Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 448. Taking a leap of faith, Career pivots & breakup recovery (Headnoise)

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448. Taking a leap of faith, Career pivots & breakup recovery (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to your head nos Podcast
0:17
Speaker 1: episode of today.
0:18
Speaker 2: This is the episode where I give you my advice,
0:22
Speaker 2: where I hopefully try and help you see your situation
0:26
Speaker 2: from a different perspective. And for those of you that
0:28
Speaker 2: are just playing along listening to other people's head noise drama,
0:32
Speaker 2: hopefully if you're going through anything similar or something you
0:35
Speaker 2: know where there's a similar relationship, a similar circumstance.
0:38
Speaker 1: You're able to apply this advice to your life, or
0:41
Speaker 1: at the very least you're able to apply these questions
0:45
Speaker 1: to your life as well. I've had people right to
0:48
Speaker 1: me saying, oh, I heard you give advice on you know,
0:51
Speaker 1: someone who had had a marital affair. But I applied
0:54
Speaker 1: that advice to my friendship group and it really helped.
0:57
Speaker 1: So I feel like a lot of the things that
0:59
Speaker 1: I talk about can you very interchangeable with different situations
1:03
Speaker 1: in your life. I actually wanted to start this episode
1:05
Speaker 1: with a kind of follow up because I think a
1:09
Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, I said, please, guys, if you
1:13
Speaker 1: ever can be fucked, send through your follow up voice
1:18
Speaker 1: messages or emails about like how things went after you
1:22
Speaker 1: chose to take my advice or chose not to take
1:24
Speaker 1: my advice and just kind of for checking to see
1:27
Speaker 1: where you're at. And someone actually did, which is very exciting.
1:31
Speaker 1: So I thought I would start this episode of reading
1:34
Speaker 1: that email and then we'll go into the other email
1:37
Speaker 1: questions of today. So here we go. We've got Hi
1:41
Speaker 1: Alexis first, congratulations on the twins. Couldn't be more excited
1:45
Speaker 1: for you. So this isn't a question, but more of
1:47
Speaker 1: a follow up. I had written to you a while back,
1:50
Speaker 1: not sure, not being sure if I should take a
1:52
Speaker 1: trip to Italy, my lifelong dream, or stay in my
1:55
Speaker 1: hometown with all my friends and family where I felt
1:57
Speaker 1: secure and stable. Well, I took your advice to take
2:00
Speaker 1: that leap of faith and book the trip. So I'm
2:03
Speaker 1: writing to you now from Italy. It was the best
2:06
Speaker 1: decision I have ever made and will forever be grateful
2:09
Speaker 1: for the advice you've given and for helping me realize
2:11
Speaker 1: that sometimes you just have to do the shit that
2:14
Speaker 1: scares you. Thank you again, Love that so much. And
2:18
Speaker 1: this is what I talk about. Like you know, at
2:20
Speaker 1: the end of the day, if you've got a burning
2:22
Speaker 1: desire in you to do something, you always have to
2:24
Speaker 1: think of what will I regret not doing because it's
2:27
Speaker 1: often the things that we don't do that we end
2:30
Speaker 1: up regretting. And the reason for that is is because
2:33
Speaker 1: when you follow through with something, even if it doesn't work,
2:38
Speaker 1: if it feels right at the time to do that thing,
2:41
Speaker 1: even if it doesn't work, it still opens more doors.
2:44
Speaker 1: It makes you realize things, you learn things about yourself.
2:46
Speaker 1: It's never a total loss. But when we don't take
2:50
Speaker 1: action on things, when we don't, you know, say what
2:54
Speaker 1: we wanted to say, when we don't apologize, when we
2:57
Speaker 1: don't take that trip, when we don't enroll, when we
2:59
Speaker 1: don't try, then will always be left wondering what would
3:04
Speaker 1: life have been like if I had done that thing.
3:06
Speaker 1: It's that deathbed test will be at the end of
3:09
Speaker 1: our life looking back being like, Oh, I wish I
3:11
Speaker 1: had just done that thing. You're never sitting on your
3:14
Speaker 1: deathbed being like, oh, I'm really annoyed that I tried
3:16
Speaker 1: that thing and it failed, because you're often very grateful
3:20
Speaker 1: that you gave something a red hot crack, even if
3:22
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out. So if you're ever in this
3:24
Speaker 1: should I should I not? Should I take the trip?
3:26
Speaker 1: Don't I do? I always ask yourself, you know, knowing
3:29
Speaker 1: what I know that I'm more likely to regret the
3:32
Speaker 1: things I don't do. How do I apply that to
3:35
Speaker 1: my situation right now? Anyway? Thank you so much for
3:39
Speaker 1: writing in. That's fucking UPIC. Okay, let's let's get into
3:44
Speaker 1: some of the questions of today's episode Alexis. Firstly, I
3:48
Speaker 1: wanted to say that I feel so blessed to have
3:50
Speaker 1: found you during this period in my life. You are
3:52
Speaker 1: the noble shit but evidence based of a sister voice
3:55
Speaker 1: in the back of my mind. Always thank you. My
3:59
Speaker 1: year is not how I planned it to be. My
4:01
Speaker 1: goal with my husband for this year was to say
4:03
Speaker 1: fifty K so that we could invest in our next home.
