Latest / Relatively Functional Dads / Episode 010 - How Having Kids Changes Your Marriage
Transcript
- Audio: one of the most difficult things when you become a dad is not just the change in routine. It's not just the change in your sleep schedule. honestly it's the change to your marriage. And that's what we're gonna dive into today is some things that maybe we expected, some things that were unexpected, things that we've really learned to appreciate about our wives as they've stepped into motherhood, how to help support them. And then also things we didn't see coming that Reese and I are still in process that we're still figuring out. So A lot of great stories ahead of us today. a lot of honest discussion as we're in process. I'm coming up on my tenth year of marriage and still, Lord willing, many decades to still grow and learn. So if you're a dad in the trenches and you're married or you're baby mama and you are in a serious relationship and you're trying to grow in a way to invest in that relationship, stay tuned. We got a lot of really good stuff ahead for you. The Boys And Audio: Hey, welcome to the Relatively Functional Dads podcast for fathers doing their best and learning every day. We're just three relatives walking through faith, fatherhood, and real life together. That was me. No experts here, just honest conversations about the wins, the struggles, and the moments that shape us as men and dads. Some days we've got it together, other days we're just trying to get to bedtime, but we keep showing up. And if you're dad... In the middle of it too, you're in the right place. Let's journey through this together. Audio: Reese, you have a one year old dude. I do. I have a one year old son. They said it couldn't be done. I literally texted you and Ellie, Congratulations for making it a year. Thank you. I appreciate that. I needed that. yeah, lot lotta doubters in the central to Midwest Ohio region. they will not be eating cupcakes at his birthday party this weekend. Yeah. A lot of clown noses are gonna need to be put on. Exactly. A lot a lot of apologies need to be made. And now they're they're just shifting their their bets to you won't make it two. Yes, that's right. No balls, you won't. Today was pretty rough. So I mean there's a there's a good chance. The second year is the terrible ones. That's hilarious. Awful ones. but seriously, man, that's pretty cool. Was that I know the parties this weekend, but him turning one a couple of days ago, how's that how's that hit you? I was I I mean, I was super grateful. yeah, I just kinda w woke up and was like, I can't believe it's been a year. all the annoying but true cliche statements of like What is it? the days are long. Yeah. The years are short. I literally said that on a sales call today, just in small talk with the client. I get so annoyed with the cliches, but I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's true. It's so weird. Cause yeah, the first year went by so fast. I mean, heck, we've lived with Ellie's parents. Thank you, Mike and Louise. huge blessing. But we've lived with them, we've moved in a just Abominable snowstorm. I had to back a 28-foot U-Haul out of a super long driveway. just to get us into our current home. So lots of crazy things this year that should have made it feel really long, but it has felt super short. But damn it, it's good it's been good stuff. I feel super blessed to have a one year old. Ellie and I both felt super blessed. We had a super fun day with him. last two weeks he has we've taught him more for food and stuff like that. Which has been super cool, up until the past two weeks where now he feels like he has the right to food. anytime he sees it he just wants anytime he sees it, he just screams bloody murder super loud. Sometimes it's hilarious unless I'm already overwhelmed and then I'm like please stop this. Yep. I I can't do this anymore. Yep. You're gonna have to take care of yourself. figure it out, kid. You're one you're one now. thinks he has the right to food and much like he thinks he has the right to food, one thing that our listeners have the right to do is subscribe, leave a review, send us a question, follow us on Instagram. yeah. Any topic ideas? We're we're open to all sorts of different things. But yeah, you wanna lead us off with a question? I do a question from last week, I do, a good question. Again, we love these. we don't talk about all of them that come on, but this was a phenomenal question. so yeah, keep coming. Email, Instagram, DM, YouTube comment. This one's a YouTube comment from Liz. Shout out Liz. Female female listeners are strong. We're over a thousand streams, y'all. Humble beginnings. Okay. Golf clap. Praise God. Golf clap. dads and moms have different fears. So again, this is from Liz on YouTube. It's presumptuous. Yeah. I think I would agree with that though. I would. Yes. Dads and moms, they have different fears when it comes to their children. What fears have you had as a parent and how has God helped you through them? Phenomenal question. Been chewing on that one. That came in a couple weeks ago. So you want to start? Yeah, I that I had like took one came at this from a couple of different ways, but one of them would be that I would become boring. I had the same fear when I got married and had to deal with bills and taxes and things like that. so one of my biggest fears about being a parent is that. I will have so many responsibilities that I will become boring and bland and not not do crazy things. I've never thought about that. Yeah. Because I kind of felt like I was already kind of boring to start with. But you got a lot more to lose, I honestly. I think you're amazing. Thank you. You do have a lot more to lose though. You're a lot more fun. I don't know about that. You are. That's so interesting. I never would have thought that. I would say that's one thing. The other thing would be Between my personality and my marriage, that they would lose the aspects that I love about them. Sure. So again, boring would be me losing the parts of myself that I love because I think that I am a good time individual. those same people that doubt me in central to mid mid midwest Ohio, would s probably say the same thing for that exact reason. good time Reese. And your name is Reese and you like to party. Yes, my name is Reese and I like to party. But like in the corner, because I don't like crowds. Well, yeah, but just two or three. By party, I mean like an in-depth conversation or com competition among six six to eight from games. but yeah, I would say those things and then that my marriage, we would get so consumed with parenting, responsibilities, mortgage, yada yada yada that we wouldn't be Ellie and I wouldn't be tight knit. We wouldn't have fun together anymore. so those my two biggest fears. Yeah. I guess Roman dying. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it's a that's a good transition for mine. I mean it obviously we'll get a close third. Close third right behind your marriage. So we're gonna dive into marriage. We're gonna dive in yeah, because especially when you have a good time when you're married your first few years and you're like, Man, I don't wanna lose this. This has been special. my number one is safety. And I just put water. Like I'm terrified of water with my kids right now. And I don't know if that's a unique thing from mom versus dads, but I do know whenever call back to when Morgan was on the podcast and she was Talking about some of the things that mom struggled with versus dad, she was like, Hey, like my husband, Cole, one of my best friends, like his whole thing is like protection and safety. You know, whether it's like locking doors at night or like heights. I don't really struggle with heights like at the park, 'cause that's not like a height that's like gonna end you up in the ER for most of the time. A lot of these like w but when it's like ER or worse, that's when I get like a little over paranoid. but yeah, water right now, man, like I'm real big on just protection and safety. We have a neighborhood pool and we're like, we don't we don't go unless there's multiple adults watching our kids, even even with 'cause they don't know how to swim yet. And we were supposed to get that done this winter and we did not. the other one's financial provision. so I guess the second part of the question we haven't really touched on is like how has God helped you through them, those fears. Obviously, like safety and provision is these are not my kids. they're God's kids first. And just surrendering that over and obviously like he's given me some intuition and awareness to help protect them. But that can that can go sideways real quick. It can become fear instead of like awareness. And then the financial pro provision is you just look back at his faithfulness. So Madeline's we're blessed for her to stay at home. We're financially provided, but that puts a little bit of pressure on yourself if you're not careful. And obviously as the man of the household, like whether you make I'm not saying you have to make the most money if your spouse works, but there is kind of that burden I feel like to to financially provide. steward, be aware of your finances, things like that. So sometimes I get a little more antsy whenever we start spending more money. Even though my wife's actually a little bit more cautious about spending, I I just get she she's just she's just not be spending 'cause that's like something she was taught as a kid, I think. Mine's more of like a kind of a deep rooted fear of when money gets tight. So anyways, but again, just looking back at God's provision helps me overcome that. That's why we were great on this podcast. We don't have any of the same fears. Dude, peanut butter peanut butter and jelly, man. Different but compliment So great question. I would I'd be genuinely curious, Liz, if if yours are like way different or if you're just like Reese. You know what? We shared the safety thing. Yeah. I do. We did. I I live next to a pond. we are terrified once he starts walking about that pond. So yeah. Yep. Yep, yep. Just