Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 224: Who's Influencing You? The 5 People Secretly Controlling Your Life

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224: Who's Influencing You? The 5 People Secretly Controlling Your Life · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Now, you guys, today I have even more exciting news for you.
• 0:25
  Are you ready?
• 0:26
  So I was just recently informed by Apple Podcasts that this podcast,"Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker," it is now in the top 3% of podcasts globally.
• 0:37
  Um, what?
• 0:38
  Yeah, that totally blew my mind.
• 0:40
  I also learned that I am ranked 23rd in self-improvement in New Zealand, 44th in Uganda, and I am in the top 100 for self-improvement in Ireland.
• 0:51
  Crazy, right?
• 0:53
  Now, when I first started this podcast nearly four years ago, then I just hoped that somebody would feel helped and supported by it, that somebody would feel inspired to create change for themselves and just feel a little bit more empowered.
• 1:06
  I had no idea that it would grow into what it is today.
• 1:09
  So thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your journey.
• 1:12
  Thank you for sharing this podcast with friends.
• 1:14
  Thank you for leaving reviews.
• 1:16
  It really does mean so much to me.
• 1:18
  So thank you.
• 1:20
  Thank you for allowing me to be somebody of influence in your life.
• 1:25
  And that's actually what we're going to be talking about today is who it is that we choose to allow to have influence on us.
• 1:31
  And make sure that you listen to the end because I'm gonna be sharing about my new program that starts in September.
• 1:36
  But they say that we are all the sum of the five people that we spend the most time with.
• 1:41
  But I believe that we're actually the sum of the five people that we allow to have the most influence on us.
• 1:47
  So who are the five people that have the most influence on you?
• 1:51
  And did you choose them intentionally or unintentionally?
• 1:55
  How can you tell who it is that has the most influence on you?
• 1:58
  Now, to answer all of these questions, it's actually a very, very simple answer.
• 2:01
  Are you ready?
• 2:02
  Notice your thoughts.
• 2:05
  Notice who takes up the most mental and emotional energy for you.
• 2:08
  Notice how it is that you feel inside when you think about them.
• 2:12
  Notice how it is that you're showing up in life after spending time with them.
• 2:17
  Because yes, there are a lot of people that you actually spend physical time with and a lot of it, right?
• 2:22
  Like your partner or your coworker.
• 2:24
  But the people that actually have the most influence on you are the people that you spend the most time thinking about.
• 2:31
  So notice who it is that you're thinking about the most, and then start to notice if their influence is a positive influence on you or if it's a more negative influence.
• 2:42
  Now, some people take up positive mental space for us.
• 2:45
  These are the people that you just find yourself thinking about, and you are just smiling from ear to ear.
• 2:49
  So maybe you're thinking about that really sweet thing that they said to you or that funny joke that they shared.
• 2:54
  But they're somebody that when you think about them, they just bring you joy.
• 2:58
  Maybe they even offer you encouragement or hope or possibility when you're having a really hard time.
• 3:03
  Now there's other people that when we think about them, they actually take up negative mental space for us.
• 3:09
  So when you're thinking about these people, then you might find yourself thinking about them and then ruminating on the negative.
• 3:14
  And when that's happening, you might start to notice that you feel really drained or frustrated or angry or even resentful.
• 3:22
  So notice that, okay, yes, I am spending a lot of time thinking about these people, and whether you're thinking positive thoughts about them or negative thoughts about them is irrelevant.
• 3:31
  We like to think that the people that have the most influence on us are only those positive people.
• 3:35
  But whether their influence is positive or negative, the people that you think about the most are the ones that you're choosing to allow to have the most influence on you.
• 3:45
  So choose them intentionally and on purpose.
• 3:49
  So let me share with you an example about what this can look like, okay?
• 3:52
  This is an example from my coaching practice, a super common example, but maybe it will sound a little bit familiar to you.
• 3:58
  June had sent a message to a friend, and that friend, they didn't respond And initially then June was okay with this.
• 4:06
  She thought,"Okay, well maybe they're just busy." But after an hour or two had passed, then she found herself spending time on social media, and she could see that this friend was engaging online.
• 4:16
  This friend was engaging with other people.
• 4:19
  This friend was engaging with them, but still hadn't even acknowledged the text message that she had sent.
• 4:25
  And so when this happened, then June, she did what the majority of us do.
• 4:28
  She started to ruminate on it.
