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Turn On The News: The Purge · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_03: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin direct via
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: satellite from our on-the-spot task force.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_03: No sports, no rock, no information.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_03: For mindless chatter, we're your station.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: Stand by for news.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: News on the mark.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: Newsroom in New York.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: Newsroom.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: You have tuned in Turn on the News,
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: the weekly newscast from the radio network,
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: with all the radio coverage of the radio.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now with computerized news readers,
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: with fewer meddling humans,
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: and more aggregated reporting and automated music.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Tune in Turn on the News each week for the latest news,
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: radio art,
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: and more from our robot reporters,
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: making sure you hear both sides good and evil every time you turn on the news.
• 0:55
  No, we can't.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: Husker Du.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_03: You think JD Vance likes Husker Du?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: Why does everything have to be so weird?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: These are dangerous times.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_03: Something terrible is going to happen.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Early voting has now begun in several states across the country,
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: and Donald Trump just yesterday tried a double backflip of logical thought.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: At a campaign event,
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: he first urged supporters to cast their ballots early and then immediately called
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: it stupid.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: You can start right away, you know that, right?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Early voting has begun in many states across the country,
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: and Donald J.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Trump believes everyone casting an early vote is a low IQ individual.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: So get out there and vote early, especially if you are idiots.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: Voting any time between right now and November 4th makes you a frickin' moron.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: I'm Donald Trump, and vote for me, you dumb bastards.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to tonight's presidential debate.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm Randy Elizabeth Rainbow.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: We have asked both candidates to prepare 16 bars of an uptempo and a ballad,
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_03: as well as a comedic monologue.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_03: No question has been shared with either campaign,
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_03: and per his celebrity writer,
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_03: a panic button has been installed in Mr.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_03: Trump's podium in case he gets scared.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: And now the completely fair and unbiased questions.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_03: Vice President Kamala Harris.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: I love your blouse.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: Where'd you get it?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: Let's talk about this.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: What she says is an absolute lie.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, so sorry.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_03: Mr. Former Fake President Girl, sir, you have been critical of your opponent's immigration record.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_03: Would you care to elaborate by making up some crazy-ass bullshit?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_03: Crime is down all over the world except here.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of towns don't want to talk about it because they're so embarrassed by it.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, no, please don't.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: In Springfield... Oh, God, he's gonna... They're eating the dogs, the people that came in.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating the cats.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating... Can someone call me an Uber?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating the pets.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: of the people that live there and this is what's happening in our country you're
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_03: still talking don't know why you say so many stupid ass things ain't it nutty how
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: you buy thought we fired you but oh my god you're still here must we do this year
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_02: after year you give me diarrhea
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_03: petty nonsense faceless claims immigrants eating puppies and geese pushing garbage
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: playing games got more tall tales than they whoopsies hey girl you okay do you
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_03: believe a word you say can't we stop this charade because we've been trying to
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: ditch you for damn near a decade is this friggin guy for real y'all psychologically
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: he's defying
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: Sure,
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: his rally clouds are real small But so is his tiny mind Had enough of both these
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: black jobs Baiting the far-right fringe Spouting off on cats and black jobs Could
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: they be more cringe?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: And it's gonna be November And he's gonna demand recounts He'll start accusing his contenders
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala!
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: Now she wants to do transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_03: And you can't golf or shit,
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: oh no Screaming,
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: sweating,
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: farting,
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: ew You can sure make a stomach turn Really stage another kill Sorry Donald,
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: please pardon me if I start to yell I'm so tired of this old con But we can't wait
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_03: till you're gone Cause honey,
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_03: you're a schmuck and you sound like a moron So this won't be November,
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_03: November
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_03: And we're gonna get the final say Better get your act together Or he's gonna take
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: your rights away Got our foreign rival Bruton He'd be their Christmas gift Cause he
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: loves Kim Jong and Putin But hates Taylor Swift Doesn't care about the law His
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: criminality's off the scale Send him back to Mar-a-Lago
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: Another lie.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: He's got a personality disorder.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: Is this fucking guy for real, y'all?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so bored of his washed up shtick.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_03: Sure, his rally cars are real small, but so is his tiny hand.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: He's got himself a fierce opponent.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: He can't pronounce her name.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: He's a narcissistic weirdo unqualified
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating the pets.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: Please don't.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_03: In a series of incoherent campaign appearances over the weekend,
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump claimed,
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_03: among other things,
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: that migrants are stronger than Hollywood actors and that he has a better beach
