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Andy Stanley - What Happy Couples Know Part 4 Its a Choice · Andy Stanley Sermons

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We're brought here today by the love that Sarah and David share for each other.
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We're going to be so happy, will be so happy, and I'm
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gonna crush it at being a husband. Happy anniversary, babe, great idea
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coming here. It's been an amazing year. It sure is. You do
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gifts on your anniversary? Why did nobody tell me this? Didn't he forget
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my gift? Quick? Say something? I also ordered you a gift.
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It has not gotten here yet. I have a feeling I know what it
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is. I mean, I've been hitting pretty heavily. Absolutely no idea.
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So there's been something I've been wanting to talk to you about. Uh oh,
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she got me using the decorative soaps again. Have you thought about us
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having a baby? Kids? We just got married. Are you serious?
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I can't create a human Yep. He's totally freaking out right now. Noise
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hoop, lots of poop, honey, Yes, what I'm ready to think
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about having the guests? What we made a baby? You're pregnant? Yeah,
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I'm so pregnant, like how much like an like all the way pregnant.
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It's going to be a boy. He's gonna be awesome. He's gonna
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play football. It's going to be a girl. She's going to be my
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best friend. I'm going to teach him how to build stuff. She's going
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to do ballet, throw stuff, shopping, break stuff, Peter burn stuff.
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Mommy's little princess. He's going to be my little buddy. We're having
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a baby. Oh my gosh, we're gonna crush parenting. I'm gonna crush
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at being a dad. Cheers. Yeah, this is going to need to
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be decap Is that pregnant. We're going to miss that couple, whoever they
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are, wherever they are. Hey, so what do happy couples know?
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So far, we've discovered three things that happy couples know. One thing happy
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couples know is that we bring our hope streams and desires into the relationship.
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We can't help that. That's natural. But if we're not careful, those
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hope streams and desires begin to feel like expectations. So one of the things
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that happy couples know is they make a decision. Happy couples decide they owe
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each other everything but are owed nothing and return. Now this doesn't make sense,
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but this is what they do. Okay, And as we're going to
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discover in just a few minutes in today's lesson today's session, there's something else
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they do that doesn't make sense. And that's the unusual thing about happy couples.
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As you get close to them, they're so happy and it doesn't completely
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make sense. And part of it is because they understand or they've just decided,
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you know what, I owe you everything, you don't owe me anything
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in return. The other thing that happy couples know is that happy couples understand
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that relationships are a race to the back of the line. That happy couples
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understand the idea of being selfless, and when both parties in the relationship ourself
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less, it's amazing what can happen. And in a Christian marriage, we
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looked at a passage that describe as a Christian marriage is essentially what we called
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a submission competition that each person insists that the other person goes first and that
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the other person is more important. And then the third thing that we discovered
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this past session. Last week, we discovered that happy couples know that sometimes
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you have to throw things now before you apply this when you need to go
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back and listen to the entire message. Okay, because there's a specific application.
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Then today we're going to come to a fourth thing that happy couples know,
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and happy couples know that they have a choice. They have a choice.
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Today, I want to talk about perhaps the single most important choice that
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you will make in a relationship, as it relates to becoming a happy couple
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and making the relationship something that's attractive and attractive to you and stay is attractive,
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so you. I want to talk about a choice that every coupled person
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makes. Everybody that's in a couple, every couple makes every single day this
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choice, he said. Everybody makes this decision, whether you are aware of
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it or not. Everybody makes this decision, but it feels oftentimes more like
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a reaction than a decision. So the point of today's message is I want
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to point out a decision that you're already making and perhaps help you make a
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better decision. Most people don't even feel like they have a choice, but
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they do, and so happy couples make what we're going to call the happy
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choice. And what is this choice that happy couples make that they don't know
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they're making that makes all the difference. And the answer to that question is
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found in a letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to some Christians in the first
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century in the city of Corinth. He wrote this letter to primarily gentile,
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non Jewish new Christians who are trying to sort out the whole Christian thing.
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And there's only one God, and what do we do with the other gods?
