Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Grief & Divorce

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Grief & Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

0:47
SPEAKER_01: If you're seeking a relationship and the lights and the lights up for all of you, you're in the right place.
0:56
SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
1:02
SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is about grief.
1:06
SPEAKER_01: Now, I'm a relationship coach, so why oh why am I sharing about grief?
1:12
SPEAKER_01: Well, grief is a universally experienced human emotion, and one we don't talk about much in general.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: It's often a private and fairly lonely experience as we navigate our way through grief, and we certainly don't talk much about grief when it comes to unraveling relationships, a heartbreak or a breakup, a separation or a divorce.
1:36
SPEAKER_01: When a relationship ends, we are doing exactly that.
1:40
SPEAKER_01: We're unraveling a relationship and disentangling ourselves from someone else.
1:45
SPEAKER_01: And so there is grief, there is loss, and so comes grief.
1:50
SPEAKER_01: And this form of grief is often not spoken about at all, especially if you were the one to choose to end the relationship.
2:00
SPEAKER_01: The grief that can be felt when we dismantle a long-term relationship, we separate, or we divorce, even or perhaps especially if it is of our choosing, can come as something of a surprise for us and also for others.
2:18
SPEAKER_01: And when we talk about grief with regard to the ending of a long-term relationship, there are different aspects of grief that we feel when a relationship ends.
2:31
SPEAKER_01: Not only are you grieving your partnership, if not actually your partner, not only are you grieving your partnership, you're grieving the happy ever after.
2:42
SPEAKER_01: You're grieving the life you thought you would have.
2:45
SPEAKER_01: You're grieving the story you thought you were co-writing with your partner, that happy ever after, the fairy tale ending.
2:56
SPEAKER_01: In her book Love Warrior, Glenn Doyle says about grief.
3:29
SPEAKER_01: Grief showing up as we disentangle ourselves from a partner, as we step out of a long-term relationship, shows us that relationship was important.
3:40
SPEAKER_01: The dreams we had in that relationship were important.
3:45
SPEAKER_01: Grief is love's souvenir.
3:49
SPEAKER_01: And I think, especially if dismantling your relationship is mutually agreed or it's something that you initiated, it's often, and perhaps almost always, grief showing up in that situation is not recognized by others.
4:08
SPEAKER_01: They simply see you getting on with hashtag all the things, navigating the practicalities of separation and divorce, supporting, holding space for your kids, working, juggling all the things amidst dramatic change, all the newness, all the high emotions, rebuilding, moving on.
4:26
SPEAKER_01: It's really easy for others to overlook our grief.
4:30
SPEAKER_01: And in fact, it's easy for us to overlook it or be a little bit surprised when it shows up.
4:40
SPEAKER_01: But if it's not recognized by others, that means we grieve silently, privately, behind closed doors or under the bed covers, and we push it down and shove it away.
4:53
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it can even feel embarrassed or guilty that we're grieving something we chose to walk away from.
5:02
SPEAKER_01: Or we're confused because we're grieving something that we know was no longer healthy or good for us, something we needed to lose or leave.
5:12
SPEAKER_01: It can be surprising and confusing to grieve something that we knew we knew was no longer serving or good for us or lighting us up.
5:25
SPEAKER_01: So when grief shows up in that situation, it can really come as a surprise.
5:31
SPEAKER_01: You may also find that you grieve the life, the relationship, the family you thought you would have.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: You may find yourself grieving the happy ever after, the future that you'd mapped out for yourself, the life you thought you'd have.
5:48
SPEAKER_01: No one goes into a relationship, a deep relationship, thinking it's going to end in a separation or a divorce.
5:54
SPEAKER_01: We all go in full of hopes and dreams and of creating a beautiful future together.
5:59
SPEAKER_01: So when a relationship does end, we can grieve that future.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: We grieve the future and we grieve the possibilities that that relationship held.
6:13
SPEAKER_01: It might also be grief of letting go of who you thought you would be and how you're how you thought your life would play out.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: Losing or letting go of the happy ever after, yes, the way you thought your life would look, but also grieving the person that you were in that relationship as part of that particular couple, as well as the person you thought you would become as that relationship grew and changed and evolved over time.
6:44
SPEAKER_01: So you're grieving the future you that you thought you were becoming.
6:50
SPEAKER_01: And here's the thing: you're no longer the same, you're different, and while that can be exciting and cathartic, it can also bring grief.
7:00
SPEAKER_01: It's totally understandable to grieve the safety and the security that you knew what was coming, you knew who you were, and you knew how to move through the world.