a thing. Hey, so let's transition. yeah, we got two new two new segments. We got a new segment. We have one new segment, two segments to cover. new one called Dad Decisions. Otherwise known as bad decisions. But today it's gonna be dad decisions. So I got one for you. It's very similar to Would You Rather? So It's Would You Rat. Please don't sue sue us. Would you rather Dad Decisions answer why? Like your kids asking you why you're reasoning behind something a hundred times per day, or listen to, hey, watch this. When they're about to do something, a hundred times per day. Which one of those sounds more appealing to you? Or which one sounds awful enough to pick the other one? That's that's the ultr yeah, that's that's how I'm judging this. You texted this to me a few hours ago and I was like, This is so my life right now. And I'm literally gonna count how many times Grayson hits me with both of these. Is Grayson in the in the why right now? Yeah, b big time. Mason is the like i you can't see my face, but like if you cock your lip up and just Kind of this really annoying fashion. He goes, Why the drawn out, dude. All the time. It's not the genuine, like, interesting, to be more why. It's the you you sent that in our in our group chat, and I I was hoping that we wouldn't all answer the same thing. I think that we're different enough that we might have some differences. I haven't gotten the the hey watch this all that much. Okay. So that's what I would choose, but then Does Grayson do both of those? Yeah. The only reason why Grayson does both is because Naomi is in the hey watch this phase. So then Grayson hears that and then so they're like, Hey, watch this and this to each other. But half the time they don't have something, it's just they want the attention. So it's actually freaking hilarious 'cause you're like you give them the attention, they're like, crap, I don't have anything to So I got nothing. Whoopa does they just do something ridiculous. Yes. And the other person has actually something, and you're like, Are you serious? You took that attention away and I was trying to show you like an actual cool like dance move that I learned and so mine's definitely I I would much rather them the hey watch this. Although it was I mean, we were he's learning his balance bike, he's getting pretty good at it this this evening we're doing it. And there was any time I was not watching him do it, hey watch this, hey you watch this. The the why, we make them say if they say why, you have to say, Yes, daddy. Like we don't just ask questions. So what they do is they hit us with a yes daddy, why? You know, so like technically technically they do. Like if you tell to do something, they say yes first. But we're living in the world. Well, you don't have the aneurysm of like, how dare you chal challenge me? It's just like the okay, you already agreed. Yeah. Now you're just asking for an explanation. It's helpful. I'm also just worn down and used to it at this point. So but that's a phenomenal question. For sure, my answer would be watch this because sometimes it's actually hilarious. Okay. The the skirting around the why that we have to do is or that we have chosen to do is we go to tell Mason's like We need you to ask that question again differently. Also, like we it's it has happened so much in the last three weeks that it's now gotten to if he if he winds his why out and then we don't respond quickly enough, he goes, No, no, no, no. You say, How do you ask it differently? And then he will ask the question. And it's like it's the asking, like, not just why, it's Why do we need to go to the park tonight? And like for whatever reason that switches some of his whininess and it it kinda backs it off a little bit. That's hilarious. Just self correct. Yeah. Yeah. It's smart. But the Jesus like question for a question, I hit him with a why do you think about half the time. It's pretty funny. Grace is not really old enough, but Naomi Naomi actually like kinda either just not ask or give up or give you an answer. And anyways. Did you answer? What do you think? Sorry. No, you're fine. this is meant for all of us. Obviously my one year old is not well maybe it's not obvious. My one year old can't talk yet. I don't know if there's a lot of twelve month one one year olds that are talking, but my he's more of a physical prodigy than the unit. yes. but either way, he's not doing either of these right now. So it's gonna be a little a little different for me, but I think I would rather answer why a hundred times per day, because I really don't mind telling my kid that it's because I'm about to have a conniption. If you don't stop whatever it is, or if you don't do this differently. That is gonna be certain that that's not the correct way to go about it, and I will find out find that out here several months from now. But yeah, I don't know. I'm sure that I will get exhausted of explaining myself, but I also feel like I'm typically the type of person who if I'm gonna ask somebody to stop doing something, which again, somebody is different than a Toddler. Sure. somebody can reason. Toddlers don't I can't always do that. But I d I don't I typically won't ask someone to do something unless I've got a reason why. I guess I'll just have to figure out what it's like explaining to a little kid why I'm asking. It's hilarious 'cause like they can't really understand. Naomi's old enough now she can. So like Sometimes I'll just kind of be sarcastic or say something that doesn't make sense to Grayson. But at this point, Naomi knows I'm being disrespectful. So I actually have to give her a reason. So that makes sense. But enjoy the first few years, couple years of it. And the other reason is that the watch this. This is probably like the part of myself that I don't feel great about, but kids are so annoying to me. but sorry, maybe not annoying. Th I man. When a little kid asks me to play with them and it's something that is just so boring to me, I'm like, Yes, but I'm really not pumped about it. You need to have an Andy from the office because we were watching that whenever Ron starts dating a girl with two young girls, and he just keeps Andy around and she plays with them. Yes, that is exactly what I need. so the watch this thing. I think I would probably ni maybe just need to experience it a little bit more. But normally when a kid asks me to watch this, it's interrupting the thing that I'm doing very selfishly and enjoying on my own, and then I have to take time to be like for them to go or do a little kick or a little spin. They're home. I'm like, thanks for wasting my time, you little three year old. funny. Not out loud, because that would be mean. No. But in my head and then confessing that later. Did I say Andy on the office? I meant Parks and Rec. Parks and Rec, yeah. For the record. Yeah. Parks and rec. Marks and rack. My brain. It's nine o'clock. It's been a long day. Been up early. Okay. But that makes total sense to me. I think it's hilarious. You think it's annoying? It's fine. Yep. We'll we'll see. We're different. We'll we'll find out. We'll find out. So okay. That's good though. I like that segment. Yeah. Hey, we still got one more. Dad decision. Yeah, we got we got one more. Would you rather always have the right answer or always have the right attitude? So let's let's Well that's a serious one. That's a good one. So that's why I I did one fun one, one one serious. That's good. So we could hit both. But Let's keep it within the context of I guess parenting. Like always have the right answer. Yeah. In your f household, family dynamics. Or always have the right attitude. Ooh. It's kind of a IQ EQ type. Yes. You wanna go first now? No. No, I mostly because I don't like my answer. My answer really wants to be I wanna always have the right answer because like For for my kid to ask why and me to be able to give a comprehensive answer of this is why socioonomic issues are the way that they are, from like that to like this is how an engine works or how a sure like how things function. I would love to do that. But far more often that doesn't matter. Yeah, it's true. The words that come out of my mouth don't matter. He just wants to hear me say something and and be engaging with him. Yeah. And so while my desire to have obscene amounts of useless information just abounds, more often than not I find myself having potentially a right answer and missing the boat either in the way that my s child asks or Jordan asks. Okay. And the idea of having the right attitude at all points in time, regardless of who's asking it or regardless of how many children are screaming. Yeah. And still being able to have a good attitude. That probably is the way I I would choose to be. See, I'm gonna go the opposite for the exact same reason, but I got a different conclusion. So when I'm being pulled three or four different places by my wife needs something and my three kids, which isn't often, I want to know what's the right answer of how I should spend my time. So less about I know you're real big on like learning. I I don't need to know the GDP of Japan. Like I I don't care. I need to know what's the right thing for me to be doing in this moment when it feels like a like a no win situation. I can work on my attitude. I can't like without someone gifting me that type of wisdom, I don't I just don't know how I would know the correct answer a majority of the time. So yeah, I spend a lot of time thinking about what to do and it's takes a lot of my energy. So if I just knew and could act on it, I think I could I think I could work on that attitude. So I'm gonna go that. I'm gonna go that route. That's a cool way thinking about it. I had not thought about it that way. I'm going attitude. I think that you're used to not knowing what to do. So I'm used to I and I'm used to not thinking about it or worrying about it either. start. We just sho shoot from the hip and rot and roll with the Ellie's like, Why? What is this? And roll with the outcomes. Yeah. thank you for that. A good a good welcome back to the pod. Welcome back, Reese. Welcome