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The Gunslingers Tavern-Expansion on Rapes in the Military · Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk

• 0:17
  Try to listen to me. You're keeping us.
• 0:23
  Alive. Now don't forget about that one.
• 0:24
  And you keep them coming in. You're doing well, son.
• 0:26
  Find us on the web at MB Radio. Dot US want to make it clear
• 0:28
  that the views expressed by our hosts are not considered the
• 0:31
  official stance of MBR views. Remember, this is all about
• 0:35
  having fun and enjoying the ride.
• 0:39
  Welcome to Gunslingers Tavern. I'm Audrey McHugh.
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  I'm a bisexual open woman that served in the military brown
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  water Navy. Shout out to my Airedales One in
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  three veterans experience military sexual.
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  Trauma. Here we use whiskey for good and
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  talk about all different events that affect veterans and how we
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  can do better to make sure that no one has to release their
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  burden of rape at these gates anymore and ensure that veterans
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  lives are advocated and lived for.
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  Hey guys, welcome to Gunslingers Tavern.
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  I have the honored pleasure of introducing Rachel.
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  Is it Rachel? Rachel, So fun story.
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  My dad is from Jamaica, and so they put the emphasis on both
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  syllables there. So, Rachel, yeah.
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  Rachel Smith and we'll be slinging some questions and as
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  usual, I'm slinging some drinks cause what sailor doesn't.
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  And so let's just let's just jump right into it.
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  So you and I both experienced what I call our crimes in the
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  military. I don't like using the word
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  military sexual trauma at all. A lot of people don't know that
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  politicians came together in their little think group and
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  decided, well, how can we make this sound better rather than
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  recognizing what the crimes truly are?
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  And so I I looked over at your website and so there's some
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  things that we'll get into with that, but kind of want to ask
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  you about your military service. One, why did you serve your
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  country? What made you join?
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  And then we'll take it from. There.
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  Sure Well. It started pretty much before I
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  was born. My mom and she joined the Army
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  first. She commissioned into the Army
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  somewhat after finishing nursing school and she did a few years
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  there and was just like, yeah, OK you know.
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  And then a few years after that she she commissioned into the
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  Air Force. And then it became this like 20
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  year career that she just became the superhero pretty much in my
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  eyes and I just. Thought like, wow, she's.
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  Making a difference. And she's a nurse, she's
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  deploying, she's out there saving lives.
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  And I don't have the stomach for nursing, but I'm pretty good at
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  writing, so. I.
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  Majored in communications and ended up being a public affairs
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  officer. And I just kind of wanted to
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  continue carrying the torch. And do you have the same effect
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  on my younger brother? That's awesome.
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  So you sound like me. You came from a long line of
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  military, So what branch did you join?
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  The Air Force? Yeah, it was.
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  A no brainer. Kind of.
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  It was just like, well, that's what she did.
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  I'm going to do what she did. Well, there's.
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  Always a choice. It's called the Nathan, But
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  we're going to let you go with the Air Force.
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  Don't worry, Sis, I got you. Oh, so you're a public affairs
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  officer, so you had to do a lot with with this then?
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  I would say So. I guess what a lot of people
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  don't know is that Rob DeSantis, he was actually a Jag officer,
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  the Navy. He's now the governor and he
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  actually sexually assaulted and harassed women in college and in
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  the Navy. And besides being a racist, Can
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  you imagine having to go report crimes to this kind of man?
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  And So what a lot of people don't understand is that's very
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  common in the military. It's good old boy system.
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  And not to make it a gender thing, but were they really
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  protecting you and put, you know, perpetrators in different
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  places so that when things are reported, whether it's drug
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  trafficking, you know, sexualizing, abusing children or
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  raping military members, they have a plate to get away with it
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  at. So what was your experience in
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  doing that as your role as a PAO, and then your own
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  experience of military sexual trauma or whatever terminology
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  that you wish to call it? You know, oddly enough, my, my,
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  I think it was my very my second article as a public affairs one
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  was about sexual abuse and how it wasn't.
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  It had no place on our our base and my.
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  My first one was about marijuana and second one was about sexual
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  assault. And oddly enough, when I was in
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  ROTC, the guy that I was dating at the time, that was a big part
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  of our relationship. He was somebody that dealt drugs
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  unknown to me. He didn't do it anywhere near my
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  home, thank God, but he always smelt like it and stuff.
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  So I felt like I had this weird connection to those those first
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  two articles and I was thinking like, OK, maybe this is some
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  sort of sign that I get to right wrongs.
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  But then I went through it myself and I I just remember the
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  isolation of it and really not knowing who to turn to.
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  Like I had the the Sark office, of course, and my my SBC, the
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  Special Victims Counsel. But outside of that, as soon as
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  I opened my mouth and you know, like text message evidence and
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  like tried to basically, well, I don't think I was like trying to
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  take anybody down, but I had evidence that this is.
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  You were just trying to report a crime, that right?
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  Exactly and. I kind of feel like, you know,
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  they make us feel like it's our issue for reporting.
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  And absolutely I was in from 2004 to 2012.
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  So a lot of these Sarks and all, they didn't really exist when no
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  I was raped. And so it, you know, even as
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  this process has gone on, you have seen Sark officers that
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  have been threatened, threatened, bodily harm by other
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  officers and even enlisted personnel for just doing their
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  job or they're not actually doing their job.
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  So it is the retaliation of just reporting about.
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  Truth is, it's so profound. I know that my like jobs were
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  taken away from me out of when I was supposed to be in a Hilo.
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  I'm supposed to fly in a Hilo and do crypto loads there.
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  And so, you know, because I wouldn't sleep with this officer
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  and his wife being bisexual, he then grounded my superior
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  officer, which was the only female in this squadron to be
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  able to make sure that she didn't stick up for us.
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  So she was the only at this point, she was the best pilot in
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  that squadron, and they grounded her for actually trying to do
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  the right thing. So people think that, oh, it's
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  just easy to report. And I kind of want to, you know,
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  highlight one. It's extremely difficult to even
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  talk about this. Many people, you know, don't get
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  to where you and I are at, where we're able, even able to
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  verbalize what happened to us, let alone take the time to talk
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  about it so that other people can.
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  So where'd she go? All right.
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  Well, guys, well, wait. I thought, I don't know what
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  happened. Mazel tov, Welcome back me
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  there. So sorry about that.
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  Wow. But.
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  Anyway, you know, so you know, it takes a lot for us to say.
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  For me, I know it took 20 years for me to say the word rape.
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  I was raped over 10 times in the military and multiple different
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  people. So it wasn't just one.
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  I was almost murdered. So when people say I'm, you
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  know, I'm not sorry that it happened.
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  What I'm sorry about is that it continues to happen.
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  That's absolutely after me, that everything that I've been
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  through, there's still you, right?
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  And so that's where it hurts. It still hurts when somebody
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  comes and calls me and says, hey, I'm 19.
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  This just happened to me at 8:00 or or this just happened to me
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  in training or I just got to my first duty station and this
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  happened to me. And so all of those kind of
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  things have happened to me. And to see it continue after
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  we've been promised this big sweeping change, it's very, very
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  frustrating. And so I one, I just want to
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  say, I hear you. I see you.
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  I appreciate you. You're my sister in this, thank
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  you you are. And genuinely like, I appreciate
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  you taking the time to speak because so many of us have been
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  told that this doesn't exist. Yes, I know.
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  And it truly does. And what people don't
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  understand, it's a one in three issue.
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  It's a non gender issue. This happens to men as much as
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  it happens to women. We just speak out more and that
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  the frequency of men killing themselves are extremely higher
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  than us. But you have a 5050 chance of
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  killing yourself after this. And so I kind of like as you
• 10:27
  started to heal, I don't want you to disclose what used to
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  happen to you if you don't want to.
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  But kind of like it sounds like your command was not very
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  supportive of you reporting this and that's that's nothing new.
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  And so it's not I kind of like want to just hear some more of
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  your story and then like how long did it take you to get from
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  the point where the incident happened or incident.
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  And then if you want to disclose what happened your your details
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  like I want you to be able to share your truth as much as you
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  want to without me you know making you uncomfortable so or
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  floor shorts. Well, I could say.
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  Unfortunately, I I did experience an assault when I was
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  12, actually from 21 physician and like I guess they were the
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  chaperone when I was up in Alaska.
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  I don't know which duty station that was for my mom, probably
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  number four or three. But that happened and I was 12
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  and I didn't really have the words to explain what was going
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  on. And I I did tell my mom, but I
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  just didn't have any frame of reference to explain like I was
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  harmed. I mostly, I think I just said
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  what? Yeah.
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  Yeah, I I remember asking her like, why'd they do that to me?
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  Just knew something not right had happened right?
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  And didn't even know how to explain it, because you're not
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  supposed to know how to explain that.
