Latest / Inside The Moms Club / DECIDING WHAT’S BEST FOR AGING PARENTS (So Karma Treats You Well Yourself Someday)

Transcript

DECIDING WHAT’S BEST FOR AGING PARENTS (So Karma Treats You Well Yourself Someday) · Inside The Moms Club

0:17
Hi, Welcome to inside the Mom's Club, where being a mom is the
0:20
coolest place to be. Here in the Mom's Club, we believe that what
0:24
embarrasses you now will make a great story later. And let's face it,
0:30
you don't laugh sometimes you're gonna cry. Join us in having a good laugh
0:34
together. I'm Monica Samuels. You are now inside the Mom's Club, your
0:40
private destination for all things mom think you're saying running. Hi moms, Welcome
0:48
inside the Mom's Club. I'm your host, Monica Samuels, and I'm here
0:51
with my cost Julie Orchid. Hello, Julie, good to be here.
0:57
It is great to be here. We're back here in laws. Yeah,
1:00
we're learning the show here. I know it's doing live shows, but it's
1:04
a delight to come here. But I'm real excited about today's show because I
1:08
have been living uh this for the past six months, and I really am
1:15
excited to hear great advice and all the questions that you know, our zoomer
1:19
moms will ask well, so our listeners know what we're talking about. So
1:23
you you've put your parents, I don't think that's my parents. My parents
1:30
anywhere. My parents chose to move to independent living, which I think is
1:34
a great thing, but it's comical too, because honestly, you know,
1:40
I have two grown children, seventeen and twenty one, and I am running
1:44
a little bit of you know, there's a little backstep I think in life
1:48
where I'm running, sometimes i'm running a little bit of a toddler is all
1:53
over again. And I don't mean that in a disrespectful way. But we're
1:57
learning new things, and we're going back to basics and to learning how to
2:00
do a new way of life, and it's it's comical at best. I
2:05
mean, I love my parents. I spend a lot of time with them,
2:07
so I want the best for them, and I want to know how
2:09
to do it as an adult child of helping my parents the best way I
2:15
know how. But we still have comical things. Well, I know,
2:17
like today you called your mother and you then showed us a picture of the
2:22
inside of her ear. Because the whole thing is not going to get FaceTime
2:24
anytime soon. It's comical best. I call her on FaceTime almost every day
2:29
and I'm like, Mom, I'm looking at the inside of your ear again.
2:34
She's like, oh, and then it's half the face. So we're
2:36
still doing lessons on the iPhone, and it's comical. And it took you
2:40
a while to teach her how to hang up the phone, which you know,
2:44
like you said, she doesn't usually do it. So then you get
2:46
to hear her talk about you with her your father. This is when they
2:51
don't turn off the phone, use it and they say things about me,
2:53
and you're like, I can hear you, I can hear you. Yeah,
2:58
it's it's really you know, moving my mom there was the most challenging.
3:04
She loves the part of not taking care of a house. She loves
3:06
the part of people cooking for her, but quite honestly, getting your mom
3:10
to make new friends or like other people has been the challenge for sure.
3:15
I think it is. Well, so my mom she lives between the three
3:20
daughters, right because when my dad died, she said she didn't want to
3:23
live in the big house, so we sold the house. And then when
3:25
she started living with us, she's telling everyone she's homeless, which now,
3:30
yeah, she kind of clarified, but she said she likes it. She
3:34
does like it. Kind of get what she's saying too, though, is
3:37
because she's almost like another kid in our house because we tell her Okay,
3:42
you have your room. You can decorate your room however you want. Yeah,
3:45
it's yours, and decorate the rest of the house. So yeah,
3:47
it's not her own space that she can do with. Well, you're so
3:50
that's I get it. You and your sisters are really great people, because
3:53
my mom and I are not afraid to admit we're not living together like that
3:59
is not an off and we cannot coexist like that. So when I moved
4:02
my parents into this facility, which is great, by the way, there's
4:09
a gentleman who sits on the bench outside the place, and every day when
4:13
I pulled up, he likes to go welcome to the mortuary. And I
4:16
was like, okay, listen, I'm having a hard enough time with my
4:20
parents. Can you please not say that every time that I pull up to
4:25
come visit my parents or help them do something. Yeah, I mean well,
4:30
yeah, my grandfather, when he was living in Florida, said it
4:31
was God's waiting room. So he he was no, I mean jokes,
4:36
it's not endless little dark humor about everything. I hope someone can give us
4:42
some expertise, Well, someone how to handle this. Someone can We are
4:45
very excited today to have with us an expert on senior topics, and she's
4:50
dedicated herself to educating both parents and children on how to prepare for how to
4:55
navigate senior and retirement living. Please welcome, Martha, Nia, Martha'll welcome
5:00
to the Mom's Club. Thank you, thank you for having me, Yes,
5:05
thank you for thank you for joining us. I mean, there's so
5:08
many things we can talk about, Like, there's so many issues with this.
5:12
And we call ourselves in the Sandwich generation because, as Julie said,
5:15
she counted her seventeen year old as being grown up already, but not quite
5:21
so she's still, you know, as a teenager. And then she has
5:25
her parents and you know, I know, I know what that's like.
