Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / When is it time to stop being the family fixer? + How to know if you should fight for someone or let them go.

Transcript

When is it time to stop being the family fixer? + How to know if you should fight for someone or let them go. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:16
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:20
Speaker 1: I have a listener question episode. I've had so many
0:24
Speaker 1: questions come through, and I did sound was cutting down
0:27
Speaker 1: on the head noise episodes which I have, But there's
0:31
Speaker 1: just I've literally been like a bombarded. I think you
0:33
Speaker 1: guys are like, don't get rid of the head noise episodes.
0:35
Speaker 1: I'm not getting rid of them. I'm just not making
0:38
Speaker 1: it a weekly thing. So sometimes it'll be kind of
0:41
Speaker 1: more regular, sometimes it will be less. I'm just trying
0:43
Speaker 1: to bring in more of the psychology social psychology things
0:48
Speaker 1: during the week as well. But I would never completely
0:50
Speaker 1: get rid of these listener question episodes as I personally
0:54
Speaker 1: love doing them and I love reading out your questions
0:57
Speaker 1: or playing out your questions. So this one is an
0:59
Speaker 1: email question. I'd probably am due for like a voice
1:03
Speaker 1: male question episodes soon, But as usual with my head
1:07
Speaker 1: noise questions, I don't fluff around at the start too much.
1:11
Speaker 1: I do want to get straight into the asking of
1:14
Speaker 1: the questions so we can pack in as much as possible.
1:18
Speaker 1: So let's get straight into it. Hi, Alexis. I love
1:21
Speaker 1: your pod and the down to earth scientifically backed advice
1:24
Speaker 1: and guidance that you provide. I'm a mum of a
1:26
Speaker 1: three year old, pregnant with my next currently finishing my
1:29
Speaker 1: Uni degree while working at a major insurer. Workers started
1:33
Speaker 1: introducing AI agents into our workplace and have not been
1:37
Speaker 1: caite about the fact that they plan to change our
1:39
Speaker 1: workplace with them aka redundancies in the immediate future. I
1:43
Speaker 1: won't lie. It feels a lot like we are training
1:46
Speaker 1: the bots to take over our roles. While I feel
1:49
Speaker 1: like I have enough room to hopefully pivot to a
1:52
Speaker 1: new career. I'm finding myself more and more concerned or
1:54
Speaker 1: terrified really for my children and the way and the
1:57
Speaker 1: world that they are growing up into. I know that
1:59
Speaker 1: every generation has challenges, but it is difficult to feel
2:02
Speaker 1: hopeful with the current state of the world and the
2:04
Speaker 1: challenges they likely will face. What are some effective strategies
2:08
Speaker 1: to find hope again? So this is a really good question.
2:11
Speaker 1: I think anyone Okay, maybe not anyone, but I think
2:14
Speaker 1: there's a lot of people who do have young babies,
2:16
Speaker 1: myself included, that really does think about the impact of
2:19
Speaker 1: all these new changes, especially in artificial intelligence, and the
2:22
Speaker 1: impact that that would have on the generation to come.
2:25
Speaker 1: Like yes, I'm sure there's going to be many positive
2:27
Speaker 1: things that come out of it, but there's also a
2:28
Speaker 1: lot of scary things because it represents change and it
2:31
Speaker 1: also represents a lot of unknown We look at generations
2:35
Speaker 1: that have come before us, many, many, many, and you
2:38
Speaker 1: look at kind of what people would write, and there
2:40
Speaker 1: was this constant fear that we were going to be doomed, that,
2:44
Speaker 1: you know, the civilization as we knew it was going
2:46
Speaker 1: to fail. When the Internet came in, or when you know,
2:49
Speaker 1: even well before the Internet. Every time you would see
2:52
Speaker 1: a huge advancement in something, there was this fear that
2:54
Speaker 1: everything would break down and fail. But what we did
2:57
Speaker 1: see is, of course things didn't break down and fail,
2:59
Speaker 1: but or a major change in how things were done. Now,
3:03
Speaker 1: obviously we can't speak for the future. We can only
3:06
Speaker 1: look at the past and look at what's happened again
3:08
Speaker 1: and again and again, and how society and humanity has
3:11
Speaker 1: kind of evolved and adapted and evolved and adapted. Yes,
3:15
Speaker 1: I think it would be you know, fair to say
3:17
Speaker 1: that nothing has been as intense as AI possibly in
3:22
Speaker 1: the past. So it's hard to really compare the influence
3:25
Speaker 1: or the impact that AI has versus other advancements in
3:28
Speaker 1: the past. I don't know. I can't speak for that exactly.
3:30
Speaker 1: I don't know really the impact one versus the other.
3:34
Speaker 1: But for me personally, my biggest thing is how can
3:39
Speaker 1: I make my kids as adaptable and independent as possible.
