Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 78: Two Realities: When Truth, Trauma, and Denial Collide

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78: Two Realities: When Truth, Trauma, and Denial Collide · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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  But today I want to talk a little bit about one of the most
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  confusing moments that the betraying partner feels early in
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  recovery. And it's one of the most painful
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  moments because the partner faces an after betrayal too.
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  It's the moment where two different realities collide.
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  One person says the Sky's blue. The other person says the Sky's
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  green. And both feel absolutely certain
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  that that's true. And this shows up in all sorts
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  of ways. Maybe she, maybe the betrayed
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  partner says you never have empathy.
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  I feel like you are not having empathy.
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  And he says I don't see it that way.
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  I do feel like I have empathy and I do experience it that way.
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  Or maybe there's about the past. Like I know this behavior
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  occurred consistently and it wasn't that way.
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  I feel like you didn't love me and the other person says I did
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  love you even though I made those choices.
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  So we call this the tension. It's the gap, and it's where so
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  much misunderstanding and hurt lives.
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  And today, I want to help you understand what's really
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  happening beneath those moments and how to navigate them with
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  honesty and empathy and integrity.
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  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
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  in the space today. What we're going to be doing is
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  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
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  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
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  about a single action or a moment.
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  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
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  the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
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  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
• 1:33
  regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
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  beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
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  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
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  your authentic self. Because when you dare to show
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  up. Fully the.
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  Rewards are immeasurable, so welcome to be on the facade.
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  Let's get started. Let's talk first about the
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  partners reality. OK, trauma logic.
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  When trust has been broken, the body stops believing the surface
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  level things. So partner who's been betrayed
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  is living in trauma logic. So not because not because she's
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  that person is being unreasonable, but because their
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  nervous system is trying to protect them from further harm.
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  Trauma logic sounds kind of like this.
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  I need to know everything. I can't trust what I'm hearing.
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  If I assume the best, I'll get blindsided again.
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  And if I fill in the gaps with and what happens with a lot of
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  the gaps are get filled in with worst case scenarios.
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  Not because that's where they want to be, but they have to
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  survive somehow. So they fill in the gaps.
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  So when that person has going through that experience, there's
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  going to be a lot of words used like always or never or a
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  constant or everyday. And that person's expressing
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  fear. And it's not necessarily so much
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  literal timeline and accuracy, but their brains trying to
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  create some safety in the absence of not being able to
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  trust. So just recognize that person's
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  not exaggerating, but they're trying to survive and they're
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  trying to make sense of what their current reality is.
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  And that deserves a lot of compassion.
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  OK, so let's talk about his reality or the betraying
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  person's reality. First thing we want to recognize
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  on the other side, he's when recovery, what it consists of is
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  coming out of denial. And can we just maybe give a
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  little bit of space right now for denial isn't just about
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  lying, but it's about, oh, what is it about?
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  It's about like some fragmented memory.
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  There's some emotional numbing in there.
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  There's shame, distortion, there's a lot of
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  compartmentalization. It's a brain protecting itself
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  from discomfort. So when he's in those early
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  stages of breaking through denial, he often doesn't
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  actually know what full accuracy is yet.
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  So he thinks he remembers, and he thinks he's telling the
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  truth. And he is to the extent that his
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  brain currently allows it. And that's not to be weaponized.
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  Please do not allow your partner to hear you say, I don't know if
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  I can see truth yet because Luke said it on a podcast, because
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  that's not what I'm talking about.
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  We're talking about coming out of the dial.
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  But there's a shame filter here. There's a lens.
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  So when he says something like, that's not how I remember it.
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  It's not that it's necessarily minimizing, but he's describing
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  the truth as he understands it at that moment.
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  And that could be madding for the betrayed partner because
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  they're like, why can't you see reality?
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  That is not how it is. But there is so much energy
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  built around seeing in a certain way to to live with self.
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  So I recognize with a lot of the men that I work with, they do
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  fully want to be honest and they do want to rebuild that trust.
