Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E17 - Stop Fixing, Start Listening: A Game-Changing Approach to Your Child's Feelings

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S2E17 - Stop Fixing, Start Listening: A Game-Changing Approach to Your Child's Feelings · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm doctor Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, we are going to talk about
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  a concept that relates to the child-centered model.
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  We've gone through the pillars, we've gone through the,
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  through the practical application of the pillars.
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  And I want to start getting into some more nuanced type of teaching
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  so that you can really kind of dive into some of these skills and
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  figure out how to implement it consistently with your kids and your families.
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  So, one of the things that
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  we talk about a lot from the play therapy perspective, specifically,
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  the child-centered model
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  is that
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  children are so emotional
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  and they live in their emotions to such a degree
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  that it's hard for us to relate to them as adults
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  because we have the luxury of being rational,
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  we can intellectually process something,
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  we have the cognitive capacity
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  to analyze a situation and think about it
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  and reason
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  through whatever it is. And our rational thought influences our response.
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  Children have none of those qualities
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  or capabilities.
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  So sometimes we look at what a child is
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  reacting to or how they're reacting or
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  the depth of what they're feeling over something
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  and we just don't get it.
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  And so one of the concepts that we talk about a lot,
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  especially in the private parent coaching,
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  but also
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  just from the child-centered model,
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  we talk about sitting in the pocket of the child's feelings
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  and what that looks like is
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  we just
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  let the child feel what they feel
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  and we just sit with them
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  in that feeling
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  and it can be tricky because again,
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  we want to rationalize things and we want to reason our way out of things,
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  but kids can't do that.
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  So we meet them where they are, we sit in the pocket of the feeling
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  and that actually is very, very beneficial
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  in quite a few ways which we will talk about
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  as we dive into this a little bit more deeply,
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  the path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts now.
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  All right. So I'm hoping that you all are seeing where this is going here.
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  So if we're going to sit in the pocket of the feeling with our kids,
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  that obviously means we need to reflect their feeling.
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  So let's go back to the first pillar.
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  We're going to reflect the feeling that the child is experiencing
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  and the way that we do that most simply is you emotion optional qualifier.
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  So
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  you're really
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  disappointed.
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  You're so proud
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  we could also add qualifiers there.
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  You're really disappointed you didn't get an A on your test.
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  You're so proud that you got first place in the meet.
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  OK.
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  So you emotion optional qualifier.
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  As we do that,
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  we are helping the child feel heard.
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  We are understanding the child better
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  and we are helping them to develop an emotional vocabulary.
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  So lots of reasons for reflecting the child's feeling,
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  but here's what typically happens
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  because we are rational.
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  We tend to
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  even if we do reflect a feeling, which, hey, that's a start, right? I mean,
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  you should definitely feel proud if you
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  are reflecting feelings to your kids.
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  What we typically do though
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  is we follow up
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  the feeling, reflection
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  with a dismissal.
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  So we try to
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  redirect them,
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  we try to convince them not to feel that way.
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  We try to argue with them, even with good intentions,
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  we try to
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  minimize or dismiss
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  the
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  significance of what they're feeling
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  and what might some of those phrases look like?
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  This is really not a big deal
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  or
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  why are you crying about this
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  or
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  you're, you do too have friends. What do you mean?
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  You're friends with Sally and Susan and Kara and Jenny. And
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  so often
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  our children are expressing to us either
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  verbally or nonverbally
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  what they're going through emotionally.
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  And sometimes we miss the opportunity to
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  reflect their feeling altogether or if we do
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  reflect the feeling we follow it up with what is perceived as a dismissal.
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  And what that does
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  is it makes children feel misunderstood
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  and unheard
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  and frustrated.
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  But if we sit in the pocket of the feeling with them,
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  so child comes home and says
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  I have no friends.
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  Ok. We immediately want to jump to problem solving.
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  We immediately want to take the pain away.
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  We immediately want to do something about it.
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  None of those are the right things to do because they
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  all make the child feel that what they feel isn't valid
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  or that they can't just tell you something and
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  just trust that you're going to just listen.
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  So sitting in the pocket of the feeling
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  is saying
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  you're really lonely
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  and letting that be enough
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  because
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  you're really lonely. But how about we schedule a play date and then you could
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  that completely undermines and dismisses
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  the significance of the loneliness.