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  So exactly. And actually I had pushed that
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  down for a long time and it wasn't until, gosh, I I don't
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  remember what year it was. But it was when a lot of the
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  gymnasts on the US team came forward about their, I think it
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  was their team doctor or coach that had and touching them
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  inappropriately, Yeah. And then, like just seeing that
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  newscast, it jogged something in the back of my head where I was
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  like. That happened to me.
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  I'm like, wait. A minute and then in college
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  with with that boyfriend. It was very much like your story
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  where there was numerous events and him trying to to kill me and
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  I I just remember like my senior year of college prior to us
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  dating, I had pretty much straight A's.
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  You know, I was on ROTC scholarship.
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  I was working hard and met him and all of a sudden I was
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  getting. CS and DS.
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  And like not being able to stay awake in class and.
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  All of these people. That I was pretty close with is
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  ROTC is just this kind of unique experience when you're in
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  college, so it really, really bonds people together.
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  And nobody wanted to ask. Like, I think they knew because
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  in the summertime when I did finally, like, break up with
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  this person and start to get away with him, that's when the
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  stalking started and the murder attempts and things like that.
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  And two other cadets in particular, really, like stood
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  up for me and tried to get him away from me.
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  And I got the cadre involved then.
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  But prior to that, when I was like, I I just a completely
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  different person. I was a shell of myself.
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  I wouldn't smile anymore. I was terrified of my own
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  shadow, like nobody wanted to say anything.
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  And then after that, when I commissioned.
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  So that was 2012. That someone could see something
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  is wrong and they they could clearly see that he was a
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  narcissist and that he was like literally isolating you.
• 14:38
  And you know basically basically it it says you're unmuted, you
• 14:49
  have to mute yourself. If the press the unmute button,
• 14:59
  you're good. Look, there's a button to
• 15:02
  unpress and mute. I'm going to kick you off and
• 15:12
  then come back in here. There you go.
• 15:19
  Default. You're good.
• 15:22
  I can hear you. I'm so sorry, I'm having some
• 15:25
  technical difficulties over here.
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  Pretty All good, All good. But well, guys, there we go.
• 15:37
  Air Force is having some difficulty today.
• 15:41
  I can't hear anything. It's can.
• 15:59
  You hear me now I can hear you. How is that?
• 16:05
  Is it working now? Yeah, I can hear you good.
• 16:11
  Can you hear me? Yeah, my mouse is turned up.
• 16:24
  Good. OK, is that working?
• 16:47
  Yeah, I can hear you, but you can't hear me.
• 16:53
  Here, let me text you. Let me see mute.
• 17:00
  Can you hear me now? Yeah, it's not.
• 17:04
  I can't hear you. Oh my goodness.
• 17:10
  All right, let me let me kick you out and then come back in.
• 17:18
  All right, guys. Well, that's horrible.
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  Hold on. Good.
• 17:30
  All right. Hopefully she can come back on,
• 17:35
  get our Air Force to to join back in.
• 17:41
  So guys, I guess while we're waiting, I want you to know it's
• 17:44
  really difficult for anyone to to speak about this and I
• 17:48
  appreciate her courage. Hi there.
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  How's that? All right.
• 17:52
  OK. All right, My goodness.
• 17:56
  Wow. So well, I think.
• 18:00
  What's going on? Well, yesterday there was this
• 18:05
  big storm system that came through and like all of my
• 18:10
  electronics have been kind of crazy for some reason and I'm
• 18:13
  just like, I unplugged everything, so I don't know why
• 18:15
  they're mad at me. I think what?
• 18:19
  You're talking about is that kind of like like, you know, I
• 18:24
  miss Miss Community. Really.
• 18:26
  Really reach out to you, reach out to you, and if your grades
• 18:30
  are going down, going down. Right somebody.
• 18:33
  'S there they'll be. I speak with a narcissist and
• 18:37
  you know they I mean they do target people will comma comma
• 18:45
  tension and and so I don't think that it made you prone that you
• 18:55
  have that you in the military that is right that is prone
• 18:59
  being thought but I think that I think that it made you.
• 19:03
  Oh yeah, yeah. I'd agree with that because when
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  I initially, when I commissioned, I think my date to
• 19:13
  to start was like a year in the future.
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  But because all of that was happening, it got changed around
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  and I got a different duty station.
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  But no joke, when I joined, I got there and processed.
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  I went by the protocol office because that was right next to
• 19:31
  where my office was in in headquarters.
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  And the boss of that office took one look at me and she was like,
• 19:38
  you're too pretty. And I was like and then she
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  basically was just like stay away from the pilots.
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  And I didn't really learn how to take that.
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  And I mean I I internalized it like, OK, like obviously I'm
• 19:53
  going to listen to this woman. And I think it was 2 weeks
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  later, there was a company great officer meeting, but it was.
• 20:02
  Beer tasting. And I hadn't had any alcohol for
• 20:06
  months just because I knew I was in a bad place.
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  So I was like, this is not the thing.
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  And then it was also my first beer tasting, so I was hammered
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  in like maybe an hour or so, 'cause I didn't know.
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  You're supposed to just spit it out.
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  Like you're supposed to swish it around, taste it, spit out.
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  So I'm just sitting there knocking back all of these small
• 20:26
  beers and the guy sitting next to me, my supervisor, had wanted
• 20:33
  to introduce us because he was like, oh, they'll be a cute
• 20:35
  couple. Meanwhile, this guys a freaking
• 20:38
  predator. I didn't drive that night.
• 20:41
  I rode with my supervisor and that guy had parked at his house
• 20:45
  and so I was lived right around the corner from my supervisor,
• 20:49
  which just was random. And I was like, OK, well, I'm
• 20:52
  going to go and and we've lived in a nice area.
• 20:55
  But I walked back to my apartment and this guy's like,
• 20:59
  Oh well, I'm going to go with her because she's tipsy and
• 21:01
  I'll. I'll just make sure she gets
• 21:02
  inside OK, which seems innocuous enough.
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  But then I get inside and I don't want him to come inside
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  because my furniture hadn't arrived yet.
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  I was like, just signed the lease on the place.
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  And I was kind of just sleeping on like an air bed.
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  And he follows me into this house and like keeps trying to
• 21:24
  kiss me and stuff. And I I remember just being
• 21:28
  like, no, like, what if? And this is somebody I was not
• 21:31
  attracted to in any way, shape or form.
• 21:33
  I was just like immediately when I met him.
• 21:36
  I was like, oh, but I ended up dating him because like after
• 21:42
  that I was just terrified of him.
• 21:44
  I didn't know how to say no. Like I kept trying to avoid him.
• 21:48
  And then I went to tech school for 2 1/2 months and I remember
• 21:54
  asking one of the oh fours there like, hey, I just can I have
• 22:00
  some advice? Like this dude won't leave me
• 22:02
  alone. And she said, like, you know,
• 22:06
  just tell him, like, I'm not interested and I'm like, OK, So
• 22:10
  what happens when that doesn't work?
• 22:12
  Like, what do I say? And she said, well, probably say
• 22:14
  something to your command that you're uncomfortable.
• 22:16
  But with everything that happened when I was in ROTC and
• 22:21
  me trying to go report that to police, like I was legitimately
• 22:26
  in a downtown police station in San Antonio bawling my eyes out,
• 22:33
  a friend had come with me and I had all of these text messages
• 22:37
  and things of my ex-boyfriend at the time saying, oh, I'm going
• 22:43
  to come kill you, your life is worthless.
• 22:45
  All of these, like, crazy, just awful things.
• 22:49
  And then I had the evidence of him trying to act on that.
• 22:52
  Whereas there was other people. He tried to run me off of the
• 22:55
  road one night after work, like he was hiding in the parking lot
• 22:58
  next to my job. And so I had all these
• 23:01
  witnesses. I had all of these, like, people
• 23:04
  at my job were walking me to my car at night and then thinking
• 23:07
  as they did that saved my life. But I had.
• 23:11
  Loads and loads of. Evidence and the police were
• 23:15
  like, well, we can't do anything about it.
• 23:17
  You should have reported it at the first incident.
• 23:19
  And so it was like, okay. So if I ask for help, I'm not
• 23:22
  going to get any. Then that's from the police.
• 23:25
  So I'm like, okay, this is a military.
• 23:27
  Why would it be any different, man?
• 23:30
  Turns out it wasn't. But yeah, it just, it got really
• 23:35
  bad. There was just all of these
• 23:37
  rumors and stuff, and that one was one of those toxic
• 23:41
  relationships where we kept breaking up and getting back
• 23:44
  together and breaking up and get back together.
• 23:46
  But like, nobody knew. I was terrified of this guy.
• 23:49
  I was so, so scared of him and didn't know how to stay away
• 23:55
  from him. And I think the one reprieve
• 23:59
  that I got was like he deployed and I was just like, oh, thank
• 24:02
  God. And I.
