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Worlds of Meaning: When Couples Get Locked in Different Perspectives · Trauma Free Relationship

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  What happens when couples get locked in different
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  perspectives, when each partner's perspective seems
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  foreign to the other? Is it possible to even break out
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  of those perspectives? We do it all the time.
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  We get locked into our own perspective and we have these
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  sort of knee jerk thoughts that come to us.
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  For example, we might see an overweight person and we might
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  just immediately think, just eat a salad or stop eating, slow
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  down. Or we hear an abuse victim and
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  we think, well, just leave, just leave your partner.
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  These are silos of meanings that come to us that we often get
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  locked in. And I do it in my own
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  relationship. When my wife does something that
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  seems foreign to me that I can't quite wrap my head around or
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  quite understand why she's doing what she's doing or how she's
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  approaching a problem in a certain way, I might think, why
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  is she doing that? Why is she doing it that way?
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  Let me give you another example. So there was a mother and a
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  child I was working with many years ago.
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  And one evening the mother and the stepfather got into a rather
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  heated argument. And in the passions of the
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  moment, the mother actually lost control enough and ripped the
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  T-shirt that her husband was wearing.
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  And her oldest daughter witnessed this of her stepfather
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  and her mother losing control and it overwhelmed her.
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  And that moment, you might even say it, it created trauma for
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  her. And so she gathered her younger
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  siblings and went to calm them and take care of them.
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  And later that evening, the mother then came and actually
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  crawled into bed with the daughter and was seeking comfort
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  from her because of how out of control things got.
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  Well, their relationship was really ruptured.
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  After that, the daughter wanted to move over to her father's
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  house and stay with her father father and not live with her
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  mother anymore. And so the mother, who was
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  really a very good mother, loved her daughter tremendously, was
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  trying to repair this relationship and it just felt
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  like her daughter wasn't going to be able to let down her guard
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  and forgive her. So they came to me for help with
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  this repair through through our process and through our sessions
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  together. We kept running into this wall
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  that this daughter had an almost.
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  It almost looked from the outside like she was just trying
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  to be obstinate. She was just not going to let
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  her mother in for the sake of just not letting her mother in.
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  Sort of this teenage rebellion. But I really suspected something
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  else might be going on. So as we begin to peel back some
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  of the layers, what we begin to understand was the deeper
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  meaning that that evening held for the daughter.
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  And what we understood was that she was so overwhelmed by
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  witnessing her mother tearing her her husband and her
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  stepfather's shirt that evening that it it terrified her.
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  She felt her mother was completely out of control.
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  She'd never seen her mother respond this way before.
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  And then when she was laying down in bed that night and her
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  mother crawled into bed with her, that further terrified her,
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  and she talked about how she did not sleep a wink.
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  All night long she stayed awake. Her body was on guard, not sure
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  of what to expect because that thing that terrified her the
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  most was now sleeping right next to her.
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  And this was the deeper meaning that that held for the daughter
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  and the reason we kept running into a wall as we were trying to
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  repair their relationship. That was a monumental moment for
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  both of them to be able to and me as well to be able to learn
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  the deeper meanings that that that young woman held to that
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  event that night and the trauma that that has caught that had
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  caused. We were thankfully able to work
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  through that and eventually the daughter was able to move back
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  home and they repaired the relationship and the mother and
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  daughter were as close as ever because they were able to dive
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  down into the deeper meanings of what was happening.
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  So this is what we're going to talk about today.
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  Worlds of meaning when couples get locked in different
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  perspectives. Let's get started.
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  To Trauma Free Relationship a podcast that provides support
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  and guidance to help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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  Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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  issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
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  current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
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  scientifically informed information as well as the tools
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  to help you create a secure connection between you and your
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  partner. And here's your host, Tom
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  Philip. OK, what we're talking about
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  here is what happens when couples get locked in different
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  perspectives, when their experience of who they are and
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  what's happening in the relationship are so divergent,
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  are so separate that it's really difficult for them to be able to
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  come together in any kind of shared meaning.
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  So getting stuck in different perspectives can happen to any
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  couple and it really it is a normal part of relationships and
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  of course it can cause ruptures in relationships.
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  So it's not unique to couples who are securely attached.
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  However, when trauma, when one or more persons or partners in a
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  relationship experiences trauma or has trauma, then that can
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  exacerbate the different experiences all that much more
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  because one of the things that trauma does is it creates a
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  closed feedback loop. So when we move into a place of
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  of protection because our trauma has been triggered, it closes us
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  off to other information and other possibilities that may be
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  able to actually expand our experience of who we are.
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  We get sort of tunnel vision, if you will, and we get locked in
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  on one particular meaning. And then what we do is we look
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  for all the evidence that supports that meaning.
