Latest / Many Things with Steph Libby / Values, Dealbreakers, & My Materialists Rant

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Values, Dealbreakers, & My Materialists Rant · Many Things with Steph Libby

Hello friends, I have so many things I wanna get into today.
Thanks for joining me.
I have a feeling this may be a longer episode.
I wanna try to keep these between 30 and 40 minutes, really closer to 30 minutes, but I think this one's gonna go over.
A lot has happened and been going through my mind in the last week and I wanna share it all with you.
On that note, I'd love to know what you think of the length.
Maybe you want something longer.
I don't know.
I wanna start off this episode by talking about how I'm feeling.
I'm in the thick of a breakup and contemplating a lot of big life stuff, and obviously I'm not a mental health professional.
So I think it's important on this journey to make sure I'm framing the emotions around the things I'm talking about, episode to episode so that you take my words with a grain of salt.
I'm not trying to be prescriptive in this podcast.
I'm not trying to tell you how you should do things or what you need to do on your healing journey, but, I'm just sharing my experiences.
I hope they're helpful, but I'm not a doctor.
I'm not a therapist.
I am just a woman existing this world, trying to make sense of it all.
So today I am feeling a lot of anger and frustration and annoyance.
But I'm also feeling a lot of panic, which I'm trying to kind of figure out where that comes from and sadness.
I'm about six weeks, seven weeks out from my breakup.
And I honestly, I haven't cried much.
Like I've, I felt sadness, but I haven't really cried.
Something about this week has really made me super emotional and I have finally started to really cry and like a lot of crying.
So that's a, that's been something I've been trying to wrap my head around But anyway that's how I'm feeling.
So also just kinda keep that in mind as I'm going through each episode, obviously how I'm feeling impacts what I talk about.
So again, just a grain of salt to, to keep in mind.
I want to start introducing a segment that I'm gonna call Word of the Week.
To me it's a one word kind of mindful meditation for the week.
The goal is to provide some structure to my healing.
Instead of feeling like I'm spitting out in a million directions, I'm hoping it'll help me like sharpen my focus.
Healing is so non-linear and very slow going that.
I can feel like I'm making a lot of progress internally, but it doesn't always feel like progress is actually being made, even though I know deep down it probably is.
I figure with a small focused intention, it gives me a way to kind of take stock of my week and be like, you know what, actually I did really well with at least this one thing this week.
Even if the rest of my life feels really out of whack, even if it feels like I, I haven't, I'm not healing.
Like, why do I still feel sad? Why do I still feel angry? All these things, I can at least have something to look at and go like, no, like you really thought a lot about this particular area this week.
And it's not a one and done kind of thing.
I'll cycle through the intentions.
It's just giving me more specific to guide me that week.
So the word for this week is value.
What are the values I want in an ideal partner? What value do I bring into a relationship or what value do I add to a relationship? It's not always easy for me to feel like I have value.
It's probably why I am so codependent and so anxious all the time and so hard on myself.
It's not easy for me to compliment myself or acknowledge my strengths and what makes me desirable, and it makes it really hard to contextualize like why someone would want to be with me which makes it very easy for me to fall into the same old.
Patterns with the same old types of people.
How will I honor my values and my self worth and what I feel I bring to the table in my daily interactions, whether I'm single or in a relationship as well as who in I date in the future? Like, how are my dating decisions gonna honor my values and my self worth? So, those are the things on my mind this week.
If you're on this journey with me and you find the strategy helpful as well, I'd love to hear from you and learn what speaks to you when I say value.
You can find me on Instagram at Solitary Creature Pod.
You can send me a DM and let me know how things are going for you.
I'd love to hear from you.
And also I'm very open to hearing other strategies that people have done and trying to incorporate them.
So today and the next week, we are thinking about value.
Another segment I wanna introduce as part of my healing journey and part of my, I don't know, like self-discovery and learning to reconnect with myself.
And last episode I talked a lot about how I'm really bored and lot of empty hours that I need to fill.
So I am adding in a segment that's gonna be kind of like a recommendation corner, I wanna talk about the shows and movies, the music hobbies, anything that I'm doing that's helping me distract or helping me cope.
And anything that I think would be helpful for you guys.
Some things are new releases, some things are revisiting, and finally, or like finally giving a chance after, not wanting to watch it for a while.
I think movies and music and shows all have a really important part in all of our lives.
Like we all just, there's certain movies that really resonate and stick with us.
I wanted to talk about the movie Materialists, which came out I think in June this summer.
It stars Dakota Johnson, Chris Evans and Pedro Pascal.
Dakota Johnson plays Lucy, who is a matchmaker in New York City.