4:06
Speaker 1: We are currently in our first and we wanted to
4:09
Speaker 1: travel for New Year's Eve this year. Also, at the
4:12
Speaker 1: end of last year, I quit my fucked toxic job
4:15
Speaker 1: full of workplace bullying and competitiveness. For reference, the CEO
4:20
Speaker 1: told everyone at the company I had no resilience after
4:22
Speaker 1: I had quit, so it needed to be done. In hindsight, however,
4:26
Speaker 1: I thought I would have found a job pretty easily.
4:29
Speaker 1: I work in the mental health field and have eight
4:31
Speaker 1: years of solid experience and a degree it is now
4:35
Speaker 1: eight months and eight months in and still no prospects.
4:39
Speaker 1: After forty five plus applications that I pour my heart
4:42
Speaker 1: into in eight months, I've only been invited for two interviews.
4:46
Speaker 1: I wonder if I knew this would if I knew
4:49
Speaker 1: this would be the case, whether I would have quit
4:51
Speaker 1: my job or stayed even though it was affecting my
4:53
Speaker 1: mental health. I'm trying so hard to be patient and
4:56
Speaker 1: trust the universe, the divine timing, and know that there
4:59
Speaker 1: is a higher plan for me. However, it gets hard.
5:02
Speaker 1: Some days I start to spiral and I blame myself
5:05
Speaker 1: for being the reason we're not going to meet any
5:07
Speaker 1: of our goals for the year. How do I naviget
5:09
Speaker 1: this period remaining optimistic and trusting the universe has a
5:13
Speaker 1: plan for me while it feels that everything is fucked.
5:16
Speaker 1: Any advice would be so appreciated. Okay, I think that
5:21
Speaker 1: if you're in a workplace situation where there's that kind
5:25
Speaker 1: of bullying and it's really unhealthy and toxic and it's
5:27
Speaker 1: affecting in mental health, I think that kind of was
5:30
Speaker 1: really the only option for you to leave. I mean,
5:32
Speaker 1: I understand there are some people in that situation that
5:35
Speaker 1: cannot afford to leave. But if you are in a
5:38
Speaker 1: position where obviously you're in a position where it was
5:40
Speaker 1: possible for you to leave, I think that that was
5:42
Speaker 1: the right decision for you to do so, and to leave.
5:45
Speaker 1: Now that's fucked that you can't get a job, and
5:48
Speaker 1: that it's really difficult for you to get a job
5:50
Speaker 1: given your experience and given everything. That's just frustrating. And
5:53
Speaker 1: you know what, it's kind of what I talk about
5:54
Speaker 1: with life. It's not about life being fair. It's about
5:57
Speaker 1: what you make of what is presented in front you
6:00
Speaker 1: and how you kind of juggle that and really focusing
6:02
Speaker 1: on what it is that you can control and not
6:04
Speaker 1: trying to put too much emphasis on the things that
6:07
Speaker 1: you cannot control. Now, you mentioned things like divine timing
6:11
Speaker 1: and that trusting that the universe has a plan, and
6:14
Speaker 1: I think that's like I talk about the universe here
6:19
Speaker 1: and there kind of lightly about the fact that there
6:24
Speaker 1: could be you know, this greater energy force and whatever
6:27
Speaker 1: and all of that outside of us. But I think
6:29
Speaker 1: you also want to be careful with that kind of language.
6:31
Speaker 1: And the reason I'm saying this is because you're writing
6:33
Speaker 1: into me, and you're looking for my perspective. Everyone's very different.
6:38
Speaker 1: Some people like to put everything in the hands of
6:40
Speaker 1: you know, a different entity, and that's fine. But given
6:43
Speaker 1: that you're asking for my advice, this is what I'm
6:45
Speaker 1: telling you. I think you want to take the reins
6:49
Speaker 1: back a little bit. You don't want to talk too
6:51
Speaker 1: much about divine timing and the universe having a plan,
6:54
Speaker 1: because we also create a lot of our timing and
6:57
Speaker 1: sometimes whence situations like this happened, it's an opportunity for
7:03
Speaker 1: us to pivot in our lives. It's an opportunity for
7:05
Speaker 1: us to do something different, or to tackle it in
7:08
Speaker 1: a different way, or to see a door that's open
7:10
Speaker 1: that we never would have seen open had this struggle
7:14
Speaker 1: never happened. Okay, So I think that instead of waiting
7:17
Speaker 1: for the right timing to roll around while you're sitting
7:19
Speaker 1: and waiting powerless to what's happening to you, you can
7:23
Speaker 1: actually take the power back and do something with this time.
7:25
Speaker 1: You know, I'm not saying you need to completely change
7:28
Speaker 1: your career, but if you're not able to get a
7:30
Speaker 1: job in this career right now, what is it that
7:35
Speaker 1: you could be doing with your time that probably would
7:38
Speaker 1: never have occurred to you or wouldn't be possible for
7:41
Speaker 1: you had this not happened. Is there a different kind
7:44
Speaker 1: of job that you could dabble in, even just part
7:47
Speaker 1: time in the interim, you know, because let's not fok.
7:51
Speaker 1: I'll talk about the fifty K and the saving and
7:52
Speaker 1: all of that in a second, but let's talk about
7:54
Speaker 1: where you are right now mentally, career wise, all of that.