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And you know, we used to go to the temple and we had
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religion this way. Now you're explaining that religion is a different way. And
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so one of the things the Apostle Paul had to do, and as English
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Bible readers, where we miss this, he had to help Pagans understand not
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only is there one God, but this one God is very different than all
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the gods goods because in pagan worship, the gods did not care about people.
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The gods toyed with people, they manipulated people. In some legends they
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mate it with people. But the gods didn't really care about people. So
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consequently, in pagan religion there was no morality. There were no ethics.
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In other words, you didn't do anything on this earth toward other people to
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try to make the gods happy. To keep the gods happy, you made
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sacrifices. You sacrifice things that were imported to you. You sacrificed animals,
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and some cultures they sacrificed children. And the whole point was, we need
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to make sacrifices here so that our crops will grow, so that our other
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children will grow healthy, so that will win battles. So the apostle Paul
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shows up in these primarily gentile environments. He's going, Okay, this God
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that I've introduced you to is completely different. This God actually cares about his
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people. This God actually cares about creation. So consequently, in order to
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please this God, it's not about sacrifices this way. In order to please
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this God, actually we treat people the way your God treats people. That
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is, you are to love the people around you. And the apostle Paul
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introduces this idea that Jesus actually originally introduced, this idea of a horizontal versus
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a vertical religion. Horizontal religion says, Hey, I'm going to treat you
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the way God has treated me. The old version was I'm going to try
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to treat God the way God wants to be treated, so God will be
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happy with me. So the apostle Paul has just spent several chapters. In
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this letter he wrote three. We think he wrote three letters to the church
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in corinth To one of them disappeared. We don't have it, but we
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have two. And in this first letter he's just finished explaining to them,
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Okay, if you want to do kind of that religious, you know,
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vertical thing, you know, knock yourself out, that that's fine, but
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don't forget the way you treat people is really the number one manifestation of how
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much you love God and how much you respect what God has called you to
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do. So in this particular chapter of First Corinthians he explains it. Now,
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this is a very popular chapter. Some of you had all or maybe
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portions of this chapter read in your wedding. You might have even quoted some
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of this as part of your wedding vowels as one Corinthians thirteen. It's often
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called the love chapter. But when you understand what the apostle Paul's doing,
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it's not really a great It's not really great wedding literature. We've made a
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great wedding literature because of the way it shows up in our English Bibles.
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But this is very earthy, and it's very gritty, and most of it
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makes sense. But there's one line in this chapter that doesn't make sense,
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and in that line is the secret to the decision or the choice that happy
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couples make. So I'm going to walk you through a little bit of what
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may be familiar verses or words that you've heard before, and then we're going
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to get to this one line that doesn't make any sense. We're going to
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camp out there for just a few minutes. So here we go. Here's
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what he says. He says, if I speak in the tongues of men
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and eve angels or of angels, but I don't have love, I am
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only a resounding gong or a clang symbol. Now he's justin is telling them.
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Look, because in their religion, they would have these estatic utterances,
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they would speak other languages, or they would think they were they literally would
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try to speak the language of the gods or the language of the angels.
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So we just finished telling them, Okay, if you would like a version
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of that to be part of your religious experience, that's fine, but don't
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kids yourself. That's not the main thing. And even if you are actually
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to tap into the language of angels, but you don't have love, you're
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nothing but a lot of noise now in my world, this verse, just
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to be personal for a second, is a great reminder to me and perhaps
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a reminder to you that you should never judge someone like me, or a
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preacher, or a speaker or a teacher. You should never judge someone who
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does what I do based on my speaking skills or my knowledge of the Bible,
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because speaking skills are a talent. It's something somebody develops, just like
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you have talents that you've developed. If you really want to know what kind
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of person I am, if you really want to know what kind of Christian
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I am, you ask my wife, You ask my kids, and you
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ask my friends. Because the talent or an ability is not necessarily a manifestation
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of spirituality or great faith. Love is always the bottom line. So he
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goes on and he says this, and if I have the gift of prophecy,
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that is, I can tell the future, and I can found them
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all mysteries, and I have all knowledge, like I'm the smartest person in
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the room, and I have faith that can move mountains. I have like
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perfect faith, whatever perfect faith is, but I don't there it is there.