Chris Evans plays a cater waiter and her ex-boyfriend and Pedro plays.
Harry, who is a finance guy, really rich finance guy that Lucy dates during part of the movie.
And I am gonna say like, there will be spoilers.
So if you haven't watched this movie and you want to, I would like skip ahead to the next section and or stop this podcast.
Go watch it and then listen to me rant about it.
So the movie explores choosing between wealth status and shiny distractions versus, you know, a modest, grounded, life.
It looks at modern love, dating, loneliness.
It also looks at how ambition and money and appearances all kind of like play together, but can also chip away at real connections.
Lucy, as I said, she's a matchmaker.
She goes to a wedding of one of her clients.
The groom is Pedro Pascal's brother.
That's where they meet.
And Chris Evans is working the event as a cater waiter and we find out that they used to date.
There's clearly like some sort of connection still between them, unresolved feelings.
They definitely have a good banter and, but she also has really good banter with Pedro and she's trying to strike up, a deal to get him to come to the matchmaking firm so that they can get him, find him a match.
But he wants to date Lucy.
They start dating and she decides that Harry is not for her.
She wants to be with John, played by Chris Evans.
And so you kinda see throughout the movie while Lucy is dating Harry, that, you know, she calls Harry a unicorn in the matchmaking world.
He's really rich, he's handsome, he is put together.
He lives in this big Tribeca apartment.
She's, and she's made it very clear that she grew up poor her and John when they were together.
Rapport that made her very unhappy and she wants to marry for money.
She says, like she, she says that her deal breaker is money.
She wants someone that's wealthy and that her non-negotiable is not being rich, is being rich.
They are attracted to each other, but eventually she just, she finds a ring.
Harry wants to propose on this like big grand gesture of a trip, her dream vacation that he wants to take her on.
They've only been dating like a little while and she just decides that, she doesn't love him and he doesn't love her.
And even though they're good on paper, she love, she the word she uses that love has to be on the table.
And.
So then she kind of runs back to John.
They're kind of hanging out, you know, she's getting comfort from him.
And then he's just sort of like, look, what are we doing here? Like, why are you here? Are we doing this again? Are we like really doing this? Like, what do you want? And she doesn't really know.
And he just kind of gives one of those long speeches on a stoop to her about how he can't guarantee that he'll ever make a dime more than what he is making now, but he knows he can love her for the rest of her life, and that's the best deal he can offer her.
And she accepts and they start dating.
And then we see at the end of the movie that he proposes and she accepts and, so that's sort of like a plot recap.
'cause I think that's important to understand the context of it.
But I just wanna say that I am recommending this movie.
I think what I'm about to say in two minutes is going to have you go like, she hated this movie, but I didn't.
I thought this movie was really beautiful, so gorgeous, incredible writing a really great a lot of great nuance, like directorial nuance from Celine Song.
I even loved Dakota Johnson's acting, which is surprising because I don't think she's an actress with much range, but this role was a hundred percent in her range.
I feel like this role was made for her.
She has that very cold flat acting.
Her acting is cold and flat and that sounds like a neg in most cases.
It kind of is.
But she does really, really well in roles that required just sort of a cold.
Flat, not particularly like emotional character.
So that being said, the movie left me really conflicted.
The biggest thing is that I thought it was a romcom.
It definitely wasn't.
So if you haven't seen the movie and you're thinking about watching it, if you think you're getting a romcom, you are not, I don't even know if there was even a single, like real funny haha joke in it.
There were like some, there was like some smart dramedy kind of humor, but it was not a romcom.
So the trailer and press chunk, it felt very misleading.
It was a drama.
It was a straight up drama.
And, but it.
Regardless of romcom or not, But it really struck a chord with me.
I really related to Lucy and her gravitation towards John and her hating herself because she's materialistic.
'Cause I have often felt that way.
I don't like that the movie ended with this very black and white love over money idea in marriage and relationships.
For me, love and money go hand in hand.
You need both for a successful relationship.
Also, if.
Someone can't make money or they can't save money.
I think that speaks to deeper and larger issues at hand and at hand.
And I'm not talking about a brief hardship, you know, like that's different.
Like someone lost their job and they're out of work for a couple months.
That's different.
I'm talking about someone who doesn't value money or understand money at all.
Someone who doesn't value themselves to try to pick themselves up out of a life that they clearly don't like, which seems to be very much the case with John.
He does not seem to be impressed with himself.
He seems to be embarrassed by himself and his current state, even though I, I don't necessarily think he has a reason to be embarrassed, but I think if someone wants to do better, they need to make the effort to do better.
