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Lessons - The FBI Negotiation Tactics That Transform Business Deals | Chris Voss - Former FBI Hostage Negotiator · Success Story with Scott Clary

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  In this lessons episode, learn how tactical empathy improves negotiations by focusing on understanding
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  not agreement. Learn why articulating someone else's perspective builds trust without compromising
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  your own position. Learn how silence, curiosity, and honest acknowledgement of fears create space
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  for deeper connection and more truthful communication.
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  Talk a lot and speak a lot about empathy in business. Define how you, oh, this is going
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  to, I'm saying it the wrong way. I was going to say define how you leverage empathy for
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  business, but that's already insinuating that you're using it to a, a means to an end.
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  What is the, what is the proper way to use empathy in business so that you get what you want,
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  but you also don't get taken advantage of? Yeah, okay. So let's define empathy first.
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  Let's define it as simply assessment and your articulation of your assessment.
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  Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy is not agreement. Empathy is not compassion.
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  Fendermind Stephen Collar struts red a number of books that are worth reading.
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  The rise of Superman and Staling Fire too great of my favorites that Stephen wrote.
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  And in one of his books, he said empathy is about the transmission of information.
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  Compassion is the reaction to that transmission. So empathy truly understand where the other
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  sides coming from. Even if you don't like it and then being able to articulate it from their
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  perspective. What does that look like? You think I'm being unfair. You think I'm greedy.
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  You think that I don't care about you at all. Those are empathy statements.
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  I never agreed nor disagreed. I just pointed out what my gut instinct is telling me that you're
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  thinking. And we teach tactical empathy as the articulation, the expression of what your gut is
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  telling you about their perspective. If you take away agreement or disagreement,
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  then you can be empathic with anyone. A member of Phamas can be empathetic with
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  someone from Israel and vice versa because it's not agreement or disagreement.
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  So if somebody from Hamas can do it with somebody from Israel, that means you could do it too.
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  If you define it that way. Now in business, it's the way of analyzing.
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  So let me analyze what you're probably thinking. Let me feed it back to you.
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  You're going to feel very connected to me. It's actually going to open up the channels.
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  One of the phrases which is the cliche about negotiation is the biggest myth about communication.
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  Is the biggest myth about communication is that it's taken place.
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  Now people hear that and they say, oh, I just have to express myself better.
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  Now, the opposite is true. Listening hasn't been taken place. Hearing took place. I heard what
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  you said, but did I analyze it that I think about what it meant? You know, the whole grade school
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  thing, probably in seventh grade, somebody you had a teacher that said, what's the difference
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  between listening and hearing? I can still remember that. But the difference is, did you analyze
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  what they said and discern its true meaning, which means you're not agreeing with it?
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  Which now puts it in the business context and then certain predictable things based on fears.
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  You're going to feel at some point in time I'm asking for too much. You're going to feel at some
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  point in time I'm being disrespectful. You're going to feel at some point in time I got to
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  hit an agenda because I won't get to the point. Be saying that begins to clear the air
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  and it puts me in a position to move forward with you. Two thoughts on that. First thought,
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  should you actually articulate that to the person that you're speaking to? And then second thought,
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  how do you make sure that your own lens that you see the world through does not impact
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  how you infer what they think because it's good to be empathetic, but you're going to have your own
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  world view that's going to impact. So yes, so should you articulate that and why? And then how do
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  you stop your own lens from fogging it all up? Yeah, our first of all, you should. Like in any time
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  we gots telling you, you should. And there's aspects to it that when we're coaching in negotiations,
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  we're going to ask you to lead with like in a first meeting, you're going to say to him, look
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  at some point in time, you're probably going to ask yourself whether or not you're wasting your time
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  with me because there's probably 60 seconds into the meeting there. What this does is deactivates
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  and inoculates. Most people think of plants fears. You can't plant a fear. You can just you can
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  plant it if you deny it. If I could say to you like, look, I don't want you to think I'm being
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  greedy. You're going to be like, Oh, I got to cover my wallet. Here it comes. And I can say,
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  look, it's probably going to seem greedy. And then when I lay out what I want, your reaction to
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  that is going to be like, Oh, well, actually, that was just honest. I appreciate you being honest
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  with me. So those are examples of why you should go ahead and call it out in the moment or even in
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  advance. Now, does my lens interfere with me seeing it? Yes, that's why you want to lay out what you
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  think the other side saying because for not just your lens, you know, your angles on it leading up
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  to this moment. So I frequently say and coach people say, look, before we go on, here's how I think
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  you see things. Now, I'm going to lay it out in wherever my vision has been clouded.