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It is again, have love I am nothing. Literally, in the
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Greek text, Paul says, even if I'm the smartest person in the room,
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I can explain anything in the Bible, and I can answer any question
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you have. If I don't have love, whatever that means, he says,
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I am literally, I'm a nobody. Which is another great lesson for
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another day. That Paul says knowledge, knowledge does not equal deep when if
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you want to meet somebody who is like a deep Christian and deeply spiritual,
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knowledge is not the measure. Love is the measure. Then he says this,
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he says, and if I give all I possess, I mean who
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would do that? He says? Not ten percent, not twenty percent.
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Even if I give everything I own to the poor. And if I give
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my body after I'm finished giving away my possessions, I give my body.
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I give my body the hardship that I might boast, but do not have
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love, I gain nothing. Now, there's so much in this verse.
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This verse is the nail and the coffin for prosperity theology. I don't have
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time to go into it today, but here's what the apostle Paul is saying.
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In this verse. Anybody who gives to get gets nothing from God.
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Anybody who gives to get gets nothing from God. Anybody who gives to gain
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gains nothing. Maybe we should come back to that, you know, on
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another day. But here here's the question. What does have love? Have
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love? Have love? I got you gotta have have love? Have love?
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I'm sure if I we did a survey and I said, how many
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of you have love? We hope to be like I have love. I
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have love. What does it mean? I don't know, but I know
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I have it because when you hear the phrase have love, it sounds like
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something on the inside, doesn't it? Like I have love? And maybe
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the apostle Paul thought they're going to think of some kind of internal things,
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some sort of feeling. I feel compassionate toward people who are going through a
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hard time. I feel sorry for those children, I feel sorry for that
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couple. I feel bad for what you're going through. I have love.
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So Paul wants to make it clear to these sir first century ex pagan Christians
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that this isn't an internal thing, This is not a vertical thing. This
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is a very practical, horizontal thing. So he gets really practical. He
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says, when I say have love. Here's what I'm talking about. I'm
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talking about stuff you do. Love. The kind of have love I'm talking
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about is patient and there's that you know, put somebody else first, get
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in the back of the line. Thing again, Love is kind. I
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love this word. Defer. Love defers, Love defers. Love knows what
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I know, what I know, you know what you know. But I'm
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going to defer to you. Love is kind. Love does not envy.
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Love isn't jealous when you're more talented than me, when you get more attention
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than me, when you get you know, you're the life of the party,
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when you get the joke, when you tell the joke. Love doesn't
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envy. Love does not boast. Love doesn't try to one upmanship you know
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the person. Hey, you know you thought that was a great story.
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Let me tell you my story. Now. I'm gonna let you shine.
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I'm gonna let you be the center stage. I'm gonna let all the attention
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stay on you, and I'm not gonna rob you of that. I'm just
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I don't envy you, and I'm not gonna boast. And love is not
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proud. Then he goes on, he goes Love does not dishonored. It
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does not dishonor others. In other words, love decides if it's dishonoring to
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you, I'm not gonna do it. If love there's something that might dishonor
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you, for me, that's a sin. I would be sinning against you
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to dishonor you, whether I can find a verse about it or not.
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If that's dishonoring, it's off limits. It is not self seeking. Again,
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there's that move to the back of the line thing. Again. It
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is not easily angered. It didn't have a temper. And this is a
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big one. And love has keeps no records of wrongs. Who could do
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that? But wouldn't you love to be in a relationship with somebody who could
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do that, who keeps no records of wrongs. Then he says something that's
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a little bit tricky, will come back to in just a minute. He
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says this, and love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the
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truth. It's kind of out there, isn't it. And then it's like
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he just kind of goes for it, and he gives a sort of a
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rapid fire list of what love is. He says, love always protects,
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always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love always protects, always trust,
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always hopes, and always perseveres. Now there's one of these on this
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list that if you pay attention to it. In fact, for years that
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kind of bothered me, maybe because of the Bible translation I read when I
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was growing up. But one of these doesn't make any sense because one of
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these is not completely dependent on the lover. It's dependent on the levee.
