybe I wasn't wasn't cut out for
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this.
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And She came to my rescue even at university, and we walked into the theater school
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director's office, Doctor Iris McGregor Betterman, And, you know, it turned out they
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did not want me in the program, but they wanted me to start, you know, trusting me and and
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believing myself.
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And so I think having her throughout my, my life was was huge because she knew exactly what
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I need to hear when I need to hear it, even if I didn't ask for she just got me.
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Like, nobody else has gotten me.
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And and maybe nobody else will.
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And I think, I was 24 when she passed away, and it was, devastating because I, you know, I was
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just starting to grow my theater career.
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And, I eventually moved back And for the first time in my life, finally felt purpose.
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Didn't feel like I wasn't good enough or wasn't tall enough or blunt enough or seen enough to
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land a roll or get the gig.
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I was where I needed to be.
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And then when she passed, I lost my number one fan, my purpose, and me all at the same time.
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And that's sort of what prompted my travels and living abroad because you know, I can share
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some of my stories and have people say, wow, you're really living big, but I was actually
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escaping big, hiding big because I wasn't ready to face life without that one person who
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believed in me.
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Now, eventually, I realized, okay, I gotta figure out my life and do something with it,
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which is why I went back to school, and I did a master thesis on end of life discourse or the
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lack thereof that takes place between family members at end of life.
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And, you know, really wanted to help with that communication because I think if you don't take
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care of unfinished business or have those difficult final conversations and not to go
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more of it on this conversation, but so many people find so many people will be there,
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especially women.
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You know, if you don't do that for you, then you have a harder time adjusting to life
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afterwards.
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And so I was fortunate that I, did a lot of research and did a lot of qualitative
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interviews with women who found themselves in similar places.
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And And I think having a cheerleader is so so important.
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Mhmm.
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And I realized that, you know, I think we we attach some of our identity in those people
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that, that believe in us who are there to cheer us on.
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But I was actually very lucky in having that in my mom, and there's a lot of women don't have
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that.
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And so now one of the things I love about the work I do is really getting to be that
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cheerleader that my mom was for me, for other women, And I've taken for granted that I even
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though I lost her at a young age, I had that at least growing up.
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And now Whether or not I do it consciously or subconsciously, I've always been very fortunate
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to have amazing women and people surrounding me who are there to lift me up and who are there
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to believe in me and encourage me because we all need that.
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We all have those voices, as you said, in our head.
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They're not going anywhere anytime soon.
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Is not going anywhere anytime soon.
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So what are we gonna do in spite of it?
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And one of the biggest things to make sure is that we do have those cheerleaders that I call
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it your positive posse or your positive peeps posse or your, empowerment entourage.
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Like, you need to have people around you who are gonna be there to cheer you on and and
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encourage you those days where, you know, you don't feel like getting out of bed because
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we're all gonna be there.
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Right.
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And then such a pop, you know, and and the research shows that, right, because we all will
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go through those dips, right, periodically.
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And it's kinda what we do in in those Not when we're good.
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We're all when we're good, we're good.
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Right?
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We we can do anything, but it's it's the in betweens and and so significant because that's
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when your cognitions get impacted your thoughts and what you tell yourself.
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And sometimes it's just picking up a a phone to talk to a friend that makes you really, really
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laugh.
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Or it could be a friend that says, okay, you know, basically to tell you enough enough or
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the friend that lets you purge and say, okay, are you done now?
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So again, it's a or or a coach or someone that really sees you for who you are versus the
22:34
space that you're at at that time.
22:37
And that speaks to the whole, you know, a lot of research are around resilience is because
22:42
most of us kind of feel like we wanna shut down like literally if you think about it.
22:47
But really if we if we kinda lean in and that's what resilience is saying, hey, I need some
22:53
support.
22:54
And and and you know, I'm not sure what I need, but I just need to talk to somebody that I I
22:58
know is there for me and oftentimes 2 heads are better than 1, 3 heads are better than 1.
