Latest / (re)Parenting Radio / 53: Stop Parenting One Inch in Front of You. Why Doing Everything for Your Kids Makes Today Easier—and Tomorrow Harder

Transcript

53: Stop Parenting One Inch in Front of You. Why Doing Everything for Your Kids Makes Today Easier—and Tomorrow Harder · (re)Parenting Radio

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Lisa Watson, Architect of Human Transformation.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to turn our attention back to parenting the child who's actually in front of us.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've spent quite a bit of time lately talking about the other side of reparenting, reparenting ourselves as adults.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we've talked about self-awareness, patterns, triggers, our inner child, understanding why we became who we became.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that work is incredibly important.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: But there's another reason that we do it.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's another reason that I do this work and write children's books.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's for the future generation.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because the more aware we become of our own patterns, the more opportunity we have to make conscious choices about what we're teaching our children.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to talk about something that sounds really simple.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Raising independent, capable human beings.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean giving them opportunities little by little to discover I can do this.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I can take care of my things.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I can contribute to my family.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I can make a mistake and try again without being shamed.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I can solve problems and I am capable.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes, without even realizing it, we take those opportunities away from our kids.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not because we're trying to hold them back, but simply because doing it ourselves is a lot easier.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And oh my gosh, is it a lot easier?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: It is easier to pick up the toys than stand there waiting for a five-year-old to do it.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's easier to grab the backpack than sending your kid back upstairs when it's time to get to school.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's easier to clean the muddy shoes than to teach someone how to clean their muddy shoes.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And doing it ourselves might save us five minutes.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: It might save us a mess, an argument, and a whole lot of frustration.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: But we have to stop parenting just one inch in front of us because we're parenting for more than today.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Think about something as ordinary as a child coming home with their shoes completely covered in mud.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: A few days later, they need those shoes again, and they're still dirty.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: What's the easiest thing for a parent or a caregiver to do?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, obviously, clean the damn shoes, right?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Of course it is.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you ask the child to clean them, they're probably not going to do a great job.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: They may get water everywhere, there may be fighting, crying, resisting, you're gonna have to supervise, and there's a decent chance that it would be easier if you did it yourself.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: But easier parenting today doesn't necessarily create an easier life tomorrow.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing with a child who makes a huge mess in the car.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: If your only goal is getting the car clean, you can probably vacuum it faster and better yourself.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: But if the child participated in creating the mess, what if cleaning it up becomes part of the experience?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they don't vacuum it perfectly or wipe down the mud off the seats.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have to teach them.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have to tolerate a from still being there when they're finished.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because now the goal isn't simply a clean car.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is a child who's learning how to take responsibility for their own impact.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where I think we have to stop parenting one inch in front of us.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're a product of our own conditioning.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: We parent the way we were parented subconsciously.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But that's why what I teach is called conscious parenting.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be conscious of what it is that we're doing and ask ourselves, am I parenting just one inch in front of me?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or is this going to teach them how to be responsible humans in the long run?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because so much of parenting is repetitive and exhausting.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to get everyone out the door.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody can't find a shoe, somebody hasn't eaten, the backpack isn't packed, and sometimes you just want to get out of the house.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And there's nothing wrong with helping our children.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, we're going to help them, we're going to care for them, we're going to do things for them.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: But there's an important question that we can start asking, which is am I helping my child, or am I doing something for my child because it's easier for me?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And those are two entirely different things.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because teaching independence is incredibly inconvenient.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It takes longer.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's messier.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: You have to repeat yourself.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: You have to demonstrate things.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: You have to tolerate imperfection.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps the hardest part of all is that you have to resist stepping in when you know you could do better.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Think about teaching a child how to cook.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever cooked with a little kid, which I do often, you know this is not an efficient way to prepare a meal.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not really what it's about.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's flour everywhere, the egg might miss the bowl, they're stirring so aggressively that half the ingredients end up on the counter, or they measure a cup of something and half of it falls on the floor, or they decide to stick their hands and just feel what it's like and get it everywhere, and they just start playing.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you're standing there thinking, oh my God, if you would just move over, I could have done this in five minutes, or I don't have time for this, or are we even going to be able to eat this?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: What is it going to taste like?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is, you know, of course you could do it faster.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it won't come out tasting as good.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: But you're an adult.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're not teaching them because you need their culinary assistance or are relying on them for a fantastic tasting meal.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're teaching them because someday you want them to know how to feed themselves.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's the long game.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a very personal experience with this actually.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I was eight years old, I was doing my own laundry.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I could make myself food.