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And it's this one. Always trust. And I used to vivan think always
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trust. Okay, that's kind of stupid. I mean, that's a little
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bit naive to always trust. I mean I can always protect a person even
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if they're in the wrong, and I can always hope for you know that
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things you know get better and persevere. Sounds like there's gonna be some struggles
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and some trouble so I can push through. But always trust. And literally
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in the Greek text, this means always believes or believes everything that love default
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to trust, and this is a keystone habit for happy couples. Let me
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illustrate it this way in every relationship, not just romantic relationships, not just
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marriage, not just dating, not engage, but in every relationship from time
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to time, there is a gap between what we expect someone to do,
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because hey, I'll be there at six, or i'll pick you up,
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or i'll pick up the kids, or i'll have dinner ready for you,
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or I'll make sure that I tell them, or I'll tell her. There's
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expectations and then there's what we experience. And in every relationship, from time
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to time, there is a gap between what we expect and what we experience.
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And every single time, this is the choice that we make, and
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oftentimes we don't even realize. I think most of the time we don't realize
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we're making the choice because it feels like a response, it feels like a
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reaction. But every time there's a gap between what we were told someone was
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gonna do, or what they led us to believe they were gonna do,
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and what they actually did. Whenever there's a gap, whenever things don't line
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up, we choose what we put in this gap, and we either choose
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to believe the best. I don't know why. I don't know why he's
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late. I don't know why she didn't. I don't know why they followed
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through, But you know what, I'm sure they have a good explanation,
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and when I get all the information, I'm sure it will make sense,
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or we assume the worst that she did it again. He did it again.
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You know, I kind of expected it. That's that's how it usually
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is. Happy couples, Happy couples. Happy couples make it a habit,
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make it a habit to choose to believe the best. This is what it
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means to believe all things. It is a choice. In the moment,
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it doesn't feel like you have any choice. And I'm going to say this
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ten more times in our time together, because I want this to sink in.
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Every single time, there's a gap between what I was told, what
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I was led to believe, what I was promised. Every time there's a
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gap between that and what I actually experienced. He didn't come through, she
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was late again. I don't know where he is. I don't know what
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happened. I don't know why he didn't. I don't know why she didn't.
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Every time there's a gap, we make a choice as to what we
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put here, and happy couples, happy couples choose to believe the best until
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they just can't believe the best anymore. This is a keystone habit for happy
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couples. Now that's what the apostle Paul wrote a couple thousand years ago.
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Interesting, in two thousand, I think two thousand and five, an author
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and speaker and thinker Marcus Buckingham wrote a book called We'll put it up here
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for you The one thing you need to know. This is a book about
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business management and leadership and making progress. It's an extraordinary, extraordinary book.
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I have our staff read this years ago. And in this book about organizational
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skills and being a better leader and better manager, he uses an illustration to
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illustrate his point that actually makes our point. And in this book he cites
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a twenty year study a couple of decades. Over twenty years, a group
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studied happy couples. They studied happy couples in the US and in Canada and
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Europe. And they were looking for, as you might expect, they were
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looking for a common denominator. Now, when I say happy couples, these
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were couples that had gone the distance, they'd been together a certain amount of
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time, and they still enjoyed each other's company. These were not couples who
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were just grunting it out, staying together for the kids. You know,
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we're miserable, but we can't afford to bring you know, split off,
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not back of those couples, couples who have been together for a long time,
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who were still in an enjoyable relationship. And they were asking questions to
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lead them to what is the common denominator for happy couples? Now that's a
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pretty good question. Would you like to know? Yeah? Should have charged
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admission for today. This information is super, super helpful. So when they
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went into this study, like anybody that does research, they had some assumptions.
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And one of their assumptions, in fact, their primary assumption, was
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they expected that they would find couples who'd gone the distance, who'd had some
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bumps along the way, but still love to be together. They assumed that
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they would find that over time, these couples had downgraded their expectations of the
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other person as it relates to their motives, their character, and their virtue.
