Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #787 Righting Wrongs

Transcript

#787 Righting Wrongs · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Being able to recognize when you get it wrong, and
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  Speaker 2: being able to sit with your kids in that space
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  Speaker 2: and just let them know that you recognize you got
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  Speaker 2: it wrong, because they know you've got it wrong and
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  Speaker 2: they feel it, but to know that you actually acknowledge it,
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  Speaker 2: I think is where the healing comes from.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show.
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  Speaker 3: My mom and dad, Kylie. How much fun is it
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  Speaker 3: sitting down and watching Parental Guidance with the kids.
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  Speaker 2: It's not very often we we're all in the same
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  Speaker 2: room family with our big kids kind of doing their
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  Speaker 2: own thing. And the other night we were sitting there
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  Speaker 2: watching it and I just had one of those moments
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  Speaker 2: where it was almost like I was kind of having
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  Speaker 2: an out of body experience. I was looking down on
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  Speaker 2: us from above and just completely enveloped in this feeling
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  Speaker 2: of just love and absolute or of this beautiful family
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  Speaker 2: that we have.
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  Speaker 3: Are you feeling a desperate need to sit down and
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  Speaker 3: have so many conversations.
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  Speaker 2: With the kids, so many conversations.
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  Speaker 3: We've got to talk to them about people knocking on
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  Speaker 3: the door We've got to talk to them about fire
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  Speaker 3: Escape sort of stuff. We've got to talk to them
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  Speaker 3: about explicit content online. We've got to talk to them
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  Speaker 3: about playing games online. Like, there is so much to
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  Speaker 3: talk about in terms of what this show is bringing.
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  Speaker 2: Up well, and just the little comments that they make.
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  Speaker 2: Miss nine. She actually when they did the challenge with
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  Speaker 2: the explicit content, she was literally sitting in her chair
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  Speaker 2: and she said presno, presno, And then when they pressed
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  Speaker 2: it too fast, she was like, I didn't get to
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  Speaker 2: read what it said. She's really completely engaged in what's
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  Speaker 2: happening on the screen. And the other day we were
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  Speaker 2: driving the car and she says, I think that I
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  Speaker 2: want to be a gentle parent.
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  Speaker 3: And honest parents went with honest parent.
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  Speaker 2: Honest Yeah, yeah, I want to be a mix of
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  Speaker 2: those two.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's so much funny.
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  Speaker 2: It's out of the blue, like we won't even talking
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  Speaker 2: about anything.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, really, so.
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  Speaker 2: Just constantly thinking about what's happening and what's going on.
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  Speaker 3: Well, we hope that you're enjoying Parental Guidance episode number
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  Speaker 3: whatever it is. The next episode episode five, Sunday Night.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: Sunday Night, Episode five, and then Monday and Tuesday, we
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  Speaker 3: get to the finale of Parental Guidance Season two. Hopefully
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: you're loving it. If you're new to the podcast, Welcome.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: Every Friday, Kylie and I talk about what's going well
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: and what's not in our family. We call it I'll
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  Speaker 3: do Better Tomorrow. This is the bit where we get
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  Speaker 3: real about what happens in the parenting experts family and
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  Speaker 3: the times where we're getting it right, the times we're
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: getting it wrong, and what we can do to get
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  Speaker 3: it right more often. I have had a really busy
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  Speaker 3: six weeks with the launch of a book, with the
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  Speaker 3: lunch of a TV show, with a week in Perth,
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  Speaker 3: with a whole lot of events that I was speaking at,
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  Speaker 3: and more than a week in the United States attending
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  Speaker 3: a conference over there. It's just it's been enormous, and
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  Speaker 3: if it's been enormous for me, it's been huge for you.
