Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / USA vs. Brazil | Rafi Bastos | Stand Up Comedy 😁🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

USA vs. Brazil | Rafi Bastos | Stand Up Comedy 😁🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Rafi Bassos, as you can see by my accent, I'm not from here.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I am from uh Mississippi.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's an amazing country.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: No, I am from Brazil.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: I am Brazilian.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I waxed my vagina.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very proud.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you very much.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I am uh 6'7 and and Latino.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh combination that is pretty fucking common.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's fucking ridiculous.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: When I hang out with my Latino friends, I look like I'm their leader.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 6'7 because my father is Latino and my mom is Chewbacca.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: She loves this joke, by the way.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: She loves this joke.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: And she always laughs.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: People don't believe that I that I am Latino.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: People look at me and think that I'm a drug dealer from Croatia.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand why.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's because my passport says that I'm Latino, but my accent says I'm Dracula.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe that's why.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: People really don't believe that I am Latino.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you a story.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: I got an Uber the other day, okay, with an Asian lady.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: She heard my accent on the phone.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: She got a little curious to know where I was from.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: So she asked me, where are you from?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, I'm from Brazil, I'm Latino.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, No, you're fucking not.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: You are fucking not.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're Latino, prove it to me.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I robbed her.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding, relax.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's not true.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's not true, I'm just kidding.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: I stabbed her.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: She's she's dead.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: She's dead, and we can all laugh, it's okay.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I uh come from tropical country, so of course I I I hate your fucking weather so much.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: I hate your weather.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't get it.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I live in New York, but it's incomprehensible.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh thank you.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: I come from Brazil, I don't care.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's New York, fucking sucks.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: The other day was 30 degrees in New York, 30 degrees, like very cold.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Next day, 40 degrees, much colder.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck is that?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So then I scrolled down on my phone and I saw this little information, 40 degrees, feels like 18.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if it feels like 18, it's fucking 18.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: What matters is what I feel, okay?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Not a number.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to go out, I'm not trying to plant corn.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: So what matters is what I feel.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: If you're middle class and it feels like you are poor, you are fucking poor though.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: I uh I arrived here three years ago, still learning the language.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: English is a very difficult language, and you guys make English even more difficult than it should be.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: I saw the other day a person saying, Don't call me he or she, call me they.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, what the fuck?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: It took me three years to learn I am, you are, he is, she.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: I worked very hard on this.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: So change your gender, but don't change your grammar, please.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Watch your grammar, because it's confusing.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Be whoever you want.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: This is a free country, and this is amazing, but this whole gender neutral pronoun is confusing for me.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, let me tell you a story.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I invited a friend to have dinner at my house the other day, and he was like, Oh, I'm bringing a friend.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Of course, bring him.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, No, no, no, no, no.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Bring them?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I bought a lot of food.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: I bought briskets and pizzas and pastas.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: My friend showed up at my house with one person.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, Where are they?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, They are here.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: So you tell them that they are gonna eat all of this fucking food.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: The other day a guy came up to me and he asked me, Oh, you from Brazil?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: You're from Brazil.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: I heard that Brazil is a very violent country.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, uh, thanks for the information.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I never thought I would learn something new at Wendy's.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: No wonder you're the employee of the monstratus.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure that soon you're gonna be shining your talent at Arby's because you are amazing.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I come from a violent country, Brazil is a very violent country, but let me tell you something, America.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: America is also a violent country.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that our violence comes from different places.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we are poor.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: You are crazy.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: We are hungry, you are fucking insane.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And knowing that you guys are crazy, what do you do?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: You make guns legal.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's smart.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's for protection.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's because I need to protect what I own.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Have you noticed that people who say this are always the ones who don't own jack shit?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Protect what you own?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Well, nobody wants your Toyota, George.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody wants to break into your house and steal your fax machine.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's a violent country, but it's not dangerous.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's completely different.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because I live in New York and people are like, oh, New York is very dangerous.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Have to be careful.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's dangerous, it's very dangerous.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, go to Bolivia.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Let's see if you have fun there.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's not dangerous at all.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, sometimes I leave a comedy club at like three o'clock in the morning, and I go home and I see a girl checking her phone on a dark corner by herself, having a laugh.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I come from a third world country, so every time I see this, I think, I'm gonna rob this bitch.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: Just to teach her a lesson.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Not dangerous.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are just obsessed with violence, you know.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: You guys in this country, you guys shoot guns for fun.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's fucking weird.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell I was in Vegas the other day, okay, and my friend was like, you know what, let's shoot some guns.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Okay, so who are we killing today?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Which regime are we overthrowing?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, No, no, no, no, no.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's just for fun.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's a pretty unique way to have fun.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because I've never heard a gunshot in my country and I thought, wow, someone is having a great time.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Pa pa pa! Bachelor party! I don't get it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: You guys here are obsessed with serial killers, you know.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Have this obsession with serial.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand why you guys keep giving series and TV shows to horrible people in this country.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know, people like Jeff Bundy, Jeffrey Demer, you know, Ellen the Janerist.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't get why.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, serial killers, they're just like comedians.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: We are the same people.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: We both dream of having a special on Athletic.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: We are the same people.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's the same thing.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's the same.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: I could never be a serial killer.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: I have ADD.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's too much planning, too much organizing, too much focus.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I can see myself killing a person and spending the next four hours in the crime scene looking for my wallet.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, I'm still learning, and that's the thing.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I come here to this country to learn a lot, and uh every day I learn something new.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I the other day, when I arrived here, as soon as I got here, I remember a cab driver told me, Mr.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Brazilian, you can say whatever you want in this country, but please don't use the N-word.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Our people are going to kick your ass.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: But he never told me what the N-word was.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: What a fucking mystery.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: So the past three years I have been avoiding all wars that starts with a leather.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Which is making my life pretty fucking hard.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: The other day, a very beautiful and strong man came up to me and he said, Can I fuck your ass?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Maybe.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: It was a pleasure.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you very much, guys.