7:12
SPEAKER_01: So while the newness, as I said, can be cathartic, it can be really exciting, it can open up new possibilities, it can also bring grief.
7:21
SPEAKER_01: There's also the grief of the shared story.
7:26
SPEAKER_01: The grief around losing the story that only the two of you know.
7:32
SPEAKER_01: Losing those in-jokes that only the two of you understand, and the grief of losing a shared, a common history, the stories, the adventures that only the two of you shared.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: The grief of losing the shared history or the shared stories is real.
7:52
SPEAKER_01: Grief might show up for you in or around losing your family unit.
8:01
SPEAKER_01: Letting go of or grieving the family you thought you would have or be or create together.
8:07
SPEAKER_01: Letting go of the conditioning we have around what a family should in inverted commas look like.
8:12
SPEAKER_01: Letting go of the should, accepting what is can involve grieving, grieving what you thought your family would be, how it would look.
8:22
SPEAKER_01: So grieving the future family that you thought you were creating.
8:27
SPEAKER_01: Or you may grieve lost relationships.
8:30
SPEAKER_01: And yes, of course, letting go of losing the relationship with your partner, your now ex-partner, and if your co-parents allowing that to morph and change into something different, but maybe also losing or grieving relationships with others, with your ex-partner's family, with your ex-partner's friends.
8:51
SPEAKER_01: There is grief around the shifting and changing and loss of relationships that are wider than just the relationship between the two of you.
9:01
SPEAKER_01: There's a loss of wider connection and relationships, often when we separate or divorce from a long-term partner.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: And sadly, some friends will choose sides.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: So will family, and that's not always along blood lines.
9:17
SPEAKER_01: There's often a freezing out that comes after a separation, too, where you might find yourself excluded from social events or social circles you were once part of.
9:27
SPEAKER_01: Of yes, often with family, extended family, but also with friends and social circles.
9:34
SPEAKER_01: And that brings with it sadness, obviously loss, and therefore grief.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: You may grieve the biological siblings your children won't have, the babies you won't bring into the world with this particular person.
9:53
SPEAKER_01: And this can be really hard for anyone outside to understand, but if you were planning on a bigger family unit, you may find you grieve the children that won't be a part of your future.
10:07
SPEAKER_01: And if that is your lived experience, I just want to acknowledge how difficult that can be.
10:12
SPEAKER_01: Grieving the loss of the children that you thought you would bring into the world in this space, in this family unit, can be really difficult to work through and takes lots of work and healing.
10:23
SPEAKER_01: So go gently, go gently with yourself.
10:27
SPEAKER_01: There's also the grief of losing being part of a unit or part of a team, of always having someone in your corner, someone who's got your back, someone to attend events with or hang out on the weekend with, or the grief of having someone to help you with the things you don't like.
10:48
SPEAKER_01: The tax return or unclogging the sink, doing the dishes, cooking the dinner, whatever it is, whatever it is for you that you don't like.
10:56
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes grief shows up in really weird ways when you are faced with having to do that thing.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: It's an indication that you're no longer part of a team.
11:07
SPEAKER_01: You don't have someone there to pick up the pieces that you don't want to pick up or hold for yourself, and that can trigger grief.
11:16
SPEAKER_01: There's also a very real grief associated with the economic and financial changes of a separation or divorce and what that means for you.
11:26
SPEAKER_01: So grief may show up if you choose or have to sell the family home.
11:33
SPEAKER_01: Many of us are really deeply connected to our home, and letting go of that, moving away from that, moving, physically moving, can be a big trigger for grief.
11:46
SPEAKER_01: So move gently through that.
11:48
SPEAKER_01: Allow it.
11:50
SPEAKER_01: Acknowledge that it's a that it is a big deal and that grief will come up as part of that moving forward.
11:59
SPEAKER_01: You may find yourself grieving the financial freedom that you thought you would have, the freedom that dual income, the options and the freedom and the choices that being a dual income couple or family brings.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: You may grieve that financial freedom.
12:18
SPEAKER_01: However grief shows up for you, however, it shows up as you navigate your way out of a relationship and into a beautiful new version of your life, acknowledging the grief is there is really important.
12:33
SPEAKER_01: Not pushing it down, not pushing it away, and not suffering silently.
12:39
SPEAKER_01: It's real, it's raw, it's painful, and it's absolutely 100% a normal part of this process.
12:50
SPEAKER_01: So acknowledge it.
12:53
SPEAKER_01: Understand too that there's a journey through phases of grief.
12:58
SPEAKER_01: There's often initial shock and denial, particularly if it's if the divorce, the separation, the relationship breakup is not of our choosing.