• 4:30
  This friend was now taking up all of her mental and emotional energy.
• 4:35
  She started thinking about how inconsiderate this friend was being.
• 4:38
  She was thinking,"Oh, and you know what?
• 4:40
  This isn't the first time.
• 4:41
  They always do this to me.
• 4:43
  I just can't stand it." And you know what?
• 4:45
  It was even impacting her sleep.
• 4:47
  At the end of the day, as she's trying to fall asleep that night, she was still thinking about this friend.
• 4:52
  And she was thinking,"Oh, what am I gonna do when I see'em next?
• 4:55
  I need to come up with a good gotcha line so that they'll know that that was really rude and inappropriate." They'll know that I know that they're neglecting me personally." And this was really creating a lot of emotion for her.
• 5:07
  So do you see what's actually happening here?
• 5:08
  Is June is allowing her activated nervous system to determine that, that friend over there, they're the one that's going to have the most influence on me today.
• 5:17
  And while there's no way for us to know right now why this particular person wasn't responding, maybe they hadn't seen the message, maybe their do not disturb was turned on so they hadn't received a notification, maybe they just forgot or they got busy, we don't actually know.
• 5:31
  But for June, she was now investing a significant amount of mental and emotional energy into thinking about this person.
• 5:38
  This person at that moment wasn't showing up well for her, and she was investing all this energy into looking at that relationship, thinking about that relationship, and really focusing on the negative here, which was impacting not only that relationship with that person, but her other relationships as well.
• 5:54
  Because do you know what she wasn't doing when she was upset with this friend?
• 5:58
  She wasn't acknowledging all of the friends that had showed up well for her that day, all of the friends that had responded, all of the people that had encouraged and been a listening ear for her.
• 6:07
  She wasn't paying any attention to them at all.
• 6:10
  Instead, she was choosing to allow this person that hadn't responded to her text message to have all of the power over her for that day and it was literally keeping her stuck.
• 6:20
  It was keeping her awake at night.
• 6:22
  It was keeping her angry and resentful.
• 6:24
  She was unintentionally allowing that person to be one of the biggest influences on her life.
• 6:30
  She was allowing them to influence her mood, her energy, and her sleep.
• 6:35
  But through coaching, then it was brought to her attention that she was subconsciously choosing this person to be one of the biggest influences on her life.
• 6:43
  And once it was brought to her conscious awareness, then she had an opportunity to decide if she wanted to continue to allow them to have that power over her or not.
• 6:53
  When she was thinking on purpose about who it was that she wanted to spend the most mental energy with, then she started to think about her book club friends.
• 7:00
  She was thinking that,"Oh, you know what?
• 7:02
  I know that we usually only get together once a month, but I love it when we get together.
• 7:06
  I feel like those ladies really resonate with me, and maybe I should reach out to one of them and see if they might like to hang out outside of book club." And when she's doing that, now she's thinking about the people that she actually feels good thinking about, and that made such a huge difference for her.
• 7:21
  So now instead of feeling angry, annoyed, or resentful, then now she's feeling excited, grateful, and hopeful for a potential deeper connection with these ladies that she resonates with.
• 7:32
  And keep in mind that up until this point, nothing has actually changed except for her focus.
• 7:38
  That friend over there, they still haven't reached out.
• 7:41
  They still haven't responded.
• 7:42
  And guess what?
• 7:43
  At this point in time, she doesn't actually have plans with any of the book club ladies yet.
• 7:47
  Nothing has actually changed for her except for who it is that she's choosing to think about.
• 7:53
  The only thing that has changed for her is her focus.
• 7:57
  So if you had to make a list right now, what five people would you say take up the most mental and emotional energy for you?
• 8:05
  And do you want to continue to let them be some of your biggest influencers, or is it time to mix things up a bit?
• 8:12
  Now, maybe your biggest influencers are people that you know and that you spend a lot of time with.
• 8:16
  So maybe you spend a lot of time thinking about your partner or your coworker.
• 8:20
  Or maybe you spend a lot of time thinking about people that you're no longer in relationship with, like that friend that you had a falling out with or your ex, and you're still ruminating on why things didn't work out or why they should have shown up differently.
• 8:32
  Or maybe the people that you spend the most time thinking about are people that you've never actually met, but they really take up a lot of mental space for you.
• 8:39
  For example, love him or hate him, a lot of people have spent a significant amount of time thinking about Donald Trump, even though they've never met him.
