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658. Your Children Are Intuitively Born to Grow · Be It Till You See It

0:00
[SPEAKER_05]: thing is, I say it's apparent sometimes.
0:03
[SPEAKER_05]: This child came to join your life, not to take it over.
0:08
[SPEAKER_05]: Teach them what they need to know to be as independent as they can be at every single stage, because that's what a little human being crapes.
0:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the Beat Till You See at Podcast, where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring.
0:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm also Logan, Ply's instructor, and fit this business coach.
0:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I've trained thousands of people around the world, and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt.
0:41
[SPEAKER_01]: My friends, action brings clarity.
0:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's the antidote to fear.
0:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Each week my guests will bring bold, executable, intrinsic and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and be it till you see it.
0:57
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a practice, not a perfect, let's get started.
1:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Be it babe.
1:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
1:06
[SPEAKER_01]: So today's episode, if you don't have children, you might be like, this isn't for me.
1:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I help you listen either because it might help you make sense of your childhood.
1:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It might help you support your friends who are parents.
1:18
[SPEAKER_01]: If you've already parented, you might think it like, I hope you listen because I have a parenting expert.
1:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, if not parented expert, I would call her a education expert of children and her
1:32
[SPEAKER_01]: support children is amazing and wonderful and simple and hard and complicated and necessary and doable and I'm really excited about it because ladies I've been I've been trying to figure out how to help you prioritize yourself first and for many of you there is the love and responsibility of your children that are keeping you from that, from prioritizing yourself first, from being
2:02
[SPEAKER_01]: My hope was that Gayle Hugman, our guest today, could give you some tools, some support, some insight into the role that you have and hopefully that allows you to not just be the parent you want to be, but be the human you want to be in this world.
2:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And while I don't have kids, I hope I don't offend anyone in my inquiries and my observations and my wonders, but I also truly believe in every single one of you who are parents and so grateful when I'm older someone's child, and it doesn't need to help take care of me, so there's a...
2:35
[SPEAKER_01]: weird thing where I would like someone's child to take care of me because I don't have any of my own, but also I want you to have the life you so dreamed up and wanted for yourself and for them.
2:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I hope this episode really supports you in that and I'd love to hear your take ways.
2:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's Gail Hugman.
2:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Alright, be it babe.
2:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm excited.
2:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I've had not ever had a guest like this before.
2:54
[SPEAKER_01]: One, I got to meet this amazing person in real life on our bullet tour in Essex area and she loves Polaris.
3:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So my Polaris lovers know that this woman loves Polaris too.
3:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm doing it a long time, but I, I got to know what she does for a living.
3:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought, oh my gosh, this is a guest I haven't had.
3:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I've had a lot of guests that help my listeners as women, as parents, and a puzzle women, as perfectionist women, but I haven't had anyone who helps them as parents.
3:24
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, who add a lot of pressure to themselves to be whatever the world says I need to be as a parent.
3:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So, Gail Hogman, will you tell everyone who you are and what you rock at?
3:35
[SPEAKER_05]: I Gail Hogman, and I have now been teaching for 50 years.
3:42
[SPEAKER_05]: And I help children flourish, and I help parents flourish with them.
3:51
[SPEAKER_05]: Hmm, that's my USP.
3:54
[SPEAKER_05]: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
4:09
[SPEAKER_05]: potential that I didn't have time to develop and I didn't want to be a principal or I had teacher because the higher I went, the more paper I saw, the fewer children I saw, and my magic happens with the children.
4:25
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I decided to leave and I asked a young teacher,
4:33
[SPEAKER_05]: What is it?
4:34
[SPEAKER_05]: You find most challenging in teaching.
4:38
[SPEAKER_05]: He was just starting, I knew I was just leafing and he said immediately motivation.
4:46
[SPEAKER_05]: I can get the children to do what they have to do but I can't get them to want to do it.
4:54
[SPEAKER_05]: And I thought, right, that is what I'm going to do.
5:01
[SPEAKER_05]: I have had the privilege of going into people's homes and working out initially and assessment for the children because to start with, didn't have a clue what I was going to do.
5:17
[SPEAKER_05]: I remembered my very first client came along and she said to me,
5:31
[SPEAKER_05]: and they are thinking of excluding him because he doesn't pay attention and he doesn't this.
5:37
[SPEAKER_05]: And I thought I'm not going from almost headship to being someone's minder.
5:43
[SPEAKER_05]: And I thought absolutely not.
5:46
[SPEAKER_05]: I said, but I'll teach him to concentrate and then I thought, what if I just said,
5:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the show says take messy action, be it till you see it.
5:56
[SPEAKER_05]: So like that is right there everyone if you've ever done that you have done you've been being it till you saw it So and I remember each time I would say to someone I'm gonna teach them that I knew they were gonna pay me for this
6:14
[SPEAKER_03]: to figure it out.
6:15
[SPEAKER_05]: I heard a deliver.
6:17
[SPEAKER_05]: So with that particular child and I can't say, oh, I had a magic wand and it happened overnight.
6:24
[SPEAKER_05]: But I realized that when we educate children nowadays, it's very too dimensional and it is almost, you give them a screen or you give them a book or
6:42
[SPEAKER_05]: And so that very first boy who was eleven, I had a little rim in my garden on the edge of the grass.