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  Speaker 3: So for my older Better Tomorrow, I actually want to
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  Speaker 3: share a couple of things that have happened. The first
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  Speaker 3: thing that I want to highlight is just how good
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  Speaker 3: it felt to be home. So because I do so
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  Speaker 3: much travel, we kind of get used to the coming
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  Speaker 3: and going, the coming and the going. But when I
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  Speaker 3: got home from an extended trip. I mean I was
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  Speaker 3: in the US for like seven or eight days, and
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  Speaker 3: then when I got home, you literally met me at
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  Speaker 3: the airport, gave me a different suitcase. We did the
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  Speaker 3: suitcase swap, and within an hour and a half, I
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  Speaker 3: was on another airplane and flying to Sydney for a
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  Speaker 3: conference and then down to Victoria for a couple of
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  Speaker 3: talks down there. So even though I was back in
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  Speaker 3: the country, I didn't see you guys for such a
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  Speaker 3: long period. When I got home, it felt so good
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  Speaker 3: to be in the kitchen with the kids, and being
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  Speaker 3: in the living room with the kids, and over the
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  Speaker 3: weekend just gone, well it was five days ago now,
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  Speaker 3: but over the weekend just gone, just having the opportunity
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  Speaker 3: to play music and dance in the kitchen, and I
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  Speaker 3: did a whole lot of that, and it was so nice.
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  Speaker 3: One of the nights, one of the kids had a nightmare,
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  Speaker 3: and the next night she asked me to come and
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  Speaker 3: sit with her. And this was the second thing that
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  Speaker 3: I want to talk about. When I sat with her,
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  Speaker 3: She's nineteen years old, and when I sat with her
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  Speaker 3: and she wanted to she wanted to say a prayer
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  Speaker 3: and just have some time together so that she didn't
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  Speaker 3: have any more nightmares. I got to spend about five
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  Speaker 3: minutes with her, and as I was about to wrap up,
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  Speaker 3: she said, Dad, will you sing me my lalla By song?
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  Speaker 3: And it's been so long since I've sung, especially to
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  Speaker 3: my nineteen year old, to our nineteen year old, but
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  Speaker 3: even to the other kids. As the kids have gotten older,
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  Speaker 3: we've kind of gotten out of the routine. I travel
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  Speaker 3: a lot. The kids are getting older. They don't need
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  Speaker 3: to be tucked in the same way with the stories
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  Speaker 3: and the songs and the present. That nighttime routine that
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  Speaker 3: we had for years and years and years I reckon
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  Speaker 3: probably a decade of it. It's kind of disappeared, and
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  Speaker 3: I haven't noticed that it's disappeared. This is kind of
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  Speaker 3: my big old do better tomorrow. Not only is it
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  Speaker 3: great to spend time with the kids, but the value
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  Speaker 3: of routine and how much we miss it when it's
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  Speaker 3: not there. I sat next to Ella and I said, Okay,
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  Speaker 3: I don't know if I can do it. My voice
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  Speaker 3: is probably a bit scratchy, but I sang the lullaby song.
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  Speaker 3: And most people won't have heard this one, but it's
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  Speaker 3: a song that we just love and it's called Angel
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  Speaker 3: Lullaby and I was able to find it on YouTube
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  Speaker 3: and I'm not going to sing it. I'm going to
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  Speaker 3: actually let YouTube sing it because it's way better than
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  Speaker 3: anything I could do.
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  Speaker 1: Till theness listen, god bye, soe till the god Bye.
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  Speaker 3: So it's a song about these angels that sort of
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  Speaker 3: stand guard over the kids as they're sleeping. And since
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  Speaker 3: she had the nightmare, this was perfect stands.
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  Speaker 1: By You're bad and another it's curse with there's one
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  Speaker 1: watching for and one wait's too week you when the
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  Speaker 1: night is gone, sicy s the time.