If he's happy with his life and happy as a clam, like that's totally different than like, do you, you know? And I wanna be clear, like Lucy's issue with John isn't just that he doesn't have money to buy her a nice dinner on their anniversary.
It's also that he didn't respect that having a nice dinner on their anniversary was something she wanted.
Even if he thinks it's frivolous, it's not to her or it wasn't to her.
So for them to end the movie with them having dinner in the park, eating street meat was enraging to me.
I didn't think it was romantic.
I didn't think it was sweet.
I didn't think it showed growth from either side of them.
I think it showed a toxic recycling of their relationship and, the dynamic that they had before.
Did she seem happy? Sure, but I don't think.
The real life Lucy would've been happy.
What would've been a good ending was if John saved his shekels and took her to a semi-decent restaurant to show that he listened to her wants and was trying his best to actually meet them.
And I admit, I am bitter because I can't remember a time when when my ex brought me out on a real date, I honestly don't know that there's ever been, I don't know that he's ever bought me a meal out.
Maybe he took me out for like veggie burgers when we first started dating, but I feel like I probably paid for that too.
And maybe he's paid for takeout a handful of times, but that's like not a date.
That's not, you know, I've never had someone just like a.
Plan a date for me, like a really nice date.
I planned lots of dates for other people where we go out for mini golfing and ice cream, or we go to the apple orchard or a pumpkin patch, or we find a really cool bar and go have nice fancy cocktails or whatever.
All I've wanted is for the man in my life to surprise me with a nice romantic dinner like he's made whatever to eat, even if it's not going out, like he doesn't have to take me out somewhere.
Just like a nice romantic dinner.
I want a gesture he's made whatever dinner to eat, set the table, lit some candles, put music on that I like, play like really romantic Taylor Swift songs and make me feel special.
No one has ever done that for me, and I've done plenty for them.
And I think that's all Lucy really wants to.
I don't think she actually wants the expensive dinner for an expensive dinner sake, but she does wanna feel safe and seen and taken care of.
An even better ending would've been that she didn't pick either one of them, honestly, that she didn't pick Harry because she didn't love him, but she doesn't pick John either.
John really felt like going two sets backwards and settling.
Do they love each other? Sure.
But when that man stood on the stoop and said, when I look at you, I see gray hair and getting all together, and children that look like you, I wanna just scream, sir, you can't even afford.
A dinner, why are you talking to this woman about raising children in New York City? You know, like it, it just, it drove me nuts.
John is the type of person who thinks that love will always be enough.
And I'm sorry if this is like cynical of me.
Actually I'm not sorry.
Maybe this is cynical of me, but love is just like not enough.
That is a fairytale we were told when we were kids, but real relationships require more than just loving the other person.
You have to be a partner.
Being a partner is not about just love.
It's one piece of it, but it is about building a life together.
And if one of you is really focused on building that life together and the other person is not.
It's just like not gonna work.
There were three major things that my ex and I argued about.
The biggest one was his drinking.
The second biggest was money.
And the third one relates to both of those things and it's responsibility.
There were, there are a lot of money adjacent behaviors that we're looking for when we talk about money.
Things like maturity, being able to plan and think ahead, impulse control, ambition, goal setting, even things like positive thinking.
A lot of those behaviors can relate in part to money and finances and overall stability.
They're not exclusive to money, but I think they all play together.
I am not saying that we shouldn't love the Johns of the world, but John is not meant for Lucy, or at least this version of John, where he currently is, is not meant for Lucy.
And I'm not saying that Lucy shouldn't prioritize love with money, but let's be real.
John didn't change.
He just said he'd take on more catering shifts and maybe also give up his dream of acting.
Sorry.
That does not make me swoon, and it shouldn't make Lucy spoon either.
I hate this narrative that caring about money, particularly in a relationship is a bad thing.
Let me tell you a story.
A couple months ago, my job let go of 20% of our staff.
Now we're a small company, but it was still several people that got let go.
My boss told me, it was essentially between me and another person, and they decided to let go of the other person basically for the reasons that I'm a doormat and will do whatever, and that is an issue for another day.
But realizing how close I was to losing my job freaked me the fuck out.
I don't have much in savings because I've been supporting two people over three years on a salary.
That's really not meant to support two people.
When I say I live paycheck to paycheck, I mean it in the most literal sense.
I get down to a few bucks by my next paycheck.
I have debt that I'm struggling to pay off.
There is almost zero fund money in my life.
I don't wanna live that way.
Money comes in and 90% of it goes to Bill.
Being that close to losing my job, put everything into perspective.
If that hadn't happened, I'd probably still be with my ex right now.
But it became so clear to me that he's lost many jobs in our relationship and I have always been there to catch him.
