Latest / Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design / Ep. 69 Leaving the Mormon Church, Understanding Attachment Styles and Emotional Safety (with special guest Kyleigh Weathers)

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Ep. 69 Leaving the Mormon Church, Understanding Attachment Styles and Emotional Safety (with special guest Kyleigh Weathers) · Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design

• 0:00
  Erin Gray: You're listening to generate a life, well-lived podcast.
• 0:02
  Erin Gray: I'm your friend and confidant, erin gray.
• 0:04
  Erin Gray: On this podcast, we will explore all things money, business and self-development, including human design.
• 0:10
  Erin Gray: I hope you enjoy the journey where I share everything that I know and am continuing to learn along the way, as I honor my heart's desires while inspiring and encouraging you to do the same.
• 0:20
  Erin Gray: Hey, hey, my friends, how are we today?
• 0:22
  Erin Gray: So, on today's podcast, I have Kylie Weathers.
• 0:24
  Erin Gray: She is the founder of Queerly Attached and she is an attachment coach and we're going to talk about all things attachment, unattachment, working through all of her story and so much more.
• 0:39
  Erin Gray: So, kylie, thanks for being here.
• 0:41
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, thanks for having me.
• 0:42
  Kyleigh Weathers: I'm excited to chat with you.
• 0:44
  Kyleigh Weathers: I know this is kind of a different area, different topic for you, so I appreciate you having me on.
• 0:49
  Erin Gray: Yeah, also, too, you know, like before we got on the podcast and we've talked before is one of the things that I feel really passionate about is empowering people and sharing people's story.
• 1:00
  Erin Gray: And I think, at the end of the day, even though we have I don't want to say the world, but also us as humans, have separated ourselves from each other, like we're all human and it's and it's an understanding and it's a wanting to support each other, and so I'm grateful that you're here to to share your story.
• 1:19
  Erin Gray: So you want to dive in just a little bit about your story, backstory and how you got here and all the things, absolutely.
• 1:25
  Kyleigh Weathers: I want to say one thing Yesterday I had a podcast interview.
• 1:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: I was the host, I was interviewing a guest and it was my first actual interview for this podcast that I'm creating called the Place of Pain Podcast.
• 1:38
  Kyleigh Weathers: And do you know that this was just a straight woman that I had come across on Instagram.
• 1:42
  Kyleigh Weathers: Her shit was just so inspiring.
• 1:43
  Kyleigh Weathers: I was so into her message that I reached out and asked her to come on, and one of the first things she said was like I mean, you know, I'm straight, right, and I'm like yep, because it doesn't matter, like it's the same thing, it's like it's inspiring stories and it's learning from each other.
• 1:57
  Kyleigh Weathers: But then it's also like awesome, now you're getting to learn a little bit about queer perspective and how it is a little bit different out here.
• 2:04
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know, in the way that we relate, in the way that we do things, it is a little bit different because of this attachment trauma, which is what we're going to dive into, I guess.
• 2:11
  Kyleigh Weathers: So I just wanted to say that again, just as a like yes, amen to what you said about just learning from each other, because it is empowering.
• 2:19
  Erin Gray: Um and supporting each other.
• 2:21
  Erin Gray: Right, like, I don't know, like when I ask questions, it comes from a genuine place.
• 2:24
  Erin Gray: It doesn't come from and I do think that there are people right that are from a lower vibration and it comes from a judgmental or it comes from a prejudiced place.
• 2:33
  Erin Gray: But for me and it's like I want to learn more I want to support, how can I?
• 2:37
  Erin Gray: Because there are things that I don't know about and it doesn't affect me.
• 2:42
  Erin Gray: So how can we support, you know, and it's not just your community or some, you know, it's, it's all of the races, it's the cultures, it's the all of it.
• 2:50
  Erin Gray: Right?
• 2:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, there's so much, like it's all.
• 2:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: We are all just so complex and I have learned it.
• 2:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: Actually this is kind of part of the story, but just that the more I've gotten to know me like, the more I've gone inside to get to know me, it's almost like getting to know humanity, if that makes sense, like it's almost like you have more empathy and grace.
• 3:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: I feel like as you start to connect those two things back home, it starts to kind of I just see it differently, I guess.
• 3:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: Um, so, as far as like story, I mean, I'm going to do the quick capture because I have a feeling we could really dive into some things.
• 3:22
  Kyleigh Weathers: So I'm going to try and do a quick capture here on this.
• 3:24
  Kyleigh Weathers: But I was raised Mormon, I was also born gay, and so those two things don't quite go together.
• 3:32
  Kyleigh Weathers: And that was what my upbringing was was a trying to fit into these boxes and trying to not be abandoned, not be rejected.
• 3:40
  Kyleigh Weathers: And that is what all of us are doing in attachment.
• 3:44
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, we're all trying to be safe, and also safe from abandonment and rejection.
• 3:49
  Kyleigh Weathers: And because of those two things, because they're so frightening, our subconscious ends up kind of coming up with strategies to keep us safe from that.
• 3:56
  Kyleigh Weathers: So these strategies may be things like just not speaking up, right People pleasing or becoming really hypervigilant.
• 4:05
  Kyleigh Weathers: So for me during that time, the things I was doing to make sure that I was going to be safe and still accepted in that home, in that church, in that culture, was just a lot of hiding and a lot of masking People pleasing.
• 4:21
  Kyleigh Weathers: But also I was raised in a home that was a.
• 4:24
  Kyleigh Weathers: My dad was in the military.
• 4:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: He was a Colonel in the army.
• 4:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: He was in for 32 years and he was.
• 4:30
  Kyleigh Weathers: We really were like this little Von Trapp family.
• 4:33
  Kyleigh Weathers: They were like we had a fall in.
• 4:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: There was no whistle, but like we had a fall in, we would down the stairs, get in the line and do the whole damn thing and and also perform for families that were over visiting.
• 4:45
  Kyleigh Weathers: It was a lot, and so I did also grow up with this sense of like you've got to do things right, and that became one of my most limiting beliefs.
• 4:56
  Kyleigh Weathers: And that's the thing that I'm helping clients do, which is to kind of uproot some of these limiting beliefs and kind of see where did these form and how are these things actually impacting each relationship as we move, because these attachments that we have with our parents of course we then carry, because we've been modeled by them right.
• 5:16
  Kyleigh Weathers: We carry them into our next relationships.
• 5:18
  Kyleigh Weathers: And for the queer community there tends to be a lot of chaos, especially in a lot of these relationships that you didn't even know you were queer and then you fell in love with someone like.
• 5:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's a very common tale of a lot of these late in life lesbians, right, coming out because you fell in love with your best friend.
• 5:38
  Kyleigh Weathers: That was my.
• 5:39
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's what happened to me at 16 years old.
• 5:41
  Kyleigh Weathers: So at 16, fell in love with the bestie, and when my Mormon parents found out, it became right, we got to do life right.
• 5:48
  Kyleigh Weathers: So let's, let's.
• 5:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: They were very as far as Mormon parents go.
• 5:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: They were like, oh, we're gonna so be supportive of you to help you get over this.
• 5:57
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, I actually was just filming a little video about struggling with same-sex attraction that's what we called it ssa and so I had ssa and we went to specialists and bishops and repenting and it was a lot.
• 6:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: It was a lot, um, and I was able to like push through that, but it completely changed the way that I showed up, right, because being caught, like being unmasked, it was terrifying.
• 6:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: It was terrifying because I just in my head knew I would be kicked out.