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Now there was that over time they realized, well, you know what,
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he's not as great as I thought he was. She's not as great
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as I thought she was. So I'm just going to lower my expectations.
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I'm going to have a more realistic view of my husband. Or my wife
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or my partner, and so consequently we'll be able to stay together. Their
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study showed the exact opposite. In fact, they ask each people, a
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person in these couples, lots and lots of questions, and they had an
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opportunity to rate themselves and then rate their spouse, you know, in this
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list of questions, and consistently, happy couples rated each other. Happy couples
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rated each other more positively in every quality than their partners rated themselves. In
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other words, they viewed their partner. They gave their partner higher scores than
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their partner, her husband or wife gave themselves. They had, as it
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turned out, and unrealistically. It was unrealistic. They had an unrealistically positive
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view of the person that they were with. In fact, one of the
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summations of the study was that love is actually blind. That is true,
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because they seem to be blind to the deficiencies in their spouse and this pot
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and then the description went on to say this, that this positive view that
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they had toward the other person created what they called an upward spiral of love.
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I know, an upward spiral of love. Okay, I know it
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sounds kind of creepy. But here's here's what it looks like. Here's how
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it worked. The illusion, Oh, she's just the greatest, He's the
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greatest, created the conviction. They believed it for so long, they actually
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really really believe. No, no, he's the greatest. She really is
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the greatest. Their conviction led to a sense of security because you know what,
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because they're the greatest, I feel secure in this relationship. I trust
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them. The security led to a high level of trust. Well, high
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levels of trust always lead to intimacy, because you know what intimacy is.
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Intimacy is fearless, is fearless, a fearless reveal. Intimacy is I trust
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all of me to you, and I don't have to hold anything back because
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I feel like I can trust all of me to you. That's what that's
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the essence of intimacy. And the intimacy fostered love. And you know what
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the love did. The love, you know, underscored the illusion, which
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created more conviction, which created more security, more intimacy, and so they
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said, it was like it just kind of built on itself and went up
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and up and up. At the end of this study, here was their
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recommendation. Now this is so powerful. Their recommendation was this, in a
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relationship, find the most and I love this phrase, find the most generous
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explanation. When there's a gap between what I expected and what I experienced,
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find the most. Come up within your mind, come up with the most
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generous explanation for the other's behavior, and then believe it. Come up with
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the most generous explanation for the other person's behavior, and then just decide to
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believe it. Believes all things, all ways, believes. Choose to believe
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the best, to which I say, can you say, Ruby red Slippers,
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you have had this secret the whole time. To a happy relationship,
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you just need to click your heels together three times and read your Bible,
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Okay, because it's been there the whole time. Now, obviously, obviously
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there are things that make this challenging and difficult. And again, I've been
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doing what I've doing a long time. I've talked to all kinds of couples,
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you know, walk couples through all kindinds of stuff. So I am
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not naives. So there are obstacles to this. But even regardless of the
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obstacles, we'll talk about to in just a second. I don't want you
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to miss this this point. Every single time there's a gap, even when
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it's the same gap over and over, every single time. What you place
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here is what you decide to place here, and you will either believe the