7:59
Speaker 1: If you cannot get a job forty plus applications, you're
8:03
Speaker 1: doing everything you can. You can still be applying, still
8:06
Speaker 1: do what you're doing, but you also need to ask yourself,
8:09
Speaker 1: you know, at what point is this Is this just
8:12
Speaker 1: going to turn into desperation and then I'm going to
8:14
Speaker 1: feel like I'm pushing things away instead of drawing things in.
8:17
Speaker 1: What is it that I can pivot my attention to
8:20
Speaker 1: to something that I would be interested in trying or
8:23
Speaker 1: interested in doing that would maybe change how I feel
8:28
Speaker 1: towards my career, towards my current situation, my finances, everything.
8:33
Speaker 1: Is there a different job you could be working in,
8:36
Speaker 1: even if it was just for one year or for
8:38
Speaker 1: two years or whatever. Is there something that I've been
8:41
Speaker 1: interested in the past, but I've never really given at
8:44
Speaker 1: the time of day because I was so into this thing.
8:47
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes things just don't work for us. Sometimes
8:49
Speaker 1: I just don't. And it doesn't mean that you're shit
8:52
Speaker 1: or you're a failure or that people are better than you.
8:54
Speaker 1: Sometimes it does mean that that people are better than
8:57
Speaker 1: you in that industry, but sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes
9:00
Speaker 1: things just don't go our way, and it's an opportunity
9:04
Speaker 1: for us to be Like, I can either sit here
9:06
Speaker 1: and fucking flog this dead horse, or I can be like,
9:11
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm being dealt a card that I
9:14
Speaker 1: really don't want to look at, but I'm going to
9:16
Speaker 1: fucking look at it. And what is it telling me?
9:19
Speaker 1: It's just not fucking happening for me right now. So
9:22
Speaker 1: I can either sit here and keep waiting for the
9:24
Speaker 1: universe to change it for me, and keep waiting and
9:26
Speaker 1: waiting and keep stressing that I'm not contributing to this
9:28
Speaker 1: fifty thousand dollars, or I could be like, you know what,
9:31
Speaker 1: if this isn't for me, if this is not working
9:33
Speaker 1: for me, if this is a closed door showing itself
9:35
Speaker 1: again and again and again, what are my options now? Like?
9:37
Speaker 1: What am I doing now with my life? What is
9:41
Speaker 1: within my control? What can I do about it? Where
9:43
Speaker 1: can I pivot? Where can I use this skill set
9:45
Speaker 1: somewhere else? Because I'm fucking skilled, You've been doing it
9:48
Speaker 1: for eight years. You have a skill set. Where can
9:50
Speaker 1: you apply that somewhere else? Where can you surprise yourself?
9:53
Speaker 1: So that is my challenge for you. As far as
9:57
Speaker 1: the fifty k saving that happens in life, sometimes you
10:02
Speaker 1: just need to stretch the timeline a little bit further.
10:04
Speaker 1: Sometimes things just need to be pushed across. This is
10:06
Speaker 1: for the sake of your mental health. The alternative is
10:08
Speaker 1: hitting the fifty k. But being in a job where
10:10
Speaker 1: your mental health is suffering, what is the point? What
10:13
Speaker 1: is the fucking point of having trips and money and
10:16
Speaker 1: all of that when you don't have your sanity? Zero point? Okay,
10:19
Speaker 1: So my advice to you is stretch out the timeline
10:24
Speaker 1: for that fifty k. Let's add another six months, let's
10:26
Speaker 1: add another year onto that goal. Because hiccups happen in life.
10:30
Speaker 1: Your partner would understand, I'm sure, because healthy partners understand.
10:34
Speaker 1: And that's that. And then you're going to focus on
10:36
Speaker 1: where can I invest my energies instead, because that is
10:41
Speaker 1: kind of what I do have control over. And I'm
10:43
Speaker 1: done waiting for divine timing. I'm done waiting for the
10:46
Speaker 1: universe to deliver X y Z. You know what, the
10:50
Speaker 1: universe works miraculously when you work miraculously. So if you
10:54
Speaker 1: start putting in all this like proactive energy, you'll be
10:58
Speaker 1: amazed what's returned tenfold. But if you're sitting there feeling
11:02
Speaker 1: lack lack lack lack lacklack luck, you're only going to
11:04
Speaker 1: be served the same in return. It's a like attracts
11:08
Speaker 1: like universe. If we are going to get into this
11:10
Speaker 1: idea of universe like a tracks like, and right now
11:12
Speaker 1: you're sitting in lack. So you need to turn it
11:15
Speaker 1: around and think, fuck this shit, fuck timing. I create
11:18
Speaker 1: my own timing, Thank you very much. I'm going to
11:20
Speaker 1: take the reins and I'm going to pivot. If you
11:22
Speaker 1: want me to fucking pivot, watch me fucking pivot. All right. So,
11:26
Speaker 1: hopefully that has helped you in some way, and if
11:30
Speaker 1: it hasn't helped you, and if it has helped you,
11:31
Speaker 1: I'd love to hear your feedback, you know, a couple
11:34
Speaker 1: of months down the line on how things are going
11:37
Speaker 1: for you. All right, let's get into the next question.
