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How to Question Your Assumptions Without Judging Yourself · The Inspired Speaker Network

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  You are listening to The Awakening Woman on the Rise. If you are a woman who is seeking to live
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  a more authentic life but are feeling not enough to step out fully just yet, you are in the right
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  place. If you are a woman who is looking to live your personal truth and make the impact you truly
• 0:21
  desire, you are in the right place. I'm your host, Wendy Yitbossi. Let's step out in this together.
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  So welcome to session two and I have a wonderful surprise for you and that is that I am joined by
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  a very good friend and colleague, Danielle Benson, and we are discussing day-to-day topics
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  that not only come up for us but I bet they come up for you too. So I invite you to listen to each
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  episode, see what sparks for you and take it from there. Welcome to Wisdom Wednesdays with
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  Wendy and Danielle. Wendy, I'm so excited to be here again. How cool is this? Oh, I know. I'm
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  so happy to be here. I love our time together and I love what anyone can get from it because
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  we kind of all go through the same stuff, don't you think, Danielle? I do and this is why it's
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  so cool because every time we have a conversation, I'm like, oh, I have felt this. I've had similar
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  conversations to this with other people this week or last week or I will have in the future
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  and it's just so cool to see how we're all growing together and we're all experiencing
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  the same things but in different ways with different perspectives but there's a through
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  line of humanity underneath it all, I think. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. So just before
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  we started recording, you were telling me about an experience that you had on a call
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  where you were a participant in a call, right? You were a student in a call? Yes, that's right. Can you
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  share for the audience, for the listeners, what you were telling me? Yeah, so I was on a program
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  that was called Decide, Do, Done. The title is very attractive and very triggering in some ways
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  so I was excited to be on the call. Who doesn't want to decide better? I should speak for myself
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  and do, actually. I want things to be done. That's what I want. Yeah, right. Yeah.
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  Yeah, as opposed to done is better than perfect or not as opposed to? Yes, done is better than
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  perfect, for sure. So I was there, obviously, to learn. I wanted to make a shift in myself
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  and the facilitator was recording. It was an hour 15 minute class and so we were getting to share
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  when we were ready or whatever we wanted, which is all fine and good, but where I kind of tripped
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  over myself was in the replay. I watched myself. Normally, I'm afraid to watch, but because I
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  promised to answer some testimonial questions and to give a testimonial, I had to watch it again,
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  so I made sure I was on track. Danielle, I can't believe what I saw. It was like,
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  I looked like a person that was kind of writhing in pain, trying to get clear, trying to make sense
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  and trying to not look stupid or whatever I was afraid of. I just started spiraling
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  when I was watching it, thinking, I just know that the next time I speak up in the replay,
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  they're going to go, oh no, she's going to talk again. I can't take it. It hurts too much.
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  It was tough. I certainly worked my way through it and went through with my commitment and was
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  honest about that, but it really kind of put a stick in the spokes of the wheel
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  in terms of thinking, is this what I look like when I'm talking to people? Oh no, Danielle, help.
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  Yeah. And my obvious answer was no, that has not been my experience of you. However,
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  I have had the opportunity to see you as a student because we have worked together
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  and I am very well aware of how I show up as a student and I do think there is a huge difference
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  between the way we show up when we are there for ourselves, when we're there to work on ourselves,
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  to absorb the content. And when I say selfish, I mean, in a good way, like in a way that you're
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  working on yourself, you are there to absorb and to process and to take the material and take it
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  seriously. Whereas when you're a facilitator, your job is to look after the room, which is
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  completely different. When you're a student, your job is to look after yourself and to do the work.
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  When you're a facilitator, your job is to look after the room and make sure everyone is safe
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  and they're getting what they need. And so the way you show up as a student is going to be,
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  and I love what you said, like someone writhing in pain. Obviously you are processing something,
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  you know, and that's great. That's what you want. You want to be getting something out of that work.
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  You know, you want to be doing work. If you took a triggering course and spent the whole time on
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  the surface level going, everything's fine. I'm okay. Then maybe you would be more pleasant to
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  on the call, but you wouldn't get anything out of it.
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  You know, Danielle, I love what you're saying because just because it was different, like,
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  I guess if I thought about it, I probably had an assumption that that everyone on the call
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  is working on it, but I kind of got the impression that they had it all figured out,
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  you know, and, and so I felt really vulnerable in my unclarity, but yet my, my striving to,
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  to say it in a way that I could understand it well enough to grow from it. And maybe that
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  was part of the discomfort, assuming that everyone's like me.
