Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #578 Nailed It! AKA Random Parenting Chats With the Builder

Transcript

#578 Nailed It! AKA Random Parenting Chats With the Builder · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers now.
0:10
Speaker 2: At twelve year at the moment, she's driving us up
0:12
Speaker 2: the wall. She's the fifth one. We should know how
0:15
Speaker 2: to deal with the twelve year old that drives up
0:17
Speaker 2: the wall. But now, but no matter how much we
0:18
Speaker 2: go through this, it still is challenging.
0:21
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:24
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:25
Speaker 2: Gooda. This is doctor Justin Colson with a special guest
0:28
Speaker 2: in the Happy Families podcast studio. Today, I'm having a
0:32
Speaker 2: random conversation with the guy who's doing some renovations on
0:36
Speaker 2: our bathroom. His name is Carl, and Carl starts telling
0:40
Speaker 2: me that he was looking for a podcast to listen to.
0:43
Speaker 2: Wanted to figure out what he could do about his
0:46
Speaker 2: fifteen year old who's giving him some grief, and started
0:49
Speaker 2: googling and searching in Spotify for a podcast about pairing,
0:52
Speaker 2: and then realized that he was doing some work for
0:54
Speaker 2: a guy who writes books about it. And so Carl
0:58
Speaker 2: found my name in Spotify, and instead of listening to
1:01
Speaker 2: the Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families podcast, he found an
1:04
Speaker 2: interview that I did with a Fatherhood podcast about a
1:07
Speaker 2: year ago on discipline and punishment. So he's telling me
1:11
Speaker 2: this story, and I thought, instead of talking with Kylie
1:14
Speaker 2: today about the topic we were going to discuss, it
1:17
Speaker 2: would be fun to talk to Carl about what he's
1:20
Speaker 2: learning about discipline and punishment and the challenge that it
1:23
Speaker 2: is of raising kids who have their own agendas and
1:26
Speaker 2: don't want to do what mum and dad say. So, Carl,
1:29
Speaker 2: welcome to the Happy Families podcast that you've never listened
1:31
Speaker 2: to before.
1:32
Speaker 3: Thank you great to be here.
1:35
Speaker 2: Karl sitting in the seat opposite me looking like he's
1:38
Speaker 2: so scared that he might just do.
1:40
Speaker 3: A little week.
1:41
Speaker 2: I don't know if I should have said that or not. Anyway, So, Carl,
1:44
Speaker 2: my first podcast, So tell us a bit about your
1:46
Speaker 2: family before we dive into the serious problem solving that
1:49
Speaker 2: we need to do.
1:51
Speaker 3: So. Married for twenty better around twenty years. Four children.
1:56
Speaker 3: We had four children under five years old at the start,
2:01
Speaker 3: so we had kids very quickly. Yeah, and we've not
2:04
Speaker 3: had any kids since then, so we've got still got
2:06
Speaker 3: four kids.
2:06
Speaker 2: Okay. And something that stunned me when I was having
2:09
Speaker 2: a chat with you, because you're a picture of health.
2:11
Speaker 2: I actually went to swat you in the stomach and
2:14
Speaker 2: I almost hurt my hand it was so rock hard.
2:16
Speaker 2: But you're a cancer survivor.
2:17
Speaker 3: Yes, true, I had. I had stage three slash stage
2:22
Speaker 3: four lymphoma and five months of chemotherapy like high dose chemotherapy.
2:28
Speaker 3: It's called dose adjusted EPOCH for those that know the
2:32
Speaker 3: technical terms. And I was in hospital for quite a
2:36
Speaker 3: while and then or maybe three four weeks in hospital,
2:39
Speaker 3: and then I was able to go home and just
2:40
Speaker 3: come in for chemotherapy treatments from time to time. And
2:43
Speaker 3: you go, you go three three weeks stages of chemotherapy.
2:46
Speaker 2: So when you get a stage three slash stage four
2:49
Speaker 2: diagnosis of lymphoma, prognosis is poor. There's no such things.