• 24:04
  And it it just kind of escalated from there where I got one of
• 24:10
  those compassionate PCSS. They put me out of a different
• 24:15
  base. But with all of that happening
• 24:18
  and then another thing happened at that new base, like I just
• 24:21
  broke like mentally, I couldn't handle life really.
• 24:26
  I just thought it was this pattern of, OK, this is always
• 24:29
  going to continuously happen to me.
• 24:32
  And so I ended up hospitalized and got Med, boarded out and
• 24:36
  everything. And that was around 2015.
• 24:40
  And then after that, I was just a mess.
• 24:42
  Like I couldn't keep a job terrified of my shadow.
• 24:47
  Sometimes I would leave the house, sometimes I wouldn't.
• 24:51
  I used to drink like so, so, so much to cope because I I didn't
• 24:55
  really know what else to do. And then there was there was the
• 25:02
  just partying. There's lots and lots of drugs
• 25:06
  and and me not hanging out with a great group of people and
• 25:09
  everything. And then when I met my ex
• 25:13
  fiance, I was like, oh, OK, I got the bare minimum for once in
• 25:18
  my life. So I was thinking like, Oh my
• 25:19
  God, this person's perfect. Like, this is the man of my
• 25:23
  dreams and I ended up moving to Guam.
• 25:27
  This person turned out to be a complete narcissist as well
• 25:30
  because I hadn't healed and I didn't know what to recognize in
• 25:34
  in those kind of people. And I was in a relationship with
• 25:39
  him for a few years and then just out of nowhere he kicked me
• 25:42
  out of the house and he was like, you have to leave.
• 25:44
  I don't want to be with you anymore and.
• 25:47
  Then. I'm guessing because by the time
• 25:52
  that relationship ended, like I again, I went from being super
• 25:56
  happy of Oh my gosh, my life is restarting.
• 25:59
  This is everything I thought I would never have.
• 26:02
  And then if you looked at the pictures over time, it was like,
• 26:08
  I just kind of, like, curled in and shrank and shrank and like,
• 26:12
  just lost all of that vitality and happiness.
• 26:16
  And after that, I got hospitalized again because I was
• 26:22
  just like, well, this is life, you know, it's just trauma.
• 26:25
  And I don't want any part in it. And I I kept trying to harm
• 26:29
  myself. Like I just didn't want to be on
• 26:31
  the planet anymore. But I had made it pretty clear,
• 26:35
  like, I want nothing to do with you, Like, please leave me
• 26:38
  alone. And he kept reaching out And
• 26:41
  like I had started a blog at that time for just about healing
• 26:45
  and trauma and what not. And you know when you have a
• 26:49
  website, there's all of these analytics of all the traffic
• 26:53
  that comes through. And I knew exactly who he was in
• 26:57
  terms of that because his IP address was in a very distinct.
• 27:01
  Place so I knew it was. Him.
• 27:04
  And So what I was doing was I'd copy and paste like, OK, this IP
• 27:08
  address would be on the website for this length of time, and I'd
• 27:13
  copy and paste it anytime I saw it.
• 27:16
  Then I started getting texts from him randomly and like,
• 27:19
  emails and stuff. Well, I had made it clear, like,
• 27:22
  leave me alone. You kicked me out of your life.
• 27:25
  Obviously you don't want me in it.
• 27:27
  So why do you keep contacting me?
• 27:29
  And this kept going on for a few years until, what was it, 2022?
• 27:37
  He wasn't. Yeah.
• 27:39
  And that sounds right. He reached out again.
• 27:41
  And by then I was just not in a good place.
• 27:46
  I was in an apartment in a really terrible area of Houston
• 27:49
  and wouldn't leave it, just terrified of everything.
• 27:53
  Was pretty much an agoraphobe. Like, I had no life and I just
• 27:57
  woke up in the morning, took the maybe five steps to get to my
• 28:01
  couch, and then sat there if I slept.
• 28:04
  And out of nowhere, one day I get an e-mail from him and it's
• 28:09
  just like, I'm so sorry and something else.
• 28:13
  And then the next e-mail was like, damn it, I shouldn't have
• 28:17
  sent that or something. And I finally had enough.
• 28:21
  And so I I didn't know really who to contact because he was in
• 28:24
  the Navy. So I just found a Sark office
• 28:27
  overseas and told them the situation and asked like, what
• 28:31
  do I do when they got me in contact with them?
• 28:36
  What's it called? It's family advocacy.
• 28:41
  Yeah, they got me in touch with them at his duty station.
• 28:45
  I have all of this evidence, like of this person continuously
• 28:50
  reaching out to me for years. And I I guess they got in
• 28:57
  contact with his commander or something like that.
• 29:00
  And I they, I guess basically he showed the commander the emails
• 29:06
  and said it was an accident. I didn't mean to e-mail her.
• 29:09
  And I'm like, OK, you responded to an e-mail from a year ago, so
• 29:15
  you had to scroll through your Gmail to get to it, then type,
• 29:20
  then hit send, then go back to that e-mail and write.
• 29:24
  I shouldn't have done that. That's pretty intentional to me,
• 29:28
  is it not? But.
• 29:31
  And I wasn't. Just want and then they want to
• 29:38
  respond. So that's how they.
• 29:45
  Operate that a. Navy.
• 29:47
  Navy. Well, basically they didn't let
• 29:50
  me submit any of the stuff that I had which was over a span of
• 29:54
  like three or four years. Why?
• 29:57
  Constantly saying I don't want anything to do with you because
• 30:00
  I wanted a protective order because I'm like, look, I don't
• 30:03
  feel safe. This person keeps reaching out
• 30:05
  to me. I have a history of this stuff
• 30:09
  and I remember the family advocacy person.
• 30:13
  They were like, yeah, he's AE, whatever.
• 30:15
  That's pretty high-ranking. And I'm like, I was an officer,
• 30:19
  So what do you, what are you trying to explain to me?
• 30:22
  I know how this works, but basically the commander made the
• 30:26
  decision that because I responded where it said leave me
• 30:29
  the fuck alone, I want nothing to do with you or something to
• 30:33
  that effect. That meant I was open to
• 30:36
  communication. So he got a slap on the wrist
• 30:39
  and had to go to like some counseling sessions or
• 30:43
  something. What was it?
• 30:49
  I don't really want to say because he's still active duty I
• 30:52
  think. I don't know.
• 30:54
  But yeah there's oh I have no idea who it was but like they
• 31:02
  yeah they protected him 100% where I'm like look like this
• 31:06
  dude destroyed my life. Like I was not OK for years and
• 31:14
  like even after that, like I got hospitalized afterward because
• 31:18
  that whole thing just re traumatized me.
• 31:20
  I was a mess and I ended up getting hospitalized maybe that
• 31:28
  week. And then after that it was.
• 31:31
  I tried to kill myself again and that was around Christmas time
• 31:34
  of 2023 and got hospitalized there and had just the worst
• 31:40
  experience at the VA Like I got, I think I got checked into the
• 31:47
  psych unit there. Let's say I showed up there at
• 31:51
  6:00 to the ER and then I got up to the unit at maybe like 9.
• 31:55
  And by 11:00 there was a man in my room like a patient.
• 32:01
  And they made it seem like I was overreacting.
• 32:05
  And like I I was like, look, you need to transfer me to someone
• 32:09
  else or I want to call my mother or like somebody, because this
• 32:13
  is ridiculous. There's no way in.
• 32:16
  Hell, that somebody should have been able to get into my room
• 32:20
  and like, not only that, that person had like a a a minder or
• 32:24
  a watcher or whatever the heck they're called where somebody is
• 32:27
  supposed to be with them, like within an arm's length of them
• 32:32
  for their stay, and they still got into my room.
• 32:36
  What VIP is. In Houston, Yeah.
• 32:42
  And they made it seem like I was crazy.
• 32:45
  They offered me Xanax and a couple other of those benzos to
• 32:53
  calm me down. And I'm like, I don't need to be
• 32:56
  calm. Like you guys need to do your
• 32:57
  your jobs. Like there is no reason for,
• 33:00
  like, somebody to be at the foot of my bed.
• 33:04
  No, no, it's not that cool. That's the happen.
• 33:07
  But did you have an opportunity to reach out to the house?
• 33:11
  Do it? Do it well, it happened a second
• 33:14
  time about 12 hours later. Different patient, but I reached
• 33:22
  out to what is it the Joint Commission something or another.
• 33:27
  Like I I put in a complaint there.
• 33:31
  I wrote Barack. I wrote Michelle.
• 33:34
  I wrote the local papers in Houston, because I'm a pretty
• 33:38
  good writer. I wrote to Was Trump in there
• 33:43
  yet? I don't remember.
• 33:44
  It was like 2022, but like I wrote all of these people.
• 33:50
  I wrote the head of the VA No response.
• 33:52
  Nothing. And I just so happened to get
• 33:57
  better. Probably around this day of
• 34:02
  2023. I was browsing Reddit and I hit
• 34:06
  like the you can go to just random subreddits and I ended up
• 34:10
  on one called like obscure drugs.
