Latest / Unlocking The Paradigm Portal / Sunday Deep Dive: Murder Board. It Was Never About Them.

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Sunday Deep Dive: Murder Board. It Was Never About Them. · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

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Good morning Sunshine's. Welcome back to unlocking the
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Paradigm portal. My name is.
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Sarah so today. We're doing a Sunday deep dive
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and I'm going to tell you about the murder board.
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Now I know that sounds. Probably like a true.
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Crime opener. And it kind of.
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Is except the. Crime was me not seeing myself
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clearly and the detective was also me and.
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Said detective was. Drinking a lot of whiskey at the
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time. So.
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Welcome, Welcome in the Sunday deep dives are the longer
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episodes. They're unscripted, they are.
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Personal and vulnerable and last time I interviewed my kiddo.
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I'm going to do more with her in the future.
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Very excited about. That and this time we'll
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actually have a plan so we don't ping pong everywhere but.
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Today I decided to talk. About relationships, because
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this has been the hot button topic this week and I've been
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putting together something super cool based on some really
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awesome and scary and hard things that I've done the last
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couple of months. So we're going personal.
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So I'm going to sit here and sip on my coffee and just sink into
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this, no matter how uncomfortable it can be to share
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things. And I want to make it clear.
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So professionally, I'm a licensed massage therapist.
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I'm a somatic practitioner. I'm also an attachment theory
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coach. I work with people on their
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attachment styles and how it's. Basically.
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Screwing up their lives and why? Understand it, Reprogram it.
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It's very cool. But today, I am not here as any
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of those. I am just here as me.
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I am here as the person who in the past desperately needed the
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kind of coaching that I do now. I had coaching from an amazing
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person and it was what I needed at the time and looking back, I
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can see how the work now. It would have changed things
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back then, but I didn't know it. So I'm going to talk about my
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own patterns and my own relationship history and the
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process I went through to finally see myself clearly.
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So I'm going to start with a few months ago and excuse me as I
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stop periodically to drink my coffee.
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Fun fact, I have a mug that I was given for my birthday that
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I've wanted forever and I'm very excited to have it.
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And on it is a branch with two crows and it says attempted
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murder. I think it's hysterical.
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Some people look at me blankly and they don't understand why.
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It's funny if you don't Google it and it's perfect for today.
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So a few months ago I hit a wall.
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Like. Slammed face first into it like
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a. Crash test.
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Dummy. And it's not like it was a rock
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bottom. It wasn't technically.
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A crisis. It was elderly.
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Parents, teenage kids, everyone having a hard time literally in
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the span of. Like 5 days.
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And it, it just overwhelmed me. I was, I felt very alone.
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I felt like I didn't have a support network I didn't have.
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People who gave a shit. Besides my best friend, whether
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that is real or not doesn't matter.
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In that moment I felt that way, so it.
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It was a lot of. Time of almost like a month of
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me just very quietly being reflective and nurturing the
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hell out of myself and staying very much in like a hermit mode
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and evaluating like who was showing up for me and who really
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wasn't and with. That I started seeing.
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Patterns existing because it got quiet and I always talk.
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About this, the quieter it gets. The more you can hear things and
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see things clearly, which is why most people want background
4:11
noise to avoid it. But I'm one of those people
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that's like everything. I want it silent so I can.
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See it so clearly. So in that time I also realized.
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I could see all these. Patterns coming up in my family
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situation, in my kids situation and I started piercing things
4:29
together and then I was like I want to.
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Take a deep dive. Look at my relationship
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patterns. We all have them and most people
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don't stop and take a peek at them and and I've had some
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really amazing people in my life and I've had some really super
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shitty ones. And all the sudden I was like,
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not that I haven't thought about it before.
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But I just. Allowed myself the time and.
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I I had this quiet. Realization that I just kept
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arriving at the same destination with different people, but I
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couldn't. Quite see like the.
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Linchpin point. And I was just so done.
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So I I really did what any completely reasonable, rational
5:14
person would do. I got my coffee.
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Whiskey out which I wish. I could remember the.
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Brand, it was so good. And I sat down with my best
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friend and I mapped out every significant relationship.
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That I have ever. Been in like I was solving a
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crime and I'm talking going back 30 plus years to when I was like
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14. It was bonkers crazy and it was
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really fun actually. And so I before you picture me
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like spiraling into some. Obsessive like X cataloguing.
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Situation and let me be. Super clear about what this was.
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And what it wasn't OK? It's not about them.
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I wasn't replaying. Who did what I wasn't.