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best or you will assume the worst. But whichever way you go, it
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is a decision. It is a choice that you have made. That's what
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I don't want you to miss as we wrap up this series. Now,
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there are obstacles into this. There's a couple obstacles. One is this is
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what we experience, right, I mean, yeah, but he did it
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again. I mean, she did it again. I mean it's it's like
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clockwork. The other thing that's an obstacle that we bring to the relationship is
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who we are, because let's be honest, we didn't show up in the
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relationship as a blank slate, right. We showed up in the relationship with
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all of our stuff and all of our baggage, and all of our father
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wounds and our mother wounds, and our grandfather wounds, and my older brother
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wounds and on just all you know, in my former boss wounds and that
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boyfriend that I stayed with for way, way too long and I found out,
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you know, I was like one of three, and you know,
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all those wounds. We bring all of that stuff, so some people have
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a more difficult time trusting than others. We bring our history, we bring
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our baggage, our fear insecurity, and because of that, there are certain
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behaviors, There are certain behaviors that trigger certain responses, and all of us
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we can't help that. But here's what I want you to hear. Even
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with all your junk, even with all the stuff you bring, and even
23:33
with all the inconsistency of the person that you love and are in a relationship
23:37
with, it is still a choice every single time. And let me just
23:45
kind of dig a little bit. Okay, so I've been doing this a
23:48
long time. Suspicion. Suspicion is a self fulfilling prophecy. Okay, if
23:56
you assume the worst for you know, lots and lots of time, eventually
24:02
I promise you will find something. You will find something to actually be suspicious
24:07
about. And here's why. Because when you're in a relationship with a person
24:10
that has low trust, you're on pins and needles all the time. When
24:14
you're in a relationship with a person that you feel like is kind of looking
24:17
for you, to do something wrong. You are never at ease, you
24:21
are always off balance, and you will be so careful, and you will
24:25
be so cautious, and you will be so controlled and your behavior and your
24:30
words that you will appear to be up to something even if you're not,
24:34
and it won't be your fault. If you have low trust because of the
24:38
past, if you have low trust because of private previous relationships, when you
24:44
bring that to a relationship, you may accidentally create an environment in the relationship
24:49
that sets the other person up to do the very thing you fear they will
24:53
do that they had no intention of doing. Because suspicion and low trust in
24:59
a relationship is almost always a self fulfilling prophecy, it sets the stage for
25:03
the very thing you fear the most. That's why you need to pay attention
25:10
to who you are, not just what the other person is doing. And
25:14
both of these are important, But it is so much easier, isn't it
25:17
to focus on what they said and what they did as opposed to who we
25:22
are in the relationship. But even with all of that, we still get
25:26
to choose. So with all of that in mind, and all of that
25:30
is a setup, I want to go back now and look at two or
25:33
three of the verses that we went through really quick, really quickly in one
25:37
Corinthians thirteen, because they lean into this powerful, powerful principle that we get
25:44
to choose every single time. So look at this now. Love does not
25:48
delight in evil. This was kind of a tricky one. Love does not
25:52
delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. You know what that means.
25:56
That love isn't trying to catch the other person doing something wrong. That
26:03
love isn't trying to catch the other person doing something wrong. That love isn't
26:08
building a case against the other person so they can finally step in and say,
26:12
you did this, you said this, you did this, you said
26:15
this. That love doesn't keep score of the past. He said that love
26:22
always protects protects from what. Love always protects the relationship from suspicion. Love
26:29
always protects the relationship from a lack of trust. That love is protective of
26:33
the relationship. That love knows that whatever I choose to put here, whatever
26:40
I choose to put here, will impact the relationship. Yes, this is
26:44
what I thought they were going to do. Yes, they didn't do what
26:47
I thought they were going to do. They'll have to deal with that.
26:48
We'll have to talk about that. But what I put in the gap will
26:53
impact the relationship, perhaps as much as the gap that they created. Love
27:02
always trust, he said, Love believes all thing. I love. This,
27:07
love chooses a generous explanation. Love chooses, Love comes up with Love
27:18
thinks about it long enough to come up with a generous explanation. Then he
27:22
says, this love always hopes. I love that love trends positive. I'm
27:30
just not going to allow myself to go negative. And love He's realistic.
27:37
Love always perseveres. The word perseveres, as I said earlier, indicates or
27:41
implies resistance. That there may be some doubt, there may be some negative,
27:48
that there may be some things from the past that come roaring into the
27:52
future. But love decides, you know what, I am going to persevere.
27:56
I'm not going to give into that trend. I am not going to
28:00
create an environment in this relationship. I'm not going to create an environment in
28:03
my home that basically sets the other person up to fall into the trap that
28:07
I have laid for them through my expectations. Love is determined to trust anyway.
