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Monday Mini: When Expressing Your Boundaries Makes You Feel Bad · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I love good of stuff.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I've never told you pro action of iHeart radio. And
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: today we have a bit of a shorter Monday Mini
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: for you, a revisits on boundaries and guilts and women,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: which I think is timely because we are going into.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: A holiday weekend, which for.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Us, or I'll speak for myself for me, is often
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: difficult to maintain boundaries around.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: But I'm trying really hard.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: This time, trying very very hard. Do you have any
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: any plans for the holiday weekend?
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: No, My answer is always though. I'm probably gonna be
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: doing some KJAMA watching, be working. See this is what
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: I don't have boundaries because I just work whenever. But
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: I will be doing some research about k pop, which
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: is our upcoming episode.
• 1:06
  Speaker 4: We'll be doing that pretty soon, releasing that pretty soon.
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: And there's a lot of things happening in a K
• 1:11
  Speaker 4: pop world.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: So you know, I'm trying to be all cool and
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: trendy and keeping up with the latest.
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: I'm cool, Anny, I know you are.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: I know.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: That's what I always say. That is my cool friend.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: That was okay, No, no, I you know me. I'm
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: gonna be reading and writing fan fiction I do have
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: to clean.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I have to. I have a lot of things
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: I put off cleaning.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: Wise that I sent you some homework, so while you're cleaning,
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: you could actually be doing your homework.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: It's true.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: But I have to, As I talked about in a
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: recent happy hour, I believe I have to like sneak
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: my drain, and I think it's just going to be
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: so miserable. So I don't know that I want to
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: associate that you sent me, but yes, yes, I mean
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: there's plenty of time, plenty of time.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: To do these things. But I've been thinking.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: About boundaries lately, and we've talked about it before several
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: times on here and my struggle with them, and it
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: was kind of there was a lot of catalyst for
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: me wanting to talk about this again, and one was
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: I think about a month ago you told me you
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: had you felt some guilt because you had a friend
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: ask you, you know, hey, can we hang out soon?
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: And you said, like try middle.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Of June.
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: Exactly. Yeah.
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: I definitely had this moment because we are really busy
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: right now, and May is filled with so many things.
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: Whether I have a lot of people's birthdays in May,
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: as well as we have events like graduation and all
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: these things and family get togethers. And then on top
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: of that, yes, we have an audiobook coming that we
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: have to record, and we have to take a full
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: week out. And when we take time off and we're
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: not really taking time off, this is still work. We
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: have to plan ahead. And because we release a new
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: episode almost every day, at least five days a week,
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: that's so much planning to do, because that doesn't include
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: us actually researching. And as you know, when we research,
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: and we've talked about how much information that we get,
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: how long it really takes.
• 3:37
  Speaker 4: There's a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: So a person who haven't seen I think in years,
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: I want to say, maybe pre covid sit a message
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: and was like, we'd love to catch up. We want
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: to talk to you, like it already started. The message
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: started out bad because apparently she tried to contact me
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: and I hadn't responded. So her message was, I don't
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: know if this is still your number. I really hope
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: it is. Just let me know or I'll stop trying.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, oh no, that doesn't mean to It
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: just happens to be like she's one of those friends
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: that are in the periphery. I like her, I love
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: her to death, but I just you know, we don't
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: hang out like that. And I have such a hard
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: time even keeping up with the friends that I am
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: close to. Literally the people that I'm closest to I
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: probably see every couple of weeks, including you. I don't
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: think we've hung out like that. We weren't, and I
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: see you at least twice a week, but that doesn't
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: mean we're not We're hanging out, and we don't do
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  Speaker 3: that as much, especially since the last of us has stopped, right,
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  Speaker 3: So all of those things, and I'm like, okay, I
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: really do want to hang out, but that takes a
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: whole day and all these things.
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  Speaker 4: So the best thing I could do is second.
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: Week of June radio silence and so bad because it
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: doesn't sound it's so snobby, but I'm like, no, but
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  Speaker 3: this is the only way I can do this, and
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: I have to be honest without putting it aside and
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: trying to like prush it back and just be nonchalot
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: about it.