But if I lost my job, no one was there to catch me.
He's too good to get a job at McDonald's or as a dishwasher or working at the gas station, even though he's fully unemployed most of the time.
But if I lost my job.
I'd have to go get whatever job I could find in the meantime until I could find a job that replaced my actual full-time job.
And to be clear, I'm not hating on any of those jobs.
I've literally done all those jobs, not specifically McDonald's, but other fast food.
I use those because those are specifically jobs he rallied against applying for.
He said to me multiple times, I'd rather be homeless and live in the woods than go work at McDonald's.
That is a direct quote.
One time he said that to me while I was trying to explain our household budget to him, and that was his response.
My ex didn't get it.
He didn't understand why I was so upset and I spiraled.
I realized I'm not living the life I wanna live.
I'm not getting any closer to the life I wanna live.
We always talked about selling this house and buying some cabin in the woods, on the river, or on a lake with acreage and maybe one day buying a campground and running that.
But that costs money.
Dreams cost money.
I don't care if you wanna live van life or retire early or just not work until the day you die.
It all costs money.
Even people like that, you know you want land, it costs money.
Even off grid.
Tiny homes cost something to get them off the ground.
It had been three years and things just kept getting worse financially, among other things.
So when people act like money doesn't matter or act like money.
To survive is materialistic.
It really pisses me off.
I'm not saying that money should be the most important thing on your list, but I do think it should be somewhere on your list.
And at the very least, I think you need to be clear about where you stand with finances and whether you are in my position or my ex's position, you need to be able to have conversations about money and make sure that you're both on the same page.
'cause if you're not, I don't know that people ever eventually get on the same page about money.
And in my experience, when you try to get people on the same page, it takes a lot of effort and it creates a lot of animosity, whether it's someone trying to get them down on their level, or you're trying to bring someone up onto your financial level and.
I don't need someone who makes millions of dollars.
I don't even need someone who makes a hundred thousand dollars, but I do want someone who understands the fundamentals of money and managing money.
I want someone who is somewhat stable and dependable with money.
At the very least.
I want someone who takes money seriously, even if they don't understand it now or they're not making them a lot of money and they're just kinda scraping by.
I at least want them to like have a money mindset or just like take it seriously.
Not look at it like it's some frivolous thing.
Money is livelihood.
There's a scene in the movie where John is working as a cater waiter at.
The wedding.
And he is being kind of a dick and he says, I'm just being a jerk because I'm embarrassed.
And Lucy says, what are you embarrassed about having a job? And that made me wanna cry because I felt that, I really felt that, like, I feel like that's how I felt when my boyfriend didn't wanna work at McDonald's.
'cause he thought it was embarrassing.
And I just thought, what's embarrassing about working at McDonald's? You are afraid people are gonna look down at you for working at McDonald's, but you're the person that's looking down at people who work at McDonald's.
What do they have to be embarrassed about? Working hard, providing for their families, making it work in a tough economy.
Making it work in a tiny, tiny town that only has a few dozen job openings every season.
Make no mistake.
That is who John truly is and simply wanting to win back a girl he loves, I don't think changes that kind of fundamental, deep rooted thinking.
Maybe it can change eventually, but it's not something that changes as quickly as the movie wants us to believe.
And for what it's worth, the movie ending didn't really make it.
There wasn't like a small scene where we see John hard at work, happily taking on an extra cater leadership.
We just see him buying street meat and then meeting her in the park and proposing with a daisy ring.
What I think happens after the movie ends is Lucy starts to plan their wedding, and John thinks it's a frivolous waste of her money.
We know he's not gonna be paying for this wedding.
It's gonna be Lucy.
And so she cuts corners and downsizes and maybe they just end up eloping and that's what's going to happen for the rest of their relationship.
She's going to compromise on everything and eventually grow to present him for it while he seemingly makes the tiniest gestures of compromise.
But they're not really compromises.
And the thing is, she already knows this because it's how he was before.
She wants to go to a nice restaurant on their anniversary and he complains about every minute of it.
They're in a car, he's complaining about having to pay for parking and she says, well, I don't know why you brought your car.
Who know it's a pain in the ass to park and the restaurant's gonna charge us a fee if we're more than five minutes late.
And he says that, that's stupid and all this stuff.
And it's their anniversary and she ends up getting out of the car and they're screaming at each other in traffic on their anniversary because he doesn't wanna shell out 200 bucks for a nice date.
Now I think $200 is a lot of money for a date I am to I I do understand John's point of view because it's like I wouldn't wanna pay $25 for parking either.
I don't think we should have to go out to a fancy restaurant to confirm our love for each other.