back, buddy. but yeah, I think the attitude thing I'm just thinking about if I if I always have the right answer, I don't know I don't know how much I'm that's like a model that my kids can follow. But if I always have the right attitude, I think that that it'll pick up on them. But I I think either one of these you could I had not thought of that angle. I I like that. Almost like r right answer being the discernment to pick what right what route to go. But obviously you could know all the right answers and be a jerk and that was actually something I thought about earlier today. I'm like I've met plenty of people who have have the answer to things, but they go about it whole the wrong way. but Yeah, I think attitude for me, it just it'll it'll model to my kids when they see me in a situation that should be making me un irrationally angry or overwhelmed and they watch me choose to be at least externally calm and peaceful. I had a very wise older father tell me last week I had coffee with him. Dude's got eight, nine kids. I forget. a lot of kids. He said you can either be right or you can have the relationship as they get older. Obviously when they're little, like, no, you're right. Like kids need to listen to you. But as they get older, it's like, man, you might have all the answers, but how you show up matters for the relationship more than anything. So I think that's good there. Cool. Good stuff. I like that. That's good. Yeah. That's that's yeah, we may thought provoking though. Maybe a keeper. and then as per usual, we have should have known better. Yeah. Anybody want to lead? Well, before we hop into that, I just had a little tangent that was going through my head. you'd mentioned like you don't necessarily know the right answer and unless someone gives you that. The first thing that I thought of was Solomon asking for wisdom. And we often I don't know if you all do this, but like we either read scripture or we hear a story and we're like it's told over and over again, so you just kinda accept it. And so like, Solomon asked for wisdom. I went back not too long ago and read the actual prayer that he has and he It doesn't say like, Lord give me wisdom. He goes, I help me f learn how to govern your people well and to discern good from evil. Yeah. And I good from evil, that's good. And I was struck by that of like we we're not necessarily we don't have a kingdom that we are governing, but we are helping lead our households. Yeah. And so the the prayer of I need to figure out how to how to lead well and I don't know how to lead well and then also the I need to figure out what is what is good and what is evil for My family. I was just like, It's freaking good, dude. That that'll that's super come come in. So yeah, you were just thinking about if someone I need someone to give it to me. I'm Yeah, that's that's prayer. I heard from Chris Christopherson, strongest name I've ever heard. That's why I'll never forget it. Chris Christofferson, you're either helping promote the kingdom of God or the kingdom of darkness. There's no in between. So help me discern from good or evil. You know, there's only two choices within your household. I was like crap, now I'm like terrified about everything I do. But I don't know if I've heard that quote. I've heard there's no neutral in in like the spiritual n spiritual kingdom of God. You're building someone's kingdom, man. Yeah. One of the two. That's good. That's a good that's a good prayer. you're you're fine. Worth the while. Okay, well we haven't had many potty stories in the last few months, so I got one. There's been no talk about feces or urine on this podcast. It's been disappointing. cervixes. Stingray Rob's wife was telling telling me how much Stingray enjoys our poopy and pee-pee story, so we'll keep it rolling. Classic. we were driving back from the fireworks on July third out in Whitestown and we weren't gonna stay for the fireworks, but we stayed till almost nine. It was hot, but kids were eating ice cream, ripping lemonade, having a good time. And probably stayed a little too long. I was tired. I was gassed, but we had a blast, brought some ice packs and fans for the for Karas. She was a champ. We had a heck of a time. and we're driving back, it's an eight minute drive. We get three minutes in. Daddy, I need a pee pee. Grayson's been potty training for three or four months. He's pretty good, but when he's got a pee, usually you have five minutes or less. So Madeline goes, Hey, Main Street's right there, which is the park about four minutes from our house. It was like a minute down the road. There's a there's a bathroom. Why don't we stop and and he can go? Which means why don't we stop and you can take him to go? I was going to do then Naomi goes, Well, I gotta pee. And I was like, Well, I know she can wait five minutes 'cause again, she'll be five next month. Yeah. And so I said, Hey buddy, can you hold it? And he didn't really give me an answer. So I was like, We're gonna take that as a yes because I was just too tired to get both those kids out in those super hot pot public bathrooms. So yeah. They're real hot. And gosh, they're so hot. And so we just gonna roll that dice and Sure enough, we pull into the neighborhood about three minutes later, and he's like, I'm peeing. I was like, hold it, buddy. And he's like, No. And it was just sad. That's my nephew. Yeah, my dog. So it was one of the you can't be mad. That was on me. I should have known better. And mostly because as soon as your wife says we should do something and you go the opposite, 110% your fault. So shout out to her. She cleaned, she cleaned the car seat. Cause I mean, it was a puddle, dude. It was a lake. And I stripped him naked and gave him gave him a bath and so we kind of split the blame even though it was it was probably ninety ten on me. And yeah, so should have known better. It's hard to know because sometimes you do have a half hour. She told me that. She's like 'cause she drives in the car a lot more with him. but we did not. Missed it by two minutes reason. Half hour of work for two minutes. How you gonna get better if you don't make these mistakes? I'm telling you, dude. I'm telling ya. So learn from our pain. Go into the hot bathroom. Yeah, with your kid. It's worth it. Yeah. But I do it for the pod, so yeah, that's right. You knew that you'd have a story. geez. Mm. Y'all smell that those cupcakes she's baking? Yeah, I'm so excited. Madeline's making like a ton of cupcakes for Roman's birthday party. Yeah, for my son's one year old birthday party this weekend. So Epic. Excited about that. Noah you or me. Or you actually you don't do this one, do you? Okay. You all you all be able to relate to this one. we basically Ellie and I got back from what seems like a million trips from Memorial Day weekend all the way up to end of June, and then we said yes to like five social engagements, both in the family and out of the family within the same week when it was ninety plus degrees almost every day. The hottest week of the year for sure. and then we kept our son out way later than his bedtime, like two or three out of those five nights. and I about had a conniption and had an existential crisis where it took me a full year, but I was like, My life is different now. Wow. It hit me. It hit me. It took the full year. All it took was me playing spike ball and being told it was time to go because our son was about to freak out for me to be like, my gosh. Y'all stay pretty late. It's over. The the Reese that I knew and the life that I knew is gone. It's never coming back. Yes. And I grabbed myself. Sadness. Yeah. The sadness on your face when you came in. You were coming in for a water break and you were so excited to go back out. And you couldn't. Like just to watch him, like he was he was just like he's like, I'm gonna check up on Ellie, really hoping she doesn't say anything so I can go right back outside. Okay, bye. And it did not work. My incredible wife has watched this kid all day. G or sorry, w like gotten him to Child care in the morning, gone to work, taking care of him after work. for me to show up at like 6 30, 7 p.m. to this family gathering. And then she looks me in the eyes and says, I want you to go have fun. Go play spike ball with the guys for for however long. Let's me go play for two, two and a half hours, and I have the audacity when she says it's time to go to say, Well, we drove separate. Do you just want to take take on so either way, that was unkind. Should have known better. and again, that was what started the In all seriousness, I that's out of character for you. Like that that is that is not something you normally so I know like and you we've talked about this a little bit since then. That was a hard night. Like that was. Yeah. And you know, I don't remember where I heard this story. It might have been it might have been in the Chronicles of Narnia or something like that, but they're or honestly Nat Geo Wild, who knows? The monkeys that grab something out of like the bottles. yeah. And they can reach in, but once they grab it, their fist is too big to come out of the bottle. Like a crab trap. But they're so greedy. they won't let go of it. They won't let go of it. Sure. That was me that night with Spike Ball. I was like And you're heavy everyone over the head with the bottle stuck on you. Listen. Pitching a fit. Listen, my boy Peter and I were putting up a I don't know. Ten O run or something like that. Yeah. Just I mean the one two. And I was not ready for it to end. So I I won't go into details about that. we've had some conversations about the amount that I share on the podcast. But but we're talking about marriage. Yeah, and buddy hits me with we're gonna talk about relationships and marriage for this next episode. And I'm like, I just we I can't. Yes, but either way, that was my should known better. It was it was a great evening. Everybody that I did have social engagement w engagements with that week, I love you. It was a great time. I'm exhausted. And just needed a little sleep and for it not to be a hundred degrees outside. I think