3:46
Speaker 1: You know, I'm trying to create I'm trying to raise
3:49
Speaker 1: some really good thinkers. I want these boys that I'm
3:52
Speaker 1: raising to really be able to use their brains. Now,
3:57
Speaker 1: I don't give a flying fuck if you're like, I'll
3:59
Speaker 1: get over at Alexi. You're going to have to adapt
4:00
Speaker 1: to a what AI? All this shit? When I make
4:04
Speaker 1: these comments about using your brain, it's not saying that
4:08
Speaker 1: you can't use AI. I'm very well aware that AI
4:11
Speaker 1: is a part of our life and will be moving forward,
4:14
Speaker 1: and I think that for many people it probably is
4:16
Speaker 1: a very smart idea to wrap our heads around a
4:18
Speaker 1: lot of the things that AI does so we can
4:20
Speaker 1: actually use it to our advantage and not feel like
4:22
Speaker 1: we're completely being left behind. But what I mean about
4:25
Speaker 1: using your mind and your brain is you have to
4:29
Speaker 1: be someone who can genuinely, genuinely be able to think
4:33
Speaker 1: for themselves and critically analyze other things. So we're looking
4:37
Speaker 1: at all these changes in universities and in schools and
4:42
Speaker 1: oh but this essay was written by AI and this
4:44
Speaker 1: was done by AI. Okay, regardless of are we going
4:47
Speaker 1: to get rid of essays? Are we doing this that
4:48
Speaker 1: we're doing that? The point is there's one thing to say, Oh, well,
4:52
Speaker 1: you can't write an essay anymore because AI did that,
4:55
Speaker 1: versus do you know how to critically appraise a journal
4:58
Speaker 1: article for example? That's got nothing to do with you
5:00
Speaker 1: either taught that skill or you're not. The people that
5:02
Speaker 1: can critically analyze shit in life are going to go
5:06
Speaker 1: forward in life and the people that are getting everything
5:09
Speaker 1: automated for them are going to become the victims of AI. Okay.
5:13
Speaker 1: The people that are making money from AI, most of
5:15
Speaker 1: them are the ones that are behind the scenes creating
5:17
Speaker 1: that shit. Okay, They're not the ones sitting there automating
5:20
Speaker 1: every single thing and becoming more and more redundant in
5:23
Speaker 1: the process. You've got to think, how do I create
5:26
Speaker 1: children that are less likely to be made redundant in life? Now,
5:32
Speaker 1: there's obviously your children are going to choose what they
5:34
Speaker 1: do in life, but you want to set them up
5:37
Speaker 1: to have options. I believe it is our job as
5:40
Speaker 1: parents to set our kids up with the resources that
5:44
Speaker 1: they need in order to go and make those choices
5:47
Speaker 1: for themselves moving forward. So how can I make my
5:50
Speaker 1: child as resourceful as possible? So one thing that I'm
5:53
Speaker 1: personally doing is I've got a hard no on having
5:57
Speaker 1: my children be on phones even as babies like I
6:01
Speaker 1: don't want them. The only time my child is ever
6:03
Speaker 1: looking at a phone is if they are facetiming their grandparents,
6:06
Speaker 1: and that is it, right. So, and the reason that
6:09
Speaker 1: I do this is and I'm going to carry this
6:12
Speaker 1: through to like throughout their toddler years, because I want
6:15
Speaker 1: them to get used to becoming creative in play. When
6:20
Speaker 1: you have less stimulation, you have to create that stimulation
6:23
Speaker 1: in your own mind. Okay, you have to create something.
6:26
Speaker 1: That's why, even as adults like you compare children and adults,
6:29
Speaker 1: when you start allowing yourself to be bored, you start
6:32
Speaker 1: coming up with really novel new ideas. Boredom creates creativity.
6:37
Speaker 1: It's like a breeding ground for creativity. And I'm not
6:40
Speaker 1: saying make your child be bored, but I'm saying, simplify
6:42
Speaker 1: the things that they entertain themselves with. So they have
6:44
Speaker 1: to use their mind and their imagination to do more things. Okay,
6:50
Speaker 1: what are other things as they get older that you
6:52
Speaker 1: can be doing to inspire them to become more creative?
6:57
Speaker 1: What are they doing that they can use their hands?
6:59
Speaker 1: You know? Do they like to build things? Do they
7:01
Speaker 1: like to do like you really get them creative, get
7:03
Speaker 1: them involved in cooking, get them involved in get them
7:06
Speaker 1: doing things all the time. Because the thing is technology, AI, iPads,
7:12
Speaker 1: all of that. That's they're going to be good at that, regardless.
7:15
Speaker 1: They're going to be good at that because it's going
7:17
Speaker 1: to be in schools, it's going to be in everything.