6:52
[SPEAKER_05]: It was one brick all the way around.
6:54
[SPEAKER_05]: It was only small.
6:56
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said to him, I want you to walk on that brick edge.
7:02
[SPEAKER_05]: And a pussy thought it was very funny.
7:04
[SPEAKER_05]: And he did it, but he kept falling and coming off it.
7:09
[SPEAKER_05]: and I said, I want you to walk on there with your hands on your head, and when I could see after a few attempts that he was actually focused, I said to him what you're now feeling is called concentration, and that is what you need in school.
7:31
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said, when you are walking up the driveway to your school, because I knew the school, I want you to say to yourself, I am walking the path of focus and concentration until you go into your classroom.
7:47
[SPEAKER_05]: And I asked the school, if they would mind keeping him, I told them what I was trying to do, and I would phone him every night after school.
7:56
[SPEAKER_05]: and check that he had improved.
8:00
[SPEAKER_05]: Now as I say, it wasn't, you know, overnight.
8:04
[SPEAKER_05]: But that boy was not excluded from school.
8:07
[SPEAKER_05]: He went on to party exams.
8:09
[SPEAKER_05]: It was, I would say, three or four months.
8:12
[SPEAKER_05]: before he actually would be more focused.
8:16
[SPEAKER_05]: And I wasn't in the room.
8:19
[SPEAKER_05]: That's what amazed me.
8:20
[SPEAKER_05]: That's amazing.
8:21
[SPEAKER_05]: So that started my journey of if I can teach children, I couldn't have a wall to take with me.
8:30
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, yeah.
8:31
[SPEAKER_05]: So how can I do this in other people's homes?
8:35
[SPEAKER_05]: So you get a glass of water, and you fill it as full as you can, preferably mother's best glass.
8:44
[SPEAKER_05]: And you say, I want you to walk from this side of the kitchen to that side of the kitchen, without spilling any.
8:53
[SPEAKER_05]: And then you have the same effect.
8:55
[SPEAKER_05]: You are walking the path of focus and concentration
9:03
[SPEAKER_05]: And I have used this exercise or exercise as like it to teach children about self control.
9:11
[SPEAKER_05]: about being focused, about being in that state when they're in school.
9:19
[SPEAKER_05]: And I had to write books about it for parents because I thought every parent needs to know how to do this.
9:26
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
9:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Because they're getting calls from the school that your kids being disruptive or your kid.
9:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
9:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And look, we, there are neurodivergent children.
9:32
[SPEAKER_01]: There are different ways of learning.
9:34
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you told all these things and then they're trying to figure it out,
9:41
[SPEAKER_01]: them to concentrate, you know it's not teaching them the feeling.
9:45
[SPEAKER_05]: And the listening.
9:46
[SPEAKER_05]: When you say to a child, listen, I walked into a classroom.
9:51
[SPEAKER_05]: And on the wall was a poster about listening, good listening, and it had little pictures like this.
10:00
[SPEAKER_05]: Cross leg is, and I thought, how is the child meant to learn to listen from that poster?
10:07
[SPEAKER_05]: added to which industry or commerce spends millions teaching adults to listen.
10:16
[SPEAKER_05]: Why?
10:18
[SPEAKER_05]: Why?
10:19
[SPEAKER_05]: I thought why don't we teach children to learn.
10:24
[SPEAKER_05]: And I remember my books are full of stories.
10:27
[SPEAKER_05]: I remember a child at one of the top London schools.
10:31
[SPEAKER_05]: I was asking to repeat a question.
10:35
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said to him, get your jacket, go outside, and bring something in.
10:40
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said, repeat that to me.
10:43
[SPEAKER_05]: And this child was nine and a half ten years old.
10:46
[SPEAKER_05]: So he said, put your jacket on and go outside.
10:50
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't know, where I want every single word, so I repeated the sentence, I didn't get all emotional about it, I didn't get annoyed, I just repeated the questions and can you say it back to me?
11:02
[SPEAKER_05]: So we had another go, didn't work.
11:04
[SPEAKER_05]: So I had another go.
11:05
[SPEAKER_05]: And these are firsts, so I did it again.
11:09
[SPEAKER_05]: Now it took nine attempts, he started to giggle because he realized that he wasn't getting it.
11:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
11:16
[SPEAKER_05]: And to my horror, his father had been listening outside the room.
11:22
[SPEAKER_05]: And when I left, his father said to me, I would never have believed that if I had not heard it with my.
11:30
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said, when we talk about listening to children, we don't talk about the process.
11:36
[SPEAKER_05]: And when we say, are you listening?
11:38
[SPEAKER_05]: They think, yes, I'm hearing.
11:40
[SPEAKER_05]: And we have to start to talk about process.
11:45
[SPEAKER_05]: what is the process that is going on in your head when you're listening?
11:51
[SPEAKER_05]: So that's how it started and then what developed was how do I get a child to engage in school?
12:01
[SPEAKER_05]: You know when a child says why should I?
12:04
[SPEAKER_05]: Favorite question of every parent?
12:06
[SPEAKER_05]: Why should I?
12:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And then they say because I said so.
12:12
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I remember a boy doing this to me went just towards the end of teaching.