• 6:31
  Kyleigh Weathers: Now, did I get kicked out?
• 6:33
  Kyleigh Weathers: No, I didn't.
• 6:34
  Kyleigh Weathers: So the worst thing didn't happen, but I had very well-meaning good intentions, like of these parents, right, who from this mormon faith.
• 6:44
  Kyleigh Weathers: So those things actually did do me harm.
• 6:46
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, I was harmed by that messaging right and it took me years to really come through this fact of like.
• 6:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: This isn't a fucking struggle, this isn't a choice.
• 6:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: This isn't a phase.
• 6:56
  Kyleigh Weathers: To be honest, it would never have been a choice I would have made.
• 6:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: It would not have been a choice I would have made just because of how difficult it is, even today, to show up queer in this, in this world.
• 7:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: I have a friend in idaho who just got harassed, like three months ago, by four teenagers in a car because she had a pride sticker on her car, just yelling mean shit, you know, and you're like they're not.
• 7:21
  Kyleigh Weathers: They did so brazen about it.
• 7:22
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, that shit still happens.
• 7:24
  Kyleigh Weathers: So all of those types of things is sending messaging right.
• 7:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: Being in a closet it's traumatizing.
• 7:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: We talk a lot about coming out of it, but a lot happened in it that doesn't get discussed.
• 7:34
  Kyleigh Weathers: So that's what the mission of Queerly Attached is is what I'm really hoping is to help those of us who have insecure attachment styles to become securely attached so that we can actually have relationships that are thriving and fulfilling and healthy.
• 7:49
  Kyleigh Weathers: And of course, you know the secret is it's not a secret.
• 7:53
  Kyleigh Weathers: It begins right back here, at home, right.
• 7:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: It begins with reconnecting to self, because self-abandoning just means disconnecting.
• 8:02
  Kyleigh Weathers: For me to stay connected to you, right?
• 8:04
  Kyleigh Weathers: I'm fearful of losing this connection, so I'm just going to go ahead and give me up.
• 8:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's self-abandonment and that's the true heartbreak of being in the closet.
• 8:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's just all the moments of self-abandoning.
• 8:17
  Erin Gray: Yeah, because the message basically is it's not okay to be who you are.
• 8:20
  Erin Gray: Right, like exactly.
• 8:21
  Erin Gray: I mean, it wasn't like.
• 8:22
  Erin Gray: Oh honey, okay, how do we support you?
• 8:24
  Erin Gray: Learn more about this and what do we do?
• 8:26
  Erin Gray: It's like we have to change you because who you are is not okay, and this is a problem and this needs to be fixed.
• 8:33
  Kyleigh Weathers: Well, and do you know, one of the things I remember most was how quickly, I want to say, by that evening of, like, full confession coming out they had printed.
• 8:43
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know, know, this is back when printers you got to rip them.
• 8:45
  Kyleigh Weathers: I mean it was like a big deal to print shit.
• 8:46
  Kyleigh Weathers: They had printed talks for me that apostles and like leaders in the church, had started giving you know about same-sex attraction.
• 8:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: They had just started talking more about it because, uh, hawaii was starting to talk about having same-sex marriage right around the world.
• 9:02
  Kyleigh Weathers: We were starting to talk about having same-sex marriage right Around the world.
• 9:04
  Kyleigh Weathers: We were starting to talk about this thing, and so the church had started speaking on this thing before no one was talking on it.
• 9:10
  Kyleigh Weathers: They weren't speaking to the members who were dealing with that, and so so many members end up in, of course, marriages, because that's what the church teaches is to go build a family and have more children and keep repeating this yeah, what year was this in?
• 9:25
  Erin Gray: is to go build a family and have more children and keep repeating this yeah, what year was this?
• 9:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: in 1999.
• 9:32
  Kyleigh Weathers: It was like that winter to 2000 when that all flipped yeah.
• 9:36
  Erin Gray: Early 2000.
• 9:37
  Kyleigh Weathers: So that just kind of set the course for like just being in the closet and I ended up serving a mission for the church as well.
• 9:45
  Erin Gray: Um, even after you had come out and everything, yeah, well, so I, I never came out.
• 9:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: It was just struggling and we definitely didn't tell anyone.
• 9:53
  Kyleigh Weathers: This was like something you don't share with the church, right, like only your leaders know, and you're repenting and doing those things there, um, and so it was never a.
• 10:03
  Kyleigh Weathers: Uh, there was.
• 10:04
  Kyleigh Weathers: I do not remember a discussion of there ever being like are you a lesbian?
• 10:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: The most I ever remember of that question was, um, do you like girls?
• 10:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: And I remember saying that I was afraid to be friends with girls now, because of what had happened and this was in therapy we had gone to literally Utah to meet, like one of the leading specialists for Mormon same-sex attraction.
• 10:30
  Kyleigh Weathers: And when I met her you know this is burned in my in my memory sitting on that chair and hearing her reply to me yes, it is going to happen again and we're going to build boundaries up so that it doesn't happen again.
• 10:43
  Kyleigh Weathers: And so that is what I learned, right, like, no, don't be friends with girls.
• 10:47
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like, don't get emotionally connected, don't?
• 10:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know what I mean?
• 10:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, so you lose all this time of self-discovery.
• 10:53
  Kyleigh Weathers: So then, when you really do come out, I mean God, so many of us are coming out in our 30s, 40s.
• 10:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know what I mean.
• 11:00
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's like having to go through all of that again and figuring that shit out and figuring out you oh, by the way, you may have children at this point because you did do the heteronormative thing and get married.
• 11:13
  Kyleigh Weathers: Hi, that's me.
• 11:13
  Kyleigh Weathers: I have a 10 year old.
• 11:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: He'll be 11 in two days but you know, being out of the church, one thing that my ex-husband said was for him.
• 11:25
  Kyleigh Weathers: He said it was like someone had just taken a cloak off of me and he could just.
• 11:30
  Kyleigh Weathers: It was just like here.
• 11:31
  Kyleigh Weathers: She is right, um, and so he.
• 11:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: He and I are still fan.
• 11:36
  Kyleigh Weathers: We're fantastic co-parents together and he lives two buildings over.
• 11:39
  Kyleigh Weathers: I can, like I can, see his building from here and and it's, it's been a beautiful.
• 11:44
  Kyleigh Weathers: We left the church together and, um that can be trauma in and of itself.
• 11:51
  Kyleigh Weathers: Oh, leaving the church is horrific.
• 11:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: Your whole world crashes.
• 11:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: I mean it literally is like crash and you have to figure out.
• 11:57
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like what the fuck do I pick up and you abandon a lot?
• 12:00
  Kyleigh Weathers: I it took me years to reconnect back to like any sense of spirit and like universe or God, like all of that gets co-opted right.
• 12:10
  Kyleigh Weathers: I believe now, like the thing that they do is like take our intuition and say, hey, this is the Holy Spirit, yes, and you can have it back, but make sure that you do da-da-da-da-da.
• 12:21
  Kyleigh Weathers: And here's the way that this thing is going to feel and look.
• 12:23
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, and I remember being young and talking to my parents about how come I feel the spirit during SportsCenter top 10?
• 12:31
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like all of that feeling like it all felt, like what they said, the spirit felt like like fucking SportsCenter can make me feel that feeling right, like that's me, man, like that that is me, that is my soul, that that is me, that is my soul, that is things that resonate are mine and to take it and say it's this.
• 12:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: And also there are all these things now to keep it.