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_03: body than Joe Biden.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: You know he's been calling on Democrats to dial down the rhetoric?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: I guess that only applies to them.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala is mentally impaired.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: Joe Biden became mentally impaired.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala was born that way.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: She was born that way.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_03: And if you think about it,
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: only a mentally disabled person could have allowed this to happen to our country.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: Anybody would know this.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: What a lovely individual he is.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: You'd think he'd be more sensitive considering he has two sons who are mentally impaired.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: He really is, I have to say, I think he's flailing right now.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: He said so much crazy stuff this weekend.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: He said he wanted to close the Department of Education.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_03: He again claimed he won the debate by a lot.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_03: He threatened to prosecute Google because he believes they show bad search results about him.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: He said the people you see leaving his rallies, it looks like they're leaving.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: They're not really leaving.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: He complained that Fox News shouldn't be allowed to show Kamala Harris speaking.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: He rambled more about Kamala Harris
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: not working at McDonald's.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: He referred to migrants as animals.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: He suggested that the way to end crime would be to have one really violent day,
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: one rough hour that would solve everything,
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_03: like the purge.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: We have to let the police do their job.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_03: And if they have to be extraordinarily rough, if you had one day, like one real rough, nasty day with the
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: drug stores as an example they have to be taught now if you had one really violent
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: day one rough hour and i mean real rough the word will get out and it will end
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: immediately did did he just suggest the purge for stealing from cvs
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: If that doesn't work, I have other ideas.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, we put all the shoplifters on a bus with Keanu Reeves.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: If it goes slower than 50 miles an hour, blammo.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Or how about this?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: We take all the criminals, we sew their mouths to the other criminal's butts.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: We put them in a long line.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's called a human justice pede.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: And if that fails, we take all the shoplifters, we cram them in a wardrobe, a big one.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: Behind the coats is a magical land with a lamppost and some goat guy.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: And all the criminals get mauled by the Jesus lion.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: For one hour.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: Don't worry, everyone.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: The panic room is completely secure.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: We'll be safe from the purge as long as we keep the door closed.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, oh, God, there's a fly in here.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: Aye, aye, flies!
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: Let's just open the door real quick and get the fly out.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_03: Trump also said a lot of scary stuff,
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: that it was really too gloomy to play here and maybe even too gloomy to play there,
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: because here he is in Wisconsin catching himself mid-buzz stomp.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: Our country is being destroyed.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: This is the worst president and the worst vice president in history.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: And... You got to get out and vote.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't this a wonderful and inspiring speech?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_03: I got people sitting in the front row, they're going, oh, my God.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just saying, this is a dark, this is a dark speech.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: He's now so paranoid and his brain is so fried from the constant intake of Fox News
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: and KSC and the unrelenting power of the sun that now he seems to think flies are
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: buzzing around his head for suspicious reasons.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: Remember, there's a hat that's made that sells like crazy.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, there's a fly.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I wonder where the fly came from.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: See?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: Two years ago, I wouldn't have had a fly up here.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: Oh,
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: man,
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: I can't believe a fly showed up and distracted him just as he was telling that
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: awesome hat story.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm sorry, two years ago, I wouldn't have had a fly up here?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: What's changed in the last two years?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: Because you also weren't president two years ago.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_03: Did he hear someone say the CIA has been bugging him and think that's what they meant?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: Crooked Joe is using the deep state to spy on me.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_03: They've got bugs, little bugs with microphones.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: They record everything you say.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, Trump's obsession with seeing bugs and talking about bugs is nothing new.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: He was down like 18 or 19 points after the debate.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: I hate mosquitoes.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: I'm surprised.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't think we had.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: We don't like those mosquitoes running around.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: We want nothing to do with them.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: Is radical left?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_03: It reminds me of this fly that's driving me crazy up here.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: This fly is brutal.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: I don't like flies.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know you had flies in Iowa.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_03: I hate flies.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_03: If anyone in your life had, like, a weekend like this, you'd be concerned.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like, if your dad had a series of similar outbursts, you'd call your siblings to figure out what to do.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: And every time he goes too far,
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: his Republicans,
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: they say,
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: I just wish he would stick to policy.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: Well, he doesn't.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: He never has, and he never will.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_03: He doesn't care about policy.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: He doesn't.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_03: He cares about...
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: He cares about how unfairly he's treated and why hairspray sucks and the Mar-a-Lago showerheads.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's what he cares about.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: We're five weeks out from the election, and Trump is talking about this.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_03: They have a phone app so that people can come into our country.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: These are smart immigrants,
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: I guess,
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: because most people don't have any idea what the hell a phone app is.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like we do.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like we have a pretty good...
