Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep8: His Wife, Her Husband: Comedy Clash 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep8: His Wife, Her Husband: Comedy Clash 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: All those years of being married and now it's over.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: So all those years of raising the girls and now the family's broken up.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: So no more marriage?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Nope.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: No more wife.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: What's it like?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, please let me live vicariously through you.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Walter, divorce is not a good thing.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you can't lie to me, asshole.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: So what happened?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: What happened, Walter, is that unfortunately in our country these days, more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce, and sadly, mine was on that side of things.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Jeff, I never thought I'd say this to you, but you're my hero.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, what's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: To not think, uh oh, here she comes.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: You can leave your toilet seat up all the time.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'd hot blue mine open for God's sakes.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then shit in the backyard.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just because I could.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Walter divorce is painful.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, like a deep tissue massage.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: So how long's it been?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Almost three years now.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: So you dating anybody now?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Matter of fact, I am.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Oh good.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Female?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Clean other nose.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes that's the problem.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Honey, I got bad news and I got good news.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Bad news is I want a divorce.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Good news is I'm on your team now.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, let's knit, bitch.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so she's older?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Younger?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: How much younger?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't matter, guess it does.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, does she have nice boobs?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: That don't hang down past your knees.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Your moons hang low, do they lama do a girl?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Can you tie a man a nut?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Can you tie a man a ball?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Can you throw them over your shoulder like a cobbler and a shoulder do your chance?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: What do you hear a song like that?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't hear it or wrote it, dumbass.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: But you never sung it to your wife every morning.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's not funny.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, even the dog laughs at that.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: That last part was me, I know.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, do you make fun of your wife a lot?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's funny as hell, isn't it?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, your wife is supposed to be your soulmate.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: You wanna be the pot or the kettle?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Your wife's quite beautiful.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: He saw an old photo.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm kidding.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I married a petite young beautiful thing.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's literally eaten by the woman I live with now.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Look, Walter, I know for a fact that you love your family, you still love your wife, and I think that even at this age, every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Good lord.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like how?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Do you ever speak to your wife in a foreign language, like in French?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Some women love that.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: I call her a French name now and then.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Monsherry.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Quasi Lord.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: So is there romance between you two?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Well, not long ago, my wife left a trail of rose petals on the floor for me.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, into the bedroom?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right out the front door.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like where?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Top of the Empire State Building.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, we tried that.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: The security guard took one look at her and went, uh-oh, King Kong is back.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: See, just like that.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: You've been married for over 45 years.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever said anything to your wife that you truly regretted?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, will you marry me?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: I love you, shit like that.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, when your wife is in a romantic mood, do you ever think about taking one of those little pills?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Cyanide?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, I do actually.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, what does your wife put on when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Night vision goggles.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Then she sneaks around the house and hunts my ass down.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: It is scary stuff, my friends.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: When was the last time you even put your arms around your wife?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: A couple leaks ago when she was choking on a piece of steak.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: You see there he gave her the heimlick.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I know I was drunk.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what I was thinking.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was so close.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe we could do something simple like watching a movie together.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, every time we watch a movie, she falls asleep.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Then the next morning I have to drive back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Have you done anything fun in town here this week?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know I don't like getting out.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're a little bit of a hypochondriac.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, why don't you wear one of those paper masks?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Why, it's taper, it can't stop anything.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, hell, the Constitution is paper and it's never stopped our current administration.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I take it you're not exactly happy with our government right now?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Congress's approval rating is at 12%.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Jockitch has a higher rating than that.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: So you're paying attention to the presidential candidates?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: How would you feel about a female president?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, file with me.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Just whoever it is makes sure it's after she hits Ninoplaws.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Walter.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was there when my wife went through it.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: She had been president then.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Holy crap.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm screened, I'm clear.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: These fucking Russia looks together.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, um, what did you get your wife?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Uh mop.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you take the stick out, hey, it's a wig.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Where are you shopping for your wife?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: At the 99 cent store?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: What'd you get your grandson?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: A sponge?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a toy.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: It is when you convince him that's sponge lob.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: What did he say to that?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: He said, sponge lob is not blue with a scour side.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I said he is when he has an infection.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Keith's brother.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Walter, what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, nothing like today.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: What do you mean?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, they got all computer games and all that.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have that stuff.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, no.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Hell, if we want to play tennis, we actually went outside and swung a racket.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: None of that we crap.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: And playing the guitar, there were strings, not frickin' colored buttons.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hello! And there were no shoot-em-up games who actually went outside and killed the assholes.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I like the games when you shoot the aliens.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we shot a lot of foreigners.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we did that too, huh?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Walter, come on, what about people of other religions?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell am I supposed to do?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Walk around and ask everybody what they are before I say anything to them?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: You're Catholic and you're Protestant?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Well, Larry Christmas.