11:42
Speaker 1: Hi Alexis. Firstly, congratulations on the growing beans. I know
11:47
Speaker 1: You've heard this millions of times now, but I'm so
11:49
Speaker 1: incredibly happy for you and can't wait to see them
11:51
Speaker 1: and excited for your new journey. I wanted to reach
11:54
Speaker 1: out and ask about my issue with my ex. He
11:57
Speaker 1: is an amazing person and was my first love. I'm
12:00
Speaker 1: twenty two and here's twenty five. I'm not sure if
12:02
Speaker 1: age will help with the relevant advice you may give
12:04
Speaker 1: me here. This was no breakup scandal, no manipulation. Sorry,
12:09
Speaker 1: there was no breakup scandal, no manipulation, no one getting
12:12
Speaker 1: mad at the other. We just simply weren't working. He
12:16
Speaker 1: and I tried to maintain a friendship since breaking up,
12:18
Speaker 1: but we haven't been broken up for too long, so
12:20
Speaker 1: the lines do get blurred every now and then, and
12:23
Speaker 1: we have slipped back into old relationship habits. As such,
12:26
Speaker 1: we decided the best way for us to move on
12:28
Speaker 1: from each other, or even decide if we're meant to
12:30
Speaker 1: be laid down the track, is to spend some time
12:34
Speaker 1: intentionally blocking each other out. So we haven't blocked each
12:38
Speaker 1: other's numbers of socials, but we're just starn't talking to
12:40
Speaker 1: each other and purposely, and if there is a crisis
12:44
Speaker 1: that we both know will be there for each other
12:46
Speaker 1: because we were together for two and a half years,
12:49
Speaker 1: so there are certain things that only we know about
12:51
Speaker 1: one another. My issue doesn't have to do with him,
12:55
Speaker 1: but with me. I feel I can't move fully on
12:58
Speaker 1: from him unless I loan and whether I miss him
13:01
Speaker 1: or miss the feeling of being in a relationship. It
13:04
Speaker 1: feels really difficult for me because I was the one
13:06
Speaker 1: who initiated the breakup and also brought up the idea
13:09
Speaker 1: of us taking intentional space, and I can't help it
13:12
Speaker 1: feel like I'm not only hurting by not speaking to him,
13:15
Speaker 1: but also hurting him too. He thought the breakup and
13:18
Speaker 1: the space we are giving each other is a good
13:20
Speaker 1: idea and agreed we just weren't working and maybe now
13:23
Speaker 1: wasn't our time. But I can't help her get upset
13:25
Speaker 1: every time I think about it. The breakup was months ago,
13:28
Speaker 1: and I've been distracting myself by throwing myself into health
13:31
Speaker 1: and fitness and being around people that make me feel good.
13:34
Speaker 1: But I can't help her cry or break down when
13:36
Speaker 1: I think about me and him. Yet I know it
13:39
Speaker 1: isn't right to just forget about the relationship altogether and
13:42
Speaker 1: pretend it didn't happen because it's an important part of
13:45
Speaker 1: my past, and trying not to get too held up
13:47
Speaker 1: on the fact that we could be friends one day
13:49
Speaker 1: or get back together if we grow into people we
13:51
Speaker 1: could be. But I don't know how to reflect on
13:55
Speaker 1: the relationship without making myself upset. What is a girl
13:58
Speaker 1: to do? Thanks in advance, the older sister I never
14:01
Speaker 1: had giving me the tough advice I need to hear,
14:03
Speaker 1: so please excited to hear back from you hopefully ps
14:08
Speaker 1: And not related to the above at all, but I
14:10
Speaker 1: listened to the pod and that you did about rat
14:12
Speaker 1: Park recently and it changed my life and perspective a lot.
14:15
Speaker 1: So appreciate you. Heaps signed a girl who wants to
14:19
Speaker 1: remain anonymous. Of course all my listener questions are anonymous.
14:24
Speaker 1: That's a really good, a really really good question that
14:27
Speaker 1: you've sent in. Also love that you loved the rat
14:29
Speaker 1: Park episode. That's one of my favorite episodes, and just
14:32
Speaker 1: love that you loved it. I've had so many people
14:34
Speaker 1: ride into me about that episode, so I feel like
14:36
Speaker 1: we need to start like a little rat Park community.
14:39
Speaker 1: But anyway, separate to that. I look, there's many points
14:45
Speaker 1: that you've raised in this. You're obviously struggling because because
14:49
Speaker 1: it wasn't a toxic thing, it wasn't a scandal, it
14:51
Speaker 1: wasn't a bad break up. The relationship that you have
14:53
Speaker 1: with this person is good. It's a healthy relationship, which
14:56
Speaker 1: is a good thing you're talking about. You know, you
15:00
Speaker 1: don't want to act like it never happened. You know,
15:03
Speaker 1: you want to be able to you want to be
15:07
Speaker 1: able to reflect back on the relationship without making you
15:09
Speaker 1: feel upset all of those things that's for laid down
15:12
Speaker 1: the track. Okay, when you're trying to get over a relationship,
15:15
Speaker 1: this is not a time to be reflecting on all
15:17
Speaker 1: the learnings and the meaningful things that happening when you're suffering.
15:21
Speaker 1: Now is the time to try and get like rebuild yourself,
15:25
Speaker 1: to get yourself back together where you're feeling like, you know,
15:29
Speaker 1: you can have a full day without crying, have a
15:32
Speaker 1: full day, you know it. All breakups come in stages.