• 34:12
  And I was expecting to read about like mushrooms or
• 34:16
  treatment like that. But somebody was sharing about
• 34:19
  their experience with a new antidepressant.
• 34:21
  And I looked it up and looked at the trials.
• 34:25
  And these people were having these, like, miraculous
• 34:28
  recoveries from, like, years and years and years of depression.
• 34:33
  So I asked my doctor about it, and she hadn't heard of it.
• 34:36
  And she spoke to her colleagues and they were like, please put
• 34:39
  her on that. Especially if she's just had an
• 34:41
  event where she's tried to harm herself like this.
• 34:43
  Will, will help her. And Tricare wouldn't approve it
• 34:47
  at first, but she really went to bat for me and was just like,
• 34:51
  look, I we've tried everything else.
• 34:54
  I've probably been on like 30 different meds prior to that and
• 34:58
  none of them worked. A lot of them, they just had
• 35:00
  like terrible side effects or they just didn't do anything at
• 35:06
  all. But this one, it it was 3 days.
• 35:09
  I started it on January 31st and February 2nd, I was better, like
• 35:15
  I was a different person. I could eat again and like,
• 35:20
  actually taste the food, and I wasn't having a panic attack
• 35:25
  once I put my foot outside the door and and all of these
• 35:28
  things, it was just like all of that fuzz and despair and all of
• 35:34
  that just got like balled up and like thrown away like this.
• 35:37
  And it was. So what do you what do you think
• 35:43
  about that you you order sideline got got now command
• 35:51
  command and then goes to the power power because we have
• 35:58
  Brandon and Vanessa I am on the hill so this is kind of stuff
• 36:09
  that I'm going to make sure that we know that we didn't that we
• 36:18
  wanted. I've got to at all a lot of turn
• 36:25
  will these actually be in partial.
• 36:28
  However it does sound like that this doesn't work.
• 36:39
  There's completely that law the UCM character alone clearly
• 36:45
  stating that the commander went or completely wrong and saying
• 36:51
  that you were in law and contact that's that's a no greater do
• 36:58
  you think that this is kind of executive case I.
• 37:04
  Think so. I mean because the I think even
• 37:10
  regardless of how much experience these people might
• 37:13
  have, like they are well versed in prosecuting or like all of
• 37:19
  the different legal statutes and incentives and whatnot.
• 37:23
  Because like it's not like a a random commander, whether
• 37:27
  they're in the Navy or the Air Force has had any sort of legal
• 37:30
  course. They don't have any legal
• 37:33
  expertise and then a lot of them don't have maybe the the
• 37:38
  training that, say, a social worker has.
• 37:40
  They don't have an ability to look at things with that kind of
• 37:43
  empathy. I mean, if they've been in for
• 37:46
  1520 years, they've seen a whole number of assaults and probably
• 37:50
  have formed their opinions on those situations.
• 37:52
  So I can read you the e-mail where the family advocacy person
• 37:58
  she was like I always tell people don't respond because
• 38:01
  things happen like that and I'm like okay, so there's victim
• 38:05
  blaming here. Thank you.
• 38:07
  And me responding to that was evidence like, look, I have told
• 38:14
  this person numerous times no and.
• 38:18
  When you're actually doing and the people term is is, you're
• 38:22
  asking CC, which is actually required to show your interview
• 38:28
  and that you don't even stop. So in a case and he needs to do
• 38:36
  his job as as, as I apologize. And obviously, how can someone
• 38:48
  know if you don't? You don't formalize it.
• 38:51
  Exactly. And it's crazy that like even
• 38:55
  after that basically they they were like look, no contact and I
• 38:59
  think they they gave me a no contact order for like a year or
• 39:03
  something like that. But still he somehow like went
• 39:08
  out of his way to make sure I saw he was in a new
• 39:10
  relationship. Like I had.
• 39:16
  If anything I wanted to warn that poor girl but like I no.
• 39:23
  But it was like I have blocked him everywhere, you know.
• 39:29
  And it just so happened like I had a Airbnb account and I think
• 39:36
  since we went on a trip together and he was part of those
• 39:39
  details, like he was connected to that account, which I didn't
• 39:44
  realize. And a friend had asked me where
• 39:46
  I stayed in Bali. And I went to go send them that
• 39:48
  information. And I see like his profile
• 39:50
  picture with a girl. And like, I do remember in our
• 39:56
  relationship, he was like, well, I don't really post anything on
• 40:00
  social media. And I think it's stupid that
• 40:02
  people do profile pictures like together.
• 40:04
  And I'm like, yet you have now done this to make sure I know.
• 40:11
  Whereas I I don't care. Like I I would love to say a
• 40:16
  prayer for somebody that you're with and and hope that you're
• 40:19
  better, but honestly, I just don't care.
• 40:24
  And I I knew that I had gotten better because I think that was
• 40:30
  a few months after I had gotten better that I I saw that and I
• 40:35
  didn't have any sort of visceral reaction.
• 40:37
  I didn't have to use any of my coping skills.
• 40:39
  There were no tears. Like nothing.
• 40:42
  It was just like, oh, and then I deleted my account and that was
• 40:46
  that, you know, and and then I think that was when it really
• 40:49
  dawned on me like, OK there there has definitely been a
• 40:53
  miracle in my life and I need to share this with other people.
• 40:57
  I more than anything, when other people to see something like
• 41:01
  that, whether it's with somebody that traumatized them or
• 41:05
  terrorized them, and then also just blink and then do the right
• 41:10
  thing for them, you know, where it doesn't involve contacting
• 41:13
  them at all. It doesn't involve like anybody
• 41:16
  else, Like you don't have to call your therapist about it or
• 41:19
  like get an increase on your meds or anything.
• 41:21
  It's just like, oh delete and you know, move on with your
• 41:24
  life. If I could give that power back
• 41:26
  to other people, holy crap, that would be amazing.
• 41:29
  But it was just to to be re traumatized so many times and
• 41:36
  it's the same thing over and over and over again.
• 41:40
  But now people at least have. At the very least, there's
• 41:44
  people that are completely removed from the command.
• 41:47
  They feel no reason to stick up for whoever is the assailant or
• 41:52
  predator in that situation. And all they have to fall back
• 41:56
  on is what's written in a legal textbook.
• 41:58
  Like what is precedent. That is fine by me.
• 42:03
  So I guess I went to Will. So I have a real thing how
• 42:12
  people perpetrated have impetrated in society and have
• 42:17
  tried to dictate how terminology.
• 42:22
  So one thing I really don't think is people calling people
• 42:28
  calling. So I always with me when you're
• 42:34
  when at first they try to try to then they and if you hear me you
• 42:40
  become a warrior, right. So with me I say when you so you
• 42:49
  get to pick your own two challenges.
• 42:51
  And so I find it quite a quick to stop using words because
• 42:59
  they're the terminal, the sky. It doesn't seem like we are in a
• 43:08
  way when we're like peeing in what day day we're Co hosting
• 43:14
  that word no these were per per piece and so I'm I'm and and the
• 43:25
  fact that I talk about it is the reason they don't use my
• 43:28
  strength and I like sometimes lied when they want and then I.
• 43:41
  You guys know that they came into a room you came up with
• 43:44
  that and I understand that people raped when you were
• 43:51
  sexually consulted but if they don't come out here and say the
• 43:55
  word that they like who we are. Then what what happened was and
• 44:01
  that's what you want they they want it to be where where's been
• 44:06
  30 out of the year and usually 24,000 are going to be composed
• 44:17
  to be or there's a business and the chance after becoming in the
• 44:27
  island. You are going to and you have
• 44:32
  90% of and so I can't tell you like our work since it has
• 44:39
  happened have so much meaning Oh yeah that we might have like
• 44:45
  take our but it's in so many many displays because side has
• 44:53
  been changed by precipitators How did it decide and.
• 45:01
  Yeah, it's it's a fine line to walk because, like, I'm still
• 45:05
  trying to to define what I want to to be like where I I find my
• 45:11
  power and like communication, like words, they they definitely
• 45:15
  matter. They have a lot of power.
• 45:17
  And I hadn't really thought of it until one of my guests
• 45:21
  brought it up. He was like, I don't, I don't
• 45:24
  want to be called a survivor. And even sometimes I'm iffy
• 45:27
  about Warrior and I for me I just I I'm still trying to
• 45:33
  figure out what is the the the term because it it is important
• 45:40
  to find what gives you strength and inspiration and motivation
• 45:44
  and like for some people that that is Survivor.
• 45:47
  And I think my, my one hesitation is like if I don't
• 45:53
  use that term, like maybe I'll miss people, you know, that are
• 45:57
  just kind of coming into their own.
• 45:59
  So and then also with the way the Internet is set up with the
• 46:04
  the damn SEO keywords too, you might miss people because you
• 46:08
  start using a completely different terminology.