2:52
Speaker 3: As yeah, I was given a prognosis of fifty to
2:56
Speaker 3: fifty chants of living two years.
2:58
Speaker 2: Wow.
2:59
Speaker 3: Anything beyond that, you're doing well?
3:01
Speaker 2: So how long ago was that?
3:03
Speaker 3: That would be three to four years ago? Now, okay, yeah,
3:07
Speaker 3: so I'm doing well as far as things go, or.
3:10
Speaker 2: Basically I'm stilling your abs.
3:11
Speaker 3: Are you doing I'm doing really well? Yeah? So so yeah,
3:15
Speaker 3: thanks be to the heavens above. Wow.
3:17
Speaker 2: So Carl, let's talk about this challenge with one of
3:20
Speaker 2: your kids fifteen years old. They're all obviously clumped pretty
3:23
Speaker 2: closely together. Is this your eldest?
3:26
Speaker 3: Oh, this is my third?
3:28
Speaker 2: Okay, right, so you've been through.
3:29
Speaker 3: So they're all teenagers now, they're eighteen to thirteen. Now
3:33
Speaker 3: I've got that five year span. So the youngest is
3:35
Speaker 3: thirteen and the oldest is eighteen.
3:36
Speaker 2: And dealing with challenging teens therefore is not new to you.
3:40
Speaker 2: You've had I've had two. I've been through two that
3:43
Speaker 2: have now seventeen eighteen. So they've been through this stage.
3:46
Speaker 2: Even though you've been there, it's still hard. Yes, Like
3:49
Speaker 2: and Kylie and I have this all the time. We've
3:50
Speaker 2: got six kids. But even though we're dealing with like
3:53
Speaker 2: a twelve year at the moment, she's driving us up
3:56
Speaker 2: the wall. Yep, but we've done this. She's the fifth one.
3:59
Speaker 2: We shouldn't had to deal with the twelve year old
4:01
Speaker 2: that drives up the wall. But now but absolutely doing
4:03
Speaker 2: our head In fact, the text message that you sent
4:05
Speaker 2: me on your way to do this bathroom today was
4:08
Speaker 2: my fifteen year old is doing my head in at
4:10
Speaker 2: the moment, no matter how end quote and yeah, no
4:12
Speaker 2: matter how much we go through this it still is challenging.
4:16
Speaker 2: Let's see the scenario yesterday.
4:18
Speaker 3: So yesterday, my fifteen year old refused to go to school.
4:23
Speaker 2: Is this a normal thing?
4:24
Speaker 3: Time to time? It's shocky kids don't want to go
4:26
Speaker 3: to school in.
4:26
Speaker 2: The same way that some adults sometimes don't want to.
4:28
Speaker 3: Go to Well, I want to go to work. Yeah, that's right.
4:30
Speaker 3: So he refused to go to school even though he
4:32
Speaker 3: wasn't sick.
4:32
Speaker 2: But it's not like it's part of a recurring pattern
4:34
Speaker 2: with high levels of anxiety and school refused along that
4:37
Speaker 2: kind of thing.
4:37
Speaker 3: It's no, not generally. I mean, every kid's different and
4:40
Speaker 3: has their different you know, rejection of things or rebellion.
4:45
Speaker 3: But you know, nothing unusual. Just kid, you know, doesn't
4:47
Speaker 3: want to go to school, might be have an exam
4:49
Speaker 3: on or something, or doesn't have many friends you'd like
4:51
Speaker 3: or whatever. You know, normal typical teenage stuff. Nothing unusual. Yep.
4:55
Speaker 3: So refuse to go to school. My wife therefore has
4:58
Speaker 3: to manage him at home the whole day. But you're
5:00
Speaker 3: at work because I'm at work, and she's she's mum,
5:02
Speaker 3: wife's stay at home mum. So by the end of
5:05
Speaker 3: the day, my wife's had enough of him because he's
5:07
Speaker 3: been home all day. She's got to fight him off YouTube,
5:09
Speaker 3: she's got to fight him off his device. So she's
5:11
Speaker 3: got to fight him off his because she doesn't want
5:12
Speaker 3: to reward him wile he's staying over fro school. I're
5:14
Speaker 3: going to stay from school. You need to go to sleep.