• 12:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's so harmful and it starts so young.
• 12:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: We receive the Holy ghost when we were baptized at eight years old.
• 12:57
  Kyleigh Weathers: So it's it's a big responsibility and it stressed me out for my eight to nine year old.
• 13:03
  Kyleigh Weathers: I remember being stressed about losing that damn thing.
• 13:05
  Kyleigh Weathers: I remember just being so worried that I was going to lose this Holy ghost, you know.
• 13:10
  Kyleigh Weathers: So that's the Mormon backstory on that.
• 13:14
  Erin Gray: It's.
• 13:14
  Erin Gray: It's you know a way of, because I grew up, well, we did go to church for a while, and then of course it was.
• 13:23
  Erin Gray: I think it was non-denominational.
• 13:24
  Erin Gray: And then of course it was.
• 13:26
  Erin Gray: I think it was non-denominational, and then he was talking about preaching about don't be gay, and here he was having an affair with his wife, with his I don't know what you call them helper.
• 13:34
  Erin Gray: I don't know what he was, you know.
• 13:35
  Erin Gray: So he was doing what he is, like telling everyone not to do and condemn which I don't care.
• 13:40
  Erin Gray: But here you are, you are not living and being who you are, and so from then on, like from 10 on, we never did church, went to church anything of that sort.
• 13:47
  Erin Gray: So that, and I have friends that have been highly religious and have kind of moved away from that, and it's there's so much conditioning that is involved in religion, and you realize, like you're saying about you know they take your intuition and they put it in.
• 14:02
  Erin Gray: You know it's like this form of control you know, form of control and you don't realize it.
• 14:11
  Erin Gray: I don't think a lot of people realize it when they're in it, right, because this is what I always never understood.
• 14:16
  Erin Gray: It's like, well, how, how do we operate one way six days a week and then we're someone completely different on the seventh day?
• 14:23
  Erin Gray: Like don't we just love all the humans and aren't we just good people?
• 14:26
  Erin Gray: They're like, what are we doing here?
• 14:27
  Erin Gray: And there was such hypocrisy and you know, you know, I'm sure you can tell more about the Mormon, but it's like if you, if you aren't Mormon, then you can't.
• 14:36
  Erin Gray: You know, um, maybe be friends or do things in that community.
• 14:42
  Erin Gray: And it's just like, wait a second here, like this is not.
• 14:46
  Erin Gray: You know what it's meant to be, but and then the like you're saying, the repenting, and in your body, like what that actually does to you know, because think about the lower vibration emotions and the shame and the guilt that you feel and then having that, um, what that creates for you in your body.
• 15:13
  Erin Gray: Do you want to share a little bit about that?
• 15:16
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, I mean I think I wrote down what you were saying there about the control.
• 15:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: I think that is the power.
• 15:22
  Kyleigh Weathers: I think that's what I have found in my life beyond these things, and especially as I really I got certified in attachment theory through the personal development school.
• 15:32
  Kyleigh Weathers: After really putting all of those things together, it was just so clear that so much of my life choices were based on this attachment right, we're based on these insecure attachments, and and my body ended up catching up to me, like quite literally caught up to me, with a spinal cord injury, and waking up paralyzed was like all the fucking signal I needed, right.
• 16:00
  Kyleigh Weathers: But do you know, it took me 10 years to figure out that, like, not that I'm saying that like because I was gay and I was repressed, I broke my back.
• 16:07
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's not what I'm saying.
• 16:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: But there was so much unexplained about what happened to me that, as I started to learn more about what embodiment actually is, what like alignment and attunement, what that means, hell, yeah, I believe that my body was screaming at me yeah, yeah, absolutely.
• 16:25
  Erin Gray: That is another.
• 16:25
  Erin Gray: I mean, that's another podcast, and, like what I believe about the medical industry and how they have, I mean, you see, all of these different industries and and organizations that I think it is coming from a place of, they are disempowered, they feel fear, they want to control and it's a way to to dis.
• 16:45
  Erin Gray: How can we get you disconnected from yourself?
• 16:48
  Erin Gray: Because they don't truly believe in empowerment of everyone and, and you know, higher good and highest good for everyone.
• 16:55
  Erin Gray: And so it's this, you know, with the idea that, like, no, your body is always talking to you, like, I believe, our bodies are our greatest messengers, and it may not have started with the spinal cord, it may have started with you know, like you said, think about all that shame, all those, like you just said, and not only like it's not just the body talking to us.
• 17:15
  Kyleigh Weathers: Think about.
• 17:15
  Kyleigh Weathers: Emotion is literally a somatic experience, right?
• 17:18
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like it's literally your body speaking to you hey, here's this message, hey, here's this need that may not be met, or hey, here's where a boundary was crossed, or here's where you need one.
• 17:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's just all messaging, and when we ignore it and push it out, we're just basically saying to ourselves you don't matter, there's not time for this, there's not time for you, we've got to move on.
• 17:39
  Kyleigh Weathers: And especially when you're living in a religion that is so eternal perspective, like you can't be mindful if all you're worried about is eternity, right?
• 17:49
  Erin Gray: So that's what they, that's what they really.
• 17:52
  Erin Gray: Yes, the families are forever.
• 17:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: Families are forever is, like one of the most beautiful things that they teach.
• 17:58
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right Is a.
• 17:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: Families can be together forever in heaven, and in these, you know, they have an you know, a little bit extra dogma when it comes to the post life, but, yeah, this idea of the family being together forever, though, can be harmful when there are all these ways that you cannot make it to heaven.
• 18:18
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, one of them, being actively gay, right, actively gay, like being actively gay is not going to allow me to enter this heaven that my parents are aspiring for, right.
• 18:30
  Kyleigh Weathers: There's a lot of grief there for them.
• 18:31
  Kyleigh Weathers: There's a lot of grief there for them.
• 18:33
  Kyleigh Weathers: There's a lot of sadness there for them.
• 18:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: This family's forever was one of the big messages that they joined the church for, right, and you've got three out of four kids not Mormon, and it has hurt them.
• 18:46
  Kyleigh Weathers: It has hurt our relationships.
• 18:48
  Kyleigh Weathers: They also don't know how to, really.
• 18:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: How do you love and care for your queer kid when you really really believe that it's a choice?
• 18:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, right, like there's, what do you do?
• 19:03
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know what I mean, um, and so I don't like the struggle of my relationship with them.
• 19:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's really I've started to accept more that just they are very, very involved in what they do.
• 19:17
  Kyleigh Weathers: And they have been part of it for a very, very long time and they are on this back end of life and I'm not sure they can handle.
• 19:26
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know what it would mean if the church wasn't true.
• 19:30
  Kyleigh Weathers: I don't think that that would be something that their brains at this point would even be able to fathom, and so it's just accepting that.
• 19:38
  Kyleigh Weathers: That doesn't make me a kid, that isn't doing it right, or that doesn't make me not considered or loved or mattered or all the different beliefs that get rooted in because of this messaging.
• 19:51
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, it's all about what do you make it mean right, and you get to decide what it means.
• 19:57
  Kyleigh Weathers: But if you're making something mean something that's making you miserable, like yo, let's back up and figure out what the meaning is then, because we don't need to move that way.
• 20:05
  Kyleigh Weathers: We get to decide.
• 20:06
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's the control and that's why they take the intuition right.
• 20:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's just that's when we know what's right, we, when we know what's right, it's because we do have this control and intuition, and of course we've.