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Feeding resentments or building a case against anyone.
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I was looking for myself in the data.
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And so think of it like I was running this science experiment.
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I was not in the fields. I wasn't going into a rant.
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I wasn't anything. I was listing the facts.
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And I do this with my coaching a lot.
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Just the facts, ma'am. Like we're not going in fields,
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We're not going into the. Past we're just like, let's go
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through the. Facts of what happened and
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identify patterns that were coming up.
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Or behaviors. In others or in myself?
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That were. That were appearing that I
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either ignored or leaned into and especially focusing on me
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why did. I.
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Choose to go toward patterns. Why did I choose to?
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Reenact patterns. Why did I choose patterns?
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Period. It was completely self
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exploration and you know how they.
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Say history repeats itself, so it's like.
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I was looking to see. Why history?
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My history continued to repeat by reading a history textbook,
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if that makes sense. So it genuinely was not about
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any other person and what I found.
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Is that every relationship I'd. Ever been in that I have ever
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been in had one consistent variable for looking at this
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like an equation 1 variable across the board and that was me
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and I had never honestly taken a look at what I was bringing to
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the table like. The good.
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The wounded, the patterns I kept repeating like I was following
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outdated computer code. And I say that.
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Realizing I don't even know what computer code does or is.
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Fortunately, my friend's husband is the computer geek that can
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help. With all of that stuff.
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So I don't know why I just use that phrasing, but I did.
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I was following a script basically and that I didn't even
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know. That I had outdated.
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Programming that was based on. Past stuff, whether reality or
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perceived reality or false or real.
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I don't even know, but outdated programming and my attachment
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pattern have been running the show without my permission and I
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finally finally. Decided to look at it.
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And for those who don't know your attachment styles, there's
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the old school attachment theory that calls them anxious, avoid
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it and disorganized. I go with integrated attachment
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theory with Tais Gibson at the personal development school.
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She's amazing. I so recommend her and her work
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and her videos and unbelievable wealth of knowledge and I did
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her certification program and so with her there's anxious.
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Preoccupied the people. That tend to cling and are very
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anxiety driven. There's dismissive avoidant, the
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people that tend to Stonewall, shut down, close people out and
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not get attached very much. And then there's those like me,
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fearful avoidance, who fluctuate between the two.
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Now, some people lean one way, some people lean the other way.
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Like whether it's more anxious or more avoidant.
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I happened to previously run smack dab in the dead center.
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So if somebody ran more anxious, I would go full on avoidant and
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be like, whoa, too close. If somebody was more avoidant,
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which has been my personality of choice in the past, if they are
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more avoidant, I would become more anxious and hold on tighter
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and it was this constant push. Pull.
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It's a very. Challenging attachment style,
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but. I will.
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Say it is not impossible. To work with if you.
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Are willing to do it. I fortunately tackle everything
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like a sledgehammer so I've worked my ass off for like the.
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Last couple of years. On this and I don't know.
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That you ever fully heal. I don't know if I believe.
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That that you fully heal. From attachment wounding.
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However, I do believe. Everyone is a work in progress
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and it's up to. You how quickly or slowly?
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You move through it and I've processed through a ton, a ton
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of wounding and I see. That I feel it everyday.
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I see it in my relationship with my kids.
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I hear it from people that have known me for a long time who
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have watched it happen. It feels pretty damn amazing.
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But anyways, my fearful avoidant tendencies had been operating
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the whole system like hijacked it and was running it like a
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what are those things? Like a computer worm bug.
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Virus, whatever so. What was I actually looking?
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For you. Asked I was looking for three
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things. Wow, my throat keeps wanting to
11:01
close up. I was looking at the patterns
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that I was drawn to in partners and again I'm talking going.
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Back 30 plus years just to see. The ebbs and the flows and how
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things shifted over time. I was looking for the patterns
11:20
that I could see in myself across those relationships, in
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the partners. So like what did they mirror to
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me? And where those two things
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overlapped, like the correlation points, that's where the wound
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lives. So patterns in them, patterns in
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myself and then how did that overlap and the the things in
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the partner that I found challenging, whether challenging
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for me to open up, challenging for vulnerability, challenging
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in whatever way. How was I also?
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Showing up with that and let me tell you, it was freaking mind
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blowing. Then I looked at the red.
12:00
Flags that I saw. And that I ignored and not
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because I was blind, I saw them, I minimized them because the
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need that was underneath. All of it was.
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So much louder than the warning that was on top and there'd be
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giant red. Flags, literally.
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Waving, smacking me in the face and I would duck down and be.