5:29
And then there's other issues like where does your where do your parents live,
5:31
either if they're still both alive or my father passed away, and but in
5:38
his case, for example, let's start there. Some people don't want to
5:42
deal with end of life issues like what the what's the last quarter of your
5:46
life going to look like? And then what happens when you pass away?
5:49
And so in my dad's case, he was never going to die. In
5:55
fact, he told us that if we had to keep him alive with a
5:58
bicycle pump. We were supposed to do that, and he even had I
6:00
remember one time a funeral home called him and asked them, gave them all
6:04
their options, and finally they said, well, are you interested in any
6:08
of this, mister letter and he said, no, you haven't talked about
6:11
the one I'm really interested in. And he said, well what is it?
6:14
He said, taxidermy. So my dad was always joking and you know,
6:18
just not and that's the way it was until he died. And then
6:21
we had to deal with all of that and like with no planning, like
6:26
what happens to my mother? Where does she live? What is she what
6:30
do we do? You know, the funeral, everything, and so it
6:33
wasn't it wasn't planned at all. So there, like I said, there's
6:38
so many issues related to her to this, So let's start with the first.
6:43
Your parent is aging, they're not in a place where they're not able
6:47
to take care of themselves, but you know that, you know they're probably
6:50
better not living alone in their home. How do you approach that as a
6:58
as a child If they're not they're like my dad and they're not willing to
7:01
accept they're not twenty anymore. I think I think the conversation has to start
7:08
way back. People who come into my office are either planners or procrastinators.
7:15
And the person that has planned is one that has come early in their parents'
7:20
journey. Maybe they're researching, maybe they're doing their homework, so to speak,
7:27
but learning about all the senior living options out in the community where they
7:32
reside. The hard thing for adult children is adult children have planned for their
7:41
weddings, planned for their children to go off to college, planned for early
7:47
retirement. But have your parents planned for their retirement or their next chapter in
7:55
their life? And so the adult child is sometimes caught in the middle,
8:00
and that's what we call a sandwich generation. But I think you've got to
8:03
do your research. I think you've got to do your homework in finding the
8:07
right community, whether it be having home health come into the into the house
8:13
or actually looking at a senior retirement community, so at a place well,
8:20
so, for example, what if they want to stay at home and you're
8:26
talking about home health, and that can be There's issues with medicare covering,
8:30
like what will who will pay for it? And all of this, there's
8:33
issues of will pay for it? So the payment plan is some of our
8:39
seniors do have long term care insurance. Sometimes those plans actually cover home health
8:46
care in the home. And I want to tell you give you some actually
8:52
tips on what you need to be looking for. But if you are looking
8:56
for to keep your parents in the home, that's great. If they're safe,
9:01
that's great. But there will come a time because the last five years
9:05
has looked different, as is going to look a lot different than the next
9:09
five years. So you need to be able to plan. You need to
9:13
be able to say this is what I am thinking, and don't say that
9:18
out loud. Never tell your mother or your father what you think you could
9:24
possibly say. Would you be open to the concept of maybe senior living or
9:31
having someone in the house. Would you be open to that? Would you
9:35
be agreeable to that? But I never want to say to my parent,
9:39
I think this is what you need to do. You are the adult child.
9:43
You will always be a child in your parents' life. And at what
9:48
point? So for example, my aunt, it wasn't until she fell,
9:56
and she lives in Ohio where it's very cold, and she fell by the
9:58
side of her car and she was laying there with injured and a neighbor saw
10:05
and they were able to call get assistance and to take care of hersus.
10:09
She didn't die and freeze to death, but she now wears a little life
10:13
alerting thing around it because she still wants to live in her house, but
10:15
she's by herself. Is there a point in time where you look at your
10:18
parents like I should ask the question are you amenable to these things? Because
10:22
I'm a before it happens, because before that fall happens. And intainly,
10:28
maybe we have another friend whose mother just fell in the bathroom, broke her
10:31
hip and was laying there for twelve hours. I mean, these things happen,
10:33
so you don't want to feel guilty that you didn't anticipated. But what's
10:39
the right time to start broaching those things, like, you know, would
10:43
you consider because maybe we don't feel that comfortable. We're worried about you living
10:46
by yourself? Or would you wear one of these things? I mean,
10:50
I know it's kind of with some seniors it gets to be a little bit
10:52
of a on a joke, but if you say, well, I want
10:56
you to wear a life alike, they joke about it, but it's not
10:58
funny. I mean, my aunt and aunt now appreciate she really needed that.
11:03
But again they say to begin a conversation at the age of seventy,
11:09
and I actually don't think that should be a definite time. I think it
11:13
should happen anytime that you possibly can broach the subject, and it gives an
11:20
opportunity that you are not threatening or you're talking about the future in a non
11:26
threatening way. But if you have a crisis situation in the house, you're
11:33
one step behind. You need to figure out what to do if something does
11:37
happen. That live alert button is great. Your neighbors are are probably on
11:43
the watch, But do you really want your neighbors to be watching your mother
11:46
and father? That's another thought. When you are in a situation where the
11:54
aunt fell broke her hip, she had definitely she had to go to the
11:58
hospital and then she had to go into some kind of rehab community. That
12:05
is probably the easiest time. It's during a crisis time. But it will
12:11
give them an eyesight as to, yes, it's time for me to move.