• 20:18
  Kyleigh Weathers: We now know that there really is no idea of this right.
• 20:21
  Kyleigh Weathers: There is no right.
• 20:22
  Kyleigh Weathers: I've learned.
• 20:23
  Kyleigh Weathers: You can pivot, you can change you.
• 20:25
  Kyleigh Weathers: There is no nothing static right about this shit.
• 20:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: All right, we can pivot and change anytime we want, but we're so scared to do it because of how dark it looks on the other side of change, and so we stay.
• 20:36
  Kyleigh Weathers: We stay because it's safer to stay than it is, you know, to risk being abandoned or rejected or you know all those things that come with vulnerability and being unmasked.
• 20:45
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's, it's.
• 20:46
  Kyleigh Weathers: It can be scary to show up vulnerable over and over and over when you're not met with that.
• 20:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: Do you know what I mean?
• 20:56
  Erin Gray: Because we haven't been taught or shown or experienced that we have sovereignty.
• 21:03
  Erin Gray: We have, you know, I don't want to say control over our bodies, but like, this is our temple, this is our you know, um, and so when you, when you grow up regardless of Mormon or whatever right, when you grow up, that my safety exists outside of me, right?
• 21:20
  Erin Gray: I mean, Gabor Mate talks about this a lot it's like the betrayal of oneself.
• 21:24
  Erin Gray: And you know, when our safety we put on, you know, because that our caregivers I mean you know you don't receive love, Like that is the one thing that they have found, right, what will actually kill someone, Cause us to expire?
• 21:40
  Erin Gray: Yeah, yeah, Absence of love.
• 21:42
  Kyleigh Weathers: As infants.
• 21:42
  Kyleigh Weathers: We literally need these people to survive.
• 21:44
  Kyleigh Weathers: So it makes sense then, of course, that, yes, we attach in ways that at least I'll be able to be safe, right, but what we aren't taught is emotional safety.
• 21:53
  Kyleigh Weathers: What does it look, safety?
• 21:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: What does it look like?
• 21:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: What does it feel like?
• 21:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: How do we build a foundation on it?
• 21:57
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like we believe emotional intimacy is safety, and that's often what's happening in a lot of these fast relationship escalator relationships.
• 22:05
  Kyleigh Weathers: Um, relationship escalator, that's what I'm going to say there.
• 22:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: Um, but I, I the the control you mentioned.
• 22:13
  Kyleigh Weathers: You said the thing about controlling your body.
• 22:15
  Kyleigh Weathers: I like to think of it, less about.
• 22:16
  Kyleigh Weathers: When you think about when we talk about emotions and bodies, we just like control and regulation and we use these words and I'm like they're too.
• 22:24
  Kyleigh Weathers: they're still just too tight for me, and so I've started to think of it more as like allowing and noticing right, just allowing and noticing and then releasing.
• 22:32
  Kyleigh Weathers: The release can be beautiful right to actually release emotions is like sitting in temple, right, it is a sacred sitting to sit with yourself and actually feel the damn thing instead of put meaning to the damn thing, you know and yeah, I'm glad you said that, because I'm like I don't like the word control, because people are like control your ego.
• 22:52
  Erin Gray: It's like it's it's not meant to be controlled, it's just here with us, it's our friend, you know.
• 22:57
  Erin Gray: Um, yeah, and so the allowing and the I think, allowing.
• 23:01
  Erin Gray: I have always said like I don't know if allowing is an emotion, but it's definitely allowing and encouraging are two.
• 23:06
  Erin Gray: Let's just put them in the emotion category, right, that it is something that we are not taught to do, right, like people think courage is this big bravado, like I'm going to go in there, you know, like you see so many like movies or you know military and I'm going to go.
• 23:21
  Erin Gray: And it's like no, courage doesn't isn't without fear right.
• 23:26
  Kyleigh Weathers: I say that courage is courage is doing it afraid.
• 23:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yes, exactly, that's really.
• 23:31
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's yeah, absolutely that if you, if you're not afraid of the thing, right, like, then what is the thing to be gained?
• 23:38
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, right, like, there's a lot of times we just get stuck in these like places of pain really, because we're just so scared of what's on the other side, right, and it can be super scary, yeah, um.
• 23:51
  Kyleigh Weathers: So, yeah, I think the emotional regulation, as we say that's one of the things I talk with my son about often is, like, isn't it wild that we don't have a class for that?
• 23:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like, why are we not taught that in school?
• 24:02
  Kyleigh Weathers: Why are we not, you know, taught how to sit with these things?
• 24:07
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, a lot of dismissive, avoidant people, which is one of the insecure attachment styles, have a really difficult time actually even naming emotion.
• 24:17
  Kyleigh Weathers: I like, quite literally, I'm sitting on an emotion wheel pillow, like I mean there's literal moments that we were pulling this out and we're trying to name this thing because it is so just stunted.
• 24:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: They have been taught that it is not safe to talk about those things, and so imagine then when you have this dismissive, avoidant person then being paired up with this anxious, preoccupied person like it's just this push, pull, it can wreck you, it can wreck your nervous system, and if you're in a relationship where you are just constantly feeling confused, like it's time to have a sitting with yourself.
• 24:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, and it may be a difficult sitting, but it's not about showing up with judgment.
• 25:03
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's about showing up with curiosity, right, like we've said.
• 25:06
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like if you can get curious about it, this belief, or if you can get curious about yourself, like imagine all the interests that we ever put in other people.
• 25:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like what if you put that level of interest back into you?
• 25:16
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like how many conversations I've had with myself and be like, oh, look at this part, this part that I've just called up a Kylie from 2020, right, who?
• 25:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: I'm still dealing with some grief from something?
• 25:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, like I sit in conversation with those parts because it's all of us.
• 25:34
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's what embodiment is.
• 25:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's whole, it's integrated and we can't move on.
• 25:38
  Kyleigh Weathers: We can't just like leave parts of us behind, like we.
• 25:40
  Kyleigh Weathers: We have to move forward together.
• 25:42
  Kyleigh Weathers: Um, and parts work is one of my favorite things to do.
• 25:45
  Kyleigh Weathers: I just you've got to be interested in yourself.
• 25:48
  Kyleigh Weathers: This is your life, right, for me, it just became hold up, hold up, hold up.
• 25:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: I've been jumping from relationship to relationship to relationship to avoid this thing called single right, and I didn't know that it was subconscious, but I was just so terrified to be alone and I just kept moving through these things.
• 26:04
  Kyleigh Weathers: At the after my last relationship ended, I decided no, no, this I've got to.
• 26:13
  Kyleigh Weathers: We got to take a pause here.
• 26:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: What the hell is going on?
• 26:16
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, this is, this is so patterned and the most common denominator here is me.
• 26:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: So like, let's figure this shit out right.
• 26:22
  Kyleigh Weathers: And like diving deep, diving deep into my own attachment style, like starting to do my own attachment wounding and, like that, getting those wounds actually dressed properly.
• 26:32
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, whoa, just cleared my head.
• 26:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: Just cleared my head.
• 26:37
  Kyleigh Weathers: Um, it is so much more comfortable now to actually feel my feelings.
• 26:43
  Kyleigh Weathers: I actually enjoy it.
• 26:45
  Kyleigh Weathers: I like diving into the discovery.
• 26:46
  Kyleigh Weathers: I like figuring out oh, what's going on under here, right?
• 26:49
  Kyleigh Weathers: Um, it's, it's just a practice.