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  If I approach you with genuine curiosity, not judgment, I can't say, here's how I think you see
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  things. You know, my tone of voice is telling you negative things about my thought patterns towards
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  you. But if instead I say, all right, so before we go on, here's how I think you see things.
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  You know, that's exploratory collaborative. Whatever I'm missing, whatever I'm wrong on,
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  you're going to want to correct me because the urge to correct is actually very satisfying,
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  and you're going to feel good about it. So that's how you keep your filter from getting in the
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  way. Check it with the other side and invite correction. One last question, when people deploy
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  this tactic, and then I want to move on to something, a couple other ideas, but when people deploy
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  this tactic, what would one thing be that they get wrong the majority of the time? What is one
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  common misconception about deploying tactical empathy? First of all, that your perspective
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  is their perspective. Even if your perspective is accurate, they're going to have a different
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  perspective. So, you know, and so common misconception is that you guys are on the same sheet of music,
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  or you see things the same way. Among other common misconceptions, they got to go first,
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  and you got to lay out your position first. That's the mark of an average negotiator.
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  So, I need the information in your head, which is why I'm going to invite you to go first.
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  And in two out of three negotiators, it's impossible for them to shut up.
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  Shut up more. You're going to find that in those golden moments of silence,
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  there is going to bond with you, or they're going to give you information. Both those things
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  are good. You know, it's so funny. That's one thing that I remember one way, way, way back in
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  a past life when I was in sales. And I can't remember who told me this, but the sentence was,
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  whoever talks less wins. That was it. And so far, I mean, this is what I do for a living. I try
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  and talk as little as possible and just let the guest. Now, it's not a negotiation. It's hopefully,
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  hopefully, it's beneficial to both of us. But yes, when you shut up, good things happen.
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  When you shut up, good things happen. Amen. Let's talk about people being deceitful,
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  counterfeit, yeses. I thought it was so interesting because when I was first putting, you know,
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  some of these talking points together, of course, I like to call them lies. I'm pretty sure that's
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  what the rest of the world calls them. You don't like to call them lies. So this plays a big piece
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  of negotiation. Obviously, you have to figure out what's the truth and what's not. First of all,
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  why do you not like calling lies lies? Because of the emotional reaction to it, you know, lies,
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  slice, deception, the vast majority of it is dissett defensive in nature. People are deceiving,
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  people lying because they're scared because they're afraid to tell you the truth. Now,
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  that doesn't mean they're trying to victimize you. They're scared of the relationship.
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  They're scared as you're going to say, no, they don't know how to tell you the truth.
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  So the deception takes place on a massive level. But it's not predatory. It's some of it is
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  predatory, a small percentage. What's the percentage? Let me put it like this. There's guests that
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  the incidence of someone being a social path or a psychopath, as trying to read the current
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  differences in the definitions as social paths or somebody that intentionally pray upon you in the
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  moment, a psychopath is somebody who plans on praying on you in a future moment. So it's a
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  planning issue. One in 35. So that means 34 out of 35, if that number holds. When they deceive
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  you, they're not trying to victimize you. 34 out of 35 lies, let's say, is this defensive?
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  They don't know how to tell you the truth there. They don't know how to fix it if they do. It's
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  all fear-based. Not necessarily the same as being a coward. Those are two different instances.
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  But fear-based because they're trying to preserve the relationship with it and how to get around it.
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  So why am I going on this rant? Yes, it exists all the time. Stop yourself from being
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  triggered on it. You're going to assume that they're lying to you because they're trying to victimize
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  you. That's not the case. 34 out of 35 times. So you encourage people to become straight
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  shooters and how do you do that? You deactivate their fears. How do you do that? You're saying it's
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  probably stuff you're holding back. You're scared if you tell me it's going to blow off the deal.
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  I know you've got things that you're afraid to tell me because you think if I know them,
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  I'll exploit you. Me even sharing that recognition is going to get you to start to loosen up. Now,
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  my walk has to match my talk. And I'm very careful about that. But I'm also very concerned about
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  if I say something that doesn't add up to you, you're going to instinctively react that I'm trying
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  to hurt you. So I got to be careful about making sure those two things add up. I got to be careful
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  about being vague. I can, in fact, under promise instead of over promise. And then I got to talk to
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  with you about how we're going to fix things when we come to the inevitable glitches that life
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  brings in no matter what happens. Thanks for tuning in. If you found this valuable, don't forget to
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  hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And if you want to dive deeper into
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  this conversation, check out the links in the description to watch the full episode. See you in the
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  next one.