12:16
Crisis situations happen all the time. They come across my desk all the
12:20
time. Yes, what do I do? You've got a I've got a
12:24
daughter on the phone that she was crying. She doesn't know what to do.
12:28
So go reach out to a professional in a community and say what do
12:31
I what are my next steps? We are able to help you, We
12:35
want to help you, and we can develop a plan together. Main thing
12:41
is don't wait too long, don't wait until a crisis has happened, and
12:46
do your homework first. Yeah, that's really good information. You bring a
12:50
good point that you know, I had both situations happened, crisis happened,
12:54
and I had to move my mother's sister into skilled nursing and then to assisted
13:01
and she didn't make it. She passed away a couple months ago. So
13:05
there's this, you know, fallout of dealing with the pressure of an emergency.
13:11
And as a retired er nurse, I saw this all the time with
13:15
broken hips and you know, people having to make adjustments rather quickly, which
13:20
can be jarring to the family and especially to your loved one. So now
13:26
you're there, the people are living there, my parents are living there.
13:30
What are the expectations from your residence of the adult children? What they like
13:35
to see? I mean, how often you know, do we visit?
13:39
Do we are going to activities with them? Should we be? I mean
13:43
these seem like simple questions, but I'm sure you hear it all the time
13:46
from your residence about you know, what they'd like to see from their family,
13:52
what is our homework when our parents are making such a large transition.
13:58
Isolation is very detrimental to a senior's health. When you're in a community,
14:05
you will have other people that are like you in the way of similar interest,
14:11
similar activities. Communities have to have certain activities, entertainment presentations, or
14:20
they're not going to be relevant in today's world. At our community, we
14:24
have classes for those who want to learn about their iPhone and I heard you
14:28
all talking about, you know, the phone that can't be turned on or
14:35
doesn't know how to be disconnected. We have those classes. We have the
14:39
classes for people that are wanting to learn Spanish. We have ballet classes,
14:45
we have tap classes, we have zoomba classes. But you want an active
14:50
lifestyle, and in your search, always on your community web page, wherever
14:56
you are looking, they will have activity these that they are involved in with
15:01
their residents. Residents also sometimes don't understand that yes, you can still go
15:07
off campus and go to the symphony or go to your church of choice outside
15:13
of the community. And generally the community does have transportation to those events.
15:18
So it's not just you're not in a bubble. We want you to be
15:24
able to experience those things that are outside of the community, but you do
15:28
want to have that social engagement opportunities for your parents. Whether it be just
15:35
if some people only want to see other residents during dining times, that's fine
15:41
because one of the most common concerns and talk subject matters is the food.
15:50
And they all can gripe and they all can say, yes, the green
15:56
beans they looked yellow today, and that gives them a commonality and that gives
16:00
them the interaction with other people. So social isolation, we do not want
16:06
to do that. We don't want We went through that COVID time. Yes,
16:08
we are a community setting is so so wonderful for a singer who really
16:15
chooses to. So do you recommend showing up and maybe getting that going with
16:19
your parents or is that something that's not frowned upon by some of I mean,
16:25
honestly, my mom will tell you. Actually the biggest thing is I
16:30
what if I want to stay at my pajamas all day and I don't like
16:33
having to get ready and put makeup on it and she'll crack the door about
16:37
ah this much if you knock on our doors, like Mom, it's me
16:40
let me in, like you know what I mean? And so I mean,
16:42
so I feel like I need to draw her out a little bit because
16:45
that could happen. But I don't want to look like I'm holding my mom's
16:49
hand walking around. Yes, saren to point that either I there's a We
16:56
love to have ambassadors at our community, other residents that will knock on your
17:02
mother's door and say, Shirley, let's go down to Bunco. Yeah,
17:07
let's go down to play dominoes. So we try to interact. And that's
17:12
you can get that started in whatever community that you are looking at in the
17:18
way of. And they're not going to tell my mother that I set that
17:21
up, are they? No? I just but generally a community that is
17:30
vibrant, relevant in today's world is going to have that interaction, that activity
17:36
that your mother might enjoy just has to walk out the door. I got
17:41
your walk out the door. My dad always used to say that the magic
17:45
of turning eighty is that you can suddenly say anything that comes to your mind
17:48
without any reservation. And what are they going to do? About it,
17:52
and so my mother and father, yeah, had to go to an independent
17:56
living place at one point because their house there have been some problems and they
18:00
had to leave their house, so they went to independent living for a short
18:03
period of time. My mother did not like it because she said that was
18:07
the clickiest group of people I've ever met. I go to the dining hall
18:11
then, but she said, they don't hesitate to tell you you can't sit
18:15
there, or you're not don't don't sit at our table, or like they
18:18
were. They were like elementary school kids, but with a big you know,
18:22
no filter whatsoever. And so she didn't like it. So do you
18:26
ever have to rein in some residents or try to referee this stuff? There
18:30
are main girls, some of them. Yeah, I mean, I don't
18:33
think it changes whether you're ninety six or five. I agree, I agree
18:38
there are but you've seen it all. I have seen it all. But
18:44
I do think you've got to get your parents to buy into the situation a
18:49
senior living. Oh earlier someone said that I think you need to go look
18:56
at other communities. You need to do your homework as an as the adult
19:02
child without your mother and father, go and do your homework, go and
19:07
walk on the campus. Go at different times, make an appointment. We'd
19:11
like you to make an appointments, but go at different times, and then
19:17
narrow it down to two or three communities. And then take your mother and
19:21
father. Ask for a meal. Because a meal at meal time, you
19:26
will see either you Yes, I will fit in or no, I will
19:30
not. Okay, and I but I do think you you as an as
19:34
the adult child, has to actually walk the first steps by yourself. Okay,
19:40
that's that's a really good advice. But I have kind of a funny
19:42
question because I was obsessed with it. I'm sorry, do you guys have
19:47
watch parties for the Golden Bachelor? I mean, what were people obsessed with
19:52
this? I think because I'm aging and I'm seeing you, I was obsessed.