12:17
[SPEAKER_05]: He came into my class as a new boy quite late in the year and he had really been just having a difficult time.
12:25
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said something to him and he stormed out through.
12:30
[SPEAKER_05]: And I stormed after him and I said, come back in that classroom because I'm responsible for him.
12:36
[SPEAKER_05]: And he said, why should I?
12:37
[SPEAKER_05]: And I thought, I said, good question.
12:40
[SPEAKER_05]: And I went back into the classroom and I went, I went and I said, wait there.
12:45
[SPEAKER_05]: And I thought, why should he?
12:47
[SPEAKER_05]: Why should he?
12:48
[SPEAKER_05]: And there are a lot of questions children have in the heat of the moment.
12:54
[SPEAKER_05]: Why should he?
12:56
[SPEAKER_05]: In that particular instance, I went back outside because I didn't know this boy.
13:00
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said, you don't know me, but I am responsible for you while you're here.
13:06
[SPEAKER_05]: And the reason you should come back in the classroom is because I need to be sure that you're safe.
13:13
[SPEAKER_05]: And I would like a little respect, and I will give you some.
13:17
[SPEAKER_05]: You followed me in.
13:19
[SPEAKER_05]: And it's nobody explaining, you know, because I say that I could have said because I said so, but then it doesn't get you anywhere.
13:27
[SPEAKER_01]: You're extremely correct and also like it doesn't develop trust.
13:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So then anything else you want to teach them, they're like, who told who made this person, the person I've learned from.
13:40
[SPEAKER_01]: My father is a traffic school, like he, I don't know if you have these in London, but he's a crossing guard, right?
13:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So in the school, that's how he is.
13:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, yes, yes, no, he's new at it.
13:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And this is the, this is the first school you're doing it.
13:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And they pat him at an elementary school
13:57
[SPEAKER_01]: and the city council person was watching one day and the principal was there and they go, oh, like, how is it going?
14:04
[SPEAKER_01]: How are the kids treating you?
14:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And they're watching the kids like, if this meant my dad and say something nice and my dad's like asking how was the game last week?
14:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And they're like, how did you and two weeks get these kids to, like, respect to you?
14:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, I respected them first.
14:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I think like that's the hard part because also it requires patience and a bit of self-awareness like you had to have the awareness to go, okay, hold on let me think about that But I think like a lot of people don't give them a self as a time to to do that.
14:38
[SPEAKER_05]: I think a lot of parents are overwhelmed I'm not surprised and what came out?
14:45
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm
14:49
[SPEAKER_05]: And I thought, what can I say to this child?
14:52
[SPEAKER_05]: Because I don't know how I have been graced by so many wonderful clients who just handed the children over and they're saying, give me a result.
15:02
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
15:04
[SPEAKER_05]: And I'd sit next to a child and think, what do I say to change the way they're thinking?
15:10
[SPEAKER_05]: And on one occasion, I sat with this boy and I said, you do realize, don't you?
15:18
[SPEAKER_05]: you get not one but two lives.
15:23
[SPEAKER_05]: That God is attention and I said let me explain it this way and I drew a diagram and I said look here's zero and I drew a line and I put here's a hundred.
15:35
[SPEAKER_05]: And this is where you're born at zero.
15:38
[SPEAKER_05]: And we all hope we're gonna get to a hundred all beyond.
15:42
[SPEAKER_05]: And it's a bit between zero and a hundred.
15:48
[SPEAKER_05]: You have a job to do.
15:49
[SPEAKER_05]: Do you know what that job is?
15:52
[SPEAKER_05]: And they look at you and it's like, learn.
15:57
[SPEAKER_05]: I say you're job.
15:59
[SPEAKER_05]: is to develop to be the very best thing that you can be, the very best human being, that you can be.
16:08
[SPEAKER_05]: That's what nature wants.
16:10
[SPEAKER_05]: I said unfortunately, you've been born into a world where the environment isn't necessarily all helpful.
16:21
[SPEAKER_05]: And so you have two lives, you have an
16:29
[SPEAKER_05]: And that is automatic for every single person on the planet.
16:37
[SPEAKER_05]: So you start as a child, then you become a nightmare, then you become a young adult, then you become a, you know, proper grown-up and then you become a senior before you go home.
16:52
[SPEAKER_05]: And I go through this process with them.
16:55
[SPEAKER_05]: I say, that is the same, doesn't matter what color you are, doesn't matter where you live in the world, doesn't matter who your parents are, that is the same for every single child.
17:06
[SPEAKER_05]: I suppose your world life is completely different to every other person.
17:14
[SPEAKER_05]: And you are to look at the world which is full of good things and not good things.
17:22
[SPEAKER_05]: because your parents have been here long enough to recognize the not good things, and your job is to grow and develop your natural life by choosing things to do in the world that are gonna help you do that.
17:40
[SPEAKER_05]: So if you want to be a patient person, you could paint pictures or you could make pots
17:52
[SPEAKER_05]: or you could do Pilates.
17:55
[SPEAKER_05]: It depends what you want to grow in yourself and what you think will help you do that.
18:02
[SPEAKER_05]: And I talked them about school this way when they say, well, do I have to do algebra?