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: I'm going to give you a very direct answer. I'm
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: so sorry.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: See that in our last half hour about sex and
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: the City, about the double booking. Like a lot of
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: times I get in trouble with that, not with like dating, yep,
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: with hanging out with friends. So I feel like you
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: were doing like a very responsible thing. I do get,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: you know, the other side of like middle of June.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: But I'm in the boat, the same boat as you.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: So after you told me this and you told me
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: how guilty you felt, and I was kind of like, ah,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: it happened to me. So I had recently gone through
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: this other podcast saver, I'd gone to Vegas and then
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: I came back and I did Mother's Day and these
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: are all great things, but I was very like overwhelmed
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: and stressed and tired. And we have this audiobook coming up.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I'm working on this thirteen days at Halloween. Look I'm
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: doing the thing I'm about to Okay. So, so I
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: had a good friend of mine who's been on the
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: show Katie, like really good friends, and Marissa asked me
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: to hang out the week I got back from Vegas.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: And originally I was like, I think so, like it's
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: going to depend on work, and then it sort of
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: became a thing where I was like anxious about it
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: because I was like I really should say no. Like
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: I really should say no, I am stressed. I have
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: all this stuff to do. I should say no. But
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: as you also know, I've been struggling with like I
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: don't like the idea of always putting work first. This
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: is something I do a lot. But anyway, I always
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: give myself like, once this date comes, I'll be done
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: with this. Right, once this comes, I'll be done with this,
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: and then it never ends. But but so they were
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: kind of like trying to just nail down hey, like
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: what are we doing?
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: Are we hanging out with you or are we hanging out?
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: What are we doing?
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: And I said kind of like a text message version
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: of a meltdown where I just did what I just did,
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: I did via tech for us, like I have to
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: do this, and I have to do this, and I
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: also have to do this, and on top of that,
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I have this and you know, they were friends, and
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: they were very much like Okay, that's a lot. And
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: then I felt bad. I felt so guilty and I
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: was like I'm sorry. I know, like I'm complaining about
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: going to Vegas and they were like no, no, no, don't
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: worry about it. And I like gave all these excuses
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: of like I'm so sorry. I just feel bad. I
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: feel bad, and it actually brought me to tears. I cried,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Oh no, and it was.
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  Speaker 2: That's what I was like.
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  Speaker 1: All I did was kind of, you know, maybe sloppily,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: but express a.
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  Speaker 4: Boundary with a lot of guilt and sorry.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, And it just made me think because it
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: has been a struggle. It has been a struggle for
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: me throughout this whole pandemic, like throughout my whole life,
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: but like in the pandemic, that was sort of the thing.
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  Speaker 1: I was like, well, I'm not going out anymore, shouldn't
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  Speaker 1: this not be a problem anymore? Like it's still there,
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: and so this was like an instance of me trying
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: to do it and I felt so bad that I cried.
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: After I get to the point that I'm very stressed
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: out and in the end, I would rather spend quality
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: time instead of time that I'm freaking out trying to
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: plan my next move and trying to get past it,
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  Speaker 3: like literally just checking it off instead of spending quality time.
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  Speaker 3: And if I'm stressed, if I'm thinking about the next moves,
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: if I'm double booked, or if I'm trying to get
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: onto the next thing, I'm not spending quality time, and
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  Speaker 3: it does.
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  Speaker 4: It kind of comes down to a breakdown. You're like,
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  Speaker 4: this is not worth it is.
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  Speaker 3: I want to see you, but I don't feel like
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  Speaker 3: I'm actually seeing you, right.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: And you know, that's something we've talked about before. Situations
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: can vary, certainly, but a lot of times people at
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  Speaker 2: least when I what the things I'm thinking of, they
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: were fine with me being like I can't do it right.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: Now, like they were not, I hope, unless they're like
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: seething secretly, like not like oh this girl, i'mbout behind
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: the back.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, I mean, and it can sound the thing.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: The thing also is, though I think it's hard for
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: me to express the one. Our schedules are not always
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: predictable in our job, So it's like I can't tell
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: you for sure right like maybe that day will be fine,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: but I'm not sure, which is not a great answer,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Like I get that.
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  Speaker 2: But also.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Sometimes especially on like days when we've been recording all day,
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: I can't just go from that to hanging out right.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: I need like at least an hour to to kind
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: of come down from it. Like I said, I get
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: nervous doing this. Still, it's still kind of a thing
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: that it's like my brain switches into a different mode.
