Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #310 Bedtime is the Right Time

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#310 Bedtime is the Right Time · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: wants answers now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Plenty of research over the last couple of decades has
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  Speaker 1: highlighted that when we give children the opportunity to develop gratitude,
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  Speaker 1: they do better in life.
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  Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, My mom
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  Speaker 2: and dad.
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  Speaker 1: Good abe. This is Justin and Kylie Colson. We have
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  Speaker 1: the parents of six daughters. Our youngest is in grade one,
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  Speaker 1: our eldest has moved out and married. We have three
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  Speaker 1: teenage girls. Right now, we're too sort of come no wonder,
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  Speaker 1: we're tired.
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  Speaker 3: I don't have anything to say to that, you're too
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  Speaker 3: tired to.
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  Speaker 1: Thinking about it. And I'm the founder of Happy Families
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  Speaker 1: dot com. Dot You've written a bunch of books about
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  Speaker 1: how to make your family happier. Today, we wanted to
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  Speaker 1: do something really nice to follow on from our conversation
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  Speaker 1: on Tuesday about a three year old that wants to
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  Speaker 1: go to bed late because she spat the dummy. Time
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  Speaker 1: to give up the dummy. But this time we're not
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  Speaker 1: going to talk about dummies. We're going to talk about
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  Speaker 1: how to create that really high quality nighttime nurture. The
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  Speaker 1: kind of conversations, the kind of closeness that we want
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  Speaker 1: our children to experience when it's bedtime, and we're going
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  Speaker 1: to go through five questions that you can ask your
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  Speaker 1: kids to have really nice conversations at bedtime because parents
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  Speaker 1: always say to me, can I get the kids to
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  Speaker 1: go to talk to me? Like the kids are just
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  Speaker 1: we ask them a question, don't answer, have a school fine,
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  Speaker 1: they don't say anything. But most parents will agree that
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  Speaker 1: bedtime is the time to have high quality conversations.
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  Speaker 2: We actually talked about this in book club last term.
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  Speaker 1: And so for those of you who are not familiar,
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  Speaker 1: sorry to cut your off, Honeymoon, but book Club for
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  Speaker 1: all of our happy families. I did on the podcast,
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  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Is that okay with you?
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  Speaker 3: That's fine with me?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, all right.
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  Speaker 2: I'm still that there is a whole heap of people
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  Speaker 2: out there that are rolling eyes though, I just it's
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  Speaker 2: in there.
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  Speaker 1: We're not taking it out now. So like I said, Honeybun,
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  Speaker 1: the book Club, I cut you off, and then you
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  Speaker 1: cut me off, and now I'm completely lost. The book
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  Speaker 1: club thing that we do is part of the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families membership. Whether you're a.
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  Speaker 3: Bok Club thing. I can't believe you just said that.
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  Speaker 1: The book club thing that we do every term, our
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families members go through one of our books, one
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  Speaker 1: of the books that I've written about making Me Family Happy.
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  Speaker 1: You run book club for us and if you're a
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  Speaker 1: Happy Famili's member, four consecutive weeks during term we go
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  Speaker 1: through one of the books. And last term we went
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  Speaker 1: through the book Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know, and.
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  Speaker 2: Chapter nine we talked about feeling joy and one of
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  Speaker 2: the things that we discussed was bedtime routines because for
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  Speaker 2: a lot of parents, that's not a place where we
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  Speaker 2: would typically suggest that we feel joy.
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  Speaker 1: In a lot of houses at nighttime, things are kind
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  Speaker 1: of chaotic and crazy, and what we really want to
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  Speaker 1: do is create high quality nighttime nurture experiences so that
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  Speaker 1: we can feel the just the awesomeness of what it
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  Speaker 1: is to be a parent instead of the exhaustion of
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  Speaker 1: what it is to be a parent.
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  Speaker 2: And I have to admit, I definitely know the feeling
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  Speaker 2: of stressful nighttime routines. We have had our fair share of.
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  Speaker 1: Those last night, just saying, but.
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  Speaker 2: Generally speaking, nighttime routine, it's literally one of my most
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  Speaker 2: favorite times with the kids, we're all a little bit sleepy,
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  Speaker 2: where you starting to wind down, and just that opportunity
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  Speaker 2: to connect and have those extra snuggles and read a
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  Speaker 2: bedtime story, which, like we talked about a few weeks ago,
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  Speaker 2: has completely changed for me and Emily.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not reading those.