15:34
Speaker 1: For me, the first stage is like, oh my god,
15:36
Speaker 1: I didn't cry today. That's a big win. Oh my god,
15:39
Speaker 1: I didn't stop their Instagram. That's a big win. You know,
15:41
Speaker 1: it's like the small fucking wins, whether you initiated it
15:45
Speaker 1: or whether you didn't. Okay, So that goal that you have,
15:48
Speaker 1: don't worry about that because that's going to come down
15:50
Speaker 1: the line. Once you find that you no longer have
15:53
Speaker 1: this attachment to that person, it's a lot easier for
15:57
Speaker 1: you to look back on the relationship with kind eyes.
16:00
Speaker 1: I personally am able to look back even on my
16:03
Speaker 1: narcissistic relationships and look at moments where I'm like, that
16:07
Speaker 1: was a teachable moment, that that was a you know,
16:10
Speaker 1: that was a fun day. That was like because of
16:12
Speaker 1: the balance that I now have in my life that
16:14
Speaker 1: I can even look back at some of the worst
16:17
Speaker 1: relationships that I've had and still see some good in it. Okay,
16:21
Speaker 1: So that comes with time, That comes with healing and
16:23
Speaker 1: with growth. So I wouldn't worry about that right now
16:25
Speaker 1: because that will come. Okay, you can reflect back on
16:27
Speaker 1: it once you've done your healing. Your priority right now
16:31
Speaker 1: is to heal now. I also wouldn't be looking at
16:35
Speaker 1: if you ever got back together in the future and
16:38
Speaker 1: the healing. When you close the door, make sure that
16:40
Speaker 1: door is like close it properly, because if you did
16:43
Speaker 1: date this person in the future that may happen. Who
16:47
Speaker 1: fucking knows, like crazy shit happens, not crazy shit happens. Whatever.
16:52
Speaker 1: That's that's a brand new relationship. That would be like
16:56
Speaker 1: dating someone brand new, okay, whether it's this person or
16:59
Speaker 1: some one different, because you're talking about who we could become.
17:04
Speaker 1: So in order for you to date this person again,
17:06
Speaker 1: if you would, both have to evolve. So in other words,
17:10
Speaker 1: that's a brand new relationship. Okay, So let's not even
17:13
Speaker 1: put that on the cards. That's that's that those cards
17:15
Speaker 1: aren't on the table. Just forget it. It frustrates me
17:19
Speaker 1: when people cock block themselves thinking maybe in the future.
17:23
Speaker 1: You're doing that to pacify your fear. Right now, you
17:26
Speaker 1: are saying that, so you're not so scared about how fine,
17:32
Speaker 1: how finite this thing is. You've ended the relationship. It's
17:35
Speaker 1: an end. It's an end. No one likes that. It's
17:36
Speaker 1: so scary to feel like this is the end. So
17:39
Speaker 1: we pacify ourselves by saying, but maybe in the future
17:41
Speaker 1: we can get back together. Nont no caunt. It's the end.
17:45
Speaker 1: Call it the end, so you can start to grieve it.
17:47
Speaker 1: Because if you're in your head saying there's a future here,
17:50
Speaker 1: you're not gonna grieve it, and then you're gonna waste
17:52
Speaker 1: way more time and you're gonna hurt yourself a lot
17:54
Speaker 1: more in the process. There may be a universe that exists,
17:57
Speaker 1: at a future that exists where you two do get
17:59
Speaker 1: back together, but I can guarantee you it will feel
18:01
Speaker 1: like a brand new relationship, as if you had met
18:03
Speaker 1: a brand new person, because you both need to do
18:04
Speaker 1: the work. You both need to change. You can't wait
18:07
Speaker 1: for someone and wait for their potential. That's not going
18:10
Speaker 1: to happen. So what are we doing. We're focusing on
18:12
Speaker 1: healing ourselves. We're acting like as if it's completely over.
18:15
Speaker 1: There is no future. That's what you're going to do.
18:17
Speaker 1: There was a reason you ended it. There was a reason,
18:21
Speaker 1: and I think the reason is solid because when you
18:24
Speaker 1: did end it, you maintain the friendship and you started
18:27
Speaker 1: slipping back into old territory, so you had a chance
18:30
Speaker 1: to have it back. You ended it, You had a
18:33
Speaker 1: chance to have it back, and you suggested that you
18:35
Speaker 1: step away because so you know what you want. You're
18:40
Speaker 1: just scared to leave this person, probably because they're a
18:42
Speaker 1: good person and there's nothing right now in your reality
18:47
Speaker 1: that acts like a pacifier or is replacing him, so
18:51
Speaker 1: you're not jumping onto the next relationship as a distractor.
18:54
Speaker 1: You're dealing with your feelings in real time, which is great.
18:57
Speaker 1: Mind you. You're doing it the right way, but it
19:00
Speaker 1: feels painful. But you know the answer. You did the
19:04
Speaker 1: right thing because had you broken up, you had you
19:07
Speaker 1: pulled the pin. And then he turns around and says, oh,
19:11
Speaker 1: we're going to hang out this thing. You start slipping
19:13
Speaker 1: back into old territory. You could be like, you know what,
19:15
Speaker 1: this has made me realize that I really did miss you,
19:17
Speaker 1: that I really you wouldn't have said no, we need
19:19
Speaker 1: to keep ourselves separated. You've made the right decision and
19:23
Speaker 1: it takes time, but you need the distance. You're doing
19:26
Speaker 1: all the right things. There's not much that I can
19:28
Speaker 1: say to you because you are doing the right things.