But he's with someone who does want that.
She does want a frivolous dinner it's not all about Lucy taking him back.
You know? It's like she's 50% of the problem, right? Like how audacious of John to ask for another chance when he knows very well he's the same, or perhaps even worse than he was when they were together.
The Johns of the world need to stop asking for the loosies of the world to love them and take them back.
They need to stop asking the loosies of the world to lower their standards in order to create space for the Johns of the world and their lives.
You know what she wants, John, and yet you asked her anyway.
He basically said on that stoop, I can't give you a pot to piss in, but I love you, so I think you should settle and be with me anyway.
What a fucking asshole.
If you're not enraged by his proposition, that tells me you've never been put in that position.
And you should think you're lucky stars that you haven't, because it feels awful to be the person that, that's the proposition that's being offered to you.
I have nothing, but I love you and I know you want more than nothing, but come on, I love you.
So just like be with me.
Just like give up that dream of having better than nothing and be with me because I love you.
I wish people.
Myself included, could do better with understanding when they're not capable of making someone happy, when they're not going to be able to give the other person what they need and want, especially if they've been clear about what they need and want.
Like know your own limits.
Be honest with yourself about what you can give.
Be aware enough to know whether you can give to someone an equal amount of what they're giving to you.
If you know you can't give the person you love what they need and you ask them to love you anyway, it's just cruel.
Just because you can ask John doesn't mean you should.
I, again, I am biased because when I met my ex, I.
Had created a list of deal breakers with my therapist prior to meeting him after my last two relationships ended very badly.
I remember having a conversation with him on like our first-person date of like, this, these are the things I am looking for in somebody.
And this person just went, yeah.
And you know what? I realize that now going over that list of what you're looking for is just giving the person an opportunity to yes you to death.
That what I should have done is not told them really like so explicitly what my list was and hoping that they conform to it.
And instead just let them just see what they do, see what their actions say instead of their words.
Because those words fooled me.
And I kept waiting for that promise to come to fruition because I told you what I wanted.
You said you could give it to me, you said you wanted to give it to me, and you said it was the same things you were looking for.
And three years later I was still waiting for those things, but because it had been mentioned to me, I thought I was gonna be getting it anyway.
I've talked about this movie way too much.
I told you it would be a long one, and I didn't even get into Harry's character, which was half the movie.
So clearly it touched a personal and unexpected nerve.
But I think it was good for me, you know, like it really did help me see things from a different perspective.
And that's why I think a recommendation corner like this might be very helpful.
I do wanna say one more thing.
I say all of this as a Lucy.
Who is still very, very, very much in love with her.
John, if my ex got down on his knees, pleaded for me to take him back and give him one more chance, there is a very good chance that I would, because I've done it at least two times before, but that's not a good thing.
I think it's fine to let people back in your life if they've shown you that they are capable of sustained change.
But I can't just go off of someone's words, it makes me think of the expression, why buy the cow when you can get, when you can get the milk for free? Which I know is not like really how that expression is used.
But at the same time, why actually change if you know someone like me will just take you back without actually seeing proof of any changes.
If they really wanted to change, they would've, and you'd feel it.
And it wouldn't have to be narrated or explained to me.
I'd just be able to see it with my own two eyes.
It would be action driven instead of word driven.
So yeah, I sit here today saying if my ex could prove that he can sustain sobriety long term, if he can prove that he can be responsible and self-sufficient and can do the things he doesn't wanna do when he has to do them, I probably take him back.
I'd give it another chance.
I'd be Lucy and see what comes of it.
Now, will that stay true? Six weeks from now, six months from now, a year from now? I don't know.
That's just how I feel today.
All of this to say this movie made me think a lot about deal breakers and non-negotiables.
I absolutely think there's a space to compromise some of what you want to be, some of what you want to be with someone you love, but you should know where that line is before you start talking to someone.
And more than anything, we have to be prepared to say no even to people that we think are sweet or hot or lovely or sensitive or filling a void from a past relationship that you didn't get from someone else.
The movies filled with characters who think they know they're deal breakers and think they understand what their non-negotiables are, but they're pretty superficial things to those characters, like how much money they make or how tall they are.
Are they fit, are they fat? But to me, deal breakers are deeper, they're emotional, they're psychological.
It's about feelings and practicalities to me.
So that brings us to my topic of the week.
So I've worked with therapists in the past and one of them had me work on two lists.
One is a list of deal breakers and one is a list of non-negotiables.
I wanted to talk about that for a few minutes because I think a lot of people use those terms interchangeably, but one of my therapists did not.
So I don't use 'em interchangeably.
I want to just like make that clear.
