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Avoiding Hurt, but Hurting Ourselves · The No Cry Zone

• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm Jim Best, and you are in the no-cry zone.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Positive change that is doable and durable.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Today I'd like to talk about something that affects virtually all of us, although we don't often discuss it directly.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like most people, there have been times in my life when I've been hurt.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Last week I talked about the career challenge I experienced when my manager was passed over.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: At the time, that was a significant disappointment.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And not only for him.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: After all, I had nearly seven years already invested with the organization, and that is no small amount of time.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then to end up at what most people appeared as a dead end, yes, that was a personal hurt.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: It was scary too, no doubt.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: But it certainly wasn't the only time I faced situations like that.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Over the years there have been setbacks, embarrassments, disappointments, misunderstandings, losses, and situations where decisions made or not made by other people affected me or the people I care about.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes those decisions were intentional, sometimes they weren't.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes people acted, and sometimes people failed to act.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes there were unintended consequences.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't spend much time dwelling on those experiences, and I don't advise you to dwell on bad experiences either.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I certainly don't define myself by them, but they have taught me something and they inform much of the work I do with you in Upwards Best and the No Cry Zone.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now, before I go any further, I should probably point something out that many of you have already noticed.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm generally a positive person, I'm generally optimistic, I'm generally enthusiastic, and I'm generally pretty confident.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Those qualities have served me well throughout my life.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: They've helped me pursue opportunities, they've helped me take action, they've helped me meet people, build relationships, and try things that many people never attempt.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: But there is another side to those qualities.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: When you're optimistic, you tend to have higher expectations.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: When you're enthusiastic, you become more invested.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: When you're confident, you put yourself out there.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're action-oriented, you try more things.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: And when you do those things, you create more opportunities for success and more opportunities for disappointment, for being hurt.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: The person who never applies is never rejected.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: The person who never asks is never refused.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: The person who never tries is never disappointed.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: But they also miss many of the rewards that come from participation.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: So when I talk about disappointment or hurt, I'm not talking about a life filled with setbacks.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about something that occasionally happens when you're actively engaged in life.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: And that leads me to an observation.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Every time we're hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, disappointed, rejected, or threatened with a loss.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to point out again how many negative words there are to experience in life, a very natural question emerges.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: The question is, what can I do to make sure this never happens again?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: What can I do to make sure that I don't get hurt like this again?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where things get interesting and opportunities arise.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because many of the behaviors we develop throughout life are answers to that question.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Some of those answers are healthy, some aren't.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Some make us stronger, some make us smaller.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Today I like to explore the things people do to avoid being hurt and how those protective strategies can quietly limit our lives without even us realizing it.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the behaviors we take to make sure that we don't get hurt again are powerful, but they're often subtle, unseen, and rarely recognized for what they truly are and do.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: We've got June 30th, annual unreluctant day marked on our calendars, so let's start by investigating reluctance.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Reluctance sounds reasonable, as we've pointed out before.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds mature, it sounds semi-cautious.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: People say, I'm not sure, I'll think about it maybe later.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: But often reluctance is fear wearing a socially acceptable disguise.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's a social hall pass.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: It disguises fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of criticism.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Reluctance disguises fear of embarrassment, fear of discovering that things may not work out the way we hope.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Reluctance feels safer than courage because reluctance postpones the moment of truth.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Another common strategy is lowering expectations.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Many people unconsciously decide that if they don't expect much, they won't be disappointed.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: If they don't get excited, they won't get hurt.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: If they don't hope too much, they won't feel let down.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is that low expectations often become ceilings for a very unfulfilling, unsatisfying, and often unfortunately, unhappy life.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: The very thing that protects us from disappointment can also prevent us from pursuing what might have been possible.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: It can prevent us from becoming our authentic selves.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Now, another strategy is withholding full commitment.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: This one is very subtle.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes people don't give their very best effort because failure would hurt more if they did.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: As strange as it sounds, partial effort can become emotional insurance.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: After all, if things don't work out, we can always tell ourselves, well, I didn't really give it my all.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: I could have done it if I had tried harder.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: The excuse seems to soften the blow, but it also limits the outcome.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Then there's defensiveness.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: I've talked before about misguided defensiveness.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Defensiveness often isn't about facts, it isn't about accuracy, it's about emotions and it's about protection.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Protection of our ego, protection of our self-image, protection of our identity.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: When criticism feels threatening, many people defend first and reflect later, if at all.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, defensiveness can keep us from learning exactly what we need to learn.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Another common strategy is avoiding vulnerability.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: People avoid difficult conversations, they avoid expressing affection, they avoid admitting mistakes, they avoid asking for help.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Not because they don't care, not because they're not concerned, but because caring creates exposure.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: And exposure creates risk.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: If you never reveal yourself, people can never reject the real you.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: But nobody can fully know you either.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Now let's talk about the comfort zone.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Many people believe they are being practical when they stay inside familiar, comfortable boundaries.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they are being practical, but sometimes comfort is simply protection from discomfort, from growth, from uncertainty, protection from embarrassment, protection from failure.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the challenge.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes these strategies that we just went over do work.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: They really do reduce emotional pain.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is that they often reduce opportunity at the same time.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Less disappointment, less rejection, less criticism, but also less achievement, less adventure, less connection, less self-expression, less growth, less success, and unfortunately for many people, less happiness.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: The strategy seems to succeed, but your life shrinks, and sometimes it sucks.