7:19
Speaker 1: And it's also extremely intuitive. These kinds of technology, they're
7:23
Speaker 1: not going to fall behind. If you're not giving your
7:25
Speaker 1: child a device at a very young age, I can
7:27
Speaker 1: guarantee you that it's extremely intuitive. They'll pick it up
7:29
Speaker 1: in a fucking heartbeat. So it's our job to do
7:32
Speaker 1: everything else as parents, It's our job to try and
7:35
Speaker 1: get them inspired and fill out all the other parts. So,
7:39
Speaker 1: in my opinion, I think every generation has had their
7:43
Speaker 1: scary moments, and I'm not like, you know, who am
7:45
Speaker 1: I to compare what generation is scarier than the next
7:47
Speaker 1: or the ones that came before us? But for me,
7:50
Speaker 1: the thing that makes me find a lot of hope
7:52
Speaker 1: is that these babies, these children are like fresh brains.
7:56
Speaker 1: They're like they're just ripe for growth and to absorb things.
8:01
Speaker 1: So it's our job to just put things in front
8:03
Speaker 1: of them that's going to make them as creative as
8:05
Speaker 1: possible as you know, even even like my my babies
8:08
Speaker 1: are nine months old and there's so many like I'm
8:11
Speaker 1: always reading books, putting books in front of them, reading
8:13
Speaker 1: books that they'll have this little device that lights up,
8:16
Speaker 1: but they always go to the book, the book, the book,
8:17
Speaker 1: the book. So it's little things like that that I'm
8:20
Speaker 1: always trying to say, what can I do that's going
8:22
Speaker 1: to make them more hands on, hands on, hands on,
8:25
Speaker 1: and then that just evolves throughout their life. So that's
8:28
Speaker 1: personally what I've been doing. And obviously as they get older,
8:32
Speaker 1: I'm just going to be doing things that include them
8:34
Speaker 1: being more out of the home physically doing things, and
8:40
Speaker 1: eventually those things will kind of blossom into their own
8:43
Speaker 1: interests and then they will be able to guide me
8:46
Speaker 1: as a parent based on what they are interested in doing,
8:48
Speaker 1: and we do more of that. So hopefully that answered
8:51
Speaker 1: some of the questions but I can understand how it
8:53
Speaker 1: can be quite a scary time. But also, look at
8:55
Speaker 1: jobs that you know can't ever be replaced by AI.
9:00
Speaker 1: There's always going to be a need for humans, always, always, always, always,
9:04
Speaker 1: So I think that's, you know, that's kind of the
9:08
Speaker 1: saving grace in all of that sense. Okay, next question, Hi,
9:15
Speaker 1: alexis love the podcast. You've helped me through toxic heartbreak,
9:19
Speaker 1: and now I'm going through heartbreak from the love of
9:22
Speaker 1: my life. We recently called off our wedding due to
9:24
Speaker 1: chaotic fights over her exes and her wanting to dive
9:27
Speaker 1: into her work life again. She stays quite close with
9:30
Speaker 1: X's which makes me feel uncomfortable, but I've learned to
9:33
Speaker 1: be okay with it as long as there's validation and
9:35
Speaker 1: an appropriate response when they cross a boundary. I numerous
9:39
Speaker 1: and repetitive texts about not spending enough time or energy
9:43
Speaker 1: into said X, sending a letter to our house the
9:45
Speaker 1: week they found out that we broke up. I know
9:48
Speaker 1: my fiance is so loyal and isn't interested, but I'm
9:50
Speaker 1: so bothered by her lack of validation when this happens,
9:53
Speaker 1: and then we get into explosive fights. She moved to
9:56
Speaker 1: my hometown while I'm going to school and I can't
9:58
Speaker 1: leave for another two years. She made it one year
10:00
Speaker 1: and decided that she wants to move and live somewhere
10:02
Speaker 1: in a big city for a year to quote get
10:04
Speaker 1: it out of her system, or she'll always resent me.
10:07
Speaker 1: We both love each other very much and I don't
10:08
Speaker 1: want to blow up our life, but she feels that
10:11
Speaker 1: she has to do this or she'll regret it later
10:13
Speaker 1: on when married. She doesn't want to fully close the door.
10:16
Speaker 1: But at this point we're now getting into a toxic
10:18
Speaker 1: pattern and fighting constantly because we've broken up but still
10:21
Speaker 1: living together, sleeping in the same bed, etc. How do
10:25
Speaker 1: you know if you should fight for someone and give
10:27
Speaker 1: them the space to come back, or just leave and
10:29
Speaker 1: save yourself. Okay, this is a really good question. I
10:33
Speaker 1: think it's obviously very very hard what it is that
10:36
Speaker 1: you're going through. And not to throw shade on your ex,
10:39
Speaker 1: because I don't know who your ex is, but I
10:40
Speaker 1: think the X thing is it's boundary crossing from your
10:46
Speaker 1: ex as well, because it is your excess responsibility to
10:50
Speaker 1: create the appropriate boundary to make their partner feel comfortable.