19:31
Speaker 1: You've created distance. If you need to create more distance,
19:34
Speaker 1: do so. You know it's not the right partner for you.
19:37
Speaker 1: And if ever you get to a point being like,
19:39
Speaker 1: oh but maybe this, maybe that you've got to say
19:41
Speaker 1: to yourself. When I was with him, what were the
19:44
Speaker 1: main feelings that I felt that felt that this wasn't right?
19:48
Speaker 1: Was it that we're just not compatible with our major
19:51
Speaker 1: life plans. Is it that you know, like I don't know.
19:57
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know why you guys weren't compatible.
19:59
Speaker 1: Is it that this person was just the nicest person
20:01
Speaker 1: on earth but there was zero fucking chemistry and I
20:04
Speaker 1: like he was just a great friend. Is it that
20:07
Speaker 1: it was all chemistry but then no compatibility, Like it
20:10
Speaker 1: was all sexual chemistry but then no compatibility when it
20:12
Speaker 1: came to dating, you know, Is it that I just
20:15
Speaker 1: adored him but nothing else aligned? Because unfortunately, with relationships,
20:20
Speaker 1: love is not enough. There's all these other things that
20:23
Speaker 1: have to align for a relationship to succeed long term.
20:27
Speaker 1: So ask yourself and remind yourself of those things, and
20:30
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you're gonna feel a lot more comfortable
20:32
Speaker 1: with your decision. You're not backing yourself and your decision
20:35
Speaker 1: right now, and I think that you need to. You
20:37
Speaker 1: need to be give yourself a bit more grace and
20:40
Speaker 1: back that decision because I feel like it probably was
20:44
Speaker 1: the right one. You just have to give yourself time
20:47
Speaker 1: to heal and to grieve, and that doesn't happen overnight.
20:52
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped, but that's a great, great question, so
20:55
Speaker 1: I think sense seems okay. Next question. This might be
21:05
Speaker 1: the last question. I'll see how I going. Next question,
21:07
Speaker 1: Hi alexis I'm twenty two years old and I've recently
21:10
Speaker 1: finished up my bachelor's degree in finance. I've been at
21:13
Speaker 1: unifor what feels like forever because I was only doing
21:16
Speaker 1: part time study. Now that I'm at the end, I'm
21:18
Speaker 1: feeling completely lost. I think I'm realizing that this corporate
21:22
Speaker 1: world is just not for me. I cannot see myself
21:26
Speaker 1: working in finance at all, or having this big corporate
21:29
Speaker 1: career and climbing the corporate ladder. It just doesn't fit
21:32
Speaker 1: my personality at all, and also feels so daunting and draining.
21:36
Speaker 1: It's just not me. The hardest part right now is
21:40
Speaker 1: I'm not even one hundred percent sure on what i
21:42
Speaker 1: want to do. I have interests in fitness, health, nutrition,
21:46
Speaker 1: and all of that stuff, but I'm already in so
21:48
Speaker 1: much debt from my previous degree that going back doesn't
21:51
Speaker 1: even seem like an option. I just know I don't
21:54
Speaker 1: want to go into a career I hate, but I
21:57
Speaker 1: just feel so stuck and no idea where to go
21:59
Speaker 1: from here. I was always this smart kid slash high
22:02
Speaker 1: achiever growing up, so I felt like I had to
22:04
Speaker 1: chase the big, flashy corporate career. But now I've realized
22:08
Speaker 1: that's just not me and I'm struggling with what to
22:10
Speaker 1: do next. I would love some advice on how to
22:12
Speaker 1: get my life back on track, gaining some clarity to
22:14
Speaker 1: make a decision and get ready to start this new
22:17
Speaker 1: chapter of my life. Okay, you're twenty two and you're
22:23
Speaker 1: fucking in and this is a good thing. You're fucking
22:26
Speaker 1: young in this scheme of things. You are a fetus
22:29
Speaker 1: in life, and that's a compliment. This is great. You
22:32
Speaker 1: have so much time ahead of you, but you also
22:34
Speaker 1: don't want to waste that time ahead of you. You
22:36
Speaker 1: also don't want to waste this you know, perfect time
22:41
Speaker 1: that you're in because you could. These are your two options. Okay,
22:48
Speaker 1: none of them are perfect, but who has the perfect
22:50
Speaker 1: trajectory in life? When they end up getting to where
22:52
Speaker 1: they where they finally end up being happy, so many
22:55
Speaker 1: ups and downs, ups and downs, the journey is really perfect.
22:58
Speaker 1: These are your two options. Option number one. You come
23:01
Speaker 1: to the realization that this degree was quote unquote a waste.