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  And this really is what I'm calling worlds of meaning or or
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  you know, different perspectives so new information cannot
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  penetrate and instead the person stays stuck in the same thoughts
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  and feelings that perpetuated the rupture in the 1st place.
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  And I call this a system of meaning.
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  By system, I just simply mean that that we end up narrowing
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  our focus and it creates a negative feedback loop that ends
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  up reinforcing what we already believe.
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  Some of this is a very normal psychological process.
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  We all can get focused at times, but when we have trauma, it
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  exacerbates this process that much more.
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  And so we get locked into this one system of meaning, just like
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  this young woman I talked about at the opening of the show.
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  She got locked into the system of meaning that we kept running
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  into a wall. We couldn't get past it because
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  she was not able to communicate to us.
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  When I was so overwhelmed and frightened, the thing that
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  scared me the most then came and laid down in bed with me,
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  seeking comfort from me all night long.
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  And that thing that scared me the most never recognized.
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  I was so terrified I couldn't move or talk or think, and I
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  didn't sleep a wink all night long.
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  We were missing a huge, huge part of the deeper meaning that
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  that particular rupture in their family that evening held for
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  them. And so every time we tried to
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  open that up, we ran back into that wall and that system of
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  meaning for her until we were able to help her be able to
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  articulate better what was going on with her.
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  So when I talk about systems of meaning, we all have systems of
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  meaning. We all have ways that we've sort
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  of locked into to the meanings we draw from our experiences
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  that we then reinforce over and over and over.
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  And they continue to create a feedback loop for us.
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  So when we come up against these different systems, meaning it
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  feels like a threat, it feels like someone's challenging who
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  we are because we are so locked into these these meanings that
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  we draw from our experiences, they form our identity.
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  And it's not easy to expand that, to let other information
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  in, because in some ways it is a dying of who we think we are and
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  an embracing of who we are not yet, and who we are to become
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  So. It throws us into a place where
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  it feels vulnerable, it feels risky to let go of those
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  subjective meanings that we hold so dear about ourselves.
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  And so our goal is, is to be able to move from a place of
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  protection where we close things down and we look for things that
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  only reinforce what we already feel like we know, to a place
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  where we can be more open and less threatened by what we
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  already feel about ourselves. Now I recognize this is much
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  easier said than done, but one of the things I see over and
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  over and over with my couples is often times they really get
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  bogged down into these own, their, their own perspectives of
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  what's happening in the relationship.
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  And as as one of my couples said the other day, it's possible
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  that I misread my partner in these times and I just almost
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  came out of my chair because it was such beautiful and brilliant
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  insight. He was able to acknowledge that
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  yeah, when I'm in that place, when I'm in my protection, when
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  I've been triggered and and it feels like I'm being re
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  traumatized, it's very possible that I misread my partner's
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  intentions. And what I'm doing is only
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  looking for that, which reinforces what I already
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  believe. So matter, no matter how much my
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  partner may be trying to get comfort or reassurance, or
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  they're trying to just be heard and understood much like I am, I
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  can't hear any of that intention behind there.
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  I only hear that they are wanting to argue or they're
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  trying to trigger me on purpose, or they know they know this is a
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  trigger for me. Why do they continue to do it?
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  And their intention is actually to hurt me rather than to try to
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  connect with me. So how do we break out of these
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  systems of meaning? How do we go from a place where
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  we are closed down and we have a negative, reinforcing feedback
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  loop that only reinforces what we already believe?
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  Well, one of the ways I think we do it is by using empathy.
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  So if you've ever read a great novel before, then one of the
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  things novels do brilliantly and and any good story does is they
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  help put you into the shoes of different characters.
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  And so I've read many great novels over the years.
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  There's lots of classics, there's even wonderful new ones
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  coming out. But just kind of put yourself in
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  that position where you're reading a book and the author is
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  describing these different characters and you feel like you
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  can really sit and understand each one of these characters and
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  yet they're all so different. And the author paints you a
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  picture of each one of these characters and what their
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  personality would be like. And they give you a description
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  of what they look like. And you can conjure that image
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  up in your mind. So it feels like you are meeting
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  and getting to know each one of these characters and their
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  motives and and what drives them, and and and and all the
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  things that are wrapped up in the plot of the book that these
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  characters are playing out. You really feel like you could
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  step into that. Well, I don't think it's any
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  different in in how we try to reposition ourselves out of our
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  protection to a place of openness and try to shift our
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  systems of meaning, try to shift the meanings we have based on
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  our past experiences. We have to try to be able to
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  step into our partners shoes and we got to try to be able to
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  understand what they're saying to us through their eyes when
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  we're in a place of protection. This is difficult to do.