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Like, but there's good stuff back there.
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That my friend is wounding when we intentionally or well when we
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unintentionally and then intentionally put on blinders to
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ignore red flags. That's your wounding talking
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that's not healthy heeled adult and then the one thing that hit
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even harder than the red flags, the green flags that I
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dismissed. Yep, that happened the
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consistent. People or the safe?
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Ones because I think I not I think I know somewhere along the
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way I in my subconscious. Decided that safety felt.
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Boring. That's part of that fearful.
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Avoidant thing. And like if my nervous system
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wasn't in a state of activation then it must not be real or it
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must not be a connection or whatever.
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Which is total bullshit. And that is you're wounding
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again, calling out. And that was just all the
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woman's talking to me. It wasn't actually me.
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And I want to backtrack for a second because I did reference
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the safe ones. And I want to say this to the
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people out there and I'm directing it at men right now
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because I. Have had AI had this.
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Conversation with a few men in the last few months.
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If. Someone tells you that you are a
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safe person if a woman tells you that you are a safe man.
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I have talked. To a few amazing men.
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Who have been told this? By partners, by friends, by all
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of that, by me in some cases, and.
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They I saw the visible. Cringe on them and in them.
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And I want to explain as I did with them, and I want to explain
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it to anybody who has heard that your perception, most likely
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your wounding views someone saying you are safe as a
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negative thing, as boring as settling as all of.
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That. And, you know, there might be
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the person out there that means that, but maybe that person is
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so wounded that they don't. Realize what they're actually.
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Saying that they feel safe because their nervous system can
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go offline. So in my opinion, and this is
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just my opinion if someone feels.
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Safe. That is the highest.
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Compliment and highest honor that I can give to anyone,
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especially a man. So if you've heard that.
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I want you to know you're doing a good job, and on behalf of
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people everywhere and women everywhere, thank you.
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I just had to address. That because it has come up in
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conversations quite a bit. Being told you're safe.
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I've told that to 1 human being in my life and not that I
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haven't. Felt safety with other people.
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But one where it was so profoundly obvious and startling
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that I. Had to actually say it and
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that's literally the highest. Honor that I could give to
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someone, so I hope. All you guys out.
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There that you hear this, OK. Getting back to this SO.
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The murder board. So I'm looking for patterns in
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the other person that I'm drawn to, patterns in me that were
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playing out. Were they overlapped because
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that that is the? Linchpin for the wounding I'm
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looking for the red flags that I saw and chose to turn blinders
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on to. Which we all do.
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Pretending that the toxic things don't exist.
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The chaotic things, the conflict, the hostility.
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The the solitude the. Loneliness, the emptiness, the
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lack of connection, the. Lack of sex or the.
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Lack of satisfying sex. All of these things that we turn
16:09
blinders on and pretend like it's OK.
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Those are the red. Flags.
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We ignore the green. Flags that oh.
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Man, those are the ones I don't. I don't live.
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With regret, but I do look back at the the green flags that I
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shoved. Away and that's.
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The part that I just feel like, oh.
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Young Sarah, you could have had a totally different direction.
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However, my direction led me to where I am now and man, I
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freaking love who I am and where I am now.
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OK, getting back on track. I.
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I'm a little ping pongy today. So I apologize for that.
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So after that murder board. We laid it all out.
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We looked at all the. Patterns.
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We noticed the overlapping things.
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Basically, I would reiterate the.
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Story my friend who knows everything about me, she would
17:00
throw out the name of someone that I've.
17:02
Dated over the past. 30 some odd years and I would regale.
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Her with the story she. Already knew it, but it was more
17:08
for me to hear it and hear it from an observational
17:10
standpoint, like a scientific. Research study.
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And then as we were doing this, we had.
17:15
Sheets of copy paper laid out. And I would just start writing
17:20
down significant things about that relationship and again, not
17:24
about the person. The person was just the subject
17:27
under the microscope. And then as.
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They as we started. Accumulating papers.
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Then we would kind of stand up and look at them.
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And when I'm looking at them, I'm like holding my chin and I
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rub my bottom lip. I don't know why.
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It's like a thoughtful thing. And we'd be like.
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Hold up this. Pattern, it's here and here and
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here, OK? In this other pattern, it's here
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and here and here and be able to see them in real time and be
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like holy shit. And also, I noticed it aligned
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with different age ranges in my life.
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Some wounding was stronger in one place, some wounding was
18:00
stronger in another. Place it was.
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Mind boggling to do. To really have it laid.