23:04
Speaker 1: It wasn't a waste. No degree is a waste. Can
23:06
Speaker 1: I just say, because just the act of doing a
23:09
Speaker 1: degree shows staying power, shows resilience, state like, there's so
23:13
Speaker 1: much that comes from doing a degree. Whether you use
23:16
Speaker 1: it or not, you have learned skills for life. I
23:18
Speaker 1: can tell you that for free. Okay, So it wasn't
23:20
Speaker 1: a waste. It's going to feel like a waste, right
23:22
Speaker 1: because you don't want to use it anymore. So you've
23:24
Speaker 1: got this degree, it feels like a waste. And now
23:27
Speaker 1: you have to start from a scratch. You're twenty two,
23:29
Speaker 1: mind you, So now you have to start from a
23:31
Speaker 1: scratch and you have to pay that degree. Now. I
23:34
Speaker 1: don't know which country you're in. If you're in Australia,
23:36
Speaker 1: you pay it on hex. If you're in the States,
23:38
Speaker 1: I know it's a different system altogether. It might be
23:40
Speaker 1: a bit more hectic, but you eventually have to pay
23:43
Speaker 1: off that degree. But you have the opportunity to try
23:47
Speaker 1: things that can steer your life in a way where
23:50
Speaker 1: you feel like you're in control of your life. You
23:52
Speaker 1: feel like you're satisfied with your life, you feel that
23:54
Speaker 1: you're happy. And I can tell you that's a small
23:56
Speaker 1: price to pay for fine, what it is that you
24:01
Speaker 1: want and things that are going to make you happy
24:03
Speaker 1: at such a young age. People come to this realization
24:05
Speaker 1: in their mid thirties, in their mid forties and beyond. Okay,
24:09
Speaker 1: you're coming to this realization immediately after before really heavily
24:13
Speaker 1: entering into that workforce. Okay, that's option A. So the
24:18
Speaker 1: hard part here is you feel like it was a waste.
24:23
Speaker 1: You never really used it, even though you know deck
24:25
Speaker 1: down that you don't want to use it. You have
24:27
Speaker 1: to pay off this degree. So that's the hard part, okay,
24:31
Speaker 1: and you don't have one hundred percent clarity on where
24:32
Speaker 1: you're going with your life. Now. The flip side of
24:34
Speaker 1: that is option B. Option B is you think, well,
24:38
Speaker 1: I've already wasted this much time and money. Why not
24:42
Speaker 1: waste more of my life and get a job in
24:47
Speaker 1: a job that I fucking hate and be miserable because
24:52
Speaker 1: I've already wasted three years in a degree or four
24:55
Speaker 1: years in a degree, so I should just waste more
24:58
Speaker 1: of my life. So there are your two options, okay,
25:02
Speaker 1: And I know it sucks, and I know you're going
25:04
Speaker 1: to say, oh, it's not as easy as that. It
25:05
Speaker 1: is as easy as that. It's just that it's a
25:08
Speaker 1: big fucking call to make because you have to admit
25:10
Speaker 1: it to yourself out loud and to other people. But
25:14
Speaker 1: don't worry about the other people. You have to admit
25:15
Speaker 1: it to yourself out loud. You have to make that call.
25:18
Speaker 1: You have to everything you just voiced, you have to
25:20
Speaker 1: voice out loud to yourself, everything you wrote to me.
25:22
Speaker 1: You have to fully admit it openly. This is not
25:25
Speaker 1: for me. I don't want this, and everyone who asks
25:28
Speaker 1: has to know I'm done. Okay, they're your two options,
25:32
Speaker 1: because what's going to happen you Choo's option B you
25:34
Speaker 1: stay there because Xyza, you'll be thirty being like cunt count.
25:42
Speaker 1: I could have done this at twenty two. I should
25:45
Speaker 1: have fucking quit it twenty two. Now I'm quitting and
25:48
Speaker 1: I have to start from scratch, and I might have
25:49
Speaker 1: a bit more money because it was good. You know,
25:51
Speaker 1: I was earning more money, but I hate it. I
25:53
Speaker 1: had not little life satisfaction because I knew I hated it.
25:56
Speaker 1: I knew I wasn't honoring what I wanted to do
25:58
Speaker 1: or at least trying new things. And now I'm going
26:00
Speaker 1: to start from scratch and I'm thirty or i'd thirty
26:02
Speaker 1: five or worse. Worse than that is that then you
26:06
Speaker 1: start creating situations in your life where it's harder for
26:10
Speaker 1: you to do things because you then have dependence. For example,
26:14
Speaker 1: you might then meet someone and then you get a
26:16
Speaker 1: big mortgage and then you're like, well, I can't fucking
26:19
Speaker 1: do it now, can I can't? Because I've got a
26:20
Speaker 1: fucking mortgage, So now I'm stuck. Or I have a
26:23
Speaker 1: mortgage and children, now I have to stay. Do you
26:26
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like, the stakes keep getting higher
26:29
Speaker 1: and higher the more responsibilities you put on your plate,
26:32
Speaker 1: so it's always possible to change. But if you're load,
26:35
Speaker 1: if you take this decision when you're thirty, what other
26:39
Speaker 1: things are going to come in your life where it's
26:41
Speaker 1: going to be harder for you to pivot? Possible, but harder.
26:44
Speaker 1: And the problem is that when things get harder for
26:46
Speaker 1: people to pivot, they're less likely to take that leap
26:48
Speaker 1: of faith. So like, I'm all for pivoting, no matter
26:51
Speaker 1: how hard it is. I'll be your number one cheer later,
26:54
Speaker 1: but you yourself will be less likely to back yourself
26:57
Speaker 1: because you're like, oh no, now you've got even more
26:59
Speaker 1: excuses why you shouldn't it. So what I'm saying to
27:01
Speaker 1: you is, right now, you have an opportunity to fucking
27:06
Speaker 1: quit while you're ahead. You are ahead, Okay, you're interested
27:10
Speaker 1: in fitness and whatever, but you don't want to go
27:12
Speaker 1: back to studying one hundred percent. You know what? Do?