10:56
Speaker 1: If you're going to be having a relationship with your
11:00
Speaker 1: ex or multiple xes. That's one thing, but you also
11:04
Speaker 1: have to create a space at home that makes your
11:08
Speaker 1: partner feel that there is nothing kind of inappropriate, or
11:12
Speaker 1: that you're not putting your exes above your partner. It
11:16
Speaker 1: doesn't make sense that your ex's xes are sending repetitive
11:21
Speaker 1: texts about not spending enough time on or them not
11:25
Speaker 1: putting enough energy into them. That's just that's unhealthy. It's
11:29
Speaker 1: just unhealthy. And if they're going to do that, it
11:32
Speaker 1: is your partner's responsibility to shut it down. And if
11:36
Speaker 1: your partner's not shutting it down, then they're being inappropriate.
11:39
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but that's inappropriate. Maybe there are people pleaser,
11:43
Speaker 1: maybe they like the attention. Maybe it's a combination of things,
11:47
Speaker 1: but it doesn't matter. The point is, if you're in
11:49
Speaker 1: a committed relationship, you have to really respect the boundaries
11:53
Speaker 1: off that relationship. Number one. That has to be the
11:58
Speaker 1: safe space. The romantic relationship that you're in, the committed
12:01
Speaker 1: relationship that you're in, has to be the priority because
12:04
Speaker 1: in my opinion, and not any I think in many
12:06
Speaker 1: people's opinions, the person that you choose to marry, the
12:09
Speaker 1: person that you choose to be with is the most
12:11
Speaker 1: important decision you're ever going to make in your life,
12:13
Speaker 1: because they are your partner, your team player in life.
12:17
Speaker 1: And if they don't have you as the priority, and
12:19
Speaker 1: if they're putting exes and you know, wanting attention from
12:23
Speaker 1: their exes and giving the exes attention over you, that's
12:26
Speaker 1: a huge problem. Just don't be married then if that's
12:28
Speaker 1: the case, If that's how they feel, if they want
12:31
Speaker 1: attention left right and center for everyone, that's fine, But
12:34
Speaker 1: then don't commit to a marriage or don't commit to
12:38
Speaker 1: someone that does want those things. It's you can't have
12:43
Speaker 1: it all in every single avenue. You've got to make
12:46
Speaker 1: your decision and then commit to that. So I think
12:48
Speaker 1: that there is some immaturity going on there, big time,
12:51
Speaker 1: big time immaturity. If not, you know, her blatantly being mean,
12:57
Speaker 1: then at least it's her being immature smith to the
13:00
Speaker 1: next thing that she wants to live, go and live
13:02
Speaker 1: in a big city and get it out of her assistant.
13:05
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. I think you should absolutely let her
13:09
Speaker 1: go for sure. You know you said, how do you
13:14
Speaker 1: know if you should fight for someone and give them
13:16
Speaker 1: space to come back or just leave and save yourself.
13:20
Speaker 1: I think it's a combination of the two. This is
13:22
Speaker 1: if you actually genuinely see a future here, because I
13:25
Speaker 1: don't know nowhere near enough about your relationship to be
13:27
Speaker 1: able to make a call if it's worth pursuing or not.
13:30
Speaker 1: So I'm going to go down the route if it
13:31
Speaker 1: is worth pursuing. Now, Number one, absolutely let her go.
13:36
Speaker 1: You've already broken up, you said, Now it looks like
13:38
Speaker 1: it could be a break or not. You're not sure.
13:40
Speaker 1: It seems like it's in a bit of a limbo.
13:42
Speaker 1: This is not a clean cut breakup firstly, because you're
13:44
Speaker 1: living together and you're sleeping in the same bed, and
13:46
Speaker 1: then you're talking about giving space for her to come back,
13:49
Speaker 1: saying that, oh she's she needs to get it out
13:52
Speaker 1: of the system or she'll resent you. So obviously you
13:54
Speaker 1: guys are semi together still, because if that was the
13:57
Speaker 1: if you guys were actually broken up, she wouldn't need
13:59
Speaker 1: to be saying oh, but I need this otherwise that
14:02
Speaker 1: should just go right. So this is not a clean
14:04
Speaker 1: breakup for starters. Secondly, you have to let her go
14:08
Speaker 1: because if you're going to break up, break up properly.
14:11
Speaker 1: This half fast bullshit actually damages the chance of you
14:15
Speaker 1: guys getting together properly in the future. It's very damaging
14:19
Speaker 1: because you start feeling stuck, you start feeling held back,
14:22
Speaker 1: you start to resent each other. You're bickering. When you're
14:24
Speaker 1: back together, you're bickering. You're not actually working towards a
14:26
Speaker 1: common goal because each of you probably doesn't know exactly
14:29
Speaker 1: where you lie in this. So you're either together or
14:32
Speaker 1: you're not. Don't fuck around with blurred lines or that
14:35
Speaker 1: or because if you do, then it's definitely going to
14:37
Speaker 1: be over. So my advice is you end it completely.