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Out in front of me like a murder board and it I realized I don't
18:10
know if I ever explained that when I say a murder board, if
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you don't know that reference, think of like the image on the
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screen old school movies. With the big old.
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Board and the pictures on and the strings drawing it together
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to make the connections. That's why I call it the murder
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board. Nobody was actually harmed in
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the making of my murder board. Let me just make that very
18:29
clear. So.
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That was that whole process. Of mapping it all out, it was
18:36
profound. I did the.
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Bulk of it with her. And then I did a bunch of it
18:40
independently on my own. The ones.
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Like the really? Thankfully, there's only a
18:46
couple. But the very, very toxic.
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Traumatic, abusive relationships.
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Those ones I needed to do by myself, and I'm not going to
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lie. It was very difficult to relive
18:56
that it always. Is no matter how much.
18:57
Therapy you do. And I had to like get up and
19:01
double over and take a lot of deep breaths.
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And I used my mantra, which is I am scared and I'm safe.
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I'm scared and I'm safe and did my breathing.
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But I got through it and it was amazing with.
19:11
Those especially to see. What had me so drawn to
19:16
extraordinarily toxic individuals?
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It was. Really fascinating.
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So that led. To.
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What I'm going to call my autopsy weekend since we're
19:27
going full on crime scene kind of stuff.
19:32
I moved into a new house. I painted it from top to bottom.
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I mean the ceilings, everything. So it's my.
19:40
Cozy, happy space. And I freaking love it.
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And as soon as I got in here, it was like I had a secondary
19:48
emotional crash because I was in my safe place, in my happy spot.
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And all the sudden I. Realized why I had.
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Done my murder board and it was to head into my autopsy weekend.
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Where? I had to go through.
20:01
I didn't have to. I didn't.
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Well, you know what? I didn't have a choice.
20:05
I felt compelled. If you've ever seen Harry
20:07
Potter, I can't remember which movie it is.
20:09
And I know it's sacrilegious that I've only seen the movies
20:11
and not read the books. And I have the books, but I like
20:13
the movies and I don't want to dislike them.
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It's a whole thing. The movie where Ron breaks his
20:18
wand and he goes to spell Malfoy and those spell ends up coming
20:23
back to him and he ends up puking up slugs.
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If anyone remembers which movies of this was I can't remember.
20:29
Which one? My daughter loves and we just
20:30
watched them all. I can't remember.
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That part where he just. Keeps turning green and
20:35
compulsively puking up a slug. I spent three days basically
20:39
feeling like that. Didn't actually vomit.
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Did dry heave a little? Bit at one point but.
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It was like. Starting from age 14 where I had
20:49
my first quote UN quote real boyfriend and who was just an
20:55
absolute looking back I'm like. Such a sweetheart.
20:58
Started on a very high note, like just a sweet.
21:00
Sweet boy. And I would it.
21:05
Felt like a slug. Coming up and out this story and
21:08
I and I'm a writer like my degree is in writing and I would
21:12
sit down and I just started writing it and writing it and
21:15
writing it and I was converting this story of each person into.
21:20
Basically a fairy tale. And I was pulling in archetype
21:25
patterns and telling it in a really mythical way that it
21:33
became so beautiful. And as I did.
21:37
This I would start. Identifying the patterns in me,
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the patterns that were playing out, the lessons that I was
21:45
learning, the gifts that I was learning, any symbolism that I
21:48
had. Or.
21:51
Images. Or.
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Synchronicities or any any of those, I don't know, I guess you
21:57
could call them woo woo things, but any of those things that I
22:01
felt. Very tied.
22:03
To that moment in time, I'm not going to say.
22:06
To the relationship. To the moment in time because
22:08
that's it was a snapshot in my life and then it got packed away
22:13
and then another snapshot came up and it.
22:16
Was so. Cathartic, and I got to say.
22:19
There were. A couple of people from.
22:21
Forever ago that I I realized as I was.
22:24
Doing this, I kind of like villainized them and taking a
22:28
step out of the emotions and just the outgoing of the
22:30
observations. They were not the villains.
22:34
I have a couple. People that were actual
22:35
villains, like evil, maniacal, Machiavellian kind of villains.
22:43
One in particular, but the other one's pretty damn close.
22:47
But most of them were just sweet, nice, lovely human beings
22:52
and I. Could see as I sat.
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And relive the. Stories I could see.
22:57
My wounding coming out to play in each of them.
23:00
And again, as I was doing this, the rule that I gave myself was
23:06
it's not about them. Ultimately, the names, the
23:10
demographics, the all of that. Stuff.