• 46:11
  But I I definitely think what you're saying is completely
• 46:14
  valid. But I I like, I don't have the
• 46:18
  solution for it yet. I'm still working through that
• 46:20
  because when when my guest had brought it up, I was like, oh
• 46:24
  shit, you're right. Like you were absolutely right.
• 46:27
  And even still like I'm I'm rebuilding the website right now
• 46:33
  and like when I have that open, like no joke, that's
• 46:37
  thesaurus.com is open. I'm trying to figure it out.
• 46:40
  Like, what is it that I feel gives me like the most strength
• 46:45
  And like, to me, even resiliency is kind of a clunky word.
• 46:51
  Because I remember and when I was active duty and then even
• 46:57
  trying to figure out things with the VA afterward, that's what I
• 47:01
  saw everywhere. It was be resilient, be
• 47:03
  resilient. Resiliency this, you're
• 47:05
  resilient. And I'm like, I've been in a
• 47:08
  hospital for 90 days. What is resilient about that?
• 47:11
  You know, like to me, it was just this kind of slap in the
• 47:14
  face of of being told I'm strong, you know, over and over
• 47:19
  again. Whenever I had shared my story
• 47:22
  with people in the past, they're like, you're so strong and I'm
• 47:25
  like, I just told you, someone tried to kill me.
• 47:28
  How? What?
• 47:29
  In what way? Like I'm showing you the most
• 47:32
  vulnerable, most scared, most just worst moment of my life.
• 47:36
  And you're telling me I'm strong through that?
• 47:38
  No, I was a complete mess. I didn't know how to react.
• 47:43
  And then so I I didn't feel strong at that time.
• 47:47
  And like, I feel like I have tools now, you know, to work
• 47:51
  through that and help other people work through it.
• 47:54
  But still to me, it's not. I don't want my strength
• 47:59
  measured as a woman or as a person, to be determined by how
• 48:04
  much abuse I can take like that. How does that make any sense,
• 48:08
  you know? I feel as you continue, your
• 48:15
  work will come to you. Like, look at this later.
• 48:21
  And then we'll be like, like, this is how.
• 48:24
  Yeah, like this is how far. And I think the more we talk
• 48:29
  about it, the better it will be. And it's funny how people will
• 48:36
  say, you know, like, like, hold on, I was waiting on my for over
• 48:44
  10 hours and and then, yeah, we put a pillow over my face and
• 48:54
  people were like, that's hard to do.
• 48:58
  And I'm like, like, it happens to you, right.
• 49:02
  People say same thing, like, well, were you in the uniform?
• 49:06
  Yes. Was I like, also the uniform?
• 49:11
  Yes. And so it's like people don't
• 49:14
  want to hear it. And I'm like, just listen to it
• 49:18
  because we live through it. We actually live this, and now
• 49:22
  we're thinking about it because we don't want to die.
• 49:25
  No, I'm not like the fact that you watch so many people inside
• 49:31
  of 10 and that night I blocked 17 in my mouth with the trigger.
• 49:37
  That shouldn't be because we've decided and forever our
• 49:44
  perpetrators got away with it. They got away with it and
• 49:49
  they're still in the military. Some of them are and there's
• 49:54
  there's been and we have here share.
• 50:01
  You know, I don't like cleaning this.
• 50:02
  You know dark mean of of drama trying against us because of
• 50:11
  someone did and it's hard people to listen to and I'm like but it
• 50:18
  hold on and that people have rather than talking wow then
• 50:27
  just just put it in. I feel like that would be.
• 50:31
  Sometimes, yeah. It's also like a lot of people,
• 50:34
  they also just don't know what to say too, because maybe
• 50:38
  there's something in the back of their mind, like their memory
• 50:40
  has been jogged, like, Oh my God, something similar happened
• 50:43
  to me, and they're just trying to displace it, you know?
• 50:46
  I think sometimes I'm integrating for themselves, but
• 50:53
  if if you then PTSE shadow, they win.
• 51:01
  So when you when you start to face everything and you start to
• 51:05
  throw the ball away, you become centered through self.
• 51:12
  I mean then wait I was going to finish you all I'll be there but
• 51:19
  no I feel like I'm and and you walk right.
• 51:27
  You know I I have one mark I don't know if that's a it's not
• 51:35
  a so that's for for my ex one and I haven't had multiple times
• 51:47
  and so I had a long time to talk on my face a lot I didn't have
• 51:57
  stuff on my pole and body and for a long time and then I was
• 52:06
  this is a mark defiant. Yeah absolutely.
• 52:13
  So it's like and it took a while to do that.
• 52:22
  You know people talk about it but then got it, that's that's
• 52:28
  the thing and it might not help people use so a lot of
• 52:40
  associates. So I actually have us talk for
• 52:44
  about 20 minutes and then we get on a board because you can't at
• 52:52
  all whatsoever. Yeah the situation is aware
• 52:57
  surfboard auto boarding, snowboarding, I guess it's going
• 53:02
  to help a lot Then we have on this veteran we paint your or
• 53:12
  your purple traders and then we go on a hike and on a hike and
• 53:18
  there and we also put people back, people back to where it
• 53:21
  happened back so that they can like in the the video you saw
• 53:27
  that was opening was at Negus, great great night.
• 53:32
  So at one of those one of those was sexually resulting.
• 53:37
  I keep that raw and left it there and I went to more folk
• 53:44
  and more folk where I was because I just want to like
• 53:47
  release released it left it there.
• 53:52
  That way when I had like snack or something, I had a I could be
• 53:57
  like, oh that sucks. But remember, you left.
• 54:02
  Keep fighting. Fight.
• 54:04
  That might get amazing. It's.
• 54:07
  Been a process but I but I hope a lot of people kind of do that
• 54:13
  and I didn't to do that and I then didn't expect the OTC right
• 54:20
  now and kind of like leading the charge for that.
• 54:26
  We had an ability and stuff changed for not only just better
• 54:31
  and separate loops in the military but for all of us
• 54:35
  because I also and the only way they get to the body and that's
• 54:45
  completely disgusting and they are supposed to have military
• 54:55
  and a lot of these people and nothing's so it's our 4559 it's
• 55:05
  back to that past the house it's in it in it.
• 55:09
  So we're trying to get a house for worded in the next NDA but
• 55:15
  we found that the political cycle here is very not friendly
• 55:21
  friendly at all they're they're it's really don't help us they
• 55:26
  said that in order that we got no we would that would change
• 55:31
  you do you see jet and we've proven up we are meaning those
• 55:35
  cuts cuts So what is one thing that if you had a second holder
• 55:40
  today you're the president what would you write.
• 55:51
  I think definitely it would be you know how they say there's a
• 55:58
  A0 tolerance policy. But from definitely what I I
• 56:04
  understand from being in therapy for a long time and also seeing
• 56:11
  how these Predators operate, it's it starts with like a
• 56:16
  pinch. You know they then it starts
• 56:17
  with a pinch. And if you don't call them on it
• 56:21
  and sever the relationship or you know have some sort of
• 56:27
  discipline, you know, whether it's like OK, I'm not going to
• 56:29
  talk to you anymore. They keep escalating and
• 56:33
  escalating and escalating. That pinch becomes a punch, that
• 56:35
  punch becomes something worse and and it just goes on and on.
• 56:40
  So for me it'd be a one and done like this person test the water,
• 56:46
  they're out pretty much that. That would definitely be good,
• 56:49
  but especially when. You see drug policy is that, but
• 56:55
  we're trying to get a rape. Policy like that, right?
• 56:58
  And like the the drug policy, this person is intoxicating them
• 57:03
  self. You know, like that's the only
• 57:06
  person being harmed in that situation.
• 57:08
  But like rape or even being harassed, it's it.
• 57:13
  It's something that, like with harassment itself, with that
• 57:19
  escalating, like it, it does change the way you just perceive
• 57:23
  yourself, perceive the world. And I remember going from the
• 57:29
  Super happy, confident person to I'm worthless.
• 57:34
  That's all I would hear in my head all day long was I'm
• 57:37
  worthless. I'm never gonna do this.
• 57:39
  I'm never gonna have that. And I was this beautiful, like
• 57:43
  confident ray of sunshine mile all the time.
• 57:48
  Yeah, but like prior to that, like I had this very high self
• 57:52
  esteem and then it was just broken for a decade and some
• 57:57
  change after that. Like that's how much all of that
• 58:02
  broke down my psyche. And that, coupled with rapes and
• 58:08
  assaults and whatnot, like I was very, very far removed from the
• 58:13
  person that I am right now. But like, had any of that stuff
• 58:17
  been nipped in the bud? Like, had I known about
• 58:19
  boundaries? Had I really understood like, I
• 58:24
  know that the the there's the term boiling the frog.
• 58:27
  But like if you read more about that experiment, they actually
• 58:30
  like took the brains out of the frogs or something like that.