• 8:48
  In fact, I don't know anyone that is neutral about Donald Trump.
• 8:52
  And the same could be said of Oprah or Taylor Swift or that talking head on that news show, right?
• 8:57
  Like, there's a lot of people that are quite famous, actually, that a lot of people have very, very strong feelings and opinions about even though they've never met, and it's simply because they spend a lot of time thinking about them.
• 9:08
  Our relationships happen in our minds.
• 9:12
  Now, I will say that for me, one of my most favorite things is when I get a message from one of my listeners, and they might say,"Oh, hey, we just did laundry together," or,"Hey, you just came with me to the beach, and we had such a great time.
• 9:22
  Thanks so much for being there." And because they have chosen to invest mental and emotional energy into the conversations that we're having here on this podcast, then they feel like we're besties, and I absolutely love that.
• 9:35
  And more often than not, than the people that I'm hearing from, then I've never actually met them.
• 9:41
  These are people that I've never actually talked to in real life, and we might not have ever even worked together in a professional setting, but they have essentially chosen to make me one of the top five people that has had the most influence on them, and I feel so honored by that.
• 9:55
  Thank you.
• 9:57
  Now, when I want to think about who it is that I want to intentionally make one of my top five influences, then I think about several people.
• 10:04
  I personally work with a couple of coaches.
• 10:06
  I have one that I work with around personal things and one that I work with around business things, and it is just kind of amazing to talk with those ladies and hear the insights that they have and their perspective.
• 10:17
  And it's fun that sometimes, even if I'm not having a conversation with them in real time, then I find myself having conversations with them in my mind.
• 10:25
  Because I spend so much mental energy with them, then I know what they're going to say, and they always seem to say the most perfect thing.
• 10:33
  I also like to think about the dear friends that have really stuck with me throughout my personal evolution, and they've really encouraged me and loved me along the way.
• 10:41
  I think about the people that I follow on Instagram or TikTok that just make me smile.
• 10:45
  And again, this kind of goes back a bit to last week's episode on bloom scrolling, but I want to intentionally invite in other people's positivity into my life.
• 10:54
  I want to be intentional about allowing them to have impact on me.
• 10:59
  And really, as you're starting to identify who it is that you're allowing into that space, who it is that you're allowing to be one of your top five influencers, I just wanna alleviate the shame, okay?
• 11:08
  Because even for me, there are some times when I find my mind wandering towards people, and I'm giving them so much mental and emotional energy, and really, I would prefer that I not give them that much power, right?
• 11:19
  So I might find myself ruminating on this particular relationship, and I just think,"Oh, my goodness, no, I would really rather think about something else." And all it takes is just a little bit of intention.
• 11:29
  So notice it, yes, and then shift it into something on purpose.
• 11:33
  For example, sometimes I'll just be reading a novel, right?
• 11:35
  And I will really allow that novel to get into my head.
• 11:38
  I just keep thinking about it.
• 11:40
  It's just so good.
• 11:41
  There's so many ideas in here that I have never considered before.
• 11:44
  And for that whole week, even though the author has no idea, then that author has just become one of my top five influencers of the week, and I absolutely love it.
• 11:54
  I will intentionally pick up their book because I want them to be one of those influencers.
• 11:59
  So who do you want to choose on purpose to allow to influence you?
• 12:04
  Maybe for you it's a spiritual leader or an artist or a musician.
• 12:08
  Maybe it's a family member or a friend or a social media influencer.
• 12:12
  But think for just a moment about who it is that you would like to spend the most mental and emotional energy with.
• 12:17
  Because who you think about will influence who it is that you are and who it is that you will become.
• 12:24
  Ask yourself,"Who am I spending the most time thinking about, and what is that creating for me?" And do I want to continue to hold them in that highly esteemed position as my number one influencer, or do I want to give that position to someone else?
• 12:39
  Now, as I shared last week on my bloom scrolling episode, I have noticed that if I am not really intentional about how it is that I start my day, about what it is that I'm choosing to allow to influence me first thing in the morning, if I just let the algorithm decide, then I have a very different kind of day than when I'm really intentional about it.
• 12:56
  So when consuming news is the first thing that I do in the morning because that's what the algorithm wants to hand me first thing in the morning, then it really does have a significant impact on my day.
• 13:06
  It has significant influence.
• 13:09
  I'm more drained.
• 13:10
  I'm more negative.