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  And he does want to be doing the right thing, but he but what's
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  not baby recognize that he doesn't fully trust his own
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  internal compass yet and that he's worked so hard to come into
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  the reality is that in that moment, there's a protection of
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  that reality. And rather than searching for a
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  deeper level of what is actually going on, there's that
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  protection of what already exists.
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  And it gets in the way. It so gets in the way.
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  So let's talk about the greatest misunderstanding here that
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  exists. OK, So we have these two these
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  two realities that clash. So the trauma says I need the
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  worst case scenario to be true so I can protect myself.
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  Now that's might somehow to be exaggerated, but think about it.
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  If she lacks truth and she lacks reality, she's going to go to
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  worst case scenario and at least there's something there to build
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  something around so she can protect herself.
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  Because if I go to worst case, at least I know what that is.
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  And then I can build something around it because I if I don't
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  at least have that, what do I have?
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  But what is his denial? Recovery says something like I'm
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  trying to tell the truth, but my truth is and my truth, I feel
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  like I know what it is, but it's not perfectly clear yet.
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  So those two interpretations are going to collide big time.
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  So just remember, this isn't about failure and it's not about
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  somebody being dramatic. It's not about someone being
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  dishonest. It's a trauma and shame speaking
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  different languages. OK, so let's redefine this
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  accuracy and early recovery. So what we're after, first of
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  all, is accuracy. So the men that I work with
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  early in recovery, they're not capable of perfect factual
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  accuracy because hold on, when I back that up and actually I
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  don't want to edit that at all. I want that to be exist the way
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  it came out of my mouth. But then I wanted to say, whoa,
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  hold on. Men early in recovery are not
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  capable of perfect factual accuracy in the sense of their
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  fighting for it and they're trying to get to it and they
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  battle with it. And they are willing to look at
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  some thinking errors and go like, that feels like truth to
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  me. That is true.
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  And then willing to listen to their partner talk and be able
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  to go to the deeper level of finding what reality actually is
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  and that it's layered. Our brains are made to take what
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  they can. And that is so painful for the
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  betrayed partner going, that's not actually reality there.
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  It's not about lying, and it's more about thinking like fog
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  that's in the brain that hasn't fully lifted.
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  So accuracy, an early recovery has to kind of be debris
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  defined. Instead of expecting perfect
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  recall, we're going to look for some things.
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  So let's talk about some things that you can actually measure.
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  So what does this mean? And you can measure this as a
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  betrayed partner or as the partner doing the betraying.
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  And what do they do? They speak the truth as they
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  understand today. They saying, hey, this is what
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  my truth is. They don't minimize it.
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  They don't expect it to be somebody else's truth.
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  They don't protect, they don't protect themselves using that
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  truth. They don't exaggerate to appease
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  their partner because sometimes that going along and just can
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  feel like it will eliminate the conflict and it can feel good to
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  betrayed partner. But it's not actually done out
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  of integrity, it's done out of appeasing.
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  So integrity accuracy also consists of being open to new
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  awareness as denial breaks down. So my partner says this and
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  instead of running from it, I listen to it and I seek to
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  understand it And I don't just accept it, but I'm on to let it
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  work inside of me to figure out what it is and what it's not.
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  So it's not black and white. So what do they do?
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  They also hold humility. And I would say actually not so
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  much humility as compassion, knowing that my memory is going
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  to expand as I've become open to new things and they stay
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  accountable even when the details change.
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  So it's like, and how painful is it to all of a sudden go like,
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  oh shoot, I was protecting that and I didn't realize I was.
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  I'll give you an example in my own recovery.
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  I'll tell you something. I was dead set on protecting.
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  It was just like, no, this is true.
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  I remember my partner saying, hey, the way you interact with
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  the opposite sex is not OK. In fact, you're, you're
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  justifying and minimizing by like saying you have a female
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  boss, a female supervisor, and you're she's calling you phrases
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  like muffin or some other phrase.
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  And what I would do is I'd be like, yeah, she does that to
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  everybody. That's just how she is.
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  Like she says, darling, whatever it might be.
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  And my therapist called that out and he said some things.