18:08
[SPEAKER_05]: You're so good at making a teenage boys, boys.
18:11
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm going through a little bit.
18:12
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, and I said, well, algebra is fantastic because it teaches your brain, logic, and reasoning.
18:21
[SPEAKER_05]: So it's not the algebra you want, it's the logic and reasoning.
18:26
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I've learned through all these messy actions.
18:32
[SPEAKER_05]: What to say to those questions of why should I do cares?
18:38
[SPEAKER_05]: So what these things?
18:42
[SPEAKER_05]: I think develop because children are intuitively born to grow, born to develop, they run into all sorts of things in the world that knocks them off that path.
18:57
[SPEAKER_05]: And I totally believe, no, you can correct me if you like, but I'm probably going to continue to believe that when we're born, we're born with this massive potential.
19:11
[SPEAKER_05]: and providing, we don't get stopped by negativity of some kind.
19:18
[SPEAKER_05]: We can easily be put back onto that line of development if we give them the right tools to do it.
19:26
[SPEAKER_05]: At last what my job is helping them flourish means putting them back.
19:31
[SPEAKER_05]: So if they are suffering because there's been a divorce and they don't understand, they don't understand, then I don't talk about the divorce, I talk about look over here for some success because we are natural born healers, I know you have to work at it.
19:53
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's see, I have to work at it.
19:57
[SPEAKER_05]: I was in Pilates this morning.
19:59
[SPEAKER_05]: I saw Sam, I said, I'm gonna tell Leslie, I was in Pilates this morning.
20:05
[SPEAKER_05]: But that's me healing me.
20:08
[SPEAKER_05]: And we are natural healers, so children will recover very quickly if we can put them back on that natural line so that they are focused on what they are growing in themselves and choosing to do in the world to help them grow not and the most important thing.
20:28
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't want them to change to be something they think the world wants.
20:34
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
20:35
[SPEAKER_05]: Okay, I have a couple questions.
20:37
[SPEAKER_01]: What?
20:40
[SPEAKER_01]: So assuming like everyone can't call you tomorrow, maybe they can.
20:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, like, can parents help them get put back on the natural line.
20:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Does it have to be someone other than them?
20:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Does it have to be a third part of your can't a parent?
20:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Actually, do what you did, which is like, have the thought, like, okay, how do I have an honest thought with this kid?
21:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And like, put them back on.
21:02
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you do that?
21:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the other question went out of my head.
21:06
[SPEAKER_01]: So it'll come back when you're answering.
21:09
[SPEAKER_05]: I think what parents need to realise is that this person in front of them is the most fantastic creative, sensitive, intelligent form of life on this planet and step back and stop your reaction which is born in you because of the culture that we're in.
21:32
[SPEAKER_05]: step back and have what I call, sorry dad, it's a mummy moment.
21:39
[SPEAKER_05]: It's one of those moments where you talk human to human, because they do have those moments every, you know, I told a little boy I never forget this, one of my early lessons in private practice,
21:56
[SPEAKER_05]: I told a little boy that the year before he was born, the planet was here and I drew a circle and I said I had countries on it and I drew little shapes.
22:08
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm not an artist.
22:11
[SPEAKER_05]: I drew little shapes.
22:12
[SPEAKER_05]: I said I had giraffes on it and donkeys and butterflies and I was drawing as I was talking.
22:19
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said, it had all these wonderful things, trees, and it had six billion, however many hundred thousand lierah, people on it.
22:31
[SPEAKER_02]: Your mum was here, your dad was here, and you hadn't been created yet.
22:37
[SPEAKER_02]: And then, we, you arrived and you changed the world forever.
22:45
[SPEAKER_02]: Now,
22:47
[SPEAKER_02]: You can see, it's really busy here, and not everyone is happy.
22:54
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you want to make the world better or not?
22:58
[SPEAKER_02]: And he said to me, I want to make it better, I want to make it better.
23:02
[SPEAKER_05]: So I said, well, you ask your mum, how she felt when you were born, because you changed her life forever, you changed your dad's life forever, and they loved it.
23:14
[SPEAKER_05]: maybe not straight away, but they loved it.
23:18
[SPEAKER_05]: And after I'd had this whole lesson, this was that I went through with this child, I got off on call later that night, from his mother, and she was crying, and she said, I had to call you because my son told me what you said to him, and he said, I want to thank you for having me, mommy.
23:36
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, I'm kind of glad.
23:39
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, thank you for having me.
23:42
[SPEAKER_05]: Isn't that amazing?
23:44
[SPEAKER_05]: And I, when I look at a child, I mean, my first, my very first book was actually a letter to the head teacher when I said I was going to retire or resigned from teacher.
23:54
[SPEAKER_05]: I wanted to go privately and I got up in the middle of the night and I wrote this letter, I thought, what is it that's different?
24:01
[SPEAKER_05]: Because he asked me, I want to know what you do and I, what is it?
24:06
[SPEAKER_05]: What is it?
24:07
[SPEAKER_05]: I do this different, I teach English, I teach math, I teach reading and I got up in the middle of the night and I thought,
24:13
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not what I do.
24:14
[SPEAKER_05]: It's how I think.
24:17
[SPEAKER_05]: That's what's different.