• 13:12
  I'm more concerned and discouraged about what's happening in the world.
• 13:16
  But when I start my day with reading something uplifting or when I take my dog for a walk and I spend time in nature first thing in the morning, when I don't check the news until later in the day, not only do I feel better in that moment, but it is significantly easier for me to digest the news later when I get to it.
• 13:36
  And I'm bringing that up because I'm not saying to never consume the news.
• 13:39
  I'm not saying don't be informed.
• 13:41
  I'm not saying no, don't ever think about your ex, or don't ever think about that friend that you had the falling out with.
• 13:46
  I'm not saying to never allow yourself to think negative thoughts, because guess what?
• 13:50
  You're human, and you're going to be thinking about those things.
• 13:54
  But what I am saying is is that when we can be a little bit more intentional about where it is that we choose to invest our time and our energy, especially our mental and emotional energy, then it can have a significant impact on us.
• 14:07
  So track your thoughts for the day and just see what thoughts you're currently practicing.
• 14:11
  Become more aware of them so that you can tweak them if needed, all right?
• 14:16
  Just notice it.
• 14:17
  Don't judge it, right?
• 14:19
  We're just raising awareness here.
• 14:21
  Just start to observe and notice it free of judgment.
• 14:24
  Observe who it is that you're giving the most mental and emotional energy to, and then also observe what kind of an influence that's having on you.
• 14:32
  For example, and this has come up in multiple coaching calls recently, a lot of nosy neighbors have been coming up on coaching calls.
• 14:39
  So here's my question for you today is: How much time are you spending thinking about your neighbor's trash can?
• 14:44
  How much time are you spending thinking about where your neighbor stores their trash can?
• 14:49
  If they put it out the night before or the morning of?
• 14:52
  How much time are you spending thinking about where they should park their car, or who should be parked where or when, or what time their guests should leave?
• 14:58
  How much time are you investing into thinking about your neighbor?
• 15:02
  Are you allowing your neighbor to be one of the most influential people in your life simply because of when they take their trash can out?
• 15:08
  And if so, what is that creating for you internally?
• 15:13
  How much time and energy do you want to invest into thinking about your ex?
• 15:17
  Maybe you're thinking about what a horrible human they are, and you just keep thinking about all of the ways that they should have been different.
• 15:22
  Or maybe you're thinking about how wonderful they are and how you regret breaking up, but now they're with somebody new.
• 15:29
  And how is thinking about somebody that you're no longer in relationship with, how is that impacting you now?
• 15:35
  What kind of an influence does that have on you in your day-to-day life?
• 15:40
  How much time and energy have you spent into thinking about that random encounter that you had at the grocery store?
• 15:45
  And maybe this is the one where a total stranger said the absolute perfect thing, and it made you feel so good.
• 15:50
  Or maybe it might be that time when they said the absolute worst thing that they could have possibly said, but you keep thinking about it.
• 15:57
  And this might have been just a small fifteen-second interaction, but how is it impacting you now?
• 16:04
  Is that stranger now one of the top five people that you're choosing to allow to have the most influence on you?
• 16:10
  It is very interesting to just start to notice how often we allow these small exchanges to have power over us.
• 16:16
  It's very interesting to notice what it is that we turn the volume up on, even when it is just a small interaction.
• 16:22
  For example, for myself, once upon a time in my younger and hotter years, then we were all gathered as a family, and we were listening to my sister play the piano, and I think it was around Christmas time.
• 16:33
  And once she was done with her piece, then a family member said,"Well, I guess that one got all the beauty and one got all the talent." And me and my sister were both kind of discouraged by that comment and looked at each other like,"What the heck was that?" And to be honest with you, yes, we talked about that comment for years because isn't that an absolutely wild thing to say?
• 16:53
  And granted, now I know that that was just a silly comment.
• 16:57
  But to my younger self, I really allowed that comment to have a significant influence on me.
• 17:04
  I allowed that comment to mean that I wasn't very talented, so why should I apply myself?
• 17:09
  My sister's the talented one, right?
• 17:12
  And of course, now that I am grown, I know that I do not want to allow that comment to have further influence on me.
• 17:19
  But isn't it wild how long we can allow a single comment to have influence on us, even when we hardly engage with the person that actually made that comment in the first place?
• 17:28
  So don't judge yourself.
• 17:30
  You're in good company if you find your brain going to those random encounters, okay?
• 17:34
  Just notice it.
