Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #924 Creating Family Traditions

Transcript

#924 Creating Family Traditions · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Every Friday on the Happy Families Podcast, we talk to
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: you about our personal lives, the stuff we're doing right,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: the stuff we're not doing the right, the things we're
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: challenged by, and the things where we're having wins with
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: our kids. It's called I'll do Better Tomorrow. The whole
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: idea is we want you to do better tomorrow. Is
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: we try to do better tomorrow ourselves. I reckon, I
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: reckon that today's I'll do Better Tomorrow is just such
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: a great way to start the year. We're actually starting
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: with a hack that somebody sent us. I don't know
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: who it was. The team sent it through. There was
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: no name on it. But you know how kids fight
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: over it's my tune, No, it's my turn, I want
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: to go first all how come he gets to choose
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: the music? How come she always gets to choose what
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: we're going to go? And do you know that sort
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: of I want to have a choice kind of thing.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: These parents have sent through a simpling argument solving first
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: DIBs hack that is second to none. I love it,
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: they said, our two kids when they were about six
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: and eight, used to argue who got first DIBs, who
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: picks a movie, who gets the last candy, etc. We
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: tried getting them to do rock, paper scissors or whatever
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: to figure it out, but always resulted in hurt feelings
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: and fighting, so we put in play the first choice token.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: We wrote first choice in sharpie on an old poker chip.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: The first choice token is held by one of the kids.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: If in any circumstance they don't want to compromise or
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: leave it to chance, they can play the first choice
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: token to basically get first DIBs. Once played, the token
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: goes to the other person. They can hold the first
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: choice token for as long as they want, but once played,
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: it's handed over. It solved so much fighting and has
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: made a fun game out of it. The first choice
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: token is usually only used if one of them really
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: really wants first DIBs. I read that and my eyes
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: lit up. What's your reaction?
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: I'm thinking, how do we do that with six kids?
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: That was my only thought. It's really easy.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: For two in our house. I actually think that first
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: token might just get lost.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that happens a lot in our house.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I think that it works though, you just start with
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: the oldest and go to the youngest. And the thing is,
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: we're down to three kids now, really, I mean our
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: third daughter's about to leave. She's going to be out
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: of the house in a couple of weeks time. We've
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: got eight weeks to go until she's taking off and
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: heading overseas. Are you counting well in an excited way?
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Not well, I'm excited on all levels anyway, First DIBs token,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: I really love that. Try it out. Let us know
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: what you think. Maybe it'll work for you and your
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: family as well, Kylie. Before we dive into I'll do
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: about it tomorrow. There is a news item that popped
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: up in my newsfeed recently that I do want to
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: share with you. This was reporting by Natasha Beata in
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: The Australian and she shared something that I think matters
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: so much, especially off the back of what we talked
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: about on yesterday's podcast, helping kids to be engaged in
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: school and feel like life is is good. Teenagers, she says,
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: are truanting and dropping out of school at record rates
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: as state and territory governments shortchanged the public schools struggling
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: with a growing number of disadvantaged students. One in four
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: high school students and half of all Indigenous teenagers are
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: failing to finish year twelve. One in three primary school
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: students and half of all high school students skipped a
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: month of classes last year, according to new data. So
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Productivity Commission data shows that barely half of the seventy
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: six and a half thousand students who dropped out of
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: school in twenty twenty two had found full time work
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: or enrolled in further study or training. A year later,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: in twenty twenty three, half the school dropouts were unemployed,
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: although were working or studying part time. Really scary stats
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: when it comes to what's happening with kids and being
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: engaged in school. I just felt like it was worth
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: highlighting that because it matters so much that we're helping
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: our kids to be engaged in school and to be
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: engaged in life. So that was just sort of a
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: bit of news that I wanted to bring into this conversation.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: Let's dive into old do Better tomorrow. I'm going to
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: kick it off because it kind of ties in with
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: everything we've just talked about, certainly engagement with life and
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: worrying about first DIBs. We've come up with a tradition
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: in our home. The tradition is that when the kids
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: turn sixteen, they get some special time with you and I,
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: just them and us. And late last year, one of
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: our kids turned sixteen. Because of family circumstances and some tragedy,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: we were not able to take her away on the