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  Speaker 1: So I don't want to like leave that and go
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: right way to hanging out right.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: I thought about this the other day. Because we do
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: work from home, it doesn't look like we're working that hard,
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: I think, right, because I'm literally just in my guest
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: room office all day long, and I'm kind of peddling
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: about listening to music but still working. And then when
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: I'm done, I leave it. But it looks like that
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: I'm just doing the same thing again, So I feel
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: guilty that I'm not doing something else, even though I'm like, no,
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: but I have worked.
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: I've been working.
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: It's been work, even though I'm sitting at the computer
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: and I'm not left my house and yes, I'm still
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: in pajamas.
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: Maybe I haven't brushed my hair. I have been working,
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: you know.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: And it it feels like a whole different tone of
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: trying to show that that they may have been hard,
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: even though what it seems like on papers we're staring
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: at each other through a webcam recording like that's what you.
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: Know, what I mean, whole different conversation.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: And then when we come with like the anxiety of
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: the performances that we have to have because essentially speaking
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: and being published as a performance in itself, that gives
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: me a lot of anxiety. Having this book coming out
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: gives me a lot of anxiety. Talking about trying to
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: produce and read off a book that you wrote in
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: front of people you've never met in a studio you've
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: never been to makes me anxious. And even though it's
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: a couple of weeks away, I'm freaking out like that
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: all that stuff, and so coming into company, if you
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: don't understand what I'm saying, this is your You're gonna
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: be like, why why are you here?
• 11:45
  Speaker 4: Then?
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: Right? Right? I mean, that's true, that's true.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: It's such an interesting like juxtaphysician as well of like
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: we've talked about this before where I want to be
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: invited to things and when people tell me they went
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: to face and I'm like, oh, but also I probably
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: wouldn't have.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Been in the company, probably didn't want to go.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: I get the comment more so than anytime is more like, oh,
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: I didn't actually think you would come, like the class that.
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: I actually showed up.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And I think that's part of it too,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: of trying to because we do kind of mostly work
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: from home on our laptops on whatever device in pj's
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: and I feel like I at least have part of
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: this is my own doing, because I have said a
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: true statement, which is I'm pretty flexible because we're lucky
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: that our jobs in a lot of way, a lot
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: of ways is pretty flexible, and that I have I
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: feel like I have let get out of hand like
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I they are flexible, but I do have like work
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: to do, and I think that I guess what I'm
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: saying is this is not because I read a lot
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: of articles about boundaries for this episode, and a lot
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: of it was like people not listening to your boundaries,
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: which is sometimes what is happening, But a lot of
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: times it's it's me that has partly been like, hey, no,
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: I can hang out. I can hang out when I'm
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: in a good mood. I'm like, oh yeah, absolutely.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: And then like later several hours later, I'm like why
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: did you say?
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: The quick change like how do I get down this now?
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: And then I feel too guilty to get out of it,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: which again a lot of people don't care.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: They really don't care.
• 13:47
  Speaker 4: I mean it's constant they do care. But it was
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: like going through. Uh, for sure.
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that's that's the big conversation is I've
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: got I've gotten to the place and maybe it's because
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: I'm getting into my mid forties and I'm like I
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: don't care anymore that I'm like, yeah, I'm just gonna
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: say no, or I'm just not going to say anything
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: until the last minute so I don't have to commit
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: to you. And I don't feel bad about it because
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm just going to stay home unless it's
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: like I will never say no to someone in crisis.
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: I will never even if it's like feels heavy and
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: I'm like I don't want to deal with this today,
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: I will never say no. But if it's not a
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: crisis and we're just hanging out, and even though I
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: do want to hang out with you, if that means
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: extra effort that I don't want to put in, I'm
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: probably gonna say no and be okay with it.
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which is good. I think that's a good place
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: to be.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Uh, you're also really good at like, well they would
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: show up for me, I'll show it for them.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're good at that too.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: That I feel like we have to support, like it it's.
• 14:43
  Speaker 4: A give and take.