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I remember uh making omelets at the age of eight, and I was really I was really proud of them.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I loved making omelets.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the circumstances around why I developed that independence were not ideal.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: My mother was a single mom of eight children.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was the youngest.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: She struggled with alcoholism, and the fact that I had six older sisters around me modeling what needed to be done and how to do it was absolutely a blessing.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I watched them.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And my little brain essentially said, Oh, you know, this is what we need to do.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I'm capable of.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can do that.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And when I wanted to try, my mother didn't stop me.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't standing over me saying, You're making a mess.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I think she was saying something like, Will you make me an omelet too?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: From the couch in the living room.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And was my omelette fantastic at eight?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have no idea.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: My mother said it was.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Did I leave the kitchen looking exactly the way an adult would have left it?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Probably not.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: But that wasn't the point.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: The point was that I was developing evidence that I could do things, I can learn, I can contribute, I can take care of myself, I can feed others.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a capable member of this family.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we want children practicing.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because children learn responsibility by having responsibility and suffering the consequences of not showing up responsibly.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're ready to work on this with your own kids, remember, don't redo everything they do.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this really matters because imagine being a child who finally cleans the bathroom and mom immediately comes behind you and cleans it again.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: What do you learn?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: You learn that I didn't do it right, my effort wasn't good enough, mom's just gonna redo it anyway.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why bother?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to leave room for developmentally appropriate imperfection.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the bed isn't made exactly the way you would make it.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the shirt isn't folded perfectly.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe there are still a few crumbs in the car.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: But okay.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, am I raising a child or am I inspecting a hotel room?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Those are very different standards.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: We can teach children to improve without communicating that their contribution has no value unless it's done perfectly.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: So the question is, can you tolerate the discomfort?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where I'm gonna bring it back to the reparenting work because everything I'm saying sounds pretty straightforward when we're sitting here calmly talking about it.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let them try, let them make a mess.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Teach them how to do it.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hold the boundary.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don't immediately rescue them, right?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds easy.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when your child is standing in front of you screaming because they don't want to clean their shoes?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when you've asked them to pick up their room and they start crying?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when they're frustrated because they can't do something correctly?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly they're yelling, you're irritated, you need to leave in ten minutes, and you can feel your whole body just tightening.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Can you tolerate the discomfort long enough to teach instead of taking over?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or shaming or punishing.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the obstacle to our child's independence isn't actually the child.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's what their struggle brings up in us.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you grow up in a house where mistakes weren't tolerated.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you spilled something and somebody yelled, maybe you were shamed for being messy or expected to know how to do things that nobody actually taught you how to do.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: You may have heard things like, what's wrong with you?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: How many times do I have to tell you?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just let me do it, you're doing it wrong, hurry up, you're lazy.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there wasn't much room for learning.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: There was just simply do it right, or don't do it at all.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And now your child spills the flower, and suddenly you're not responding to the flower on the counter.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Your body may be responding to every message that you received about what happens when somebody makes a mistake or a mess.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that is why the reparenting work really matters.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your child doesn't have to inherit your childhood.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we get to interrupt something.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: If nobody patiently taught you, you can patiently teach them.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: If mistakes brought shame into your house, you can make mistakes part of the learning in the house that you're running now.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: If anger was used to control you, you can hold a boundary without humiliating your child.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you weren't allowed to be upset, you can let your child be upset and still hold the boundary.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe when you were young, somebody screamed at you, clean up this mess.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: But now instead you can respond to your child with, oh, look at this mess.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's a pretty big mess.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let's figure out what we need to do to clean it up.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you do it together.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's different.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Showing up differently doesn't mean never getting frustrated.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're human.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to get irritated.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to have mornings when you're late and you grab the backpack yourself.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to occasionally look at a mess and think, for the love of God.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Conscious parenting is not perfection.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's awareness.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's catching yourself.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's noticing when you want to take things over, when you want to yell, when you want it done your way, or when frustration is making you really uncomfortable.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're noticing that the mess that they made is activating something in you.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then you can ask yourself, can I regulate myself enough right now to respond differently?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is what we mean when we talk about breaking generational patterns of behavior.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not usually some enormous abstract concept.