• 17:35
  Notice where your mind goes, and notice who it is that you're giving the most mental and emotional energy to.
• 17:40
  Because more than likely, because we have that negativity bias, more than likely your brain is naturally going to be drawn towards those negative encounters, which means they're going to be having that negative influence on you.
• 17:51
  It does take a little bit more intention to invite in those positive influences.
• 17:56
  Because as the saying goes, where the mind goes, the energy flows.
• 18:00
  So make sure that your energy is flowing towards things that actually really support you and the life that you want to create.
• 18:08
  Remember that creating lasting change, it does take time.
• 18:11
  You might have practiced thinking about that other person over there for a very long time, and it can be a challenge to think about something different, right?
• 18:19
  Especially in the beginning.
• 18:21
  It can be a challenge to redirect your thoughts and intentionally come up with something new to think about, and that's where coaching can be very, very helpful here.
• 18:28
  But change does happen significantly faster when you're able to just notice where your mind goes without the judgment.
• 18:36
  For example, you might notice that your mind flows towards that unresolved relationship.
• 18:41
  Because, yeah, I still have some thoughts and feelings over there, and I still am doing some processing over there.
• 18:45
  And guess what?
• 18:46
  That's fine.
• 18:47
  That's human.
• 18:48
  Allow yourself to feel and process.
• 18:51
  And set the intention to keep this proportionate to how much influence you want that unresolved relationship to have on you.
• 18:59
  Just start to notice,"Oh, okay.
• 19:00
  I am currently making this person one of my top five influences, and I would prefer to downgrade them so that they may be in the top ten or, better yet, the top twenty or the top fifty." And adjust your thoughts accordingly.
• 19:14
  Your top five people, they are going to be shifting and changing over time, and the amount of time that you give to each of them, that will also be shifting over time.
• 19:24
  But choosing to be just a little bit more intentional about who it is that you give your mental and emotional energy to, it can make such a huge difference in how you feel.
• 19:34
  So here's your challenge for the week.
• 19:35
  Are you ready?
• 19:37
  If you want to just make one small change that can have significant impact, I encourage you right now to think about one person that you want to intentionally invite in.
• 19:46
  All right?
• 19:47
  So maybe this means that you intentionally spend time with your favorite podcaster and your favorite life coach each day, right?
• 19:53
  Maybe it's that you wanna spend time each morning with your favorite author.
• 19:57
  Maybe you wanna spend time with your favorite musician and you decide that,"Okay, this week I'm going to make that song my anthem, and I'm going to intentionally play it every morning and sing it at the top of my lungs to set the tone for the day." Maybe you want to intentionally spend time thinking about how cute it is that your mail lady brings a treat for your dog every morning when she delivers your mail.
• 20:16
  Maybe it's a person that you've met before and that you know personally, or maybe it's somebody that you've never met before, but you know that their content, it really lights you up, so you want to intentionally invite them in.
• 20:26
  But pick just one person that you want to intentionally spend time with today, and then notice how that shifts your energy when you invite them in.
• 20:36
  Because the five people that you choose to invest the most mental and emotional energy into, they are the five people that you're choosing to allow to have the most influence over you.
• 20:46
  And because you and I both know that we don't want your ex running the show, then let's intentionally give that job to somebody who is better suited for your nervous system.
• 20:54
  All right?
• 20:55
  And hey, if you are struggling to find five people, or if you're struggling to not think about your ex, or if you want to intentionally invite in somebody with a more positive influence, then I hope that you'll consider joining my 12-week self-reclamation project.
• 21:07
  We're going to be starting in September.
• 21:09
  The cost is$1,200, and I'm limiting this one-on-one coaching experience to just 10 women.
• 21:15
  So together we can look at who is it that is taking up the most mental and emotional space for you, and then we can adjust things on purpose to create something that is more supportive for you and your nervous system.
• 21:26
  Together we can reclaim your time, your joy, your mental and emotional energy, and your life.
• 21:33
  To get started, you can simply email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life and let me know that you're interested.
• 21:38
  I'm gonna be linking my contact information in the show notes.
• 21:41
  But again, space is limited, so reach out as soon as possible if this resonates with you.
• 21:46
  All right, here's to choosing our influences on purpose.
• 21:50
  And hey, thank you for the influence that you have had on my life.
• 21:53
  I truly appreciate you.
• 21:55
  All right, I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon.
• 21:57
  Bye now