5:15
Speaker 3: Then if you're sick, you need to do this or that.
5:17
Speaker 2: So she's haid, let's just pause on that for a
5:19
Speaker 2: sec though, because he's not sick, and he's not pretending
5:21
Speaker 2: to he sick. He just doesn't want to go to school.
5:22
Speaker 3: He did have a sleep, they didn't notice he fell
5:24
Speaker 3: asleep for a little while. But he's not sick enough
5:26
Speaker 3: that he should have stayed home from school.
5:27
Speaker 2: Sure, but there's this concept that a lot of parents
5:31
Speaker 2: will really stick to. And your wife's done this where
5:33
Speaker 2: she said, well, I don't want staying at home to
5:35
Speaker 2: become so positive, such a good experience that you're going
5:37
Speaker 2: to want to do this all the time. Because you're
5:39
Speaker 2: only fifteen. You're supposed to be at school, and if
5:40
Speaker 2: you're having a good time at home today, you might
5:42
Speaker 2: want to do it again. They were going to have
5:43
Speaker 2: a big problem. Absolutely, I'm going to jump in before
5:46
Speaker 2: you tell me the rest of the scenario and suggest
5:48
Speaker 2: that for the most part that fear is unfounded. Which
5:52
Speaker 2: fear the fear that we're going to be rewarding our child.
5:55
Speaker 2: Oh if our childs are allowed to stay at home
5:57
Speaker 2: and have fun for a day.
5:58
Speaker 3: Yeah.
5:58
Speaker 2: In fact, I really encourage parents to let their kids
6:00
Speaker 2: have a mental health day every now and again. Teachers
6:02
Speaker 2: hate me for saying it, but every now and again,
6:06
Speaker 2: I'll call this a mental health day.
6:07
Speaker 3: Yeah.
6:08
Speaker 2: But obviously your wife didn't feel quite the same way.
6:10
Speaker 2: She was like, he can't have a good day today,
6:11
Speaker 2: he has to have a horrible day. He has to
6:13
Speaker 2: stay in bed.
6:14
Speaker 3: I wouldn't not necessarily, like I inverted commas a horrible day,
6:17
Speaker 3: but I guess she didn't want him feeling like this
6:21
Speaker 3: was like a necessarily like repeatable, appropriate way to behave
6:26
Speaker 3: when you should should be at school. Yeah. So, but
6:29
Speaker 3: now that you've made your point, you're enlightening me in
6:32
Speaker 3: saying that, and that's probably a good way to put
6:34
Speaker 3: this would be a mental health day, yeah for him.
6:37
Speaker 2: And if you actually call it a treat, then all
6:39
Speaker 2: of a sudden, your child's not going well. I need
6:41
Speaker 2: a treat every day because you don't get treats every day.
6:43
Speaker 2: You have treats every so often. True, and it feels
6:45
Speaker 2: true a little bit different.
6:46
Speaker 3: And as a person myself, as an adult and known
6:49
Speaker 3: through what I've been through, I need mental health days,
6:52
Speaker 3: you know, from work or from.
6:54
Speaker 2: Whatever you're involved fifteen year olds.
6:55
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you need from fifteen year olds whatever. So
6:58
Speaker 3: I think we all need that, and it's good that
7:00
Speaker 3: mental health is becoming a non taboo topic these days.
7:03
Speaker 2: Okay, So we moved to afternoon, You get home and
7:08
Speaker 2: what happens?
7:09
Speaker 3: Okay, So I didn't come home. I finished work, and
7:12
Speaker 3: my wife said, the boys have basketball at ten past
7:15
Speaker 3: five at the basketball stadium. So Josh wants to play Josh,
7:21
Speaker 3: I've named him now, sorry sorry Josh. And my wife says,
7:24
Speaker 3: but I don't want to take him because I don't
7:27
Speaker 3: want to reward him with a cookie after he's stayed
7:30
Speaker 3: home all day and he should have gone to school,
7:32
Speaker 3: and he's gone against my wishes. So I don't want
7:35
Speaker 3: to reward him with basketball.