• 58:33
  So they didn't react, but it was very much like that where like
• 58:38
  it kept the water kept getting hotter and I didn't know to hop
• 58:42
  out. I didn't think like, oh this is
• 58:43
  going to boil over, you know, But yeah, that would be my
• 58:47
  executive order is like like the drugs when and done, if someone
• 58:51
  reports it, that's that's it. Yeah, So I would say that what I
• 58:59
  what I found and what I and what I really I'm trying to get out
• 59:05
  of school is the reason and security risk is.
• 59:09
  And so mitigation's on the thing.
• 59:13
  And So what I'd really like to do is when we get to the inbox
• 59:19
  right, we're done with that. We start teaching red behaviour.
• 59:26
  Besides this red light, green light, red flags behaviour so
• 59:34
  that people are only recognized perpetrating.
• 59:41
  Because if you don't know what an uncolastic relationship look
• 59:46
  like, what a perfect or looks like, what type hypnosis is,
• 59:51
  there are how can you defend yourself, yourself.
• 59:54
  And we know one and three. So I'm on a record of, you know,
• 1:00:01
  I'm going to tell you how it's a rate.
• 1:00:05
  To take tax packages, take that close, don't earn it right.
• 1:00:11
  No, put it in a bag. Get a rape rape of things.
• 1:00:17
  Then next decision if you want to go forward, right.
• 1:00:22
  It's not my choice. I'm until I go forward, right?
• 1:00:25
  Right. But I don't say that I have to
• 1:00:28
  be respectful in what people want for themselves.
• 1:00:35
  But there is nothing really saying this is what you need to
• 1:00:40
  do with it and then you truly have to after and then how.
• 1:00:48
  So we have culture where this kind of OK and it's look you
• 1:00:55
  know like play everyone who wants to be from it instead of
• 1:00:58
  taking that on and so this is and then boards for therapy and
• 1:01:07
  then all these things. So when it happens to you you
• 1:01:09
  can get back and because the last people want people to have
• 1:01:14
  happened to him is to get out because of them is to all stay
• 1:01:20
  in the middle here when we meet people to be in the middle of
• 1:01:24
  the day. No.
• 1:01:25
  They just took me out and I really feel like there's so much
• 1:01:31
  left fixed where they keep these little folks.
• 1:01:36
  Oh well now I I talk to people all the time really.
• 1:01:40
  They really do that. I had a child called me by his
• 1:01:44
  sister and I think it was a sub machine and they reported the
• 1:01:49
  system. They threatened his life and
• 1:01:53
  then pretend to listen that try the places.
• 1:01:57
  So I mean yes when on writing there's news that when I went to
• 1:02:02
  the police driver's face that and when I walked in the room
• 1:02:07
  there was a piece poker now so you could actually see where
• 1:02:12
  something I didn't exist when I was.
• 1:02:15
  So I like, I cried. I saw it and I was like, OK, I
• 1:02:22
  see, but since numbers are so high, I don't need anymore.
• 1:02:28
  I need it's like like at this point.
• 1:02:36
  You know, that's the the sad part is with that situation,
• 1:02:40
  with the ex fiance, like I learned from my experiences to
• 1:02:45
  keep all of that evidence. Like that's what I learned was
• 1:02:49
  do this cover your ass. Make it like so it's undeniable
• 1:02:55
  that you have not engaged this person.
• 1:02:58
  You know, that's what I've learned.
• 1:02:59
  Like when I was in the Air Force, my car was vandalized and
• 1:03:03
  I was stalked and all of these things, but I didn't have proof.
• 1:03:10
  So that's what I took from that and and from what happened in
• 1:03:14
  college when the grand jury decided that there was no way
• 1:03:18
  beyond a shadow of a doubt that they could prove that that
• 1:03:21
  ex-boyfriend had tried to kill me.
• 1:03:24
  Even though there were people that were literally on the road
• 1:03:27
  with us. And there were plenty of people
• 1:03:31
  that were walking me out to my car each night and all of these
• 1:03:34
  things. So that was no joke.
• 1:03:38
  This was like me thinking, OK, I have all of this stuff in a
• 1:03:43
  folder. All I have to do is let it
• 1:03:45
  gather and not engage this person other than saying leave
• 1:03:48
  me alone or no or I I don't want anything to do with you.
• 1:03:53
  And even then it wasn't enough for me to have learned this
• 1:03:57
  lesson. That was the biggest lesson I
• 1:03:59
  think of. My life was OK, you need to make
• 1:04:03
  it blatant. And still, it wasn't like I
• 1:04:07
  wasn't allowed to submit that. Right.
• 1:04:10
  I actually took a polygraph that was given to me by CIA, CIA
• 1:04:18
  operator. He actually interrogated
• 1:04:21
  terrorists from Iraq. And actually he has the number
• 1:04:25
  one for that. And I and I hopelessly went for
• 1:04:29
  him and another military investigator that probably uses
• 1:04:34
  to prove that I was raped out of my own because one, the troll
• 1:04:44
  rape doesn't happen. Oh, you won't.
• 1:04:48
  Oh look at what you were wearing.
• 1:04:51
  You get blamed all the time. And so I'm able to document up
• 1:04:56
  in their face and say shut the fuck up.
• 1:05:00
  And it's ridiculous that I felt the need to own that because we
• 1:05:07
  are because perpetrators, there's a perpetrator.
• 1:05:14
  And so when you have that as an example of justice in the
• 1:05:19
  system, what else then try to this really doesn't happen in
• 1:05:28
  the past half stage. Yeah, I whenever I drop that
• 1:05:35
  little tidbit about Desantas on people, they're like, what?
• 1:05:39
  No, I'm like, OK, sure don't believe me.
• 1:05:42
  I'm making that up. I make sure I let people know.
• 1:05:45
  So do you know about Denise Smith?
• 1:05:48
  Henry Smith? No.
• 1:05:53
  So Denisha, Anisha was a police officer.
• 1:05:59
  I was actually a guest speaker of her military program in in
• 1:06:06
  Florida and she actually recorded and there's videos they
• 1:06:14
  had access to her and attacked her.
• 1:06:17
  She actually made a stop. They are doing drug trafficking
• 1:06:21
  in this Army basin permit And so she's off.
• 1:06:25
  Yes. And so I was there with her
• 1:06:28
  advocate and I got to her her video that the pay before the
• 1:06:37
  and she kept talking about Red Cross and she's supposed to come
• 1:06:43
  home and I heard her voice and I I still have a beautiful right
• 1:06:47
  now because I just was so happy. In fact she was supposed to come
• 1:06:51
  home and then the next day they said she hung her friend and I
• 1:06:56
  actually have the odd photos from her computer she called in.
• 1:07:01
  So her actually like a soft call and so still to this day and
• 1:07:10
  February lastly said that gives you a congressional inquiry into
• 1:07:15
  her dress still hasn't. And I told you why when I was at
• 1:07:20
  my children Coco and other drugs being used on the folks and
• 1:07:26
  where did this drug traffic come from Germany.
• 1:07:30
  And it happens to be from this scan for this ethno that is
• 1:07:35
  flooding this year is actually being drug traffic through
• 1:07:39
  Germany and other floodplains. And so they mortal and then two,
• 1:07:45
  and you've heard violence because people in general that
• 1:07:50
  are contended to her death. And it's a huge issue and it's
• 1:07:56
  it's all over the military, Not only it's in the Navy, it's in
• 1:08:00
  the airplane and they're ignoring it because the
• 1:08:05
  politicians are involved as well.
• 1:08:07
  And so QQ woman joined the military later in the to support
• 1:08:12
  her family happens to be in minority as so many of you are.
• 1:08:18
  They're going to do this and they killed her and you haven't
• 1:08:24
  heard anything about it from your family.
• 1:08:29
  It was all and they are actually trying to this up.
• 1:08:35
  And so when they it doesn't happen in the military, you
• 1:08:39
  know, you just tell, well, you get murdered to jail.
• 1:08:44
  Yeah, yeah. And I mean, even when I was in
• 1:08:47
  Guam. Oh my gosh, the drug use there.
• 1:08:50
  Boy, I can tell some stories. Boy.
• 1:08:56
  Well, I the logic there was that LSD can't be found in a pee
• 1:09:03
  test. So that was it's.
• 1:09:04
  Out of within 48 years, I used to do it on Friday night night,
• 1:09:09
  Monday. Yeah, if you drink enough water,
• 1:09:12
  yeah, but the LSD that was, that was the one of choice.
• 1:09:16
  And like the the folks I was around had a very life or death
• 1:09:23
  kind of job. So they were definitely not the
• 1:09:25
  people that should have been tripping for hours at a time.
• 1:09:30
  But yeah, I was completely shocked when I when I did find
• 1:09:36
  that out. And then I think when I went to
• 1:09:40
  San Diego to visit my ex, like all of them were smoking weed
• 1:09:44
  the entire time. Like to the point where I think
• 1:09:47
  it was like maybe my third or fourth day there, they got wind
• 1:09:53
  of drug tests happening on the East Coast.