14:42
Speaker 1: You can still say we can keep in contact, we
14:45
Speaker 1: can keep in touch. We would lu like the idea
14:48
Speaker 1: of us being together in the future would be great,
14:50
Speaker 1: But this is what needs to happen. We need to
14:53
Speaker 1: or at least your partner needs to get a little
14:55
Speaker 1: bit more mature when it comes to navigating relationships outside
14:57
Speaker 1: of this one. She needs to go and live for
15:00
Speaker 1: that year in the big city one hundred percent. And
15:03
Speaker 1: you need to see how you feel without each other
15:06
Speaker 1: in your lives. And this is for two reasons. Number one,
15:11
Speaker 1: you might notice that your life is just not as
15:16
Speaker 1: good without each other in it. You might be like
15:18
Speaker 1: it's you know, you don't know what you have until
15:20
Speaker 1: it's gone kind of thing. That might be the case
15:22
Speaker 1: for both of you. You might have that you miss
15:24
Speaker 1: each other terribly. You have that year of growth. She's away,
15:27
Speaker 1: you're finishing school. You start to miss each other, you
15:30
Speaker 1: start to become a bit more mature, you develop this,
15:32
Speaker 1: you know, a better awareness of the importance of each other,
15:35
Speaker 1: and then you're able to meet in the middle after
15:37
Speaker 1: that year, keeping in contact, but you know, not daily
15:40
Speaker 1: contact where it's just what's the point of us even
15:42
Speaker 1: being broken up kind of contact. Or the other alternative
15:47
Speaker 1: is she spreads her wings, she goes. You dig deep
15:50
Speaker 1: and finish your schooling, and then you realize that relationship
15:55
Speaker 1: served a time in your life, but it no longer
15:59
Speaker 1: serves you anymore, and that's okay, and you might have
16:02
Speaker 1: outgrown it. And the only way you were ever gonna
16:04
Speaker 1: know is by creating some space. So when we talk
16:07
Speaker 1: about fighting for someone and give them the space, I
16:10
Speaker 1: don't think you've got to be fighting. I would less
16:12
Speaker 1: is more when you're trying to get an answer, because
16:15
Speaker 1: you also don't want to be like good. But I'm
16:16
Speaker 1: working for this and I'm trying to contact you, and
16:17
Speaker 1: I'm this, and I'm that. You need to sit down
16:20
Speaker 1: and come to an agreeance. You need to say. We
16:22
Speaker 1: don't need to prove anything to each other. We're not
16:25
Speaker 1: going to be toxic here. We're not going to say, well,
16:26
Speaker 1: I'm leaving and I need to see you not want
16:29
Speaker 1: me to leave, and then that's proof that you love. No,
16:31
Speaker 1: if you want to go, you go, But don't dangle
16:34
Speaker 1: that over my head to test me. Don't fucking test me.
16:37
Speaker 1: If my partner ever said to me, if my partner
16:40
Speaker 1: ever tried to test me saying I'm gonna leave and
16:42
Speaker 1: he was doing that to see if I would like
16:44
Speaker 1: fight for him and beg for him to stay, I
16:47
Speaker 1: wouldn't beg and I wouldn't fight because I would say,
16:49
Speaker 1: if that's what you need to do, that's what you
16:50
Speaker 1: need to do. But a real partnership, a real partnership
16:53
Speaker 1: will never dangle that to see if you're going to
16:56
Speaker 1: fight for them. It's only worth fighting for a relationship
16:59
Speaker 1: when both parties are fighting for a common goal. If
17:03
Speaker 1: one person is testing the other saying I wanted you
17:06
Speaker 1: to fight for me and you didn't, well, then we
17:09
Speaker 1: our communication broke down a long time ago, because if
17:11
Speaker 1: it's gotten to that, we're just shit communicators. Because it
17:15
Speaker 1: shouldn't get for you to have to leave me in
17:18
Speaker 1: order to be the test. And if you're saying, well
17:20
Speaker 1: I had to go for it, well then there was
17:22
Speaker 1: your answer. Then of course you can still leave, but
17:24
Speaker 1: don't make that the Oh well, if they fight, then
17:28
Speaker 1: I know I'm going to stay. So I don't look
17:29
Speaker 1: at this as you needing to fight for it. I
17:31
Speaker 1: think you need to be too mature adults sit down
17:34
Speaker 1: and say, listen, there is no testing each other, there's
17:36
Speaker 1: no fighting, and if you didn't fight, then this is
17:39
Speaker 1: what's going to happen. You're going to go, I'm going
17:41
Speaker 1: to stay, You're going to have your year. I'm going
17:43
Speaker 1: to study, and let's see how we feel. Let's just
17:46
Speaker 1: be calm adults and see how we feel. And if
17:49
Speaker 1: we miss each other, let's let's tell each other that
17:52
Speaker 1: we miss each other. And if we don't and we
17:55
Speaker 1: see it better off as maybe not pursuing this further,
17:57
Speaker 1: we also communicate that and then just see how you go.