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're Jewish, hang on.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Happy Han.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: What are you, atheist?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh well, have a nice day.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: What are you?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: What was that?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, I couldn't understand what the hell he's doing.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, get back to me when you learn the fucking language.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I met my husband and I fell in love with him.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, and I'm just gonna tell you, I love, love, love my husband.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not embarrassed to tell you.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I love that man, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I only tell you that because of the shit I'm about to say.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you love someone doesn't mean you don't see them exactly who they are.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because on paper, if you said we're perfect, 100%.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's the first generation at helly boy from Brooklyn, right?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we should be perfect.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: He is the nicest guy on the planet.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: He has the hope of a 14-year-old girl.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: He believes everything is impossible.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it is my job as a good wife to crush that rare.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: You are never gonna be a 47-year-old American idol contestant.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Get that shit right out of your head.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: Ridiculous.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: On paper, we're a perfect match.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Real life, not so much.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't matter when we were dating that he's messy and I'm clean.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Crazy clean, admittedly.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: I have a problem.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Mostly.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I watch hoarders and clean during commercials.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm afraid a dead goat's gonna fall through the television under 22 years worth of newspapers, and I will just burn the house down.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I would do.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's a very tiny thing to be clean.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: My grandmother was crazy clean.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Wake up in the middle of night, go to the bathroom, come back, your bed and be made.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: She'd be bad at you.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: You messy! You and the cockeye, so messy.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: So messy.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: 2 30 in the morning, woman.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: I know, are you hungry?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I could eat.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: I could eat.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: We're just different in real life.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't matter when we were dating.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't matter that I have a master's degree and he has a G E D.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not just a G E D.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: He's got two because he sent away for an extra copy.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because a double major.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: It only matters now because I uh we have our kid.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Our son is four years old, right?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I want to send him to preschool.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: My husband goes, what do you want to do that for?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: For that, right there.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Exhibit A.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Huh?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta put a little purple beret up here?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta take my case.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's insane.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, and it if you find the funny, trust me and believe me that it will find you.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I go to sign my four-year-old for preschool, I happen to find one preschool in our area that not only do you have to fill out an application, you have to write an essay.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: To get a child into preschool, an essay.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna tell you something.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: If my essay can't get my son into that preschool, I will get an essay.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I will get a Mexican gang member to terrorize that school boy.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Four-year-old is getting into that school.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: I took it way too seriously.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was a student for too long.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to write this beautiful essay.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: I got so nervous the deadline was coming up.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: My husband goes, I'll write it.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not only will he not get in, we'll lose custody.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Not happening.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: Alter, how's the love life?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: Getting sex, yeah.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm married, you moron.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm too old, too.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: You're not too old.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: How you know?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, but I do know I had grandparents who, well, into their 80s, we're still having fun.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Their 80s, yeah.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Good God.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell kind of sex is that?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Was it good for you?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: I can't remember.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: We just finished, eh?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, are you trying to tell me there's nothing sexually going on between you and your wife?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's very difficult.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: She gripes about everything.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like what?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: She said I don't make the right noises during sex.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry to hear that.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Wanna hear what I do?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: No, no.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: All right, you talk me into it.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now wait a minute.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now be careful.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: These are gonna be kind of pornographic.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Get off.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: I can't see the weather channel! Get the hell off! That's funny.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Wait, no, it's not.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Walter, I know you know better than I do, but I mean, is there any kind of foreplay for you guys?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Foreplay at our age?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's come down to hey, wake up.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know what oral sex for us is?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: What she screams, screw you, and I yell bite me.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, Walter, your age.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: How do you how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: The breeze?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: Coffee, yeah, is it?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: No, it kept me awake through the whole damn thing.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: I actually had to participate.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Doctor said it's that's my heart, too.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: All the caffeine.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: No, seeing my wife naked.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's awful.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you've seen her too.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: So is coffee good for the sex life or not?
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, though they're never gonna let us stack into that Starbucks again.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we use the filter with that.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Walter, despite how you act, I bet when you were younger you were quite a ladies' man.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: I used to chase skirts all over the world, really, till I got to Scotland, and boy was I surprised.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: She had women everywhere.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: I dated a girl in India, really.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: Lovely young lady.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Weird ass country.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with India?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: Mosa Lyndon got a red dot in the little of her forehead.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell is that?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: You are here.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's an intimacy when you're married.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: An intimacy.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I I can only I can't tell you about it.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: I can only share with you a situation where the intimacy came out that no one told me about.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: The other day my husband walked in the house like this.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: I said, honey, what's wrong?
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: He said, I gambled and I lost.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: You see, that's an intimacy I would not be privy to if we just lived together.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you live with someone and you sh yourself, it's better you come home with no pants at all.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh no, what the happened?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I had a mom.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because that then puts the onus on the other person.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: They then have to ask themselves, if I ask the question, will I be happy with the answer I receive?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: What am I supposed to do now that we're married?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna do?