In my instance, deal breakers are negative qualities.
Basically red flags and non-negotiables are kind of the flip side of that, but not necessarily like a one-to-one.
But as positive qualities I'm looking for in someone, it's my list of must haves if you don't wanna use the term of non-negotiables.
But, so I guess it's kind of my green flags.
It's the checklist I have in my head.
It's.
But like I said, it's not necessarily like a one-to-one as to the deal breakers.
That sounds kind of weird to some people, but for me, just knowing one and not the other wasn't helpful in the heat of the moment, I have a hard time being like, I'm not looking for this quality, but I am looking for this.
And it helped me elaborate on why certain things are deal breakers and why I am, why I am prioritizing certain positive qualities.
So.
I thought I'd crack open my journal and I'm gonna read you my list that I created back in, I think 2001.
Spoiler alert, I didn't follow them, but in light of my recent breakup, I've decided to go back and revisit them and revamp them, which I'm gonna work on over the next couple of months.
So I haven't actually adjusted them yet, but I wanna talk about how things have evolved for me in the last four years or so, because I think these lists are always evolving after every relationship.
I think you should reevaluate and see where, like, see what you've learned and see if these things are still true or if there's a nuance that you need to factor in going forward.
Or maybe you just need to fine tune them a little bit.
And then just a point of clarity, I'm not dating, I have no interest in dating.
I the thought of getting on an app and having to ensure.
Having to endure.
I have no interest in dating.
The thought of getting on an app and having to endure mindless small talk again and have a conversation that's like pulling teeth, ugh, kill me.
I think all men are sort of gross right now.
I'm in that I wanna strangle all men kind of phase, so that's partly to do with my relationships, but also politically and socially.
Men are just like pissing me off right now.
So thank God I work from home.
Otherwise, if I had to interact with men in person right now, I might become the New Hampshire Strangler, like I'm that fed up.
But so, so I'm not going through this list because I'm trying to gear up for dating.
I'm just going through this list to wrap my head around where I went wrong, I guess, in my relationship and where I needed to set better boundaries and and things like that.
So I'm literally pulling up my journal.
So I'm gonna go through my list of deal breakers first, and I'm sorry if this is like, kind of a struggle.
I have really bad handwriting and this is actually handwritten, so, I might stumble on some of it a little bit because I've, I, I'm having a hard time reading some of it.
So my list of deal breakers, the first is not wanting kids or he's in his thirties and hasn't even thought about kids.
And what I wrote for that is I want kids.
I'm not sure on the exact timeline or how but I do want a family, preferably someone who's open to adoption or foster care because of my age.
And so I would think I was like 34 when I wrote this, right? Yeah.
Like 34.
And that the kids one is a hard one.
I'm surprised I'm not crying because every time we talk about kids, I do usually start to cry.
A couple of relationships ago, I was in my longest relationship and I thought me and him were on the track to have kids.
And I was putting a lot of focus into getting like financially stable and paying off debt and thinking about buying a house and all of that.
And then our relationship imploded.
We'll get into that in another episode.
But essentially after we broke up, he was nice enough to inform me that he was now dating an older woman, which was great for him because now he didn't have to worry about talking about having kids, which it sounded like he didn't want anymore, which was weird because at one point in our relationship, I was the one that didn't want kids and he really wanted kids.
And he was actually thrilled when my biological clock started ticking and I realized I didn't actually really want kids.
So, so kids are an important one.
Overly assumptive instead of asking.
So when someone makes assumptions, especially when it comes to when I'm thinking or feeling.
It just creates conflict later on.
So I think what I mean there is like, there are so many times where I'm in relationships and people just assume they know what I want, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.
And I hate when people like put words in my mouth and I'd rather they just be curious and ask questions instead of like assuming they know how I feel.
I think it just kind of goes to like communication as a kind of, I think what I'm getting from this is that was just sort of like a a type of communication.
The third one, lack, lack of accountability or self-reflection.
I want someone who is, you know, in the self-improvement mindset, someone who's always thinking about what they want in the future, and people who can take up accountability and grow.
The next one is poor hygiene, which is in all caps and underlined, very thickly, like four times.
Yeah, hygiene's an important one.
I think it's one that I never thought I would have to actually write down as like a deal breaker, but I am shocked, honestly at the number of men I've dated who have had really poor hygiene, just really poor hygiene.
I don't really know what that is about.
But it, it sucks.
It sucks when you're with someone who can't take care of themselves because I think it's just a slippery slope.
It.
When they, when they lower the bar for themselves, I think it's so easy for like you to start lowering the bar for yourself as well.
The next one is unreliable.