23:04
And before you know it, you've you've kind of gotten out of the prefrontal, the emotional
23:09
part of the brain into that logical part of the brain, and I remind you.
23:12
Wow.
23:13
I did this, this, this, and this today.
23:15
But in the last 25 minutes, I put myself in this state.
23:18
So it's really to that what that support system does for you.
23:23
Now to me about some of the events that you've done and, because if they sound fascinating, I
23:28
was on your web side.
23:29
I I saw a beautiful picture with a lot of women.
23:31
So what what are those events about, and what do you get into at those events, that the
23:37
listeners might or viewers might be, interested in?
23:42
Well, we do lots of events that kind of physically ask you to get a little bit out of
23:47
your comfort zone because what I found in my research and then doing these events and
23:51
conferences is that when you are physically pushing yourself beyond what you thought
23:56
possible, then all of a sudden what becomes possible after that mentally in your life and
24:01
in your business, just skyrockets.
24:03
So we did our 1st female conference, almost 2 years ago, and it involved a lot of physical
24:11
elements.
24:11
So we had a, a phone pit where you could literally take the lead.
24:15
There was a ladder where you could jump off or leap off or fall off.
24:20
We had African dancing.
24:21
We had drum circle.
24:22
We had learning juggling.
24:26
Learning, self defense, sign language, all of these things that maybe women have always
24:30
wanted to do, but haven't been actually done or made happen.
24:34
And then on a monthly basis, we do events whether or not it's indoor skydiving or axe
24:39
throwing.
24:40
When I was living abroad, I did a different women living bigger in each country.
24:43
And so we would, depending on what was sort of big where we were at.
24:48
It was it required a lot of quick thinking and researching once I landed in the ground.
24:53
Okay.
24:53
Who are some local people I can connect with?
24:55
What seems to be big there?
24:56
So we did things like surfing and Lena Peru.
24:59
We did paragliding in Columbia.
25:02
We did a Vino and vulnerability night in Buenos Aires.
25:05
So we have wine tasting, but also you all have very vulnerable questions that everybody had
25:09
thrown into jars, and we got to know people on a very different level, which was huge too.
25:15
But really, it's an opportunity for for women to allow their most authentic selves to come
25:21
out but also to push themselves beyond what they thought possible, and a sense again of of
25:27
accomplishments and you know, when you face your fears and you're you're physically getting
25:31
out of your comfort zone, the growth that happens and the confidence and the bravery and
25:36
courage that comes as a result, goes on for way past that event because you've lived it.
25:42
You've experienced it.
25:43
You've felt it in your body, and you can go back to that moment and remember it.
25:46
So when you're coming up with those challenges or those voices are getting in your head again,
25:50
you can say, oh, I want skydiving.
25:53
If I did that, I can make this phone call, you know,
25:56
and they come out of me,
25:57
those reminders.
25:58
So it's just an opportunity for women to, yeah, to do these things that they've always thought
26:02
about doing so that they can surprise themselves in terms of what's actually
26:06
possible.
26:06
And it's it's great bonding.
26:08
You need some awesome women there.
26:10
One of the best compliments I've ever had for my events is they're like, I don't even know
26:13
what this event is about.
26:14
Like, I just signed up because I know I'm gonna meet the most amazing woman there.
26:17
So we've built a really, really great community.
26:20
And, Yeah.
26:22
We we get to have fun, push ourselves, and live big together.
26:28
So it's really out people being able to leave behind all responsibility, to get to try things
26:35
that, you know, normally, you'd have to coordinate to whatever can just go in and say,
26:40
oh, oh, I'd love to throw an axe or I'm afraid of heights, you know, and then having a
26:45
cheerleading team, I would think, around you, and then doing it.
26:49
I remember when I learned to scuba dive, I'll give you an example.
26:52
Okay, I grew up in the Caribbean.
26:53
I should be good with water.
26:55
Right?
26:55
Like, I mean, what's a big deal?
26:56
You know?
26:57
So I'm like, okay.
26:59
What's a big deal?
