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Avoiding Snowplow Parenting Pitfalls · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Hello and welcome to Talking FACS. We share information that can strengthen
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  your family, your community, and our state.
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  I am your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  We are housed in the Martin-Gatton College of Agriculture, Food, and Environment.
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  Helicopter parenting is a concept that has been around for a long time.
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  And you may think that we are just trying to be seasonally appropriate when
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  I mention that our topic for today is snowplow parenting.
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  My guest is Dr. David Weisenhorn, our Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development.
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  And he is here to shed some light on this concept. Welcome, David.
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  Well, thank you, Mandy. So tell me, what is snowplow parenting?
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  Well, I love the way you opened it up because you're right.
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  It's a term that seems to have advanced a bit from what we might have earlier
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  heard as helicopter parenting.
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  But snowplow parenting kind of
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  takes it that step further, which isn't the step in the right direction.
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  I'll start with that. But snowplow parenting refers to overly protecting a parenting
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  style that parents try to remove all of the obstacles and challenges from their children's path.
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  Like a snowplow would clear the road.
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  Parents are clearing these obstacles for their children with the hopes that
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  that would benefit them, you know? Yeah.
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  Well, and it seems to me that having raised two boys, that if we clear all the
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  obstacles, then when they get to adulthood, they don't know how to function on their own.
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  And so we haven't really given them any benefit. They don't know how to fly
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  when they leave the nest.
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  You couldn't be more accurate with that. And I want to be sympathetic.
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  I want to start as a parent who, when we begin, we don't know much of what we're
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  doing. I think that's pretty standard across the board.
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  And so I really want to put it out there is the reason I think parents do that
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  is to protect their children. They don't want their kids to fail.
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  It's hard to watch a child be uncomfortable or troubled deeply or hurt physically.
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  And so the intent, I think, is good, but you're absolutely right,
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  Mindy. When you do that, it's to the child's detriment in so many ways.
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  Parenting is probably the most important job that comes without a manual.
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  And so we need things like our podcast to help parents have a guide to help
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  them along this journey that is so important and has such major ramifications.
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  And you know, you figure we've been around, we've been on the earth long enough
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  that somebody should have written a guide somewhere along the line.
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  But the reality is, and why that guide doesn't exist, I believe is because of
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  the nature of humans, just the uniqueness that we really are unique.
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  And so parenting a unique child, or if you get the opportunity or the blessing
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  of having more than one, then you get to see that they are very different and
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  they are certainly unique.
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  But you're right, there are drawbacks. And I think one of the major effects
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  that research has shone is that when we shield our, our children,
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  it really prevents them from developing that resilient problem-solving abilities
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  and the ability to cope with adversity. And I think you mentioned that.
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  Did you have an example of a time like that when you felt like maybe you were
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  hurting your child by it with the attempts of helping them? Oh, yeah.
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  You know, I think so many times my kids, and I always go back to when they were
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  in high school And I had a hard and fast rule that we had to turn in the best
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  possible grammatically correct papers that we could.
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  And my kids were like, mom, the teachers don't care. They don't care.
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  And I'm like, yes, they do. They do care.
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  No, no, no. And they grew up in the years of phonetic spelling. you know?
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  And, and so I, I was like, they called me the grammar.
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  My kids called me the grammar po po because they, I was like,
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  yes, you've got to do this.
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  And so we would, you know, go over their papers with fine tooth combs and,
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  you know, make sure that we had all of the grammar errors corrected and,
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  and the spelling was right.
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  And all of the punctuation was, was proper and, you know, Everything was good.
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  And I went to a parent-teacher conference one time, and a teacher said to me,
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  she said, you know, your boys have great papers when you turn them in.
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  But she said, but I feel like they don't have the ability to self-regulate.
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  And I'm like, oh, yeah.
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  Maybe I am doing a little bit too much.
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  Well, and powerful insights and great that they do that.
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  But that's exactly, you know, that is exactly what the research indicates is
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  that when we pave the road and really begin to intervene in a child's life, we stop them.