13:08
SPEAKER_01: There's shock, there's denial.
13:11
SPEAKER_01: There can be pain and guilt.
13:14
SPEAKER_01: Then comes anger and bargaining.
13:17
SPEAKER_01: Some of us bargain with the higher a higher power that we believe in, others bargain just with our within ourselves.
13:25
SPEAKER_01: There's anger, there's bargaining.
13:27
SPEAKER_01: Then there's sadness and depression.
13:31
SPEAKER_01: Then comes the upward turn where the healing and the reconstruction kick in, leading towards acceptance and hope.
13:39
SPEAKER_01: Now, when I say there's a journey through grief, not everyone will experience all of those stages.
13:45
SPEAKER_01: And depending on your own individual story, it's not going to necessarily be a straight-line path.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: You might move back and forth between these phases depending on where you're at and what's happening.
13:58
SPEAKER_01: You might not experience some and you'll experience others much more strongly.
14:04
SPEAKER_01: So the phases that we generally accept as part of the grief journey are initially shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, sadness and depression, and then the upward turn where healing and reconstruction kick in.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: Now sometimes grief pops up later down the track.
14:28
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we don't grieve in the early phases of a relationship breakdown or a divorce.
14:34
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's delayed and it pops up later.
14:37
SPEAKER_01: Or we move through some of those phases of grief, we do the healing and it pops up again.
14:44
SPEAKER_01: So don't be surprised if it does pop up for you later down the track.
14:48
SPEAKER_01: When you're well on your healing journey, it can rise up again unexpectedly.
14:53
SPEAKER_01: Maybe on significant days, anniversaries, birthdays, or around Christmas time, whatever your journey, whenever that grief surfaces, don't push it down.
15:06
SPEAKER_01: And don't push it away.
15:08
SPEAKER_01: Don't lessen it, don't minimize it.
15:11
SPEAKER_01: And also don't attach any judgment or feel guilty about it.
15:16
SPEAKER_01: Just let it be.
15:19
SPEAKER_01: Allow it to rise.
15:21
SPEAKER_01: It is leading you toward healing, acceptance, hope, reclaiming who you are and liberating yourself.
15:32
SPEAKER_01: Grief shows up because this is big, deep stuff.
15:39
SPEAKER_01: Grieving deeply means we cared deeply.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: It means we cared for the person, yes, but it also means we cared for that relationship.
15:48
SPEAKER_01: That relationship mattered.
15:52
SPEAKER_01: When grief shows up, it means we lived and loved hard and wild deeply and fiercely.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: Greece shows up because this matters.
16:02
SPEAKER_01: So allow it, acknowledge it.
16:05
SPEAKER_01: Then let it go to refocus on the present.
16:10
SPEAKER_01: Allow your grief.
16:12
SPEAKER_01: Sit with it.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: Sit within it.
16:15
SPEAKER_01: Open up to others about it so they can sit with you in your grief.
16:21
SPEAKER_01: Find the grace within the grief.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: Grace for yourself.
16:27
SPEAKER_01: Show yourself deep, deep compassion.
16:31
SPEAKER_01: This is hard.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: It's big.
16:33
SPEAKER_01: Even if it is of your choosing, it's big.
16:37
SPEAKER_01: Grief.
16:38
SPEAKER_01: Allow it to be, give it the time it needs to be fully felt, and then let it leave.
16:44
SPEAKER_01: Because it is leading you to healing.
16:47
SPEAKER_01: It is leading you to reclaiming who you are.
16:51
SPEAKER_01: It is leading you to liberation.
16:55
SPEAKER_01: Grief is love's souvenir.
16:58
SPEAKER_01: And as one of my amazing clients said to me today, yes, there are times when I'm sad, there are times when I'm grieving, but there's also some great joy, and there's been some amazing gifts.
17:11
SPEAKER_01: I'm rediscovering who I used to be, and that is the gift that grief will give you.
17:20
SPEAKER_01: It gives you the gift to rediscover who you used to be.
17:25
SPEAKER_01: So allow it to rise, allow it to be, feel it fully, and feel it all the way through to the end, and then let it leave.
17:36
SPEAKER_01: Let it be just one step on your pathway to healing.
17:43
SPEAKER_01: I'm Stanley Ann Hartnall, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
17:50
SPEAKER_01: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
17:58
SPEAKER_01: I'd also be so grateful if you follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
18:10
SPEAKER_01: I hope you'll join me next month for another episode of Reclaim, Reclaim and Liberation.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: Until then.