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_03: You have to understand,
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: to Trump,
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: an app is the mozzarella sticks he eats before he eats the other mozzarella sticks.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: And these comments, by the way, they aren't written out for him.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: They're off the cuff.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: Why didn't she do it?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_03: You know, she's been here almost four years.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going to do this.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going to do that.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_03: Reading off a teleprompter.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't it nice to have a president that doesn't need a teleprompter?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: And let's go ahead and circle this.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: Only Donald Trump.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: would say he doesn't need a teleprompter while reading off two teleprompters.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_03: Or maybe those are sneeze guards he bought when the Sizzler in Palm Beach went out of business.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_03: And then for the large community of blue collar workers who showed up to see him in Erie,
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_03: Pennsylvania,
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_03: he shared this charming and relatable nugget.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_03: I know a lot about overtime.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'd hated to give overtime.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: I hated it.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'd get other people, I shouldn't say this, but I'd get other people in, I wouldn't pay, I hated.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: And don't get me started on maternity leave.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: I got to say, every time Trump talks about workers, it's like watching a Christmas carol in reverse.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: So if you go to one of Trump's rallies,
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_03: this is where you're getting a mumbling,
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_03: meandering weirdo implying that even the flies are out to get him.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_03: Either that or he's bragging about, and this is new, his beach body for some reason.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: I could have been sunbathing on the beach.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_03: You have never seen a body so beautiful.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_03: Much better than... Much better than Sleepy Joe.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: Trump only knows how to entertain his audience or frighten them, and he's failing at the former.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: In fact,
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: he's so desperate that he's now mumbling unintelligibly about how migrants are so
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: strong there are no actors who could play them in movies or something.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_03: See if you can make sense of any of this.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: Even his audience seems completely baffled.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: These are rough, vicious, rougher than anything you can imagine.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: There is no, and I say it all the time,
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_03: If you wanted to do a movie on some of these people that you're going to be looking
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_03: at in two minutes,
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_03: if you wanted to do a movie,
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_03: there's no actor in Hollywood that could play the role.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: There's nobody that could.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_03: These actors, you know, they're a little bit shaky.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_03: They can't play the role.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_03: They'll bring in a big actor and you look, you say, oh, he's got no muscle content.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_03: He's got no muscle.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_03: We need a little muscle.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: Then they bring in another one.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_03: But he's got a weak face.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_03: He looks weak.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_03: Now, these guys have the whole package, unfortunately, for our country.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: Even Trump's own crowd seem to be losing interest in his rambling and coherent rants.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_03: The guy's been in the national spotlight for 10 years,
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: and somehow it's getting harder to make sense of the words that come out of his
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_03: mouth on a daily basis.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_03: His speeches have no substantive content, no policy content, and certainly no... -...muscle content.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_02: I will get rid of unnecessary decree requirements for federal jobs.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: Low and no interest loans to small businesses.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: Expand the tax deduction for startups to $50,000.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_02: $6,000 in tax relief to families during the first year of a child's life.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_02: Capital gains will be 28%.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: First of all, she can't do an interview.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: She could never do this interview because you ask questions like give me a specific answer.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_03: She talks about her lawn when she was growing up.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_03: This woman is not equipped to be president.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_03: She's not equipped to deal with President Xi,
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: who I was very I took in hundreds of billions of dollars with him and Putin.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: We had no war with Putin.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: If you win in November.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: Can you commit to prioritizing legislation to make child care affordable?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, what specific piece of legislation will you advance?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I would do that.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: And we're sitting down,
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_03: I was somebody we had Senator Marco Rubio and my daughter Ivanka was so impactful
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: on that issue.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: It's a very important issue.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I'm talking about, that because
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: Look, childcare is childcare.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: Now,
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: we could let the tape continue where he says we will pay for childcare with the
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_03: trillions we're going to receive by levying tariffs on foreign nations,
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_03: which apparently isn't how that works,
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: but...
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_02: Political opponents are saying that you want to ban IVF.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_02: Those who are watching here tonight who may be going through this same struggle and
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_02: are concerned about being able to have this option,
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_02: and I'd love for you to talk to them about...
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_02: how they should feel.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: Life is pretty tough.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_03: It can be beautiful, but it can be difficult.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_03: We are doing something with IVF because IVF,
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: as you know from friends,
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_03: people you know,
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: it's really worked out very well for a lot of people.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_03: It gave them a child when they would not have had a child.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: I told my people I wanted to look at this a couple of weeks ago.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: And as you know, we have no taxes on a thing called tips.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_03: You know that.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: What the actual are you talking about?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: How do you want people to feel about IVF?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I have no taxes on a thing called tips.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_03: I get it now.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: So you see, IVF fertilizes an egg with a sperm, and sperm comes from a penis, and a penis has a tip.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_03: So... I can only assume Donald Trump is talking about circumcision, which... Jews call attacks on tips.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_03: All right, let's move on.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_03: I think Asian American people are going to vote for President Trump because they
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: know he's the guy who will defend their right to speak.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_03: We are aligned with each other on other key issues like protecting freedom of speech.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, I get it now.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_03: So it's not really a policy case for Trump.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's a principal case for Trump.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: The man, no matter what is said about him, he believes in the Bill of Rights, the Constitution.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: The government should never punish speech, even if you don't like the speech.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: Mr.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: Trump saying publicly the FCC should revoke ABC's license over unfounded claims
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_03: about ABC News allegedly rigging the presidential debate.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: Former President Trump says that he will deport students who participate in pro-Palestinian protests.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Donald Trump said that anyone who criticizes the Supreme Court justices should be arrested and jailed.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump earlier today said, you burned the American flag, you should get a year behind bars.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: During the 2024 campaign,
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: Trump has been,
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: quote,
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: venting about the need to punish late night comedians for their anti-Trump material.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_03: People just like that, that honesty of Donald Trump.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: He tells it like it is.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_03: A man of his word.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_03: He's a truth teller.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_03: Are you kidding me right now?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_03: Are you kidding me right now?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: He is a true killer.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating the dogs.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, and by the way, they're eating the cats.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_03: Anything else?