19:57
I want to hear a funny story. Of course I do. I
20:00
was like, I was like, are they watching it? Like the younger
20:03
people are. I don't know if you know this, but I did.
20:06
I applied for the Golden back You are kidding me? Oh wow, that
20:10
good for you. Yeah? No, And I will tell you. When
20:15
I applied, I had to have a young person help me do the application.
20:22
But then that day, I went up to my residence at a happy
20:26
hour and said, guess what I did. And to this day they keep
20:30
saying that guy, he should have chosen you. But yes, they get
20:37
together and something like that gives them that common sense of belonging with each other.
20:44
They have such great spirits. It's lots of fun. It's lots of
20:48
fun to watch talk about. Of course, I'm in Texas and the Cowboys
20:52
are a big deal. So football season, we get together, we watch
20:56
the Cowboys games, and we always dress in you know, the blue and
21:00
silver. Yeah, so, yes, Monica, we found your place.
21:04
I know where is that? Because yeah, I'm a Cowboys fan, Mavericks
21:08
fan, Rangers face. Oh yeah, yeah, I'm gonna write that down.
21:11
I'm gonna tell my kids to go my husband and our planners, Like
21:17
my husband actually is a planner for this, because one day my kids walked
21:21
over to our copy machine and they pulled these sheets off and it was my
21:23
husband had written out his entire funeral service that he planned, with a lot
21:29
of crying mixed in there and and a lot of great speech. Is now
21:32
one of the people that he chose, he no longer talks to. So
21:34
I don't think that's happening. Yeah, but yes, I like to plan,
21:37
so yeah, I want to get the name of this one last thing
21:41
and then if we're go get to our zoomers. The cost of some of
21:45
these things, like these independent living places are I mean, I've heard that
21:51
in some cases you you have to put a million dollars in and then you
21:55
pay monthly and they give you some of it back later. Something is unaffordable,
22:00
it's not. I don't know what's the range or how do people afford
22:03
this? Well, back to some basics, I think you also should look
22:08
at whether the community that you're looking at dangling preposition is either a nonprofit or
22:15
a profit community. That also will give you some insight as to where they
22:22
actually have their revenue. Does it go to a group of investors or does
22:26
it stay on the campus or in the community itself. Long term care is
22:32
something that most not all, but most seniors do have something that and it's
22:37
called long term care. It's a monthly payment that they have made or a
22:41
yearly payment to a company such as John Hancock trans America. Jen Worth is
22:48
one that a lot of companies or a lot of seniors have that will pay
22:52
for a licensed community, not independent living. Independent living is generally a private
23:00
pay situation, and yes there are entrance fees in some communities. They can
23:07
range up to a million dollars. It is dependent upon the size of the
23:12
apartment, the kind of an apartment, and such in the way that their
23:18
community is based on. When you're in a licensed community such as assisted living,
23:26
memory support, skilled nursing, short term rehab, I mean long term
23:30
care, you are in a licensed building and long term care insurance will pay
23:37
for that. If you do not have long term care insurance, it is
23:41
a private pay and you will be using your assets, your retirement funds and
23:45
such. Medicare does not pay for residency. Been through this the past few
23:56
months, I mean that's right. Medicare will pay for short term rehab.
24:02
Short term rehabilitation such as your mom had a fall, she went to the
24:07
hospital. She now needs to go to a short term rehab hospital and Medicare
24:14
will pick that up up to twenty days. Medicare does not pay for a
24:19
residency. Does not pay for bricks and mortar, No, they do not.
24:23
Medicaid will pay sometimes, but you do have to qualify. You have
24:30
to have slight assets, very slight funds, and I think it's like twenty
24:36
nine thousand dollars a year that you is that your annual income and all that
24:42
can be found. All that information can be found on medicare dot gov as
24:47
well as the Medicaid information. I mean, it's such a fun process.