• 1:09:56
  So like, all of them went and like took those.
• 1:09:59
  Like I guess those that you can find at like Walmart or whatever
• 1:10:03
  to see if they would pop and then I don't know what kind of
• 1:10:05
  voodoo they work to to not do that.
• 1:10:07
  But it was this whole thing and I was like, well, you know,
• 1:10:10
  maybe if you just didn't smoke in the 1st place, you wouldn't
• 1:10:13
  have to worry about. That and yet.
• 1:10:18
  Yeah, yeah. And you know, like when I was,
• 1:10:24
  what was it? I was on my, my terminal leave
• 1:10:26
  and I went to a a music festival and I drank a ton and apparently
• 1:10:34
  I did cocaine. And I didn't know.
• 1:10:37
  But I think a few days later I just had enough and, you know,
• 1:10:42
  tried to kill myself and I was still on terminal leave, so I
• 1:10:44
  was still under the UCMJ. So when they told me that I
• 1:10:48
  popped positive for that, like I was shocked.
• 1:10:51
  I was like, I did what now? But yeah, I was just that was
• 1:10:58
  something that was so out of character for me.
• 1:11:01
  Like I I I had, I was just like that out of sorts, you know?
• 1:11:08
  Like I had just given up, so I didn't care, I guess while I was
• 1:11:13
  drunk because I I already had that plan in mind and well, I'm
• 1:11:15
  not going to be here anyway, so it doesn't matter.
• 1:11:17
  But that's that's how low I was. Like it wasn't oh, I'm going to
• 1:11:23
  get away with this kind of thing.
• 1:11:25
  It was just, I don't it doesn't matter.
• 1:11:28
  I'm not going to be here to to deal with the consequences.
• 1:11:31
  I guess that was the logic. I have no memory of it.
• 1:11:35
  But yeah, even after that though when I was out like it it was I
• 1:11:41
  lived in the the Destin Fort Walton Beach area and there's
• 1:11:44
  lots of drugs that go through there and I was not shy about
• 1:11:49
  trying them. After that.
• 1:11:50
  I was because I had just, I gave up.
• 1:11:52
  I was like, you know what? My life has pretty much been
• 1:11:54
  taken from me anyway. Like I feel like I'm dead
• 1:11:57
  walking. So just screw it.
• 1:12:01
  And it's it's it's so crazy to to know that I I truly felt that
• 1:12:07
  way in my heart of hearts when today I couldn't.
• 1:12:13
  I I I can't even wrap my head around feeling like that
• 1:12:16
  anymore. Like I'm happy.
• 1:12:17
  I want to help other people more than anything.
• 1:12:20
  I want to get them out of that that mindset and and just if
• 1:12:25
  that's by sharing stories and and getting those resources out
• 1:12:29
  there and having conversations like these.
• 1:12:32
  Like if that's the the starting point to get people outside the
• 1:12:36
  military environment to care then sure I will tell this story
• 1:12:39
  all day long until my face goes blue but it's it it is wild to
• 1:12:46
  to really like I I journal. I've been journaling since 5th
• 1:12:49
  grade and to look back at maybe 2015 or 16 and see how little I
• 1:12:57
  cared about anything like I didn't care at all.
• 1:13:02
  It was like I wasn't eating. I was just drinking all the
• 1:13:06
  time. I think we're very similar now.
• 1:13:12
  The first year I could drink, I've also drink every night.
• 1:13:18
  I was like every night. Well, because then I came, I got
• 1:13:25
  into a crowd. That wasn't good for me because
• 1:13:29
  I didn't give a fuck, right? I was just like, well, if I die,
• 1:13:33
  I die. That would be great because I'm
• 1:13:36
  so desired of being raped at this point.
• 1:13:40
  And then I would get to a point where I'd be like, OK, and I
• 1:13:45
  would have people come over to my house and party.
• 1:13:47
  I lived in the beach. I had a house on the beach.
• 1:13:51
  So everyone came to use me and I would drink all the time.
• 1:13:56
  And then it became like, well, if I could keep them under the
• 1:14:00
  table, I won't get raped. Like, right.
• 1:14:04
  Yeah, I have that logic. And it was like, OK, well, I'll
• 1:14:08
  be no longer. You know, I didn't.
• 1:14:11
  I went to one party at my husband and they basically
• 1:14:15
  sexually assaulted this girl that I was friends with at the
• 1:14:19
  time. He was 20.
• 1:14:21
  I tried to remember the meetings.
• 1:14:24
  She wouldn't actually assault with her all They videoed it.
• 1:14:29
  They sent it all over the gate and she and they have literally
• 1:14:39
  videos who are getting stuck on this vocal.
• 1:14:42
  She's passed all like, she's in like this and they're assaulting
• 1:14:48
  her. He's like not even moving.
• 1:14:51
  And so I'm like, well, I'm not partying on this ever again.
• 1:14:54
  And then I'm like, OK, let me, let me go party for these
• 1:14:58
  people. And they were Hollywood people.
• 1:15:00
  They were way worse. So there was no like, place for
• 1:15:03
  me to really learn and kind of get it from like guiding
• 1:15:08
  comfort. I'm watching the other officers
• 1:15:11
  be people eyes just speaking out.
• 1:15:14
  There's not like a place I can really do, like I lived on the
• 1:15:19
  beach and I would like, drink every day.
• 1:15:22
  Then I would go to the ocean and I would hold myself underwater
• 1:15:26
  and just be like, let me die today, like let me cry.
• 1:15:30
  And then something like, as it's starting to build, black
• 1:15:34
  something would push me back to shores or something that would
• 1:15:36
  be like, no, I want to die. Like, let me just die already.
• 1:15:41
  Because every couple of months I'm being raped.
• 1:15:45
  And it was just like, no matter where I went, who I trusted,
• 1:15:52
  somebody is intent on harming me.
• 1:15:55
  And this is not what I signed. A military.
• 1:15:58
  Well, I didn't see this military thing, and it was horrible.
• 1:16:03
  Just kept happening, happening. Yeah.
• 1:16:06
  Though I would say the wildest thing that happened probably
• 1:16:10
  when I was outside of the military was I went to like a
• 1:16:16
  show at one of the the clubs in in Destin.
• 1:16:20
  And for some reason like the bands would always want to like,
• 1:16:26
  I don't know, I would just like sidle up to one of the members
• 1:16:28
  and start chatting with them and I'd always end up hanging out
• 1:16:31
  with them afterward. And not a one of those people.
• 1:16:34
  I would go to hotel rooms and hang out with them and like fall
• 1:16:37
  asleep and stuff. Not a one of them touched me.
• 1:16:40
  None of them took any crazy pictures.
• 1:16:42
  None of them did any of that. And like, these are dudes that,
• 1:16:46
  you know, they travel for a living.
• 1:16:49
  They go from place to place, like who knows what they get
• 1:16:51
  into. But like none of them ever put
• 1:16:55
  laid a finger on me. But I couldn't have done that,
• 1:16:58
  like, and that was me being like blackout drunk or high.
• 1:17:01
  And it was like with the band, you know, and then, but like I
• 1:17:06
  could not be that way and be around brothers and sisters in
• 1:17:11
  arms, like that would not happen.
• 1:17:14
  Like you were. Supposed.
• 1:17:15
  Number Yeah, I remember one dude like he legit like he touched me
• 1:17:21
  in and then went and slept on like the the armchair that was
• 1:17:25
  in the hotel room. He was like, hey, I just want
• 1:17:27
  you to know nothing happened. Like, I'm over here all night
• 1:17:30
  and and I was like, I that never would have happened if I was at
• 1:17:36
  a a party on base or hanging out with like people from the base
• 1:17:40
  that was just complete. Like I knew not to fall asleep
• 1:17:44
  around people in the military, but.
• 1:17:48
  That's how I became such a good drinker.
• 1:17:50
  It's just like I had to make more want him Irish and swish a
• 1:17:55
  little bit. Scottish and Belgium got this
• 1:17:57
  bulk ring, but it was just like if I could get the marines to
• 1:18:01
  pass out before me, I get to sleep for about 2 1/2 hours
• 1:18:07
  without having to worry about being raped.
• 1:18:11
  And because they wouldn't leave, like if I leave my house because
• 1:18:16
  they were using me and I would tell them to leave and then they
• 1:18:18
  wouldn't, right? So like, well what can I do
• 1:18:23
  here? I can get them so drunk that I
• 1:18:27
  can survive another year. Oh yeah, yeah.
• 1:18:29
  I used to do that. I mean, I drank like one or two
• 1:18:33
  special forces people under the table before because I didn't
• 1:18:37
  know what else to do. And I was like, I don't know if
• 1:18:40
  I should be proud of that or. Yeah, that's what I'm talking
• 1:18:44
  about. Yeah, but it was.