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  Speaker 3: Anyway, you get the picture right. I don't know about you.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe it's just because it's our angel lullaby song for
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  Speaker 3: our kids. But hearing that song, it just takes me
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  Speaker 3: to all the right places. It makes me feel really good,
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  Speaker 3: and obviously it did that for our daughter. Whether you
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  Speaker 3: have a song like that or a different song, I
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  Speaker 3: guess the point is the tradition, the routine, the consistency
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  Speaker 3: of hearing that over and over and over again. It's
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  Speaker 3: so valuable for the kids. And I patted my big
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  Speaker 3: girl nineteen years old off to sleep, gavery kiss on
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  Speaker 3: the forehead and hugged her and squeezed her and told
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  Speaker 3: her that I loved her and left the room and
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  Speaker 3: I just felt so good. And so I walked into
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  Speaker 3: the Rumpert room, where we've got two sets of bunks
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  Speaker 3: and the other three kids are sleeping because our hasdre
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  Speaker 3: too small for everyone to fit, so we've got two
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  Speaker 3: sets of bunks in the ruppers room. And I sat
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  Speaker 3: down on the on the step leading into the Ruppert
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  Speaker 3: room and said, kids, do you want Do you want
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  Speaker 3: a lullaby? And they said yeah, And so I sang
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  Speaker 3: the kids that song again, and I just thought, Ah,
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  Speaker 3: I missed this. We've got to do this stuff more.
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  Speaker 3: It's so so important for the kids to feel secure
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  Speaker 3: and loved and safe and like the world is predictable
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  Speaker 3: and everything makes sense. And so that's my alder about
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  Speaker 3: it tomorrow, the power of a good lullabye, the importance
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  Speaker 3: of nighttime routine. I felt like I nailed it this week,
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  Speaker 3: and I've been singing it as often as I can
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  Speaker 3: every night i've been home this week. It's been so nice,
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  Speaker 3: and so the kids have heard my scratchy voice trying
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  Speaker 3: to get through that song every single night, because because
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  Speaker 3: I remember the value of that routine.
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  Speaker 2: I can't count and how many times I've sung that
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  Speaker 2: song to the kids, rocking them to sleep.
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  Speaker 1: Wow.
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  Speaker 2: Well, you might have had a great win, which you're
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  Speaker 2: so good, but after your extremely busy week, I feel
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  Speaker 2: like my body kind of collapse in a bit of
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  Speaker 2: a heap when you got home.
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  Speaker 3: Because you've been doing it all, all of them yea,
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  Speaker 3: And I just I.
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  Speaker 2: Really felt like my body just kind of exhaled. I
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  Speaker 2: want to say, I've been holding my breath that whole time,
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  Speaker 2: knowing that I had to keep it together. And so
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  Speaker 2: I had a couple of days in bed over the
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  Speaker 2: last kind of week and just really kind of trying
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  Speaker 2: to restore what once was. And so Sunday afternoon was
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  Speaker 2: one of those days. I'd found myself in bed for
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  Speaker 2: a few hours, and you had come home from church
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  Speaker 2: and were desperate for a cupcake. Oh yes, yes, and
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  Speaker 2: you had actually rung on the way home to say
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  Speaker 2: I'm coming home. Everyone else at church got a cupcake.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't, and I just really need a cupcake? Do
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  Speaker 2: you think you can help me out at icing?
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  Speaker 3: On top of those cupcakes? I was desperate for it.
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  Speaker 3: I really want well one of.
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  Speaker 2: The kids hadn't been at church either, and their teacher
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  Speaker 2: had done a little handout for them, which was actually
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  Speaker 2: a packet mix, a cake packet mix, and so one
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  Speaker 2: of the kids brought it in to the house and
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  Speaker 2: I said, oh, so are we making these cupcakes as
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  Speaker 2: opposed to me doing it from scratch? And you said,
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  Speaker 2: I don't really care. I just want the icing.
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  Speaker 3: I just look cupcakes so that I can lick the
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  Speaker 3: icing off the top.
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  Speaker 1: That's all I care about.
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  Speaker 2: And so I thought, well, if we've got the packet mix,
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  Speaker 2: that's actually easy. The kids can do this all on
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  Speaker 2: their own. But when the twelve year old walked in,
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  Speaker 2: she said, well, I wanted you to help me, Mum.
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  Speaker 2: I was hoping we could do it together. And in
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  Speaker 2: my head, because I was feeling so depleted as it was,
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  Speaker 2: the thought of having to kind of just navigate the
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  Speaker 2: kitchen with an extra body meant more energy that I
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  Speaker 2: didn't feel like I had.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you were kind of down on the whole idea,
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  Speaker 3: especially if the kids being involved, and I was, and
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  Speaker 3: I was like, honey, this is connection. This is an
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  Speaker 3: opportunity to cook cupcakes with kids. This is great, and
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  Speaker 3: I'm just going to go and lay on my bed
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  Speaker 3: and read a book because you've been laying down all day.