24:19
[SPEAKER_05]: I think that each child, as I said, is highly intelligent.
24:25
[SPEAKER_05]: Without any help, they may not have the language to express it, but they are so clever.
24:31
[SPEAKER_05]: they are so creative, you know, I told the children in the school once, you have to be economical with paper because we're short of money and I don't want to see any paper wasted, so please don't waste any paper, carry on with the lesson.
24:47
[SPEAKER_05]: At the break, a little boy came to me and he said, Miss, I have got a way that you can get more paper.
24:54
[SPEAKER_05]: So I said, oh, really?
24:56
[SPEAKER_05]: How'd you do that?
24:57
[SPEAKER_05]: He said, what you do?
24:58
[SPEAKER_05]: He said, you get a plain piece of paper and you go to the photocopier and you copy it.
25:05
[SPEAKER_05]: Now, that's never.
25:09
[SPEAKER_05]: So I got a place he's paper.
25:11
[SPEAKER_05]: I took to the photocopier and I explained to him,
25:16
[SPEAKER_05]: And he said, oh, but isn't that that was the name your old child?
25:23
[SPEAKER_01]: So one of the things I love when I met you Gail is like, I don't have any children, but I am amazed by like the children that I've been able to have in my life in different ways.
25:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Like my niece and nephew, I remember like,
25:36
[SPEAKER_01]: then my nephew was like two and a half years old, maybe just two and I was holding him and he looked at the picture and he goes, that's my dad, that's Ella.
25:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said, who is this?
25:46
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, that's Bubba, he pointed himself out like two years old and I was like, I have no idea, maybe that's what two year old did, but I was impressed and that he could like look at a picture and do all this, he gets this Christmas gift, he puts it on, he starts performing and I was like, this is amazing, like that is like this kid is just like, got this creativity in him, right?
26:05
[SPEAKER_01]: these 11-year-old girls and they have all these thucks going on in their head and I was just like oh my god this is you are why I'm not gonna have children but I'm amazed by what you're doing and it scares the hell out of me but like but I all so I see all this and you're like you know these kids have all these they're so clever they're born so smart and then something happens
26:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Right like like you said there could be a negative thing that happens or divorce or or they go to school and they're not given that respect or that challenge They're not taught the focus or taught to listen and it goes and then they become 18 year olds because they just keep getting passed along and so I wonder like
26:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it the mummy moments or is it how do parents facilitate this being that already has a lot of it It means like is there is it just got everything It's got everything like that's how do they not fuck it up gale like All right
27:03
[SPEAKER_05]: my confidence was gone by the age of 11 because I failed an exam.
27:07
[SPEAKER_05]: I was expected to pass.
27:10
[SPEAKER_05]: And then I met the boy of five years old who could not sit still, who did not make eye contact, who talked all the time.
27:20
[SPEAKER_05]: He was extraordinary and his parents, very intelligent,
27:32
[SPEAKER_05]: and they'd said he was autistic, they said he was this, this said he was that, and I said, well, I don't think he's autistic.
27:39
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't know why they are said that, and I said that to them.
27:41
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't know why I'm saying that, but I don't think he's autistic, but he is something, and they said, you know, a child doesn't normally, like this boy, ask her, in psychopedia Britannica, to be read to him at bedtime when he's all.
27:59
[SPEAKER_05]: That's unusual.
28:01
[SPEAKER_05]: And this child, I stayed with her 18 years until he went to university because his parents would allow me to try different ways to engage him.
28:15
[SPEAKER_05]: And the first, when you know, talk about neurodiverse, people try to control the children.
28:21
[SPEAKER_05]: You cannot control children.
28:24
[SPEAKER_05]: See this might hit, that's proof.
28:26
[SPEAKER_05]: You cannot,
28:29
[SPEAKER_05]: That's how I got it, trying to control them.
28:32
[SPEAKER_05]: You have to teach them to control themselves, by showing them right and wrong, right being what's good for them.
28:43
[SPEAKER_05]: And, no, don't do that because it annoys me.
28:47
[SPEAKER_05]: I would say to a child, if you do that, I'm going to get irritated.
28:52
[SPEAKER_05]: Is that okay with you?
28:59
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
29:00
[SPEAKER_05]: So instead of me trying to control them, I'll tell them the consequence of what they're doing.
29:06
[SPEAKER_05]: And stay, that's what's going to happen, is that okay with you?
29:12
[SPEAKER_05]: And it seems, I mean, this is why I wrote the books, because I've been trying to get my message out there for 20 years.
29:21
[SPEAKER_05]: I couldn't articulate it first, I just knew it had to be different.
29:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I love it you're saying because it's for the plies and starters I have taught listening like this is what I say Joe Ply's never said don't never said don't do that don't don't put your shoulders in your ears or don't do that he never said that he would tell you what to do like he would.
29:40
[SPEAKER_05]: Exactly.
29:42
[SPEAKER_05]: That's a brain's wow.
29:44
[SPEAKER_05]: No.
29:45
[SPEAKER_05]: That's what my motto for parents is don't do.
29:49
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, don't say, don't do tell them what to do.
29:53
[SPEAKER_05]: Somebody said to me, can you tell me how to stop my children, trashing the lounge?
30:00
[SPEAKER_05]: Because that's my special space.