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: trip that we've been planning, and so I got postponed
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: until last weekend. But last weekend we were able to
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: do something really fun, really special with our fourth daughter Annie.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: We took her on a trip. And on these trips,
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: they get to select the destination so long as it's
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: within a few hours of home, and you don't have
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: to do it our way, by the way, but I
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: love this idea. We have lots of conversations with them anyway,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: but at this sixteenth birthday trip, we talk about finances,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: We talk about romantic interests and intimacy, We talk about education,
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: and we talk about values and spiritual stuff. We have
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: four big conversations over two or three days with a
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: kid who is kind of on the precipice of adulthood
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: only a couple of years ago, grade eleven. And so
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: my I'll do better it's moral, I guess, is maybe
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: giving a bit of inspiration for parents who are thinking,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: how do I really get quality time with my kids
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: and how do I have the conversations that matter? Our
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: kids know we're going away when you turn sixteen. You
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: get to select the location within reason, and we've got
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: to be able to afford it, and we're going to
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: have these big conversations about important things.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: What really stood out to me with this trip, having
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: now done it four times, is just the acknowledgment that
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: we have gotten better at having these conversations more with
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: our kids. First time round, we were kind of having
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: those conversations for the first time in any real depth,
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: whereas now sitting down with baby number four and having them,
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: she kind of looked at us and she was like, Okay,
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: we've talked about this, talked about this, I kind of
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: know it all.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: But we can't stop doing the trip because the little
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: kids have seen their big sisters get it, and they
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: all expect that they're going to go away when they're sixteen.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: So we still have the conversations and it's meaningful, and
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: more than anything, it helps the kids really feel I
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: guess like they've got our full and undivided attention for
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: the time that we're away.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: Well did she did she really feel that?
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: A few times she complained that she felt like she
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: was willing because we were on like an extended day.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: That is true. Actually, she did this one annoying thing
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: where we're walking along and we're holding hands, and she'd
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: keep on diving in between the tours, like splitting us
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: up and making sure that we couldn't hold hands so
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: that she could hold both our hands because she didn't
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: want to be a third wheel. That was That was
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: both beautiful and incredibly annoying.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: It kind of reminded me of the week before our
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: wedding and I had to kind of sneak out to
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: find you so we could have a kiss or a
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: cuddle because my mom didn't want that's just spent too
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: much time together.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: I really prefer it when our daughter is third willing,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: then when your mum is third willing. Anyway, So that's
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: one of my old A better tomorrow is just taking
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: the time to invest in your kids and show them
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: that they matter by doing something a little bit special,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: creating the tradition and also setting it up with a
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: level of ceremony. There are some conversations we're going to have.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: This is a coming of age kind of experience. All
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: of our kids, all four of them, have had that
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: experience now and just this morning before we stepped into
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: the studio to record this episode of the podcast, our
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: next daughter on the list, daughter number five, Lily. I
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: mean she's only thirteen. She's still got two and a
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: half years or so to go until she gets her
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: sixteenth birthday trip. And she said, Dad, I just can't wait.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: I cannot wait. I'm like kidding, You've got to wait
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: a while. She said, no, it's really really close. She
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: started counting down. That's what tradition does. That's what ceremony does.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: I think that is really valuable. What's your odd about
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: it tomorrow? For this week?
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: Mine actually is an experience that we had. So one
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: of the things that I love about this trip is
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: you take the girls on a date. This time, I
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: was the third world because I got to come along
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: and be a spectator to something that I think was
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: really profound.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: So all of our dates have been really different. I've
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: taken a daughter kayaking as part of that special weekend away.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Another daughter just wanted to go and have a special
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: dinner with me. This one. This was a little more
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: extreme in terms of being on a daddy daughter date.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: And you know what, it's so bizarre because this is
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: probably our quietest kid.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: And that's where my learning took place. So Annie decided
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: she wanted to go on the canyon swing.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: This is like a bungee jump, except just sets it
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: inside diving. Yeah, it's just sickening. Who does this?