• 26:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's something I do every day.
• 26:53
  Kyleigh Weathers: I practice secure.
• 26:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's what I say every day, and I've learned some really beautiful lessons from it, because at the end of that relationship, what I decided was yo, at the end of life, wherever that's going to be, if my last few breaths are like in my head I'm thinking about how sad I am that I wasn't in relationship breaths, or like in my head I'm thinking about how sad I am that I wasn't in relationship Like I was.
• 27:19
  Kyleigh Weathers: I cried for that, kylie.
• 27:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: I was like, oh hell, no, that's not it, that's no not doing that life.
• 27:25
  Kyleigh Weathers: And so it just became a shift.
• 27:26
  Kyleigh Weathers: It became a shift of, like, honestly dating the fuck out of myself, you know, and hell, secure and single, and I'm enjoying it.
• 27:31
  Kyleigh Weathers: And that doesn't mean I'm not wanting partnership, I'm just not seeking anything.
• 27:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: I'm just doing my life.
• 27:36
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, and I know that it's all about energy, it's all about frequency and, you know, it's been amazing the people that have been drawn to like to my world and I've been drawn to their circle, and it's almost this like finding of your people, because you just can't tolerate these insecure conflicts anymore.
• 27:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, like conflict can lead to connection and we're just as scared of conflict as we are of ourselves, and when both of those things are happening, nobody's safe.
• 28:05
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah.
• 28:06
  Erin Gray: That's what I always tell clients.
• 28:07
  Erin Gray: Like we think it's this huge thing.
• 28:10
  Erin Gray: Right, it's just practice.
• 28:11
  Erin Gray: It's you have been more practiced at not feeling your feelings than you have at practice at feeling them, and it's just like riding a bike or whatever new skill that you're learning.
• 28:22
  Erin Gray: It's, it's just practice and it's going to feel really intense in your body at first and it's going to feel really uncomfortable and you're probably going to want to run away or it's going to be.
• 28:30
  Erin Gray: You know you're going to be breathing quickly or whatever it is, and then the more you do it, the more it's like oh, here we are, what do we need?
• 28:36
  Erin Gray: in this moment.
• 28:37
  Erin Gray: Do you know?
• 28:38
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's everything that we're coaching our children on these sports teams, yep, yes, everything that we're expecting of these children to show up to baseball and do, yeah Right, I'm sorry, I'm a baseball coach, but it just it is.
• 28:51
  Kyleigh Weathers: That it is a practice, which is why I think hiring a coach makes so much sense.
• 29:02
  Kyleigh Weathers: You have this many years of a pattern of feeling, your feels, this way, and if you can recognize that doing it this way isn't fulfilling or working, why wouldn't you go?
• 29:06
  Kyleigh Weathers: Resource the fuck out of yourself?
• 29:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like it just makes sense to me.
• 29:10
  Kyleigh Weathers: I go to therapy Tuesdays at three and I have a coach Like, why not?
• 29:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: This is my walk, this is the walk I get, and I just, I, just it doesn't feel like taking control of my life.
• 29:21
  Kyleigh Weathers: It just feels almost like a letting go of, just like yo, we really are not in control of as much as we think or want to be in.
• 29:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: And even that phrase like let them you know that phrase like it's very empowering, let them very empowering.
• 29:37
  Kyleigh Weathers: But even that is insinuating that you have some kind of control over allowing them or not, that you don't, you just don't.
• 29:44
  Kyleigh Weathers: So even with that phrase, we are still seeking some amount of soothing over the fact that all we can control is right here, yeah.
• 29:51
  Kyleigh Weathers: And when you don't have control of even right here, yeah.
• 29:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: It makes sense that life is really bonkers, yeah.
• 29:57
  Erin Gray: I mean and that's what we've been taught, right?
• 29:58
  Erin Gray: Like, if you can control the people, if you can control the, you know how someone's going to be or what someone's going to say or do, or I mean, and all of this, which obviously feels very disempowering like I mean, and you don't, like you said, we have no control other than how we think, how we feel.
• 30:20
  Erin Gray: You know, choosing on purpose.
• 30:21
  Erin Gray: Okay, I'm choosing to feel this way, right, but like, when our emotions come up, we allow them and what we're going to do, like that's literally what we have sovereignty.
• 30:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's what we have.
• 30:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, it is very little, it is very little, but the crazy part is it's the biggest, because then it really does become like a choose your own adventure out there, like you really are creating something at that point, because every choice you're showing up with intention yeah, right, and the intention is I'm going to feel this, that's it.
• 30:48
  Kyleigh Weathers: I'm going to feel this.
• 30:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: You learn how to deal with it, right, then it's healed.
• 30:53
  Kyleigh Weathers: But you can't skip this first step.
• 30:55
  Kyleigh Weathers: You just can't.
• 30:56
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's like going out there and just thinking you're going to like be knocking home runs.
• 30:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know, no, you're going to have to get in the batting cage, like you're going to have to.
• 31:03
  Kyleigh Weathers: First of all, you know these little kids staring down these fastballs.
• 31:07
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's terrifying Like I'm a new baseball coach.
• 31:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's terrifying being up there with these little kids, baseball coach.
• 31:12
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's terrifying being up there with these little kids, little bonkers.
• 31:15
  Kyleigh Weathers: Kids just learn how to throw and they're chucking balls at you Like, yes, it's scary.
• 31:19
  Kyleigh Weathers: You got to learn to stay in the box, though, yeah, and then you start to hit better, right.
• 31:21
  Kyleigh Weathers: So you got to face the fear and and realize that the truth is it probably wouldn't be so bad if you were the one that changed.
• 31:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, you know.
• 31:30
  Erin Gray: I wrote down resistance, because what I feel like, because there have been clients that are like, okay, well, just tell me, tell me, like the steps, what it was like.
• 31:36
  Erin Gray: That in it, even of itself, is resistance right.
• 31:40
  Erin Gray: Like this is not some like quick fix, hurry up, work through this thing.
• 31:46
  Erin Gray: Like this might be what your soul has come here to learn, and this might be a lifetime of lessons, right, and this might be a lifetime of lessons, right.
• 31:54
  Erin Gray: And so it's like get your favorite blankie, get your favorite seat and like sink into, like this is it right?
• 32:00
  Erin Gray: And so, instead of like how do I get through this as quickly as possible, or how do I transform this, or how do I work through this, or it's like, no, like this might be what the soul's lesson is and okay.
• 32:10
  Kyleigh Weathers: And you miss so many of those lessons when you don't attend to these feelings Like they really are.
• 32:16
  Kyleigh Weathers: I say they're like old friends knocking on your door right.
• 32:19
  Erin Gray: They're just like.
• 32:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: Hey, what's up?
• 32:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: And you get to decide how you're going to greet them and if it really is like an old friend, you're not going to like invite them in and then like put them in the basement, right, and be like I'll check on you, and six months later you have a squatter, like that's not how you do it, but that's that's what.
• 32:33
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's what we do with our emotions.
• 32:34
  Kyleigh Weathers: All the time.
• 32:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: We're just like no, no, no, no, no I don't have time for that right now, cause I definitely can't lose it and sob for eight hours Cool, here's the thing those sobbing for eight hours, that's not the emotion, that's the thinking.
• 32:48
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, right, emotion actually takes like 30 to 90 seconds to release.
• 32:53
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's when we add the thinking to emotion that that's when the suffering starts.
• 32:56
  Kyleigh Weathers: So that's, I mean, really, that's probably what I'm sure, that's what you're coaching your clients as well.