24:51
I feel like my face is on the wall at Medicare and they're throwing darts
24:53
at it because I've called them so many times this spring, and it's you
24:57
know, I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about the system.
25:02
So I mean, I'm excited to learn more from you today. It's been
25:06
enlightening. Yeah. Now you teach classes for I mean I heard you you
25:11
teach some classes for people like us who are with homework on getting your parents
25:15
ready? Is that true? I do well. I don't actually teach,
25:19
but I do try to explain. I try to school you, and I'll
25:25
tell the adult children sometimes I will throttle you if you don't do what I
25:29
say. Adult children need to have conversations with their parents or parent about their
25:37
finances. I know it's sometimes a little bit awkward to do so, but
25:45
you need to know what kind of finances your parents do have, whether or
25:49
not they have long term care insurance, critically, who their financial planner is.
25:55
Yeah, do they have a power of attorney instruments already in place?
26:00
If they? If you don't know those answers, that is your homework assignment.
26:04
Yeah, because that will give you a blueprint as to how you make
26:10
this journey, what communities that you can go to and afford. And one
26:17
of the things that I think, I hope I get this across. When
26:22
you come into my office and you are looking specifically for assisted living, I
26:27
can help you in assist of living, but I also want you to be
26:32
to understand what it's going to cost you in five years when and if your
26:40
parent needs long term care, because if they need long term care and you
26:45
have slight funds and assisted living, those funds have to last you throughout.
26:52
So I want to make sure that you understand how much it's going to cost
26:55
you today knowing what it's going to cost you in the future because healthcare is
27:00
only going to go up. Yeah. Yeah, Well, don't just plan
27:03
for today, plan for tomorrow. And those are important conversations you have,
27:06
and you're absolutely right, you need to pick the right time to do it
27:07
too. My husband chose to bring these two subjects up during Thanksgiving with his
27:12
parents Thanksgiving dinner. It did not go well, So yeah, pick your
27:17
time. Well, we have some moms who would love to ask you more
27:21
questions. I know they have a lot of questions. So let's welcome our
27:23
zoomer moms. Welcome to the Mom's Club. Okay, moms, I'm going
27:33
to introduce each one of you and just tell us a little bit about yourself
27:36
and ask Martha question. Let's start with Jennifer, Welcome to the Mom's Club.
27:41
Hi, my Jennifer. It's so nice to meet It was so nice
27:45
to meet you, and it was so nice to listen to everything you had
27:48
to say and see your beautiful facility and just the way you light up when
27:53
you talk about it. My great grandparents had they like were managers an assisted
28:00
living place and I would go there as like a really young child. It
28:03
was one of my favorite places to go because I loved I just loved all
28:08
the people there. You know, they had piano and all of that.
28:12
So you've answered almost all of my questions. I think I do have a
28:17
friend, but this is this is a serious thing. I do have my
28:21
best friend who is taking care of her father, who's about I think he's
28:23
eighty eight and he has Parkinson's and he's losing his memory. And she's been
28:30
taking care of him, and you know, she works, and she works
28:33
from home as much as she can and has him go to daycare. But
28:37
it's getting to the point, I think where he's needing to or become overwhelming
28:41
for her, and she's really resistant to, you know, making that transition.
28:48
And how do I talk to her? How do you know? How
28:52
do you bring them to well? There is there are programs and communities called
28:57
respite programs where your friend can let her father move into an assist of living
29:07
environment or the appropriate placement for a short term that gives them a trial situation
29:14
as to whether or not assist of living or wherever it might be is appropriate
29:18
for him. He'll get all the services and the meals, the transportation,
29:26
the assistance, helping, showering and such. Also gives her a time of
29:32
reflection for herself. It's a respite for her as well. And that's what
29:37
I would suggest. If she is not able to break away, or she's
29:41
not able to actually consider a permanent placement, then I would suggest let's do
29:48
small steps come to a respite and honestly, Parkinson's it is a great opportunity
29:56
in most communities for that person who has part Arkinson's to experience the exercise classes
30:02
that generally they have every day, to experience the voice speech exercises that they
30:07
have, water exercises. I'm a big, big supporter of Parkinson's rites.
30:15
I would love to talk to your friend, but there are those support groups
30:22
out there as well. But I would suggest you do a baby step for
30:25
her. Let her do a respite situation in a community. That's great.
30:32
Nancy, welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us a bit, a little
30:34
bit about yourself, and do you have a question for Martha. Hi,
30:38
Oh gosh, I have so many questions. Oh, my name's Nancy.
30:44
I'm a widowed mom of three teenage sons, and I have parents who live
30:49
on the opposite side of the country from where I am, who are in
30:53
their mid to late seventies. So it's interesting. I grew up in the
30:59
north East outside of New York City, and in my experience and seeing my
31:06
grandparents' age and go through this kind of period where my parents are today,
31:11
there weren't communities like yours it was basically convalescent care or in home care,
31:18
not maybe assisted living. I didn't know and still don't know of any independent
31:23
living communities around where my parents are right now, and I'm just wondering.