7:38
Speaker 2: Right then, it was my.
7:39
Speaker 3: Turn to have the conversation.
7:40
Speaker 2: After the break. We're going to find out what the
7:42
Speaker 2: right thing to do is when your child have the
7:44
Speaker 2: day off and then wants to go and play basketball
7:46
Speaker 2: because he's not sick. The unhealthy, unhelpful boy code that
7:54
Speaker 2: is rampant, and our children's school and social environments encourages
7:58
Speaker 2: some persistent and dangerous idea is about what it means
8:01
Speaker 2: to be mailed. But the Building Better Boys webinar is
8:04
Speaker 2: here to help unpack these cultural ideas and help guide
8:07
Speaker 2: our boys to be brilliant, beautiful, and even better. Building
8:12
Speaker 2: Better Boys is available today online at Happy Families dot
8:15
Speaker 2: com dot au. It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast
8:18
Speaker 2: for the typepod parent who just wants answers now, So
8:21
Speaker 2: let's get some answers. What happened, Carl when your wife said,
8:25
Speaker 2: I don't want him to go and have fun tonight
8:27
Speaker 2: because he had the day off school and he wasn't sick,
8:29
Speaker 2: so therefore he should have been at school. I don't
8:31
Speaker 2: want to reward him. How did that play out?
8:33
Speaker 3: I understood where my wife was coming from. She's annoyed,
8:36
Speaker 3: she's tired, she's had enough of him. He's done her
8:38
Speaker 3: head in for the day, so she's had enough, she's
8:40
Speaker 3: had a gutful. So I hadn't I'd been at work
8:43
Speaker 3: all day, so I hadn't been dealing with him constantly,
8:45
Speaker 3: so I had a bit more energy and a bit
8:46
Speaker 3: more I guess emotional tolerance for him and where he
8:49
Speaker 3: was at. So I said to her, I really think
8:52
Speaker 3: he needs basketball because part of the reason he's refused
8:54
Speaker 3: to go to school is for whatever reason, right with
8:57
Speaker 3: mental health day, doesn't want to go for whatever reason.
9:00
Speaker 3: So I said, I think him playing basketball and actually
9:02
Speaker 3: help him want to go to school tomorrow because it's
9:03
Speaker 3: going to get the dope meine going. It's going to
9:05
Speaker 3: get the exercise happening, get the adrenaline rolling. He's going
9:08
Speaker 3: to feel good after the game, He's going to get tired,
9:10
Speaker 3: he'll sleep better, and he'll probably be more likely want
9:13
Speaker 3: to go to school tomorrow. So I said, look, I
9:16
Speaker 3: get where you're coming from. I don't want to give
9:18
Speaker 3: him the cookie either. I don't think he should be
9:19
Speaker 3: rewarded for bad behavior if we could consider this bad behavior,
9:22
Speaker 3: but it may not have been bad behavior, might have
9:23
Speaker 3: just been the mental health day. And so I said,
9:25
Speaker 3: I think we should take him to basketball and let
9:27
Speaker 3: him play. And he did. So he played basketball.
9:30
Speaker 2: Did he have a cracking game because he was well rested.
9:32
Speaker 3: I think he did pretty good.
9:33
Speaker 2: So what happens after basketball? So after basketball we go
9:36
Speaker 2: to KFC and so now the punishment kicks in.
9:41
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, saturate of fats. So after dinner we had
9:44
Speaker 3: our family discussion which revolved around some different topics. But
9:49
Speaker 3: I actually walked out. So my son was doing my
9:53
Speaker 3: head in after KFC and we had a family discussion
9:56
Speaker 3: after dinner, and I got frustrated with him about the
10:00
Speaker 3: discussion we were having, and I stormed off like I
10:04
Speaker 3: would not storm off, Like, so you've.