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: And this kid, she's our most anxious. She is constantly
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: in her head with what ifs, and we didn't actually
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: tell who we'd booked it. She told us it was
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: what she wanted to do, but we didn't tell her
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: until the morning of that she was going to do it.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: And I could see her anxiety increasing as we got
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: closer and closer to it, and I thought, there is
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: no way this kid is going to do this. There
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: is literally no way. I felt physically ill the entire
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: time we were standing there waiting for everything to take place.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: So here's the context here. We're standing around about one
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: hundred one hundred and thirty meters above a canyon floor.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: The river is flowing underneath, and the idea is you
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: just sort of I don't know, Well, there's all sorts
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: of ways that you can leave the safety of the
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: thing that we're standing on. But it's a sixty meter
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: free fall, takes a little under three seconds of pure
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: freefall terror before the rope gently I mean very gently,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: extremely tame, in fact, swings you out into the middle
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: of the canyon and then swings you back and you
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: get winched back up to the platform from which you
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: had departed a minute earlier.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: And Annie decided she literally picked what would be con
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: it did the most scariest way of doing it.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: She jump running jump, She jumped running jump. I was
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: not prepared, so I didn't want to do this at all,
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: but since I was doing it, I chose what they
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: call the lucky dip. So there's this thing that you've
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: got to pull, Okay, like there's a lever that's holding
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: you connected to everything, and when you pull it, that's
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: when it releases you and you fall. But the lucky dip,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: they put three different levers up there that you can pull,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: and basically you just pull one and you're either still
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: hanging or you're suddenly falling. So that was my one,
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: and I happened to pull the correct one first, So
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: I just pulled and fell. But she's standing there and
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: she's got to take a running leap, a running leap
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: off a platform above a canyon, like one hundred and
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: something meet terrifying. There's no way I could have done
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: that one.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: And I could see. I was up on a viewing platform,
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: so I couldn't hear what was going on. I could
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: just see, and I could see the two workers on
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: either side of her. She was as far back on
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: the platform as you can be from the edge, and
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: I could see the two workers and they were bouncing
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: like they were trying to show her what she needed
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: to do to get that forward momentum ready and go.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: They were there for a while, but I could see
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: that she was smiling, and then all of a sudden,
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: she just jumped. She literally did a running jump and
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: went off the edge of a cliff. And I won't lie.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: I cried. I absolutely cried. I lost it in that moment.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: I was just so blown away with this kid, and
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: it just made me think of the times where possibly
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: I have a limiting belief of what they're capable of
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: doing because of whatever it is their fear, or their age,
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: or their previous experience with things, And in what ways
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: do I hinder their ability to live life to the
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: very best of their capacity because of my anxiety and
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: my concern. To see her do that was just or inspiring.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: I can't I can't put it into any other words.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: It was just amazing. And to see her come up
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: at the other end ready.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: To do it again, she begged to do it again.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not paying any more money. I have one very
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: important question about this story. Did you burst into tears
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: when I was falling off the platform. I was probably
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: more anxious to you to see you didn't cry for me.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I did not cried for our baby girl. Yes, okay,
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: I thought so. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: We really hope that we've given you some inspo for
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: some ideas that can help you to build better traditions
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: and relationships and live with more intention when it comes
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: to raising your kids and make your family happier. Thanks
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: so much for listening. If you haven't checked out the quest,
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: it's our brand new Happy Families membership. It is designed
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: to take you step by step, holding your hand as
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: you tread the treacherous path of family life and do
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: your best to help your family to flourish. We'd love
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: for you to check out the quest now at happy
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au. Have a great weekend. We'll
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: see you on Monday as we talk about whether or
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: not co ed schools or single sex schools are better
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: for kids.