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating the pets of the people that live there.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_03: And so we find ourselves not in a dilemma, but in a bit of a conundrum.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_03: The qualities and policies that people profess to be what they admire and love
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_03: about former President Trump don't seem to be an accurate reflection of said former president.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: It's as though they've created a fictional character,
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: a bizarro Trump,
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: whose accomplishments and character bear little resemblance to the
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: self-aggrandizing perpetual victim guy he continues to tell you explicitly that he is.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_03: It makes you wonder, what country does Donald Trump think he's running to lead?
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_03: Our cities have already become hellholes, a crime-ridden, gang-infested, terror-filled...
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: dumping ground, bloodshed, chaos, and violent crime.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: A deluge of illegals pouring in by the millions and millions.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_03: Drug dealers,
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: human traffickers,
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_03: bloodthirsty terrorists,
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: savage gang members,
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_03: pedophiles,
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: stone cold killers.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_03: You can't walk across the street to get a loaf of bread, you get shot.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: Teenagers cut to shreds.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_03: They'll walk into your kitchen, they'll cut your throat.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, wait.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: I see.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: This fictional Trump,
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_03: who is portrayed as much better than he actually is,
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_03: is running to be president of a country he paints as much worse than it actually is.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: But I gotta tell you,
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_03: whatever country that is,
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: where families are routinely murdered several times while making breakfast,
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: could really use actual Donald Trump.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: The rest of us...
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: Hello, everyone.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_03: It's your favorite president, Donald J. Trump, here to introduce something really special.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: I think you're going to love it.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: My new Trump watches.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_03: We're doing quite a number with watches, and the quality, to me, is very important.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's almost as important as ripping you off is important.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_03: But please, please, Rolex Luther, go on.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: the Trump Victory tourbillon.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_03: This isn't just any watch.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_03: It's one of the best watches made.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's a tourbillon watch with almost 200 grams of gold and more than 100 real diamonds.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_03: That's a lot of diamonds.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_03: I love gold.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_03: I love diamonds.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: We all do.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: I don't.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: Never owned a diamond in my life.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_03: Never will.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: But, man, he will slap his name on anything at all.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_03: Doesn't matter what it is.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump watches.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump coins.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump Jr.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: Any garbage they hand him, he will put his name on it for a dollar.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: The watches may look cheap, but they're selling them for $100,000 a piece.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_03: Only 147 of these extraordinary watches will ever exist in the world,
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: and owning one puts you in a very exclusive club.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: I have watch number one, and I'm going to keep it.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_03: It's mine, and that's the way I want to have it.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: Just try to pry it out of my cold little baby doll-sized hands.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_03: I dare you.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_03: I think,
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know,
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_03: maybe I'm just totally off base,
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: but I feel like he may be overestimating the demand for a $100,000 Donald Trump watch.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_03: Let me see if I have this straight.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: The Biden economy is such a mess, people can't afford to buy apples.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: They can't afford a $100,000 Trump watch.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_03: Every day on the radio Somebody shoots some guy he don't even know Airplanes are
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_03: falling out of the sky A baby is born and a number one dies I was filled with
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_03: refugees now God's just finding out about disease With all this upside up pushing
• 25:18
  and shoving Keeps us away from who we're loving
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_03: Husker-doo.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_03: Huh!
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_03: I do like Husker-doo.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_03: You think JD Vance likes Husker-doo?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_03: JD seems like a Husker-dope.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for the songs in episode 185 from Husker Du, Randy Rainbow, Lady Gaga, and Wire.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: And thanks for the clips and excerpts from Brianna Kalar,
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: The Late Show,
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: Donald Drumpf,
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: Jimmy Kimmel,
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: Stephen Colbert,
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: Seth Meyers,
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: Kamala Harris,
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: Tulsi Gabbard,
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: Robert Kennedy,
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: Jr.,
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: Jonathan Lemire,
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: and Nicole Wallace.