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The Making of a Leader: Access doesn't equal Influence · Sandra Elizabeth - The Leadership Collective

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Leadership Collective.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sandra Elizabeth.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, very often people ask me why do you call yourself that?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my parents named me that, and I love my name.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, on to today's podcast.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: The podcast is entitled, Access Doesn't Equal Influence.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: This topic is increasingly important as you grow into leadership.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just because somebody has access to your life does not mean that they should have influence over your decisions.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Just because somebody knows you personally does not mean that they understand your purpose.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Just because somebody has known you for 20 years or 30 years does not mean that they are qualified to advise you about the next 20 years of your life.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And just because somebody says that they care about you does not mean that they are always right.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: There is a huge difference between relationship and influence.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And mature leaders learn that difference.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the things that we have to understand about relationships is that people occupy different places in our lives.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: There are acquaintances, there are colleagues, friends, mentors, then there's your family.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Family you never choose, they are part of your life advisors, there are people we lead, there are people who lead us.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then they are the very few people who become part of your inner circle.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: However, here's where the problem begins.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: It begins when we give everybody the same level of access into our lives.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can be kind without giving someone access to everything.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can be friendly without sharing everything.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can work with somebody without telling them your personal business.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can love somebody without asking them to help you make your decisions.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you can respect somebody while deciding that their opinion doesn't carry significant weight in my life.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's not arrogance, that's discernment.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know why?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because access and influence are two different privileges.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to grow as a leader, here's a question that I think every leader should ask pretty often.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who has my ear?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably asking, what does that mean?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, whose opinion can change your mind?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you call when you are uncertain?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Who can talk you out of something?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Who can talk you into something?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Who influences the way you see another person?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's important because sometimes someone hasn't changed.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Someone simply changed the way you see them.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: They told you something, they planted a suspicion, they repeated a story, they gave you their interpretation, and suddenly you're looking at someone differently.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's influence.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why gossip isn't harmless.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Gossip can actually become a form of influence.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody is giving you information about another person and potentially shaping your perception of them without that person even being in the room to respond.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: As a leader, you have to be very careful with this.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Before you change your opinion of somebody because of what you've heard, ask what have I personally experienced?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: How often people would come to you with a story that they heard, and then they will tell you, oh, you can go tell the other person what I heard, but don't tell them who told me.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's your first red flag.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is that person trustworthy?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not every opinion, every gossip, or every story deserves equal weight.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a world or we live in an age where everybody has a story, everyone has an opinion.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Social media has made it possible for millions of people to tell us what they think about almost everything.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And there's nothing wrong with having an opinion, but here's where leadership discernment comes in.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not every opinion deserves equal weight.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same as gossip, it does not deserve equal weight.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine that you're starting a business, one person tells you, don't do it, it will never work.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Before allowing those words to influence you, you need to ask, have they ever built a business?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Have they been in the same industry?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Have they studied what I'm trying to do?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or are they speaking from experience?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Are they speaking from fear?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: See, that's an important distinction.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people give you advice based on their limitations, based on what they think, but not your possibilities.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: They couldn't do it, therefore they assume that you cannot.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: They were hurt, so they tell you not to trust anybody.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Their business failed, so they tell you businesses don't work.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: They suddenly become the expert on everybody else's life.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So listen carefully, but filter carefully.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: The word here is filter, filter very carefully.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's the issue of qualifications.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Qualifications don't automatically create wisdom.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this brings me back to something that I've spoken about before.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we get overly impressed by people's titles.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Professors, doctors, lawyers, CEOs.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: See, those titles can only tell us something about a person's education, their profession, or their position.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't automatically tell us about the person's character, the person's wisdom, or even the person's emotional maturity.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: A lawyer can be a criminal lawyer but can still be a gossiper.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: A doctor can make poor personal decisions.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: A CEO can still lack emotional intelligence.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so a professor as well can be highly knowledgeable in one subject but completely inexperienced in another.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: So a title tells me what somebody is qualified to do.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't automatically qualify them to speak into every area of my life.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why leaders and leaders who are developing must learn to separate expertise from wisdom.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You see, I might value someone's legal advice enormously, but that doesn't mean I need their advice about my job.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: So respect expertise, but understand that it has boundaries.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now let me get to the next issue.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your inner circle should never be an echo chamber.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Leadership becomes dangerous when everybody around the leader continually agrees with the leader.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: The leader speaks, everyone nods.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: The leader has an idea, everyone says, Wow, it's brilliant.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: The leader makes a questionable decision, nobody challenges it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: That isn't necessary loyalty.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Most times it's fear, most times it's politics.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people simply want to remain close to power.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: A strong leader does not only ask who supports me, a strong leader also asks who can correct me.