Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1027 - 6 Phrases You Should Say to Your Kids

Transcript

#1027 - 6 Phrases You Should Say to Your Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
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Speaker 2: Now, I think the most magical part of an apology
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Speaker 2: with a child is just their absolute one hundred percent forgiveness.
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Speaker 2: They have a capacity to forgive like no one else.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and now here's the stars of our show, My
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Speaker 1: Mom and Dad.
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Speaker 3: Today's podcast, we're going to share five phrases that will
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Speaker 3: help to transform your relationship with your child. Five phrases
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Speaker 3: that will help to transform your relationship with your child.
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Speaker 3: In fact, I just thought of a sixth one, so
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Speaker 3: I'm going to make it six That's the podcast as
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Speaker 3: of today, KYLEI, because I've just come up with a
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Speaker 3: sixth one. Things that we can say to our kids
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Speaker 3: when things aren't quite right, when things are looking a
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Speaker 3: little bit rough, a little bit rugged, a little bit down,
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Speaker 3: a bit like they are today for Colely, for me.
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Speaker 3: So let's savee into it. Should we just do it
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Speaker 3: the things that we see in the Kilson household all
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Speaker 3: the time. You just wrote it down and showed it
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Speaker 3: to me, the one that I just thought of, So
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Speaker 3: why don't we start right there and you can have
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Speaker 3: the glory? Can you can have the honor that comes
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Speaker 3: with coming up with this one.
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Speaker 2: Is that right?
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Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah?
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Speaker 2: Apologizing I am sorry?
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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah. Well why would you say that transforms the
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Speaker 3: relationship with your kids.
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Speaker 2: Because it helps our children to recognize that we get
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Speaker 2: it wrong. When they're young, they think that we have
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Speaker 2: the answers to everything. Yeah, they soon work it out
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Speaker 2: that we don't. But in our efforts to help them
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Speaker 2: be better people, they constantly feel like they're the only
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Speaker 2: ones doing it wrong.
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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, and feeling competent all the time. Yeah, And
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Speaker 3: we make them feel worse about it.
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Speaker 2: And so I think it's so powerful as the adult
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Speaker 2: in the relationship to admit when you do things wrong.
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Speaker 3: So I've written an article that we will link to
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Speaker 3: in the show notes about how to give a good apology.
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Speaker 3: There are four steps to a good apology, and I
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Speaker 3: think it's really important. I want to pick up on
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Speaker 3: something else that you just said, though, Kylie. And when
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Speaker 3: our older kids were growing up, the couple of kids
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Speaker 3: we had when they were little, I used to have
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Speaker 3: this phrase that I said to the kids all the time.
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Speaker 3: They would look at me in wonder and say, how
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Speaker 3: do you know? Because I seemed to know everything to them.
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Speaker 3: And I used to actually say that well, because I
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Speaker 3: know everything, and I thought it was really fun and
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Speaker 3: really cute, and I just delighted in saying I know everything.
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Speaker 3: But after i'd been doing that for a number of years,
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Speaker 3: I discovered, or I realized, recognized, thought about it, and figured,
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Speaker 3: it's not a great lesson to teach the kids. Number One,
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Speaker 3: They're going to figure out one day that I don't
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Speaker 3: know everything, and that's going to be a horrible day
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Speaker 3: for us all. But more to the point, what am
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Speaker 3: I teaching them about themselves other than that they are
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Speaker 3: inferior compared to the one who knows all. I just
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Speaker 3: felt like it was setting them up for failure as
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Speaker 3: much it was setting me up for failure, and so
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Speaker 3: I stopped saying I know everything. I don't want the
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Speaker 3: kids to think that I know everything. I want them
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Speaker 3: to see the joy that comes from figuring things out well.
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Speaker 2: Once they work out that you don't know everything. Their
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Speaker 2: teachers though.
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Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, yeah, yes, right, yeah. Oh. I hate it
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Speaker 3: when the teachers apparently no more than me, especially about
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Speaker 3: things that I'm well qualified in. Anyway, I'm sorry is
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Speaker 3: a phrase that we'll transform your relationship, and it just
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Speaker 3: feels good. Let's be honest. I mean, I know no
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Speaker 3: parent really wants to have to apologize to their kids,
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Speaker 3: but it feels really good when you stay with your
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Speaker 3: kiddo and you say I'm sorry, I got it wrong,
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Speaker 3: I didn't know why this like that. It draws them
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Speaker 3: closer to you, It draws you closer together.
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Speaker 2: I think the most magical part of an apology with
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Speaker 2: a child is just their absolute one hundred percent forgiveness.
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Speaker 2: They have a capacity to forgive like no one else. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: and it is so beautiful to see it given.