18:01
Speaker 1: But I think holding on and saying I don't want
18:04
Speaker 1: you to go and this and that I don't think
18:05
Speaker 1: that's going to help in this situation. I think breathing
18:07
Speaker 1: space is the absolute necessity at this point. So hopefully
18:12
Speaker 1: that helps, and hopefully you know you guys can grow
18:15
Speaker 1: from it, whether you grow together eventually or whether you
18:18
Speaker 1: grow in your separate directions. I think this is going
18:20
Speaker 1: to be good for you. And also your partner needs
18:22
Speaker 1: to like kind of check herself about the whole ex's
18:25
Speaker 1: thing and make sure that she's not putting her exes
18:28
Speaker 1: before you, because she doesn't want to damage those relationships
18:32
Speaker 1: all the while damaging the relationship she's got with you.
18:35
Speaker 1: That's just not fair, all right. Next question, Dear alexis
18:41
Speaker 1: I'm an og bean listen and listening to your podcast
18:43
Speaker 1: has been my morning drive to work ritual for years.
18:46
Speaker 1: I love that I'm seeking some advice about a family
18:49
Speaker 1: situation that I feel has reached a breaking point. You
18:52
Speaker 1: always say family is no exception to being cut out
18:54
Speaker 1: of your life if they're a toxic lemon Well, I
18:57
Speaker 1: feel this is something I need to do. However, I'm
19:00
Speaker 1: covering people pleaser, and I need help. My sister struggled
19:03
Speaker 1: with her mental health forever and many different diagnoses BPD, OCD, ADHD,
19:09
Speaker 1: the relationship we had has never really felt like a
19:11
Speaker 1: sister relationship. It has felt more like emotional whiplash, abuse
19:15
Speaker 1: and manipulation. I only ever hear from her when she
19:19
Speaker 1: has blown up her life or is spiraling about something.
19:22
Speaker 1: I always become the emotional dumping ground. I always have
19:25
Speaker 1: to drop everything to help her, and then she disappears again.
19:28
Speaker 1: In our entire lives, she has never asked me how
19:31
Speaker 1: I am, what is happening in my life, or made
19:33
Speaker 1: an effort to know me as a sister. Over the years,
19:36
Speaker 1: there has been a pattern of emotional volatility, lack of accountability,
19:40
Speaker 1: and situations where they have hurt myself, my husband, and
19:43
Speaker 1: my other family members. The expectation has almost always been
19:47
Speaker 1: that I should be the one to smooth things over,
19:50
Speaker 1: keep the peace, and put my own feelings aside for
19:52
Speaker 1: the sake of the family. The complication is my mum.
19:55
Speaker 1: She has been through significant health issues and frequently expresses
19:59
Speaker 1: that she all she wants is a happy, united family.
20:02
Speaker 1: I carry a huge amount of guilt because I feel
20:04
Speaker 1: like if I set boundaries or step back, I'm somehow
20:07
Speaker 1: contributing to her pain. My husband and I are waiting
20:10
Speaker 1: to have a baby, we're talking about the biggest decision
20:13
Speaker 1: of my life. I recently told Mum and she mentioned
20:15
Speaker 1: including slash telling my sister. I said I did not
20:18
Speaker 1: want to share any of this with her at the present.
20:20
Speaker 1: Mum seemed supportive, but I'm terrified sher backflip like she
20:23
Speaker 1: has done in the past and then guilt me into
20:25
Speaker 1: including my sister. I cannot cope with my future pregnancy
20:29
Speaker 1: becoming another thing she twists into being about her, or
20:32
Speaker 1: another opportunity to become the victim. My question is, how
20:35
Speaker 1: do you know when you've reached the point where protecting
20:38
Speaker 1: your peace and future family is the right choice? And
20:41
Speaker 1: how do you separate healthy boundaries from guilt when you've
20:43
Speaker 1: been conditioned to your whole life to keep your family
20:46
Speaker 1: together just my only sister. I love her, but I
20:49
Speaker 1: can't do this anymore. Thank you in advance for reading this.
20:51
Speaker 1: You've helped me for many years, more than I can
20:54
Speaker 1: express in words. Thank you. Okay, fuck, this is a
20:59
Speaker 1: hard situation, but this is my advice for you. So
21:03
Speaker 1: the first thing is you said, how do you know
21:05
Speaker 1: when you've reached the point where protecting your peace and
21:07
Speaker 1: future family is the right choice? My belief is that
21:14
Speaker 1: your family, the one you create, is your number one priority.
21:18
Speaker 1: It has to be. It's the only way to create
21:20
Speaker 1: that safe space. And that's that I'm very fucking close
21:23
Speaker 1: with my parents, with my entire extended family, with my sister,
21:25
Speaker 1: like so close, but even still, my priority is my
21:31
Speaker 1: family that that I've created, my partner and my children,
21:34
Speaker 1: right that is number one, and the safety of them
21:38
Speaker 1: has to be my priority as the mother and the partner.