23:13
It had nothing to do. With that I actually left.
23:16
That off entirely and it was me. How did I feel?
23:20
How did I interact? How?
23:23
What did I suppress? In myself.
23:26
What did I express? In myself and feel comfortable
23:30
with that. And literally every story got.
23:35
Filtered through one question, which was what does this show me
23:38
about myself? What did I allow?
23:40
What did I? Bend What did I give?
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What did I withhold? We don't like to acknowledge.
23:46
That, but we withhold. Things and this reminds me, I
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had a conversation with someone the other day and I said, you
23:53
know, I've been thinking. About this we talk.
23:54
About the feeling of walking on egg shells and if you haven't
23:59
experienced that, I'm happy. I'm very.
24:01
Happy for you if you have. It's toxic.
24:05
It's literally toxic behavior. It's.
24:07
It's emotional abuse, it is unhealthy and it is a sign that
24:13
there are massive, massive underlying problems.
24:16
But we often. Deal with it or brush it off.
24:19
For a multitude of reasons and so this friend that I was.
24:22
Talking to, I said. Something that I've been
24:25
pondering and I've I've been creating something this week
24:28
that I will. Share a little.
24:29
Bit about at the end and this. Was part of it was.
24:32
To think about, were you the one that was walking on egg?
24:36
Shells or were. You the one who?
24:39
Laid the egg shells, whether for yourself, whether for the other.
24:43
Person. Not always maliciously, but it's
24:45
something to think about because I think we all have done it.
24:49
Both ways. At times but anyways so this it.
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It just this whole. Experience showed me so so very
24:57
much and I wasn't telling. Their stories I was.
25:05
Finally telling mine and I want to be honest it it wasn't pain
25:09
free. Because there's a lot of.
25:12
Grief and seeing yourself clearly.
25:15
And there can be some shame that bubbles up, and embarrassment,
25:21
and some rage. But just a.
25:25
Lot of oozing, seeping grief. And it's grief for the time, the
25:32
time spent playing it small and being unhappy and choosing a
25:40
life that didn't. Feel right, but I chose.
25:43
It anyways because I didn't know any better and the times.
25:48
That I chose a life. That didn't make me happy, and I
25:51
did know better. But I chose it because I was
25:54
too. Afraid to try something
25:55
different and. There was grief.
25:59
For those younger versions of me that didn't know what they
26:02
didn't know and that. Grief is super real.
26:05
And it deserves to be named. So then everything kind of
26:11
shifted and there was a moment that I stopped asking.
26:17
Why do they keep? Doing this to me which?
26:21
That was like a super. Outdated question.
26:23
I remember that coming into my head at one point and I was
26:25
like, that's freaking weird. I haven't said that in a while.
26:27
It was like it just. Kind of regurgitated.
26:30
Up. And I was like Nope Nope that is
26:34
so outdated and I started asking myself.
26:36
Why do I keep? Showing up in.
26:37
Places where this is possible, why do I keep?
26:40
Choosing things that don't feel right, or ignoring my intuition
26:47
when I recognize that it's not right.
26:50
And suddenly everything just really changed.
26:52
I mean, it had been on the brink and I'd recognized it, but this
26:55
gave me. Total total.
26:57
Clarity and transparency and. I have to watch.
27:03
The time 'cause my recording thing only lets me record for a
27:05
certain amount of time and then I have to do a second one and it
27:10
really it was never them and it's not about letting anybody.
27:14
Off the hook. For real harm, like that's just
27:17
being honest that I was the one making the choices.
27:20
I was the one staying, I was the one going back.
27:23
I was the one deciding this was. What I was available for?
27:27
And then the time came. To choose.
27:30
Differently. So my attachment pattern wasn't
27:36
a character flaw. OK, it's not and just.
27:40
As a heads up. It's not permanent, it can be
27:42
completely morphed and changed if you put the work in.
27:47
It really it's a survival strategy.
27:50
And it was. Built very early by either.
27:54
Actual experiences or perceived experiences, and for reasons
27:58
that made sense at the time. And they kept running long
28:02
after. And it kept running long after
28:05
it stopped serving me like the old programming.
28:09
But healing doesn't mean erasing it.
28:12
It just means seeing it, and I think that's what a lot of.
28:16
People get stuck. On when you heal, when you let
28:20
things go. They don't.
28:21
Magically disappear. They just stop.
28:25
Driving you and they stop being something you cling to.
28:29
Like a toxic. Lifeline and once you can see
28:33
it. It releases.
28:35
Its hold on you it's really pretty incredible so you.