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not something done in therapy or on the yoga mat or anywhere else.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's real time, real-time healing.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's looking at a pattern that is emerging while you're standing in a messy kitchen with an eight-year-old who just dropped an egg.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of shaming them, you hand them a towel.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you say, It's okay, eggs break.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Let me show you how to pick it up.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's the work.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And look at everything that child is learning in that one tiny interaction.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're learning that mistakes aren't emergencies.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: They're learning I don't have to be ashamed when I get something wrong.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're learning I am responsible for cleaning up my own mess.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're learning that someone can help me without having to do it for me.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: They're learning that frustration doesn't mean I have to quit.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that I can try again, and that I'm capable.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And look at what you're learning.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're learning I can be uncomfortable without taking over.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can hold a boundary without yelling.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: I can let my child struggle without rescuing them.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I can teach them without shaming.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I can respond differently than what was modeled for me.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's reparenting and parenting happening at the same time.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: So the question is, can we show up differently for the sake of the next generation?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really what this whole podcast is about.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: What my work is about.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: We can't go back and change how we were parented.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: We can't change the yelling that we heard, the shame that we experienced, the things that weren't taught, or the ways the adults around us handled their own emotions.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: But we can become aware of what we're carrying forward.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then when our child is standing in front of us, we get the opportunity to say, you know what?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: This stops with me.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: What am I willing to learn because I don't want my child to have to unlearn it at 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 years old?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's patience, maybe it's emotional regulation, maybe it's clear boundaries or allowing mistakes or teaching responsibility without shame.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just letting a child discover I can do hard things and I don't have to do them perfectly to be worthy of love.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's why teaching a child to clean their muddy shoes isn't really about muddy shoes.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're teaching them how to participate in their own life.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, we may be teaching ourselves an entirely new way to parent.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency is where these patterns take hold.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where boundaries also come into the conversation.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: If I tell my child, before we get out another toy, we're gonna put these toys away.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then the child complains, refuses, you know, gets distracted, walks away, and eventually you're thinking, forget it, I'll just clean it up myself.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: I have taught something by doing that.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just not what I intended to teach.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: The child isn't necessarily consciously thinking, excellent, I have successfully manipulated my mother into cleaning up my toys.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Although I have heard many parents say that their child is manipulative and that is what they're doing, and it's simply not the case.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: They're learning through repetition.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: They're learning through modeled behavior, they're extremely intelligent avatars.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so what they're learning is what actually happens in this family.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: How does mom actually respond?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or dad, or the nanny, or the sister, or whoever else.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: That is how children learn.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not from what we say happens, but from what repeatedly happens.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: If mom eventually picks it up, that is information.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: If dad eventually grabs the backpack, that's information.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody brings the forgotten item to school every single time it's forgotten, that's information.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if the boundary changes depending on how tired the parent is or how loudly the child protests, that's also information.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Children learn the boundary we consistently hold, not the boundary that we repeatedly announce.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this path of doing everything for kids, it only leads to resentment.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the part that I think parents really need to hear without turning it into shame.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because years later, when the kids are older and truly capable of taking care of their own needs and responsibilities, what I end up hearing and seeing is parents who are saying things like, My kids don't help out around here, they leave everything everywhere, they never listen, nobody appreciates what I do, I have to remind them 15 times, they expect me to do everything.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it was, but it was on the floor in the front entry on the tile, and she videoed herself saying, I have left, I left this there like three days ago, and I can't believe it's still there.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: She was mad at her children.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: You could hear the kids kind of laughing in the background.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: I could tell they were teenagers, and they thought it was funny.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, It's not funny.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody does anything around here except me.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the only one that ever picks stuff up.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I was reading the comments, and and everyone was on the mother's side pretty much.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: But the very first thing I thought of was, Well, did you do everything for When they were little?
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when were they expected to help?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: What were the boundaries?
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: What were the consequences?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: We are the ones who are training these children.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if they're not responding to your training in the way that you would like, it's you that need to change the training.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: You are the leader here.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: You need to get clearer boundaries.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: You need to have follow-through.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: You need to stop doing it.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then they'll respond.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: The behavior is only an indication of how they have been trained and the behaviors that have been modeled for them.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to ask ourselves, what have I been teaching my children to expect from me?