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  Speaker 2: Soft, warm, fuzzy feeling books anymore, bring.
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  Speaker 1: Science textbooks to our seven years.
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  Speaker 3: But I just love that time.
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  Speaker 2: There's just a softness that kind of comes over our
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  Speaker 2: children as they're going to bed most of the time.
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  Speaker 1: So five questions to ask your kids at bedtime so
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  Speaker 1: that you can have those conversations that bring you closer together.
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  Speaker 2: So we actually have our first conversation at the dinner table,
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  Speaker 2: we do. That's where it starts.
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  Speaker 1: And usually not every night, but usually we'll say what'll
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  Speaker 1: be grateful for today? It's that simple. And the beautiful
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  Speaker 1: thing about a question like that is that it well,
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  Speaker 1: it teaches kids gratitude, but it also helps to create
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  Speaker 1: a sense of reflection, a sense of the world is good,
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  Speaker 1: good things happen, and I can expect that if good
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  Speaker 1: things happened today, that tomorrow more good things will happen,
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  Speaker 1: more things that I can be grateful for.
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  Speaker 2: We had one of the cousins sleepover during the holidays,
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  Speaker 2: and when we asked the question, she said, I don't
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  Speaker 2: know what I'm grateful for.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, seven years old And she's like, I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: And I said to her, do you remember when you
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  Speaker 2: said thank you today? And she looked at me and
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  Speaker 2: she said, she said, I thank mummy because she let
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  Speaker 2: me stay with you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I said, oh, that's gratitude.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe that's what you're grateful for today, that you get
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  Speaker 2: to spend time with your cousins. And she was like, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: it's it's just changing the words to help us help
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  Speaker 2: the children understand what it actually means to be grateful.
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  Speaker 1: Plenty of research over the last couple of decades is
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: highlighted that when we give children the opportunity to develop gratitude,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: they do better in life. It's good for their relationships,
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  Speaker 1: it's good for their well being. It's surprisingly remarkably, it's
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  Speaker 1: even correlated. As gratitude goes up, so to do things
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  Speaker 1: like self regulation and exercise and school grades. Satisfaction with
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  Speaker 1: life gratitude is a powerful way to inoculate kids against depression.
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  Speaker 1: You'll note that if you're ever talking to somebody who's
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  Speaker 1: genuinely depressed, and you say, well, is this something in
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  Speaker 1: your life that you're grateful for? They will say no
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  Speaker 1: because they can't find that thing to be grateful for.
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  Speaker 1: So really important question, and it's also beautiful to hear
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  Speaker 1: the things that they are grateful for, to hear the
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  Speaker 1: little conversations.
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  Speaker 2: Well, one of the things I love about around the
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  Speaker 2: dinner table is if you've had a hard day and
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  Speaker 2: it's hard to find something to be grateful for, listening
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  Speaker 2: to what other people are grateful for kind of triggers
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  Speaker 2: your understanding, a memory of things that may have happened
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  Speaker 2: that you could be grateful for, but because you're in
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  Speaker 2: a funk, it's hard to see them in that moment.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, what's the second question?
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  Speaker 3: What are you looking forward to?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so this follows directly on from what are you
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  Speaker 1: grateful for? And the reason this one's an important one is,
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  Speaker 1: just like gratitude helps to inoculate against depression, looking forward
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  Speaker 1: to something, being optimistic about the future, having hope that
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  Speaker 1: tomorrow is going to be a good day is a
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  Speaker 1: wonderful way to inoculate kids against anxiety if you're looking
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  Speaker 1: forward to something, So anxiety is feeling fearful or apprehensive
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  Speaker 1: or worried about what's coming in the future. And if
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  Speaker 1: you can talk to your kids about what they're looking
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  Speaker 1: forward to tomorrow, that means that any fear or apprehension
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  Speaker 1: or worry can be diminished because there are things to
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  Speaker 1: look forward to.
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  Speaker 3: Now.