10:06
Speaker 2: Gone from being the patient dad, Yes, afterwards, because you've
10:09
Speaker 2: got all that energy. Now he's fatigued me. Yeah, And
10:11
Speaker 2: this is the thing with teenager. In fact, this is
10:13
Speaker 2: the thing with arguments. Generally, the person with the highest
10:16
Speaker 2: energy will usually win. Now that's not a very scientific
10:20
Speaker 2: sort of way of doing it, but we can look
10:22
Speaker 2: at energy in a couple of different ways. We can
10:24
Speaker 2: look at energy from a high capacity, like as in
10:27
Speaker 2: I'm explosive. In other words, if I dominate you with
10:30
Speaker 2: my really big energy and I'm getting super mad at things,
10:33
Speaker 2: my higher energy, my bigger size, whatever it is, I
10:36
Speaker 2: can absolutely win because big energy wins. But I can
10:41
Speaker 2: also win as a fifteen year old up against dad
10:44
Speaker 2: wearing him down by just incessantly But what about?
10:48
Speaker 3: But what about?
10:49
Speaker 2: But that's unfair.
10:49
Speaker 3: But this but which is kind of what happened in
10:51
Speaker 3: the morning, which is pretty much was the conversation after dinner.
10:54
Speaker 3: This is unfair what you asked me to do, you know,
10:56
Speaker 3: a conversation around technology use and using your iPhone and stuff.
11:00
Speaker 3: So the conversation wore me down because he wouldn't agree
11:03
Speaker 3: with our what we're asking of their technology use. And
11:08
Speaker 3: after like I don't know, half an hour, I was like,
11:10
Speaker 3: I'm done. I just gone up. I just gone up
11:11
Speaker 3: and walked to my car. And I felt wrong walking
11:14
Speaker 3: to my car. I did feel I was doing the
11:16
Speaker 3: wrong thing, right, Like I felt like I was taking
11:19
Speaker 3: my bat and ball and going home. Ah, okay, a little.
11:22
Speaker 2: Bit is that because you felt like you just need
11:24
Speaker 2: to get a solution.
11:25
Speaker 3: I'm not sure why I felt I was doing the
11:27
Speaker 3: wrong thing, but I felt I could have handled the
11:29
Speaker 3: situation better son then just getting up and walking off.
11:34
Speaker 3: So the real question didn't say anything. I just left.
11:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, and we've only got a couple of minutes to
11:37
Speaker 2: wrap this up, and we do need to get some answers.
11:39
Speaker 2: So there are probably three questions that we need to
11:41
Speaker 2: be able to resolve here for any parent who's going
11:43
Speaker 2: through this ongoing tension, conflict and fussing this that we
11:48
Speaker 2: have with kids who are digging in rather than hearing
11:51
Speaker 2: what we've got to say. The first one, you've used
11:53
Speaker 2: the term bad behavior a couple of times. Is he
11:55
Speaker 2: behaving badly? So we need to we need to just
11:58
Speaker 2: address that. The second one that we need to address
12:00
Speaker 2: Carl is is it appropriate to allow him to go
12:05
Speaker 2: and play basketball when he's had a day off even
12:07
Speaker 2: though having a day off was against your wishes? And
12:09
Speaker 2: the third issue is can dad walk away? Is it
12:12
Speaker 2: okay for a parent to walk away when a conversation
12:15
Speaker 2: is not going anywhere? Does that make it so that
12:17
Speaker 2: the kid has won? So that the child walks away
12:20
Speaker 2: thinking all I have to do is be belligerent, All
12:22
Speaker 2: I have to do is be persistent. All I've got
12:24
Speaker 2: to do is have more fortitude than my parents, and
12:25
Speaker 2: I can win and get whatever I want. I can
12:27
Speaker 2: have my way to answer these questions, the first thing
12:30
Speaker 2: that we have to work out is what is our philosophy?
12:33
Speaker 2: What is our foundation or belief about our children's character?