21:43
Speaker 1: That's my job and vice versa with my partner. We
21:45
Speaker 1: have to look out for each other. Okay. You can't
21:48
Speaker 1: be letting people come in and you said, she's hurt
21:51
Speaker 1: your husband and other family members. You can't. That's the
21:54
Speaker 1: safe space that you're protecting, Okay, and then you're also
21:58
Speaker 1: protecting the extended family as well. But so number one,
22:02
Speaker 1: I think there shouldn't be a point that you have
22:04
Speaker 1: to reach. I think you just instinctively now know that
22:08
Speaker 1: now that you're trying for a baby, you're going to
22:11
Speaker 1: be growing your little family. This is your priority that
22:14
Speaker 1: has to come first. And it's not to say you're
22:16
Speaker 1: shouting people out, you're cutting people off for no reason whatever,
22:19
Speaker 1: no fuck no, like whenever possible, you're keeping your entire
22:22
Speaker 1: family unit as tired as can be. But if a
22:25
Speaker 1: situation like the one that you have is present, then
22:29
Speaker 1: you have then you know where your priorities lie. It's
22:31
Speaker 1: not your sister, it's your husband and your future child
22:35
Speaker 1: and of course your peace of mind. But we're talking
22:38
Speaker 1: about you know, like where you're putting your attention and
22:40
Speaker 1: where you're putting your energy, and who you're going to protect.
22:42
Speaker 1: It's got to be the family that you have. Now,
22:46
Speaker 1: let's talk about your mother. She expresses that all she
22:50
Speaker 1: wants is a happy united family. The like not and
22:56
Speaker 1: no shade on your mum. But what's her point? Every
22:59
Speaker 1: cunt on would like a happy, united family. But that's
23:04
Speaker 1: and it doesn't exist in your dynamics. Sorry, but your
23:09
Speaker 1: sister has made it so that it doesn't exist. What
23:12
Speaker 1: can you do about it? Nothing, Because if you want united,
23:15
Speaker 1: it's not going to be happy. And if you want happy,
23:18
Speaker 1: it's not going to be united because the sister doesn't
23:20
Speaker 1: allow for that. So she has to choose. And also,
23:25
Speaker 1: only you can decide what like the kind of dynamics
23:27
Speaker 1: you can have in your family. You can only control
23:30
Speaker 1: what you do and the relationships you have within your family.
23:33
Speaker 1: To an extent. She can't be trying to and I
23:36
Speaker 1: get where she's coming from. She's the mum who doesn't
23:38
Speaker 1: want their children to get along. I'm not kind of
23:41
Speaker 1: throwing shade on her or being angry at your mum,
23:42
Speaker 1: but for your sake, so you can start to feel
23:45
Speaker 1: better about this decision, she can't be, you know, wanting
23:49
Speaker 1: to control the relationship between the sisters. And the reason
23:52
Speaker 1: why people expect you to do something and not your
23:55
Speaker 1: sister is because of your reputation. You have a track
23:58
Speaker 1: record of being the peacekeeper. Instead of people feeling like,
24:01
Speaker 1: oh wow, it's so good that you did that, they're
24:02
Speaker 1: so great, it's now expected. It is now expected because
24:06
Speaker 1: that is your reputation. You've kept a track record of
24:10
Speaker 1: being the peacekeeper, the people pleaser. You're always softening the blow.
24:14
Speaker 1: So then when you don't do it, instead of people
24:16
Speaker 1: moving the spotlight to your sister being like, wow, she's
24:18
Speaker 1: fucking volatile, they move it to you, being like, oh,
24:20
Speaker 1: come on, come on, why haven't you done it this time?
24:22
Speaker 1: You did it every other time, and now you've got
24:24
Speaker 1: a problem with it. Come on, like it's just crazy,
24:26
Speaker 1: Like it's so often it's the one that puts in
24:29
Speaker 1: all this effort to help a situation or to make
24:32
Speaker 1: the change. Then the one time they're like, you know what,
24:34
Speaker 1: this is getting me nowhere and I'm emotionally exhausted. I've
24:37
Speaker 1: done it in the past. I've really extended the olive
24:38
Speaker 1: branch a thousand times. I've tried, but it's not worked.
24:42
Speaker 1: So it gets to a point where I have to
24:43
Speaker 1: pull the plug. And then people look at you being like, ah,
24:46
Speaker 1: you are not uniting the family, you are not being
24:49
Speaker 1: you know, the happy whatever, without being like, wait a minute.
24:51
Speaker 1: We're so used to this person's chaotic energy and this
24:54
Speaker 1: person's chaotic behavior coming in like a cyclone causing all
24:58
Speaker 1: this drama, but you know, will allow it because that's
25:02
Speaker 1: just them, and because they're allowed to be the cyclone
25:05
Speaker 1: and they see you as the peacekeeper, then they don't
25:07
Speaker 1: have to intervene or they don't have to accept that
25:09
Speaker 1: it's actually a fucked dynamic because it's kind of worked
25:12
Speaker 1: out every time. But no longer. So if I were you,
25:16
Speaker 1: I would say, unfortunately, I need to now change my reputation.