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  I recognize that this takes a lot of work, and I recognize
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  that this is easier said than done, but so vitally important.
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  Empathy. As I've said many, many times,
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  empathy heals because empathy forces us to include other
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  perspectives of what's happening in our experience or in our
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  interaction with our partner. So the more we can step out of
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  our own experience or suspend it long enough to try to step into
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  our partners shoes and understand what's going on with
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  them here, what's really happening?
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  What might really be their motivation?
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  What are they feeling behind what they're telling me?
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  Then we have a much better opportunity to be able to create
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  a broader sense of the interaction and to suspend our
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  own meaning of what's happening and be able to in at least
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  include other meanings in that interaction.
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  So one of the things I think we need to do is we need to just be
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  able to use the gift of empathy and and be able to take on or
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  try to see multiple perspectives.
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  In doing that, I think the other thing we need to do is we need
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  to challenge the way we think. You might call this meta
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  thinking. Meta means above, so think about
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  the way you think. And we need to ask ourselves
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  questions when we get stuck into one way of thinking, these
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  systems of meaning. And we need to ask ourselves,
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  like, why do I think this? Where did this come from?
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  Is there any evidence for how I feel?
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  Or have I adopted this from another place in time, another
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  interaction? Is there another way to look at
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  this? Who could I talk to that might
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  know more about this than me? Who could I talk to that might
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  have a different vantage point on this than the one I have?
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  So I say all this to say we need to try to be able to shift
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  ourselves and and look at ourselves and ask questions
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  about why we're feeling and thinking the way we are.
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  Often times, because of the way we're built, we will have a
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  feeling 1st and then we have a thought.
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  And the thought really, even though we think we're being
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  rational, is really just a justification of the way we
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  feel. We're just making stuff up about
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  why we feel the way we do. We're trying to rationalize it,
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  we're trying to justify it, and it sounds really good.
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  So then we believe it. And sometimes it it may be
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  logical, but sometimes it may not.
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  Sometimes it may just be of of reinforcement of the way we
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  already feel. That's more difficult to let go
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  of our feeling or to try to broaden that feeling and let in
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  new information that might contradict it than it is just to
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  hold firm to what we already believe.
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  So being able to question, being able to to think about the way
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  we think is an important step in being able to break out of our
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  systems of meaning and break out of our world view, at least in
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  that moment. And then lastly, when we
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  encounter difference, it usually accompanies fear.
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  If we acknowledge the fear, the threat that we're feeling and
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  place it in the context of learning something new or
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  different, which creates more safety, then usually that fear
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  will dissipate. And so we can't be afraid to
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  validate not only the way we see things, but to validate the way
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  our partner sees things, because their view and their system of
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  meaning is wrapped up in their identity and who they are as
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  well. So a lot of times, couples are
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  not trying to be against one another, they're not trying to
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  oppose one another. What they're trying to do is be
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  deeply known by each other. But those those meanings they're
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  holding of their experience, especially if they've been
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  triggered and it feels traumatizing, come across in
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  ways that appear very defensive, sometimes antagonistic or maybe
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  they appear very stonewalling where we shut the person out.
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  So it's it's more difficult and we get locked in these these
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  cycles that get created in our relationships when what we're
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  really striving to do is be known by each other.
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  And so those are at least three different ways that I think we
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  can try to broaden our our perspectives, our systems of
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  meaning. And what I'm seeing not only in
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  my couples, but I'm seeing this a lot in our culture at least
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  here in in North America. And I'll even speak more
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  specifically to the United States that we are locked in in
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  systems of of meaning and neither side is really wanting
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  to play nicely with the other. Now I'm not going to go, I'm not
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  a political analyst, I'm not going to go off on any of that.
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  I'm just saying I think that this concepts applies into
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  larger groups as well. When we get so locked into the
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  way we think things should be that we we limit ourselves from
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  being able to deal with the way things are and find solutions to
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  where we are at currently and to be able to broaden and grow our
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  subjective sense of self by taking in new information.
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  Instead, we close our self off to it.
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  And I see that in my couples, and I think I see that in the
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  larger culture as well. I hope you found this helpful
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  today. I know I say this all the time,
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  but thank you, thank you, thank you for tuning in.
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  I really appreciate everybody listening.
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  Please feel free to e-mail me or reach out.
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  Let me know what you like, don't like what you'd like to hear
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  more of. As always, you can sign up for a
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  a coaching session and I'd love to be able to help you with any
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  of these concepts we talk about so that you can actually create
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  a trauma free relationship. Thanks again and we'll talk to
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  you next time. Thank you for listening to
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  Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
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  attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
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  Instagram, or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
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