28:40
Have to like. Recognize when your wounding is
28:44
driving you versus when you are and make a different choice,
28:49
even if the old one feels more familiar.
28:52
And it takes patience and it takes practice and it takes, you
28:55
know, occasionally fucking up and having to kind of figure out
28:58
your way back. Which, you know, I've done this
29:00
stuff for a long time and I still get kicked in the teeth at
29:03
times and have to find my way back.
29:05
And that's OK. I mean, I'm literally still in
29:08
this work all the time. This isn't AI, have it.
29:11
All figured out story. It's AI finally started looking
29:16
at it story and the last thing that I learned is that you can
29:22
choose the lesson without attaching to the person or the
29:26
outcome. And that's pretty damn cool and
29:29
powerful because the lesson it's it's portable.
29:32
You can take it with you, but the person is not and staying in
29:37
situations that are toxic, unhealthy, unhappy, whatever
29:41
they may be. That's your choice.
29:46
And as long as you're learning the lessons like you make your
29:50
choice, you live how you want to live.
29:52
Take the lesson and move. Forward, whatever it.
29:56
Is that moving forward is for you?
29:59
Because. Once you.
30:00
See your patterns clearly You. Can't.
30:02
Go fully back to sleep. You're you're just you.
30:06
Can't. You can try, but it will become
30:09
very, very uncomfortable and that's not a.
30:11
Curse. It's actually.
30:13
A gift. So what does the murder board
30:18
actually mean? Right.
30:21
Well, I don't want you to hear this as cynicism.
30:24
Or walls or like a. Permanent.
30:26
Never again. It means looking.
30:31
At yourself with clear eyes. And it means knowing the
30:35
difference between chemistry and chaos.
30:38
And let me tell you, as a reformed, reforming, fearful
30:41
avoidant you. We associate chaos as.
30:47
Chemistry. Therefore it must be connection,
30:50
right? Think of it like a math
30:52
equation. Chaos plus chemistry equals
30:54
connection, or chaos equals chemistry equals connection.
30:57
And it's not, it's really not. And frankly and actually this is
31:02
talked about a lot in attachment theory.
31:05
If you have that instant spark of attraction in connection with
31:09
someone, consider. That a red flag because.
31:12
There's a reason for it. There's something that they are
31:16
mirroring back to you, which is why there's that chemistry.
31:18
If someone feels soft and soothing, that is a green flag
31:26
and take your time for the love. Of God.
31:28
Take your time. That people, I'm actually
31:31
creating a program based around vetting and OK, so chemistry and
31:37
chaos and connection, not the same things.
31:41
And now I feel I can tell the difference between like depth
31:45
and drama. Drama is like the person
31:47
splashing around on the surface creating all sorts of a ruckus
31:50
and guess what? Sharks are going to come and
31:52
bite you in the butt. The Depths, that is.
31:55
Flowing and smooth and complex and beautiful and I can tell the
32:03
difference now. It took some time, but now it's
32:06
so obvious and now I know what a green.
32:09
Flag feels like. In my body, not in my mind, not
32:13
logicing my way through it, but in my body.
32:16
And I certainly know what a red flag.
32:18
Feels like I describe it as. It feels like sharp edges.
32:23
It feels. I mean I instantly.
32:25
Have this like shallow breath. And it's like, oh, that's a no
32:29
for sure. There is no.
32:31
Wishy washy about the 2. Anymore, although now as I say.
32:35
That I. Swear to God the universe is
32:37
going to throw a test at me to see if I can tell I feel
32:40
confident I got it. And the biggest thing is that
32:43
I'm learning to trust myself and my judgement and actually listen
32:48
to it instead of talking myself out of it and.
32:52
Through this whole process I've. Broken down, what do I actually
32:56
need? Not just what I want, but what I
32:59
actually need. What I expect, what I require
33:02
and. For the first time in an
33:04
extraordinarily long time, I trust myself to honor those
33:08
things instead of kind of quietly setting them aside
33:13
because I'm too afraid of asking for too much.
33:16
No, no. That was tied to the.
33:19
Remnants of an unworthy core wound and feeling like I didn't
33:22
deserve everything that I was asking for.
33:25
Nope, that's long over. So there are things that I used
33:32
to negotiate a way that I don't negotiate anymore.
33:36
There are boundaries. That I have established that.
33:40
Those are unwavering and it's not.
33:42
And I think some people not, I think I know a lot of people
33:46
view boundaries as you're throwing up walls.
33:48
No, I am saying this is what I'm comfortable with.