28:17
So here's a question based on your personality, based on your experience,
28:21
based on what you know about yourself, do you believe the best or do
28:26
you assume the worst? Which way do you go? Do you believe the
28:30
best? When there's a gap? Do you find yourself going? You know
28:32
what? I'm sure there's a good reason. I'm you know, I'm sure
28:34
you know? Or are you the person that's like, okay, he better
28:37
have a good explanation. She better have a good reason for this. And
28:41
I'm already mad. I don't even have all the information, but I'm mad.
28:44
So when they get home, when she gets home, when he finally
28:47
calls, when she finally calls, when he finally texts me at best,
28:51
I'm gonna be act as up to zero because I'm right here. You're gonna
28:53
have to You're gonna have to give me a whole lot. Which which way
28:56
do you go? And I just want you to know, regardless of who
28:59
you're in a relationship with, regardless of what he's like, what she's like,
29:03
it is your choice every single time. But happy couples know, happy
29:11
couples know, happy couples know it's a choice. It's a choice every single
29:17
time. And I know, but Andy, he and she and yeah,
29:21
I know, but it's always it's always always a choice. Besides, let's
29:25
think about it this way. What are the options? I mean, are
29:27
the options going to get you anywhere? Are the options going to take you
29:30
forward? I mean, here are the options in case you want to kind
29:33
of work this script. Delight in uncovering mistakes, thrive on speculation, assume
29:37
the worst, and embraced out. Now, imagine that you're sitting down with
29:42
your future kids, or your current kids, or your current kids that are
29:45
older and about to get married, and you're going to give them advice about
29:48
a successful relationship, moving into marriage, moving into a permanent relationship. If
29:52
you're going to give them advice, how much of this advice would you give
29:56
them? Basically, honey, lay a trap. Wait he'll step into it
30:00
eventually, and then you can say, uh huh, I knew that was
30:03
gonna happen. Just lay a trap. Just always be looking for stuff,
30:06
always be saying, you know, piece things together, kind of have the
30:08
whole formula worked out in your mind, and then you just wait and eventually
30:11
she'll step into it. No, you would say, you know what,
30:15
when there's a gap, and they're gonna be gaps, they're always gonna be
30:17
gaps. You get to decide what goes in the gap, and you're always
30:22
gonna come out better if the habit, if the pattern of the relationship is
30:26
believing the best. Now, so here's your homework assignment for those of you
30:32
who are coupled. Just do Just do this for a week. Just decide,
30:37
even if it's like nine times out of ten there's no good excuse for
30:41
what he did or what she did, just for a week, decides,
30:44
you know what, before I get all the information, before he calls,
30:47
before we get together tonight, I'm going to come up with a generous explanation,
30:52
and I'm going to believe it. I Am going to choose to believe
30:56
my own explanation for his or her behavior. Just for a week, just
31:02
choose to trust. Now, trust equals acceptance. When you trust me,
31:07
that's accepting me. When I trust you, that's accepting you. That's if
31:11
you want to be accepted by somebody. If you want to accept somebody,
31:14
you just communicate I trust you, I trust you, I trust you our
31:18
hearts and ultimately our behavior is drawn to trust. The People that you want
31:25
to let down the least are the people that you respect and admire the most.
31:30
And when you create an atmosphere, when you create the pattern of high
31:34
trust, when you create the pattern of high trust, you create the environment
31:40
of high acceptance, and all of our hearts are drawn toward acceptance. Now,
31:45
does this mean you don't have difficult conversations. No, of course you
31:48
have difficult conversations. And when it's the same thing over and over and over,
31:52
of course you talk about it. As soon as that conversation is over,
31:56
you just get right back to it, because that's the past. I'm
31:59
not keeping even if it's not. If the last ten times out of ten
32:02
times either was no good excuse this eleventh time, I'm going to come up
32:07
with a generous explanation. I Am going to choose to believe the best,
32:10
because that's what happy couples know, and that's what happy couples do, Because
32:17
happy couples know the believing the best is a choice, and it's a choice
32:24
they can make every single time they decide to choose it. It's the happy
32:30
choice, and that's what happy couples know.