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  Speaker 1: It may be that tomorrow they're going to the dentist
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  Speaker 1: and having four feelings and they're not looking forward to
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  Speaker 1: that at all. But if there is something that they're
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  Speaker 1: looking forward to, then that may be what it takes
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  Speaker 1: to help get them through the thing that they're nervous about.
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  Speaker 2: Well. I think too often what we've found is that
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  Speaker 2: our kids actually may be excited about something, but there's
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  Speaker 2: an anxiety associated with the thing that they're looking.
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  Speaker 3: Forward to you as well.
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  Speaker 1: Nervous anticipation, yeah, And so.
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  Speaker 2: Being able to have those conversation is really helpful as
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  Speaker 2: well to help them recognize that you can feel too
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  Speaker 2: completely opposite emotions in the same space and work through them.
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  Speaker 1: Up next, the final three questions to ask every night
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  Speaker 1: with your kids to help make family life a joy
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  Speaker 1: in the evenings. It's their Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, And today we're
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  Speaker 2: talking about bedtime conversations.
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  Speaker 3: Five questions that we can ask our children before they
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  Speaker 3: go to bed.
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  Speaker 1: First one, what are you grateful for? Second one, what
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  Speaker 1: are you looking forward to? What's the third one?
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  Speaker 2: This one's a great one because it's so open ended.
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  Speaker 2: But is there anything you want to talk to me about?
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  Speaker 1: Hi?
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  Speaker 2: Are you worried about anything? Is there anything that you
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  Speaker 2: just want to share with me?
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  Speaker 1: It's amazing what happens. You asked that question when the
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  Speaker 1: kids get in the car after school or when they
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  Speaker 1: walk in the door, and they kind of go, huh,
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  Speaker 1: what a bizarre question to ask. No, of course there's not.
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  Speaker 1: But once they're lying flat on their back, it's just
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  Speaker 1: beautiful what comes out of their mouths. If you can
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  Speaker 1: be patient, just lay there with them.
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  Speaker 2: We don't have this kind of routine with our older
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  Speaker 2: kids anymore. But even last night we got to a knock
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  Speaker 2: on the door.
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  Speaker 3: Lights were out, we were we were ready to just
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  Speaker 3: you know.
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  Speaker 1: The lights were literally out at what time? Was it
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  Speaker 1: like five to nine? Because I get up at four
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  Speaker 1: thirty for a bike ride, right, so I'm exhausted at
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  Speaker 1: nine o'clock.
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  Speaker 2: And i'd locked the door, so nobody came in and
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  Speaker 2: we had a knock on the door, and we're like, yes,
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  Speaker 2: what do you want? And she said, I just want
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  Speaker 2: to come in. We're like, we're going to bed, and
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  Speaker 2: she says, but I want to talk to you.
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  Speaker 1: So you got up. So I got up, opened the door.
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  Speaker 3: Unlocked the door. She came in.
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  Speaker 1: Did she talk to us? She did, and I fall asleep.
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  Speaker 1: I think I might have I do for the knock
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  Speaker 1: on the door. I have no recollection of the conversation.
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  Speaker 3: Poor kid.
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  Speaker 2: Honestly, if it's not me falling asleep in interviews, it's
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  Speaker 2: you're falling asleep when they're actually trying to connect.
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  Speaker 1: I can't believe that I just said that on the podcast. Gosh,
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  Speaker 1: you know what, I'm not perfect. I've never made any
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  Speaker 1: claims to parenting perfection. I love talking to the kids,
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  Speaker 1: but you try to talk to me at nine o'clock
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  Speaker 1: at night, it's curtains, forget it. The matchsticks can't hold
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  Speaker 1: up the what do you call these things in your
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  Speaker 1: eyes your eyelids. Yeah, the eyelids are closing no matter what.
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  Speaker 1: I can't believe I forgot what that was called as well.
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling so embarrassed. Now. Did she have a good
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  Speaker 1: conversation with us with me?
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  Speaker 3: Yes, she did, she did. But I just love it.
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  Speaker 2: And there is something wonderful about nighttime and just this
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  Speaker 2: sense of being able to open up.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, one of our favorite things to do. We've got
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  Speaker 1: a new brazier because the last one died, and we
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  Speaker 1: just throw a couple of bits of wood in there
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  Speaker 1: and light it up and sit around there and have
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  Speaker 1: a couple of marshmallows or a hot chocolate and the kids.