31:30
I'm also I work in marketing, so it seems to me like, at
31:34
least for gen X, there is a in the Boomers where my parents are,
31:38
there could be a branding issue around these communities, because when my parents
31:45
or even I talk with my contemporaries that live in that part of the country
31:49
about this, it's like a nasty taste in your mouth. No, you
31:52
make it sound beautiful and fun and exciting and part of a community and meet
31:59
friends and do all these things and keep learning and growing even into your older
32:02
age. But I've never seen that, And when I have spoken with my
32:07
parents about it, and they can't think of it in that way either.
32:12
So is there anything that industry might be doing to help with this kind of
32:15
perception of what it means to go into this transitional stage and a new way
32:21
of living as you're reaching into your eighties and beyond. There are there is
32:28
a group, a state group in every there's it's called area, a area
32:35
agency of the agent and they are geriatric care managers and they will help facilitate
32:45
a conversation between you and communities. We call on them sometimes to help do
32:52
assessments. Which is here nor there, but there are there are gerontologists out
33:00
there sometimes there gerontologists are connected with churches as well, and they will be
33:05
able to help guide you and give you recommendations. In that same vein.
33:13
There is a term that we use in our community called a CCRC. There's
33:20
a lot of alphabet letters out there. It's called continuing care retirement community.
33:27
It is a community that has everything under one roof, so to speak,
33:30
not literally, but a continuing care retirement community has independent living, assists of
33:37
living, short term rehab, memory support, long term care, hospice services.
33:45
So you might want to google and say, give me the ccrcs in
33:50
the Northeast and see what you come up with. But again the area agency
33:57
will help you as well as to give you some insight to what's in your
34:00
parents' location. My concern to you is this, they're seventy years old and
34:06
they're at home and they're safe. When they are eighty five or ninety and
34:13
they are having multiple stays in short term rehab because they are getting pneumonia,
34:21
they have UTIs, and you, a single mother, has to fly up
34:25
there several times to check on them because you're in charge of their care.
34:35
You need to have the conversation, mom and dad, this is where I
34:37
live. Would you be opposed? What would you think? Would you be
34:44
agreeable to moving to where I am so I can have a better handle on
34:49
your healthcare and I want you to be around my kids. So not just
34:54
right now this is what you're looking for. Think about what's going to happen
34:58
in the future. That's good. That's that's good advice. Hind Welcome to
35:02
the Mom's Club. Tell us a little bit about yourself and do you have
35:06
a question from Martha? Yeah, oh my god. This is so it's
35:10
just like what I deal with in my business. My name is Hindynam.
35:14
I'm a real estate agency in Los Angeles and I'm usually the one that gets
35:17
called in as the sandwich generation is taking to parents because the homes needs to
35:23
be sold. And one of the things that I've seen and experienced is people
35:30
wait till the last minute and then when we're in the process of selling a
35:32
home, there's no trust set, you know, that's done, there is
35:37
no plan, and sometimes this is the asset that the parents have that's actually
35:40
going to have to take care of them for the long term health. So
35:45
my question is any is there any place where I can send the kids to
35:51
really learn about how to set everything up financially legally, so when we're in
35:57
that process of selling the home and moving the parents that that is a plan,
36:00
a financial plan, that that money is all that acid is going to
36:04
take care of the parents. Is there anywhere I can actually send them?
36:07
And this has been really beautiful, just I'm sitting the room like I should
36:10
think about that for myself too. I don't know where you live, Yeah,
36:19
I'm sorry. In Los Angeles, in California, Los Angeles, in
36:23
Dallas area, which is where I live. There is a place called the
36:27
Senior Source and they will help you guide you with financial and legal documents to
36:35
help prepare. I would reach out to an elder law attorney and get them
36:39
on board, and then go to a financial planner as well, and they
36:45
will be able to network you into all the documents that you need. You
36:49
can also do power of attorney online, which is so crazy to me,
36:53
but you can. But you can Google almost anything, but look for a
36:59
financial planner, look for an elder law attorney, and they should be able
37:02
to plug you into the right people. Yeah, that's good advice. Patty,
37:07
welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us a little bit about yourself and
37:10
do you have a question for Martha. Hello, Yes, I do have
37:15
a question for Martha. I am Patty. I am a single mom with
37:19
an eighteen year old about to go to college, and my parents live.
37:24
My parents live just a few blocks away. I'm fortunate my siblings and I
37:30
are all within a couple miles of my parents, and they're getting older.
37:35
They're eighty five, still living independently, but I'm beginning to see I'm beginning
37:42
to see my mother slowing down and some changes in her health. So I
37:49
know you don't want to wait till the last minute. I don't want there
37:52
to be some sort of a crisis. But in your experience working with the
37:59
adult children, Martha, how do I get my parents right now? Right
38:05
now? They are independent, but at some point they may need the assisted
38:07
living, So getting them over that hump, or let's say they do have
38:14
to make the move to assisted living, but they're hesitant, how do you
38:19
get them. I can't tell them what to do, but it's in their
38:22
best interest a to have that additional support in their daily living activities eyeballs watching
38:30
over them. And then the socialization piece is critical. Oh yes, so
38:35
what if what has worked for you in the past with other families and helping
38:39
get the parents over that? Humph, Well, you want to honor their
38:45
wishes and honor their thoughts on moving to a senior living community. Again,
38:52
I would just start with the conversation. I want to honor your wishes.