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  Well, and that beautiful courage to be vulnerable and to let yourself,
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  you know, really confront, confront, confront the content, you know, letting yourself do that.
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  And maybe they were further along, maybe they weren't as far along. You don't know,
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  you don't know what's going on with them. But it also reminds me, and I, I, I am embarrassed to
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  say that a lot of my favorite wise quotes come from Facebook, but one of those things that goes
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  around on Facebook saying, you know, don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's
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  highlight reel, because you are very aware of what's going on internally. You are very aware
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  of your tells, you know what to look for, you know yourself intimately, whereas you don't know
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  them intimately, and you are only seeing the face that they present to you. And so comparing your
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  internal experience to their external portrayal is extremely unjust.
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  Yeah, I want you to repeat something to everyone listening. Remind me the fish story.
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  I told you, when you told me this the first time, I told you not to compare not to judge
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  not to judge a fish by how well he can climb a tree, which is a paraphrasing of a quote,
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  I can't remember who it's by it might be. It's someone extremely famous on equality versus
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  egality. You know, like, you can't you got to judge people per their abilities, not per if
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  everyone is judged by the same standard, that's not actually equality kind of thing is where that
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  comes from. It's a whole lot. But it applies because you were you were judging your ability
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  to facilitate by the way you showed us up as a participant. And those are totally completely
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  different things. And the context is different. And you should be showing up differently in
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  different contexts. That's what context is for. That's, that's so freeing. It really is for me.
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  It's, um, you know, I'm not really sure how this relates. I'm curious your thoughts, Danielle. But
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  I had another experience. Sorry, yesterday. What are you sorry for? Oh, did you hit your mic? Yeah.
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  I had another experience yesterday with a group that I met with, that we're all equals in.
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  And this group has a particular intention, which is to
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  support each other where we need someone to believe for us that which we cannot yet believe
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  for ourselves. And I, my God, speaking of assumptions and expectations, and I just found
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  myself, and it's not wrong to have a meeting, be what the meeting is for. But this group, who each
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  one is a beautiful individual, talk about everything but intention. And we got on the call
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  at seven, most of us, and 825, which is normally when we stop, somebody suggested someone would
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  maybe you'd like an intention for that. And I kind of like lost it. And in the most diplomatic
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  way that I could possibly say that it's 825. I know, nobody wants to be in a meeting with me.
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  But no, but to just say, I realized in thinking about it after because I did say to the group
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  after I said, I apologize if I sounded harsh about time, and more needed to be said. But
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  it wasn't really time or right for it to say we did go through with the intention and it was good.
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  But I thought about it after and I thought, you know, Wendy, it was like when I was teaching
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  aerobics. I thought I assumed I'm going to use that word because it's sneaky and insidious in
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  some ways. It's very subtle. Right? Yes, exactly. So when I was teaching aerobics,
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  some years ago, I just assumed that everyone coming to that class wanted to not only tone
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  their body, feel better about how they look, maybe feel better about themselves to learn
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  about exercise, that was probably even more key. And I became so disappointed. Because I think it's
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  and it's not that they didn't do the, you know, the the exercising, they do the exercising,
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  but I came to realize that not everyone is there for the same reason that I am some of them just
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  wanted to get out of the house. Some of them just want a social time. And, and so I was thinking
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  about that with with this group. We meet once a month, which is not often, really, but so it's
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  kind of like more, more, more catch up. And, you know, and I'm thinking, okay, and actually, what
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  triggered me is one of the participants said, when she asked this person that maybe they'd like an
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  intention for that, she said, because after all, that's why we're here. And that was the springboard
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  for me. Yes, that is why we're here. What's going on? Yeah, I think it'd be good to look at assumption.
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  I think that's, well, I think there's two things there. There's the assumptions that the assumption
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  that, you know, other people are doing what we're doing for the same reasons that we're doing it,
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  which, you know, is usually not true. And there's a lot of, you know, people used to drive me nuts
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  about going to a community center gym, as you know, I was there to work out. And there's all
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  these people who are just standing on the machines or sitting on the machines chatting,
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  because they're just there for social time. So, you know, everyone's there for different reasons,
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  and that's okay. But I think that's where setting expectations and communication styles really come
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  in, because everyone's going to kind of assume, without the data to confront that, everyone's
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  going to kind of assume that everyone else wants what they want. So maybe the other people in the
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  call were assuming that everyone wanted to catch up, and you were assuming that everyone wanted
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  to set the intentions. And this is where we kind of bump up against each other. And I know we're
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  not talking about facilitation. This is not a coaching session. However, as a facilitator,
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  that is one of the most important things to do is set the intentions, set expectations
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  for a meeting, so that everyone's on the same page. So if the group is all equal, it's a bit
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  difficult. But you could have a leader, like have a different leader every month.