If they don't call when they say they're going to or break promises, it just sort of feels like another form of, it feels like another form of dishonesty and fosters a lack of trust and confidence in them.
I don't feel like a priority, and that one is still very relatable.
The next one is hesitant to open up, doesn't engage in conversation.
I'm fine if someone is slow to open up, but if the, but if I've divulged all these layers about myself and they're not.
Then it makes me wonder if they even like me.
And it makes me wonder how we're gonna grow together.
I mean, a lot so far, all of these are still like spot on.
I feel like the assumptive thinking one could be lumped into something else or whatever, but a lot of these are still very true.
Won't address issues in the present is the next one.
If he's feeling upset, I wanna know now.
So then I can correct it if I can.
I don't want to risk re Sorry, this one really got me.
I don't wanna risk resentment or blowups or, and letting feelings fester.
I don't, I don't want the guilt that comes from repeatedly doing something over and over again.
Only.
To be only to be told later that they hated it, but Okay.
I have to say the reason why that made me laugh so much was resentment has been a really big issue in my last couple of relationships, particularly because they're people with with some type of addiction issue, some type of substance abuse issue.
So, but what's interesting is I feel like I was writing that explanation of like, why I wanna address issues in the present and my feelings around resentment is almost like, I don't wanna risk.
Them resenting me.
That's how I wrote that.
Just so you guys are clear, it wasn't about, I don't wanna have resentments toward people, which I don't, but I think it's funny that in 2021 I was so concerned about, I don't want people to resent me for anything.
So I wanna make sure they're like telling me things upfront so that their feelings don't turn to resentments.
That they don't build up their feelings so that they don't blow up at me later.
Because that's like what one of my exes, my longest ex Blake did to me.
So I think it's interesting because now I'm in a, I'm that is all still true.
I feel like people should tell me what they feel and address issues in the present.
But my concern now more so is like, I wanna make sure I am speaking my mind earlier and I'm having firm boundaries so that I don't risk representing people because resentment has been a, a really big issue in subsequent relationships.
So that one's kind of, that like flip of perspective is kind of interesting.
The next one is showing lack of interest slash minimal affection.
Okay.
I wanna feel desired.
I wanna feel like he wants to be in this.
I wanna feel like there's no one else for him.
And it's interesting 'cause when I was with, I'm just gonna start using, I'm just gonna start using like, I'll call him b.
That's my 15 year relationship.
So when I was with B.
I, he never, I, I don't remember one time him saying I was beautiful.
It was always something about like, your makeup looks good, or That's a nice dress you have on.
It was never like me, my face, my eyes.
It wasn't about me being beautiful.
It was about like, oh, thank God you have all it.
It felt like, thank God you have all these other fixings on top of you, so you look presentable.
That's how it always felt to me.
Even though I'm sure he probably did think I was beautiful, but I, I was, I was always told like, oh, you look nice today.
You know, it was never like someone telling me I'm beautiful when I am waking up in the morning with morning breath and my hair's a skew and mascara, old MAs crusty mascara on my eyes, you know, when I was with my most recent ex d he really did make me feel beautiful for the most part, which he made me feel.
He did make me feel desired, even though sometimes I, I didn't, I knew deep down, he, he really loved me and he really desired me and he was attracted to me.
When I was with BI I, he never like held my hand in public.
He didn't.
And I know that part of that was that I felt uncomfortable in the beginning of our relationship doing that.
So it just sort of fizzled out.
But it was really nice when I was with someone who would hold my hand just walking three feet into the grocery store it was just, or always wanted to put his, hand on my thigh when we were driving or, or whatever.
It was just, it was, it was really, really nice.
The next one is oof.
This one's, this one's a doozy.
Emotional cruelty and violence.
Especially when angry is a deal breaker as it should be, as it should be.
I don't want someone who feels okay consistently hitting below the belt quote just to hurt me or freaking out, or punching walls or screaming at me.
I know it's selfish, but I can get defensive and angry.
I wanna work on those things, but I need someone who is going to help deescalate and not rev me up more.
So, be viva's.
Not like a, when I say violence, I remember he would punch holes in the wall One time he threw a water bottle past me and it hit the wall and made like a huge dent.
And we had to explain to our roommates like, what happened? And he made me make up some something stupid.
Like we were moving something and made a hole in the wall or whatever, that it didn't have anything to do with the fact that he threw something at me.
When we broke up, he had clearly been holding in a lot of stuff, like stuff since we had been together 15 years.
And he was clearly holding in stuff that was from like week one of us being together.
And he was just unloaded it all on me at once in like, basically like a an hour, two hour barrage of everything that makes me a garbage person.