33:52
Honor my boundaries, be a loving, emotionally safe person,
33:56
and yes, come on into the inner sanctum.
34:00
If not, yeah, you can stay on the outside.
34:02
And there's no waffling about that.
34:05
I don't care how much someone tells me they don't like it or
34:07
it makes them feel bad. Tough shit.
34:09
They're your feelings. Take responsibility for them.
34:14
I I feel. Actually that I've become less
34:16
rigid because I finally understand that my boundaries
34:22
and my needs are never optional. I just told myself.
34:25
That they were. And I made them optional.
34:28
I made my choices and my needs and my wants everything
34:32
optional. And they're not.
34:34
And I'm still healing. My attachment pattern is
34:37
continuously in that process and it.
34:40
Probably always will be, but. Being aware is everything, and
34:46
awareness changes the game. So here's what I didn't expect,
34:52
that I didn't just heal something, I built something.
34:57
Because as as I went. Through all of this, like all,
35:00
and this has been the process of the last few months, as I went
35:04
through the patterns, the correlation points, everything I
35:07
wish I'd known sooner, I kept coming back to one thought.
35:11
What would it have looked? Like if I'd had a framework for
35:15
this before, I needed to do damage control.
35:18
And we say that all the time. Like relationships don't come
35:21
with a manual, parenting doesn't come with a manual.
35:25
You. Figure it out as you.
35:26
Go usually like after something breaks, usually in the middle of
35:30
the wreckage. After it's already.
35:32
Cost you something after. You like let it all.
35:35
Sit and simmer and Stew, as hurt becomes anger, and then anger
35:41
turns into resentment, and then resentment over a long period of
35:45
time becomes bitterness. So what if we had a?
35:51
Manual. For before all of that bullshit.
35:58
And what if? There was like a real.
36:00
Structured, honest process that. Couples could go through
36:04
together. Not in a crisis, not in the
36:08
aftermath. But like pre emptively to.
36:11
Lay the groundwork and like giving themselves the time and
36:17
the opportunity to build something intentional.
36:19
Like what if that existed? So my my murder board, excuse
36:23
me, became a blueprint, everything that.
36:27
I wished I'd had. Like every question I wish
36:32
someone had made me answer before I got it wrong or before
36:35
I made questionable choices. I built it and it's almost ready
36:40
and I've been working my ass off like into the wee hours of the
36:44
night, back up in the morning and building this entire.
36:48
Set up. And it's pretty cool and I'm
36:53
very excited about it. I'm still tweaking it.
36:55
I'm hoping that I'm hoping I'm going to do it.
36:58
I want to have it ready to launch by Friday the 13th
37:02
because I like all the things that people think are taboo, but
37:06
I'm tweaking it and I'm morphing it and I'm making it as
37:09
comprehensive as humanly possible, and I want to create
37:15
more connection in the world. So that's my goal.
37:19
And I'm not going to say any more than that today, but I
37:21
wanted you to know that it's coming.
37:24
Because this whole. Situation is where it came from.
37:29
It's been so much more than a personal journey.
37:32
Of. Getting to know myself more and
37:37
seeing myself and my choices clearly and setting up setting
37:42
the groundwork. For the best.
37:45
Future I can possibly imagine it feels amazing to move from
37:52
confusion and murkiness and uncertainty and.
37:58
A. A large.
37:59
Part of it feeling like, well, I don't know what I want.
38:02
I don't know how to imagine that because my brain and my
38:06
subconscious kept trying to shrink it down to what I felt.
38:08
I. Deserved at.
38:09
In like the outdated programming.
38:12
So working through a lot of. That and seeing where I accepted
38:15
far less than I deserved, and also seeing how in the last
38:20
couple. Of years.
38:22
Since doing since like diving into the attachment work full
38:25
force and like let me make it. Also very clear.
38:29
When it comes to my own personal healing, this is not how I work
38:33
with clients. Well, some of them, but not
38:34
usually. I go full.
38:37
Throttle sledgehammer like I don't want to waste time.
38:39
Time is wasting. I'm getting older.
38:42
I I I've spent so much time already living in a state of I
38:51
don't want to say it hasn't been happy.
38:52
Because it has but like. I haven't been living the most
38:57
unbelievably authentic, happy life until very recently, and
39:02
I've learned. The last two years.
39:05
I have learned what I need, what I want, how to communicate it,
39:09
how to handle conflict, how to set boundaries and hold them.
39:13
Because boundaries are how you. Show people they are allowed.
39:17
To interact with and love you. They are the highest.
39:20
Form of self love. And it was very difficult.