I saw Noah like six out of eight days. Yes. And that's way too much no much Noah. I'd see him, I'm like, I don't have anything to say. Like I'm really glad to see you, but I texted y'all today. I was like, It was really nice not to see y'all for a few days. Yes. So I could miss you. Yes. And I've been pumped for this tonight. Yeah. So I mean, there's only so many how's your day to days that I can deal with that I'm like, shut up. It's the same. So sick of seeing you. I slept six hours. I'm tired. It's worse. It's worse. That's funny. Hey, well, speaking of talking about marriage and, you know, maybe needing a little help because it could be difficult to talk about on the pod. Let me set you up with a layup, bro. Let me give you let me give you an alley ooh. I all the help I can get. Let's start this off in a in a helpful way for our our relationships. So a marriage chang like marriage changes when you have kids. And some some listeners have been married twenty five years and you've been through the ups and downs. Some of y'all been married a couple of years and you're six months into this fatherhood journey and you're like, Where the freak did my wife go? quite literally, not like she's changed. I mean, she has probably changed some. We do change as we get older and and parenthood changes us. And we're gonna get into that. How do we how do we support our wives as as they change? Their needs change, their desires change, who they are, their identity. but let's start with the good, man. because stuff has changed since we've been married, but there's there's a lot that we've probably learned to have a deeper respect or a deeper love for our wives. So let me give you a softball, man. I'll throw it up to you for you to dunk at home. Yeah, what have what have you really loved as you've seen Ellie step into motherhood and how has becoming parents together just really changed your marriage in a positive way? Yeah, I mean there's not enough room on underneath the we didn't we didn't keep the lines far enough between the notes. But yeah, man, the first year has been super cool to watch Ellie be a mom, all the way from delivery. I mean, she just she kicked butt in in the delivery room forty five minutes just getting after it. New new babies here. Yeah. All the way up to breastfeeding him for up until Tuesday this week. So full full year of breastfeeding. Y'all done? You made it? I mean, I didn't do anything, but she She made it? Yeah, she made it. Let's go. Full first year. That's Which I know that's not always an option for people. So I don't mean if you don't get there, that that's But the tenacity to make it a year, man. It's a bit she made it a year of breastfeeding and I just one of my biggest struggles is having my my time and my my preference of like what I would like to be doing in that moment messed with. so to watch her at least anywhere from one to four well I guess those first few months it was way more than that. Walking one to s one to six, seven times a day. Yeah. Watch her just drop whatever she's doing to go to go feed him. I mean that's a level of discipline and willingness that I I would struggle to throw a pumping in there and all that, man. Yeah. But like I unload the dishwasher every now and again. So let's not let's not forget about my contribution. Was this a question about how great my wash was? Off track. A D D. Between that and I mean We didn't have the well, I mean, I guess you could argue that we had the option, depending on the quality of living that we wanted to have, but we didn't really have the option for her to not work. So, I mean, she's just one of the most tenacious and gritty people I've ever met. She there's really like no quit. There's no like I'm too tired for this. That's a classic thing that I would that I struggle with. Essentially, like my capacity eventually hits its limit and I'm kinda done. And I know that everybody has that and she has that, but I haven't seen it. I haven't I haven't seen her hit the end. she works full time, and we've been blessed by tons of people. your wife, Madeline, that's watched Roman on Days, Ellie's mom, her aunt, my mom drives over from Cincinnati. So we've had people come and help us with child care over the course of this year. That's been super helpful. But Ellie has Taken him, dropped him off at child care, gone to work for the full day, picked him up, come home all the while. She's got a breastfeed and pump throughout all of those things for the entire year. So again, just I don't know. An amount of commitment that I can't even fathom. I I go to work, I don't have to think about the stuff. and I I don't ever want it th to be the type of thing where it's like dads don't do enough. I think that's like the stereotypical narrative. but some bull. It which is some bowl, we don't even have the opportunity to do those types of things. It's very different. But either way, she kicked butt. I've got a few other things on here, but I mean, becoming homeowners, I mean, she's out there tilling up the yard. what a dog. Six months postpartum. just out there getting after it. I send pictures of my family of saying, just my amazing husband out here, just in her overalls, just tilling up the yard. so She's she's a ma she's an amazing person. I don't know how she does it all. and then has enough to make time for me and my goofy self at the end of the day, 'cause you know, I'm when I go home from work it's like let's get let's get the stuff done and then let's just hang out. Yeah, let's get goofy. So, yeah, she's incredible. I don't th I don't even know if that answered the question, but my wife's amazing. what about you all? Yeah. Or you specifically. Well, I mean whenever you see your your wife just step up, you know She will and she's capable, but you the your level of respect just with the the amount of responsibility that she can carry is it's very attractive. I mean it is. Yeah. I I work from home most days, but I didn't always in my previous job. but when I go into work, my office is almost an hour away. And when I tell you I don't worry about my kids, I worry about my wife and how my kids are treating my wife sometimes, but and But I I never worry not only about their safety or provision, but I know they're gonna be having fun. I know they're gonna feel loved. They're probably gonna learn something 'cause they're going to the library or they're doing some craft or spending time with meaningful relationships. So like our kids are spoiled. They just be waking up saying, like, what we wanna do today? I'm like, just assuming. Bro, it's a Tuesday. What do you think? We're probably going to the zoo 'cause like she just she'll go out to the zoo with two now three kids and So yeah, I I never worry about if my kids are okay. and yeah, that's that's just such a blessing because as the responsibilities grow, her capacity has grown. which is which is great, which is beautiful. Like I mean she has her limitations, we all do. she knows how to ask for help and we'll talk about that. That'll be a part of like in marriage what's needed and and raising kids together, but yeah, seeing her capacity grow. it's been really special. I think she's been really just there's a beauty all three pregnancies for my wife. So that's like a way that like it's deep in my love for her is just that bond of not only, you know, I just think there's a beauty to her when she's she's pregnant, but her desire to be pregnant, her willing her willingness, not only but desire. Like she's like I like I'm gonna miss being pregnant. I'm like, You don't remember throwing up You don't remember kind of the mood swings, you know, you know Or not going for that. But she's like her perspective of like it's so worth it 'cause there's beautiful ability to have life inside of me and carry that and breastfeeding's a whole thing with that too of just being being willing and 'cause it's not been easy for all three kids, especially the first two, but the tenacity to push through 'cause that's something that she really wanted to do. So and then respect during childbirth, bro. Just watching what women do. Yeah, it's crazy. I wild. How they push through those last couple of weeks just exhausted. It's like going into a marathon just exhausted and showing up and just got no other option. And your wife, my wife and Noah's wife all have had summer pregnancies. Yeah. Like burning up, sweating, nine month nine months pregnant. Late July, early August births, man. So your feet are swole at thirty eight weeks in the middle of July and You know, I hate to crush these kids' spirits, but the group party's gonna have to happen at some point. It's going to Because I'm not celebrating individuals. You better buckle up, bro. We got some birthdays. If you if you think it's bad for you, I got a plan. Not only theirs, but Madeline's too. Like it's it's a lot of for someone who could care less about birthdays, it's a lot of growth that's happened to me over the years. And no, we are we are looking forward to that coming up. and I I have that I've learned to really enjoy celebrating birthdays since becoming a dad. But yeah, man. I think those are some of the things where there's just a an appreciation because of the capacity that grows and the selflessness that that challenges me in a very in a very good way. So should have had you go first. You articulate things so well and I would have just said ditto and would have would have just been like love you El. No, you did great. You did a great way of honoring like so we do. Ellie, Madeline, Jordan, y'all are amazing. We honor you. We appreciate you. The best. Let's keep it rolling though. So I mean, our listeners are probably sick of us bragging about our awesome wives. We could talk forever about it. Yeah, man. now wreck on. And our least no, I'm just kidding. what ch what has changed what do you feel like's changed most in your marriage since becoming parents, having kids? And rem remind me, how long were you married before you had kids? yeah, we got pregnant our fifth year. Okay. Four towards the end of our fourth, going to the fifth. We also fostered