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  And I was like, no, that's not, I don't, I didn't invite that.
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  I wasn't asking for. Her to.
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  Call me that. And Olana was saying at the
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  time, that's not appropriate and you got to put a stop to it.
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  That's not OK. And I'm like, but I didn't ask
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  for it. So I was like defending like
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  this thing of me not doing anything wrong.
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  And so it's and then as I let's go through these things, what
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  was important for me to do? What was important for me to
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  speak truth, as I understood today, which is don't run, Don't
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  people please and say, yeah, you're right, just because that
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  would ease the conflict. And then the other piece I said
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  don't minimize to protect yourself.
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  What did I do there? I was definitely minimizing.
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  I was definitely saying, hey, she does that with everybody.
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  So I got to a place where I was able to go hold on.
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  Actually, she doesn't do that to everybody.
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  She doesn't do a lot of people, but she doesn't do it to some.
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  So started to not minimize the other one.
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  I said don't exaggerate to a piece.
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  Your partner. I already talked about that.
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  Be open to new awareness as denial breaks down.
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  So eventually because of recovery practices, I'm like,
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  OK, wait, all right, my therapist is saying it, she's
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  saying it. Who am I open to seeing maybe
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  something differently? And then I did, I started to
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  notice like, oh, actually I'm creating an environment where
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  that her doing that is OK. I'm actually sending signals out
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  there letting her know that to interact with me in that way,
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  that I don't have boundaries and I'm OK with that.
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  And I had to hold a lot of compassion for myself as my
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  memory started to expand in this area, as I started to go, oh,
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  you know what? Let me come back to how boundary
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  less I am with her. Even though I'm not attracted to
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  her physically, I'm still boundary less.
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  So as I go and look at this, I'd have a lot of self compassion.
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  And then I staying accountable is a way that you can check
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  integrity accuracy here too. When those details change, going
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  like, you know what, all right, I don't have to go to shame.
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  There's some thinking errors that I had before.
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  So I'm giving you an example here today where where is it did
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  come. I did leave a level of denial
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  and come into reality. And my partner Alana did use a
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  lot of language that were was always and never that wasn't
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  exactly accurate, but I didn't need that wasn't what I needed
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  to focus on. I need to focus on my own
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  experiences. So we're going to look for
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  accuracy. That's important accuracy,
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  that's realistic, that it's honest, and it's going to be a
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  part of that. OK, so let's talk about this,
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  the three parts of an integrity check.
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  So when 2 realities collide, let's talk about a simple,
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  powerful framework that I'm already technically I already
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  ventured into. So I kind of wish I would have
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  done this already, but it's the benchmark of knowing what you're
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  doing is right, even when the details aren't perfect.
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  Here's what we want to look for accuracy, not perfect accuracy,
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  but integrity accuracy. That's what I talked about
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  before. So say what you know, say what
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  you remember, say what you don't know and what you're willing to
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  keep exploring. All right, So that's the
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  integrity accuracy part first and then empathic validation.
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  So honor your partner's emotional experience without it
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  necessarily. You don't have to agree so much
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  with it with something that you are still trying to process
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  through. You can name that, but I'm open
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  to that. But I'm still processing through
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  it. So you can say things like I
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  understand why I feel why I felt inconsistent with empathy.
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  I understand why your body goes to a worst case scenario.
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  I get that that's terrifying. I could see that you're
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  terrified. I can see that you're
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  frustrated. So be empathic and validating
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  and and just remember that validation reduces the threat
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  that the nerve that her nervous system is experiencing through
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  validation. You don't necessarily have to
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  get that. She doesn't have to tell you
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  like, Hey, I feel validated, but you going to state things
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  authentically that are validating.
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  And probably the one that's the hardest for me is doing exactly
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  what I just said. There is.
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  I can see that this is frustrating.
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  I see the frustration State what it is that you see in your
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  partner. All right, the third piece of
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  the last one, first one is accuracy, second one's empathic
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  validation, third one is regulation.
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  So if when it comes to regulation, do I stay grounded?
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  Do I collapse? Do I defend?