And to the point where like I locked myself in the bathroom and he was still just like going at it from the door.
And I remember I did feel scared in that moment.
I didn't think he would actually like do anything to me, but it was scary to be like, I, I'm just, I, I'm trying to tell you like I've had enough of this conversation, like at least can we like pack it up for the night the next one is, doesn't pay his own way.
Obviously a deal breaker.
This goes into financial stability, but I don't expect a guy to pay for me all the time, so he shouldn't expect me to pay for him all the time.
That's insightful.
It would be really nice to be in a relationship for once where the guy is treating me at least at an equal pace or slightly more than how frequently I'm treating him.
Oh, that is a good one.
Oh, okay.
Oh, so this is actually, okay, so this is actually, Ugh, my god.
Okay, sorry, I just got ahead in my notebook.
So this was actually, I actually wrote this in 2020.
That's crazy.
I thought this was 2021.
This is actually 2020 when I just.
I'm looking at the days now.
It, it was 2020 a few weeks after me and b had broken up, so that's probably why so much of this seemed to have to do with him.
And it's crazy because then my next entry, this is wild.
The very next entry is about my second, the second big relationship in my life with a guy who I will call m and it's, it starts off, this is November 27th, 2020.
I've been talking to this guy m for a few weeks since November 11th, AKA late at night on BMI's anniversary.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow, wow.
Okay.
I say that, that's wow because m was someone who I probably broke a lot of my deal breakers for a lot of my non-negotiables.
So we will get into that a different day.
But, okay, so that was my list of deal breakers.
That was very interesting.
That was an interesting walk down memory lane.
And then, but, so I want to talk about the next thing I have is my list of must haves, my list of non-negotiables.
There's, there's only a few well, no, I take that back.
There's two pages.
So I'm gonna go through those.
So these are the things, these are like the green flags.
These are the things I need in a partner.
Honesty and transparency.
My threshold for lying or omitting is absolutely zero.
I'll come to find out later that that was not true.
I've learned that white lies mean the person is capable of bigger lies.
And dishonesty, I hints at a person's inability to communicate effectively or be emotionally vulnerable with me.
If I get lied to again, I won't be able to trust anything that person says.
Alright, like I said, I broke all of these for a lot of my relationships.
So, but we're gonna do better.
We're gonna do better this time around.
We're going, that's why we're visiting these.
We're looking them back over so we can be more conscious of them.
We can really think about them and we can do better.
So, onwards and upwards.
The next one is affection.
Parentheses.
Parentheses in all forms, touch, sex, words of affirmation, compliments, The next one is thoughtfulness.
I wanna feel like my partner's priority, that they're thinking about me, and if they're thinking about me, it makes me feel secure.
Ambition and drive, both in career and at home.
I don't care if they've achieved their dream yet or not, but I feel like they need to put the effort into trying to achieve them.
I want someone with ambition because it makes me feel like they're looking ahead and thinking about the future, which makes me feel more secure emotionally and in the relationship itself.
Oh, I have to say, there is a Post-it note in here that says M checks a lot of these boxes.
I think the only ones he doesn't check is financial stability, consistent communication, and his affection is lacking currently.
Girl, that's like half your list.
I just, I had to point that out.
The next one is emotionally available.
Someone who tells me what they're feeling and who makes me feel comfortable enough to tell them how I'm feeling, being able to be vulnerable themselves.
Autonomy.
Oof.
That, you know, that goes without saying.
I wanna be able to have the time to write.
When someone gives me space for autonomy and independence, it fosters a sense of trust and respect.
Financial stability, self-sufficient.
We just, I just spend a whole 40 minutes talking about why that matters to me.
I'm not gonna, we're done with that one.
The next one.
Open, frequent, deep conversation and consistent communication.
Supportive.
And the last one is emphasis on quality time.
All sorts of quality time, cuddling, watching TV is quality time to me just as much as a romantic dinner and night out.
So those were my lists.
Like I said, I'm the, my word of the week is value.
So I'm gonna be thinking about these a lot over the next few months, I'm sure I'm gonna be revisiting these and revising them, and I'm thinking about what are the things I've learned in my most recent relationships that I can do to update these.
So yeah, so let me know what you think about this.
Again, I'm so sorry that this one rant so long.
I really went on a real rant about materialists, but, thank you for joining me.
Let me know what you think and let me know you, what you're dealing with and what are your values and what are some of the things on your list.
Maybe there are things on your list that like, I just haven't had that point of clarity yet where that's something that I'm thinking about and maybe I should.
So yeah, find me on Instagram at Solitary Creature Pod and I hope to see you next week.
Alright, thanks.
Bye.