for about a year. That's right. So we were about three and a half years without a kid. Then we fostered and there was an overlap of Madeline being pregnant and fostering Kylie. That's right. So we had three and a half, four years without kids. And so the biggest thing for me was like our ability to have fun ch changed. So not that we don't have fun, but the ease of which it comes has changed. For example, we got a date night scheduled tomorrow. my mom's taking our two oldest. We're gonna keep Karas, but even having Karas, it's like, okay, what can we do? What can we not? We're probably gonna go for a hike at Eagle Creek and just a quick dinner and I kinda wanna go to the pool, but we're like, I can't be bringing a two month old sitting at the pool, it's hot and you know, kinda would like to go movie. I can't do that. So yeah, we used to travel a lot for weekend trips. We used to go to the gym together, we used to hang out with friends late and it takes a lot more effort to plan fun 'cause even even when we have time, it's like, bro, I'm kinda tired and we we didn't make any of the plans two or three days ago and so yeah, it takes a lot more effort to have a lot of fun. Not that we don't enjoy each other, but just miss miss laughing, li miss vacation and relax and stuff like that. Yeah, man. No, that makes a ton of sense. I mean Ditto. Yeah, I was about to say I probably took yours, honestly. No, I I wrote down a bunch of stuff. but Ditto. Hey, some of it's been great. I mean, some of it's super fun. I mean heck, we had we had fun being a team when we got our first dog, which is listen, all y'all that love your dogs, I love you. it's it it is it is different. I'm not saying one's harder than the other, but Your dog ain't a baby. Next. Your dog ain't a baby. we loved our dog, but we loved the journey of just like getting a dog and everything like that. So having a kid's been a a blast. so there's a bunch of fun that comes with it. But there's also, like you said, I don't I don't like that I have to plan my fun with my wife. I like to just have fun. I kind of consider it like a state of being rather than a we get to pick slots whenever things are slots of time when we get to have fun and do that kind of stuff. And to an extent, it is an attitude and a lifestyle, but also there's it's much easier for my brain's always been like that. Yeah. so looking for a good time. I'm looking I'm Reese. I'm here for a good time in a long time. Is that Drizzy? Of course. Yeah. Who else? The goat. The goat, that's right. Big Sean, Drizzy? I wrote a couple things down. yeah. It there have been parts of it that it felt like a A partnership, which is the last thing that I ever wanted. Rather than and by partnership I mean like a business i it transactional, very much like a detail you get you get home and you're both trying to figure out how to make life work rather than rather than just I mean, when we first got married, we talk about how one, we spent way too much money at Costco picking up pizzas and and doing whatever the heck we wanted, going home playing Playing Hogwarts Legacy video games. Y'all some nerds, bro. Great time. I don't know nothing about that. Going out going just on a whim, going out and throwing discs in the backyard, you know, chucking the D with Wyoming. Slinging the D. There's nothing better. Yeah. So like you said, I it's a good way of putting it. The ease is what changed. Yeah. Not not the fact that we could have fun because I I won't live a life without fun unless unless I'm legitimately forced into it. You gotta fight for that, man. So if you like Yes. We're not gonna say what Noah just wrote on the board, but yes. Those are inappropriate things on my whiteboard behind the camera. That's right. Hey, it's a it's a common thing in the gozy household. I've I've written inappropriate things on calendars and boards of mine in which I got the ads. You just chose the wrong brother-in-laws. but it it can be a hard transition because the thing that originally attracted me to Ellie is that I've never had more fun with anybody. Yeah. So like the ease with which we had fun was it was natural. Even before we started dating, she was just I just had we always had a good time together. There was never a never a dull moment. so going from just naturally being ecstatic of to be around each other to still being happy to see each other and be around each other. But there's some businesses. But but some things to discuss and I'm I'm not in the business of wanting I am in the business of discussing, but wanting to discuss things that I I deem boring is not something I have to Listen, you don't Realize what you're doing, but you're baiting me into something that's Okay, we'll get there. Well, maybe we'll get there. listen to the Holy Spirit for discernment. Let's keep it rolling. Okay, so motherhood's a big identity shift. It is for fatherhood. We've talked about ad nauseum for a dozen episodes now. But for motherhood, it is as well. We're not moms, but we've seen it because we've yeah, we care about our wives and we're close with them. what have you learned about how to support your wife as she's become a mother? Her needs, as her identity shifted, as her desires, her lifestyle, stuff like that. Yeah. I have continued to attempt to answer these without looking at what I wrote at what I wrote down, 'cause I want to be good at this, but I'm gonna look at what I wrote down because I it's not gonna be good if I don't. I would say affirming her as a mu as like that she is a great mother. Yeah. I wouldn't it and I would not classify it at all as I don't know exactly to determine it. I wouldn't say it's insecurity, but just kind of like making sure she knows, hey, if it's ever in doubt whether you made the right decision or whether or not you are a good mother, you are. Like I think it's a universal need. I can name a hundred different reasons why. I however many name or how many reasons you can name as to why you think you're not, I can name I can name ten times more than what you can name. So having those things ready is helpful. Yeah I would say I'm a natural encourager. For those who don't know, I'm a personal trainer. Most of what I do is just tell people they got this done, tell them how to work out. But it it applies to everything. I like to tell people why they're great. You're a male cheerleader I am a male cheerleader, just not as strong. Yeah. So I would say affirming her in the fact that she's a great mother has been one way that I've supported her and that I think that she that she really appreciates and needs, especially in moments of doubt. And then the other thing is. being consistent and dependable, whenever her emotions, hormones, whenever her her body honestly is not. Her body is not consistent. It's try it's trying to that the hormones are changing, she's postpartum, she's got all these different things. Pregnancy and postpartum's tough. Yes. and she would tell you that from one month postpartum to I don't know, up to a couple of months ago, it's things have been totally different. So there's just a and it's probably nuanced for everybody. like postpartum affects people in different ways. So And even for different kids, going through it three times and we're going through that this third time of not to get into details, but just in general, anxiety, depression, yeah, just mood swings, stuff like that. Madeline's a normal human being that's had for each kid it it's presented itself differently. But to have someone that anchors like I looked at her at one point this week and looked at her and said, Hey, I hear you. That's hard that you're thinking that I'm gonna anchor you in truth. And you can't always just say that, but I had to just be blunt. She said, I needed to hear it that bad, didn't I? I was like, you you needed to hear it from like a hey, that's that's that's worry talking right now. And yeah, sometimes that's needed. Yeah, for sure. When it's needed, that's a that's a dance and that's hard to know. but it's needed. Well and again, I'm the type of person, if you know me, I don't I don't like I I don't like feeling down I don't like feeling any negative emotions. I will resist them at all costs. So I have to be extra careful for when I'm when I'm talking when I'm speaking truth because so that she doesn't feel like I'm just trying to get rid of her. Yeah. a hundred percent. If that makes sense. It does. Or trying to get rid of the emotions she's feeling, like saying, Hey, totally get why you feel this way, how you feel this way, if I'm gonna speak life into her, making sure she knows it's from a place of I care about you, not I'm I'm saying this so that you'll stop. talking about the negative feelings or the hard things and things like that. So I'm smiling because again, call back to the episode with Morgan about being a perfect parent and she's like, I asked, What do dads need to know about how to support, you know, their wives, support mothers, and she said, you know, we need to hear truth. But at the same time, we don't we just like don't need you just like fixing stuff. Like we need you to like carry our burdens. So I kinda looked at her sideways throughout the conversation towards the end and she's like, I know, it's both and you gotta read the room. You got you gotta be a student of your wife. You gotta listen to the Holy Spirit and you gotta apologize when you get it wrong. Yeah, it's not like a one for one tied into this, but I told you both grandparents came over a few week a couple of weekends ago, Papa Jeff hit me with the the quote of the week. Yeah, let's hear it again. Which is when it comes to your spouse, you don't do what they said, you do what they meant. Yeah. If you live by that, if you can click and if you can pull it off. And if you can figure out what they mean when they don't know sometimes. Just just know your wife well. Dude, we might break the internet if I click that. Or maybe I'll get called some profane name. Yeah. Like like you did. And They do call me a puss in one of the comments. If you want a good time, go look through one of my shorts