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Speaker 3: I'm going to say humbling, because we make so hanghasses,
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Speaker 3: we make such a mess of it.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's that's a really good word. It's really humbling
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Speaker 2: when you know you've just stuffed it up so badly
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Speaker 2: and you see the look in their eyes and you
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Speaker 2: feel their love and know that it's going to be okay.
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Speaker 3: So here's the second phrase that I think can help
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Speaker 3: you to transform your relationship with your child. We spend
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Speaker 3: so much time telling them what to do and what
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Speaker 3: I have found and practiced, and you've seen this happen,
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Speaker 3: especially during the mornings in our home. Is there's a
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Speaker 3: question that I ask the kids. It's a phrase that
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Speaker 3: I use all the time as they're getting ready in
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Speaker 3: the morning to change the way this happens. And I'm
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Speaker 3: going to potentially embarrass myself here and put us both
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Speaker 3: on the spot. What phrase do you think that I'm
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Speaker 3: referring to?
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Speaker 2: It would be how can I help?
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Speaker 3: Oh, thank goodness for that I've actually said it and
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Speaker 3: been heard. I was worried that you're going to look
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Speaker 3: at me blankly and say, I don't know, you know,
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Speaker 3: talk in the mornings, Yeah, how can I help? Instead
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Speaker 3: of correction and direction, the question how can I help?
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Speaker 3: Shows the kids that hey, I'm on your side and
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Speaker 3: I'm here to connect with you and guide you and
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Speaker 3: work with you rather than just tell you what to
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Speaker 3: do all the time. And I believe that it transforms
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Speaker 3: the relationship.
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Speaker 2: You do it with me all the time as well.
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Speaker 2: And it's just it's so wonderful to recognize that you
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Speaker 2: can see that that what's how right now is difficult,
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Speaker 2: but you're not presuming to understand or know what it
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Speaker 2: is that I need.
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Speaker 3: And that's the critical thing here. As parents, we often
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Speaker 3: think we do know what's going on. We feel like
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Speaker 3: we understand and we know what needs to be done
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Speaker 3: to fix it, but it does our children know good
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Speaker 3: for us to make it all better. The benefit, the growth,
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Speaker 3: the development for our children comes as they figure out
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Speaker 3: the answers with our gentle support. As we say how
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Speaker 3: can I help? Or where to from here? Or what's next?
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Speaker 3: Or what do you need? That shifts Do you know
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Speaker 3: what it actually does? When I do it to you,
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Speaker 3: when I do it to the kids, It doesn't matter
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Speaker 3: what it does is it shifts the focus the sense
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Speaker 3: of self efficacy. It's about you doing and not me doing.
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Speaker 3: It's empowering thing to say.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: The thought that came to my mind is it allows
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Speaker 2: me to have a voice.
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Speaker 3: Right.
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Speaker 2: You're not presuming that what I actually need in this
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Speaker 2: moment is blah blah blah. You're actually recognizing that you don't.
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Speaker 2: Actually you don't see it all. You don't know it all.
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Speaker 2: And while you think that you know, making my lunch
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Speaker 2: is what I need? What I actually need you to
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Speaker 2: help me find my socks?
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Speaker 3: Right? Yeah, how can I help? I love it? The
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Speaker 3: third one, just before we take a quick break. This
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Speaker 3: one's a really short one. It's one that I picked
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Speaker 3: up from my mum when I was a kid. Mom
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Speaker 3: used to say this to me all the time. I
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Speaker 3: would say that it transformed our relationship in a kind
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Speaker 3: of a negative way initially, but as I've gotten older,
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Speaker 3: I've seen the wisdom in it and it transformed me
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Speaker 3: as well. Do you know what my mum used to
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Speaker 3: always say that drove me crazy, that we now say
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Speaker 3: to our children constantly. Hmmm, there's a few, right, This
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Speaker 3: one's in particular, especially when the kids are winging and
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Speaker 3: winning and I can't do it.
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Speaker 2: Oh, can't means don't want to?
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Speaker 3: Yeah, it can't means don't want to. Hate it when
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Speaker 3: Mum said that to me. The kids hate it when
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Speaker 3: we say it to them, but there's nothing true it.
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Speaker 3: Then can't means don't want to because the reality is
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Speaker 3: when the kids are winging and winding, now, I can't
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Speaker 3: do it, card it's too hard. When we give them
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Speaker 3: a little bit of gentle, compassionate but clear tough love, Hey, kiddo,
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Speaker 3: can't means don't want to? You can? And then we
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Speaker 3: step into that other situation. So how can I help?