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  And this person is in charge of leading the meeting this week, and this person is in charge
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  of leading the meeting the next week. So you know that when Judy runs the meeting,
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  it's going to be more chitchat. But when Carol runs the meeting, it's going to be on time.
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  You know, at least there's that. Or, you know, as a participant, I mean, you do have a responsibility.
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  You want to respect your time and their time. And there's nothing wrong with calling people out,
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  not in a mean way, but just saying, hey, I noticed we spent a lot of time catching up.
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  The original intention of this group was to set intentions. What if we have a half hour catch up
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  afterwards? Or, you know, for those who want to, or something like that. So it always, for me,
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  those kind of things, and I think it's because I bump up against this in my relationships so much.
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  You know, assuming that someone feels a certain way. And then when you talk to them about it,
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  that's never what's going on. It's like, oh, you're stomping around, because you're mad at
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  me about blah, and really, I don't know if they've got a stomachache or something. And
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  you're like, oh, I don't even know. You know, so these, the communication is so important,
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  because I think we bump up against each other's assumptions. And we think we know what's going on
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  in someone else's head. But we don't, we don't know. What do you think about that?
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  I think that is so true. Like, I think, making assumptions is,
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  is one of the, in a way, one of the most challenging things to be aware of,
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  because I know that when I was growing up, I certainly wasn't taught to ask for clarification.
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  I wasn't taught to share what I feel and say, what do you feel? I wasn't, it wasn't kind of
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  part of the upbringing. It was kind of like, I don't know exactly what it was. I know that that
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  wasn't part of it. And so it's like, you know, in terms of, you know, people, as a minister,
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  one of the things I was doing previously was I was doing premarital coaching. So these are the
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  Mm hmm. So these are the questions that people ideally would be talking to each other about,
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  but for whatever reasons don't. And so bringing them up premaritally,
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  at least gives them the opportunity to, to look at these things. What am I assuming about this
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  person? How do they react when they're hurting or in pain? Or, you know, kind of like, what,
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  what can I expect to go through that? I know, but you know, what I found is that the young ones
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  didn't think they needed it. Because maybe when I say a different value system, their focus is more
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  on the wedding, you know, or more on life together. And I'm not saying those aren't good things. Those
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  are wonderful things. And the older, older people that that I married, I don't know, they they kind
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  of had it a bit more together, or they maybe didn't think they needed it. But I just find that
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  it's a it's a tough thing. We talked about facing facing these kind of things. And what if what if
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  they say something that is really important, and that I can't handle, you know, or, you know, like
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  child raising, or destroying that out of because, because we're all so different way. And we were
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  probably all raised differently. And so we have different values or not. So the all of that to
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  just say, is that asking for clarity, really finding out what is it that you expect from this?
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  What is it that you want from this? What do you hope for from this? Because those are key things.
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  Otherwise, you come up with what I came up with with yesterday. It's not that we haven't talked about
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  it before. But here's another important point is that sometimes you have to bring it up more than
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  once, not as a nag. Yeah. Let's see. Remember when we were chatting? And you know, awareness? Yes,
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  let's just revisit. But would you agree, Danielle? Do you think it's important?
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  Yeah. And I think that's why you have to set expectations at the beginning, even if you think
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  everyone's on the same page, because you can't reference, you can't reference us all having the
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  same expectations of being on the same page, if you haven't set that up. Yeah, so you know, you can
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  surface it. But if you're kind of halfway through and like, well, I thought this was kind of the
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  reason we're here. That's not nearly as strong as getting everyone to be in agreement first. And
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  then if someone goes off the rails, we can say, hey, we did agree this. Yeah. Are we are we are
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  we making an intentional, you know, tangent from this for a specific reason? Or do we want to get
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  back on track? And it does making everything intentional, I feel is the answer. I loved you
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  just you said something that really struck me. And I think every relationship ever should go
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  through. I know no one ever thinks they need counseling. But I think every human being does.