26:59
So I go,
27:01
you know, to a family member's pool.
27:03
I almost killed myself, I think, four times, right, because because I had to take off my
27:08
mask.
27:09
Well, I I like water, but, you know, the element of saying to me, I have to take off my
27:14
mask, I love water, but I didn't like the the issue of losing that sense.
27:20
So I had the instructor, you know, at the bottom of the pool with me, I mean, I was fine
27:24
when I kept saying I'm out of here.
27:26
So I took off my mask.
27:27
I would get back up because I was scared.
27:29
Kept getting scared.
27:30
Kept getting scared.
27:31
And then I remember him looking at me, and he said, when we were at the top yet again, he
27:35
said, just look at my eyes.
27:37
He said, all I want you to do before you take off your mask is to look at my eyes and
27:42
remember, all you have to do is to breathe.
27:45
You can't see me, but all you have to do is breathe.
27:48
And I remember I went back down, breed, grudgingly, because I had to get this
27:51
certification I remember looking at his eyes, phung his direction, taking it off, but of
27:58
course, you know, with the, you know, everything bubbles up, I'm not seeing anything.
28:02
And then I slowly because I had calmed down instead of being fearful, slowly put it back
28:08
on.
28:09
And like when you talk about those moments, right, I was like, wow.
28:14
What a big deal that was, right?
28:17
Because I was only 8 weeks.
28:18
I could I could have swam up, but it's the brain almost forgetting and thinking I couldn't
28:23
do it until I did it.
28:24
And what a magnificent experience that was because if I didn't do it, I couldn't do it in
28:30
open water.
28:31
And if I couldn't do it in open water, I wasn't getting my certification, and I would have
28:34
missed out of 10 years of some of the most amazing experiences happening in my life.
28:40
Right?
28:41
And, you know, so I could just imagine some of the things where even the women at the tri try
28:47
that go through it and they do it, what it was that euphoric experience, and the body, as we
28:52
know, as a psychotherapist, keeps the score.
28:55
In reverse.
28:56
So even when you're feeling down, you go back to that place.
28:59
You can kinda almost archive it again, and then it helps you to gain that momentum.
29:04
So I I think that sounds like a fantastic experience to be able to come out to an event
29:08
like that.
29:09
Well, thank you for sharing that story because that is huge.
29:12
For a lot of people, you know, don't take for for granted.
29:15
Don't take it lightly, like being in water and open water, but even in a pool, I mean, for a
29:20
lot of people, that is extremely scary.
29:23
And I think that's something that we have to remember.
29:26
And going back to what you were saying before, you know, we think we're afraid to ask for help
29:33
often, and we so we suffer in isolation because we wanna have it all figured out.
29:37
And women, especially, we compare ourselves to everybody else that we see out there.
29:41
Social media does not make it any easier.
29:43
And we assume that We're the only ones who are suffering and or we're the only ones that have
29:47
this fear, but it's all relative.
29:49
We all are going through our own demons.
29:51
We are all facing our own fears and That's that is a huge thing.
29:55
And you had a great line where you said I had to do it before I could think I could do it.
30:00
Like you just did it.
30:01
And I think that's with so many of these things.
30:03
We're not gonna have it figured out before we do it.
30:05
That's the whole point.
30:06
You know, life is uncertain.
30:08
We can't be certain.
30:09
Before we try something.
30:10
And so we have to get comfortable in the uncomfortable, and I know it sounds cliche, but
30:15
you're not gonna know if something's gonna work before you do it.
30:17
So you gotta do it.
30:19
And then you'll figure it out.
30:20
And then so it's that being brave enough to be able to say, okay, yes.
30:24
I'm gonna I'm gonna try this.
30:25
I don't know how it's gonna work.
30:26
You always regret the things you don't do way more than things that you do do.
30:29
And in your case, I mean, as these 10 years of, beautiful opportunities in experience is scuba
30:35
diving.
30:36
I can only imagine.
30:37
And so sometimes you do gotta face your fear in that moment, breathe, slow down, be be in the
30:43
moment too.