when he called me a puss and said I yell at my kids because I don't hit Hey, I'm I'm proud of you. You responded well. It was hilarious. I genuinely I laughed for five minutes. And I was at and I was at work. I like fell out of my chair. because I didn't I didn't know. I I was not ready for that. It was about gentle parenting, how we don't gentle parent, but we also don't spank our kids. And he called me a puss. It was hilarious. Man. anyway. The joys of podcasting for anyone interested. I think it's awesome. So for for Madeline, I've what I've learned is how to support her. She needs more check ins than I think she needs throughout the day because her her mind is is just racing on things that I I don't think about but I'm glad someone does in our household. Everything from needing diapers and wipes to you know, getting child care for going to the dentist or grocery runs. Gosh man, she's thorough on her grocery runs. I'll be forgetting stuff, but I I don't think about it that much in advance. so She needs more regular check ins so that it doesn't just live up here. So is there some either verbal processing or just someone else to say, Yeah, I can carry that. I can do that for you. I can text my mom and communicate that because you n you need to know information with her coming over this weekend or yeah, I can help with the dog in this way because you're worried about how he's tearing up the yard or whatever it is. So that that's is she needs those check ins because here's the thing, dude. When Roman starts talking and it it's it's coming now with this whole like You know, I see food, I'm freaking sorry, that's all done. He wants more, you know. You're not gonna be able to talk. You're gonna sit down for a meal and you're gonna think you're gonna be able to talk about your day. You're gonna think you're gonna be able to start a conversation and you're not. They they hear you, they wanna interrupt you, so when like the check ins are not there throughout the day anymore like they used to be. We try, but they're just not there. Even when I call in when I'm working, I just can't even talk to her. There's a radar that children have of I could be just kind of talking with Jordan about not important things and Mason doesn't care at soon as he knows the moment I need to actually like engage and have a conversation. So freaking true, dude. And I can't we we can't 'cause then he's like, No, no, no, no, no, you need to talk to the amount of times he has said, Dada stop talking to Mama. You you talk to me. and about to talk to you out back. About to talk you into something. Yeah, dude. We're working our tails off. to ha do the whole like put your hand on my knee or my shoulder or I'm talking for a moment. You can be patient. but you do that and then another kid does it and you do that and then you've been interrupted three times and then all of a sudden we're in a fight just because we're both on edge. And not a fight, but like we're not happy with the two minute conversation that took ten minutes. And yeah. So scheduling those check ins in the morning, honestly, which I I like my alone time in the morning, but even just ten minutes has been really helpful. I know she needs that. Th for for those of you that and most mothers that I have met have have been like this where they they take on a lot of those details for the things that they have to do just to make sure that the the kid stays alive. but there is a at least I've seen in in our own world, Jordan is a highly, highly competent person. Yeah. Just in general, of being able to keep multiple things in her head and keep a lot of things straight. But since having kids, that capacity has diminished. And it has been what do they call it? Pregnancy fault, postpartum fault, mother, whatever. Some form of brain thing that comes once you have kids. I don't know if it's a crutch or if it's real I'm just kidding. It's a short thing. getting those kids like the comment. And there go our three female listeners. Sorry, thank you, buddy. But when you're talking about like how to how to support wealth and and having those check ins, like it's it's really frustrating to Jordan to know like I had this capacity and then we had kids. And I no longer physically am able to do this. So the the way that she is like and it's good to have the conversation with like we we talk about, okay, how can we support? It's also good ask your wife, how can I support you? Hundred percent. Multiple times, not necessarily back to back, but like do it over the course of time because that will change and she might not know the answer the first time or the second time, but the third time, after having dwelt on it for a little while, might have an answer for you. But one of the things that's been helpful for Jordan is those check-ins. But specifically around getting ready to go out the door, getting ready to come back from someplace. Because frankly, I was capable of just like leaving that to her because she was able to keep track of all of those things and it was really great. But now I need to be the one to to just be asking her before we go and then when we are coming back, helping her think through the things, even if I don't remember all the things we need. And she doesn't remember, me asking her is able to prompt her back into that or I am then remembering because I know that I need to help her with that because she's asked for it. Yeah. but that fog thing has been probably one of the biggest things that we've had to yeah, change in in her being a mom. Yeah. And mom brain it is. Mom brain's a real thing. I don't know the science, but I mean I've I've seen it and it it gets it frustrates them. Like like really frustrates them because they know they need to be doing these things and that's where we can come alongside and and take a lot of that burden off. So that's well said. It's really well said. Last thing I'll say is like advocating for her to have alone time. I know she needs more alone time than she knows she needs. And she knows she needs it. It's both spontaneous and structured. It's hey I'm I'm I get off work at three on Fridays. So it's like, hey, go take those two hours before dinner, give her a couple day heads up, get out the house, go do something. Or right now it's just trying to take all three kids at some point in the day, even for ten minutes, fifteen minutes, which may not seem a lot, but I mean I w I work eight hours a day, so while the kids are awake, just giving her a little bit of a break of yeah, for her to clear her brain. It's also worth pointing out, we've had this kind of I had this revelation when we had gotten to go on that like silent retreat for prayer and things of hadn't done that in a while and so I sit down to go do it and my brain is still racing and I have all these other things that I'm I'm thinking about and it takes me until the end of that time to even get to a place of like, I'm settled enough to be able to do this and then it's done. I think it's worth calling out when setting up time f to let your wife be able to take that alone time, it needs to happen frequently enough that they can then actually take it. 'Cause I know at least for for Jordan when that happens, like it it takes a little while for her to wind down her brain enough Yeah. To actually in in enjoy that. And if it's like, okay, I've given you one t like I've gone out of my way to try to make it okay, you get one time a week that you can do this, that's probably not going to be so and then there's a lot of pressure. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta hear from God or I gotta get my life in order. Exactly. But f if you can find ways to do that in a f on a frequent basis, you can then start to kinda have a a pressure release vowel for that. so it's not all at once. Yeah. That's a good word. That's a good way to look at it. All right. Not being able to turn your brain off sounds awful. Terrible. I would hate. I would hate that. I get told all the time about how it is and I'm like I don't know how to help. And that sounds absolutely terrible. good luck with that. but try try our best. I I think that what you said, having a more of a frequency would probably help quite a bit. Absolutely. similar Similar aspect, but what pressures do you think that moms carry that dads may or may not take notice of, or it's not as common or it's more difficult to take notice of the things, the pressures that moms carry. Yeah. obviously we just talked a lot about that, but something else that just came to mind, it's funny, I I skipped that one, so I didn't even think about this. So I'm shooting off the hip. I think like postpartum. So all of us our our wives have just had kids in the last less than a year. or just over a year now. like returning back to their how they looked physically before they had the kid and getting there in like a year, which is some arbitrary amount of time that someone's put out there. and you know, yeah, I think that's just like a pressure, especially if you have more than one kid, because then kind of some of those health issues and there's other health issues besides just weight gain or weight loss with pregnancy. So I mean moms sacrifice a ton to bear children. bro, we this world would be ending in like six or eight generations if 'cause we'd all be having one kid if it was up to men. But yeah, it's it's like there's a pressure to kind of get back whether it's into a fitness type of shape or your body looking a certain way or a certain weight. I think I think that they feel. so especially in this season of life. So yeah, just trying to trying to take notice of talk through that, process through that, but also support. Like, hey, what can I do to support you in that journey too? but not to like coddle it in a negative way either, of like, hey, let's speak truth into some of these things, of let's be healthy, but I'd identify that you have sacrificed and there's going to be sacrifice, and it's either going to take time or you may you may never be the same, but you're beautiful in a different way. Yeah. That was off the hip, huh? You didn't