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  And I've had so many parents
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  say
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  I feel like I'm just rubbing salt in the wound.
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  I mean, I,
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  I feel terrible saying you're lonely and then just like letting that sit there,
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  it's like you're just making it worse by saying it out loud.
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  Do you,
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  do you really believe that by acknowledging what
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  your child has already communicated to you?
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  You're going to make the child feel worse.
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  Arguably, you're going to make the child feel heard.
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  You're going to make the child feel understood.
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  You're going to make the child feel that they get,
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  you get them.
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  So when we say you're really lonely
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  and then we sit
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  and we're quiet
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  and we're just in the pocket of that feeling with them. It's a miserable feeling.
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  You have to have a lot of internal fortitude and a lot of internal strength as a parent
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  to sit in the pocket of your child, sad and upset and defeated and
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  unhappy feelings.
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  It's not for the faint of heart. Let me tell you,
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  you're gonna have to stalwart yourself a little bit.
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  Why? Because
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  we're just going to sit and share the loneliness.
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  Maybe we put our arm around them, maybe we just sit shoulder to shoulder,
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  maybe we just look at them and wink,
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  but
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  we're just sitting there and we're just sharing the moment
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  we do that with happy feelings too.
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  It's just easier with happy feelings.
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  But
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  the point of why I'm bringing this up is because
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  when we don't solve the problem, when we don't distract them,
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  when we don't dismiss it,
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  when we don't express either explicitly or inadvertently,
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  no, you shouldn't feel how you feel. You should feel how I think you should feel
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  because that also comes up,
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  a child says something and we go well, if you would just do this instead,
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  then you wouldn't have to feel that way.
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  So feel what I want you to feel. Not how you actually feel.
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  But when we don't do any of those things,
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  this really incredible magical beautiful thing happens,
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  the child realizes
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  I really don't like this feeling
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  and no one's gonna rescue me from this.
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  No one's gonna fix this for me.
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  No one's gonna get me out of this
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  except me.
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  And guess what the child
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  will self regulate. The child will problem solve.
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  The child will figure out what to do
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  doesn't have to be your burden.
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  The child needs to have ownership and responsibility
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  for how they feel and what to do about it.
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  So the more we sit in the pocket,
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  it gives children space to realize that they need to figure this out.
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  I don't want to feel lonely. So what should I do?
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  Maybe I need to call my friend.
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  Maybe I need to talk to people at school.
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  Maybe I need to join gymnastics and I'll make friends there.
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  Maybe I need to go to youth group and hang out with some people there.
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  All of a sudden your child
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  is figuring this out
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  and working on their emotions in their way and in their time
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  that is so hugely significant
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  for the now and the later.
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  So this is why we sit in the pocket of our kids feelings even though it is tricky,
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  even though it is difficult, obviously with happy feelings, it's easier,
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  but especially with the negative ones,
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  it requires us to really be ok
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  with
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  the yuck of what our kids go through
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  and remember they are exclusively emotional.
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  So they have a lot of big feelings
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  and often we want to minimize those.
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  Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Easy. OK.
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  Yeah, you, you don't, you don't need to be that excited
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  but they are that excited.
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  So we sit in the pocket with them.
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  Ok? You don't really need to be this upset about this, that this, I mean,
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  yeah, that wasn't nice but like you're gonna be fine.
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  We sit in the pocket of it with them
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  and then they learn what they need to do to sort all of it out.
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  I hope that you find that helpful. That's your challenge. This week.
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  Next time your child is emoting and expressing something
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  and you would normally have your standard response,
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  reflect the feeling and just sit and wait
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  and I would love to hear how it goes. So whether it's a
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  colossal failure or a colossal success,
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  I'd love to hear from you, brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  Shoot me an email and ask me questions. Give me updates. Tell me your stories.
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  I'd love to hear. Thank you all for the questions that have been coming in.
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  I'm gonna be able to answer quite a few questions in the next few weeks.
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  So I appreciate you all shooting me
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  your parenting dilemmas and your parenting struggles.
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  And I will work through those as soon as I can and
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  we'll try to get a question answered each week along the way.
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  So I'm grateful for each, every one of you.
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  Thank you for your commitment to your kids,
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  how much you love your kids and how you're constantly
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  trying to be the best parents that you can be.
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  Hope that you feel encouraged. We'll talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.