• 1:18:48
  But like, that's so crazy that you're you're lizard literally
• 1:18:51
  poisoning yourself out of like, survival instinct.
• 1:18:56
  Or that these are the people that are supposed to take a
• 1:18:59
  bullet for you. You're supposed to be a bullet
• 1:19:01
  for them. They're supposed to have their
• 1:19:03
  sticks and you can't even sleep next to them.
• 1:19:08
  Yeah, yeah, it's it's just wild and.
• 1:19:10
  The opposite of what the military supposed to be truly.
• 1:19:13
  And that's not what my military represents.
• 1:19:18
  This is what perpetrators culture infiltration of the
• 1:19:21
  military and that's why we have. I do think like culturally in
• 1:19:29
  the US things are are starting to change.
• 1:19:32
  Like, yeah, you have your your manosphere people, you have your
• 1:19:35
  Andrew Tate's and all of them. But like my talking to my nephew
• 1:19:41
  he just turned 18 not too long ago and he is he's just so
• 1:19:47
  cognizant that other people have lives outside of his and and
• 1:19:53
  they have different experiences and he thinks about triggering
• 1:19:58
  people and he thinks about like what he he thinks before he
• 1:20:03
  speaks. And I know for sure when I was
• 1:20:06
  18, I mean, I have no idea about all of this, but I I do think
• 1:20:09
  that the kids having access to the Internet and and they talk
• 1:20:14
  about everything, whereas like. US and Gen.
• 1:20:18
  X and before we were all taught to, you know, you keep that to
• 1:20:21
  yourself or you keep it in the family or whatever.
• 1:20:24
  But like with the advent of social media with all the ills
• 1:20:28
  of it, there's also this benefit.
• 1:20:30
  We're like Gen. Z, they expect to be heard and
• 1:20:34
  they expect something to be done about it.
• 1:20:36
  So I'm I'm really thinking like that that new generation coming
• 1:20:39
  into the military, like there is going to be change because
• 1:20:43
  someone I spoke with earlier today, she had mentioned that.
• 1:20:48
  She had mentioned that, like when she first learned she was
• 1:20:53
  going to deploy, she spoke to somebody that had been in a
• 1:20:55
  while and that person was like Gen.
• 1:20:57
  X. And the next person, their first
• 1:21:00
  appointment, they said they ran and talked to like people that
• 1:21:03
  were older than her, that had been through it.
• 1:21:06
  Whereas person I spoke with, she was like, well, my first
• 1:21:09
  instinct was Internet. And then I talked to other
• 1:21:13
  people. And I'm thinking like, of
• 1:21:14
  course, Gen. Z, like first thing they do is
• 1:21:17
  going to pick up their phone, you know, and go to TikTok or
• 1:21:19
  something like that, where people are very, very candid
• 1:21:22
  about their experiences. It's not like things are really
• 1:21:26
  swept under the rug the way that they have been in the past.
• 1:21:30
  So these kids are ready to expose.
• 1:21:33
  They want to be listened to and I.
• 1:21:35
  Hope they're ready to go by them.
• 1:21:38
  Yeah, they're pissed. Every jazzy kid that I've talked
• 1:21:41
  to, they are furious with how the world is set.
• 1:21:44
  Up. Ready to go.
• 1:21:46
  That's not either to talk about you.
• 1:21:50
  I feel for them because like even millennials, we were handed
• 1:21:54
  just a really, really, really difficult situation.
• 1:22:00
  But then and there was nothing we could do about it.
• 1:22:03
  But these these kids, they're like, fuck that.
• 1:22:07
  There is something we can do about it and they.
• 1:22:09
  Are I feel that I almost feel like like you know as we see so
• 1:22:15
  many things in politics so I was at the March for Washington so
• 1:22:20
  60 years later continuing this message we know and it was
• 1:22:26
  supposed to be now right. So I'm is now I'm.
• 1:22:30
  When I go to the Supreme Court, it's literally 10 minutes away
• 1:22:34
  for me. Yeah.
• 1:22:36
  When the start of the session came in, we were out for
• 1:22:39
  protesting. Clarence TomTom is a crook.
• 1:22:43
  Needs to resign. And he's a predator.
• 1:22:48
  And he's A and he's a predator. So, I mean, that kind of falls
• 1:22:51
  into it, right? They knew that and they still
• 1:22:55
  appointed him. And so this is the point of us
• 1:22:59
  not being heard. But now they're saying, oh, this
• 1:23:02
  guy took all this money and he's Supreme Court Justice and he has
• 1:23:06
  no ethics. Well, you guys are warned,
• 1:23:08
  right? And you ignored this.
• 1:23:12
  Is Bob ignoring crime that are being put in front of?
• 1:23:16
  Her because it's. Convenient to you because there
• 1:23:18
  was other people at your point. And you, you trashed this woman
• 1:23:24
  who told the truth about that. And now I'm sitting here like,
• 1:23:28
  damn. Yeah, Well, how did this happen?
• 1:23:32
  You know, I'm like, oh, pretty sure you got one right.
• 1:23:36
  We'll be. I'm down here at the Supreme
• 1:23:39
  Court and, you know, I am protesting and being as active
• 1:23:43
  as I can to make sure that I could support Casey for you at
• 1:23:47
  the national level, whatever, to make sure that our voices are
• 1:23:52
  heard. And it's very inspiring.
• 1:23:56
  You know, I'm 33. To have people that are in
• 1:24:01
  relation see with me and reminding them of the civil
• 1:24:05
  rights movement and letting them know that what is this time like
• 1:24:11
  this is the generation that will stop it.
• 1:24:15
  And we say the time is now, the change is now, and it's up to
• 1:24:19
  us. And while that's saying you
• 1:24:23
  can't do it, it's because we don't want to do it.
• 1:24:27
  And when you believe into that, you believe into your system.
• 1:24:32
  And we are from people through a democracy of changing anything,
• 1:24:36
  absolutely. Yeah, we'd have a unique system
• 1:24:40
  here in the US and yeah. Democracy is great.
• 1:24:43
  We have most. Of the work and I'm.
• 1:24:45
  Just trying to make sure that we'll have a congressman held an
• 1:24:49
  elevator. You know Thomas doesn't want
• 1:24:52
  that. Trump doesn't want that
• 1:24:55
  dictatorship. And you know, reminding a
• 1:24:59
  Supreme Court that if you do the thing that a dictator wants,
• 1:25:04
  there will not be of course like y'all want to go look Nazi
• 1:25:09
  Germany because this Jew want remind you because.
• 1:25:12
  It's happening like all. Over the same.
• 1:25:15
  Playbook. It's terrible.
• 1:25:17
  Absolutely. So I want to thank you for
• 1:25:21
  coming on and sharing your story.
• 1:25:23
  You might have to have this again before I got a message
• 1:25:27
  saying that we're echoing pretty bad.
• 1:25:29
  So of course. So we'll just consider it a cry
• 1:25:32
  on and have to do it again. We'll see how it.
• 1:25:35
  I'll look at the audio when we're done echoing really bad
• 1:25:40
  and like of course she said well her stuff is so that's whatever.
• 1:25:46
  If not well we'd already know what we're talking about talking
• 1:25:49
  about. So guys on here at here
• 1:25:55
  Foundation reminder you are not alone.
• 1:25:59
  Please check out Smitty's from the Eagles.
• 1:26:03
  So you're not you're my Smitty. Now please check out her website
• 1:26:08
  post violence voices. Check it out.
• 1:26:11
  And again I'm New York Amazon warrior.
• 1:26:14
  Warrior Foundation If you you're not alone, contact me anytime
• 1:26:20
  you do something and keep the positive, keep doing sleeping.
• 1:26:25
  Forward the epic and everything and we out.
• 1:26:31
  All right. Thank you SO.
• 1:26:32
  Much That's the show for today everyone.
• 1:26:34
  Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with an
• 1:26:37
  all new show. And remember, you can listen to
• 1:26:39
  us again and again. The podcast of this radio show
• 1:26:42
  is available right after we go off the air tonight, anywhere
• 1:26:46
  that you can get your podcast episodes.
• 1:26:50
  And thanks for joining us. Today I'd like to take a moment
• 1:26:54
  to talk about something close to my heart.
• 1:26:57
  Military broadcast radio is in doing incredible work to support
• 1:27:01
  our veterans and bring their voices to the world.
• 1:27:05
  They rely on your generous donations and your dedicated
• 1:27:09
  volunteer hours to make it happen.
• 1:27:12
  I encourage you to consider supporting MVR in any way form
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  that you can. Use this QR code that's attached
• 1:27:21
  to the picture. Or you can go to our website at
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• 1:27:31
  more about how you can donate or volunteer even just an hour a
• 1:27:35
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• 1:27:39
  lives of our veterans. Because once again, we're all
• 1:27:43
  here for you and not for us. We're giving a veterans a voice.