12:37
Speaker 2: Are our children out, especially our teenagers. Are they abut
12:40
Speaker 2: to put one over us? Or do they actually want
12:42
Speaker 2: to do the right thing? Do they want to grow
12:44
Speaker 2: and learn and develop in positive ways and have good
12:46
Speaker 2: relationships with us? What's your underlying philosophy?
12:49
Speaker 3: I think definitely. My son's not belligerent and wants to
12:53
Speaker 3: be a bad person right a one hundred percent. He's
12:56
Speaker 3: in that stage where he's having difficulty finding out how
12:59
Speaker 3: to achieve that. Of course, our other two children we've
13:01
Speaker 3: been through the same stage. Obviously a little bit different
13:04
Speaker 3: because all kids are different, but we've had this same
13:06
Speaker 3: twelve months of difficulty with our first son where it
13:10
Speaker 3: was just a virtually unbearable and then with our daughter,
13:13
Speaker 3: same thing. Oh man, like twelve months of virchu do unbearable.
13:15
Speaker 3: But then they come up the other side and they're fantastic, fantastic.
13:19
Speaker 3: So now this and so my child, So this fifteen
13:20
Speaker 3: year old is in right in the middle of it
13:22
Speaker 3: right now.
13:22
Speaker 2: And the critical thing here that you've highlighted is what
13:24
Speaker 2: research shows as well, and that is that our children
13:26
Speaker 2: are not out to get us. Absolutely a children who's
13:28
Speaker 2: a good kid, they're not only they're good kids, but
13:31
Speaker 2: they want good relationships. They want but they also the
13:35
Speaker 2: word that I always use is that they're really clumsy
13:37
Speaker 2: in the way they try to achieve their ends because
13:39
Speaker 2: they kind of well, they just don't think things through
13:41
Speaker 2: too well.
13:42
Speaker 3: And he wants to be loved. Children want to be loved.
13:44
Speaker 3: They want to be accepted and loved, and.
13:46
Speaker 2: So they want to be able to make their own choices.
13:48
Speaker 3: But sometimes the way they go around getting that love
13:51
Speaker 3: is not the way we would like them to go
13:53
Speaker 3: about it.
13:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, they want that autonomy. The second thing is is
13:55
Speaker 2: it okay to reward them with the night out of
13:57
Speaker 2: basketball when they've had a day off and they shouldn't
13:59
Speaker 2: have had it. And I believe that the two things
14:03
Speaker 2: are essentially unrelated. Basketball has got nothing to do with school.
14:06
Speaker 2: Not wanting to go to school is for a mental
14:09
Speaker 2: health day, or because there's friendship challenges, because there's abcd
14:12
Speaker 2: ORF happening, or all of those happening, and therefore your
14:16
Speaker 2: child's saying I just don't think I can face it today.
14:18
Speaker 2: But basketball is for him an outlet. It's an opportunity
14:22
Speaker 2: to be social, it's an opportunity to be active, and
14:24
Speaker 2: this is probably what he needs more than anything big
14:27
Speaker 2: tick for Carl, Thank you look at that now. The
14:30
Speaker 2: third question is do you walk away when the discussion
14:32
Speaker 2: later on, as you try to talk things through if
14:34
Speaker 2: it's not going anywhere, do you try to walk away
14:37
Speaker 2: or do you walk away or do you try to
14:38
Speaker 2: get to a solution. The biggest problem that parents have
14:41
Speaker 2: when they're dealing with children who are being fussy, challenging, difficult, whatever,
14:47
Speaker 2: is that we feel like it's our job. Our ego
14:50
Speaker 2: gets in the way and we feel like we need
14:52
Speaker 2: to fix the situation and we need to fix our child,
14:55
Speaker 2: and so we stay in a conversation that is not
14:58
Speaker 2: going anywhere. As we do that, there's a phrase that
15:02
Speaker 2: I use all the time. High emotions, low intelligence. We
15:05
Speaker 2: become more emotional, and so do they. Intelligence goes out
15:08
Speaker 2: the window. We start acting with the lower part of
15:10
Speaker 2: our brain rather than the prefrontal cortex, the thinking part
15:13
Speaker 2: of our brain. And in the end, people get offended.