• 33:00
  Kyleigh Weathers: Is that really?
• 33:01
  Kyleigh Weathers: The first step is a pause and a breath and a okay, who is this?
• 33:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: Who's at the door?
• 33:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, it's who's here, and let's name it.
• 33:11
  Kyleigh Weathers: And then, a lot of times, when you name it, you'll feel it somewhere in your body, right, a lot of times, yeah.
• 33:16
  Erin Gray: Yeah, go ahead.
• 33:17
  Erin Gray: I was going to say, even naming it sometimes will take you into your head right Versus just what?
• 33:22
  Erin Gray: Where is the sensation in your body?
• 33:24
  Erin Gray: Cause I don't think, like you showed the pillow, I don't think a lot of us could name all of those emotions, but you can see like, oh, I feel this in my left part of my chest, or I feel this in the top of my stomach, or just feeling where it is being sensed in your body is enough, like we don't even sometimes need to go to the naming, just just notice the sensation in your body and, like you said, you know, 60 to 90 seconds, it's done.
• 33:49
  Erin Gray: It's just the resistance that we don't want to cry and we don't.
• 33:53
  Erin Gray: Here's the other thing I think.
• 33:54
  Erin Gray: I think consciousness is changing in the world and we have not valued you.
• 34:01
  Erin Gray: You're allowed to call in sick, to work or not show up because you are physically ill, but if you were to say I don't, I feel sad today.
• 34:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: I need a mental health day.
• 34:11
  Erin Gray: Yeah, I need a mental health day, I don't want to come in, or you know, we are feeling sad and then we're like, like you said, grabbing my pillow and getting my blankie, but then I don't get out of my bed for 18 hours.
• 34:39
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah Right, Like what happened?
• 34:41
  Kyleigh Weathers: Did I feel it?
• 34:42
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like?
• 34:43
  Kyleigh Weathers: Did I?
• 34:43
  Kyleigh Weathers: Or did I sit thinking?
• 34:44
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know what I mean?
• 34:45
  Kyleigh Weathers: And depression is real.
• 34:46
  Kyleigh Weathers: I'm on depression medication, yeah, but when you learn to actually feel the things, I don't know, it's almost like maybe we would respect it more, Maybe we would.
• 34:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: I think part of it isn't even like some people, it's not even that they're resisting a cry.
• 34:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's more like I remember, as I started practicing this, it was almost like my brain wanted to keep crying, Cause it was like we're not for real sad if we don't cry hours and hours over this.
• 35:07
  Kyleigh Weathers: And it was like you know, but they were done, it was done, the thing had come out and a lot of times you can actually feel it like release.
• 35:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know, and it's this, it's this moment with your body that we skip all the time, Like to just be riding in this vehicle all the time and never checking in.
• 35:24
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's, it's just it.
• 35:26
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, you got to check in.
• 35:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: We need tune-ups, man.
• 35:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: We just have to.
• 35:29
  Erin Gray: We've got to.
• 35:30
  Erin Gray: Yeah, I want to say the blankie and the pillow is more so like get comfortable with where you're at Right.
• 35:35
  Erin Gray: It's like not in the sadness but like hey, this is going to be a lifetime, so get comfy, whatever is your favorite, you know, drink in your.
• 35:44
  Erin Gray: I mean, I'm using it you know visually you know, but it's like hey, this is, this is the thing, and I think you were saying something about.
• 35:53
  Erin Gray: Our focus is so much on outward of everyone else versus the internal.
• 36:00
  Erin Gray: Like how often do you talk to yourself, how often do you ask yourself, how often do you look at yourself in the mirror and smile at yourself?
• 36:06
  Erin Gray: How often do you say, atta, girl, I'm so proud of you today, for whatever you know?
• 36:10
  Erin Gray: Like that is not here we go, go back to, that is not a taught skill, that we self love, you know.
• 36:17
  Erin Gray: Like that isn't a taught skill.
• 36:19
  Erin Gray: Like you're saying in school.
• 36:20
  Erin Gray: Like we don't teach emotions, we don't teach loving.
• 36:22
  Erin Gray: Like it has been a very contentious I don't like that word, but it sometimes feel that way right.
• 36:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like it's like a judgment place versus you know it's judgment and that I think that's why it is like you're saying, like this conscious awakening, yeah, I think that that sort of began.
• 36:41
  Kyleigh Weathers: Remember several, several was it's been decades now, I don't know as self-care started kind of bubbling up and it was like, oh, this is a thing, right, but even still we externalized it.
• 36:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: Even still, the message wasn't come back in, right, it was still go out and do for yourself.
• 36:56
  Kyleigh Weathers: There was not a lot of like just be the self-love of just being a human being, right, and not doing shit.
• 37:04
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, it really just when you're scared to sit alone, that's another great flag Like, yeah, yo, we've got to figure me out, because you're, of course, just going to keep seeing these limiting beliefs are going to just keep proving themselves true.
• 37:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, if we are walking around truly believing that our feelings are not important, we are going to keep seeing the entire world react to us as if our feelings are not important.
• 37:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: We are going to find being inconsidered all the time.
• 37:32
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, we're going to find not mattering all the time.
• 37:34
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's that's, that's the creation part, right, totally.
• 37:39
  Erin Gray: I'm like we're just creating that and it's in in a world where you can buy it.
• 37:46
  Erin Gray: You can.
• 37:47
  Erin Gray: You know, there's all.
• 37:49
  Erin Gray: The first of all, we're taught there's something wrong with you, right?
• 37:51
  Erin Gray: So then we need something outside of us to fix us, versus, like what we're saying is no, it's just a tender care within, and and that takes.
• 38:03
  Erin Gray: Here we go back to courage.
• 38:04
  Erin Gray: That takes willingness, that takes you know what.
• 38:06
  Erin Gray: Haven't been down this road before and I'm really feeling scared and I'm still willing to show up for myself.
• 38:12
  Erin Gray: Anyways.
• 38:13
  Erin Gray: Don't know what it's going to look like and I'm still willing to do this because, obviously, where I've been isn't where I want to go and I'm willing to do something different which isn't isn't.
• 38:27
  Erin Gray: Uh, like I said, I think we're changing.
• 38:30
  Erin Gray: I think more and more people are doing that, so it's examples for people you know, I mean I remember we were coming, we were leaving Maui and my grandfather, my mom, had texted and she was like I think he's going to pass.
• 38:42
  Erin Gray: I mean I'll just cry right now and I was thinking about like I was just on the plane and I was just crying and my and my daughter was like mom, are you seriously going to cry on the plane?
• 38:52
  Erin Gray: I'm like absolutely, I am Like I'm just going to let it be here Before.
• 38:57
  Erin Gray: Aaron would have been like oh, I can't cry on the plane.
• 38:59
  Erin Gray: Someone's going to ask you.
• 39:00
  Erin Gray: It's like no, like every emotion is welcome, all of it, all the ranges and allowing that to be there, versus there's a certain time and place where you're allowed to feel what you're feeling beautiful when you can know when those moments are too right, like maybe you are.
• 39:21
  Kyleigh Weathers: I remember being on a lot of like disciplinary teams at, at, uh, at work, getting upset about maybe one or two things happened at the table.
• 39:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, like it's not gonna be like professional for me to just like lose it.
• 39:31
  Kyleigh Weathers: However, that's the like letting the friend in and going back to check on him.