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  We interfere with that struggle that they need to develop that sense of independence
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  and that self-efficacy, right?
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  How do I begin to believe in myself when I'm not the one that's actually learning
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  the skills? And it goes further.
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  The research actually shows that the opposite actually happens.
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  When parents are overprotective and over-involved in the child's life,
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  that those children later in life have a problem with just that,
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  self-regulation, right?
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  And they actually exhibit higher levels of anxiety.
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  And we begin to see a lot of anxiety right now in our children.
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  And that may not be, what I'm not saying is that it's only because of snowplow
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  parenting or overprotective parenting, but what that does lead,
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  that is one of the variables that can lead to these overly anxious children.
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  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think in my case, it had the opposite effect.
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  It was like, they didn't care. Mom's going to fix it. So.
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  Right. Well, you know, hey, and that's a good point because the second piece
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  that I think is probably the other, what I would indicate is the other most
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  detrimental piece to this is this
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  leading to a sense of entitlement. One time, that whole idea,
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  just what you said, it doesn't matter, mom's going to get it.
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  But whenever we clear all that, children begin to expect that the world will
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  always cater to their needs and desires.
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  As any adult listening would know, that's a very unrealistic expectation in
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  really setting our children up for disaster if we give them that perspective
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  that the world is going to cater.
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  Well, and I am so thankful for that teacher for pointing that out to me before
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  it became a major issue, because then I just backed off. And I was like, okay, you boys do it.
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  You do your work, you need to make the corrections, and you need to live with
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  the grades you get if you don't do it.
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  And that was a great learning experience for them.
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  They saw what a difference it made when all of a sudden they didn't get their own grades.
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  It's not that they did their own writing. It was just the grammar and the punctuation
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  that were killing me, I guess. Right. Yeah.
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  And when it was their own, then they had to live with the consequences.
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  And so then it became their own. And they got to deal with it in high school
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  and not when they got to college.
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  And so, you know, that was a big deal.
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  And so part of that then was you allowing them to make those mistakes and being
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  okay with their grammatical mistakes, right?
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  Yeah. And that's a, and I could, it's funny because that's a perfect segue into
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  one of the things that I think is key that parents can really focus on and how
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  to avoid this misstep of over-parenting is just that, begin with finding a balance.
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  And that sounds like you had some help with the teacher to identify,
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  to bring some awareness to it.
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  But then you said, okay, wait a minute, I'm gonna work on creating a healthy
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  balance between support and independence, right?
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  So now I'm gonna create this environment where I'm gonna allow those mistakes
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  are not necessarily viewed as critical or a lack of knowledge,
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  but more so as an opportunity to learn. Exactly.
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  Yeah. And that's what I want to present to parents is that it's not the removal
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  of obstacles doesn't help.
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  What does help is allowing children to make mistakes, especially younger in
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  life. Make those mistakes that aren't as costly.
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  Now's the time when they're young to let them mess up and learn when the stakes
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  aren't as high. Yeah, exactly.
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  Yeah, I agree 100%. And I was talking not too long ago to a mom who has two
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  kids, and we were talking through some of these things, and she's like,
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  how did you get so smart? And I was like, well...
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  I have the benefit of hindsight and that really does help. I'm not in the thick of it right now.
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  And so when you are in the thick of parenting, sometimes it feels very overwhelming.
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  But when you can look back and realize, well, if I had done this or if I had
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  done that, then it does kind of give you a little bit of insight that maybe
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  when you're in the middle of it, you don't have.
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  Yeah, for sure. For sure you don't have it. A lot of times you don't know what
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  you need to know and when you need to know it.
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  The other thing I heard you say, which I'll key in because I think it's really
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  the second piece that I would offer to parents is just this promoting that communication.
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  The idea that, hey, you said, hey, listen, okay, guys, you're on your own.
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  And they were able to speak with you about what their struggles were and maybe
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  what that was like for them.
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  And that's it, right? we want to encourage children to express that.
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  We want to hear their feelings.
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  We want to help build that trust through those open channels of communication.