38:55
I want you to be a part of this decision making propu SYS. I
39:00
don't want to make this by myself. And generally that's what will happen.
39:06
You'll have the adult child and the mother or father coming in and everyone listens
39:10
to the same information at the same time, and adult children come at it
39:17
a different way. They are worried about care and assistance of their families.
39:23
When you when the adult where the senior comes in, they're worried about their
39:28
stuff. There are there are cats, they're hummels that are sitting in the
39:34
bookshelves, and they're worried about this is where I've made all my memories.
39:39
So you've got to bridge that gap. So you've got to honor their wishes.
39:44
You need to go through and think about let's talk about new memories that
39:47
can be made. And also, I think it's a hard time for them
39:52
and you have to be cognizant of that fact. It's it's easy for us
39:59
because we kind of throw things around and we move on to the next thing,
40:04
but they don't. They ponder and ponder and ponder, and it may
40:07
take a few times for the parent to say, you know what, you
40:14
are right, But let them make their own decision if you can, if
40:20
you could possibly can without across the situation, but honor their wishes. Take
40:23
it, take it slow. They move on a different pace than you did.
40:28
Yeah, that's that. I like the idea of new memories. I
40:30
think that is key that if you position it that way, that that's really
40:36
important. And I didn't mean to laugh, but I have more humbles than
40:38
I know what to do with in the past six months that I mean honestly,
40:44
Like from my mother's sister to my mother, I was like, what
40:46
in the world is happening in my office? I dread what my poor children
40:51
are going to have to go. I can't get that they don't even want
40:52
to think about all the things that I've collected over the many years. And
40:55
when my father died, it was very true. They can't get rid of
41:00
things. Yeah. Well, and my father died, it was very traumatic
41:02
for my mother because suddenly she had to down and she went to sell her
41:06
house and so she went in the state sale and she had to watch all
41:08
her stuff leave, and she'd already lost her husband. So yeah, you
41:13
want to hopefully deal with that before that comes to that point. Emily,
41:17
welcome to the Mom's Club. Do you have a introduce yourself please? And
41:21
do you have a question for Martha? Hello? Thank you. Yes,
41:24
I'm Emily. I am a mom of two fun kiddos. I have elementary
41:29
and middle school age right now, which makes for a lot of those it'll
41:31
be a great story later moment. Right. Similar to what the previous mom
41:36
mentioned is that I'm blessed to have, you know, parents in laws nearby.
41:40
One is less than a minute, the oh, there's all of ten
41:43
minutes away, so it gives us a lot of opportunity to see those everyday
41:45
situations. But they also are very much set on just being independent, staying
41:52
in their homes, so One of my questions I have for Martha is if
41:55
they continue on that, you know, trajectory wanting to stay home. You
42:00
know, I heard talk of like, you know, assisted living, memory
42:01
care, skilled Like, what can you tell me the difference about a few
42:05
of those, because my concern is we're kind of going to jump over that
42:08
first step. Okay, I'd love to independent living. I'm speaking specifically of
42:15
a CCRC Continuing Care Retirement community. Independent living is a lateral move from your
42:23
home into an apartment or a cottage or a little villa, depending upon what
42:30
the name of the independent living area is. In the community that you were
42:34
researching. You do not receive any services. Generally, you do have a
42:38
meal plan. There's generally a minimum age requirement. You've seen a lot of
42:45
fifty five and older communities popping up as well. Services might include meals like
42:52
one meal a day. Sometimes there's housekeeping, but you don't receive any medical
42:58
services or an assistance. Generally, it is not a licensed building. It's
43:05
not regulated. When you are looking at assisted living, you're looking at a
43:09
license building and it is regulated, and there are certain things that are provided
43:15
to the residents. Honestly, I don't like the words assisted living. I
43:19
like living with assistance because that's what it is. It's still a resident that
43:22
is somewhat independent but needs some services. You might have heard the words activities
43:30
of daily living or a d LS. There's another alphabet. Activities of daily
43:36
living are some things that are provided in assisted living, such as help in
43:40
toileting, help in meal preparation. We take care of three meals a day,
43:45
help in transferring, sometimes moving from point A to B. There's generally
43:52
a monthly rental. When you're an assist of living, you are looking at
43:57
a rental, private long term care insurance. Those are all things. Those
44:02
are the ways of payment, and you are licensed, so you have to
44:07
have certain qualified staff members to be in the building taking care of your loved
44:15
one. You'll have Certified Nursing Assistants CNA's, you might have lvn's, you
44:22
might have a director of nursing. Those are all people that work inside the
44:28
assisted living environment. Skilled nursing, I like to say, skilled nursing is
44:35
an umbrella underneath the umbrella of skilled nursing. The short term rehab, which
44:39
we've already talked about, is covered by Medicare. Long term care is what
44:45
you and I would refer to possibly as a nursing home. It's an area
44:50
both that our skills are required nursing skills, medical skills for the safety and
44:58
they're twenty four to seven for the safety of the resident. So you have
45:01
those areas sometimes when you are looking not sometimes, this is always, this
45:08
is always fact. When you are looking at communities, ask for the disclosure
45:15
statements of the community when they are licensed meaning assisted living in above, because
45:20
that will give you also another blueprint to compare apples to apples. One community
45:27
a community b how do you compare them after you've seen them and you've walked
45:31
and had a tour, maybe had lunch, get their disclosure statements and compare
45:37
and that helps you give just a good, great comparison as well. That's
45:42
great, That's very informative. Michelle, welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell
45:46
us a little bit about yourself, and do you have a question for Martha.