• 39:37
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, it's this like, oh, recognizing yes, definitely I've got some emotion here.
• 39:40
  Kyleigh Weathers: All right, we're, we're definitely coming back to this, and then we make the space for it, right, and then we go find the room, or there we go find the thing that we can like do the sit down with the blankie and to do the thing, um, but recognizing that it's okay, Like that's where it starts, that it's just okay.
• 39:58
  Kyleigh Weathers: And that's one thing.
• 39:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: Again, I'm going to bring up baseballs, because we had a game last night, but I had a.
• 40:01
  Kyleigh Weathers: I had a kid get hurt.
• 40:03
  Kyleigh Weathers: Half of the issue was that he was trying to stifle the crying.
• 40:06
  Kyleigh Weathers: And I tell all of them Ooh, just let that out, just let that go, cause that's going to hurt, trying to keep it here, just let it out, you know.
• 40:12
  Kyleigh Weathers: And and you can see the relief of being given permission to just fucking get that feels like.
• 40:19
  Kyleigh Weathers: And then you've got this little kid right who's already probably being taught at home Don't cry, don't feel feelings, don't be a girl, you know all this stuff.
• 40:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, yeah, please feel it.
• 40:31
  Kyleigh Weathers: Please feel it here, like that's for sure.
• 40:33
  Kyleigh Weathers: Something that I've wanted to give those kids is emotional safety.
• 40:37
  Kyleigh Weathers: Like that really is, it is being able to hold space.
• 40:41
  Kyleigh Weathers: To hold space is a is a skill that I think, along with those two the emotion and this holding space for others perspective god, can you imagine the world?
• 40:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: It is that conscious awakening.
• 40:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: It is happening.
• 40:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: I agree with you, it's a beautiful, it's interesting.
• 40:58
  Kyleigh Weathers: Almost online.
• 40:58
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's almost like everybody kind of like starts talking about something around, like they start talking about the same things, like you'll see the holistic psychologist post something and then like young pueblo has just posted it and you're just like weird I just said it yesterday to my client like it's almost like the university is like all right, here's the things to focus on.
• 41:15
  Kyleigh Weathers: Um, it's a beautiful gathering I have found of just people like meeting people like you.
• 41:22
  Kyleigh Weathers: Just it's nice to be able to have conversation.
• 41:25
  Kyleigh Weathers: That is just real.
• 41:28
  Erin Gray: Yeah.
• 41:29
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's just real.
• 41:30
  Erin Gray: You said about holding space.
• 41:31
  Erin Gray: It's like, in order to hold space, you have to have done some of the I don't like calling it work, but you have had to do some of that internal stuff right To be able to hold space Right, like in order for you to to tell that little I'm assuming boy, right, the little boy hey, it's okay, get that out.
• 41:47
  Erin Gray: It's like you've had to be okay with you know what it's okay for someone else to feel sad.
• 41:51
  Erin Gray: It's like we've been a society of like don't feel sad, Don't cry.
• 41:54
  Erin Gray: What do we have to do to fix it?
• 41:55
  Erin Gray: You know, versus like hey, totally fine, crying's okay, yelling's okay.
• 42:00
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know, happiness is okay, like, all of it's welcome and so do you know, when I felt that the first person who taught me that and now it's my son's birthday in two days the person who taught me that was my midwife.
• 42:11
  Kyleigh Weathers: So like 11 years ago, around this time she said to me Ooh, just let that out, Just let that go.
• 42:17
  Kyleigh Weathers: And gave me permission to just cry, man.
• 42:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: And it was so helpful and that has been something, one of the first things I taught my little tiny baby Just let that out, man, we're going to be all right.
• 42:29
  Erin Gray: So I love that, so is there anything else that you want to add?
• 42:38
  Kyleigh Weathers: that I maybe have forgotten or haven't even thought about to ask.
• 42:39
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, we talked early about the coming out and I got found out.
• 42:45
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, it was less about coming out and I got found out.
• 42:48
  Kyleigh Weathers: But one thing that I have been hearing is that there really isn't this closet to be coming out of anymore, that it's just feeling safer for people to just kind of be right, that maybe society has definitely shifted in a way that you know.
• 43:03
  Kyleigh Weathers: We're not just quite as heteronormative as we were.
• 43:05
  Kyleigh Weathers: We're still making making moves here.
• 43:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: But one thing that I have thought was so beautiful about that is that you're now having parents who have kids maybe they have found out or maybe they did come out but you've got parents who are actually just saying, wow, thanks for sharing that with me, like I can't wait to be here with you, as, as we figure and discover more about you, right, you get a lot of parents who are like oh, they're too young and I can't know, and who cares, man, just thanks for sharing that with me.
• 43:36
  Kyleigh Weathers: Wow, I feel so honored that you opened up like that with me, like I can't wait to discover more about you, like it's just such a inclusive and like you're okay and there's nothing to be afraid of.
• 43:47
  Kyleigh Weathers: And like I'm here, right, my parents wanted to say those things, I'm sure, but their way of showing it right was let's keep you in this very safe religion that we're going to be all together forever, right, same thing.
• 44:00
  Kyleigh Weathers: Safe religion that we're going to be all together forever, right, same thing.
• 44:04
  Kyleigh Weathers: But one is just a lot more open to the kid's perspective and just being able to recognize.
• 44:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know, if you are hoping to have this fantastic adult-child relationship with these adult children that you have, eventually, if they don't feel safe to talk with you in these young years, right, that's not just going to show up because they're 18 now and they're adults, right, that's not going to just show up.
• 44:26
  Kyleigh Weathers: You've got to show them that they matter, that their perspective matters and that you absolutely realize that they are also human beings.
• 44:34
  Kyleigh Weathers: We just kind of pin these kids into these, like here's how we're going to do life, right, but they are having their own experience all the time, and so just being open to allowing your child to experience their fucking life is so healing.
• 44:52
  Erin Gray: Yeah, I'm like love is what just comes to mind.
• 44:54
  Erin Gray: It's just like.
• 44:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: that's just pure love, right, like I love you Tell me all the things, yes, and like I love that you want to tell me all the things, you know.
• 44:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: I honestly, looking back, I wish I could have like said to my parents, like just whispered in their ear, like one of the best questions I think they could have asked me is like first, we're so sorry that you felt like you had to hide this.
• 45:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know what.
• 45:11
  Kyleigh Weathers: Can you tell us what that was like?
• 45:12
  Kyleigh Weathers: What was it like to hide this from us?
• 45:14
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, right, there was a lot of trauma during that.
• 45:17
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, and those are the types of conversations where we can start healing those wounds.
• 45:22
  Kyleigh Weathers: They don't have to be so dug in.
• 45:24
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, and so when you, when you learn how to show up in conflict ready to connect you really, you really will connect, because that's your intention and we meet our intentions all the time.
• 45:36
  Kyleigh Weathers: We just got to figure out what is it, what is it that our patterns are running us through.
• 45:41
  Kyleigh Weathers: I think we all kind of already have our own personal life coach.
• 45:43
  Kyleigh Weathers: I think our subconscious is doing the best it can to life coach us, and I think it's sometimes you just need a little bit of extra coaching, right?
• 45:52
  Kyleigh Weathers: When I first started coaching baseball.
• 45:54
  Kyleigh Weathers: I didn't know shit about baseball, I didn't grow up playing baseball, I didn't even play softball.
• 45:56
  Kyleigh Weathers: I was just a very athletic person and I softball.