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So you need people who can say, I think you're getting something wrong.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you need enough emotional maturity to hear them.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because if people are afraid to tell you the truth, eventually you will only hear what you want to hear.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Look at your own situation as a developing leader.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do you say yes for everything?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do you agree with everything?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: A while back I wrote a book called The Penguin Club.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I dedicated it to these people.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: To every person who has ever remained silent when they wanted to speak.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: To those who were told to stay quiet, stay in line and not rock the boat.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: To those who sacrificed their voice for acceptance, for comfort or belonging.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: To the little girl or boy who spent years believing that keeping the peace was more important than finding their voice.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: So work towards being a leader, a growing leader who can accept correction.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about access to your personal life.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Let's make this personal.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: See, there are people who have access to you because of proximity.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: They work with you, they are your family, they are your neighbors, they are your longtime friends.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: But proximity doesn't automatically create wisdom.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we continue giving somebody enormous influence simply because we've been friends for 30 years.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, history is valuable, but history doesn't automatically create alignment.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can appreciate what somebody meant to you in the past without giving them authority over your future.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean that you have to dramatically remove them from your life.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people simply need to occupy a different seat.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's maturity.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not everybody needs to be cut off, but sometimes they simply need to be moved out of the decision-making room.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Be careful with people that have close proximity with you.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes they are the ones who always bring you information.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, something leaders or growing leaders should watch out for.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: The person who's always bringing you information about somebody else, did you hear what she said?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what he's doing?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you what happened.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Be careful because eventually you need to ask, what does this person say about me when I'm not there?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody continually violates everybody else's confidence in order to entertain you, don't assume your confidence is somehow sacred.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's just another danger because after enough of these conversations, you may begin thinking their opinions are your opinions.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: They dislike somebody, so you dislike that person.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: They're offended, so eventually you are offended with those people.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: They have a problem with somebody, and suddenly you have one too.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's influence, and you gave it to them.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Access must be earned.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Influence, even more so.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Access should have levels.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Some people can know what you're doing.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Fewer people need to know what you're planning.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Even fewer people need to know what you're struggling with.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps only a handful should have significant influence over major decisions.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you're secretive, but because you're being responsible, you're being a responsible leader, you're becoming a responsible growing leader.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: You see, the closer somebody gets to your decision-making process, the more important their character becomes.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself continually: are they trustworthy?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Can they keep something confidential?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do they have wisdom?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Are they emotionally stable and can they disagree respectfully?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do they celebrate my success?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Will they tell me when I'm wrong?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do they have anything to gain from the advice that they're giving me?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: That final question matters so much.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes advice isn't neutral.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so today I want to leave you with an exercise.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to do something this week.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Take a piece of paper and write down who has my ear.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Then write down five names, the five people whose opinions influence you the most.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, next to every name, answer.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why does this person's opinion matter to me?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask, what area are they actually qualified to advise me in?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Do they challenge me or do they simply agree with everything I say?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Can they keep my confidence?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do they bring facts or gossip?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do they encourage growth or do they feed fear?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Can they celebrate me without competing with me?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do their own choices make me respect their advice?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then finally, has this person earned influence or have I simply given it to them because they have access to me?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Then turn the mirror around.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: You see, leadership always requires self-examination.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Just like other people, you have access to their lives.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to ask yourself, what do I do with my access to their lives?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: When somebody tells me something confidential, can I keep it confidential?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: When somebody succeeds, do I celebrate with them?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: When somebody asks for my opinion, do I speak from a place of wisdom or simply because I like having an opinion?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do I gossip?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do I create suspicion?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do I encourage people?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Can I correct somebody without humiliating them?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, perhaps the most important one: when someone gives me access to their life, do they become better because of my influence?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because access is a privilege, so don't misuse it.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: As I come to the end of this podcast, I want to say it again.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Access doesn't equal influence.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Someone can sit at your table without having permission to direct your future.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Someone can be your friend without being your advisor.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Someone can be family without being qualified to make your decisions.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Someone can be highly educated without possessing wisdom in every area.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: And somebody can disagree with you and still be one of the safest people in your circle.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: So choose wisely, choose carefully.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just ask who has access to me, ask who has influence over me and why.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: You see, you have to protect your ear, you have to protect your thinking, protect your decision making.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Surround yourself with people who have enough character to celebrate you, to encourage you, to correct you, and to give you enough wisdom to know the difference.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the greatest danger isn't who has access to your life, it's who you've allowed to influence it.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, keep growing, keep thinking, and choose carefully who gets your ear.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Access may bring someone close to you, but influence should always be earned.