30:44
Right?
30:45
And and then convince yourself you can do it before you think you can.
30:50
So, you know, it's interesting, right, because a lot of times what's, my coaching clients or
30:56
my practice clients will they'll take someone that's they look at someone that they think I I
31:02
admire that person or I see them and they've achieved so much.
31:07
And they compare themselves to that person, not knowing the backstory.
31:11
And what I feel privileged to have seen with in my career, I'm sure you too, is that the people
31:16
that have really become successful have had such a story.
31:21
And then when you dig in when you share it with you, you go I would have never thought that
31:25
about you.
31:26
And, but women sometimes will compare to, well, I look at Carol or I look at, you know, Roxanne
31:32
or of Suzanne or something and I don't see that she's ever been through anything.
31:38
I just see the success and I think when women get together on on also men and, you know, not
31:43
to take away from any man living, listening today is when we share openly
31:49
we
31:49
are so much stronger.
31:51
Yeah.
31:51
Yeah.
31:52
Right?
31:52
But unfortunately, as we grow up in Western society, we get told, you know, it's it's all
31:57
about I.
31:57
It's not about It's about being able to rely on yourself.
32:00
It's not about reaching out, which we really realized that that truly is not that's not
32:05
resilience.
32:05
Resilience is connection.
32:07
And connections being vulnerable.
32:09
Letting
32:10
people see.
32:10
Absolutely.
32:11
We can only connect when we're vulnerable.
32:14
And I think you know, as you were mentioning before, it's so important to be able to share
32:18
and to connect and and recognize that again, like it's it's only in realizing we all have a
32:26
story that we're gonna be able to all get where we want to go.
32:28
And I think we can compare and we compare it to people's middle or end game when we're
32:32
sometimes starting out of the gates.
32:34
And that's more fundamental too.
32:36
Because if we look at some of these extremely successful people that we hold up on pedestals.
32:40
If we saw their first ever video online or, you know, what they look like when they first
32:44
started, it would be a very different story.
32:46
And so I think, I think if the responsibility of those who are at certain, you know, I don't
32:52
necessarily believe in levels, but who have had more success or have been in the, in the game
32:55
longer, to be actually brave enough to take back the curtain and and show what it was like
33:02
in those early days.
33:03
And And even those who are extremely successful quote unquote now, I've never met anyone and
33:09
tell me if you have and all of the work that I've done, and had the privilege to be able to
33:13
do, no one has ever had it all figured out.
33:16
No one.
33:17
We all are fig are figuring out as we go.
33:20
We all have stuff that's going on.
33:22
What, what looks like it is on the surface is never the full story or the reality.
33:26
So we have to be careful when we're comparing because we don't know what people have gone
33:31
through.
33:31
We don't know what people are going through.
33:33
And and what we see on social media and online is never, never the full story.
33:37
Isn't that the truth?
33:38
Right?
33:38
And then that's what a lot of people, they use that as their barometer bar barometer for
33:43
what's happening, and and that's off.
33:44
Unfortunately, not reality.
33:46
And I don't know if this is your experience, but I often thought when I started to get into
33:51
the speaking world, I would reach out to people that I thought was successful.
33:56
And the people that took the time, sometimes were the most successful people that I and then
34:03
I realized the other people that maybe were not as open to speak to me, oftentimes we're not as
34:09
successful as they portrayed.
34:11
So the people that spent the time and they sat and they gave me a half an hour of their time,
34:16
and I'm, like, blown away, you know, half an hour of their time was so valuable.
34:20
And other people, I thought, oh, I should be able to get in to meet with that person.
34:24
They would say to me, no, I don't have the time or, you know, are you sure, you know,
34:27
interesting.
34:28
Right?
34:28
So it's so important that you check what you consider support, before you kind of surround
34:35
your people with that net of people that you're gonna go to because sometimes we think, hey,
34:40
I'm gonna go to someone and then then you come away from them and you're thinking, why am I
34:43
second guessing what I knew before Yeah.