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I said it because it can be true.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Now after the break, we're going to look at specific practical steps to lead to a richer, fuller life with more progress and less pain.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: You may have recognized that song, My Own Damn Heart, from an earlier No Cry Zone.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's one of the most popular songs from Brazen Candor's second album, No Precedent.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: And it really summarizes much of what we're talking about today.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: That is, the things we do to avoid emotional hurt.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I refer to some of these avoidance behaviors as strategies, but in retrospect, I've got to correct myself.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Things such as reluctance and defensiveness are not strategies, they are reactions, often without consideration of the long-term consequences.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: In contrast, we are now going to talk about practical steps you can take instead.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: These will lead to a much more effective, robust approach to life if you follow through with these strategies.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now we've identified the dangers of twisting our lives into defensive pretzels to avoid emotional hurt.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: What should we do instead?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: The first step is identifying what hurt you're actually trying to avoid.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we're talking about is mental precision.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of asking what am I reluctant about, ask what am I afraid might happen?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: What hurt am I trying to avoid?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: The answer is often surprisingly revealing.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: The second step is learning to distinguish pain from danger.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: They're not the same things, though people often confuse the two.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Being nervous is not danger.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Being embarrassed is not danger.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Being criticized is not danger, and being rejected is not danger.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: These experiences might hurt, but they are not threats to your survival.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, many people react to emotional discomfort as though it were actual danger.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: The result is avoidance.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now the third step is developing confidence in your ability to recover.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Many people think confidence comes from certainty.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think that's true.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: I think much of confidence comes from believing you'll be okay even if things don't go perfectly.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Even if things don't go particularly well.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: You'll recover, you'll learn, you'll adjust, you'll continue.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Recovery confidence is often more valuable than outcome confidence.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the fourth step is asking a different question.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Not how do I avoid pain?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: Instead ask which pain is worth enduring.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because oftentimes we keep ourselves from the pain of rejection, but we feel the pain of not trying.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: We feel the pain of shrinking.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Every meaningful path contains some pain.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: The pain of exercise or the pain of declining health, the pain of honesty, or the pain of resentment, the pain of effort or the pain of regret, the pain of vulnerability, or the pain of loneliness.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Life is often less about avoiding pain and more about choosing the right pain.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: And though that sounds funny, it's choosing the pain that you're most willing to bear.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: The fifth step is strengthening your self-image.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: A fragile self-image requires constant protection.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: A stronger self-image can withstand setbacks.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: A stronger self-image can withstand mistakes.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: A stronger self-image can withstand criticism.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: You can withstand temporary failures without falling apart.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: The stronger your self-image becomes, and let me rephrase that, the stronger you make your self-image, the less energy you need to spend defending it.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: And finally, take action anyways.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Not recklessly, not carelessly, but courageously.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: Most fears don't disappear through analysis, most fears shrink through action.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Effective action on your part.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Action teaches lessons that thinking alone can never learn.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, let me close with this.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: I understand why people try to avoid being hurt.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: I've done it myself.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Every one of us has.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: The desire is natural.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: We don't go running around looking for things to hurt us, either physically or emotionally.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: The desire to protect ourselves from emotional hurt is natural.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: The desire is understandable.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: But when we're not careful, the reactions we create to protect ourselves from yesterday's hurt become the limitations that define and confine your life tomorrow.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Many of life's deepest disappointments don't come from failure, they come from never trying.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: They come from opportunities never pursued, conversations never held, dreams never attempted, versions of ourselves never fully expressed.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: As I think about this topic, I've come to an interesting conclusion which I want to share with you.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: The goal isn't to avoid being hurt.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's virtually impossible.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you care about people, you'll occasionally be hurt.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: If you pursue opportunities, you'll occasionally be disappointed.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: If you express yourself, you will occasionally be criticized, sometimes ridicule.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: If you take action, you'll occasionally fail.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: Those experiences are not signs that you're doing life wrong or that there is something wrong with you.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: They're often signs that you're participating, you're in the game, and participation matters.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: The person who expects something may be disappointed, but the person who expects nothing may never be inspired.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: The person who takes action might fail.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: But the person who never acts guarantees that nothing happens.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: And the person that never takes action never succeeds.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: The person who risks rejection may get hurt.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: But the person who never risks rejection often experiences something even worse disconnection or alienation.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: Or, if we've talked about before, loneliness.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: I've learned that optimism, enthusiasm, confidence, and action all come with occasional disappointment.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: All come with emotional pain.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's part of the deal.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: But I would rather experience the occasional disappointment that comes from participating fully in life than the chronic regret that comes from watching life from the sidelines and thinking, ah, I should have tried.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: I probably could have done that if I gave myself a chance.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: Give yourself a chance.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: The answer is not to become harder.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: The answer is not to become cynical.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: The answer is not to lower your expectations until nothing hurts.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: The answer is to become resilient, to recover, to bounce back, to learn, to adjust, and then to keep participating.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because many of life's greatest rewards are only available to people willing to risk disappointment.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Willing to risk emotional pain.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: And that's something worth remembering the next time you're tempted to protect yourself out of an opportunity, out of a relationship, a dream or a future that might have been.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: So stop breaking your own damn heart.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Aspire, be less reluctant, come upwards with us, and join us next week.