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Get a divorce?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: How am I supposed to do what we'll go to the attorney and go, ma'am?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: What's up, what's the problem?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you want a divorce?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Do you not love your husband anymore?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: No, I love him very much.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh did it cheat on you?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, that didn't happen at all.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, he himself.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and I do the laundry.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: We all do it.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: You never yourself before?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Get out of here.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: We've all been in the middle of the winter with a cold and a sneeze and a oh my god.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta throw your underwear away in the bathroom.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's real.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's real.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: See if J Lo sings about that on her next song.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: You find the funny.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's there.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, it's there.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: You just gotta know where to look for it.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: You understand?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm tired sometimes.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I gotta teach other people to do it, because sometimes I'm too tired to look for it anymore.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired all the time.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: I get grumpy.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: My husband said to me, He goes, You're like two different women.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're nice, sometimes you're mean.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Two different women.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, aren't you lucky?
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's a threesome for you every night.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Menage your mommy, huh?
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not the only woman tired with a career and a kid and all that stuff.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's why those books, Fifty Shades of Grey, were popular.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because the main character ties the woman up.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: And while you're tied up, you don't have to do the laundry, the dishes, you don't have to drive anyone anywhere.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's behind the milk.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Move the milk! I just bought her and choose it! So much fun.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: I know I'm tired because I used to watch all those polygamous documentaries.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: I used to watch them and like with the the just with so much energy and verve and get mad.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because I mean I get, you know, I think you understand.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm a strong woman.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like I get mad at those women.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: How come you don't respect yourself?
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: What is wrong with you?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: You don't respect yourself.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna take an eighth of a man, that's what you will settle for out of your life.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now I watch those shows, I'm like, holy shit, I need a wife.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: You mean one broad cooks while the other one cleans?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Someone watches the kids.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: I get sex every third night.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: The rest of the time I sleep in the bed in the shape of an ex, sign me the f up.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Jeez.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: That is a health care plan.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you make fun of your wife a lot?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's funny as hell, isn't it?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: Your wife is supposed to be your soulmate.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: I found your keys, Keith! I am not kidding.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: And she farted and unlocked the car doors.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: What does your wife think when you do things like this?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I know you care enough about your wife to take her on some of these trips.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: She loves going on these trips.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: I know she loves window shopping, but not in Amsterdam, she didn't.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: I love that city.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that in Amsterdam you can legally depart here from marijuana?
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know where?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: Coffee houses.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: Coffee houses.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's my favorite coffee place ever.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like a latte and a new.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: And nineteen dozen donuts, thank you.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: I know you liked Australia.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I learned a new word in Australia.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: Cranky.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Walter, I happen to know the word cranky is actually derived from the word Christ.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_01: So it means holy shit.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: Am I going to hell?
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: Well, tomorrow we are driving through West Virginia, so what the hell?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: Why did you do that?
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going home in a suitcase.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't mean he's stupid, okay?
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Can I tell you that?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's not stupid.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: He has a lot of useless information.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Which is what we've now had become this culture of useless information.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: He watches all those shows, like on TLC and Discovery, and he watches like uh Amish Mafia.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever seen this show?
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's a crocushit show, you should know.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: As an Italian American, I'm gonna tell you, they do not have a mafia.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have a mafia.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: They for shit sure do not have a mafia.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to me.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: The Amish people could not even be effective as a mob.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: They couldn't.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: How could they send a warning to you?
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you go against the mob and they need to send you a warning, they can't cut off a horse's head and leave it in your bed.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: Then they'd have no ride home.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Stop.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Take your bonnet and shove it up your ass.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's when you wish you could say that to your boss.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's never an occasion to say take your bonnet and shove it up your ass.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I just made one, so there you go.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: He has a lot of useless information.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's really what marriage is.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage is where one person's useless information seeps into your head and makes you dumber than you have ever been.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a perfect example.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: One night I was asleep.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Dead asleep.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: I wake up, I'm choking.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: He wakes up, he looks at me, goes, What's wrong?
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm choking.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Maybe you ate a spider.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: He said, I was watching the Discovery Channel.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the average person eats about eight spiders a year in their sleep.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're an asshole.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Cuz I can't sleep! I don't know if I'm on spider one or spider eight.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta sleep with a nicotine patch over my mouth.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm punching him in the dick, because if I gotta be awake, he's gotta be awake.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Linda think of what kind of sick SATA scientist is doing the research watching seven spiders crawling someone's mouth, and I'm flicking out the eight.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm happy.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: I am happy because I don't believe in divorce, I believe in disappearance.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I know I'm happy.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: I love him.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know I do because I put up with his mother.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, you want to get married, you forget about that.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: You forget about the family, right?
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because even Charles Manson had a family.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: You forget about what the family.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not telling you that my mother-in-law is difficult, but the Pope would stab her with his hat.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a coincidence that she and her card club went to the Vatican two weeks prior to the other one quitting.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: He probably went, This shit is too much for eternal salvation!