30:02
[SPEAKER_05]: And they've got a playroom, but they don't play in there.
30:04
[SPEAKER_05]: They play in the lounge.
30:06
[SPEAKER_05]: And they keep trashing it.
30:07
[SPEAKER_05]: So I said, if you told them, if you told them it's your special place, if you ask them to help you look after it.
30:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Uh, yes, and this is like, okay, so I, so as we all know, and those engagements, I have no children, so when I tell people about like creating a schedule that allows them to put themselves first and prioritize themselves, they go must be easy for you.
30:29
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't have a children.
30:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I have three companies.
30:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So you guys, so let's just, I'm busy too.
30:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I'm busy too.
30:35
[SPEAKER_01]: We all have our own busys, but when one of the pushbacks I get is always from the moms who, by the way, have partners who can participate and don't.
30:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's so, you know, that's a whole different therapist as a whole different thing.
30:46
[SPEAKER_01]: But this one particular woman said to me, well, I would love to go in a walk in the morning.
30:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I see your walks every morning and I would love to do that, but there's too much to do to get the kids to school.
30:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I said, oh, how old are your children?
30:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And they're 12 and 14 or 12 and 15.
31:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
31:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
31:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
31:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
31:02
[SPEAKER_01]: It took my it was like okay.
31:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Thankfully part of this face is bow talk.
31:06
[SPEAKER_01]: So the reaction was, you know, less.
31:09
[SPEAKER_01]: But I was like, I was like, oh, but do they want to do adult things?
31:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, they want to go to the movies with their friends.
31:15
[SPEAKER_01]: They want to take the train.
31:16
[SPEAKER_01]: They want to do adult things.
31:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And she's like, yeah, I'm like, do you think that they could get themselves ready for school in the morning?
31:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Like have you?
31:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm assuming they are able-bodied 12 and 15-year-olds.
31:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not talking about the ones who have special needs.
31:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking like, able-bod, I guess I said, have you asked them, hey, I would like to go for walk in the morning?
31:36
[SPEAKER_01]: What can we do the night before to make sure you get to school on time?
31:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, have you, like, asked them, and guess what?
31:42
[SPEAKER_01]: The next day, Gale, she went for walk in the morning.
31:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.
31:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I know he's not rocking his thighs.
31:50
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, it's so interesting.
31:52
[SPEAKER_05]: Good thing is, I say it's apparent sometimes.
31:55
[SPEAKER_05]: This child came to join your life, not to take it over.
32:02
[SPEAKER_05]: Mmm, that's so good.
32:03
[SPEAKER_05]: Teach them what they need to know to be as independent as they can be at every single stage, because that's what a little human being crapes.
32:18
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, I had a child I was teaching and he had a little baby sister of four, well I say little baby it sounds cute she was a feisty little thing and she used to standing in the doorway and I had these roll up pencil cases and as I was finishing the lesson I'd be about to roll it up and she'd come running in me do me do me do and I would give it to her so that she could roll it up because all they crave is responsibility.
32:48
[SPEAKER_05]: and they want to be part of the tribe.
32:52
[SPEAKER_05]: They seek grown-ups and they want to be that.
32:56
[SPEAKER_05]: So please teach them that.
32:58
[SPEAKER_05]: Don't do it for them.
33:01
[SPEAKER_05]: So many parents will do it for yes up to about war.
33:07
[SPEAKER_05]: You can get your bag ready to a school.
33:11
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, do really need me to do that.
33:15
[SPEAKER_05]: what is wrong that you can't do that.
33:17
[SPEAKER_05]: That's a problem, isn't it?
33:19
[SPEAKER_05]: How are you?
33:19
[SPEAKER_05]: And to sometimes the teenagers, I will say, okay, do you want to live at home or your life?
33:28
[SPEAKER_05]: And there was a no?
33:31
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, do you want your parents to tell you what to do or would you like to make decisions for yourself?
33:39
[SPEAKER_05]: And they said, well, I wanna do it myself.
33:41
[SPEAKER_05]: I said, well, what can you do to reassure your parents that they have done a good job with you and you can do that?
33:50
[SPEAKER_05]: And that starts a whole different discussion.
33:52
[SPEAKER_05]: So you take your Yelkster and you have those discussions
33:58
[SPEAKER_05]: what do I need to do to help you get the results you want?
34:04
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, homework, people will fight over homework.
34:09
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes, and hopefully look, if you go into an exam, you have got 40 minutes an hour, whatever it is.
34:16
[SPEAKER_05]: If you spend two hours doing homework, you are not training that brain to perform in a hours exam.
34:23
[SPEAKER_05]: So if the homework is meant to take 30 minutes, give them 30 minutes.
34:30
[SPEAKER_05]: If the homework is unfinished in 30 minutes, tell them you will go with them to the teacher.
34:37
[SPEAKER_05]: And be there while they explain either it's too hard or they didn't focus or whatever the reason, so that they are responsible for the homework.
34:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
34:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you're supporting or the guy, but you're not.
34:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
34:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
34:55
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, this all, I mean, like, first of all, it sounds amazing and also, and like, it's, it's not simple because it's not simple, but it's also, I look at the, like, we talk about these, the everyone belames the reason why, you know, Gen Z and these kids are living with their parents as like, it's a cost thing.
35:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And yes, yes, life is more expensive now.
35:15
[SPEAKER_01]: But my mom is a school teacher.
35:17
[SPEAKER_01]: a fifth grade school teacher for some of these kids who would be in that generation.
35:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And she had to stop sending home.
35:23
[SPEAKER_01]: She would not, they're their, their paper that was doing fifth grade.
35:27
[SPEAKER_01]: She made time in class for them to hand write it because she didn't want the parents to do it.
35:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And the parents were like, well, I need to be able to see how it's, how they're doing.
35:36
[SPEAKER_01]: And she said, no, I will do that.
35:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I will tell.
35:39
[SPEAKER_01]: They can tell you how it's going.
35:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Why don't you ask them how it's going?
35:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But they're going to write it in class because she could tell the parents were doing the homework.
35:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So she's going to sort of eliminate in homework.
35:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So the kids wouldn't be responsible for the homework.
35:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think like,
35:52
[SPEAKER_01]: part of it is that parents almost taking maybe it's ego maybe I don't know because I'm not a parent but like they're not the representation but you think like I feel like there's it's like oh if I kid gets bad grades it's a reflection upon me versus like how can I help them figure out the grades that they could get you know like they there's this weird bulldozing thing have I'll do it for them and then you wonder why they live in the basement and then you want them on costs but it's also because they
36:20
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes, and there is when we're born, we have something called executive function skills.
36:27
[SPEAKER_05]: We all need them.
36:29
[SPEAKER_05]: We all need them for learning and for living.
36:33
[SPEAKER_05]: And in school, we don't teach them necessarily.
36:38
[SPEAKER_05]: We expect the children to have them.
36:41
[SPEAKER_05]: The first one that I teach often, self-control.
36:46
[SPEAKER_05]: The next one, focus and attention.
36:49
[SPEAKER_05]: The next one, organization.
36:51
[SPEAKER_05]: And if parents would focus on teaching those skills, then the children would do better.
36:58
[SPEAKER_05]: If they're organised, if they're able to manage time.
37:02
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's the whole thing about homework, you know, if the teacher says, spend 10 minutes on it, spend 10 minutes on it.
37:09
[SPEAKER_05]: And if you're looking after the window and that's supposed to be spent on homework, then you're going tomorrow and so I'm sorry I looked out the window and you take the consequence.
37:17
[SPEAKER_05]: Because parents will say, if you don't do your homework, you won't have dessert.
37:21
[SPEAKER_05]: It's on a couldn't see the connection.
37:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, right.
37:24
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not saying the connection.
37:26
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what the habits coaching that I did.
37:29
[SPEAKER_01]: He always said rewards are not how habits are created because they're too often too far away from the actual thing that you're doing.
37:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, yeah.
37:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, Gail, I feel like everyone, I hope, I hope everyone, like who has a parent friend listens to this because I
37:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Uh, look, I, I think raising a child is probably one of the hardest things people ever do.
37:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I taught 11.
37:51
[SPEAKER_05]: I haven't been going either.
37:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
37:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I taught, I had, I had these two girls that I taught from 11 to 16 and I have a call with one of them on Friday who's now 20 years old, oh my God, and like, I mean, like, I don't know how I don't have great hairs just from the five years, like raising her twice two hours a week.
38:07
[SPEAKER_01]: But like, so I definitely don't want to make a light of it.
38:11
[SPEAKER_01]: But I also can't sit here and guide women on being to see it if the number one reason they say they don't have time for themselves is because they're doing all these things for their children when we know it's that's not what's going to help your kid thrive.
38:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not helping the parent either.
38:29
[SPEAKER_05]: No.
38:30
[SPEAKER_05]: Absolutely.
38:31
[SPEAKER_05]: You have to remember between birth and the age of three, that brain in your child, you give birth to a baby, you give birth to a brain.
38:39
[SPEAKER_05]: And that brain will have made something like three trillion connections without any help from you.
38:45
[SPEAKER_05]: And by the age of three, our stress response is already determined.
38:54
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a nice, extraordinary.
38:57
[SPEAKER_05]: And so what a parent needs to be looking at or the biggest question, this is one of my tips.
39:04
[SPEAKER_05]: The biggest question that I'm always asking myself, what is this child actually learning from what they're now doing?
39:15
[SPEAKER_05]: So if you are fighting with them over homework, what are they actually learning?
39:21
[SPEAKER_05]: They are unreasonable?
39:23
[SPEAKER_05]: that they've got to do it themselves, what are they actually learning?
39:29
[SPEAKER_05]: If if you are running around after them giving them their bags, giving doing everything for them, picking up their dirty washing, and what are they actually learning from that?
39:40
[SPEAKER_05]: So take a step back, get a glass of wine.
39:43
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't mind, but think what is my child actually learning and what do they need?
39:51
[SPEAKER_05]: because this world is changing so quickly.
39:53
[SPEAKER_05]: They will need self-control whatever happens.
39:58
[SPEAKER_05]: They will need to be able to plan whatever happens.
40:02
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
40:03
[SPEAKER_05]: These things, and I saw somebody on TV yesterday talking about AI is the latest kind of phase of technology.