even Dude, I don't know. I don't know how that lands, but must be nice. Must be nice. Just have that stoon up there ready to rock and roll. I wrote something down that's not gonna sound that good. I mean my gosh. Ditto. No, I'm just kidding. we, like you said, just talked about a few of these, but I think that the amount of planning and thinking ahead that moms do can sometimes go into the radar. The hard part is Every relationship's different. what I deem a need and what my wife deems a need are two totally different things. Yeah. So sh she'll be thinking about things that I'm not thinking about because I don't I don't see as that important. But to her they're important and if they're important to her, then they're important to me. Yeah. so it c all comes down to like good communication, but stuff like that'll go under the radar if I if we don't communicate regularly. and I don't ask like, hey, what's important to you? what's Going what's doing what's bothering you? What tab is just like staying open that I could take off your plate? Like I think I've mentioned it to you. We have a shared note that we need to get back on using. C summer gets chaotic and we don't use it as much, but we have a shared note where if Ellie thinks of something during the day, she'll put it in that note so that I can just check that typically I used to do it every day. It's a great system. Again, I've been a little bit off, but used to check it every day and it worked great because we through through a lot of unfortunate tri trial and error, found out that I don't like having her tell me the twelve things that came up in her head during the day after I get home from work. Sure. and she did not like feeling like I didn't care about those twelve things, which is not how I felt. Do you have to do any type of midday check-in? No. No I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I mean some people not not a specific check in. You may not be able to check it or text throughout the day. I'm normally like I don't know flirting like a sending eggplant emojis and stuff like that. You know? But yeah this Flirting. I'ma see a recent emoji. It's gonna be peaches and eggplants, bro. You a vegetarian looking My man. so me sending mirror picks, stuff like that. Yeah. I work at the gym. You be sending them to me. I can't imagine what you send to Ellie, bro. We might get off script and just edit it. We're about this close from just going forward. We're pretty close, but going for it. But if I don't know what's going on, then I can't help. So I gotta ask. that's that's the main reason. Yeah, I'm like you said, I I knew I was gonna be walking the tightrope this episode and we may have just we may have just fallen. We're good. There's no net. But either way. What's your wife need most right now? Let's keep it rolling there. So like in view of some of this, if you're like, hey, what's what's the one thing that Whether you're doing it well or not, you're like, nah, like in view of this conversation, in view of what we've been thinking about, prepping for this. A willingness to help, which again, I would say I always have a willingness to help. Maybe a willingness to help with a good attitude. would be would be a one because Do you want to know what to know or a attitude? Because you know, one thing that I struggle with is sometimes I'll get asked to if I used to g give her way too hard a time about this. she'd asked me if I want to do something to help her and I would say no. I don't want I don't why would I want to do that? it would be something something that I want to change the the opposite of want. I was like, this is the last thing I want to do. Something like loading the dishwasher after a day at work. And I was super anal and did not need to be. I'm trying to get her to change her phrasing. Sure. I just didn't want to cement the idea that I was happy to be doing these things. I was happy that it took something off her plate, but no, I never ever Well should listen to our entitlement episode. It's pretty Yeah, and I'm I probably do most of the talking. I'm just kidding. But no. what was the question? I don't know. What is she? What does she need most from me? flexibility. I can I can get pretty rigid about which I guess people probably wouldn't think that I get rigid about the things I we agree to. And you know what? I think that sometimes it's about setting the expectations. Yeah. I don't like to bend on things that we've said are like t set in stone. Like what time you're leaving your in-laws house? Yeah, bro. I know Noah's. that's when you just c strike the agreement, hey, you take as long as you need to say bye. I'm just gonna be sitting in the car if you need me. But then I've done that mostly with no kids. I was about to say, you tell that with three kids screaming. Yeah, that might be a a bad And she got the keys. The AC isn't on, you're just burning up. but f flexibility, will willingness to adapt on the fly because our situation's constantly changing. Yeah. You mentioned that we won't be able to talk about our day during dinner anymore. As of about two weeks ago, I'm so mad. I feel like we spent f months trying to teach him how to sign more so that we could have just like an easy way for him to let us know if he's still hungry. well now he just signs more and screams. Yeah. Like at the top of his lungs. Yes. And it's like as you give him the food and he shovels it in his mouth, it's one it's not once he's done chewing, it's once he notices there's nothing in front of him anymore. He's getting ahead. He's screaming as he goes and does exactly what we taught him to do. I will tell you that that's a step forward. Okay. I'm not a speech pathologist, but I'll take it. But that is a form of communication. It you're close, dude. So keep going. Like to be real serious. No, like today I would say Ellie and I don't often have the same ticks. So like What overwhelms me doesn't often overwhelm her, and vice versa. this has done both. And we have been at dinner looking at each other, going, I'm we're we're gonna freak out. Like we're both gonna freak out. There and we never do, but boy, bottling that stuff up. Yeah, bottling that stuff up does not feel good. And then you just gotta look at this little nugget and say, I love you so much. But I'm gonna like lose my mind if you keep this up. meanwhile he just continues to scream at you. There'll be other things, but he'll learn that. That'll get better. Yeah. So I don't know if that's actually what my wife needs from me, but when I thought about it, that's I'm We're like, this is what they need This is what they need. Ellie's like I need something way different than that. That's funny. That and yeah, Madeline needs my undivided attention when she's talking to me. I multitask too much. There was a story behind that this morning, but I had to say sorry. So but yeah, that's what she needs is we don't have a lot of time alone. So a lot of times when I'm I'm listening, I'm also trying to get something else done because we only have a few more minutes before the kids get up or I'm just trying to go to bed 'cause I'm tired or whatever. So but yeah, undivided attention. from time to time. Not all the time. I mean she's not asking for that all the time. She knows we got stuff to do, but No, that makes sense. Hey, let's we got a couple more questions. We'll start wrapping this up. Gotta keep it under an hour. yeah, I need to move the page anyway. Another one about the relationship aspect. Why is it so easy for couples to lose their connection after adding kids into the picture? Yeah, why it's easy to feel disconnected? Yes. Why is it so easy for couples to lose that connection after kids? I mean there's there's the obvious, less time. we talked about the to do list, you functioning, the whole roommate, living as roommates. Dude w one for me is I'm just I'm tired. Yeah. Exhaustion for sure. I'm tired. So it's like there's effort to pursue your wife in a romantic way. Yeah. And and there's times I I get up for it, immunity, or I just like I feel motivated to date my wife and to love her and be intentional and stuff like that. And then there's other times where I'm like, dude, I'm like the way I love you is by just getting our kids to bed tonight. Which is is a acts of services of love language, but you can't just say I did the dishes so I love you. so Yeah, I think I'm tired. I'm also an introvert, so I I know a lot of people say that, but like no, like I I really get fueled up. That's why exercise is so important. That's why reading in the morning is important or reading at night. And we have such little time already. it's then it's like, do I spend any time alone or do I spend time with my wife? And so where it used to be you had a lot more free time. So you could get you could get yours and then you could spend time with her and both your cups are full and You're investing relationally. So that was something that came to mind too is I'm I'm being an introvert and having limited time, it's easy to feel like you're choosing someone or something, other obligations, your job, your exercise routine, over over your wife. And you don't have as much time together for that reason. So makes sense. I think it's I think it's interesting when when you have kids all of a sudden it exposes a lot about like your interactions and things and there is a there's a helpful factor of we haven't dealt with this. This is something that we need to deal with. But I think that then shifts somewhere into a cover over your relational dynamics. Sure. So there's like that initial shock of okay, there's a an X factor in here that we need to deal with, and it is exposing kind of the way that we would interact with the situation we normally wouldn't have to interact with. But then when that becomes regular, you can hide behind all of the details and the things. That then make your house functional. Yeah. like making, your kids are fed and clothed and taken care of. Okay, that's the priority. And there's a shift of priorities, but then you can hide behind those priorities of your kids. Yep. And then lose