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: If I've spent the last 12 years picking up after my children because it was easier than teaching them to pick up after themselves, it probably shouldn't shock me when they suddenly don't become responsible for their belongings at 13, 15, 18, or even 25 years old.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: If I've remembered everything for them, solved every forgotten item problem, cleaned every mess and rescued them from every small consequence, then they haven't had much opportunity to develop those muscles.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a character flaw.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's a skill gap.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: And skill gaps can be addressed.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: But they're much easier to build gradually than to suddenly demand when we're already angry and resentful, and the kids are already grown.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I would like to add here that it is not only the mother or the father that could be the major influence on the child and causing some lack of responsibility behaviors.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: In today's reality, there's a lot of diversity in housing, and children are growing up nowadays with parents getting remarried, maybe you're having a grandparent watch you a lot of the time.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes some of these things are out of our control.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to insert that in here because I understand the complexities of parenthood and raising children.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I have some experience with this and helping to mediate some of these situations as well with some of my clients whose mothers or grandmothers or aunts or siblings may be helping to raise your children and specific things that they're doing in the way that they're responding to the children, the lack of boundaries they may be having, maybe they're giving them a lot of screen time or sugar or other things like that when you're not around as the main parent, and then you're having to deal with the fallout from that.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the only thing I can say there is choose your child care wisely and make sure that you're having honest conversations and voicing your concerns and consider options should the conditions not improve.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's not always on the direct parent, right?
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: We need to think about the teenage years while we're parenting the toddler.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: And someone actually told me that when my kids were very little.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember who it was.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: It was a long time ago.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: But it really stuck with me.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I listened when I was told that.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: If they learn that mistakes are how we learn, you're building something.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: If they experience themselves as capable, you're building something.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Those early years matter enormously because children are learning so much about themselves, relationships, expectations, responsibility, and how the world works.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: So don't wait until adolescence to suddenly announce you need to be responsible.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: Give them age-appropriate opportunities to experience responsibility now.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're not actually raising children, we're raising future adults.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: Childhood is the training ground, and our job isn't to make that training ground completely frictionless.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Our job isn't to prevent every mistake, every mess, every frustration, every lost water bottle or backpack or forgotten shoe.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: Some of those experiences are exactly how children develop competence.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the consequences to the mistakes when they're little are typically a lot smaller than they are when they're grown.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: What does it look like when you forget your homework?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: What are the consequences?
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not with shame.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: A third grader that misplaces his homework and then can't do it and has to get the consequence from the teacher of not doing the homework or the bad grade.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's just information, it's just learning.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we pick up and we do better.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: We adjust, we pay attention, we teach them to implement organizational tools and habits of behavior that will prevent these things from happening in the future.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then maybe they won't lose their$700 phone or the keys to their car or their wallet.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Some of these experiences are exactly how children develop confidence.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: So the question isn't how can I make today as easy as possible?
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's what does my child need to practice today to become the human being I want to release into the world tomorrow.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, sometimes that means the kitchen's gonna be messier.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're gonna stand there while somebody takes 10 minutes to do something that you could do in 30 seconds.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're going to watch your child do something imperfectly, and you're gonna have to resist every urge in your body to take over.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then you're gonna get to look at your own stuff and start reparenting your own self.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's parenting beyond the inch in front of you.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's playing the long game.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time you're about to grab the backpack, clean the shoes, pick up the bedroom, or vacuum the mess, ask yourself, does my child actually need me to do this?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or is this an opportunity for me to teach them how to do it themselves?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then maybe ask yourself one more question What do I need to regulate in myself so I can give them the opportunity to learn this?
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to tolerate the mess, maybe I need to tolerate their frustration, maybe I need to let go of perfection.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to resist rescuing.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to do something differently than what was done for me.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's the beautiful intersection of parenting and reparenting.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: We're raising them while we're reparenting ourselves.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Every time we teach instead of taking over, hold a boundary without shaming, allow a mistake without making it mean something about the child, or let them struggle long enough to discover that they can do it themselves.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: We're changing what gets passed down.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because someday we will not be standing beside them.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: And ultimately, that's the job.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not to raise children who are really good at being taken care of, but to raise human beings who know how to care for themselves and who have learned through thousands of little experiences that they're capable.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, friends.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider giving it a five-star review.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next week.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Reparenting Radio.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: If today's conversation supported you, take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who knows they were made for more than the patterns that they inherited.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for serious inner work and real transformation, personally or professionally, you can explore my leadership pathways at Lisa-Watson.com.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakentheone.org.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.