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Speaker 3: What do you need? Let's work on this to get
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Speaker 3: Can't means don't want to is again, it's it's not
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Speaker 3: a shutdown. It's actually empowering if you say it the
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Speaker 3: right way, and it doesn't just transform your relationship and
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Speaker 3: empower your kids, but it transforms your kids. So they're
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Speaker 3: the first three of our six phrases that will help
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Speaker 3: you transform your relationship with your child. I'm sorry, how
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Speaker 3: can I help? And can't means don't want to? After
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Speaker 3: the break my favorite three. You've asked politely, you've asked again,
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Speaker 3: you've patiently waited, You've even made a threat, but finally
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Speaker 3: you lose it. Listen to me, you shout. In the
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Speaker 3: practical webinar the Screaming Spiral, you'll learn the top reasons
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Speaker 3: why your child isn't listening, and you'll get pro tips
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Speaker 3: and strategies to get them to hear without yelling. Available
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Speaker 3: on the Happy Family's webshop.
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Speaker 2: Now it's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the
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Speaker 2: time or parent who just wants answers? Now, Am I
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Speaker 2: smiling or not?
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Speaker 3: We are transforming our relationships with our children, and most
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Speaker 3: what do you meaning? Are you smiling on it? What
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Speaker 3: did I miss? What I'm miss I'm so focused on
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Speaker 3: helping people make their families happier in a time poor
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Speaker 3: so franched away.
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Speaker 1: Yes.
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Speaker 2: Last week we talked about the fact that if you
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Speaker 2: just fake smile, you could tell, and you did. You
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Speaker 2: did your whole thing. Am I smiling or not smiling?
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Speaker 3: Right? That's right?
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Speaker 2: And you weren't looking at me, So I was wondering,
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Speaker 2: was I smiling when I said the tagline or not?
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Speaker 3: You're smiling? Now I can tell that. I mean, I'm
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Speaker 3: looking at you, but I could tell even with my
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Speaker 3: eyes closed, that you're smiling because it makes you feel happy,
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Speaker 3: doesn't it. We're talking about ways that we ways that
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Speaker 3: we can transform our relationship with our kids by just uttering, memorizing,
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Speaker 3: practicing specific phrases. We would love to know your phrases,
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Speaker 3: By the way, send us a voice memo podcasts at
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Speaker 3: Happy Families dot com dot you. All you have to
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Speaker 3: do is open up your phone, go into voice memos.
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Speaker 3: It can be a ten second message or less. Just
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Speaker 3: say hey, Justin and Kylie, here's the phrase that I
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Speaker 3: use all the time that transforms my relationship with my child,
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Speaker 3: and then let us know what that phrase is. I
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Speaker 3: think that we should do a follow up podcast with
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Speaker 3: everybody else's phrases. Can you send that through a voice memo?
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Speaker 3: To podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot auld would
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Speaker 3: be stoked to hear from you phrase number four. This
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Speaker 3: is one of my favorite ones. Don't use it often,
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Speaker 3: but I use it in times where it really counts.
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Speaker 3: So the kids are having a hard time, maybe they've
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Speaker 3: blown it, they've done the wrong thing, and I love
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Speaker 3: to say to them, you mattered to me much more
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Speaker 3: than this matters to me. You mattered to me much
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Speaker 3: more than this matters to me. It's kind of a
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Speaker 3: follow on from that idea that we've shared on the
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Speaker 3: podcast before that people matter, things don't. So when the
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Speaker 3: kids have blown it, when everything's going wrong, when emotions
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Speaker 3: are hostile and hot and everyone's in a tiz, I
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Speaker 3: just like to pull it back and say, do you
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Speaker 3: know what, this relationship is far more important than the issue.
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Speaker 3: We'll deal with the issue later. Let's just focus on
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Speaker 3: the relationship right now. Can we be in a good
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Speaker 3: place together in this relationship. I've said it to you,
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Speaker 3: said it to the kids, and it's a really important,
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Speaker 3: I think reset to help us to focus on what
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Speaker 3: matters most. Because the stuff that we're all fighting about
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Speaker 3: and worried about and dealing with, it'll go Why eventually
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Speaker 3: we'll work through it. The relationship has to endure, and
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Speaker 3: so the relationship has to come first. I love it.
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Speaker 3: Number five Okay, the fifth one is related to my
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Speaker 3: idea that you've got to love the hills. So if
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Speaker 3: you're new to the podcast, you might not know this,
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Speaker 3: but I love cycling. I've been riding bicycles for a
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Speaker 3: long time and I love to jump on my bike
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Speaker 3: and go for long rides, especially up big hills. But
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Speaker 3: a lot of people don't like hills. A lot of
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Speaker 3: people cry and complain and winge and moan about hills
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Speaker 3: because riding up hills is hard. But when you ride
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Speaker 3: up hills, you grow, you develop your strengthen, you become
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Speaker 3: a stronger cyclist, and the view at the top, when
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Speaker 3: you get through that hard thing, it's always worth it.
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Speaker 3: And so what I love to say to the kids
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Speaker 3: is you've got to love the hills. But I always
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Speaker 3: add to it, I believe in you, You've got this.