27:14
Speaker 1: Just group fitness. Get a qualification as a group fitness training,
27:18
Speaker 1: not even a personal trainer. Group fitness. Okay, that's a
27:21
Speaker 1: lot shorter qualification than personal training. I know that for
27:24
Speaker 1: a fact because I did that. And then start teaching
27:27
Speaker 1: some classes, Start teaching some classes, start getting into it,
27:30
Speaker 1: start learning about nutrition on the side. Don't even pay
27:32
Speaker 1: for it, just learn. Do you even like it? If
27:34
Speaker 1: you're not motivated to learn about nutrition a short course
27:37
Speaker 1: on the side, off your own back, on your own time,
27:41
Speaker 1: then you're not gonna be motivated at UNI. So you've
27:42
Speaker 1: got to be like, what am I motivated to teach
27:44
Speaker 1: myself even if I'm not in a degree, And you'll
27:47
Speaker 1: start seeing what crops up. You'll start loving or maybe not.
27:51
Speaker 1: But let's say you start doing these group fitness classes,
27:53
Speaker 1: you do a short course in nutrition, and then you
27:55
Speaker 1: start meeting like minded people in the industry. So you
27:58
Speaker 1: start thinking, fuck, this is exactly where I want to be.
28:00
Speaker 1: I definitely want to be a personal trainer now, or
28:01
Speaker 1: maybe this has opened my eyes and maybe it's not
28:03
Speaker 1: personal training, but maybe I want to do more. And
28:06
Speaker 1: then it starts opening more and more doors and opportunities
28:09
Speaker 1: and conversations and relationships, and before you know it, shit's
28:13
Speaker 1: turned around for you. But I just need you to
28:16
Speaker 1: look at both of those doors. Right now, you're standing
28:19
Speaker 1: in a corridor. There's two doors that you can walk through,
28:21
Speaker 1: literally two doors after each door. Then there's a thousand
28:24
Speaker 1: other options, but right now it's two doors. So what's
28:29
Speaker 1: it going to be? I think it's door A. But
28:32
Speaker 1: you really have to think long and hard about it,
28:34
Speaker 1: because you create your reality here. You're the one that
28:39
Speaker 1: has to make the hard decisions because it's all well
28:41
Speaker 1: and good to be like, oh, but I'm going to
28:43
Speaker 1: disappoint my family or the people that thought that I
28:45
Speaker 1: was like the smart kid or the high achiever like
28:48
Speaker 1: you said, but they're not the ones in your shoes
28:50
Speaker 1: living your life. It's all well and good for people
28:53
Speaker 1: to be like, oh my god, look I'm just using
28:56
Speaker 1: this as a hypothetic. I'm not saying your parents are
28:58
Speaker 1: like this, but so well and good for your parents
28:59
Speaker 1: to be like, oh god, our daughter's a higher achiever.
29:01
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, they're a higher achieve but they're not
29:03
Speaker 1: in your shoes. You are in your shoes. You're the
29:05
Speaker 1: one that's got to live your reality every day. You're
29:07
Speaker 1: the one that's got to wake up to yourself, look
29:09
Speaker 1: at yourself in the mirror every fucking day of your life.
29:11
Speaker 1: So it doesn't really factor in at the end of
29:15
Speaker 1: the day. I know we think it does, but it
29:17
Speaker 1: doesn't in the scheme of things, okay, Because if you're
29:20
Speaker 1: doing things to make other people to live up to
29:23
Speaker 1: the standard that other people have in your head of
29:24
Speaker 1: the high achiever and the smart kid, but you're miserable
29:27
Speaker 1: and you don't have your mental health, then you have nothing. Okay.
29:30
Speaker 1: So that is my advice to you guys. Thank you
29:34
Speaker 1: so much for tuning in and listening to today's podcast episode. Yeah,
29:41
Speaker 1: if you do want to write in any and like
29:44
Speaker 1: I said, like, please send in kind of your life
29:47
Speaker 1: updates on how things are going. If you took my advice,
29:50
Speaker 1: if you didn't take my advice, how it went when
29:53
Speaker 1: you're at that fork in the road. I would love
29:56
Speaker 1: to hear back, and I know that the fucking beans
29:59
Speaker 1: also want to hear you know, people's journey and hear
30:02
Speaker 1: back from them, So that would be amazing if you
30:05
Speaker 1: could send me. Yeah, and if you also want to
30:07
Speaker 1: send in new questions, you can send in a voice
30:09
Speaker 1: question at the website just there's a little link for
30:12
Speaker 1: you to record your voice note and that is www
30:16
Speaker 1: dot dfmpod dot com, or you can email your question
30:20
Speaker 1: to info at dyfmpod dot com. Guys, love you so much.
30:25
Speaker 1: Shout out to my beans around the world, Shout out
30:27
Speaker 1: to my global beans, shout out to my beans in Houston,
30:30
Speaker 1: Texas because I saw like randomly higher downloads of the
30:34
Speaker 1: normal there, So fucking hello, and that is often today.
30:39
Speaker 1: As I always remember, be kind to yourself, be kind
30:41
Speaker 1: to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and especially
30:44
Speaker 1: don't take shit from yourself. Donker sense