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  Speaker 2: And so I kind of got really snappy, and I
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  Speaker 2: just was like, I can't understand why a packet mix
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  Speaker 2: that's got three steps in it they actually need my help,
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  Speaker 2: Like it just seemed like superfluous energy and space that
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  Speaker 2: I didn't have. And so our thirteen year old turned
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  Speaker 2: around and said, Mum, it's okay. If you don't want
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  Speaker 2: to do it with me, that's fine, I'll do it.
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  Speaker 2: So anyway, I kind of I left the room, and meantime,
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  Speaker 2: our nine year old had also received a spare box
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  Speaker 2: of cupcakes, and she was like, but I want to
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  Speaker 2: make some cupcakes too, And I just from a distance
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  Speaker 2: heard our thirteen year old say, well, let me make
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  Speaker 2: mine first and then I'll help you make yours. And
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  Speaker 2: it wasn't until much later that night we were all
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  Speaker 2: kind of heading off to bed, and I was sitting
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  Speaker 2: in my bed thinking about the afternoon and just feeling
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  Speaker 2: a bit frustrated with myself that I had missed an opportunity.
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  Speaker 2: And I went into miss thirteen and I sat with
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  Speaker 2: her and I just said, today I didn't act in
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  Speaker 2: your best interest or in a way that I'm proud of.
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  Speaker 2: I actually got it really really wrong. I've been feeling
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  Speaker 2: really really depleted and I just didn't have the energy
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  Speaker 2: to do what was being asked of me. But I
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  Speaker 2: didn't handle it the way I wish I had of.
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  Speaker 2: And I just want you to know how proud I
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  Speaker 2: am of the way that you handled it, and not
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  Speaker 2: only that that you then took your sister under your
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  Speaker 2: wing and helped her and had such a nice afternoon
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  Speaker 2: in the kitchen together. And you know, she looked at
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  Speaker 2: me and she said, it's okay, Mom, we or you know,
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  Speaker 2: we all have days like that, and she's just came
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  Speaker 2: in a big hug and we sat there and we cuddled.
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  Speaker 2: And so for me, I'll do better tomorrow. Is just
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  Speaker 2: being able to recognize when you get it wrong out
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: of suit with your kids in that space and just
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  Speaker 2: let them know that you recognize you've got it wrong,
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  Speaker 2: because they know you've got it wrong and they feel it,
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  Speaker 2: but to know that you actually acknowledge it, I think
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  Speaker 2: is where the healing comes from. And that we were
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  Speaker 2: able to sit in that space and just have that
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  Speaker 2: cuddle at the end of the day and kind of
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  Speaker 2: restore what had been savered was really nice.
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  Speaker 3: I had no idea that you'd had that interaction. I
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  Speaker 3: just knew that you weren't doing great. What I do
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  Speaker 3: know is the cupcakes were fabulous, even if they were
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  Speaker 3: out of a box, and I loved eating the icing sugar.
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  Speaker 3: All week long, eating a cupcake a day. It's been
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  Speaker 3: so nice. We really hope that there's some inspiration, some
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: ideas there for your family, whether it's getting the routine
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: happening at nights and having that special snubble time with
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: the kids, whether it's saying sorry and getting things right
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: when you've kind of stepped in it blown it a
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  Speaker 3: little bit. That's the purpose. I'll do better tomorrow. This
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  Speaker 3: podcast is designed to get us to be introspective and
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: consider how we can dial our parenting in that little
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  Speaker 3: bit better. Thanks so much for sharing your time with us,
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: and we hope that it's been valuable. The Happy Families
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: podcast is produced by Justin Rowlan from Bridge Media. Craig
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: Bruce is our executive producer. Monday morning, we're back with
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: a review of episode five of Parental Guidance, where we
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: meet four new sets of parents and find out how
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: they face up to the challenges of season two of
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: Parental Guidance. We'll see that