40:13
[SPEAKER_05]: So they still need these skills.
40:15
[UNKNOWN]: Yeah.
40:16
[SPEAKER_05]: And if you rely on all this mechanical stuff, I mean, it's wonderful because I can talk to you and your 1,000 miles away, but we still have to develop those skills to be able to live a fruitful life and get to the end having achieved the very best we could be.
40:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Kayle, I think I could talk to you forever.
40:39
[SPEAKER_01]: We did go into your beat action.
40:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry, I know.
40:41
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to do a quick like, where can people find you follow you work with you?
40:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Get your books with the books help them be better at this.
40:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, definitely.
40:49
[SPEAKER_05]: This, this one.
40:51
[SPEAKER_05]: And this one, making the pennies drop.
40:54
[SPEAKER_05]: Okay.
40:56
[SPEAKER_05]: And a hundred things to learn before your 10 are the two critical ones.
41:01
[SPEAKER_05]: A short and simple book for the wise, very little.
41:04
[SPEAKER_05]: That is the letter I wrote to my head teacher.
41:06
[SPEAKER_05]: And this is a very special book.
41:10
[SPEAKER_05]: And it is my latest book, it's called Little Humb.
41:13
[SPEAKER_05]: Have we got time for me to just read the beginning?
41:16
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, go ahead, tiny bit.
41:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
41:18
[SPEAKER_05]: Once upon a time bar away in the universe, where the stars always twinkle, and the angels do the dusting, they're lived a young and seem longing, and his name was little hum.
41:34
[SPEAKER_05]: We cannot tell you exactly what he looked like because even to this day no one has ever really seen a longing, young or old.
41:43
[SPEAKER_05]: Now, as is the way with young longings, little hum wanted something more than anything in the whole universe, even more than Christmas.
41:52
[SPEAKER_05]: Little hum wanted an adventure.
41:54
[SPEAKER_05]: He knew these things could be arranged.
41:58
[SPEAKER_05]: And little hum is the story of a soul.
42:00
[SPEAKER_05]: It is to do with the human core.
42:03
[SPEAKER_05]: And to get his adventure, he discovers he needs a body.
42:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my gosh, okay, well clearly every single expecting parent and parent in my life is getting books for Christmas I'm on the Amazon you can get the books on Amazon and my website is lessons alive That's me.
42:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so grateful for you.
42:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm grateful for these if
42:34
[SPEAKER_01]: You have any other tips you want to add at this episode.
42:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm happy to listen to them.
42:37
[SPEAKER_01]: If you feel really good about what you gave us, it's so much good stuff.
42:40
[SPEAKER_01]: So, be it axioms for everyone, are in here.
42:43
[SPEAKER_01]: But what do you think, Gail?
42:45
[SPEAKER_05]: I think, I think, yes, I've told you a lot.
42:49
[SPEAKER_05]: I can't remember now, it all goes like that.
42:52
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, that's all right, they're great.
42:54
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I hope if there are any questions, you can message them to me.
42:58
[SPEAKER_05]: And I will answer them if I can.
43:00
[SPEAKER_05]: If any of you are old, you have some questions.
43:02
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm happy to answer.
43:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I hope they do.
43:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I really hope they do because I do think that there is an into there's there's a connection between these women being the best versions of themselves and the pressure they put on themselves as parents that are not helping them or the kiddos and I just want to take that pressure off because it's a weird pressure that isn't helpful.
43:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And there isn't a parenting class when you go through this thing, you just like are supposed to know and then they put the skills on you and especially it's more heavy on the women and I and I don't that one that's not fair, but also I we don't need to pass it on to anyone else we just get rid of it and what if we could teach like this and I think it's wonderful skills, especially with all the stuff that's changing obviously your kids are going to learn different things in school than you did because of technology, but they could use those three things that you said in that tip.
43:48
[SPEAKER_02]: So this goes.
43:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, those scales, Gail, Gail Hugman, and all your books, you're so amazing.
43:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for being here.
43:55
[SPEAKER_01]: You guys, how are you use these tips in your life?
43:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Let Gail know.
43:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Send this to a friend.
43:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Send this to a parent in your life.
44:01
[SPEAKER_01]: If you feel your parents did this for you, go thank them.
44:03
[SPEAKER_01]: That'll be a nice thing for them.
44:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And until next time, be it till you see it.
44:10
[SPEAKER_01]: That's all I got for this episode of The Beat Tell You See at Podcasts.
44:14
[SPEAKER_01]: One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review.
44:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcasts.
44:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at The Beat Pot on Instagram.
44:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love to know more about you.
44:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it.
44:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Help us and others Beat Tell You See it.
44:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Have an awesome day.
44:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Be it till you see it is a production of the blue pod cast network.
44:41
[SPEAKER_01]: If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at plus one three one oh nine oh five five three four or send a DM on Instagram at be it pod.
44:52
[SPEAKER_00]: It's written, filmed, and recorded by your host, Leslie Logan, and me, Brad Crowell.
44:57
[SPEAKER_01]: It is transcribed, produced, and edited by the epic team at Desenio.co.
45:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Our theme music is by Ellie at Apex production music, and our branding by designer and artist John Franco Chilfe.
45:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.
45:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website.
45:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And finally, the Meredith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.