34:47
Right.
34:47
And so to really kind of make sure that when you make those choices that you're making it
34:51
with a reflective lens of what's really good for you.
34:54
Would you agree with that, Carol?
34:56
Absolutely.
34:56
Absolutely.
34:57
And I think we also have to be careful to, differentiating between our cheerleaders and
35:02
our mentors because I think when you're starting out or when you're unsure certain
35:05
area.
35:06
We can have so many people's opinions and wanna work with everyone and want everyone to like
35:10
us, but then it becomes more complicated and more difficult.
35:13
So, you know, I have the people that I turn to as my cheerleaders who are like, okay.
35:16
Can I do this?
35:17
Yes.
35:17
But if I wanna work with mentors or with people who are where I at, where I want to be, or
35:22
have, you know, or seasoned speakers, seasoned business owners, then you have to be careful
35:26
too because, you know, Everybody is going to be giving you their opinion.
35:32
Everyone's gonna say it works for them.
35:34
But I think going back to what you're all about living authentically just because it worked for
35:38
someone doesn't mean it's gonna work for you.
35:39
And just because this fellow famous speaker said you gotta do it this way, doesn't
35:43
necessarily mean it's going to work for you.
35:44
So I would say choose the few people who you do wanna work for from, learn from, rather, work
35:50
with, make sure you know who they are and that they're in alignment with who you are and your
35:55
values are similar.
35:56
But then also trust that you are gonna learn from a few people and that you don't have to
36:01
listen to everyone because ultimately we know what's best for ourselves.
36:06
And sometimes we need to be guided, and we need those mentors who paved the way already to say,
36:09
you know, do it like this or this worked for me, or Have you thought about it this way?
36:13
Cause I think the best mentors and coaches, I'm sure you would agree, are the ones who don't
36:17
tell you what to do, but they help help you discover what you already know to be true for
36:22
you or what what makes the most sense for you.
36:24
But then ultimately, you have to learn how to kind of listen to yourself and trust yourself
36:28
as well.
36:29
So I think it's a combination of, of choosing the few people that you want to Learn from,
36:34
follow, be mentored by, and then also surround yourself with the people who can cheer you on
36:38
so that you can ultimately listen to what makes the most sense for you.
36:41
Right.
36:42
And it's a it's a delicate balance, right, because you're trying to figure out as you're
36:45
beginning maybe in a new career or a shift and how do you do that, but know that eventually
36:51
when you do slow down and you really think about what's important to you, that's the most
36:57
important place to make that decision from.
37:00
Absolutely.
37:00
Right.
37:01
Because, you know, maybe Carol's life is not maybe what you want, but you like you like what
37:05
Carol's done.
37:06
But maybe you have a different perspective on things, but you can also achieve the goals that
37:11
you want, but it fit into your beliefs your values, you know, the the kind of community if
37:16
you have children, if you have young children, even say someone like myself at a different
37:20
stage, I could not have made the decisions that I'm making now with a teenager that I when I'm
37:25
when he was 2, just because, you know, you know, I'm that was the most important priority
37:31
But again, not comparing, you know, make sure that you're looking at people that have a
37:37
better fit stage wise also, are they successful, but are they successful, in line
37:45
with what you're wanting for yourself as you kinda create that path?
37:48
Totally.
37:49
Absolutely.
37:50
And I think when we're when we're starting out and we are more delicate and we have those
37:53
fears, we tend to do what whatever is told to us to do.
37:58
And then eventually we get this itchy feeling and it's, you know, we're supposed to be going
38:01
after our dreams and it's not feeling right because we're not in alignment with with our
38:06
own beliefs and our own values makes the most sense.
38:08
So I think constant check-in with ourselves is so, so important.
38:14
Yeah, So, Carol, you know, this has been a fascinating talk, and I I I could see how much,
38:20
alignment or or brands do have.
38:23
So for anything, do you have anything that is coming up that you'd like to share with the
38:28
listeners or the viewers that they could get involved with, or how do they reach out to you
38:33
if they're wanting to work with you.