39:22
And uncomfortable to do it at. 1st but holy shit.
39:25
I feel like freaking Wonder Woman with the.
39:27
Bracelets like peum peum. Peum setting boundaries, it's
39:30
amazing. And just feeling very
39:35
comfortable being my authentic self.
39:37
And I am like quirky and different and I have always
39:42
marched to the beat of my own drum, which is challenging in a
39:46
world where everybody wants you to look a certain way, be a
39:49
certain way, do a certain thing. And I, since I was very young,
39:53
have basically thrown double middle fingers.
39:55
Up at the world about. That and I spent a lot of time
39:58
trying to bend and morph and fit into boxes.
40:02
That other people. Had laid out for me and that is
40:07
just not happening like in the last two.
40:09
Years I have. Blown my entire existence apart.
40:14
Like blasting open the Death Star, not blasting it open
40:17
'cause it didn't open. It just exploded.
40:20
And. It was.
40:21
Terrifying at 1st and now. It's like, oh, I'm back to 0.
40:26
And I get to decide every single part of it, and it feels
40:31
incredible. So yeah, I that's my whole
40:37
story. Now you've got the big
40:39
transformation and with that friend and I have been talking
40:43
about doing some of this relationship murder.
40:46
Board, although we probably should.
40:48
Change that or it's going to people are going to think it's
40:50
like a 48 hours kind of thing, but do.
40:53
That with people to help. Them map it all.
40:55
Out because it was. Genuinely mind blowing to
41:00
actually see the wounds and the patterns in other people and how
41:04
they interacted with me and see how it mirrored my own.
41:07
It was amazing. But so anyways I want to bring
41:09
this. Back to you before I let you go.
41:12
You don't have to build a murder.
41:13
Board although I totally. Recommend it.
41:16
You don't have to do an autopsy weekend, although that worked
41:20
for me. But again, I'm a writer.
41:22
You could do something else creative with it.
41:25
I'm not prescribing anything. I just want to leave you with a
41:29
single question and you don't have to answer it right now.
41:32
Just sit with it. What is your?
41:34
Relationship history actually showing you.
41:37
About yourself. I'm making a scrunchy face as I
41:42
say that because I can imagine somebody listening to this just
41:45
cringed a little bit. So what is it?
41:48
Actually showing you. About you.
41:51
Not them. Just about you.
41:53
About what you've been reaching for, tolerating, dismissing,
41:58
repeating. You don't have to have the
42:01
answer, You just have to be willing to look.
42:05
Look into your parent patterns. Look into your relationship with
42:10
the concept. Of love What does love look like
42:12
to you? Where did you learn?
42:15
What love looked like. And the love that you have right
42:20
now from whomever it is your partner is.
42:23
Does that feel soft? And joyful and open.
42:28
Can you? Truly, truly be yourself.
42:32
In. All your quirky, weird glory.
42:34
Can you do that? And if you can't, what's going
42:38
on? Is it you have a hard time
42:40
communicating or they have a hard time receiving?
42:44
Just get. Super super curious because
42:48
having. Clear eyes in your relationship,
42:51
it isn't about a destination. It is a practice.
42:55
It is a continuous practice, and it starts with the willingness
42:59
to ask the honest questions even when the answer is
43:03
uncomfortable. And I'm going to.
43:04
Change that to say especially. When the answer is
43:08
uncomfortable. So thank you for being here for
43:13
this one. The personal ones cost more to
43:18
make energetically. And I, I spend honestly the
43:22
entire week thinking of like what?
43:25
How vulnerable am I going to go? And this was pretty vulnerable
43:27
for me and but it matters more to me.
43:31
Because of it. So if this landed with you in
43:34
any way, shape or form, feel free.
43:36
To share it, I would love if you.
43:38
Subscribe if you're on YouTube. That's subscribing if you're on
43:43
Spotify. I'd love it if you followed.
43:46
I will be sharing my fun thing that is coming and I would love.
43:51
For you to be. A part of hearing about it and
43:54
just a reminder, Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 6:00 AM are
43:58
my more motivational videos. I had to come up with a name for
44:01
that. Series actually, I feel.
44:04
Like it needs to have something. And then Tuesday, Thursday,
44:07
Saturday at 9:00 PM is the light in the dark.
44:11
Series Soft. Soothing me, just sitting with
44:13
you so that you're not so alone. And then, as always, Sundays.
44:18
Are the deep dives so? I will have Quinn back at a
44:21
later date and I'm going to see who else I can get in here.
44:24
So thank you for joining me and I will see you next Sunday.