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  None of us think we do what we all do, just to make ourselves more self aware. But it made me think
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  what you were saying made me think of, it's kind of like at some point, we stop learning. And I
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  don't know what this is called. But you know, when when when infants are, are learning that they are
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  separate from the outside world, you know, oh, there's an internal experience and an external
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  experience. And that doesn't happen straight away. Like there's a wild, there's a wild where the
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  child thinks that everything, well, the infant thinks that everything around them is an extension
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  of themselves. And then they learn, there's me and there's other and there's that kind of
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  separation, that differentiation. And then we kind of go through that again, in teenagehood a little
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  bit more. And then we just kind of think it's done, which I think is the silliest thing, because
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  we're constantly needing to remind ourselves that our internal experience and the external world are
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  not the same. And it's, you know, if we just made more of a habit of that, of interrogating that a
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  little bit more, maybe we'd all be a little bit smarter, and happier, because we know what was
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  going on.
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  Well, that's right. It's almost like it frees up the space to move forward. You know, I think about
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  facilitation, Danielle, and when when we're, when we're facilitating a class or a program, one of
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  the things that is important to do is to set the ground rules beforehand, right? So and one of those
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  ground rules being what is it that you expect from this, this workshop or this program or whatever?
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  And, and I think that, that that is that how we can keep on on track with that. So I really value what
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  you're saying. And, and, you know, in some ways, one could look like, what's that terminology, the
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  front end is kind of heaviest, but it eases out as you go. Otherwise, it's later in the beginning, and
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  then the back end gets heavy, so to speak.
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  Whoa, we don't want a heavy back end.
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  I know, no, no, no, we don't want a heavy back end.
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  But I think you're right. I think that I think that's accurate. And it's not like that we have to
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  be a stickler, you know, we don't need to sacrifice, you know, someone's feelings or something, but to
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  make it intentional. So because we've set the ground rules, if we decide to deviate, we can all do that
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  intentionally. And go, you know what, we were going to talk about this, but this big thing has
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  come up. So we're going to put that aside, and we're going to talk about this big thing. But then at
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  least everyone's still on the same page. You know, it's not that you have to stick to the original
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  intention, because sometimes, you know, life happens, whatever. But at least then everyone knows
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  what's going on.
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  Yeah, I love that, Danielle. And make it sound easy.
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  Nothing is easy.
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  Seriously, I've got a question for you, or like a statement and then a question. I must admit that I
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  don't often say it out loud. Sometimes I can tend toward perfectionism, but not perfection for the
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  sake of I'm the best thing since sliced bread. But if I want to get somewhere, I need to be not just
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  clear, but I need to be doing what gets me there. And when you were sharing, just now, it reminded me
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  of, I think I went there with what I said. I mean, with this group, it was kind of like, I'm here for
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  this. I didn't say this. These weren't my words. But I'm thinking, I'm here for this. This is what I
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  want. It needs to be this way, or I don't want it.
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  That's totally okay. You know, if you need to opt out of a group, because it's not what you signed up
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  for. What's wrong with that?
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  I guess I feel like I'm not being open minded. I, you know, that I'm being too strict and rigid and,
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  but maybe not leaving. I mean, maybe. Yeah.
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  Life is short. I've had to make a lot of these decisions recently about things that I that I enjoy
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  and that I would like to do. But I only have so much time. And so there's things that you would like to
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  do. You'd like to be there for people. And we have to prioritize. There are some people that you're
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  like, you know, I'm not getting a lot out of this, but I really want to be here for these people. And
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  it's important to me. So I'm going to be here. And there are some things where you said yes, because
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  you had a certain expectation, it turned into something else. And now you're feeling obligated.
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  Life's too short for obligation. If you're intentionally making the choice, I am being here
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  because I want to serve these people. That's one thing. But if you're just kind of doing it, because
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  you said you would, and now it's changed. Life's too short. That's what I think.
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  I love that, Danielle. And I think that a lot of people deal with that personally in business, like,
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  you know, it's like one of the one of the participants last night in the meeting was saying
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  about how he felt like there, he didn't really have any control. And I said, my suggestion was, this
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  was before the kafafo. My suggestion was, you know, there are a lot of things we don't have
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  control over in our life. And sometimes what we need to do is find out what do I have control over
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  that can help in this, right? And so, and so, so what I'm being reminded of with what you're saying
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  is, it's, it's not so much about not saying something, but it's saying something with, when I
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  say care and concern, I mean, for the purpose that we're there. Yeah. And, you know, maybe more asking
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  a question, if possible, or, or something along those lines, because the truth is, everything is
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  not going to be exactly like I need it to be. I know I said it out loud. But for any of us, but
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  where is the point where we fall over the edge? Or when we're just standing up straight, or, you
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  know, not falling to either side, but just kind of standing straight for with love, to me, standing
• 26:37
  straight with love, so that it's a win, win for everyone, not just a win, win for one.