45:50
I have my mom of three two columns, daughters and one in high
45:52
school. And my mom is said me by been great, no health problems.
46:00
But I watched my grandparents and my great grandparents go through the whole formerly
46:05
known as nursing palm situation, and it wasn't really great pretty and so I
46:08
think this upcoming generation of the boomer generations really kind of change the landscape of
46:15
this. Could you talk to me about how senior living in retirement looks so
46:19
different than it did twenty thirty years ago. Well, today there are ten
46:24
thousand sixty five people sixty five year old people having a birthday. So every
46:30
day they say ten thousand people sixty five and older are having a birthday.
46:37
Senior living is going to be completely different when I am looking at eighty.
46:43
Not quite there yet, but I think we are in a time where we
46:49
are looking at wellness, the whole wellness of the whole body, body,
46:53
mind, spirit. In senior living, it's not just taking care of person
47:00
needing a shower, it's taking care of their mind, taking care of their
47:02
spirit, having more reflection. My generation is going to require more IT help
47:13
or IT wants and desires. Communities should have an IT department on site.
47:19
But we are going to be wanting more and more and more. I think
47:23
we are, but I know we are. I think we are looking at
47:29
more of a health based wellness bace, not so much as service base,
47:32
which is still important, but I think we want to encompass body, mind
47:37
and spirit. Beautiful. That's great, well, Martha, this has been
47:40
so informative for everyone and I have not only for our own parents, but
47:45
just to plan ahead for ourselves so we don't burn our children with a lot
47:52
to be. Well, you know, I'm definitely coming to your retire I
47:55
mean yeah, now that I know that you're all calibul, I mean,
47:59
hey, go cal Yeah, I'm all for it. So yeah, no,
48:01
that sounds great. Well, where can we find you on social media?
48:05
Where can people reach you? I work in a community a c c
48:09
RC. Get that CCRC in East Dallas called c c Young and it's a
48:16
nonprofit community. We can hopefully shoot you my email address. I'm happy,
48:24
happy, happy to talk. I love my job. It's not a job,
48:29
it's really a service. One time I sold black pants to elderly women
48:36
and in Talbots, and I knew from that moment on I wanted to help
48:40
and be a service to the senior women and men. Sorry, we are
48:45
our industry. And why you didn't get picked for the Golden Bachelor, I've
48:50
got something to say about that. Well, there may be another Yeah,
48:52
I don't know. I will help you with your next application. Maybe they
48:57
didn't you know, that young person didn't just help you there, we could,
49:00
We could jazz it up a little bit for you. So that sounds
49:02
that sounds great. Well, thank you so much, Martha, You're so
49:05
welcome. Well, we also want to thank our sponsor, New Calm,
49:08
which we absolutely love. It's an app that you can get and it helps
49:14
you with sleep, focus energy. I mean we, Julie and I would
49:20
not be here but for New Calm, like roommates, because of New cam.
49:24
We listened to Deep Sleep last night and we feel we feel terrific.
49:29
So and here's the great thing, moms, listen carefully when you subscribe to
49:34
new coom, if you put Mom's Club in the code of checkout, you
49:37
will get fifteen percent off every month of your subscription, not just the first
49:43
month, but every month. So go to the New Calm app. By
49:46
it and I always misspell it, So how do you spell it? It's
49:49
spelled n you c a l M. There you calm. That's a good
49:54
point, Julie, Well for those spellers out of there, because if you
49:59
could, if you you want a spell, you might miss it. So
50:01
yes, a new call. Yeah. So definitely check that out and check
50:05
us out on social media at Inside the Mom's Club. We're on Instagram,
50:08
TikTok, Facebook, and on our website inside the Moom's Club dot com.
50:15
Check us out there because we've got some exciting things coming up. And you
50:17
met all these zoomer moms today. Someday, ladies, if you want to
50:22
be a zoomer mom, check out our website and you too can be on
50:25
the show and be a zoomer mom, and we know you'd have fun with
50:29
us here. Well, Julie, I can't believe it. Let these shows
50:31
go by so fast. We're done already. I can't believe it. But
50:36
we'll be back next time with celebrities and extraordinary women moms just like you.
50:42
We thank you so much for spending all your precious me time with us.
50:45
And remember our motto out there, ladies, if you don't laugh sometimes you're
50:49
gonna We're going to die. So keep laughing, moms. We'll see you
50:52
next time Inside the Mom's Club. Thank you, lad your moms. You
51:02
were great. You were great.