the to your point, it's more effort to then have to go and try to love your spouse. Or even to tell your kids, hey, we're gonna be putting you second this moment 'cause I gotta talk to mom because mom comes first. I could home, I'm hugging mom first 'cause we have to father out of our marriage, being firm and strong. There's the a phrase that I hear a lot in y you you know this, working with clients and you as well, but in kind of a a different manner. Like the squeaky wheel gets the grease of like if people are whining at you, you then like, okay, yeah, I have to deal with all of these clients, but this is the one that's the loudest, so I kinda have to go and take care of that now. Your kids The squeakiest wheel then. The squeakiest dude. We we've spent this whole time talking about how unbelievable mothers are. A lot of times they are not going to be the loudest wheel, but then your marriage, if you are not careful, sure. Suffers for that in the long run because then all of that all all of that noise that would have come out beforehand is is pushed off and tamped down. And then once the kids leave, then all a sudden that bubbles back up and then there is that revealing again of Okay, we're now in a different set. We're gonna be in a in a different area than we have been for the last little while. And then when you have kids, a lot of times you have the the kid that you have to keep alive so you that's kind of like a through line to ki get you through that shock factor of we are learning new things about each other. But when your kids are fine, they aren't there anymore. Yeah. And so then where are you gonna hide your and your relational issues? And then that I that's something that I am I've observed before in w to your point of like why do people lose that that after the kids. The squeaky wheel's helpful to think about because if you're always reacting to your kids, being reactive in fatherhood keeps you from being proactive in in your marriage. And so I think as we're proactive first, and then the reac having to be reactive to the needs of your kids should fall in line, I think, from there is the order we have to push. So I had something and I lost it. That's on me, bro. That's on me. Well let me ask you this question. you're good. When it comes if it comes back, I got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. I was I was told numerous times before I got married that marriage would expose my weaknesses as an individual. Yeah. and I didn't write this down, but while you guys were talking about that it made me think kids kind of expose your your weaknesses as a couple. or a or as in a relationship because if you're not like as as a couple, if you all aren't good at planning, you you probably won't do things to get much together anymore that it at least not intentional alone time together because you don't you don't know how to plan. So you gotta work that muscle. and it's easier to do beforehand than trying to figure it out on the fly. Yeah. or if you're the person who likes to do everything themselves, does not like to ask other people for help, I hate to break it to you, you're probably gonna need to ask for help when you have a kid. Not all the time, but you're probably gonna need to ask f if you wanna go on a date with your spouse, you're gonna need to ask somebody to watch you're gonna have to put somebody out. And to be honest with you, most of the time people love watching. No the people in my li I'm blessed enough to have people in my life who love watching watching my kid. But yeah, I feel like that's one of the big things. If you're not which you're not gonna be able prepare for everything, but if you don't If you don't think about what your weaknesses might be beforehand, they will certainly you'll certainly know shortly after having a child. It'll expose. Yeah. And and really, I mean, that's the beautiful thing about marriage and and fatherhood is if you identify that after it's been ex exposed, you work on it, you become a much more mature human being. Yeah. More well rounded, your marriage is a lot more deep. or it can go the other way. Yeah. Absolutely. what helps y'all stay connected when it gets chaotic? when you feel disconnected, the things that we've been talking about. Is there I I wanna be kind of practical. Is there a thing in this first year that's been a sure habit or practice that that's really helped y'all stay connected? Practically or relationally? I guess I should say pragmatically or relationally. Yeah, I mean We can go practical in these categories, but I would say the intentionality and planning are were two of the big things and then one big thing that I feel like I've asked for and that I think has helped me at least is asking for the Ellie and myself to stay on the same page of not taking life too seriously. Because that's when I get that's when I get frustrated. When the things that are supposed to be bringing life become so important. Major and the minors, and you just miss it, dude. Yes. And then suddenly we're stressed out about things that in my mind should come after our relationship or things like that. Not Roman specifically, but we can take Roman's first birthday party. Ellie's done a great job, prepping for it and has not gotten overly o like super overwhelmed. I've tried to ask ways that I can help. she's done most of it herself 'cause, you know, she's better at it than I am. And she's she's been able to and had the ability. But it's been a huge blessing to me for her to be like, you know, this is Roman's first birthday party. We're gonna plan to make it nice. We're gonna do the best that we can and whatever happens, happens. We're gonna we're gonna enjoy it. because I think you've missed the force for the trees if you Care about your kid, you want them to have a great first birthday party, but you spend the whole time stressed out so much that you and your spouse are at odds. So that would be a practical example, but planning and intentionality. And you know, we we knew that beforehand. We were gonna we wanted to still have fun together. sometim we still get every spontaneous stuff every now and again, but it's a lot of intentionality in planning. So and accepting that life is chaotic rather than trying to resist the fact that it's chaotic. Yeah, we lean into that. So We we have a weekly calendar that we just rip a sheet off. It's just literally Madeline prints it once a year. And that's so helpful practically for us to stay on the same page so we're not always what are we doing this night? What's going on here? And we make that Sunday afternoon during nap time every week. So helpful, man. And it helps us see like, my gosh, it's so full, we're not committing to anything else or we got some margin on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, nothing going on. Let's have some neighbors over, stuff like that. and then we have a a monthly one that's a whiteboard, so we can see like big, you know, who's coming in town, are we going on this trip, stuff like that. So again, helps us bake in some margin. other thing is like I mentioned morning time together. We're getting back into a routine two and a half months in, after having our third, starting to get up a little earlier, starting to get back into either exercising or quiet time or stuff like that. But something I I looked at her after having our Friday morning coffee last week and I just I was like, Man, if I get up at six AM to talk to these jokers about life And Jesus and drink coffee. Why should I not do that every couple weeks with my wife? So I said, Hey, let's get up at when we get up at six tomorrow, first thing we're gonna do is go downstairs. I'm gonna make coffee and we're gonna sit. And I had about five questions mapped out. Things like, What are you most proud of in this season? What are you most ashamed of in this season? And so we just talked about those. So even having that like set aside as a little over an hour before the kids got up with very structured questions that I brought to it, that helped us stay really like Relationally connected. And I was like, man, this was good. It's probably gonna be a habit of ours. And our our day was very chaotic from then, but at least we had that time already in the morning, which was which was really helpful. and you can't talk about practical things in that space. Like that's the rule. Like we're not talking about grocery lists or anything like that. So Amen. So Amen. Well, one thing I wanna leave listeners and us with this week is Want you to ask your spouse one simple question. What is one thing I can do this week that would help you feel more supported? And then actually do it. Close in prayer. We'd love to. Heavenly Father, thank you that you call us to do simple but hard things. I mean, it's simple to ask our our wives, like, what do you need to be supported, to be loved? but it's it's hard to add anything else into our lives, because of the other responsibilities. So I ask that you would give us the courage to do that and then act on it. And then that simple act of faith and sacrifice that you would multiply, that you would create a harvest that goes beyond what we could imagine just by some simple acts of intentionality to connect with and pursue and love our wives, that we would parent and become fathers out of a place of secure relationships, a secure marriage, a thriving, a growing marriage. And for the dads that are you know listen to this whole thing and they're they're not married for a variety of different reasons, God, that you would just continue to minister to them, pray that you would yeah, just provide in their lives. in ways that they need and help them to support other dads as well that are walking through marriage as I I know that's that's tough. There's a lot of marriages around me right now that are they're not in a great place. So help us to to be men that love sacrificially and and help us to do that from a place of knowing how we are sacrificially loved by you. In Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. Hey thanks dads. Appreciate you guys. Let's go get Go get