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: I am very dependable in that way. If you've been there,
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: I'll be there. Mm hmmm, yeah, well noted, thank you.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Yes, I guess this was the first time I felt
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: such I felt guilt before, but like I've made strides,
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: but clearly I'm still It's difficult, right, It's difficult, And
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: I did find some quotes about it. So here's one.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: For many people, guilt is a default emotion. No matter
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: what you do or what you say, you'll be faced
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: with guilt about the way you handled the situation, and
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: that isn't fair or accurate. Barelli is said to combat
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: the guilt you may feel after setting boundaries, figure out
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: if you're someone who's default is feeling guilty after tough situations,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: which I think is a good point, like if so
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: much of this is kind of internal of like maybe
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: someone isn't making you feel guilty. Maybe they are, but
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: maybe they're not, and you just feel guilty. That's something
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: to examine something else else. So this is heavily related
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: to our people Pleasers episode that we did, So here's
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: another quote. A boundary setting is going to be particularly
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: tough for those who are people pleasers, or if you're
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: self worth tends to come from meeting the needs of
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: other people, and I think that is something that I have. Yes,
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: And the quote goes on for people who fall into
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: this category and may be hard not to think in extremes,
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: which could include, is this person still going to want
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: to be friends with me after I set a boundary?
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: Really added And this could even bring up concerns like
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: maybe the relationship only works because I elevate someone else's
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: needs all the time, she said, And in the case
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: of boundaries, you're doing the opposite of prioritizing someone else's needs.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: You're making your needs the priority and leaving a loved
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: one's needs unmet. So I feel like this for me,
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: this is definitely and we've talked about this too, of like, oh,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: they'll never hang out with me again if I say no,
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Like what will I do? But also a lot of
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: the conversations we've had around women and selflessness and entertaining
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: and putting other people first and all of those things
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: I know, and like when we did our therapy episodes,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: I talked about it in there where I was like,
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm performing and I just need to
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: make everyone else happy. And so it's always putting other
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: people first. But then like when you set a boundary
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: and quote put yourself first, it feels wrong. It feels
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: bad just because that's how I've been conditioned. At least,
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: it feels like selfish to do it. Yeah. I also
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: found another article about it, saying it's sort of a
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: trauma matter of safety thing of like you feel like
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: you can't say no when people ask you to do things,
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: or in the inverse of like you have to say
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: no because you're afraid of what will happen if you
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: do say yes, which is what I've kind of been
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: talking about with dating, which is why I always felt
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: like I shouldn't date because I won't be able to
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: say no to anything.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: But on the like friendship.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Side of like the hanging out side, I've always felt
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: like I have to say yes. And then they also
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: brought up the point women afraid rightfully, I would say,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: of being called a bitch of you know, you set
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: up your boundaries and they're like, yeah, you bitch.
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: Well, we talked about this in our Religious Trauma episode
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: Women like the constant to command. Constant command to women
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: is to be selfless, and I feel like this is
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: the way we've really gone wrong because anything else outside
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: of that is selfish. There's no in between, and I
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: think that's growing up religiously. That's what I believe too,
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: Like I have to give everything of myself to be
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: grateful and to show that I am grateful and that
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: I am a godly woman, never saying no. And it
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: kind of was expected to that in that marriages and
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: sex in itself, that women can't say no to their husband, like,
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: it goes a long way. And I think with trauma
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: added to that, absolutely all about is like, uh, how
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: can we say no if someone needs something? And if
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: we say no, that means we are being selfish, unraring
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: and unkind right, maybe we'll go.
• 19:24
  Speaker 4: To hell every time?
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: Every time? Yeah?
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So I feel like this was a definitely some
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: steps forward, but also do you know, more time introspection. Again,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: my friends did not make me feel guilty. I just
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: want to figure about that. It was just me, right, So.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: I got something else to think about, But I did
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: want to bring it up. I did want to revisit it.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: The articles I was quoting from are was one a
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: huff Post article called setting Boundaries without Guilt, and then
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: a Medium article is guilt holding you back from set boundaries.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Guilt resiliency is the answer which I didn't really get into,
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: but they were talking about, like how just to become
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: real resilient to guilt. Yeah, so hopefully, hopefully to those listening,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: you are working on those boundaries. You've got good boundaries.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: You're taking time off, but you can when you want to.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: But yeah, if you have any thoughts about this, please
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: let us know. You can email us at Stephania Mom
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: Steph at iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us on
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: Twitter at most stuff Podcasts, or on Instagram and TikTok
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: at Steffan' never Told You. You can also fund us
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: on YouTube. And yes, we do have a book coming out.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: You can pre order it at stuff you Should read
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Books dot com. Thanks it's always to our super producer Christina,
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: our executive producer Maya, and our contributor Joey. Thank you,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening. Stephan Never Told You.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Disprection of iHeartRadio. For more podcast from my heart Radio,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: you can check out the iHeart Radio app Apple podcast
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your Bavish