25:19
Speaker 1: I'm no longer the peacekeeper. I'm not going to add
25:21
Speaker 1: fuel to the fire, but I'm not here to try
25:23
Speaker 1: and make peace with someone I don't feel peaceful with.
25:27
Speaker 1: If every time you interact with someone, you feel just
25:31
Speaker 1: this bad feeling inside you of like I feel unsettled,
25:34
Speaker 1: I feel maybe anxious, Maybe you feel like rattled, maybe
25:38
Speaker 1: you feel annoyed or angry or upset, and you feel
25:42
Speaker 1: that way every single time, which I feel is the
25:44
Speaker 1: case with your sister, then there is peace is not
25:48
Speaker 1: supposed to exist here, because the only way peace can
25:51
Speaker 1: exist is if you pretend to be something that you're not,
25:54
Speaker 1: if you go above and beyond, or if you you know,
25:58
Speaker 1: you know, soft everything, or apologize or say that it's okay,
26:04
Speaker 1: or go back and extend the olive branch, that that's
26:06
Speaker 1: the only way. But then you're not at peace because
26:08
Speaker 1: you're going against yourself. You're going against what you're probably
26:11
Speaker 1: what your husband would like, you're going you know, it's
26:14
Speaker 1: just I think you have your answer, and I'm here
26:17
Speaker 1: to tell you that it is perfectly okay to step away.
26:20
Speaker 1: And what I would say to my mother is you
26:22
Speaker 1: are way more likely to have a happy family if
26:25
Speaker 1: you allow us to just stay separated from each other
26:29
Speaker 1: as sisters. I can't do this anymore, and if you
26:32
Speaker 1: want happy, I'm happy doing that and focusing on my
26:36
Speaker 1: new family. Then you've got a happy daughter. And as
26:38
Speaker 1: far as the sister, she's not going to be happy
26:40
Speaker 1: either way, because when I try and like be close
26:42
Speaker 1: to her, she's not fucking happy. When she spirals off
26:44
Speaker 1: in her own life, she's also not fucking happy. So
26:47
Speaker 1: no matter what she does, that's her business. But for me,
26:50
Speaker 1: I'm happy. I'm fucking happy. So unless you got one
26:53
Speaker 1: out of two daughters happy, and that's what I'm going
26:55
Speaker 1: to be focusing on. You need to. You need to.
26:58
Speaker 1: You've you've got to draw that line and you've got
27:00
Speaker 1: to make it fucking clear. And I think that once
27:03
Speaker 1: you make that decision, and it's not saying you've cut
27:06
Speaker 1: her out of your life, it's saying you're done fixing
27:09
Speaker 1: the problems. You're done, you know, going back and forth
27:12
Speaker 1: and back and forth and back and forth for what
27:14
Speaker 1: what do you get out of it? Fuck? All? Okay,
27:17
Speaker 1: So I think that's that's what I would do. So
27:20
Speaker 1: I'm going to distance myself and I don't need to
27:22
Speaker 1: be fixing all the problems. I'm you know, I can
27:24
Speaker 1: go to family events, I can see her, I can have,
27:27
Speaker 1: you know, like surface level conversations. But this whole back
27:30
Speaker 1: and forth fuck around her being a cyclone and then
27:33
Speaker 1: disappearing again emotional dumping on me is finished. I'm done
27:38
Speaker 1: with that. I've got new priorities in my life and
27:40
Speaker 1: I'm going to start prioritizing my husband and my future child.
27:43
Speaker 1: And no, you do not have to tell your sister
27:44
Speaker 1: that you are trying for a child. Like the only
27:46
Speaker 1: people that you tell about these things are people that
27:48
Speaker 1: are like an emotional safe space. And if she's not
27:50
Speaker 1: an emotional safe space, then you don't tell her. Okay,
27:53
Speaker 1: whether it's family, whether it's friends, it doesn't matter. You
27:55
Speaker 1: could be telling someone who you just meant because they're
27:58
Speaker 1: an emotional safe space. It doesn't matter. It's your call,
28:00
Speaker 1: it's your fucking child that you're having. You decide who
28:04
Speaker 1: you tell, and no one else makes that decision. So
28:06
Speaker 1: hopefully that helped. Yeah, and I hate that you're going
28:10
Speaker 1: through that, but also I think you'll feel a lot
28:12
Speaker 1: more at peace when you have one clear cut decision
28:15
Speaker 1: about how you want to move forward with this relationship.
28:19
Speaker 1: All right, that is all for today's episode. Thank you
28:22
Speaker 1: guys so much for tuning in and listening and as
28:25
Speaker 1: always remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
28:28
Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
28:30
Speaker 1: from yourself. Dunker