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Speaker 3: It's that sense of I believe in you, You've got this,
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Speaker 3: you can do this. You've got to love the hills.
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Speaker 3: The hills make you strong.
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Speaker 2: I think that's one that the kids probably hate more
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Speaker 2: than they love. But Hopefully in time they'll recognize, just.
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Speaker 3: Like you have with your mums commies don't want to.
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Speaker 2: They'll recognize and see just how powerful that is.
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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, And the last one no surprises. I love you. Yeah, Well,
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Speaker 3: that's got to be said all the time. But the
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Speaker 3: times where it is the most impactful at the times
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Speaker 3: where we add those three special words on the end,
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Speaker 3: no matter what. Yeah yeah, I was saying I love
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Speaker 3: you no matter what, particularly at times where it feels
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Speaker 3: like a child is particularly unlovable, which is most days
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Speaker 3: in most families. From times like the kids can kind
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Speaker 3: of drive you crazy when we sit down with them,
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Speaker 3: especially after a challenge. I mean when we say you know,
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Speaker 3: you know that I love you, but I need you
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Speaker 3: to know I love you no matter what. There's just
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Speaker 3: something powerful, there's something unconditional. The acceptance that comes along
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Speaker 3: with that is incredibly powerful.
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Speaker 2: I think the power actually comes as much as it's
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Speaker 2: for the child, I think it's actually for us. It's
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Speaker 2: a connection with our hearts. In a time where it's
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Speaker 2: very easy to want to withdraw and put, you know,
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Speaker 2: kind of shun when the challenges are hard, it's a
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Speaker 2: reminder for us to connect.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, in that way. Yeah, I love that. Now
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Speaker 3: we've got these six phrases that will help you to
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Speaker 3: transform your relationship with your child. Perhaps you've got others
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Speaker 3: that you think we should know about. Please send them
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Speaker 3: to us via a voice memo podcasts at happy Families
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Speaker 3: dot com dot au. We would be delighted to hear
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Speaker 3: from you. I want to make one more point before
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Speaker 3: we wrap up the pod today, Kylie, and it's that
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Speaker 3: a lot of people might be going, oh, yeah, I
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Speaker 3: can't remember them all, there's too many. How am I
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Speaker 3: supposed to know how to say it? Why are those
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Speaker 3: words important? I just want to emphasize it's not actually
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Speaker 3: what you say. It's how you convey your feelings to
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Speaker 3: your kids. It's that you say something and that you
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Speaker 3: say it with warmth and compassion and understanding, forgiveness, whatever
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Speaker 3: it needs to be. It's not so much the specific
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Speaker 3: words that you say. You don't have to get the
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Speaker 3: phrase right. You can be clumsy all over those words.
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Speaker 3: But what's the intent behind what you're saying it and
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Speaker 3: are your kids feeling it? That matters. That's what transform
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Speaker 3: transforms the relationship even more than the words totally.
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Speaker 2: You might you might have a word snacker doodles.
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Speaker 3: Right, and snicker doodles just says something in your family.
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Speaker 2: In our house, it's not even a word. It's an action.
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Speaker 2: And the kids can see me from afar and if
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Speaker 2: I do this action, I just wiggle my ear actually
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Speaker 2: with my hand. They know that it means I love them.
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Speaker 3: I don't think I've ever seen you do that really, really,
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Speaker 3: you wiggle your ear well, I hold.
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Speaker 2: My ear up, yeah, and I just wiggle it with
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Speaker 2: my hand. Kids used to used to do it with
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Speaker 2: me when they were on the diving blocks for swimming carnivals.
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Speaker 2: They hated getting up on those diving blocks, and I
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Speaker 2: would stand at the other end of the pool and
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Speaker 2: they'd look at me and I'd give them a little
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Speaker 2: wiggle and they just knew that I loved them and
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Speaker 2: that I was there for them.
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Speaker 3: It's kind of like I've got this thing with them
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Speaker 3: where I just I squeezed them three times. If you
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Speaker 3: get three squeezes, that means I love you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, love it.
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Speaker 3: So it's about the words, but it's also about the
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Speaker 3: intent behind the words. We hope that these ideas will
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Speaker 3: help you to transform your relationship with your children. We'd
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Speaker 3: love to know what you do to transform your relationship
14:06
Speaker 3: with your children. Send us a voice memo podcasters at
14:08
Speaker 3: happy families dot com dot Au. The Happy Families Podcast
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Speaker 3: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
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Speaker 3: is our executive producer, and if you'd like more and
14:15
Speaker 3: fol about making your family happier, you can visit us
14:18
Speaker 3: at happy families dot com dot Au. Tomorrow, on the podcast,
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Speaker 3: we're talking about the habits of healthy relationships.