15:16
Speaker 2: People get upset, People say things that they don't mean
15:17
Speaker 2: because in the moment they think that they're right, and
15:19
Speaker 2: later on they think, oh, my goodness, I can't believe
15:21
Speaker 2: that I said that the best thing we can do
15:24
Speaker 2: is to walk away and say this isn't finished, but
15:28
Speaker 2: this is also not productive right now. It's not good
15:30
Speaker 2: for our relationship to continue. We'll work it out when
15:33
Speaker 2: we've had a good night's sleep. Don't forget. I mean,
15:35
Speaker 2: he's just played a back game of basketball. It's the
15:38
Speaker 2: end of the day. You've been working all day. Everyone's tired.
15:41
Speaker 2: Relationships and emotions are strained anyway, that's not a good
15:45
Speaker 2: time to have a conversation. Fix it on the weekend,
15:47
Speaker 2: or fix it tomorrow morning, or just give them space
15:50
Speaker 2: so that they can tap back into the character that
15:52
Speaker 2: they have at their foundation. That is, I want to
15:55
Speaker 2: have good relationships with the people that I love if.
15:57
Speaker 3: I have my time over. I think what you're saying
15:59
Speaker 3: is right. I should have just said, hey, look this conversations,
16:02
Speaker 3: we're not really getting anywhere. We're agreeing to disagree at
16:04
Speaker 3: the moment. Let's just call the night and let's go home.
16:07
Speaker 3: If I'd ended on that note, rather than just walking
16:09
Speaker 3: out without saying a word, I think that would have
16:12
Speaker 3: been a better way to future. That probably why I
16:13
Speaker 3: felt a little bit like I felt a little bit
16:15
Speaker 3: I didn't handle the situation as good as I could have.
16:17
Speaker 3: I just think walking away is better than having a
16:19
Speaker 3: big blow up.
16:19
Speaker 2: But if you can walk away with those three most
16:22
Speaker 2: important words as well, this isn't going anywhere. We need
16:24
Speaker 2: to wrap it up. And then you say those three words,
16:26
Speaker 2: not I love you, it's the words that come after that,
16:29
Speaker 2: no matter what. So when you say to your kid,
16:31
Speaker 2: this isn't working, but I love you no matter what,
16:34
Speaker 2: and then you walk away, totally different scenario for curiosity's sake.
16:41
Speaker 2: The next day, which is today, how did he wake up?
16:45
Speaker 2: How was the family feeling so happy?
16:48
Speaker 3: Ending to the story, So my wife said to me
16:50
Speaker 3: this morning as I left for work, Josh's a different
16:53
Speaker 3: child today. He's ready for school early. He's in a
16:58
Speaker 3: good mood and he's ready and we're in to go
17:01
Speaker 3: to school. And so I thought that was fantastic. I
17:03
Speaker 3: thought we made the right decision. And my wife and
17:05
Speaker 3: I made a joint decision for it wasn't I didn't
17:06
Speaker 3: like override her to take into basketball and say you're
17:09
Speaker 3: being silly, you know, we just we spoke about it
17:12
Speaker 3: and we both agreed, yeah, the basketball would be a
17:14
Speaker 3: good thing to do. And it all worked out well.
17:16
Speaker 3: I think it helped him get in a good mental
17:18
Speaker 3: state for the next day.
17:20
Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
17:22
Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. That was fun.
17:26
Speaker 2: That was a bit random. I've never had a builder
17:27
Speaker 2: on the podcast before. If you'd like more IFO about
17:29
Speaker 2: making your family happy, please visit us at Happy families
17:32
Speaker 2: dot com dot IU. Tomorrow back with another big podcast,
17:37
Speaker 2: talking about embracing a sleep divorce. What happens when couples
17:43
Speaker 2: decide to sleep in separate beds? Are there, risks, are there? Rewards?
17:48
Speaker 2: And then on Thursday it's book Club