38:35
Well, you can definitely go to women livingbig.com for carolshilton.com.
38:42
Either of those, I've got some, a living big manifesto that you can get and, get top reasons
38:49
why you may or may not need a bucket list and what that means, but I've got, a pretty
38:54
exciting program comp coming up, which called my big life.
38:58
And we get into, which we didn't have a chance today, but getting into the three areas of big,
39:02
what that means, and what that looks like in practice, and it's a combination of getting
39:07
clear, not only on your values, you create your personal mission and manifesto, really look at
39:14
the elements that it make up the biggest part of you and the work that you do, but we also
39:18
match it with experiential learning, which is what makes it so powerful.
39:21
So in drawing on it, we do things like edgewalk, indoor skydiving, ninja course.
39:28
And we're also doing it in other areas too.
39:30
So that's a really exciting, really exciting program, but I only work people at a time.
39:35
So I can share the link for an application to that.
39:37
But for anybody who is in the GTA on October 27th, women living big is turning 3 we are
39:44
going indoor skydiving, and we're doing an awesome workshop event called Ignite.
39:49
How to get out of your comfort zone and into your big zone.
39:52
And it's gonna be a really fun, fun day, and I would love to invite anyone who's interested in
39:58
coming along for the celebration and to to defy gravity and and go skydiving with us.
40:04
It's gonna be lots of fun.
40:05
Wow.
40:05
That sounds like a lot of fun.
40:07
So it's it's in Toronto.
40:08
Okay.
40:08
That's that's good to know.
40:10
So the 27th.
40:12
Well, Carol, this has been a pleasure, you know, and, what a value you're giving to people
40:20
out there, not just I'm sure men get also get value, but to women that I think sometimes
40:26
you're so right.
40:27
We take on so much responsibility that at the end of the day, you forget about yourself.
40:32
And just to have that permission to be around other women, may be a different ages or stages
40:39
or who have accomplished things or have made different decisions.
40:42
What a what a gift that is to be able to be around that and then try something new.
40:48
And what we know from the research doing you know, we may not feel like it.
40:52
We, you know, but once we start to move the emotion and the thoughts catch up after
40:57
afterwards, So, you know, research shows that with anybody that's down or depressed, get up,
41:04
do something, and then that eventually impacts how you think and feel which is what you're
41:09
doing, you know, with a lot of people.
41:11
And then the thought, right, like my little scuba diving thing, Like, then I thought I
41:16
could do anything.
41:18
Absolutely.
41:19
Right?
41:19
Cause I was so petrified at the bottom of that cool.
41:23
And since then, I've dove, you know, I've done shift direct dives and all those things, things
41:27
that I thought there is no way no way because I had to lose that one sense of sight, you know,
41:34
which was basically a complete loss of control for me, somewhere in my psyche.
41:39
So that gift that you're able to give women, to be able to experience those things, what what
41:45
are truly a blessing that you're giving to women out there.
41:48
So, again, thank you for taking the time, and, maybe we'll see you on the 27th.
41:54
I would love that.
41:55
Alright.
41:55
That would be great.
41:56
Well, thank you so much for for having your outstanding.
41:59
It's been great.
41:59
You are a delight, and you're doing such important work in this world, and I'm so
42:03
blessed to to able to be a part of your community today and looking forward to
42:07
continuing it.
42:08
Awesome, Carol.
42:08
So everyone, thanks again for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne.
42:12
If you're wanting more information, about authentic living, what you can do is go to
42:17
roxanderhodge.comforward/blueprint where there's a free course and how to be more
42:23
authentically connected to yourself.
42:25
So take care, and we'll chat with you again pretty soon.
42:28
Take care till next week.
42:30
Bye.
42:31
Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive,
42:37
healthy change.
42:38
Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist and coach to work with Roxanne, visit
42:44
rocksandurhaj.com/blueprint.
42:48
We'll see you next time, an authentic living with Roxanne.