• 26:43
  Absolutely. And there's a lot to unpack there, you know, because you have your contribution in the
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  way that you're spending your time. But you also have, you know, how much you're contributing to
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  the group, and whether or not they need you. And whether or not this is an isolated incident, or if
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  this is a pattern, you know, there's, there's so much going on there. And I just feel like, we
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  tend to self obligate a lot. And I'm very, I'm very much trying to, I am very much working on
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  eradicating obligation from my life. And if I'm doing something, because I feel like I need to do
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  it, and I don't want to do it, doing that with intention and love and going, I don't want to do
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  this, I think it's important, and I'm choosing to do it, as opposed to, well, I have to because
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  love. So I think there's that. So that's, you know, I'm colored by that experience right now.
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  Also, yeah, we've got to do everything with kindness and with compassion. You had a question
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  for me about perfectionism, though. But I think we just want a statement.
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  Have a statement and then a question.
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  Yeah, well, the statement, yeah, was about expecting perfect being that what's that word
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  where it's black or white, there's no gray, that kind of perfectionism. Yeah. And then,
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  and then I proceeded to talk about how that was showing up.
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  Yeah, I don't know if there's more that you might have to say about that. But it's kind of managing,
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  managing the reality of not only life, but humans, of which, you know, I have to be honest.
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  You are one?
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  Take this out of the recording.
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  What? No, no, no. Oh, my God. I don't know. Maybe I do think this way, but I hope people
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  won't think I'm all this way. But um, but I think these are real things that happen in life. And,
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  and, you know, we're not aware of them until we're aware of them. And then once we're aware
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  of them of a tendency that we have, that's not really making friends and influencing people.
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  Um, how can we handle it? Because as you say, at least as I hear you say, Danielle,
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  we have a right to the life that feels ours to live. And, and how can I carry that forward?
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  In a win win way?
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  Beautiful questions, Wendy. I love these questions. And I'm gonna get to say something I say
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  quite often is live in this question. I think this is such what you're doing right now is such a
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  beautiful example of kind of pure leadership, where you're not pretending to be better than
• 29:26
  other people. You're leading by example, you're going, Hey, I've noticed this in my life.
• 29:32
  I'm interrogating it. I don't have the answer. But I'm aware of it. I'm surfacing the awareness,
• 29:38
  I'm asking the question. I'm living in the question. I'm going to experiment and poke around
• 29:43
  and keep figuring it out exploring and then invite other people to do the same without
• 29:50
  any judgment. Without, you know, I should be better. And that kind of black and white thinking
• 29:57
  we're talking about earlier, my therapist talks about gray thinking, the inclusive thinking as
• 30:02
  opposed to black and white, which is one or the other. And I think the fact that you are you're so
• 30:08
  generous with your vulnerability and sharing what you're thinking and how you're experiencing
• 30:13
  things. It's just so beautiful to me because it it gives me permission to do the same thing.
• 30:19
  And then I get to go, Yeah, where am I doing that? And if we all did that?
• 30:29
  Yeah, exactly. Danielle. Yeah, exactly.
• 30:34
  Yeah. So maybe that's where we should end it. Yeah. What questions? What awarenesses do you
• 30:42
  have that can come up without judgment, without you judging yourself about? I'm so perfect. I'm
• 30:50
  too much of a perfectionist. I'm not much of a not enough of a perfectionist. I'm too selfish.
• 30:54
  I'm not doing enough for other people. Without all of that judgment. What things can you notice
• 31:01
  about yourself? What patterns and assumptions can you surface? And just live in those questions?
• 31:06
  How can I do something different? How can I live a life with less obligation? How can I
• 31:12
  live a life, maybe with more joy, with more compassion, with more, maybe with more social
• 31:19
  stuff in it, like more social interaction, or maybe with more efficiency? How can I live a
• 31:24
  life with more efficiency? Asking yourself these questions, living with these questions.
• 31:29
  That's what it's all about. Because you don't always know the answers. And there isn't always
• 31:35
  one right answer. Sometimes it's just an exploration and the exploration is actually
• 31:39
  the thing you want. That's where the magic happens. What do you think, Wendy?
• 31:45
  I agree. I was just thinking that questioning ourselves with care is not a weakness.
• 31:55
  It's actually a strength. And I think that the willingness to question ourselves without
• 32:00
  judgment, as you said, open space to feel something different, to hear something different,
• 32:09
  maybe to see something differently, which will help us move forward.
• 32:15
  I love that. So compassionately question your assumptions. That is this Wednesday's wisdom.
• 32:24
  Thank you so much, Wendy, for being here with me. This was so awesome. And we'll see you next
• 32:28
  time. Thank you, Danielle.