• 45:58
  Kyleigh Weathers: I was just a very athletic person, um, and I love to compete, and I went and hired a coach to teach me how to coach.
• 46:03
  Kyleigh Weathers: I just paid for two private lessons and you know, it makes sense to me, it makes sense to to go find help.
• 46:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: If you're like yo, what I'm doing it's not working for sure.
• 46:11
  Erin Gray: I think also, too, when you say that about you know, as a parent, it's like it all starts with us, right.
• 46:17
  Erin Gray: Like going back to what you're talking about holding the space, like if you don't love yourself, it's hard to tell your child I love you, I support you, right, Because at the base of it is really like you know emotional unavailability.
• 46:32
  Erin Gray: Exactly Right.
• 46:32
  Erin Gray: And so we think the answers are if we do all of these other things for other people and it's like, yes, after we do it for ourselves, right, like we can only show up, like I realized, I mean, I've changed my relationship with my mom so much now and I would consider like she's probably one of my best friends that had not always been the case, right, and I used to think that there was something wrong with me because she didn't tell me she loved me a lot, right, but what I had to realize is she could only say that or only be that to the level that she could be that for herself.
• 47:08
  Erin Gray: And so it's the same thing with, you know, loving, and you know unconditionally.
• 47:10
  Erin Gray: It's like we can only love our children unconditionally to the level we unconditionally love ourselves, or, you know, to the level that we support ourselves.
• 47:15
  Erin Gray: And so it always comes.
• 47:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: Imagine if someone had said that to you as you became a mother.
• 47:23
  Kyleigh Weathers: How different would those early years of parenting have been?
• 47:25
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, we would have shown.
• 47:27
  Kyleigh Weathers: We would have shown up so differently for our kids if we'd understood that.
• 47:30
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah.
• 47:30
  Kyleigh Weathers: So I mean kudos to everyone out there who's figuring out when their kiddos are young.
• 47:36
  Kyleigh Weathers: Right, because this, you see it, I see it in my 10 year old.
• 47:39
  Kyleigh Weathers: He's a little hypervigilant.
• 47:40
  Kyleigh Weathers: I know it's because of me.
• 47:41
  Kyleigh Weathers: I know he gets a little that's me, and half of it's just my eyeballs looking at him.
• 47:47
  Kyleigh Weathers: You send messaging all the time to these kids and I want to create a culture here in my home where he can say to me hey, mom, sometimes the way you look at me scares me.
• 47:59
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah Right, yep.
• 48:00
  Kyleigh Weathers: Well, she has said that to me, and that is because I'm willing to sit down and say I'm sorry, yep, right, it's because I'm able to show him Absolutely.
• 48:08
  Kyleigh Weathers: You can talk to me about any of your feelings, even the ones that have to do with me.
• 48:11
  Kyleigh Weathers: I can handle what it feels like to disappoint you.
• 48:15
  Kyleigh Weathers: I can handle what it feels like for you to share an opinion different than mine.
• 48:19
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's, that's.
• 48:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's the job, um.
• 48:22
  Kyleigh Weathers: And if you can't do that for your kids, like come on.
• 48:25
  Kyleigh Weathers: I mean that's that, yes, it's going to require inner work, but man can't even our kids motivate us to do it, like come on, yeah.
• 48:34
  Erin Gray: Yeah.
• 48:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's.
• 48:35
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's probably my last on that.
• 48:36
  Kyleigh Weathers: I get real hot about parenting.
• 48:45
  Erin Gray: That's a really good because I think, would you, would you agree that?
• 48:46
  Erin Gray: I mean, maybe for some parents it's like they don't even know where to start or what to say or what to do, and so simply just saying I love you, teach me what do, what do we do?
• 48:54
  Erin Gray: Help me learn together.
• 48:55
  Erin Gray: Like we don't, I think.
• 48:56
  Erin Gray: As parents, we've been taught.
• 48:57
  Erin Gray: You know we have to have it all figured out.
• 48:59
  Erin Gray: We have to be the ones like no, our, our children are our teachers.
• 49:02
  Erin Gray: They are the ones guiding us, you know.
• 49:03
  Erin Gray: And so if you don't know, it's okay to say hey, I don't know.
• 49:07
  Erin Gray: Just tell me that I'm happy that you shared with me.
• 49:09
  Erin Gray: Like tell me next steps, what, what does it look like for you?
• 49:12
  Erin Gray: What do you want?
• 49:12
  Kyleigh Weathers: if we're talking about kids coming out, to us right Is to just be very open with the fact that, like hey, it sounds like this is something that you've been feeling and like knowing for a while.
• 49:28
  Kyleigh Weathers: You've just shared it with me.
• 49:30
  Kyleigh Weathers: I probably am going to have some mixed feelings about this.
• 49:34
  Kyleigh Weathers: I just want you to know, like that part of my process.
• 49:36
  Kyleigh Weathers: It has nothing to do with you, Yep, like I love you.
• 49:39
  Kyleigh Weathers: Thank you for sharing that with me, right?
• 49:46
  Kyleigh Weathers: But we ask that also the one who doesn't know, right, they're going to have to go through their own thing.
• 49:48
  Kyleigh Weathers: There may be grief for them.
• 49:48
  Kyleigh Weathers: You know there's lots of ways of coming out, and so there could be grief involved.
• 49:50
  Kyleigh Weathers: But again, if, if this is a relationship where someone is coming, you, coming to you and saying this they, they believe that you are safe, they believe that you are safe saying this they.
• 50:02
  Erin Gray: They believe that you are safe they believe that you are safe.
• 50:05
  Erin Gray: So please show up safe.
• 50:05
  Kyleigh Weathers: That's so good, thank, you, kylie, I appreciate it, no problem.
• 50:07
  Kyleigh Weathers: Where can?
• 50:07
  Erin Gray: people find you more, learn more about you.
• 50:09
  Kyleigh Weathers: All the things all the things gosh the lawnmower, um at queerly attached, on all the things really facebook, instagram, tiktok at queerly attached.
• 50:18
  Kyleigh Weathers: We didn't even talk about my quiz.
• 50:20
  Kyleigh Weathers: I've got a free attachment quiz on curlyattachednet.
• 50:23
  Kyleigh Weathers: It's just a fun kind of, just to kind of give you an idea of the attachment styles If you want to learn more about those, because you know we didn't get into a lot of detail on those.
• 50:33
  Kyleigh Weathers: So the website has great detail on the different attachment styles.
• 50:37
  Kyleigh Weathers: And yeah, give me a like on TikTok, that'll help.
• 50:40
  Kyleigh Weathers: I'm trying to get to a thousand so I can go live.
• 50:42
  Kyleigh Weathers: I want to just start, you know, spitting my shit on tiktok so do you have to be in a certain amount.
• 50:48
  Erin Gray: You say have to be, you have to have a thousand to go live.
• 50:51
  Kyleigh Weathers: I'm at like I don't remember to say what I'm at, but I'm about to post a little video about my ex-mormon mission and how, or my mormon mission and how I was sent home.
• 51:00
  Kyleigh Weathers: So I'm about to post a little video about that.
• 51:02
  Kyleigh Weathers: So go follow if you want to hear the story.
• 51:05
  Erin Gray: I'll put all of Kylie's information in the show notes along with that quiz so that if you want to take it, you're welcome, okay.
• 51:11
  Erin Gray: Okay, I appreciate it.
• 51:12
  Kyleigh Weathers: Yeah, this is super fun.
• 51:14
  Erin Gray: Yeah.