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  And this allows parents to understand what a child needs, what they need without
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  the excessive intervention of stepping in and actually doing it.
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  So more so the encouragement is what children can really, what is really valuable
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  to children is that we encourage them, not do it for them, but encourage to
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  keep on in the persistence of something that might be difficult, right?
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  And that develops such a character trait that we later in life look at and admire, right?
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  Someone that doesn't give up easily, that persists in hard times or in difficult situations.
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  You look at that and you say, that's the person I want on my team.
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  That's the individual that I want to hire for this job because they can do hard
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  things and they don't give up.
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  Well, and giving them the space to make mistakes, but recognizing that you can
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  make changes and you can improve upon whatever it is that you're doing.
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  Whether it is your grammar or some other mistake or challenge that you face.
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  It really opened up lines of communication between us because then I wasn't
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  harping on them about the challenges or the mistakes that they've made,
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  but I really was giving them the opportunity to come to me and say,
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  how can I make this better mom instead of you have screwed up?
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  I love it. And that's such a critical lesson for them to learn in that transfer
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  of knowledge to say, hey, listen, I am here.
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  And so I want to encourage parents now, if you find yourself,
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  if maybe you identify now that you've heard this, you're like,
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  oh, man, maybe that's me.
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  Maybe I have been clearing some of the obstacles and challenges and hardships
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  that are in my children's life. It's not too late.
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  It's as you learned, as you were brought to that awareness, Mindy,
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  you were quickly, you shifted and that was exactly what was needing.
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  And out of that shift, your children learned a couple of things.
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  They learned that mom does have my best interest. She's got my back because
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  she was trying to do this for me. She wants the best for me.
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  But now that she's allowed it now, and now she wants to hear what I have to say.
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  She's there for me if I need it. And so I want to encourage parents that if
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  they feel like that's them right now, you are making some good moves.
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  And the good moves are that you're showing your kids you care for them.
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  And that is, but the overstepping, you know, finding that healthy balance,
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  that's going to be important. And you can do that, right? So it's never too
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  late. Appreciate that, Mindy.
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  Well, and I can say here on the backside, now that I have children who are in
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  their late 20s, they still come to me when they have a challenge and they're
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  like, mom, what's your perspective? How do you see this?
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  And that is gratifying as an older person now that they value my opinion and
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  they value my perspective.
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  And they don't always go the way that I think that they might be best for them.
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  But at least I know that they consider my opinion valuable or or my input is important to them.
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  And so that would never have happened if I had always just steamrolled them.
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  So I really do appreciate the input from that early teacher who said, hey.
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  You're really doing too much here. I mean, so quickly you were able just to
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  strike that balance between support and independence, allowed them room to make
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  mistakes, and then fostered that open communication.
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  And that is, in a nutshell, what I wanted to bring today.
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  Those are those crucial steps in avoiding those pitfalls and maintaining good
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  relationships and open communication with your kids.
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  I couldn't ask for a better story, Mindy, to illustrate.
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  Yeah, and you put me on the spot, so I had to think of one really quickly.
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  I know. I'm sorry for that, but you did well. Good, good, yeah.
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  And, you know, grammar might not be the biggest concern in parenting skills
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  or parenting life, but, you know, it's a small story.
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  But it is something that has had an effect on our relationships throughout the years.
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  We've kind of covered what snowplow parenting is and what some of the effects
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  of it might be. and ways that we can avoid it.
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  What else do we need to do before we wrap up? Keep getting up and doing it and
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  learning and knowing that even when we mess up as parents, that there's always
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  room to recover from that. And so I hope that's the message today.
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  A couple of things that that's what we know is snowplow parenting is.
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  And now as we move forward, that if that's us, we know how to avoid it.
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  And if we do find that that is us, we know how to correct it.
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  So keep working, keep being and a great parent.
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  Well, and as always, if you need support, you can reach out to your local extension
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  office because we have lots of resources that are available.
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  David, thanks for taking the time to share with us today.
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  Mindy, thank you for having me. If you are just tuning in, you have been listening
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  Music.