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  Speaker 1: The kids get real talking, don't they. They really to chat.
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  Speaker 2: The last two aren't really questions, but they're conversations that
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  Speaker 2: are wonderful ways to end your day.
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  Speaker 1: Sure.
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  Speaker 2: The first one is if there's been anything in the
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  Speaker 2: day that hasn't gone so well, an apology, you know,
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  Speaker 2: acknowledging we got it wrong today and I'm really sorry
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  Speaker 2: for the part that I played in it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, one of my favorite things is to apologize to
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  Speaker 1: my kids. I know that that sounds really weird, but
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  Speaker 1: I just love it. I love being able to sit
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  Speaker 1: with the kids and say I'm flawed, I'm full of mistakes.
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  Speaker 1: I fell asleep on your last night when you were
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  Speaker 1: trying to talk to me, when you intrude it into
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  Speaker 1: my bedroom at nine o'clock. I'm really sorry about that.
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  Speaker 1: Would you like to talk to me? There's just something
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  Speaker 1: that draws you closer when you have the opportunity to
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  Speaker 1: repair through asking forgiveness and apologizing. Not that I'm suggesting
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  Speaker 1: that parents should be doing that never endingly, Like we
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  Speaker 1: don't want to be relentlessly repenting of our relationship ruptures,
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  Speaker 1: but when there has been one, we need to and
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  Speaker 1: the nighttime seems to be a really nice time to
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  Speaker 1: do it, so that the next morning everyone wakes up
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  Speaker 1: and they feel close.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. I love that.
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  Speaker 2: I just I think there's something beautiful about it. And
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  Speaker 2: the last one is just those endearing acknowledgments of love.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, those three magic words, I love you, gosh, thanks, honey.
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  Speaker 1: You know I say this all the time that they
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  Speaker 1: are the three second most important words that our kids
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  Speaker 1: need to hear.
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  Speaker 3: The last who are No matter what.
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  Speaker 1: That's three words. You know. There's four kinds of people
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  Speaker 1: in the world, those who can count and those who can't. Ah, really,
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  Speaker 1: I love you no matter what, even if you can't
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  Speaker 1: do maths, I'm still crazy about you. And kids just
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  Speaker 1: love hearing that. In fact, the soppier and the cheesy
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  Speaker 1: you can be, especially when they're young, the better.
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  Speaker 2: My favorite, all time favorite bedtime story is Guess how
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  Speaker 2: much I Love you?
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  Speaker 1: Sam Bradney.
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  Speaker 3: The kids just.
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  Speaker 2: Love trying to come up with a bigger concept of love.
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  Speaker 1: I love you infinity, I love you to the moon.
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  Speaker 3: I like you difinity plus infinity.
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  Speaker 1: That's right, infinity time, infinity. Brilliant stuff. So we hope
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  Speaker 1: that those five conversations are helpful for creating some nighttime
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  Speaker 1: nurture in your home tonight. The quick recap, What are
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: you grateful for? What are you looking forward to?
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  Speaker 2: Is there anything you want to talk to me about.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sorry and I love you, and don't forget there
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  Speaker 2: has to be an abundance of snuggles.
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  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, We really hope you enjoyed the podcasts today.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. Oh, by the way, it's
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: been a wile since I've mentioned this, but we just
• 12:28
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• 12:32
  Speaker 1: and ratings make all the difference in terms of helping
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: us to know that you're loving the podcast, but also
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: getting the podcast out to other people.
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: We got the best one the other day.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Fill me in. I must have missed it.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: I love this podcast. I find myself giggling out loud
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: many times. It feels like I'm having a coffee with
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: friends and a good laugh over parenting fails.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: Oh, every time we get it wrong, everyone feels better.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: I love I learned so much from this podcast. Thank you.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Oh that's great? Who is from? That was from? I
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: can't read it from here?
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: R Lee?
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: Well, thank you Kiara Lee. So again, those podcasts, ratings
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: and reviews help people to find the podcast to make
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: their family happier. We really appreciate it when you do that.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: The podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: and Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd like
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: more information about how to make your family happier and
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: you don't think the podcast is enough, you can find
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: everything you need at happy families dot com dot a