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  Do I turn into an argument about who's right, checking with my
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  regulation? So things that you can say I'm
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  here, I'm not going anywhere I can sit with it is discomfort.
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  We'll keep working through this together.
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  Accuracy and validation and regulation is how the person
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  with the betrayed builds trust even when truth is still
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  unfolding and when they're not completely into reality yet if
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  they have those three things. So let me give you a generalized
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  example of what this might sound like a healthy response when
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  you're in A2 reality moment, state your partner what you see
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  them experiencing. I can see how overwhelming this
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  feels of me not just agreeing with what you're seeing.
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  And I want to be fully honest with you.
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  I know I'm coming out of denial and I am open to exploring and
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  getting further clarity of stuff that I'm missing.
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  And I wanted to state to you what I see right now.
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  So I'm going. I wanted to let you know I'm
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  committed to truth telling and I don't want to minimize this
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  version. I have, and I will continue to
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  share with you the truth as it becomes clearer to me and just
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  lean into that, Lean into the uncomfortableness of these two
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  experiences as long as you're seeing hers.
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  So the goal of recovery is not to agree on the exact same color
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  of the sky in every moment. The goal is to understand why
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  you're seeing it the way that you are and when you can hold
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  your evolving truth with humility and stay connected to
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  your partner and see and also stay what your partner's
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  experiencing with compassion and sit there with them in that and
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  explore that with them. Those two realities don't have
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  to be enemies. They can become the beginning of
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  something that's shared, which is a shared reality, and it
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  doesn't happen right away. So just notice those things are
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  a part of that that we talked about this podcast.
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  So healing happens not when the details are perfect, but you
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  don't stop fighting for those details.
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  You don't stop exploring that so you can give your partner the
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  reality, the thing the reality they need to heal.
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  Anyway, thanks for spending some time.
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  If there was anything about this that didn't make sense or you
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  want more clarity on, I always value when you guys show up and
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  send a note to me that says, hey, can you clarify this part
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  or this part doesn't make any sense to me.
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  But anyway, keep fighting and we'll talk to you next time.
• 17:04
  The holidays are coming and this is a time where if you're trying
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  to heal from betrayal, can be such a emotional, hard,
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  difficult time. It's a time where there is often
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  so many external and internal pressures and expectations and
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  triggers can be higher. And so as I thought about the
• 17:27
  holidays, I thought, how can I support you during the holidays?
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  And so this year I am going to be offering a webinar series
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  called A Season of Support. It's a free holiday series for
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  couples. You can come as a couple, you
• 17:45
  can come by yourself. But what it is, is it's a time
• 17:50
  for you to really have some support to not only get you
• 17:55
  through the holidays, but help you not start out in January
• 17:59
  feeling further behind. The amount of people who come to
• 18:03
  me in January in crisis mode because they had put aside their
• 18:08
  healing work and they had just been in kind of a state of
• 18:12
  functional freeze through the holidays is so many.
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  So what I would like to do is help support you to be able to
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  keep doing your work, have support, have tools, and feel
• 18:24
  like you can make it through the holidays.
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  So they'll be 4 weekly sessions. They're on Monday nights.
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  It will be through a Zoom webinar.
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  It is completely free. Some of the topics that will be
• 18:37
  included is holiday triggers, understanding, preparing and
• 18:42
  staying regulated, staying connected with each other in the
• 18:46
  chaos, tools for daily emotional bonding, preventing backsliding,
• 18:51
  accountability repair, keeping your healing work alive, and
• 18:55
  also how to enter January strong, how to enter that new
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  year with a momentum in your healing.
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  So we would love to have you there.
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  You can find everything in the show notes and sending all the
• 19:08
  love and support this holiday season.
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  Hey, thanks for joining us today if this.
• 19:15
  Is something that you connected with I'd love to meet with you
• 19:18
  more and talk about it So what you can do is go to
• 19:20
  chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
• 19:24
  what we can do is set up a quick conversation we.
• 19:26
  Need thanks so much. For listening to beyond the
• 19:29
  facade where we unmask the authentic.
• 19:30
  Self.